- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 6th March 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
John Sessions
David Mitchell
Emma Thompson
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
John Sessions
David Mitchell
Emma Thompson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we're obsessed with films and fame, parading their
00:10false modesty down the red carpet tonight are the very famous David Mitchell, the fantastically glamorous John Selkins, and Hell's
00:26Teeth, it's only Anna Thompson.
00:33And who's that bloke getting out of the car behind her? No, not him, the one behind him, you know,
00:37the curly hair, the one off the telly, who is he?
00:40It's Alan Davies!
00:42So it is!
00:49And tonight, tonight our buzzers have come over all cinematic, David goes...
00:59Emma goes...
01:08John goes...
01:09There's no business like show, business like no business I know...
01:17And Alan goes...
01:24And so it's lights, camera, and action as we roll out the first question.
01:29Now you're all very good at what you do, but what is this picture trying to tell you?
01:34Show business!
01:36Oh!
01:36Johnny got there first, yes?
01:38Um, it's painted by Man Ray of Angre Audelisque, and it's known as the Violon d'Angre, because it's a
01:45kind of a pun, but the Violon d'Angre is actually more than a hobby, because the famous French painter,
01:52Angre, was a brilliant violinist, so it's like a very, very hotly pursued hobby, a Violon d'Angre.
01:58Well, what you've done is, here, you've saved us a lot of time by being completely and 100% right
02:03in every particular.
02:05That's very good.
02:06Yeah.
02:07It's a photograph, because it's a photograph of a real model, Kiki of Montparnasse, who was a favourite model of
02:13a lot of the surrealist artists.
02:15Yeah.
02:15And this is a painting by Angre, the neoclassicist French painter, who died in...
02:221864.
02:22Are you going to be like this all the way through?
02:26You're absolutely right, this is a very complicated point we have to get across.
02:29The French have a phrase, which is, Angre's violin, which means somebody who does something they're not famous for, but
02:37does it almost as well, i.e. they have a whole other side, a whole other string to their bow.
02:41And in the case of Angre, it was that he was a very talented violinist, as well as a great
02:46painter.
02:47And several question about a man who definitely, definitely has one more string to his bow.
02:52How would you like to have Cedric Gibbons nude on your mantelpiece?
02:58It's not Stanley Gibbons, the philatelist.
03:00No!
03:01He's a Hollywood figure, remarkable Hollywood figure, Cedric Gibbons.
03:05He was the premier art director, stroke production designer of Hollywood, for MGM.
03:12And in 1928, he was asked to design something.
03:15What might that have been?
03:17The Oscar.
03:19The Oscar.
03:20And not only did he design it, he won 11 of them.
03:24He was nominated for 36 and won 11.
03:27Almost all Oscars, as you know, were won by Walt Disney, who won...
03:30How many?
03:31109.
03:3126.
03:34And Cedric Gibbons, won 11, and all the rest went to Emma Thompson.
03:39Oh, look, cheers.
03:42Oh, excellent.
03:43Winning smile.
03:44Do you remember which one that was?
03:46Sensibility or Howard's Way?
03:47Howard's Way.
03:48And then he said Howard's Way.
03:50That interesting boat script I wrote.
03:54But you were nominated for three others.
03:56Yes.
03:57Do you remember what they were?
03:58Um...
03:59Remains of the Day.
04:00Remains of the Day.
04:01In the Name of the Father.
04:03Best Supporting Actress.
04:04Best Supporting Actress.
04:04And you were also nominated for Sense and Sensibility as Best Supporting Actress.
04:06Oh, yeah.
04:07I can remember all the GCSEs I did.
04:13I would definitely remember every Oscar nomination.
04:18I think when, like, the rest of my brain had melted, I would have never heard of you.
04:22Those five names of films would still come.
04:26The best film one year was Snow White and Seven Dwarfs.
04:29Do you know what?
04:29They altered the Oscar to some extent.
04:31They made him a midget.
04:32They made him one big one and seven little ones.
04:36Oh.
04:37It must have been a grim year.
04:38Because that is a boring cartoon.
04:42I made an Oscar.
04:44I actually made a genuine Oscar.
04:46I went to the factory in Chicago where they were made.
04:48Is it a mould?
04:49Like a jelly mould?
04:49Well, there is a mould, but it's pure metal Britannia.
04:51Or do you have to hew it?
04:52Yeah.
04:52Well, you buff it.
04:53It's a damn good buffing.
04:55You have to hew it, and I'm not being rude, but if I was winning an Oscar this year,
04:59I'd say, can I have one of the ones made by the professional?
05:03That was Stephen Frye balls, that.
05:06I was well wonky.
05:08Supervised.
05:08To be honest, I did a bit of buffing.
05:10Right.
05:10On the bum area, I bet.
05:11And then dipping.
05:17You're a very bad man.
05:18Yes, a little bit of...
05:21A good butter flossing.
05:24And dipping him in nickel and then in that gold.
05:27So you didn't really make...
05:28I mean, it's like the Queen pulling a pint.
05:31Basically.
05:32That's more of what it was like.
05:35Thank you so much.
05:37So, who was the best actor in your year?
05:38You were best actress.
05:39Al Pacino.
05:41And your other Oscar, of course, was for best adapted screenplay.
05:44Yes.
05:44For Sense and Sensibility.
05:45I should have won that Oscar, as a matter of fact.
05:47Actually, yes, you should.
05:48Yeah.
05:48You rescued it.
05:49Yeah.
05:50Yes, I had one of those scene-powered computers.
05:53And the screen had done something to the script.
05:57It had transmogrified into hieroglyphs, into just...
06:03Not words, not anything that I could recognise, just funny shapes.
06:07I got the bloke round, the computer bloke round, and he couldn't work it out.
06:11So, finally, I took the computer out of the wall, still in my dressing gown, got in a taxi,
06:16went with the computer round to Stephen's house, sat it down and said,
06:20please, please, find my script.
06:24And I did it like that, because I'm an actress.
06:26I don't ever ask people.
06:28I'm upset, I make sure people know it.
06:30And he said, oh, okay, but it took him seven hours.
06:33And he was with you at the time.
06:35Oh, thank you.
06:37Oh, the bunch of the big and...
06:40Probably what really happened was he couldn't do it and he thought, oh, shit.
06:43I can't let it on the right one.
06:45I'll just write it.
06:48Much quicker if I just adapt the novel.
06:50Yeah.
06:52And I looked at it and thought, you know, I'd forgotten, obviously,
06:55because my brain doesn't hold any information for any length of time at all.
06:59I just looked at it and thought, that must be my script, and I handed it in.
07:02Yeah.
07:02I'll send the Oscar round tomorrow.
07:05Now, time to test your hearing.
07:08What is this a representation of?
07:19It's Roy Chubby Brown eating a hobnob.
07:24It's Gladstone eating an ice cream and then being beamed up by the Martians.
07:30It's giving birth.
07:31Oh, yes.
07:33Brilliant.
07:34Brilliant.
07:35Brilliant.
07:35That's exactly what it is.
07:36It's a lamb being born.
07:39Oh, my God.
07:40God.
07:41God.
07:41In fact, this is a sound effect.
07:43Well, you can actually see the sound being made.
07:55Now, now, has he listened to lambs being born?
07:59And then down now has he said, no one knows what a lamb being born sounds like?
08:02I'll do any old crap.
08:03She actually...
08:04I'll drop a towel.
08:05She's oddly named Lizzie Calf, oddly enough.
08:08And she used to do the sound effects for the Archers, amongst other things.
08:11She's now our sound wizard.
08:13But there is a name to this science of sound effects, as used in movies.
08:16What sound recordists need is clean dialogue.
08:20And all the sound effects, footsteps and other noises, guns being cocked, the rustle of clothing,
08:26the lighting of a cigarette.
08:27Almost all of that is done afterwards by someone called a Foley artist.
08:31And here's an example of some of the early Foley artists making their noises.
08:35And all kinds of different things are used.
08:37If you close your eyes, let the audience see how it's being made.
08:41You see if...
08:43Alan, when I say close your eyes...
08:46By the way, when I open them, you won't all have gone.
08:51You close your eyes.
08:52We'll let the audience and everyone at home see some more sounds being made.
08:55See if you can see what these are.
09:00So what was that?
09:02Guilotine.
09:02Who was a предлож кто?
09:03Yes guys!
09:03Guilotine, guilotine, guilotine.
09:03Right, very good.
09:05How was it made?
09:06With a guillotine and a purse.
09:10And they wanted the sound of cabbages being chopped up.
09:14And so they had to kill a guy.
09:15Very good, it was indeed.
09:17Long after the sound, isn't he?
09:19So obedient!
09:21It was indeed a cabbage.
09:22You slide a knife along a scaffolding pole and then chop a cabbage and drop it into the bucket.
09:27It's pretty good. You've got another one. Close your eyes.
09:35And what was that?
09:36Someone pretending to be a horse.
09:39That sounds exactly like some coconut.
09:41Oh, yeah, it's a cynical.
09:44A two-legged horse wearing some awkward shoes.
09:47There you are, here they are. That's it.
09:49It's a horse clapping.
09:54Don't you think it sounds like a horse?
09:56It does sound like a horse.
09:58You've seen it many times in films without knowing that it was coconut.
10:01If you see the visual thing, then it was another one.
10:04At the same time.
10:05Close your eyes, yeah.
10:06What do you think this sound is?
10:08It's fire. It's fire, isn't it?
10:09Yes, fire, exactly.
10:10I use this for fire ripping through straw and things like that.
10:14Now, here's a good one.
10:16This, this is weird, this.
10:18Because you see it, you think, no, it's a bollocks.
10:19It's a piece of paper coming out of an envelope, right?
10:24Are we taking off a shirt?
10:26No.
10:27This is what they genuinely used to Dell Street.
10:31The doors in Star Wars, electric doors.
10:33Whoosh, whoosh.
10:35Paper being taken out of an envelope.
10:36Simple as that.
10:37You watch a bit of Star Wars now and you see the doors open.
10:39You think, oh, yes, it is.
10:47Whoosh, whoosh.
10:47Look, I'm perfectly willing to accept that with the pictures there, then you're going to buy the whole effect, but,
10:53you know.
10:53Well, we invite you all to go home and use your own sound effects for your YouTube films, and I'm
10:57sure you'll come up with all kinds of exciting things for vomit and sexual activities and so on.
11:03Now, speaking of soundtracks, where have you heard this before?
11:09In the, in the green room about half an hour ago.
11:12Tom and Jerry.
11:14You might have heard it in Tom and Jerry, actually.
11:16You might.
11:17You might well.
11:18It's a sound effect scream that has been library stocked and is used repeatedly.
11:24Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
11:27I'm going to have to give you points.
11:28This is right.
11:28It's been used in, it's estimated, about 140 movies, including every Indiana Jones movie, every Star Wars movie.
11:38It's been used in, um, Madagascar, Planet of the Apes, Lord of the Rings, two, only two of the Lord
11:46of the Rings trilogy, not all three, oddly enough.
11:48Toy Story.
11:49I don't know how disappointed they were.
11:50I don't know.
11:51We're going to have to go elsewhere for the third.
11:54Reservoir Dogs.
11:55It's in Batman Returns.
11:56Poltergeist.
11:57Just use it for a joke, then.
11:58Are we going to use that scream?
12:00You're kind of right.
12:01It was used as a stock scream, and a guy called Ben Burt, who was a young, up-and-coming
12:07sound effects editor, heard it in lots of films.
12:11And he is now a very successful sound editor, and he and his friends make it a point, whenever they
12:16edit a sound editor film, to put this scream in somewhere.
12:19Hence, it is in all kinds of movies.
12:21On YouTube, someone has compiled 23 different films with the scream, showing the scream in it.
12:27We can't show it, because we'd have to pay all kinds of money, but I wish we could.
12:31Anyway, it's believed to be a man called Sheb Woolley singing, and it starts on the note of C.
12:36There's Sheb Woolley.
12:37It descends through four semitones to G-sharp, and he used it in a film called Distant Drums in 1951.
12:43It's called the Wilhelm scream, for some reason, and you can hear it again.
12:47C, semitones, G-sharp.
12:49Ah!
12:51It's quite a warm scream, isn't it?
12:53It is.
12:54It's not, you know, you're not really traumatised.
12:56No.
12:56It's not as if you've been raped by a warthog or anything.
12:59It's not.
13:01The most ubiquitous line of film dialogue.
13:03Do you know what that was?
13:04Apparently, this line, a survey of 150 American feature films from 38 to 74,
13:09showed it was used at least once in 84% of Hollywood productions, more than once in 17%.
13:18Is it why are you telling me this?
13:20That's a very good one, because that is one of the really annoying clichés, isn't it?
13:25Like, the other one that really annoys me is, don't you die on me.
13:30Shut up.
13:31It's almost whatever means actually on the person.
13:34Yeah, yeah.
13:35A little bad feeling about this.
13:37Oh, shut up.
13:38Is that an order, sir?
13:39Yeah.
13:40Well, since you asked me, Lieutenant, yes, it is.
13:43Oh, the one that, oh, you really want to punch is when they're, you know,
13:46they're about to go on an operation and they go, showtime.
13:49Oh, no.
13:51Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, we have a situation here.
13:54Yeah.
13:54Or the other one that really drives me mad is, I'm getting too old for this shit.
14:00Right.
14:01Right.
14:02Anyway, apparently the line is, let's get out of here.
14:05Oh, yeah.
14:07Anyway, that's what you heard was the Wilhelm scream,
14:10the most ubiquitous sound effect in film history.
14:12Speaking of ubiquitous sounds, what's the good thing about an English accent in Hollywood?
14:18He was a villain.
14:19I know that much.
14:19That's basically it, isn't it?
14:20Or you're gay.
14:21Or gay.
14:22And often a gay villain.
14:23Or a gay villain.
14:24Or people think you're Australian, so you get bar work.
14:28There's a sort of a high-octane version of the English villain,
14:31which is to get an English villain to play a German villain.
14:34Yes, as in the Die Hard film, which is almost as some of my favorite dialogue of our great friend
14:42Alan Rickman.
14:43What he says, after he's shot the band, he says,
14:45Mr. Kage, I will count to three.
14:49There will not be a four.
14:51And then he goes down to three and he goes, most of the Kage won't be joining us for the
14:58rest of his life.
15:06There you see him in, I think, on the left there in Die Hard, and on the right, I think,
15:10he's giving his Sheriff of Nottingham.
15:12And the extraordinary thing about Robin Hood, I mean, the two most famous Robin Hood movies, I suppose, are the
15:16Errol Flynn one and the Kevin Costner one.
15:19But they're all said in Kevin Costner, basically playing him as American.
15:23Kevin Costner, no bones.
15:25Absolutely, completely American.
15:27He's come straight from the airport.
15:30An inversion limo service.
15:32Putting his tights on in the back.
15:36I can't think it would be a better film if he was struggling with a kind of Dick Van Dyke
15:42copy.
15:44I just wonder, genuinely, is it because we're too good-natured to moan about it?
15:49We're the last country left who won't scream racism.
15:52Exactly.
15:52We don't shout, it's so racist to make us the villain.
15:55Or is it that, you know, the villains kind of have to be fiendishly clever and they suspect us of
16:01something Machiavellian deep down somewhere, always.
16:05And so tyrannical because we are the country they fought originally to create their demise.
16:09And we're essentially unwholesome, aren't we?
16:12Yes, unwholesome, exactly.
16:13And we have bad teeth.
16:14That's the thing, they really can't forgive us all.
16:17The British Book of Teeth in The Simpsons is one of the great things.
16:19But he does this thing where he's able to talk without actually letting his lips touch his teeth.
16:29Alan is so good at playing villains, as you all know, but he hates being good at playing villains.
16:35He wants to play the lovely guy in the white shirt who comes in.
16:37He did, in sense of sensibility.
16:38He did, as Colonel Brandon, absolutely.
16:40But he was at a party once and, you know, kids are fantastic, they always say the thing they're not
16:45meant to say.
16:45And this, this kid said to Alan.
16:48Yes.
16:51Why do you always play villains?
16:54Why do you always play villains?
16:55Why do you always play villains?
16:55Why do you always play villains?
16:55You know, it's the last thing you want to say to him.
16:57And Alan went, I don't play villains.
17:01I play very interesting people.
17:06Now, I'm going to give you a few English actors, I want you to tell me the villains they've played
17:10in Hollywood movies.
17:11Peter Cushing.
17:13Show business.
17:14Yes.
17:15I don't know.
17:15Well, they don't pass.
17:17Other people have a chance, yes.
17:19Dracula.
17:20No, I don't think he ever played Dracula.
17:22Not in a Hollywood movie, certainly.
17:24Is it Tarkin?
17:25Tarkin, very good.
17:26The Grand Moff Tarkin.
17:27Steven Burkoff.
17:29Oh, Beverly Hills Cop.
17:31Beverly Hills Cop.
17:31Beverly Hills Cop, very good.
17:32And Rambo, in fact, if you remember.
17:34Oh, yeah.
17:34Christopher Lee.
17:35Actually.
17:36Yeah, the Hollywood movies.
17:38Scaramanga, Man with the Golden Gun.
17:39He did, that's kind of made in Britain too, but actually it's...
17:43He was a bad wizard in the Hobbit films.
17:46He was a very bad wizard, wasn't he?
17:47He was an awfully naughty wizard.
17:49Turncoat wizard.
17:49Though he was very angry not to be cast in the third one.
17:52He was furious.
17:53He hardly catches a break, does he?
17:55No, he doesn't.
17:55He was also in Star Wars, apparently.
17:57Is Christopher Plummer British?
18:00Well, Canadian, actually.
18:01Oh.
18:02Yeah.
18:02I had a friend who worked with Christopher Plummer in the film, and it's one of those...
18:06He arrived at the airport, and, you know, the runner was there to say,
18:10well, you know, go straight to the bar of the hotel, and Chris will be there to say,
18:13don't mention The Sound of Music.
18:16Okay, okay, okay.
18:17So he stays around, hangs there, you know, into the bar.
18:21Christopher Plummer comes in, and then half an hour later he was playing Edelweiss on the piano.
18:26That's weird.
18:27What did he see in the baroness in the first place?
18:29She was vile.
18:33She was a bit stiff and grumpy and not very good with children.
18:37No.
18:38Do you think it would have been better if they'd made the baroness just obviously wonderful and gorgeous?
18:42Lovely.
18:43You know what?
18:44Why is she shagging the staff?
18:46She should have been Mary Poppins, and then they could have had a Maria Mary face-off.
18:53Like Alien versus Predator.
18:55Yeah.
18:55Yeah.
18:57I can get hat stands out of carpet bags.
19:01Yeah.
19:01Or I can make a whole outfit out of curtains in two hours.
19:03For six people.
19:06And snap my fingers and make drawers open and close.
19:09Yeah.
19:09Yeah.
19:10I can defeat the Nazis.
19:11And then...
19:13That's the Trump card.
19:14That is the winner.
19:14The thing that's never mentioned in that film is that he's an old naval captain.
19:20That's right.
19:21From the Austro-Hungarian Navy.
19:22Yeah.
19:23Now living in a country with no coastline.
19:26He'd be quite pissed off turning up for work.
19:29First day, you know...
19:31Rowing around the lake.
19:32We just signed...
19:33Just signed the Treaty of Versailles.
19:35Very exciting.
19:36What next?
19:38What's funny about The Sound of Music?
19:40That it's just the sort of picture Hitler would have liked if only the people hadn't been running
19:43away from the Nazis.
19:45Yeah.
19:45That's probably true.
19:45It wouldn't be able to be sentimental.
19:48It's not that little Austrian dance.
19:50Yeah.
19:51I did a film with Julie Andrews and it happened to be at around the time there was the total
19:56eclipse.
19:57It was supposed to be in Cornwall but we were filming on the Isle of Man.
19:59And we went onto a hillside to watch the total eclipse.
20:02And half the population of the Isle of Man, while this great cosmic miracle was going
20:07on, was staring at Julie Andrews.
20:09I was just going, what are you doing?
20:11The son had gone up and said, we can't see her now.
20:14It was wonderful.
20:15Yeah.
20:15Just our luck.
20:17One day, Julie Andrews turns up and makes it.
20:23I watched it on the telly because it wasn't happening where I was.
20:26It was on Sky News.
20:27And this is the thing where they know, they really do know to the second when it's going
20:31to happen.
20:32And they still went there an hour early to film.
20:35Oh.
20:35And then they showed a replay of it.
20:38And the anchor man said, and there's our old friend, Moon, very much getting in the
20:44way.
20:50Anyway, the point is, if you're an English actor, there's a good living to be made being
20:55beaten up by American action stars.
20:56Now, speaking of stiff upper lips, what does it tell you about an Englishman if he spells
21:01his name with a double F at the front?
21:03He's from the 15th century, I thought.
21:06It might be.
21:08Is it...
21:08Okay, this is a bit of a reach.
21:11Once upon a time, there was a posh man with a son who developed a stammer.
21:16And, um...
21:18And his name was Fuchs.
21:19And, um, in order to prevent himself being embarrassed by his poor son who had a stammer,
21:25he put two Fs in front of it so that everyone who had to introduce it and said, had to
21:30have
21:30to give Fuchs as well as his son.
21:34He'd have to conceal that fact from his son, because otherwise his son would try and pronounce
21:38both Fs.
21:39Oh, no!
21:40No!
21:43Er, no, the fact is, people think it's rather posh.
21:47It's not a double F as in music.
21:49You're supposed to say it now very loudly.
21:52No, it's a mistake.
21:53It was a mistake that was made in the 18th century by people looking at their family records,
21:57and the way a capital F was handwritten in records, it looked like two small Fs.
22:02And there are people to this day who have the two small Fs.
22:05But, actually, it's just a mistransfer.
22:07They never put it in capital letters?
22:10They never do, no.
22:10Two small Fs is the beginning.
22:11That's how it's officially spelled.
22:13Anyway, so, yes, if your ancestors spelled their names with a double F, it meant they
22:16were either Welsh or semi-literate thickos, I'm afraid.
22:19Um, so, now, fame at last.
22:21What on earth is going on here, please?
22:25Nothing to see.
22:28Okay.
22:29Show business.
22:30Florence Foster Jenkins.
22:31Very good, it is Florence.
22:32Tell us about Florence Foster Jenkins.
22:34Florence Foster Jenkins was a very rich heiress.
22:37Yeah.
22:38She's actually a man.
22:40She does see, her breasts have tumbled rather far south, haven't they?
22:45She used to rent out Carnegie Hall to do recitations.
22:49In fact, I think Maureen Lipman did a show about her.
22:53She just wanted to be an opera singer.
22:55She wanted, she was rich enough to rent out.
22:57She could afford, but it became a cult and she sold out.
23:00I mean, she could have sold out ten times over the Carnegie Hall gig.
23:03Cole Porter was so enamored of her that he wrote a song for her.
23:06Did she not notice the whole audience pissing them down?
23:09Yeah.
23:10She did, but she rose magnificently above me.
23:12She did say, some say that I couldn't sing, but no one can say that I didn't sing.
23:19Yeah, she was left a great deal of money when her father died.
23:21She sang Carnegie Hall at the age of 76.
23:25Sold out weeks in advance, 2,000 were turned away at the door.
23:29And it was $20 a piece, so she actually made a lot of money.
23:31That's about $400 a ticket in today's money.
23:33If you paid to see that show, you think it, your first bit, you're laughing, she's terrible, she's terrible.
23:40But the joke doesn't really go anywhere.
23:42By the end, just so bored, listening to this terrible singer.
23:47It was visually quite easy.
23:48She did her own costumes, she would change them regularly, telling the audience not to go away while she changed.
23:55I used to do that to him, actually.
23:58Try to make sure that he couldn't get out when I was changing.
24:01You did?
24:02Yeah, because it was very good fun.
24:03She used to show me her breasts.
24:05Very embarrassing.
24:06This fantastic effect I used to have on him, because I could make, I could do it now, I'm not
24:10going to.
24:12I can make him scream.
24:14No, don't.
24:14Not just, not like that scream that we just heard, but a real, actual, sort of, scream of terror and
24:21fright.
24:22Um, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs.
24:25Oh!
24:26And, and doing what I like to do, which is locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when
24:30he tried to get out,
24:32away, as I came down the stairs going, yes, baby, they're all yours, he couldn't get away.
24:39And by the end of which, he was in a state of such extreme panic.
24:43And it's great to make someone very clever, um, fall apart like that.
24:46I see.
24:48Well, anyway, publicity is what it's all about.
24:51There's no sense hiding your light under a bushel, which prompts me to ask,
24:54how did the ancient Greeks cover up the naughty bits on their statues?
24:58They didn't, did they?
24:59That's the point, they didn't.
25:01But then the Victorians went round and chipped them all off, is that?
25:04Well, earlier than the Victorians, actually.
25:06In the 16th century it started happening.
25:08Chipped them off?
25:09Chipped the willies off?
25:10They used to collect, I collect Greek willies.
25:12Yeah.
25:12All the way round.
25:14In some antique shop somewhere there will be a huge barrel of Greek willies.
25:19Help yourself, I'm giving them free.
25:22Spend 40 quid, you get a willies.
25:253,000 years old.
25:27Well, there is a room in the Vatican which contains all the disiecta membra.
25:31All the chipped off bits.
25:32Well, there's, um, a proud Greek statue of Hercules.
25:35Is he about to bash himself on the carcass?
25:44I said, make yourself attractive.
25:46It shows that you're really ready.
25:49It was about 1860 or so they started putting those horrible sort of rather pervy looking cabbage
25:53leaves round them.
25:54Yeah, they did.
25:55It was really the Reformation and the Counter-Reformation in Europe.
25:58They had all these people like Calvin and Savonarola who was a fierce opponent of all
26:02things pure.
26:03And suddenly, having been a very wild place, everything became incredibly, it was like
26:08a sort of 1950s America.
26:10That's like, it reminds me of Ruskin marrying Effie Gray and the great Victorian art critic,
26:17you know, married this very young girl and on the wedding night, um, was, couldn't have
26:23anything to do with because she, he didn't know that naked women had, had pubic hair,
26:28had hair.
26:29He thought they all looked like that.
26:31And so he didn't shag her for seven years and finally she said, hang on a minute, I'm
26:36not being shagged here.
26:37There's something wrong with this.
26:39So, and, um, they divorced.
26:40But in fact, the sad thing about that story is it's not true.
26:44It's a lovely, it was the first bit in the 1960s.
26:47This idea that Ruskin didn't know that women had pubes and that was shocked by the idea
26:51of it and vomited and, you know.
26:52It's true he didn't shag her though.
26:54Yeah, it seems to be certain.
26:55The ironic thing now Steven is, women generally don't have pubes anymore.
26:59Well indeed.
27:00This is my kind of, I have a slightly fond memory of pubes from the ages.
27:05It's something called a Peruvian, isn't it?
27:07Yes.
27:08Yes.
27:09And the excuse apparently is that pants is far too small.
27:11Well then you can't get your pants and have a nice, digger pants, big pants, nice bush.
27:17What's wrong with that?
27:18Seems fine to me.
27:20Do you watch yourself down there, don't you?
27:22Do you want to see it?
27:23No, I don't want to see it.
27:25No, I do not.
27:27Oh God.
27:29You know I do it.
27:30I know you would.
27:31She would.
27:32She would envelop me and lock the doors, lock the doors.
27:37Only a faint of heart.
27:39Leave immediately.
27:41What's the thing of the, this is the new thing, the, now, um, are they, is this true bleaching
27:47bomb holes?
27:49Oh no.
27:50Is that right?
27:50Yes, bleaching them in LA.
27:51David, I don't want to look at you.
27:55It's true.
27:55It's true.
27:57What, what, to what end?
28:02To a, to have, to a pinker cleaner end.
28:06I don't know.
28:07I don't know.
28:08The porn stars do.
28:08The porn stars bleach their rusty sheriff's badge.
28:11I suppose.
28:14Wow.
28:15At least, at least for a porn star it's tax deductible, I suppose.
28:19Yeah.
28:19Anyway, the ancient Greeks, they went commando.
28:22It was only in the later Middle Ages and in Victorian times that fig leaves were placed on statues.
28:27What's so upsetting about this film?
28:30Oh.
28:48Do you know what's going on here?
28:51There are beetles.
28:52Is it a disease?
28:53It's not a disease.
28:54It was 1903 and it was a very popular science-ish film, but it outraged the cheese producers of the
29:02world.
29:02Oh.
29:03It's bacillus in cheese.
29:04It's, it's cheese mites.
29:06It's, it's cheese mites.
29:07It's actual little creatures, cheese mites that exist in cheese.
29:11Microscopic cheese mites?
29:20Amongst other things, but it was, it was immense.
29:23Yes.
29:23It actually increased, I didn't want it into the sales of cheese, possibly it wouldn't have helped them, but it
29:27increased the sales of cheap microscopes.
29:29People became fascinated about, you know, the little things that go on and they could see their own little swimming
29:34things.
29:35I remember a documentary that suddenly occurs to me that your father, Eric Thompson, narrated, called something like the life
29:41that lives in man.
29:42Do you remember that?
29:43Yes, it was all about the tiny little creatures that live.
29:45Things that live in the follicles of the...
29:47Billions and billions of things in our beds all the time, even if you do turn your mattress as I
29:52do every month.
29:53I don't think turning a mattress is going to kill the things unless there's something in a laughter.
30:02The Titanic of the insane world is coming.
30:05Yeah, and in your eyelashes, we all have little creatures living in our eyelashes.
30:09It's like there's one of those adverts that sort of says there are more germs on your chopping board than
30:14on your lucid.
30:15Which the answer is, well clearly that's fine then.
30:18Yes.
30:18I mean, we're not all dying or having, constantly having diarrhoea.
30:22We are starting to die because we're cleaning them up too much.
30:25Exactly, if anything.
30:26They're saying in the advert, the very thing we are selling you is unnecessary.
30:30Yes.
30:31Exactly.
30:32Exactly.
30:34Exactly right, because it's fine.
30:36Yeah, well the fact is there was a big sort of excitement about this, except for the cheese producers who
30:40tried to suppress the film.
30:42Because it showed that in cheese, which is a living organic thing, of course, it contains these special mites that
30:47live there.
30:47And do you no harm at all?
30:49Jesus, good thing.
30:50Now, who remembers Charlton Heston?
30:52How was Michelangelo lying when he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
30:59Yes.
31:00Was he, didn't he not did it?
31:01He didn't do it.
31:02He just lied about it.
31:03He fibbed.
31:03That is the sense of lying we wanted.
31:05He certainly didn't lie down to do it, as he did in the Charlton Heston movie, The Agony and the
31:10Ecstasy, which you may have seen.
31:11Did he jump up and do it a bit at a time?
31:13He didn't...
31:14No, his neck...
31:19Well, yeah, he stood on the scaffolding and did it that way and cricked his neck and Vasari writes about
31:23it in his biography.
31:24But there is apparently, it seems, some extraordinary little secret jokes that Michelangelo painted in the fabric behind God.
31:33There's God with a bit of sort of swaggy stuff behind him.
31:37Now, that swaggy stuff, according to at least four professors, who are neuroscientists, neurosurgeons from four universities, are absolutely convinced
31:47that that particular shape...
31:50Do you know what it might be?
31:51A female part?
31:53No, it's not a female part. For once in QI's life, we're not in the downstairs lady area.
31:59Is it a brain?
32:00A brain! It is the transverse section of the sagittal area of the brain.
32:05What it argues is that he was present at some dissections, which were very popular, but completely illegal in Italy
32:12at this time.
32:13And the suggestion is that his idea of God, one of God's greatest miracles, was, of course, the human brain,
32:18which he had seen sliced through.
32:20And so he has God, literally, if you take away the brain now from that superimpositions.
32:24So there you are, yes, it seems to be a bit of brain, but there are other bits...
32:27You know, there's a museum in Oregon which is dedicated to replications of the brain made of fabrics.
32:32It's an odd type of museum. We can actually show you a perfect brain with brain stem made by some
32:38American knitting person.
32:39There you are.
32:41Yeah.
32:41Including brain stem, that's what's impressive.
32:44Are you sure that's just not the most unsuccessful attempt at a cardigan ever?
32:51Something of a disaster.
32:53No, it's meant to. It's a brain.
32:55It's a mad granny.
32:57It actually genuinely has a po-faced warning on the website showing it, saying this is a perfect reproduction of
33:03the human brain using applique, embroidery, beadwork, knitting and crochet.
33:06While our artists make every effort to ensure accuracy, we cannot accept responsibility for the consequences of using fabric brain
33:14art as a guide for functional magnetic resonance imaging.
33:19Or, indeed, home-based surgery.
33:23While they've got a tumour, or they've dropped a stick.
33:27It seems that Michelangelo may have been lying about his illegal dissecting activities, though why he would risk painting a
33:34huge piece of incriminating evidence on the ceiling of the Pope's chapel is anybody's guess.
33:38Which brings us blinking out of the darkened theatre and into the blinding light of general ignorance, so fingers on
33:44buzzers, please.
33:44What happens to a hedgehog if you remove its fleas?
33:50David.
33:51It dies.
33:52Oh!
33:54David, Davidy, wavity, Davidy, woo.
33:57No.
33:57No, there is a myth to this effect, but it's not true at all.
34:00It's perfectly possible if you covered it with anti-dog flea powder, it would die from the dog flea powder,
34:06but not from the lack of fleas.
34:08They're very happy with their fleas.
34:09It doesn't kill them with or without.
34:11What mustn't you feed hedgehogs?
34:14Bread and milk.
34:15Exactly.
34:15Bread and milk is a bad idea.
34:16People do.
34:17It gives them diarrhoea and they dry out.
34:20You don't really feed bread and milk to any mammal, including humans.
34:23But there is a great idea of fortune.
34:24I'll come off it.
34:26Well, you shouldn't feed humans bread and milk.
34:28No, not really.
34:29What do you mean, not really?
34:30It's absolutely demonstrably fine.
34:33No, it's not very good for you.
34:34Well, it's fine.
34:35We've been drinking milk and eating bread for ages.
34:38Why is it suddenly a massive problem?
34:39Oh, no, actually, we're supposed to live until we're 250.
34:42But now, we're eating all this poisonous bread and milk all the time.
34:46We can barely live past 98.
34:50It's ridiculous.
34:51Of course we're supposed to eat bread and milk.
34:54Not just bread and milk.
34:55Oh, poor Alan.
34:56Don't bully him.
34:57No, no.
34:58Poor Alan.
34:59It's not...
35:00You shake hands and be friends now.
35:01Sorry, Alan.
35:02So, despite what you may have heard on Radio 4's programme.
35:06Ah, yes.
35:07Presented by David Mitchell.
35:08What's your programme called?
35:09The Unbelievable Truth.
35:11Exactly.
35:11One of the unbelievable truths turns out unbelievably to be not true.
35:14Yes, you claimed.
35:15You claimed.
35:16Yeah, just people give you this shit and you read it out.
35:19It's brilliant.
35:20I have no idea what you mean.
35:22I have no idea what you mean.
35:23I have no idea what you mean.
35:23I have no idea what you mean.
35:26Anyway, we are very happy to put you right on your otherwise excellent programme.
35:30In fact, hedgehogs don't mind whether they have fleas or not.
35:32Although, they wouldn't be very happy if you poisoned them with flea powder.
35:35Now, Shakespeare mentions the football twice.
35:38How often does he mention the cricket?
35:40He doesn't mention the cricket because it didn't exist then.
35:47Cricket certainly existed in the 16th century.
35:50Oh, right.
35:50In 1550 there's a mention of cricket and that's before...
35:54Are you sure that's not the small insect?
35:56Three times he mentions the insect.
35:58You're absolutely right.
35:59But not the game.
36:00He never mentions the game, to be honest.
36:01But it did exist.
36:03To be honest, that never, I said, was right.
36:05And I got massive...
36:06No.
36:07You asserted on the 26th of May, Mr. Mitchell, that the game cricket didn't exist in Shakespeare
36:13time.
36:13It did.
36:14Although Shakespeare doesn't mention it.
36:15There's this whole round.
36:18Because radio shows don't have the same budget.
36:21So there's fewer people.
36:22If you want to kill off the medium, then that's fine.
36:24But it brings a lot of people a lot of pleasure.
36:29Shakespeare mentions the cricket three times, though he was, of course, right.
36:31He was referring to the insect.
36:32But the game did exist in his day, despite what you may have heard on The Unbelievable
36:35Truth.
36:35The excellent, excellent Radio 4 programme.
36:38Yes, it is excellent.
36:39Which I would urge you all to listen to.
36:40Now, what kind of hair do head lice prefer?
36:44Yes.
36:45Clean hair.
36:46Clean hair.
36:47Did you say clean?
36:48Oh!
36:49I'm sorry.
36:50No, there was.
36:51You see, there was this...
36:52Originally people thought it was dirty hair.
36:54This was repudiated and it was replaced by another fallacy that it was clean hair they
36:57prefer.
36:57Any hair will do to a louse.
36:59They don't mind as long as there's an adequate blood supply.
37:02There's no preference either for clean or dirty.
37:04The hair on a living person.
37:06In fact, basically, you just have to be alive and have a hair.
37:09What are knits?
37:10I thought they were the same thing as a slang term for it.
37:12No, knits are the egg cases and they stay on.
37:16You can't get rid of them.
37:16They'll stay on sometimes for weeks and weeks after the actual louse has escaped.
37:20Now, how does a flu jab work?
37:24It gives you a minor version of the illness.
37:28Oh, no!
37:30That's the point.
37:31It doesn't give you mild cases of flu.
37:33Oddly enough, it's not that kind of a vaccine.
37:35Most people think it is and they often think they've been given flu by the jab because it
37:40might happen that they get the jab around the time flu is arriving in the country.
37:44And it's perfectly possible to get real flu at the same time.
37:47And you'll assume it's the jab that's given it to you.
37:49But in fact, it's an inert, inactive virus.
37:51So you have no flu.
37:52It doesn't give you flu.
37:53But it's enough.
37:54But even though it's inert, your body...
37:56It's still enough to get your antibodies prepared for it.
37:59But only for that particular strain.
38:01Anyway, what's the most depressing day of the week in research?
38:07Yes?
38:08Monday.
38:08Monday.
38:09Oh!
38:10Oh, I'm sorry, no.
38:14Sort of obvious.
38:15Oddly enough, if you ask people, which they think is the most depressing day of the week,
38:19they will say Monday.
38:21Or Sunday.
38:22But if you then ask even the same people over a long period of time, and then a lot of
38:26them, on each separate day, are they more depressed today or yesterday or...
38:31It overwhelmingly is...
38:33Tuesday.
38:34No, oddly enough, Wednesday.
38:35Tuesday.
38:35It seems to be...
38:36I mean, you could argue it's because...
38:38In fact, there's a French joke.
38:39Why should you never arrange a meeting with an Englishman on a Wednesday?
38:44Because you'll screw up two weekends of his, basically.
38:48Because they think of us as very lazy.
38:49Yeah, I know.
38:50Do they?
38:50Do they?
38:51Yes.
38:51How dare they?
38:52Well, you know, I know obviously we're always keen to slag each other off as countries.
38:57But lazy's not.
38:58Lazy's not.
38:58I don't think...
39:19Inuvia Films Limited.
39:20Made more than 360 million this year.
39:22And made about as much the year before as well.
39:24A film?
39:25Yup.
39:26Made by the Inuvia Film Company.
39:28I've seen it.
39:29In fact, you've seen it.
39:30It's not like some teach the Chinese English thing.
39:33No.
39:34Here it is.
39:36Celebrate.
39:38A British thing.
39:41That is the most successful ever British film.
39:44Yeah, obviously.
39:45Apart from Nanny McPhee, obviously.
39:47Yeah.
39:48I've got a question.
39:50Yeah.
39:51You know the word lovey?
39:53Yeah.
39:53What do you all feel about it?
39:55I mean, I'm not going to get as upset as some actors do.
39:58Some actors say, we do a bloody hard job of work.
40:00Yeah.
40:00We're serious people.
40:01We, you know, we...
40:02It's a coalface doing a play.
40:05How dare they call us lovies?
40:06You know, I mean, that's a bit overdone.
40:08On the other hand, it's a bit tedious when, you know,
40:11the Daily Mail says, lovey couple, X, Y, and Z, or something.
40:13Well, you get it.
40:14Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED?
40:17No.
40:18It's you.
40:19Whoa!
40:21No!
40:29I can't believe I...
40:31Yeah, it's you, sometime in the 1980s.
40:32Yeah, it's you sometime in the 1980s.
40:33Did I?
40:34I'm ashamed.
40:37On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen.
40:40The time has come to top up the box office takings for this evening
40:44and see, oh my word, it's absolutely fascinating.
40:48This week's blockbuster.
40:50This week's winner, ladies and gentlemen, with plus four points,
40:54is Alan Davis!
40:56Oh!
40:58How about that?
41:00Oh!
41:03In second place, a modest success on the art house circuit,
41:08John Sessions with one!
41:12Garnering a few points at a festival you've never heard of
41:15but a very creditable first appearance,
41:17minus ten, Emma Thompson!
41:21And, er, I'm afraid going straight to video with minus fifteen,
41:26David Mitchell!
41:34And so, goodnight from Emma, John, David, Alan and me
41:38and huge thanks to our mothers and agents
41:41and everybody who believed in us and made it possible.
41:43You're all wonderful, you're all family and I...
41:45I leave you with this account of a successful family publicity stunt.
41:49The great American showman P.T. Barnum created an exhibit entitled
41:52The Happy Family, which consisted of a cage containing a lion,
41:56a tiger, a panther and a baby lamb, which was extremely successful
42:00and one day he was asked about his plans for The Happy Family,
42:04which had toured everywhere.
42:05The display will become a permanent feature, he said,
42:08if the supply of lambs holds out.
42:10Goodnight.
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