- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 22nd January 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Andy Hamilton
Hugh Dennis
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Andy Hamilton
Hugh Dennis
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI where we have prepared for you
00:09a veritable gallimorfery of gaffs, gammons and other gingham bobs.
00:14On the panel tonight we have the gotch-gutted Hugh Dennis.
00:22A clean, flashy, grinergog's Phil Jupitus.
00:29A gravey-eyed, gundy-guts, Andy Hamilton.
00:36And a proper gilly-gorpus, Alan Davis.
00:43And to attract my attention tonight, the buzzers are all on a Georgian theme.
00:48Hugh goes...
00:53Oh, Andy goes...
01:03Phil goes...
01:13Wow.
01:14And Alan goes...
01:22And I've been in Wyndham.
01:31Well, you might have been able to tell when I introduced it, I've been spending a weekend with my 18th
01:35century book of Georgian slang, and I called you gravy-eyed.
01:40What do you think that means?
01:41Eyes like gravy.
01:44Well, roomy, runny, runny eyes, they're glim-flashy.
01:48It means an angry person, glim-flashy.
01:50I think their eyes are flashing, they're glimms of their eyes, I think.
01:53There is a great phrase called, whittle my scrap.
01:55Do you know what that means?
01:56Does that mean you can exchange your car for £2,000?
01:59You know, to whittle somebody's scrap means to see their game, to see what they're up to.
02:06Ah, he whittled my scrap.
02:08And so, I have decided to institute a game of Whittle My Scrap.
02:13It's an early version of Call My Bluff.
02:16So let's play Whittle My Scrap, let's have a word.
02:19And, er, let's have your team do it.
02:21You've got to do it as Robert Robinson are playing.
02:23It's a gentleman of three outs.
02:26What can it mean?
02:27What can it mean?
02:28Andy has the answer.
02:32A gentleman of three outs was a, er, a genteel Georgian expression.
02:37And it meant, er, someone without money, without wit, and without manners.
02:42Oh right, so three withouts.
02:43So they were the three, three withouts.
02:44But it was someone without money, without wit, and without manners.
02:47And it was...
02:48So it's like a sort of Piers Morgan of the 18th century.
02:50Well, before he got rich.
02:52Yes, yeah, yeah.
02:54Good.
02:55Yeah.
02:55Well, a gentleman of three outs is a status thing.
02:58The, er, 18th century was a period in which many of the great homes were built.
03:01But lesser people couldn't afford to build massive houses, so they built smaller houses,
03:06but they put lots of outhouses on them.
03:08So if you were a gentleman of three outs, it would mean that you had three outbuildings,
03:13and that would be, er, a mark of your status and your means.
03:17Or, it was Punch Magazine's genteel description of the notorious highwayman, Johnny Tripolas.
03:28Right.
03:29Now, one of those is maybe more plausible than the others, I don't know.
03:35Right, so, our team?
03:36Who's your captain?
03:37Who's going to guess?
03:40It's a...
03:44I never used to really like call my bluff, but it was quite boring because of this bit.
03:50I used to like the bit where someone would go, I'm leaning towards you.
03:57And then they look at you and try and see if you crack.
03:59Robert's saying, we just can't tell you, have a plump, have a plump.
04:04The first one.
04:05The first one, the gentleman, without manners, reveal yourself, is it true?
04:09In that very cheesy way.
04:10Is it really interesting to go to the first one?
04:10Because you couldn't actually remember what it was.
04:12No, at all.
04:14Yeah.
04:14What he said.
04:15I wasn't really listening.
04:17I can't stand call my bluff.
04:20This is...
04:21Why are we playing call my bluff?
04:23This is a good game.
04:24We've invented a really good game and we're playing...
04:32It's...
04:33It's a way of allowing our brilliance to stand up.
04:34I'll call my bluff, they're busy playing QI and they're having a run.
04:39Shall I do it the way...
04:40Yeah, go on.
04:40...so the guy in a rig would do it?
04:43Ooh...
04:43You're right!
04:44Oh, brilliant.
04:46Well, that's awesome.
04:47Can only be point...
04:49Now, let's have the next word.
04:51And it's...
04:53Grog Blossom, it's a phrase.
04:54Grog Blossom.
04:55Would you like to explain what Grog Blossom means?
04:57It's actually the kind of mould that you get around the inside of a barrel of beer that you have
05:05to clean out before you can use it again.
05:07Right.
05:08Bill?
05:08I'd like to, if I may, do it in the style of the usual customary out-of-work actor they
05:12used to have on call my bluff.
05:13Who would then really lean into his definition in an effort to beg for work.
05:18Imagine if you will...
05:23Imagine if you will...
05:25A lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath, the sun glinting in his very eyes, for he is making his way
05:36back from an evening at the inn, where he has partaken of mead and other lascivious beverages.
05:44That's not the original.
05:47Adorning the chin of said stout fellow, are pimples, for they betray his excesses.
05:56And these, at the time, were known as Marty Fitch 01287469, available for Panto.
06:08Grog Blossom.
06:10Ah, bravo.
06:11That's so known.
06:13Basically, it's...
06:15So it's some kind of spot caused by drunkenness, or it's the mould growing on the inside of a barrel
06:21of ale.
06:22Would you like to confer?
06:23Yeah.
06:23I do think it's the stuff around the barrel.
06:25Do you?
06:26Yeah.
06:26The dull one.
06:27Yeah.
06:28We're going for the dull answer, please, Robert.
06:29Dulls, Alan.
06:30Alan, true or bluff?
06:32It's a bluff!
06:33Oh!
06:34Oh, no.
06:35So the true answer...
06:36And then I have to do it like they were...
06:37And then...
06:38And of course, the man walking across the column, it was he!
06:43Yeah.
06:44There it is.
06:45There it is.
06:49That's enough of the chutes, Georgian Grossness.
06:51Let's look at a notable gaff now.
06:54How did Captain Schlitz number two sink his own U-boat?
06:58I'm assuming that the good captain was in the bath.
07:02This couldn't have happened in an actual...
07:04No, it was a real...
07:06What, you mean playing with a toy U-boat?
07:08It was a real U-boat.
07:10Oh, I see, I wrote number two in that sense is what it is.
07:12Yes.
07:13Not as an yes number one, carry on number one.
07:15You might have blocked the loo and caused some sort of terrible backup.
07:18Ah.
07:18Fetched the ballast.
07:20Imagine how the lavatory on a submarine works.
07:23Ah!
07:24Sorry about it, a bit of a clue.
07:26Yeah, yeah, ruthless competitor.
07:30It's something to do with the flush on the toilet.
07:32Yes.
07:32How does that work, do you imagine, when you're under water?
07:34It's sucked in out but you let water in.
07:36Well, yeah, the point is that obviously the lavatory arrangements of a boat that's submersible
07:42are very complex because you can't just flush the water out in the way you can from an aeroplane or
07:46a train.
07:47And you had to have special training to operate the flush.
07:51Or, you shoot a sailor out of the torpedo tube, tied to a rope, he relieves himself and you pull
07:58him back in.
08:00Well, it seems that what happened was Captain Schlitt in his U-boat, U-1206, this is April the 14th,
08:081945, just before the end of the war.
08:11How annoying.
08:11Very annoying for him.
08:13Okay.
08:13And he has a poo.
08:14And he claims that the loo was faulty and didn't work properly.
08:19Yeah, he would say that wouldn't he?
08:20The clo, as they would say, the clo was gebrochen.
08:22It was, it was not working.
08:26But there is a theory that, in fact, he'd just done a rather monster and unpleasant poo.
08:31And was too embarrassed to ask the, the sailor who was responsible for the doing of the flushing to come
08:36in because there was a bit of it.
08:38Yeah.
08:38And, um, and so he did it himself and got it in the wrong order and he filled the place
08:43with sewage and water.
08:45Um, and, but more importantly.
08:47And just left it.
08:48Yeah, had it.
08:49As he would have been a hotel.
08:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:53That was, that was like that when I went in.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Yeah, yeah.
08:57Don't go in that one.
08:58My God.
08:59Yeah.
09:01So, as he climbed out of the tower of the submarine and the, and the.
09:04No, they're underwater.
09:05That's the point.
09:06This all happened.
09:06Underwater.
09:07Well, what happened, you see, is there was a leak of this water.
09:11The water came in and it leaked into, what powered those few boats?
09:15Diesel?
09:16No.
09:17They had a battery.
09:18A battery.
09:19A huge acid battery.
09:20And when the sea water hits the battery, it creates.
09:23Chlorine gas.
09:24Oh.
09:24Toxic chlorine gas.
09:26And so they had to rise up to the surface to vent.
09:29And they were spotted and blown out of the water.
09:32So just because he basically.
09:34It's very unfair to shoot a man with his trousers right there.
09:37It is fake.
09:38But it is the only and only case.
09:40This doesn't count.
09:41Yeah.
09:42Yeah.
09:43Well, Captain Kamadov Schlitz sank his own U-boat using nothing more deadly than its own
09:47lavatory.
09:48Now, getting up.
09:49What gets you up in the morning?
09:56I'm a writer.
09:57I mean, getting up in the morning isn't really part of my job.
10:03I used to leave the World Service on overnight and just very quiet on the radio at the side.
10:08And so I thought I'd wake up sort of quite naturally.
10:11But I was listening to Radio 4 on the way to work the next day.
10:15And I heard the news on the radio.
10:17And I thought, I dreamed this.
10:19For two days I thought I was psychic.
10:23Because I'd been dreaming what I was listening to on the World Service.
10:26And I thought, oh my God, I've got the powers.
10:31Are there ones you know of?
10:33Did you ever use this as a child if you didn't have an alarm clock?
10:36This was the old wivesy one.
10:38Banging your head on the pillow the number of times.
10:41So one, two, three, four, five, six.
10:43And you would wake up at six.
10:45With a concussion.
10:46Do you know, have you not heard that?
10:47Have you not tried that?
10:48You maybe have to have been at a boarding school.
10:50But we used to get, like, if you were doing a raid on the kitchens or something.
10:54We'd say, okay, we'll get up at three and we'll go down to the kitchens.
10:57And because they have these big blocks of catering jelly and you'd eat the blocks of jelly.
11:01But left out specially for the ones who are going to raid the kitchen.
11:04Yeah.
11:05Probably.
11:05If the kids have been raided in the kitchen again, better leave some jelly out.
11:09But we would go bang, bang, bang like that.
11:11At three and you'd wake up at three.
11:13And it seemed to work.
11:14We were convinced it did work.
11:15Sleep researchers say that it doesn't.
11:17You just wake up a lot because you're not sleeping.
11:19And you look at your watch and then you only remember the one that works.
11:22You've got a tremendous headache.
11:23I think the lady wants to sleep.
11:26You say you don't get up early.
11:28But are you a night owl?
11:29Do you work later?
11:29No, I can get up early, but I have to.
11:32Yeah.
11:33So it's reckoned that 20% of people are genuinely, you know, it is a difficulty for them because they
11:37are larks or owls, as you might say.
11:41They are early or late and that's to say they fall asleep at dinner parties if they're a lark and
11:45they just can't get up if they're an owl.
11:47Teenagers are owls, aren't they?
11:49Young children are larks and teenagers are owls and then very old people tend to get back to being larks
11:53again and rise very early.
11:54But it's very irritating.
11:55If people do get up very early, they will justify that by saying, best part of the day, best part
12:01of the day.
12:02It's not, it's just part of the day.
12:05I see another bit of the day.
12:08There are things that happen early in the morning that are different if you've stayed up for them than if
12:14you've woken up to them.
12:15Like it's three or four in the morning and you're having an all-nighter and you hear the bin man
12:19and you feel guilty and you hate the fact the morning's come.
12:22If you wake up to it, you think, yes, it belongs to me. It's a big difference, isn't it?
12:26I used to live in a house in Hearn Hill and I had the room at the front and there
12:30was one bin man who thought he could sing.
12:33And at six in the morning he would come and he would sing, don't cry for me Argentina.
12:38But he could never get the last note.
12:40So yeah, don't cry for me Argentina.
12:44No!
12:47It used to vary morning to morning.
12:50And I was that close to insanity because he was, you know, he was my lark.
12:56Yeah, every morning.
12:57Rex Harrison did your bins.
12:59He had two sisters called my Argentina, didn't you know?
13:05You know what the American Indians supposedly did to make sure they got up early for a dawn raid?
13:10Because they didn't have alarm clocks.
13:12Leave the window, leave the curtains open?
13:14No.
13:15Isn't it all curtains?
13:16They would drink lots of water.
13:18So they needed a wee.
13:19So they would have to go up for a wee.
13:22MIT produced a clock which, when you press the snooze button, it runs off and hides.
13:29So then when it rings again you have to get up to stop it.
13:32And it's programmed each day to hide in a different place.
13:36It's never in the same place.
13:37They are working on really important projects.
13:40And there's another one which is an arm clock in the shape of a dumbbell.
13:45And you can't shut it up unless you do 30 reps on the thing.
13:49So it's a way of getting fit and waking up at the same time.
13:52What a deeply demoralizing, that clock thing.
13:55The deeply demoralizing starts of the day.
13:57You've been outwitted by a clock.
13:59The first thing that's happened in your day.
14:01The clock's giving you the run around for half an hour.
14:04There's another one which every time you press the snooze button.
14:08Right, it's got an online connection.
14:10You donate money to a political cause you hate.
14:14That's good.
14:15That's quite clever isn't it?
14:16That's very good.
14:17We've got a clock, it's like a cuckoo clock but it's a monkey.
14:21And he comes out and goes ah, ah, ah, ah.
14:23On the hour.
14:24But only ever when I'm saying something important.
14:28Unbelievable.
14:29Every time I'll be saying, no, look, no, the thing is, what do you got to understand?
14:32Oh, ooh, ah, ah, ah.
14:34And one day it's going to end up like the cuckoo clock in Stacto and something.
14:38It's like waiters in restaurants who do that only
14:40just as you reach the punchline of a joke and so she said, who's having the laugh?
14:47well there you go you see there are of course many cunning ways of waking yourself up without
14:51a lot of American Indians swore by a nice full bladder now here are samples of handwriting
14:56from our panelists I want you to match the handwriting to the panelista and see what
15:02you can say about it give your reasons if you can obviously don't say your own because you'll
15:05know your own hello my name is Phil Jupiter I wonder who that could be I think there's a clue
15:12it's rather good handwriting whoever that it's quite sort of calligraphically learnt isn't
15:16it dear points of view I wish to complain about QI what can I ask why I'm wearing a beret
15:22yeah that's the eyebrow I can't control people always think that I'm being quizzical when they
15:31say something and I can't it's just it's not like is it on its way up or on its way
15:36down
15:36I have no idea so any thoughts or what about I must not answer back to me D is Phil
15:42D is Phil do you think yeah I think there's a strong chance it's Phil I know that D is
15:47Andy
15:47because he writes on my scripts rude things when we're filming does he really have that fine
15:52I think he has that very fine yes that is me congratulations on fine handwriting a graphologist
15:59would say of yours that it's mostly joined up logical systematic thinker some words are more
16:04spaced than others therefore open honest but deep in thought sociable because of the slightly
16:09forward slant to the right all right so okay we that's good we've got your we can eliminate
16:13D as being Andy Hamilton I think C is Alan because it's the untideest no I just think it's Alan
16:23no why is it your own yeah it is oh that's really good how do you know what should we
16:30do in it earlier
16:31no no I just thought that looks like Adam wrote it which is the only way you can play this
16:40game
16:43yeah close lettering is unstable apparently oh there wasn't much room on the bit of paper
16:48oh I'll forgive you I just squeeze it in to get it in letters not mostly joined up sometimes does
16:55things without thinking it's a big fat pen yeah I know so we're left with B and A so B
17:02and I can
17:03probably work you think it's a kind of a bit logical thing there so B is Phil yep no B
17:08is Hugh
17:09that's quite good handwriting it's quite um flowing quite feminine almost isn't it well you know
17:18you know my nature it's very nice it's very nice and anything about me yeah joins up most but not
17:24all that is artistic and intuitive self-control egotism and coldness on the other hand because
17:29it's upright always being upright man it doesn't it must be understood at this point that the British
17:35psychological society in any empirical test ever done has shown that graphology as a way of
17:40interpreting character has zero validity like astrology so this is a bit of a kind of non realm
17:47yeah but no it's interesting to know that and even in America it's not allowable in court
18:01forensic graphology where you prove that this person did write this that is allowable but the idea that
18:07you can interpret character and it is just absolute and I say I'm now I'm not looking forward to the
18:11DNA
18:12round but the worrying thing about it is that three thousand British businesses use graphologists for
18:19recruitment they actually hire people on the basis of a completely specious good away as any there
18:25are they yeah but it's body water are they yeah girls have nicer handwriting than boys they don't
18:33that is one thing you can often do not until 100% but you can tell gender yeah and you
18:38thought I was a
18:39girl yeah well not always I said not 100% we actually tip x out the smiley face dots over
18:44the eyes
18:44but I like yours Phil I like your age it says here about you self-control egotism coldness unstable
18:52sometimes does things well now I'm with you there yeah yeah unstable whoa we could maybe have a
18:57fight as to who is the coldest let's both get a 99 and just stand there with it yeah I
19:05just want to
19:05melt loses I thought I was cold yeah so you did a hundred yeah I sat a test to become
19:16a French train
19:17driver what my friend's dad was a psychologist for SNCF and in France they had this idea that you know
19:27it's a responsible job like a train driver you'll find out if the person's a maniac or not mmm we
19:32don't bother with that and so I sat the test and there was a handwriting element but what they did
19:38um was you had to hold the pen in your wrong hand and they put a right there's a kind
19:44of rubber ring
19:45around the middle and you had to try and trace over um what was written there and if it drifted
19:50up the
19:51page you were assertive possibly too aggressive and if it went down the page you were deemed to be too
20:00passive and good lord what was really interesting was the tests were all actually common sense there
20:06was one where they said right press that pedal if it's green that pedal if it's red that pedal if
20:11it's yellow and you'll hear a hooter if you get it wrong and you did it for about 15 seconds
20:16and
20:16then they arbitrarily sounded the hooter and then it was just to see whether you went to pieces or not
20:20I'm just fascinated how you can drive a train too passively though what do you do how can you
20:24be too passive driving oh we're going terribly fast oh no well there you are how can you tell when
20:35you're a victim of the goldilocks effect yes you feel just right no that's sort of exactly what a
20:46goldilocks anything is isn't it because that's the nature of goldilocks you're absolutely right
20:50it's just all about this one's too much that one's too little this one is just right and the goldilocks
20:56effect is used in business you set a price of something and then you set three bears on them
21:03well you have a range of three and the most expensive one is unbelievably expensive
21:10and the second one is really a quarter as much and seems just as nice really and then there's
21:17a third one that's really very cheap and most people will go for the second one because they
21:21think it's just right they think oh the first one's too expensive that's a bargain a good example
21:25supposedly of goldilocks pricing is the airfare actually the basic economy price for a transatlantic
21:32airline is about 500 pounds and then there's business class for a mere 3,500 and then first class
21:38with a full-size bed and the ability to order food whenever you want and other things for
21:428,000 and according to goldilocks pricing business class with all its perks looks like a bargain when
21:48compared to the 8,000 even though it's still seven times as expensive as economy I was talking to
21:53Steve Cram once and he's a nice very nice chap very fast runner and he said that they make trainers
22:00they have to make some that are extremely expensive because people will buy them if they don't the
22:06other manufacturer will charge 200 quid for basically once you get to about this was 10 years ago and he
22:11was saying about 60 quid so maybe it's a bit more then they're really about the same after that
22:16yeah so once you get to 100, 120, 150 you're just giving them money and that's called prestige pricing
22:21which is again a bizarre if you if something's expensive enough people will believe it must be
22:25quality and you know they see me coming they see those people coming
22:31well there are other goldilocks things there's a goldilocks zone the distance from the sun a planet
22:36has to be in another solar system which would support water where it would be wouldn't be too hot
22:41wouldn't be too cold well there you are anyway yes goldilocks pricing is a technique where one item
22:46is given a huge price tag to help persuade us that the next one down is relatively good value
22:50now we're off to ireland where the policemen are called guards guarder the guarder exactly now did
22:56you hear about the irish policeman who tried to arrest a polish driving license no do you know the
23:03story you do you might i sort of it was someone was done for speeding or something yeah is that
23:09right in lots of different parts of ireland yeah that's exactly right all that he had 50 offenses against
23:14he was fast becoming the most wanted motorist in ireland bravo yazd is a master criminal because he he
23:21had different driving license that had different addresses on so this bravo yazd had all these
23:25goodness knows what he was up to apart from the driving offenses exactly that was what everyone was
23:30puzzled by he they really wanted him but it turned out one guarder member said i think i may be
23:36wrong
23:36bravo yazd is the polish for driving license and uh red faces all around the garda headquarters there
23:45it is bravo yazd um and uh the fact they said tell me to conduire above it might have been
23:53a hint but
23:53there are they still looking for his brother red sets polizza polska well on the subject of driving
24:00license guess who had the first driving license in the world the queen no oddly enough you couldn't be
24:05wrong guru because the queen has no driving no driving license she's the only person in britain
24:11who doesn't have a driving license uh yet who drives she or there may be a legal one
24:17legally has no need for a driving so so what does she show them at blockbusters to prove her address
24:24that's not a twenty-pound note that would do it yeah well um no but it's the first ever driving
24:36license not surprisingly perhaps who invented the motor car mr bens mr bens carl bens carl bens is in
24:44mercedes-benz yeah exactly um he just made one for himself well no the citizens i think i need a
24:49license
24:51so i've learned this machine
24:54i need a license to drive now i can drive
25:00driving license number one
25:04zero zero zero one
25:08i'll bet the first thing he did when he got on the road was stop the next plug and go
25:11there is your
25:11oh dear
25:18i will issue it as a license
25:21five marks
25:24zero zero zero two
25:28good day two
25:31where's your license
25:33i will issue you with a license
25:37that's how he kept making the cars yeah it's so busy the authorizing body was called the dump
25:48kessel überwachungsverein which means the steam boiler supervision association which granted the first
25:55licenses in the mandatory ones in prussia
25:57the ssa
26:00until the 14th of may 2002 women and he was still doing it
26:18now in lithuania in that year
26:21women had to undergo a certain test in order to get a license what do you think that test was
26:25in where lithuania in lithuania yes
26:27me a test
26:28uh well yes a gynecological examination
26:30you're joking
26:33i don't know there was one man who ran the entire office
26:39it's rather bizarre
26:41the chinese the chinese had multiple choice driving test questions
26:45a hundred of them one of them includes is if you come across a road accident victim
26:49whose intestines are lying on the road
26:52should you pick them up and push them back in
26:56it's the answer yes or no
26:57i should think you don't push them back in
26:59you don't you're right you would not get your license
27:01i'm not a doctor
27:03you know that weird thing in the cultural revolution in china whereby
27:07traffic lights that you know here are green for go and red for stop
27:10but they thought during the cultural revolution that that was incorrect and that red should mean go
27:15because you know it's culturally communism and all the rest of it
27:18but they failed to change all the traffic lights so some traffic lights cream is going some red was
27:24code and they just had thousands of accidents
27:27and then they had to sort of change it back
27:29wow hence the probability of there being intestines lying on the road
27:34it's not the way it came from in the first place
27:35it's a practical question
27:36no they're not actually green though are they they're kind of blue
27:39yes they can be can't they
27:40because because red and green is a very very common color blindness so when they first did red and
27:45green it was a disaster for some people just carried straight on yeah because they
27:50couldn't tell which light whether it was the top of the bottom
27:52no they could so they say the green if i see a black and white film i can tell which
27:55lights on can't you yes but not in the dark steam and sometimes you
27:59yeah yeah you are relying on the color let's face no you know that you're right i'm sorry
28:04that's fair can we not argue because that is what the terrorists want
28:09you're right thank you voice of sanity
28:14so big that here a character in the film once they don't look at the lights the lights never hit
28:18anyone so that's quite a good motto for driving it is this is what i will use
28:32so now we're motoring along nicely here so can you tell me what travels from land's end to john
28:39o'groach every year at about one third of a mile per hour but it slows down a bit on
28:46hills does it
28:47specifically go from there to there or is it just a north south it actually goes from the south to
28:51the
28:51north but it includes going from land so uh tectonic wave or something weird i don't know if they
28:58exist i just made that up no no it's something sort of a slightly more abstract it's a phenomenon
29:03rather which you were sort of getting is it dress sense
29:10if we're talking about we're in the south to the north
29:13hold on the gulf stream is it sort of is it a windy thing seasonal it is a season
29:21well spring spring is the answer spring takes eight weeks to get from the very south coast
29:28all the way up to the very north and up to the autumn is but what's the definition of spring
29:32well there is a phenotype analysis you can do a particular common plants blooming anyone who lives
29:38say in the midlands and occasionally goes to london will say oh my god they've already got their
29:41daffodils out or we haven't yet or they'll go north and say they haven't got their tulips yet and
29:45it's very noticeable yeah when the weatherman's on radio four and he goes and you might like to make
29:54note that it's the first day of spring today yeah no it's not i think you'll find i'm still freezing
30:01here eight miles a day it does spring is that what we're saying i'm i'm saying it takes it takes
30:08about
30:08eight weeks to get from john and growth and someone's calculated that as being about a third of a mile
30:12per
30:13hour you could walk and just beat spring yeah it's a weird thought that's very weird if you timed it
30:19with a daffodil you can walk at exactly the right speed you go oh and you feel rather beautiful
30:28i'm in touch with my feminine side you know you responded to your handwriting beautifully well it's
30:35the phenological observations as they call them of the various different things that trigger spring
30:39it's a rather wonderful thought isn't it spring moving up like that why do birds fly south in the
30:45winter i thought you're going to mark it because it's too far to walk no but it's um
30:52okay because it's warmer presumably but what's the advantage of the warmth well you feel nicer
31:00better on your feathers there's nothing like the sun on your feathers it's the insects the insects in the
31:04north in the frozen earth you can't get at them or they've died anyway and they're in a sort of
31:08dormant
31:08state and they're not available the food for the birds is not there so it is food spring travels
31:14north through britain at about one third of a mile per hour but arrives two days later for every hundred
31:19foot of elevation as we're traveling at a snail's pace never mind snail mail what happened to the snail
31:24telegram or telegraph
31:29that's not it is it no amazing a frenchman called benoit had a theory that when two snails male and
31:36female
31:37mated right that forever afterwards they had a telepathic power there's some all right in snails for you
31:45and that no matter how far away they were they could communicate thoughts to each other
31:50so he raised money to develop this system where he had a sort of dish to which he glued right
31:5824 snails
32:01which he labeled a to z missing out i think q and x possibly and then the mates of each
32:07one he did the
32:07same two on another dish and the other dish could go to new york all you had to do was
32:11wibble the a
32:13and the a in new york one would wiggle because it had mated with the and and so you'd send
32:18your
32:18message by typing snails and the person at the other end would watch the snails vibrate
32:25as i say the amazing thing is he found someone to invest in this
32:31and that gentleman is how we broke the enigma code
32:36isn't it fantastic it was called the paci la linic sympathetic compass using escargotic vibration
32:45these snails are just disgusting
32:47they are all over each other were they i'm stopping get a room
32:52technically they had a room
32:54they had a room around
32:56yes that's sort of the thing is it wrong to be aroused now because i
33:00oh anyway certainly the paci la linic sympathetic compass or snail telegraph
33:05simply didn't work uh whilst on the service of gadgetry however what's the point of those machines
33:11ah now that's a uh eternally filling glass in the middle never emptying
33:16yes perpetual motion oh points to the man absolutely they're all perpetual motion machines or at least
33:22attempts to design perpetual motion machine well what is a perpetual motion machine one that never
33:27stops one that is in motion in perpetuity steven yes
33:31no but there's more slightly more than that with a with a view to there must be no input of
33:36energy
33:36oh it's no energy you should be able to get energy out get energy out because it's moving and of
33:41course it transgresses what what law law thermodynamics the first and second laws of thermodynamics and
33:48there's a simpson episode where lisa builds a perpetual motion machine home and says in this house we
33:52obey the laws of thermodynamics
33:57line but uh no the point is they can never work and leonardo actually did drawings of attempted
34:02perpetual motion machines but he realized being no he's just drawn a chocolate orange from the top
34:07oh yes
34:10how boring have you got to be if you draw a diagram of how you take a chocolate orange apart
34:15well no he invented a lot of things he did invented that and he did write in his notebook oh
34:20ye seekers
34:20after perpetual motion how many vain chimeras have you pursued go and take your place with the
34:25alchemists so he spotted quite early on that it was never going to work sadly our universe is not
34:31made in such a way because you only need one and you could power the world from it in theory
34:44us now grumbling to the gizzards of general ignorance so figures on buzzers if you would
34:50take a child and give them a really sugary drink what happens i haven't got any kids i've no idea
35:02speaking as an uncle ah i'm often discouraged from giving them too much chocolate because they go in
35:07quotes mental oh right so is that it no it's odd almost every mother watching this will disbelieve
35:17me and i say that medical evidence shows that sugary drinks do not cause hyperactivity they do not
35:23i know it's shocking you're going ah you should see mine it does i swear to you it does well
35:28it doesn't
35:28so maybe just any sort of fuel so if you gave a drink of water or an apple you do
35:33test the so-called
35:34you know children that do this in which you give them drinks that they actually have no sugar in
35:37at all the parents think they have the sugar the parents think it's the parents who perceive it
35:42and it's very interesting the parents who perceive it are the ones who most hover over their children
35:48and are most critical of their children's behavior anyway they're the ones who apparently notice it
35:53was this research funded by coke
35:58we trialed this question on the qi website and none of the mothers believed us they all said i don't
36:03care what
36:03the scientists say my child goes i don't believe it either but then i'm very in touch with my feminine
36:07so they they they dip quite quickly kids anyway so if you just keep giving them something to snack on
36:15they keep i mean they'll go up again at least that works for my nephews they run around a bit
36:19and go
36:20oh oh and that works oh god they go home and then you give them a sandwich and they go
36:25up oh yeah quite hard work keeping a level yeah even keel through the day i think that's generally
36:33true we know you won't believe us but sugary drinks don't make children hyperactive that's general
36:38ignorance that's why we call it general ignorance however what happens if you leave teeth in a glass of
36:42cola overnight well they totally completely dissolve disappear no it turns out they don't
36:53there was a famous occasion in 1950 when a doctor appeared before the house of representatives special
36:59committee he was called clive mckay of cornell university and to dramatize his testimony he said
37:05that the tooth left in a glass of coke would begin to dissolve after two days even if his claims
37:10were
37:10accurate it is absolutely no relevance whatsoever because it washes down your teeth quickly you
37:15don't you know soak your teeth in it does it clean your money though is that is it the one
37:19that
37:19cleans your money i believe it does a good lot of a sauce hp sauce is really good right it's
37:24actually
37:24vinegar that's what does it is that it yeah yeah all that money i've been wasting the next piece
37:30my mum used to say to me uh because i used to drink a lot of coke when i was
37:34in my early teens and she
37:36say you shouldn't drink coke because it stains the inside of your stomach
37:44that's going to put the girls off isn't it yeah yeah
37:47how do you know that's not true no you don't but you kind of think well if i ever see
37:51the inside
37:52of my stomach it's probably going to be a bit late to worry about what color it is i can't
37:57wait
37:58and yeah i mean i don't like to talk about a friend's death but at your post-mortem look at
38:02this terrible stain you've got cola colored tripe oh my goodness well they do cause tooth decay
38:10but not as much as we discovered in a previous qi as jam no crisps potato crisps crisps far more
38:19tooth decay caused by them no yes because they stay on your teeth because they stay there and they just
38:24hang around yeah we'll do one you might actually believe name an ape that walks just on two feet
38:30and isn't human because we obviously walk on two feet rather than on our hands only on two feet yeah
38:36that's so he doesn't know they use the back of their hands like this is it a monkey with a
38:45tail i
38:46seem to remember seeing there's a very keen little monkey with a tail wait it's got a tail
38:53that's what a counterbalance is in more from you there phil baboon gibbon chimp oh you've said it
38:58baboon gibbon or chimp yes oh gibbon is the right answer the funky gibbon in particular the funky
39:07giggas yeah Harrison gibbon let it go let it go it looks so shifty like it's all it's just
39:15in his head he had the mission impossible music i can do this no they are as well that's rather
39:23good
39:23is that again oh that's russell brad
39:32they do that just to taunt the other eight yeah i think they probably do can you do this it's
39:37considered by evolution is to be a more primitive way of walking the way we do and gibbons do it
39:41seems
39:41to be earlier than the four i know that's weird anyway let's finish with an easy one for you i
39:47want
39:47you to sort these following creatures and phenomena into age order which is the oldest oldest
39:54youngest i'd put a first a first the himalayas yeah no they're quite young that's why they're tall
40:01they are all mountains are young because they haven't been they are they are the youngest they
40:06are the youngest thing on the board there they're the youngest of them all they're only 20 million
40:11years old dcba dcba is not bad not bad dcab it's actually cdba right the oldest is a spider
40:21then the cockroach then the triceratops and then the himalayas or himalayas in fact it's quite
40:29interesting which is after all our business yeah ants are contemporaneous with dinosaurs but
40:34cockroaches predate them by at least 55 million years and spiders we remember 300 million years ago if
40:40this spider's first what did it catch damn that's good they're flies but not cockroaches yeah the fly
40:50was the fly which came first the spider or the fly is a really good question sometimes out of
40:56i'll listen to this wisdom spills out um no the the dinosaurs later beyond vanity you know uh the late
41:06triassic 230 million years ago to the cretaceous 65 million years ago and mount everest was only 25
41:13million years so it's it's 25 million years younger than the youngest dinosaur with a snubber that looks
41:20like the pictures from the worst spelling book ever there's a dockroach in the corner i saw a binosaur
41:32out out out i'll get out that's very good well well done everybody um the himalayas or himalayas or
41:46himalayas the himalayas have only been around for 40 million years the last dinosaurs died out 25
41:53million years before they were formed and spiders and cockroaches are even older than dinosaurs that's
41:57it for another week so let's have a look at the score showy oh my goodness gracious me we have
42:01a clear
42:02winner with plus four points would you believe Hugh Dennis
42:09also in the black with plus two it's andy hamilton
42:1617 behind with minus 15 phil jupiters
42:24way down with the cockroaches at minus 56 alan davis
42:36hello it's it's farewell from Hugh andy phil alan and myself i'll leave you the story of a couple
42:41who went to the natural history museum and they saw the big dinosaur skeleton there and they asked
42:46the attendant how old it was and he said it's 65 million 14 years and three months old and they
42:53said
42:53well that's amazing is that like carbon dating how can you tell so precisely how old it is he said
42:57no he
42:58said when i first came here they told me it was 65 million years old and i've been here 14
43:02years
43:03thank you good night
43:05thank you good night
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