- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 5th February 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jimmy Carr
Jan Ravens
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jimmy Carr
Jan Ravens
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06Good evening, and welcome to QI, which tonight is a general grab bag of Gs.
00:13Gifts, gags, genetics, jails, and granaries.
00:16So let's open the gifts first, and I have been given the most fantastic presents.
00:21First out of the box, Jimmy Carr.
00:27And Jan Ravens.
00:31But what about Clive Anderson?
00:35And just what I've always wanted, my very own puppy, Alan Davis.
00:42Now, what am I going to get in the buzzer department, I wonder?
00:46Jimmy goes.
00:52Jan goes.
00:53Give me just a little more time.
00:56Clive goes.
00:58Give me, give me, give me a little bit of a window.
01:02And Alan goes.
01:03How much is that in the window?
01:10And here's a gift of a question to start with.
01:12Suppose you want to send a present to someone in the United States of America.
01:16What's the commonest item that is seized by the customs?
01:21Give me all your nothing.
01:23Jim, I'm rather enjoying that.
01:26Mexicans.
01:28That's a reasonable guess.
01:30That's what I'm going to do.
01:31I actually have a bag of items.
01:33Of Mexicans.
01:35Can you pass that to Jimmy and you keep one for yourself?
01:38And vice versa.
01:39A bag of...
01:40You know what I mean.
01:40What's in the bag?
01:41Well, that's what you have to see.
01:42These are all items that may or may not be banned by American customs if you try to cross the
01:48border with them.
01:49Chopped pork and ham.
01:51Money.
01:51Dirty handkerchiefs.
01:53Dirty handkerchiefs.
01:54There's some seeds and a lottery ticket.
01:55Oh, a cigar.
01:56Well, money.
01:57Seeds, I bet you're not allowed to have seeds.
01:59In fact, you're not allowed to have anything that you've got there.
02:02But one of the...
02:03Is the most confiscated...
02:05I definitely...
02:06I've been to America and I definitely remember wearing shoes.
02:09So, I'm not sure if that's...
02:11It's a shoe that's been to a farm lately in the last month.
02:14It's got soil on it.
02:15Yes.
02:16Is this because of Cuba?
02:18Exactly right.
02:19That is a Cuban cigar and all Cuban...
02:21Is this just indicating if you've got flu or a disease, you can't go in, then you're blowing into a
02:24hanker?
02:25If you've got a hanker, there's covered in any amount of human disjector, any fluids.
02:30And is money too obvious is the most obvious one that...
02:33Well, it's actually not real money.
02:34That's counterfeit money, you may notice.
02:36But I'm going to go shoes.
02:38Shoes?
02:39Lottery tickets.
02:40Who tries to...
02:40Lottery tickets.
02:41How tries to import lottery tickets?
02:43I don't know, but you can go to prison for two years for bringing in lottery tickets.
02:46Well, it's worth it.
02:47It's a £10 million prize.
02:48It's a £10 million prize.
02:50So, anyway, which do you think is the item most...
02:53Hessian bags.
02:54Hessian bags are also illegal.
02:56You're right.
02:56The bag itself can't be...
02:57It's very bad at a hemp.
02:58You get an extra point for that.
03:00It is actually rhymes with tinder egg.
03:04Tinder egg.
03:05Tinder egg.
03:05The egg with the secret surprise in it.
03:07Is it because you can very easily open them and then fill them with heroin?
03:11No, because it poses...
03:13And a child may easily choke on the smaller parts.
03:16Exactly.
03:16Or in that poetic phrase, it poses a choking and has...
03:19Oh, and it's happening now.
03:20It's happening now.
03:21Oh, no!
03:22Quick, get a medical...
03:23That is a cream egg.
03:24Yeah, it's a cream egg.
03:27It's a bit tidy up time now.
03:28You can tidy up.
03:29Thank you very much.
03:30Tidy up time now.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Well, the fact is, there is the surprise toy egg, which is the most confiscated item.
03:37And all imports from Cuba.
03:39The bizarre thing is, for 17 years in a row, the United Nations has deemed what illegal?
03:45The United States boycott, is it?
03:46Yes.
03:46The United States boycott on all things Cuban has, for 17 years in a row, been deemed illegal by all
03:52United Nations countries, except Israel, no, Israel and the Pacific state of Palau.
03:59It's quite a unanimous voice for the United Nations.
04:01Have you been to Cuba in one of your many journeys?
04:03Sadly not.
04:04I haven't.
04:04You can, in fact, get a flight from Miami.
04:06They say there are people, but you can.
04:08And a lot of people do it.
04:09And they have huge restrictions on what you can take in there.
04:12So everybody goes in these huge numbers of coats, because they're visiting their friends.
04:16And they want to give them stuff.
04:18So they all have five hats on, six coats.
04:20Those loads of trolls in tropical weather.
04:22Yes.
04:23And they look like some Michelin men.
04:24And I was, you know, I was the only one there not overdressed for once.
04:28And are you thinking cheapskate?
04:31No mates.
04:32One coat.
04:32Yes, exactly.
04:34Do you know what's happened in terms of legality to the famed Academy Awards goodie bag as well?
04:40Well, you've probably been to them.
04:41You get a big bag of stuff when you go to the Oscars.
04:44If you're a nominee or a nomin...
04:45It's so valuable now.
04:46You can't take it out of the country.
04:47Is that what it is?
04:48No, it's not.
04:49It's that you have to declare it against tax.
04:51Oh, really?
04:52Yeah.
04:52Because the 2008 goodie bags were worth 57,000 pounds.
04:56Holy smokes.
04:56That's just a goodie bag.
04:57Oh, delightful.
04:58Yeah.
04:58No.
04:58The contents of the 2008 goodie bag for the Oscars was a 15,000 pound holiday, an espresso machine,
05:05cashmere blanket worth 855 pounds.
05:08I hope it was tartan.
05:09It's cashmere check.
05:11It's a cashmere check.
05:13It's a white gold pearl and diamond pendant worth 740 pounds.
05:17Actually, that is disgusting.
05:18That's truly disgusting what you've just realised.
05:20Is it?
05:21It should be brought over here and distribute the BAFTAs.
05:23Yes, the bore of, you know, we get a lollipop.
05:29You actually do get a lollipop.
05:30You get a tic-tacs.
05:33You used to at the Comedy Awards, didn't you?
05:35You have sort of bowls of minstrels.
05:37Huge amounts of alcohol and very little food.
05:40Oh, and they've all got drunk.
05:41How did that happen?
05:43Somebody said something controversial.
05:44It's not that we planned it on it.
05:47Dogs are yummy.
05:48Can we just find out, because you know everything, Stephen,
05:51what happens to all the Swiss Army pen knives
05:53and nail clippers and things,
05:54which are confiscated in the airport when you go in?
05:57Huge piles of them, but confiscated.
05:58What happens to them?
05:59Are they giving it away to charity?
06:01You know when you lose your hair gel or whatever,
06:03they pinch off you and you've forgotten to put it in your thing?
06:05On your way out of the airport,
06:07when you leave, you should get to take something.
06:31They burn, of course, the contraband cigars, one by one, quite slowly.
06:37I'll tell you bizarrely, what is legal to import
06:41is what Americans call a switchblade,
06:43we call a flick knife,
06:44but only if you can satisfy one condition.
06:47Only one type of person is allowed to...
06:49It's a fisherman, isn't it?
06:50No.
06:51Teddy boy.
06:52Oh, a gang member.
06:53No, think about what distinguishes a switchblade
06:56or flick knife from any other kind of knife.
06:58You've got a one-armed person.
06:59Oh, you've got a good brain, kind of answer.
07:02You're absolutely right.
07:02So if you got caught with a switchblade
07:04and you're worried about getting into trouble,
07:05because you're on your arm.
07:08Exactly.
07:09There you got it.
07:10There you are.
07:11And put it in your hand luggage.
07:12Yes, exactly.
07:13With reattaching light.
07:14But fishing is supposed to use them sensitively,
07:17because when you're catching a fish,
07:18you have to get a knife to cut the line or something.
07:20That was always a justification.
07:22Yes.
07:22The fence we always used to use.
07:25Anyway, chocolate eggs with toys in
07:27are the commonest items seized by the US customs,
07:30followed by Cuban cigars.
07:31But what happened to the box of chocolates
07:32that Gordon Brown gave to George W. Bush?
07:36Give me, give me, give me.
07:38Presumably, they just chucked it away.
07:39You're absolutely right.
07:41Under Secret Service rules,
07:43any gift of food or drink
07:44are destroyed upon receipt,
07:46no matter who gives them.
07:48So in front of you...
07:51Gordon Brown gave a 150-pound box
07:54of Charbonnelli Walker chocolates.
07:56Money well spent.
07:57Yeah, thanks for that.
07:58The Qatari PM gave a 650-pound box
08:00of chocolate and fruit,
08:01an assortment of nut pasties
08:03from the Iraqi president,
08:04and three pounds' worth of live shamrocks
08:06from Bertie Ahern
08:07to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
08:09We're all destroyed.
08:10So why did he give them the chocolates
08:12on that simple?
08:12Well, we actually called Downing Street to ask.
08:15We said,
08:16come on, surely you knew the rules.
08:17They did not favour us with a reply.
08:20Do you know what Gordon Brown's
08:22present to Obama was?
08:24It was an inedible ornamental penholder,
08:27but it was made from the timbers
08:29of a Victorian anti-slaver
08:32called the HMS Gannett,
08:34and he received in return
08:35a slightly less historic name.
08:39I know what it is,
08:40because this was a report at the time,
08:42wasn't it?
08:42I'm going to be very ironic.
08:43DVDs of films.
08:44DVDs of films.
08:4525 American classics DVDs.
08:47Did Obama give him a copy
08:48of Naylin Palin?
08:49I don't know exactly.
08:51Naylin Palin.
08:52Naylin Palin was a film
08:54made last year
08:56about...
08:56Oh, a porn movie.
08:58Well, not a porn.
08:59No?
08:59Porn's a very subjective term.
09:01Gentleman's Special Interest.
09:02Gentleman's Special Interest.
09:04The film's very good.
09:06Is it?
09:06Was she actually in it,
09:07or was it someone...
09:08A looky-likey.
09:09It's a looky-likey,
09:10but it'll do.
09:12Delighted to hear it.
09:13Well, well.
09:14So what was the classic
09:15he gave him to...
09:1625...
09:17Well, there's people speculated
09:18there may have been region one
09:19in which case, of course,
09:20he couldn't have watched him
09:21on a...
09:22unless he had a hatched DVD player.
09:24He was not going to watch it anyway.
09:25He was getting other presents there.
09:26No, it's had the eyes taken out of it,
09:28so...
09:29It's not choking.
09:30I do.
09:31Why don't they give each other
09:32these presents?
09:33Because if they're too expensive,
09:34they can't get them.
09:34Roll it at all.
09:35Yeah.
09:36Yes.
09:37That's the answer.
09:38Why don't they just agree
09:39to give something to charity?
09:40They could just say,
09:40we're not giving presents this trip.
09:42I'm planting a tree.
09:43Yes, good idea.
09:44Because that's the most annoying
09:45thing in the world.
09:46Have you ever had that
09:47as a present from a friend?
09:48I had that.
09:48Someone adopted
09:50some sort of panda for me.
09:51I'd rather the CD.
09:52Thanks very much.
09:55I don't want a star.
09:57I'm already a star, you say.
10:01And then they're sick.
10:02Also, when you adopt a panda,
10:04I worry, well,
10:04if the people looking after the panda,
10:05if anything happens to them,
10:06is it my responsibility?
10:08Because they come and live with me,
10:09and it looks like
10:10I've already been hitting it.
10:15You're silly.
10:17Now, all food gifts
10:18to the President of the United States
10:19are automatically destroyed
10:21by burning.
10:21Speaking of worthless gifts,
10:23name and shame,
10:24the world's cheapest cheapskate.
10:27Oh, yeah.
10:29Was it Diogenes the Cynic?
10:31Wow.
10:32Oh, you've seen this show before, haven't you?
10:35Well, oh, yes.
10:36I think it's slightly aroused.
10:45Well, Diogenes the Cynic
10:47was a famous cheapskate
10:48in the ancient world,
10:49and he lived in a barrel.
10:51He did.
10:51And he eschewed
10:52material possessions
10:54apart from a loincloth
10:56and a little bowl
10:57so he could drink water.
10:59And then apparently
10:59he saw a little boy
11:01drinking water from the river
11:03just with his hands,
11:04and so he eschewed the bowl as well,
11:06leaving him with just the loincloth
11:08and the barrel.
11:09Very good answer.
11:10It's a good human answer,
11:12but there's...
11:13Are we still looking for somebody else?
11:14An animal answer.
11:15Tight-fisted animal.
11:16There's a species of insect
11:18that gives gifts.
11:20Oh, yes.
11:20Because that's our theme, really, gifts.
11:21Oh, the sort of male gives a gift
11:22to the female to order...
11:23Yeah, in order to...
11:25To mate.
11:25To mate, yes.
11:26Yeah, and it's particularly prevalent
11:28amongst males who are afraid
11:30of being eaten by their mates.
11:31Oh, things like...
11:32To distract them.
11:33Praying mantises and things like that.
11:34Yeah, insects and flies
11:35of various kinds.
11:36The black widow spider.
11:37The spider famously does that,
11:38hence the name, obviously,
11:39the black widow,
11:40because it eats...
11:40Terribly exciting,
11:41the erotic, isn't it?
11:42The idea that you've got
11:43this huge female
11:44you're trying to have sex with,
11:45you give her a gift,
11:45and if it's the wrong gift,
11:46she'll eat you.
11:48Ultimate, isn't it?
11:49Well, you must not feel like that
11:50in your collection.
11:51Yeah, no, you get that with sort of,
11:52you know, you brought back KFCs,
11:53you go, no, I wanted Nandos.
11:56You're out.
11:57Yeah.
11:57Well, there are these flies
11:58called the dance flies,
12:00and they are often...
12:01The gift is wrapped in silk
12:02or in a balloon
12:03formed from the male's
12:05anal secretions.
12:06I'm sorry, but it's...
12:07That's just what I wanted, darling.
12:10There is a species
12:11called Ramphamia sulcata,
12:15which captures an insect,
12:17sucks out its innards completely,
12:19and then wraps the empty shell
12:21in silk,
12:21and then gives it to the female.
12:23By the time the female's unwrapped it
12:24to discover that, as it were,
12:25her box of chocolates is empty,
12:27he's already mated her
12:28and scarpered.
12:29Yes.
12:30So, don't try this at home.
12:32I have a very good tip.
12:34Yeah.
12:35So that,
12:35here's your box of chocolates.
12:36We reckon that was possibly
12:38the greatest cheapskate
12:39in the animal kingdom.
12:40I heard a great story recently
12:42about someone being on a date
12:43with a guy,
12:43and he leaned over to her plate,
12:45took a massive bit of her food,
12:47and without saying anything,
12:48and ate it,
12:48did it again like 30 seconds later,
12:50did it again for the third time,
12:51and all she said was,
12:52what are you doing?
12:54And he said,
12:54I'm paying for it, aren't I?
12:59Wow.
13:00Magnificently cheap-sing.
13:01There are so many levels
13:02that it's just,
13:03wow.
13:04Staggering.
13:04Anyway,
13:05so there you are,
13:05that's that particular dancefly.
13:07There are others who do strange things.
13:09There are some insects,
13:10male insect,
13:11pretends to be female,
13:13so that another male
13:14gives it a present,
13:15which it then steals,
13:17and then gives to another female.
13:19So,
13:19the male dancefly
13:20is probably the cheapest cheapskate
13:22we know of.
13:22Now,
13:23what would you call someone
13:23who never laughs?
13:25That bloke.
13:28You're right.
13:30He hasn't cracked a smile
13:31all evening,
13:31has he?
13:32He might be dead.
13:32Nudge him.
13:33Yeah.
13:36Are we looking for a psychophobia word?
13:38Yeah,
13:39agelastic,
13:39meaning that they don't laugh,
13:40and there are people
13:41who don't have it,
13:42who,
13:42it seems,
13:43have no sense of humor.
13:44They can't laugh.
13:45Well,
13:45who knows?
13:46I mean,
13:46there's a sort of epilepsy
13:47where you,
13:48a lot,
13:50which is an unusual affect.
13:58I've got an interesting
13:59sort of Greek-type word
14:00for something
14:00that I do sometimes
14:01where I can't help
14:03the sort of urge
14:04to do an impression
14:05of somebody.
14:06And sometimes
14:07if somebody's got like
14:08a limp
14:09or a bit of a funny walk,
14:10I kind of want to
14:11go along with it,
14:12which is a terrible
14:13thing to do.
14:14And apparently,
14:14when you do this thing
14:15of wanting to take on
14:16somebody's limp
14:17in an inappropriate way,
14:18it's called echopraxia.
14:20And if you do it
14:22with words,
14:23we're trying to
14:23imitate a person
14:24sort of verbally,
14:25it's echolalia.
14:27That's great, isn't it?
14:28Points.
14:29Points.
14:34I think,
14:35if I'm not mistaken,
14:36it's called
14:36taking a piss as well.
14:39Yeah.
14:40It almost defines
14:40being a human,
14:41doesn't it?
14:42Laughter.
14:42Because animals
14:42don't laugh.
14:43They don't have
14:44that capacity
14:44to put the two
14:46things together.
14:46It's very social
14:47as well.
14:47It's very social.
14:48People tend not
14:48to laugh on their own.
14:49Even watching a show
14:50as hilarious as this,
14:52at home on your own
14:53you won't laugh
14:54in the same way
14:54as the studio audience.
14:55It's why people
14:56often think it's
14:56sort of canned laughter
14:57rather than
14:57you are genuinely
14:58laughing at bits.
14:59Well,
14:59there's nobody here.
15:01Because it's a very
15:02social thing.
15:03You're showing someone
15:03else that you get
15:04the thing
15:04and you understand.
15:06Absolutely,
15:06it is a communal thing.
15:07There are people
15:08in history
15:08who are said to be
15:09age-elastic,
15:10including Isaac Newton
15:11who was supposed
15:12to have laughed
15:12once in his life.
15:13Someone asked him
15:17what was the point
15:18of studying Euclid
15:19and he burst out
15:19laughing at that.
15:20That is a good one.
15:21That is a good one.
15:23What is he like?
15:25According to Marshal Zhukov,
15:27Stalin next door,
15:28he didn't laugh.
15:30I'm amazed at that.
15:31He seems such a
15:31chirpy cat.
15:34You probably spotted
15:35Jonathan Swift
15:36and William Ewert
15:38Gladstone.
15:39Jonathan's worth
15:39a very funny writer.
15:40Lots of comedians
15:42don't laugh.
15:43You know,
15:43lots of comedians
15:44are quite miserable
15:44in real life,
15:45aren't they?
15:46Not us,
15:46obviously.
15:47The bloke on the left
15:48and the bloke in the middle
15:49are the same.
15:52On the left,
15:53he's been on the dial.
15:55That's an advert
15:55for the Ching Jim.
15:57Yeah.
16:00But one on the left
16:00is Isaac Newton.
16:01That's Newton,
16:02right.
16:02And the one in the middle
16:03is Jonathan Swift.
16:04Trollope,
16:05on the other hand,
16:06Anthony Trollope.
16:06Couldn't stop laughing.
16:07Yeah,
16:08he died giggling.
16:08Apparently,
16:09he laughed a lot.
16:10Didn't he work
16:10in the post office?
16:11That's probably what he did.
16:12He did.
16:12He went postal.
16:14He invented the post box.
16:15Yes.
16:16And lived to regret it,
16:17actually.
16:17Because once he was in,
16:18he couldn't get out.
16:22He was sorry
16:22for a very odd reason,
16:23actually.
16:24He was very old-fashioned
16:25about what women
16:25should and shouldn't do.
16:26And what he hadn't predicted
16:28was what the post office
16:28would suddenly allow women
16:30to communicate
16:31with anyone freely.
16:33Because before the post box,
16:35they would have to go
16:36to their father
16:37or a servant
16:38who would put the stamp on
16:40and it would be taken.
16:41And suddenly,
16:42they were able
16:42to send their own letters
16:43and have relationships
16:45without their parents' consent.
16:47And he presented this.
16:48What has he done?
16:49It is a law of unintended consequences.
16:51Exactly.
16:52Bizarre thought.
16:53Anyway,
16:53quite relevant.
16:54There are theories of laughter.
16:55There's the superiority theory,
16:57which are the sudden glory
16:58we feel when we see someone suffer.
17:00It's very simple,
17:01the superiority theory,
17:02but a lot of people
17:02don't understand it.
17:04Very good.
17:05There's the incongruity theory.
17:07It rises when the decorous
17:08and logical
17:09abruptly dissolves
17:10into the low and absurd.
17:11We wouldn't farting well
17:13want that.
17:15For example.
17:16Not that I would say that.
17:17The relief theory,
17:18which is Freud,
17:19the naughtiness of the joke
17:20liberates the laughter
17:20from inhibitions
17:21about forbidden thoughts
17:22and feelings.
17:23That's watching Jackass
17:24for me, Adam.
17:25Yeah.
17:26You've written a book
17:27about it.
17:27What was the naked jake?
17:28The naked jake?
17:29I wrote a book
17:29with my friend Lucy
17:30about jokes.
17:31Did you come to a theory
17:32about...
17:33No, I mean,
17:34they are all...
17:34You can analyse...
17:35There's all these
17:36different sort of theories
17:36from around the world
17:37and they're all
17:38pretty much nonsense.
17:39They all work
17:40in exactly the same way
17:40though.
17:41All jokes are sort of
17:42two stories.
17:43So the first story
17:44makes you make an assumption
17:44and then the second story
17:46makes you realise
17:47that the assumption
17:48was erroneous.
17:48I like the one
17:49where the Englishman,
17:50the Scotsman,
17:50the Irishman go into a pub
17:52and the barman says,
17:53what is this,
17:53some kind of joke?
17:56A sort of
17:57omit a joke.
17:58Yeah.
17:59When I tell them
17:59I wanted to be comedian,
18:00they laughed.
18:01Well, they're not laughing now.
18:05That's Monkhouse.
18:06Bob Monkhouse, yeah.
18:07But it's hard
18:08when you're writing
18:08about comedy
18:09to make it funny as well.
18:10Did you...
18:11Were you trying to be funny
18:12as you went along?
18:13Or did you just...
18:13In the end,
18:14we just had to put a joke
18:14on every page
18:15because some of it's
18:16a bit sort of more complicated
18:17and there's a great quote
18:18about analysing jokes
18:19as like dissecting a frog.
18:20No one's that interested
18:21and the frog dies.
18:22Yes.
18:24It's killing up the roots
18:25of a plant
18:26and look at how it works.
18:27Yeah.
18:27And killing it as you do it.
18:29Exactly.
18:29Anyway,
18:30age-elasts are people
18:31who don't laugh at gags.
18:34And now,
18:35answer me this.
18:35Who is responsible
18:37for the oldest joke
18:38in the world?
18:39Just a little more time!
18:41Yeah.
18:43Well,
18:43I don't know
18:44who was responsible
18:45for the oldest joke
18:45in the world
18:45but I can tell you
18:47something quite interesting
18:48about who was the subject
18:49of the first impression
18:50recorded in the world
18:52which was Socrates
18:55in a play by Aristophanes
18:57called The Clouds
18:58and the interesting thing
19:00about it
19:01was that this portrayal
19:02resulted in him
19:03being put on trial
19:04about 20 years later
19:05and put to death
19:06for being a corrupt of youth.
19:09And who so on?
19:09They used the impression
19:11of him in the play
19:12as a kind of...
19:12As evidence
19:13in this trial.
19:14So, you know,
19:14David Steele
19:15complains about
19:16his spitting image puppet
19:17ruining his political career,
19:18you know,
19:19or whatever.
19:20But yeah,
19:20the first ever
19:21recorded impression
19:22because I was sort of,
19:23I was doing the show
19:25about impressions
19:25many years ago now
19:26and trying to sort of
19:28find out
19:28were there impressions
19:29sort of around
19:30before, you know,
19:31recorded media?
19:33Exactly.
19:33Was there enough
19:34widely recognized characters
19:36but in Greek,
19:37in Athens,
19:38everybody was a citizen
19:39and everybody knew
19:40everybody else,
19:41characters like Socrates
19:42would be very widely recognized.
19:44Whereas presumably
19:44in the 19th century
19:45you couldn't do,
19:46you know,
19:46Disraeli or Gladstone
19:48because there's
19:49too big a population
19:49and too few people
19:50would have ever heard them
19:51speak to know
19:52whether it was actually...
19:52I was told that
19:53at the Establishment Club
19:54they did the first ever
19:55when Harold Macmillan
19:56went down to see Peter Cook.
19:57It was not at the Establishment Club,
19:59it was on the Fortune Theatre.
20:00Yeah.
20:01What happened was
20:01that Peter Cook
20:03did a very famous...
20:04It was the first time
20:05a Prime Minister
20:05had really been done.
20:06It was of super...
20:07Four minutes more.
20:08Some of our people
20:09couldn't run a fire at that time.
20:11He talked about how
20:13he went to see the German
20:15Chancellor
20:16here and there
20:18and how Britain can act
20:21as an honest broker
20:22in the world.
20:23Certainly no nation
20:24is more honest
20:25and it's certain also
20:26that no nation is broker.
20:29Well, someone said to me
20:30that it was illegal
20:30to impersonate a real person.
20:32You couldn't do an impression
20:33of someone that was...
20:34It was.
20:36There was a fellow
20:37called the Lord Chamberlain
20:38whose job was to censor plays.
20:40And that, actually,
20:41that act was the fault
20:42of impressionists.
20:44Really?
20:44Because Robert Walpole
20:45in 1737
20:46who set it up,
20:48he was fed up
20:50with having the mickey
20:50taken out of him
20:51by all these satirical
20:52playwrights
20:52like Fielding
20:53and Congrave.
20:54So he set up
20:55the Lord Chamberlain's act
20:56in order that they
20:56couldn't take their mickey
20:57out of him any longer.
20:58All that time to go
20:59and then it didn't get repealed.
21:00Club in places like that
21:01because you didn't have
21:02to submit your script
21:03to the Lord Chamberlain
21:04because it was
21:04a private members' club.
21:05So that's how they...
21:06And I think it latterly
21:07it became like
21:07the living monarch
21:08rather than...
21:09I mean, politicians
21:10it sort of...
21:10And you would never
21:11do the living monarch,
21:12would you?
21:12No, I never would, no.
21:15A million years.
21:18Well, these are all
21:19excellent.
21:20I mean,
21:20there are records of jokes.
21:21There's one here
21:22which is pretty old
21:24Greek joke.
21:25There was an
21:26absent-minded professor
21:27who were on a sea voyage
21:28when a storm blows up
21:29and his slaves
21:30are weeping in terror
21:31at the storm
21:32and he says,
21:32don't cry,
21:33I have freed you all
21:34in my will.
21:35That's a joke.
21:36That's a slave-related humor there.
21:39But see,
21:40the Abderites
21:41were the characters
21:42who were stereotyped
21:43as incredibly stupid
21:44and it's a really
21:45frustrating joke.
21:46It's joke 114
21:47in the Philodulos,
21:48the joke book,
21:49an ancient joke book.
21:51This Abderite
21:52asks a eunuch
21:53how many children
21:54he has, you see?
21:55And the eunuch goes,
21:56duh, I'm right,
21:57none,
21:57I'm a eunuch.
21:58So the Abderite says
22:00and the fragment
22:02is missing
22:02so we don't have
22:03the punchline.
22:05So I'm inviting you
22:07to provide the punchline.
22:08Okay,
22:09how many children
22:09have you got?
22:10Eunuch.
22:11And the eunuch says,
22:11I don't have any,
22:12I'm a eunuch.
22:12And the Abderite
22:13who's thick says,
22:14how many grandchildren
22:15then?
22:15Oh, very good.
22:16Oh, excellent.
22:18Oh, yeah.
22:18But it's possible.
22:20How possible, game?
22:21I ain't working
22:22with old material.
22:23The oldest joke,
22:24when I was researching
22:25the book,
22:25the oldest joke,
22:26I found that still
22:27sort of works
22:28and was recognisable
22:29and I've seen
22:29performed on stage.
22:30It was an old
22:31Greek joke
22:32and it was
22:32a barber says to a man,
22:34how do you want
22:35your hair cut?
22:35And the man says,
22:37in silence.
22:40It's still kind of,
22:41it's still a recognisable joke
22:42but that's an old one.
22:43Well, there's an eunuch
22:43there's a much older one.
22:44There's a Sumerian one
22:46which is from 1900 BC
22:48which is really pretty old
22:49which is a saying
22:50that something
22:50that has never occurred
22:52since time immemorial
22:53a young woman
22:54did not fart
22:55in her husband's lap.
22:59Don't open with it,
23:00Stephen,
23:01don't open with it.
23:02You can work it
23:03into the sex on it.
23:04I'm a memorial
23:05and those days
23:05it's just like
23:06week last Tuesday.
23:07Yeah, well,
23:09or one of the
23:10oldest English ones
23:10is what is the
23:11most cleanliest leaf
23:12amongst all other leaves?
23:14It's holly leaves
23:15for no one
23:16will wipe their arse
23:17with them.
23:18So, as you see,
23:20Humor was
23:20in those days
23:21seemed to be obsessed
23:22with farts and bottoms.
23:23Yes, we've moved on
23:24from there.
23:25Oh, thank you.
23:26Yeah.
23:27You're farting in the lap.
23:28I don't know this.
23:30I don't.
23:31I don't know I'm doing it.
23:32For the first time
23:33a young woman
23:34did not fart enough.
23:35So, women probably
23:36weren't allowed
23:36to have chairs
23:37in that day.
23:38There weren't enough chairs.
23:40Chairs are expensive.
23:41Only the man
23:41would have a chair.
23:42The woman would be
23:42on his lap
23:43and would fart.
23:43All the time.
23:44And once there was a
23:45woman who didn't
23:46and that was worthy
23:47of report.
23:47He hasn't farted.
23:51It's a very interesting joke.
23:53Anyway, but here is a good gag.
23:55What sort of person
23:55wears one of these?
23:59Lord.
24:00You can try it on yourself
24:01if you like.
24:01Oh, this is a good idea.
24:03It's got a little...
24:05Oh, what is that?
24:05Sound of polystyrene.
24:06Yeah, I know.
24:08There you are.
24:09Sorry.
24:09It is, isn't it?
24:10It's some...
24:11Oh, this is a tongue thing.
24:13Yeah?
24:13This is the stop...
24:15I can't remember what it's called.
24:16They've got one of these
24:17in the Museum of Torture
24:18down near where the clink is.
24:20You could open the side
24:22somehow as well.
24:22So that bit goes
24:23in the mouth.
24:24It stops the lady talking.
24:27I can't remember
24:27what they're called.
24:28That's it.
24:29Does the word pony boy
24:29come in this answer?
24:30I don't know.
24:31Pony boy?
24:32Yes.
24:33Excuse me.
24:34That's it.
24:35Oh, I say it fits you
24:36rather well.
24:40Oh, and it's got stuck.
24:41It sounded like
24:42you're having an idea then.
24:47Quite disconcerting.
24:49Giddy up.
24:50Giddy up.
24:51You'll be a port there.
24:53I don't know.
24:53What's it?
24:55I've been scrubbed
24:56and brought to my room.
24:59Actually, don't bother
25:00to have him scrubbed.
25:05Is that called?
25:06Anybody know?
25:07A quick,
25:08a wicked creagle.
25:10So close.
25:11A wicked cre...
25:12I'll go with the answer.
25:13I can't talk.
25:15What's the answer, Alan?
25:18Let's do the letters.
25:19One for yes.
25:20Is it A?
25:21Uh-uh.
25:24Is it a device used for pigs
25:26when they're constipated?
25:27I'm pretty sure that's one of those, isn't it?
25:32Sorry, Alan, I probably should have said before.
25:35What they do is they strap it on and they ram it home.
25:39So it's a sort of chastity belt for the face.
25:41Yeah, it's known as a scold's bridle.
25:45Scold's bridle.
25:46That's it.
25:47Oh, so she's being ducked in the river or something like that?
26:04Get me off the cuckoo, you still want to come up.
26:08So who had to wear one of these,
26:09other than why?
26:10Oh, well, nagging, malicious, spiteful, gossipy women.
26:13The male equivalent of scolding and gossiping is barretry,
26:17and a barretter was a male equivalent.
26:19But oddly enough,
26:20there are no real records of these being used.
26:22There are 50 of them in Britain at the moment.
26:25This is the replica of one that comes from Walton-on-Thames.
26:27Oh, there are more of them there.
26:29Look at that.
26:29Extraordinary.
26:30One's being made to look like a dog as well,
26:31just as a sort of an additional punishment.
26:34Yeah, that second one's not very practical, is it?
26:36Is that sticking out the front or the back of the head?
26:37What's going on there?
26:39It's not the front so she can breathe.
26:40That's the male version.
26:41That's the beard.
26:42You can see the beard.
26:43That must be a barretter.
26:45There you are.
26:46So, for a bit of fun with genetics now,
26:48what do you get if you cross a caterpillar with a butterfly?
26:51Oh.
26:51A butterfly.
26:53Oh!
27:00Can I just cataply?
27:03Oh!
27:08I feel like a fool.
27:12I'm reading a book at the moment
27:14and I haven't finished it
27:14about a very, very hungry catapult.
27:16Yes.
27:20I kind of think I might know where it's going,
27:22but I don't want to spoil it.
27:24So, are you saying there's some species
27:25that reproduces halfway through its life cycle?
27:28No, there is a theory that a man has put forward,
27:30which is that actually they are different species.
27:33I know this sounds insane.
27:35Oh, what he's done there is he's not understood.
27:39Fair enough.
27:40What's happened?
27:41Fair enough, because it is complicated
27:42and you might not...
27:43Was it Alan that put this forward?
27:46I'll tell you his name.
27:47His name is Donald Williamson,
27:48former of the University of Liverpool.
27:49It's called hybridogenesis, apparently.
27:53Now, it does seem pretty off the wall
27:54to say that they're two different species,
27:55but he has some...
27:57That's a fantastic idea, though.
27:58It is an amazing idea.
27:59It wouldn't be the same club or anything to meet.
28:00You know, but sometimes you see an old guy,
28:02like in Saint-Tropez,
28:03with a really beautiful young girl
28:04and you think, well, maybe.
28:05So, it could be a similar thing.
28:06Maybe the caterpillars have had a lot of money.
28:08There's no such thing as an ugly rich bloke.
28:11And Williams, his star witness in this
28:14was at a starfish called Louis de Asasi.
28:16It starts life as a small lava
28:17with a tiny starfish inside.
28:19As the lava grows,
28:20the starfish migrates to the outside
28:22and the lava settles on the seabed
28:23and they separate.
28:24This is normal.
28:25But, in this one,
28:26something remarkable happens.
28:28Instead of degenerating,
28:29the lava swims off
28:30and lives for several months
28:31as an independent animal.
28:33It's as if the caterpillar
28:34and the butterfly
28:35were alive at the same time.
28:36And he reasons,
28:38the point is that
28:38for millions and upon millions of years,
28:41particularly in the sea,
28:42sperm and seed have been mixed
28:44of hundreds of thousands,
28:45if not millions,
28:46of different species.
28:47And just once,
28:48every million of years,
28:49they happen to create
28:51a double species.
28:52He thinks it's not impossible.
28:54We're not sure whether we believe it.
28:55We're intrigued by its possibilities.
28:56There are other candidates
28:57for hybridogenesis,
28:59such as the tadpole
28:59and the frog.
29:00But why did Luigi from Bologna
29:03galvanize his frogs?
29:06We've had a clue from this already.
29:08Jimmy mentioned this.
29:09He invented the idea
29:10of putting electricity
29:11through frogs.
29:12Luigi did.
29:12Do you know what his surname was?
29:13But it's something like Galvin.
29:15I think it's a Galvin
29:16or what's some Italian...
29:18Galvani.
29:18Galvani.
29:19Hence...
29:20Galvanization.
29:21Galvanizing, exactly.
29:22And his nephew,
29:23who was a star pupil of his,
29:25came over to England
29:26and demonstrated
29:27all around Europe
29:28and amazed the Britons
29:29with his thing.
29:30He took,
29:30particularly,
29:31the Royal College of Surgeons
29:32by storm in 1803
29:33when he convulsed
29:35the body of a murderer
29:36called George Foster.
29:37It's rather bizarre.
29:38Sorry, he did what?
29:39Convulsed with electricity,
29:41the dead body of a murderer.
29:42that sparks into life again.
29:44Yeah, he'd just been hanged.
29:45The result was
29:46very dramatic.
29:46That was Britain's Got Talent
29:47what year?
29:49That is a hell of an act,
29:50isn't it?
29:51It is a bit of an act.
29:51Even Piers Morgan's
29:52going to like that.
29:53The rods replied
29:54to Foster's mouth and ear
29:55and the jaw began to quiver
29:56and one eye opened
29:58and when a rod was moved
29:59to touch the rectum,
30:00the whole body convulsed
30:01so as to almost give
30:02an appearance
30:04Well, it would,
30:04wouldn't it?
30:07It made a strong impression
30:08on the minds of scientists.
30:09Of course it is!
30:11Why a murderer?
30:12I've got a murderer here,
30:13we're going to bring him
30:14back to life.
30:15But electricity through anyone.
30:16Sorry.
30:17Well, that's it.
30:17You see, the point is...
30:19It shows the nerves
30:19use electricity to work.
30:21Yeah, well, people
30:21previously thought
30:22it was like a sort of
30:23pneumatic power
30:23but also,
30:24we know that Mary Shelley
30:25read about this.
30:26Ah.
30:27And so this idea
30:28that electricity
30:28was the life force,
30:29the thing that gave us life
30:31was electricity
30:31and she, of course,
30:32wrote Frankenstein.
30:34Which, oddly enough,
30:35doesn't use electricity to.
30:36It does in the films there,
30:37doesn't it?
30:37It does in all the films.
30:38It's a very weird book.
30:39And this murder guy,
30:40did he get...
30:41Sorry to go back to him,
30:42but did they ask his permission
30:43before they hanged him?
30:44And do you mind after you,
30:45but we're going to make you
30:46a bit of an exhibit
30:46over here with this?
30:47Sadly, I fear not.
30:49He didn't have a donor card.
30:50Worrying me.
30:51He might have got a bit of
30:51a lesser sentence
30:53as a result.
30:55It will hang you
30:56slightly quicker.
30:58But galvanized iron
30:59and a galvanized bucket,
31:01how does that work?
31:01You must run electricity
31:02through it
31:03so it attracts other metals
31:04like aluminium
31:05or something to sort of...
31:06You'd think,
31:07but I don't think that's...
31:07How do buckets work?
31:08You put stuff in...
31:08No, how do galvanized buckets?
31:10In the same way,
31:11you just put stuff in them.
31:11No, it's coated with zinc
31:13which resists corrosion
31:14and in fact it's not...
31:15Nothing to do with that.
31:16Nothing to do.
31:16It's a misnomer entirely.
31:17There you are.
31:18Quite interesting.
31:20Luigi Galvani discovered
31:21that electric shocks
31:21make muscles twitch,
31:22leading people to wonder
31:23whether electricity
31:24might contain the gift of life.
31:26Now to something
31:26completely disconnected.
31:28Where are 1%
31:29of American adults?
31:31Oh, I imagine
31:32we could find out,
31:33couldn't we?
31:33We could use Google Earth
31:34because some of them
31:35are quite big.
31:37There is one.
31:39He's got his own postcode.
31:411% of the population
31:43which is...
31:43What's the population it's about?
31:44About 300 million, isn't it?
31:46So you're talking about
31:46between 2.5 and 3 million, say?
31:49Gail?
31:49Yes.
31:50G for jail.
31:51English spelling of jail,
31:52of course,
31:53but it is G for jail.
31:54Really?
31:54That many people?
31:563 million people
31:57are locked up?
31:57Well, 2.3
31:58which is one in every
31:5999.1 adults.
32:00All of those guys there
32:01are innocent as well
32:02because they all
32:02were arrested
32:03for having switchblades
32:04but they've all
32:04only got one arm.
32:07Well spotted.
32:13Proportionally the Americans
32:14have prisoned
32:15more than twice
32:15as many as South Africans,
32:16more than 3 times
32:17as many as the Iranians,
32:19more than 6 times
32:20as many as the Chinese.
32:21No society in history
32:22has imprisoned
32:23more of its citizens
32:24than the United States
32:25of America.
32:26We're doing pretty well,
32:26though, don't we?
32:27We sort of talk
32:27the European League.
32:28We're also...
32:29We're ahead of China,
32:30Turkey and India.
32:30Yes.
32:31Yeah, with 148 prisoners
32:33per 100,000.
32:34It's the three strikes
32:35and they're out.
32:36That's been the problem,
32:37I mean, a legal system
32:38based on baseball
32:40just seems bizarre.
32:41Yes.
32:42Well, if you don't seem
32:43to understand the law,
32:43it's all very complicated.
32:45What's simple?
32:45What do people like?
32:46Baseball.
32:47Right then.
32:48Here's the rule.
32:49Three strikes and you're out.
32:50Yeah.
32:51What it means is
32:51if the first two strikes,
32:53the first two crimes
32:54you're convicted of
32:55are serious enough,
32:55the third one,
32:56no matter how trivial,
32:58will get a life sentence
32:5925 years or more.
33:00So, for example,
33:01Leandro Andrade
33:02is serving two consecutive
33:0425-year terms
33:05for shoplifting nine videotapes.
33:07He took nine?
33:09Yes.
33:10Kevin Webber,
33:1026 years
33:11for stealing
33:12four chocolate chip cookies.
33:14It's astonishing.
33:15It's really stupid, isn't it?
33:16Because you know
33:17you're on this sort of deal.
33:18Yes.
33:1925?
33:19Yes.
33:20That is the idea.
33:21Do another murder.
33:23Do a bank job.
33:24There's no point in it.
33:25No, that's why
33:26you're doing anything trivial.
33:26You're going to get caught.
33:27It is a bit bonkers.
33:28But the racial numbers
33:29are a bit worrying.
33:30And the gender numbers,
33:31it's one in 30 men
33:32aged 20 to 34
33:34is behind bars.
33:35But for black males,
33:36that's one in nine.
33:38One in nine.
33:39There are more
33:4017-year-old black people
33:41in jail than in college
33:42in America.
33:43So 5% of the world
33:45are American,
33:4525% of all prisoners
33:47are American.
33:47Isn't the real controversy
33:48with this the business
33:49end of it?
33:50Well, that's true.
33:51It's also, as you say,
33:52right, it is a business.
33:53Because it's not just
33:53license plates.
33:54They make loads of stuff.
33:55Well, one of the things
33:56I should have said
33:57when talking about contraband
33:59is that you're not allowed
34:00to bring into America
34:01anything that's been made
34:02by forced labor or prisons.
34:04But in America,
34:05you could almost say,
34:07if you are so minded,
34:09that they've reinvented
34:09the slave trade.
34:10They produce,
34:12for example,
34:13100% of all military helmets,
34:15ammunition belts,
34:16bulletproof vests,
34:17ID tags,
34:17and other items in uniform.
34:1893% of domestically produced paints,
34:2136% of home appliances,
34:2421% of office furniture,
34:25which allows the United States
34:26to compete with factories
34:28in Mexico.
34:28Because, of course,
34:29obviously the workers
34:30can't refuse to work
34:31for 25 cents an hour.
34:32I'd very much like
34:33to say something hilarious,
34:34but something must be done.
34:35It is.
34:35It is.
34:35It is a bit more
34:37question time,
34:38you to say.
34:39It is a bit amazing,
34:40isn't it?
34:41It's extraordinary.
34:42It's slavery by the back door.
34:43It's exactly what it is.
34:44Which is another video
34:45that I've got.
34:53If you're in prison,
34:55is there an incentive
34:56for you to work?
34:56You get solitary confinement
34:57if you refuse to work.
34:59Yeah,
34:59more than one in 100 American adults
35:02are in jail.
35:03But now we're off
35:04to another location,
35:05beginning with G.
35:06Why didn't the Emperor of China
35:08like pigeons?
35:10Pigeon flew into my house today.
35:16This isn't the first time
35:17he was the terracotta army.
35:19He was putting off
35:20the terracotta statues over.
35:21He wouldn't want
35:21the pigeons to come
35:22and do you see last of them?
35:24Did you think
35:24the terracotta army
35:25was a mistake?
35:26Do you think it was?
35:27He said,
35:27I need an army.
35:28He meant the territorial army.
35:32Amongst other gifts
35:33that pigeons have,
35:34one of the best known is?
35:35Message carrying.
35:36Message carrying,
35:36because they can carry
35:38the message.
35:38They can't.
35:39They can't.
35:39They can't.
35:40They can't.
35:40They can't.
35:41Used pigeons,
35:43basically,
35:44against property
35:45of the emperor.
35:46Namely,
35:46his granaries.
35:47He had huge rice granaries
35:49and what these people
35:51would do is
35:51they'd train their pigeons,
35:52hundreds and hundreds of them.
35:53They'd fly to the granaries.
35:55They'd eat all the rice
35:57or as much rice
35:58as they could carry in them
35:59and fly back home.
36:00Then they'd be fed
36:01water and alum,
36:02which would make them
36:03disgorge all the rice.
36:04It should then be washed
36:05and they could get
36:0750 pounds
36:07from every 100 pigeons.
36:0950 pounds of rice.
36:10So couldn't they just eat
36:10the pigeons?
36:11I bet they did that as well.
36:13Yes.
36:13Pigeons are very delicious.
36:14It'd be like stuffed pigeon,
36:15isn't it?
36:16With the sort of risotto
36:17kind of thing.
36:19Only one meal though,
36:20isn't it?
36:21Once you've done
36:22shoot the messenger,
36:23that's it.
36:24That's a pretty
36:25ingenious crime though.
36:26Did they get caught?
36:28I don't know.
36:29I just simply don't know.
36:31I was given
36:32a pair of homing pigeons
36:33and you keep them
36:35for a bit
36:35and then they fly back
36:36to where you bought them from.
36:37It's a brilliant...
36:39It's a brilliant scape.
36:43No worries.
36:44Chinese homing pigeons
36:45were used to steal grain
36:46from the imperial granary.
36:47With 100 pigeons
36:48you could steal
36:4950 pounds of rice a day
36:50and now it gives me
36:51enormous pleasure
36:51to say that it's
36:52general ignorance time
36:53against your fingers
36:53on buzzers if you would.
36:55What mischief
36:55did Cornish wreckers
36:57get up to?
36:58Oh, I imagine it
36:59involved the gene pool,
37:00didn't it?
37:00Just a little more time!
37:03The wreckers lit fires
37:05and lured boats
37:07onto the rocks
37:08by pretending
37:09though,
37:09is that going to be a mermaid?
37:10Oh, dear.
37:12You're all thinking
37:13of mermaids.
37:15It sounded good.
37:16I was totally sold
37:17on that idea.
37:18Well, they did.
37:18That is the myth
37:19but they didn't.
37:20There's no record
37:21of it ever happening.
37:22No contemporary source
37:23mentions the practice
37:24in Cornwall.
37:25There was one accusation
37:26in Anglesey
37:27but that turned out
37:28not to result
37:29of the conviction.
37:29Were people hanged
37:30for this sort of crime?
37:31No, because it didn't,
37:33there's no record of it.
37:33There's only records
37:34of it in novels like?
37:36Jamaica Inn.
37:37Jamaica Inn.
37:38Daphne du Maurier.
37:39Which you know all about
37:40because I happen to know
37:41you won Celebrity Mastermind
37:43and what was
37:44your specialist subject?
37:45It was Daphne du Maurier
37:46curiously, yeah, yeah.
37:48But I'm very surprised
37:49at this actually.
37:50No, it seems
37:50that it was invented
37:51many people believe
37:52by Methodist preachers
37:53who wish to portray
37:54the Cornish
37:55as barbarous people
37:56in need of chapel.
37:57It was taken up
37:58by a Victorian romantic novelist
37:59and Daphne du Maurier
38:00and they all hear her in.
38:00There's stuff you learn
38:02on this programme.
38:02Yeah, and it was repeated
38:03in the history of Cornwall
38:04by the Reverend Sabine
38:05Bearing Gold
38:06who wrote
38:07Onward Christian Soldiers
38:08and was the subject
38:09of a rather strange
38:11typically Victorian story
38:12where he was at
38:12a children's party
38:13and it was a little girl
38:14and he said
38:14and whose little girl are you?
38:16And the little girl
38:17burst into tears
38:17and said
38:18yours daddy.
38:21He did have 15 children
38:22but it's still a bit shocking.
38:23It's nearly as bad
38:25as a comedian
38:26who did an act
38:27and an agent
38:27approached and asked
38:28and said
38:28I think you're very, very good.
38:29Do you have representation?
38:31Who's your agent?
38:32And he said
38:32you are.
38:34Oh!
38:35Oh!
38:36Oh, dear.
38:37Edward James,
38:38the great art collector,
38:39recalled in his autobiography
38:41his mother shouting
38:42one Sunday morning,
38:43Nanny, Nanny,
38:44I'm going to church.
38:45I want one of my daughters
38:46to go with me.
38:47And then he said,
38:48very good, Miss,
38:49Mrs. James,
38:50which one?
38:51He said,
38:51oh, the one with the red hair
38:52I should go with his coat.
38:57There you go.
39:00Anyway,
39:01it seems, sadly,
39:02that wreckers
39:03may have made a living
39:03salvaging stuff
39:04from shipwrecks
39:05but there's no evidence
39:06that they ever deliberately
39:07lured ships
39:07onto the rocks.
39:08How could Archimedes
39:10have moved the earth?
39:14I fear I may say something.
39:15He could have made love
39:16to me like a wild man.
39:21Didn't he say
39:22he just wanted
39:22a fulcrum big enough
39:23and then he could use
39:24a lever to move the earth?
39:26Was that him?
39:27Yeah, I said that.
39:28But he couldn't have done it.
39:30Well, I'm only quoting him.
39:32I'm saying,
39:32well, you didn't say
39:33with a lever.
39:34He said...
39:35It's your best available source.
39:36Surely the best way
39:36to move the earth
39:37is some sort of montage
39:39with a Coldplay song.
39:42Sort of sporting achievements
39:43and then a great,
39:44maybe take that's greatest day.
39:46You'll be saying next
39:47that Archimedes' screw
39:48wasn't up to much either.
39:49I'm sure it was.
39:51No, he did say
39:51Give me a place to stand
39:57and I will move the earth.
39:59That is the point.
39:59He discovered
40:00the power of the lever.
40:01Oh, he was big, wasn't he?
40:02He was a bit big.
40:04One of our elves worked out
40:06that if he weighed
40:07100 kilograms,
40:08which is sort of reasonable,
40:09I suppose,
40:09and he placed his fulcrum
40:11a kilometre away
40:11from the bottom of the earth,
40:12in order to balance the planet,
40:14he would need a lever
40:156.5 billion light years long.
40:19And assuming he could
40:20find the lever
40:20long and stiff enough
40:21and he moved his end
40:22one metre,
40:23the earth would move
40:24by a distance
40:24less than the diameter
40:25of a single proton.
40:26He wasn't to be taken...
40:28You lost me very early on.
40:28He wasn't to be taken...
40:29Literally, Stephen,
40:30for goodness sake.
40:32I'm being penalised
40:33the fact that you're
40:34taking his words
40:34as though he meant it,
40:35he was actually going to do it.
40:37He was merely...
40:37No, but I'm asking
40:38how he could have.
40:39Who's he on the phone to?
40:43Is that new?
40:44Is that new?
40:45This isn't working.
40:47That's Socrates.
40:48I saw a player behind you.
40:50It's lever, isn't it?
40:51It's lever you sold me.
40:54Do we all move the earth
40:55every time we walk around
40:56in a literal sense?
40:58Does it move a little bit?
41:00Well...
41:00Because there's that fact
41:01about if everyone in China
41:02at the same time
41:03jumped up and down,
41:05they'd be livid.
41:06He said,
41:07did you put my toga
41:09in with that red towel?
41:10Yeah.
41:17Now, what if you jump up,
41:18according to Newtonian's
41:20insight,
41:21you could move the earth
41:21by a tiny amount,
41:23but it would move back.
41:24It would cancel itself out
41:25in accordance
41:26with the third law of motion,
41:27so the jumping up and down
41:28thing would cancel itself out,
41:29but in theory, though...
41:30So all that effort
41:31getting everyone in China
41:32to do that,
41:32so a complete waste of time.
41:33It is, unfortunately.
41:34Speaking literally.
41:35It would be fun, though.
41:36Listen to me.
41:37Archimedes would have
41:37moved the earth
41:38more by jumping in the air
41:39and shouting Eureka
41:40than by using a lever.
41:41This is all we have time for
41:42this week,
41:43so it's time to look at the scores.
41:44Oh, my goodness.
41:44Oh, my gracious.
41:45Oh, my good heavens.
41:46Our winner is the first time,
41:48Jan Ravens,
41:49with six points.
41:52Trust it.
41:57And in second place
41:58with minus seven,
41:59Jimmy Carr.
42:05In third place
42:06with minus 14,
42:07Clive Anderson.
42:10Oh, dear.
42:13I'm afraid that means
42:15this week's loser
42:17is Alan with minus 18.
42:27So that's it
42:28from Jan, Jimmy,
42:29Clive, Alan, and me.
42:30And I leave you with this.
42:31The actress,
42:32Tolunabanko,
42:32was in a stall
42:33in the ladies' lavatory
42:34when she heard somebody
42:35leaving the next cubicle
42:36and called out,
42:37Honey, honey,
42:38I got no paper in here.
42:39Can you see
42:39if there's some
42:40in your stall?
42:41And the woman says,
42:42I'm afraid not.
42:43So Tolunabanko says,
42:43Could you check
42:44if by the hand basins
42:45there's some paper towels?
42:47And the woman says,
42:48No, I can't see any there.
42:49And Tolunabanko says,
42:50In that case,
42:50have you got two tens
42:51tens for 20?
42:53Good night.
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