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00:00:00Oh my God!
00:00:05Ow! Ow!
00:00:10What's that?
00:00:13Friggin' Ollie!
00:00:18Oh, don't laugh!
00:00:24Oh, hello!
00:00:27Oi! Saucy!
00:00:28I think I would have chosen a curly whirly, Natty.
00:00:37Oh, Lord!
00:00:39You lick one bit of that spoon and you're dead.
00:00:41Oh, wow!
00:00:44Gravy in a curry? Oh, no, no, no.
00:00:48Stupid!
00:00:49Oh, brilliant. We're going to get patronised for the next five minutes. Fantastic.
00:00:54Over a festive few weeks, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:00:59Tom Cruise was running around saving the world again.
00:01:05I have never seen a Mission Impossible.
00:01:08Have you?
00:01:09I... Yes, I have.
00:01:10I don't know how many there are. 27 now, probably.
00:01:13But I have...
00:01:14And I couldn't even tell you which one I've seen.
00:01:17And I may also be confusing it with something else that Tom Cruise has been in.
00:01:20I think he only ever does Mission Impossible.
00:01:23No, he does something else.
00:01:25Right.
00:01:26Jack Reacher.
00:01:27But I don't think it's that same person.
00:01:28No, he doesn't.
00:01:29He does.
00:01:30That's Matt Damon.
00:01:31No, that's The Bourne Identity.
00:01:34That's Bruce Willis.
00:01:35No, that's not. That's Die Hard.
00:01:37Oh, that's a Christmas film.
00:01:40Lee Mack was all over Christmas.
00:01:43Have you ever wondered how clever you are?
00:01:44Do you think you might be in the top 50% of the country?
00:01:47The top 10% or even the top 1%?
00:01:49I did pass me 11 plus.
00:01:51What's your 11 plus?
00:01:52It was an exam years ago.
00:01:54Well, when did I take it?
00:01:55Oh, when I was 11.
00:01:56Yeah, it was the 11 plus.
00:02:02Oh, when did you take that, Jenny?
00:02:03Yeah, when I was 11.
00:02:04Yeah.
00:02:05I passed.
00:02:06I passed.
00:02:07I was out.
00:02:08And there were wise men mending things in our favourite barn.
00:02:12I know the photo that that was taken from.
00:02:16And I actually don't have any of your clocks.
00:02:19Do you remember the days when you used to cry
00:02:21at this drop of a hat?
00:02:24I didn't.
00:02:25You used to cry the whole time, Nutty,
00:02:28and the tears have dried up over the last year, haven't they?
00:02:32Now bitterness has replaced the...
00:02:34Bitterness has replaced the tears, Nutty, hasn't it?
00:02:37As that comes to us all.
00:02:46In Leeds...
00:02:47Do you want me and Nat to help you put your reindeers up?
00:02:49Well, yeah.
00:02:50Or are you just frigging them off this year?
00:02:52No, they've been sat in my kitchen all wrapped up,
00:02:54but I've got a thing like that.
00:02:56I need Nat to put that thing on the wall for me
00:02:58so that I can put a chain through my reindeers
00:02:59so that nobody can pinch my reindeers.
00:03:02Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
00:03:04I saw that at Claire Stephens actually today
00:03:06when I dropped Ezra off.
00:03:08She had a chain round her reindeers.
00:03:10Well, because I gave her the idea
00:03:11because when I got my reindeers,
00:03:12Claire saw my reindeers
00:03:13and she said that she wanted to get the same reindeers as me
00:03:15and she'd loved them reindeers for ages
00:03:16and did I mind if she got the same reindeers as me?
00:03:19And I said, no, but do what I've done
00:03:20so that nobody can take them away.
00:03:22Nobody can come along and take your reindeers.
00:03:25Yeah, somebody might nick your reindeers.
00:03:27Imagine if somebody nicked my reindeers.
00:03:30You'd be wounded.
00:03:31I'd be gutted they were 300 quid.
00:03:32Exactly. You don't want any reindeers nicking.
00:03:35That'd ruin my Christmas, Dad.
00:03:37Just before Christmas, ITV got us in the festive mood
00:03:41by gathering together a galaxy of stars
00:03:44to celebrate a music icon.
00:03:47Carly Minogue.
00:03:48We've seen her live, haven't we?
00:03:50We have. I forgot about that.
00:03:52Minogue you.
00:03:52Have you still got a crush on that?
00:03:55Yeah.
00:03:57We're the same age and everything.
00:03:59Nearly the same height.
00:04:04She's a brilliant performer.
00:04:06Aha.
00:04:07But, like, more for me, ma'am.
00:04:08I just can't get you out of my head.
00:04:11Oh, please stop.
00:04:12For your love all I think about.
00:04:16Are you ready to go back to the 80s?
00:04:18Yes, we are, Kylie.
00:04:19I want to go back into the 80s.
00:04:21I've never been there before.
00:04:22Neither have I.
00:04:26Look at her in a pantsuit! I love her!
00:04:28Yeah, I know where she's borrowed that outfit from, Mary.
00:04:31Where?
00:04:31Leo Sayer.
00:04:32I heard it comes right here to Royal Abba Hall!
00:04:34Ha!
00:04:37Alison Hammond, she gets everywhere, eh?
00:04:40Get the train going!
00:04:46We're doing the locomotion!
00:04:51Ha!
00:04:54Ha!
00:04:55Ha!
00:04:57Oh!
00:05:01We're doing the locomotion!
00:05:03Ha!
00:05:04Ha!
00:05:05Ha!
00:05:05Come on, doodle-o-commercial
00:05:09You've got to swing your tits now
00:05:13Come on, baby
00:05:16Jump up
00:05:17It's about to this at a wedding
00:05:19Well, I think I got the neck
00:05:22Hey, I got it, sure
00:05:28I am totally the one in pink
00:05:32Join the video
00:05:34I totally would, I would slay
00:05:41Oh, there's Vardis
00:05:42I was giving it a shoulder
00:05:47Alan Carr
00:05:49All the celebs are there, they're lovin' it
00:05:53Ooh
00:05:55What would you do?
00:05:56Spread them legs
00:05:59Oh, Ryland, love Ryland
00:06:01And Emma Willis
00:06:02There would have been a time where
00:06:04Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby would have been in the front row
00:06:07Oh, don't
00:06:08Those days are gone
00:06:09I love to mountain with me
00:06:11I love to mountain with me
00:06:12I love to mountain with me
00:06:13Look at that
00:06:15Come on, baby
00:06:18Jump up
00:06:19Woo, jump back
00:06:39big train of gay men right this song going on a bit now look how much fun
00:06:46they're having look at that she deserves a big confetti cannon 50 she's the same
00:06:58age as me I can still slow drop yeah you can
00:07:20giles and his wife Mary not another 70s record hocus pocus Mary focus hocus pocus by focus
00:07:34oh nasty when are you gonna grow up mmm fantastic Mary on the big day we enjoyed a real cracker
00:07:44of a
00:07:44quiz on ITV one it's a 1% club Christmas special Christmas Day can't get any better watch I am
00:07:54smarter than y'all prove it what do you think all the questions to be festive I don't know
00:08:00so now it's time for the 80% question if 80% of people got it right it should be
00:08:04an easy one
00:08:04there shouldn't it so if you do get this wrong you are actually quite sick which of these images
00:08:09rhymes with the ninth word of the chorus of jingle bells I don't get it I don't get it
00:08:16jingle bells jingle bells hang on jingles hyphenated is that one word or two
00:08:22jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh says Bo all the way oh I don't know
00:08:36Bo Bo oh oh B yeah B sorry oh wow that took me a second it let's have a look
00:08:43at the answer
00:08:46it's Bo because it rhymes with oh you said cock because it rhymes with rock we should have got
00:08:51that Mary well I got it well done time for the 40% question 40% question now I'm on
00:08:57it you're out so
00:08:58you can't answer this you're out in 1993 Christmas Day fell on a Saturday what day of the week was
00:09:06New
00:09:06Year's Day in 1994 how many days are in between Christmas and New Year Sunday because it's exactly a
00:09:15week after Christmas Day that smart ass you weren't even born then I remember this what do you see well
00:09:22I would have thought Sunday but is a catch in it well you've got to commit come on but is
00:09:27this a leap you
00:09:32Sunday Sunday yeah it'll be a Saturday yeah it's seven days oh yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Thursday
00:09:4130th yeah hug money Friday Friday New Year's Day Saturday right your time is up Sunday
00:09:51I was in Sunday I'm saying Saturday let's have a look at the answer Sunday Saturday what thank you to
00:10:00be
00:10:00honest that week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day no one knows what day of the bloody week it
00:10:04is just a blur lose it right we're getting close to the end now and it's now time for the
00:10:0915%
00:10:10question oh it's gonna be hard now on an advent calendar that runs from December 1st to Christmas Eve
00:10:17how many times would you see the digit 2 oh oh baby just counting the twos in it yeah up
00:10:28to 24 oh
00:10:29second 12 12 right you'd see it four times in the 20s 20 21 22 23 24 so five times
00:10:4312 12 and 2 7 6
00:10:498 8 8 8 because because because because with 22 you see it twice
00:10:577 let's see who got the question right come on 8 8 8 8 god I think it's that I'm
00:11:04quite confident on
00:11:04Yeah, but you were confident before and you were wrong.
00:11:08It's eight.
00:11:09What?
00:11:09Yes!
00:11:11What did we miss?
00:11:12And there they are.
00:11:13I totally forgot about the 22s, two twos, innit?
00:11:16I'm beginning to take our intelligence now.
00:11:20Well, not mine, actually. Yours more than mine.
00:11:23OK, let's play the 1% question.
00:11:26Oh, you are?
00:11:27One minute, this is the 1% question now,
00:11:29so I don't know if you two would just want to go and have a coffee break or something.
00:11:33Shut up, Sharon.
00:11:33It's pointless. Just leave this to me.
00:11:37Here it is.
00:11:39Focus.
00:11:39Positive mental attitude.
00:11:42If you remove all the letters that appear more than once,
00:11:45what Christmassy word can you make from those that remain?
00:11:49Oh, this is hard.
00:11:50I need a piece of paper.
00:11:51Shh!
00:11:55Right, hang on a minute.
00:11:56Ks are gone, Js are gone.
00:11:58So there's K.
00:11:59They can go.
00:12:00P's twice.
00:12:01Finger!
00:12:02That's not Christmassy!
00:12:08There are the Ns, the Ms, the Ds.
00:12:11OK, what's left?
00:12:13What about an F?
00:12:14How many Fs?
00:12:15One.
00:12:15Elf.
00:12:16It's elf.
00:12:18Elf!
00:12:19Elf!
00:12:19Elf!
00:12:20I got it!
00:12:23OK, your time is up.
00:12:25I've done FLE.
00:12:26That's all I know.
00:12:27Elf!
00:12:27Elf!
00:12:28Oh my God, is it elf?
00:12:29I've got the 1% question!
00:12:33I had already got it.
00:12:34No, you hadn't done it!
00:12:35Don't worry!
00:12:37You didn't get it!
00:12:37You can't sit there, not say nothing, and then go, I've already got it.
00:12:40Well, why do you think I didn't say anything?
00:12:41Because I didn't want you to know.
00:12:43Because you didn't get it!
00:12:44If this is elf now, I'm going to be absolutely buzzing.
00:12:49Right, let's have a look at the answer.
00:12:52It's elf.
00:12:52It's elf.
00:12:53Elf.
00:12:54Elf.
00:12:54Elf.
00:12:55Elf.
00:12:55Elf.
00:13:02The answer is elf!
00:13:04Elf!
00:13:05Yes!
00:13:07I'm in the 1% club!
00:13:09Elf!
00:13:10I got it right!
00:13:11I got it right!
00:13:11Oh, you frigging never.
00:13:13£47,000!
00:13:15Two of them got it!
00:13:16What are they going to do with the money, Mary?
00:13:18You won't be seeing me again.
00:13:20I'll be handing me noticing, even though I'm self-employed.
00:13:26Just giving it to yourself.
00:13:28Sorry, I'm going to have to quit.
00:13:30I was going to say it anyway.
00:13:32You're saying I didn't get it right.
00:13:33You lost it, Sean.
00:13:35You...
00:13:35You was looking at Kate!
00:13:36No, I didn't think, no.
00:13:38You're lying because I got it right and you're just...
00:13:40You're just making it up.
00:13:42I'm sure you said Christmas chicken.
00:13:44That was another one.
00:13:44I was sat right there and I got it right.
00:13:47You're lying.
00:13:49I sat right there and I got it right.
00:13:51It seemed like he's had nothing to do with it, but he...
00:13:54He's just wired.
00:13:54He's gone now.
00:13:57He's a sore loser, that boy.
00:14:07In Derby.
00:14:08Guys, have you thought of any New Year's resolutions?
00:14:11I mean, I might even have gone and have a few tattoos here, there and there.
00:14:14It doesn't matter anymore, does it?
00:14:16The Siddiquis.
00:14:17What tattoo would you get?
00:14:19I don't know.
00:14:20What are the common ones?
00:14:22Get it here or something like that.
00:14:23Get it here.
00:14:24Don't get that one, Dad.
00:14:25Why would you get that one?
00:14:26Get what where?
00:14:27No.
00:14:29On my chest somewhere, I don't know.
00:14:31No, don't get anything anywhere.
00:14:34Get it here.
00:14:38Please don't get that, Dad.
00:14:41Back in December, there were more marvels from the natural world on BBC One.
00:14:46He's always here to Planet Earth, this cat.
00:14:49He hears the titles and he comes bombing in.
00:14:52Do you know the two sounds that you'll be hearing on Christmas Day?
00:14:54What?
00:14:55This theme tune and the smoke alarm going off.
00:15:01I try and be good to Planet Earth.
00:15:03I try and be good to Planet Earth as well.
00:15:05I pick up litter.
00:15:07Me too, outside my house.
00:15:09I go through the woods.
00:15:10Do you?
00:15:11Play down Valley woods.
00:15:12Yes, I do.
00:15:12You're not doing now what you're doing.
00:15:14What are you doing?
00:15:15I turn the water off when I'm brushing my teeth.
00:15:16So do I.
00:15:18Well.
00:15:18We started making the very first Planet Earth series just over 20 years ago.
00:15:24Shut up.
00:15:2520 years ago.
00:15:26I feel a however coming on.
00:15:28But the truth is that most of the animals we filmed over these last two decades
00:15:33are now rarer than they were.
00:15:37Wow.
00:15:37There we go, we're the 12th.
00:15:39Again.
00:15:39It's too depressing.
00:15:41Well, that's why a lot of people aren't watching this.
00:15:43Yeah.
00:15:43My mother's not watching it.
00:15:44Louise isn't watching.
00:15:45Your friend Louise isn't watching it.
00:15:47It's just too upsetting.
00:15:48Because they can't bear it.
00:15:48They can't bear the underlying message.
00:15:51But I've seen another change in those years.
00:15:54A hopeful change.
00:15:55Oh, well thank God for that.
00:15:57A new generation of remarkable people are stepping up to save wildlife.
00:16:02These are the real heroes.
00:16:03Yeah.
00:16:03These are the people we should be celebrating.
00:16:05I saved that swift.
00:16:07Which swift?
00:16:08Off Rob's house when his claw was caught on our thing.
00:16:12Aye, that's right.
00:16:12And we looked after that little bird the other day, didn't we?
00:16:15Aye.
00:16:16We made sure.
00:16:17We made sure.
00:16:19In Vienna, Katarina Huchler is just starting a new job.
00:16:23Oh, what are you doing, Katarina?
00:16:24Happy first day.
00:16:25And well done for cycling.
00:16:27The pay is terrible.
00:16:29Join the club, love.
00:16:30And there are no days off.
00:16:32Oh.
00:16:33What's she going to be doing?
00:16:34She is about to become a foster mother.
00:16:39Oh.
00:16:40What?
00:16:41Was she looking after?
00:16:42And these are her new babies.
00:16:45Oh.
00:16:47Do they think she is their mother?
00:16:49Yep.
00:16:50The Northern Bald Ibis.
00:16:52Ibis.
00:16:53Ibis.
00:16:53Is that the hotel?
00:16:54What's bald about that?
00:16:56That's bald.
00:16:57Mmm.
00:16:57That's not bald.
00:16:59She must convince them that she's their mother.
00:17:01It's a process called imprinting.
00:17:04Oh, so they're mimicking the parent bird.
00:17:06They must always wear identical yellow clothes
00:17:09and repeat the same noises again and again.
00:17:14I've heard of that imprinting in birds.
00:17:18Valencia's got geese and chickens, aren't she, in Italy?
00:17:21And I'm sure that, like, one of their baby chicks imprinted on her
00:17:23and lives in the house is called Alfred.
00:17:26A bit later, we saw the Ibis all grown up
00:17:29and ready for the next stage of their journey.
00:17:32These are migratory birds.
00:17:35In autumn, they must fly south to their warm feeding grounds in Italy.
00:17:40Right.
00:17:41So they've got to get them prepped for that, haven't they, to migrate?
00:17:44How do they know where Italy is?
00:17:45I don't even know where Italy is.
00:17:46Their human mothers must show them the way.
00:17:48So she's got to walk to Italy from where she is?
00:17:51Bloody miles, that.
00:17:52And that requires a little ingenuity.
00:17:56Eh?
00:17:56If they got jetpacks, I would be furious.
00:18:02Oh, my God!
00:18:04Oh, they're going to follow that.
00:18:07Because it's yellow.
00:18:10Oh!
00:18:11They're getting in it!
00:18:11Dead to it!
00:18:12There's no way you'd get me on a bloody micro light.
00:18:15That is where I would fail at being a foster parent to an Ibis.
00:18:18Because you couldn't get on one of them.
00:18:19Will the birds follow them?
00:18:21Oh, look what's fun, Mary.
00:18:23Look!
00:18:24Come, come!
00:18:25Ladies, come, come!
00:18:27Oh, she's cowling her!
00:18:29What?
00:18:30Follow her, Mummy.
00:18:30Come on!
00:18:31Caw-caw!
00:18:34Caw-caw!
00:18:35Caw-caw!
00:18:36Getting two closest dangers for both birds and humans.
00:18:40Yeah, because they're going to get caught in the fun.
00:18:42I'm probably in the diner.
00:18:44Oh, what?
00:18:45Oh, God, can we get the bird out of the line?
00:18:47This is quite stressful.
00:18:49Oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:18:50Oh!
00:18:51Oh!
00:18:52Oh, no!
00:18:52Did you just see that?
00:18:54After a wobbly start,
00:18:57at last they settle.
00:19:00They're all following so.
00:19:02Oh, they know that that's their mum.
00:19:05I can do this.
00:19:07I'd start with 28 Ibis,
00:19:09and in an hour I'd be left with, like, half an Ibis.
00:19:12But their biggest challenge is still to come.
00:19:15Yeah, got to get them over the Alps.
00:19:17Oh, my God.
00:19:19Surely they're not flying that piece of shit to Italy.
00:19:21If there is a problem with the micro lights,
00:19:23there is no safe place to land.
00:19:26Oh!
00:19:27Fuck that!
00:19:29Taking the micro light over the Alps.
00:19:31So there's no back-up plan?
00:19:33It's this or death for everybody.
00:19:40She's trying to count them here, birds in flight.
00:19:42With every turn,
00:19:43the mothers must make sure all 28 birds are following.
00:19:47God, are having to count them up that high?
00:19:49They're counting them as they go to make sure
00:19:51where none of them have dropped off.
00:19:53Well, they good counters.
00:19:54I couldn't count all them birds at once.
00:19:58All 28 birds here.
00:20:00All of them are there.
00:20:01Thank God for that.
00:20:03At last, they make it over the highest ridge.
00:20:07And the birds are just following the micro lights,
00:20:09as though it's perfectly normal.
00:20:11This is some cool job, you know.
00:20:13I really wish I did something like this.
00:20:17The species once left for dead,
00:20:19now has a future.
00:20:21Oh!
00:20:22It's emotional, isn't it?
00:20:24It's beautiful.
00:20:24Absolutely beautiful.
00:20:26Thank you for saving the ibis.
00:20:28Speaking of looking after animals,
00:20:29you know, you try and do a good deed.
00:20:31Do you remember that time I rescued that cockerel from Overwire?
00:20:33Mmm.
00:20:34And it jumped out my boot when I got home
00:20:36and somebody called the police
00:20:37and said that it was abusing a seagull.
00:20:39How does a cockerel sound anything like a seagull?
00:20:43Well...
00:20:43Police round.
00:20:44Next thing I'm getting a bollocking.
00:20:46All I've done is rescue it.
00:20:47Sorry.
00:20:52In hall, I've got these crackers.
00:20:54I never win at crackers.
00:20:55You better not win at them.
00:20:56Best friends Jenny and Lee.
00:21:01Ah!
00:21:01Oh!
00:21:02What was that?
00:21:03Oh!
00:21:04You swath!
00:21:06You little shitbag!
00:21:09I knew I'd win!
00:21:11I knew it!
00:21:11It was some bloody...
00:21:14Oh!
00:21:14Look!
00:21:15What are you like?
00:21:19Freaking hell, it's all over me luck.
00:21:22I'm covered in the dough.
00:21:23Now, Merry Christmas.
00:21:26Oh, Lee.
00:21:28Ho, ho, ho.
00:21:29Ho, ho, ho.
00:21:30Ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:21:31The carpet!
00:21:32Ha, ha, ha.
00:21:33Ho, ho, ho.
00:21:34Ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:21:35Here.
00:21:36Have a taste of your own medicine.
00:21:39In mid-December, famous faces were flashing their private parts for a good cause on ITV1.
00:21:45Oh, the full Monty show.
00:21:48I know.
00:21:48You like this, don't you?
00:21:49Yeah, I do.
00:21:49I'm excited about this, Seb.
00:21:51Because it's all for charity, that's what I'm thinking of.
00:21:54Charitable perversion.
00:22:00You love it when Ashley Banjo does this, don't you?
00:22:03It's the reason why I watch it, to see his banjo.
00:22:05Oh.
00:22:06Please, put your hands together and welcome to the stage for one night only.
00:22:12Oh, Pete Wicks.
00:22:15Is that Paul Brand, Mary?
00:22:16Not Paul Brand.
00:22:18Russell Brand.
00:22:18Of course it's not Russell Brand.
00:22:20Is it?
00:22:20He wouldn't be on stage flashing at this stage of his career.
00:22:24Oh.
00:22:24The real full Monty!
00:22:29Come on, let's have it.
00:22:31Woo, woo, woo, woo!
00:22:32You like this more than I do.
00:22:35Woo!
00:22:37Woo!
00:22:37Woo!
00:22:40Woo!
00:22:41This is so hilarious.
00:22:43This is awkward.
00:22:44Baby, take off your coat.
00:22:51Real snow.
00:22:51Please leave your clothes on.
00:22:54You're an exhibitionist, you've loved this.
00:22:57You don't even need to do it for a short rebel car, she'd do it for no.
00:23:00Woo!
00:23:01Woo!
00:23:02Woo!
00:23:03Woo!
00:23:04Woo!
00:23:06Woo!
00:23:07Woo!
00:23:10Oh, look at Paul Palo.
00:23:12Oh, you've got to end it to him, ain't ya?
00:23:15I think it's good to see ordinary bodies.
00:23:18It's nice to see tits on men.
00:23:20Yeah.
00:23:21Yeah.
00:23:21Can you give me pizza?
00:23:23You give me pizza!
00:23:27Sean!
00:23:29Sorry.
00:23:30Woo!
00:23:33Yes, god, shut yourself!
00:23:35Come on!
00:23:36Woo!
00:23:39Woo!
00:23:39Look at Gemma Manchester, absolute G!
00:23:41She's got that dancing face, isn't it? Yeah, Gemma's made for this, you know
00:23:51Corsets are out tops off
00:23:55What was this with the next flick? Julia Bradbury go on Julia love
00:24:03Oh
00:24:06Moral an opposing power just I wasn't expecting it and it caught me off. Yeah, you were fishing you'd set
00:24:12her back out the charity book it
00:24:13Wouldn't you? Oh
00:24:18Oh, they all show their back bottom
00:24:24Yes, oh, I don't think any drop that page is a bit page isn't it
00:24:30Yes, I do
00:24:32The ladies have now taken their tops off Mary
00:24:36What are they holding in front of them? Hats to cover the boobies? Oh, I thought they were cookies cookies
00:24:46Here we go chill they're getting down to the nitty-gritty now
00:24:54Did you see that we saw a sniff of a knob then
00:25:00Go on
00:25:01Are you gonna go for it now sure it's all coming off don't worry
00:25:04Go hot
00:25:05Oh
00:25:08Why can't we get the full Monty?
00:25:10Because we didn't buy any tickets
00:25:12Okay. Oh, they done well there didn't they?
00:25:15Oh brilliant. I wouldn't want to do it
00:25:16I wouldn't know what well
00:25:19There'd be major disappointment if I'd done it
00:25:22You'd be alright from the back wouldn't you?
00:25:25Pfft
00:25:26Sucks a lot sure
00:25:28No, your bum's alright isn't it?
00:25:31Your bum's alright, it's just a front that lets you down
00:25:34Huh?
00:25:36That'd be great
00:25:46In Blackpool
00:25:47Jimmy the other day because I went and had a slice of bread out of the cupboard
00:25:50Jimmy, bread, bread, bread, I went right
00:25:52He had one bite and then went and put it in the bin
00:25:55Pete and his little sister Sophie
00:25:57I didn't realise
00:26:00I didn't realise he'd come back over a bit lively
00:26:03And because I'm still eating mine he went
00:26:05Jimmy, bread, bread, bread, I went hang on a minute
00:26:07You've eaten that quick
00:26:10I went where did you put it? Has Colin nicked it?
00:26:13He went, no in the bin
00:26:14Well you're not having another slice then
00:26:17I was almost tempted
00:26:18The core of me
00:26:20Get it out of the bin
00:26:21Honestly
00:26:22There you go
00:26:23If the bin lid had been cleaned
00:26:26Recently
00:26:27It'd have been game on
00:26:29In December we enjoyed a special festive trip to our favourite fixer-uppers
00:26:36We've got about a hundred years worth of repairs in this house
00:26:39I know
00:26:39Yeah
00:26:40We could keep them going
00:26:41Keep that programme going for another ten years
00:26:44Yeah
00:26:44Just in this room
00:26:45Yeah
00:26:47Do you know what's better than the repair shop?
00:26:50Nothing
00:26:51The repair shop at Christmas
00:26:54Fuck all
00:26:56Hello Jo
00:26:57Hello, hi Jay
00:26:58How are you doing? Come on in
00:26:59Thank you
00:27:00Hello there
00:27:01What's that?
00:27:02It looks like an old record player
00:27:04This is a record player
00:27:06Right
00:27:06That's been given to me by my son Ben
00:27:08Right
00:27:08It was the last gift he's ever given me
00:27:10Erm
00:27:11Because unfortunately he got ill
00:27:13Oh no
00:27:14That doesn't sound good does it?
00:27:16He loved his music
00:27:17And me and Ben used to listen to records and we used to dance round
00:27:20Like me and my boys
00:27:22Kids do love music don't they?
00:27:24Yeah
00:27:24Jimmy loves the Nana song
00:27:26Yeah he does
00:27:27Peggy Gay
00:27:27Yeah
00:27:28On his tenth birthday
00:27:29He erm
00:27:30He wasn't himself
00:27:31You always know when your child's not right
00:27:33And I think it was a week later
00:27:35We had the phone call to say that it was cancer
00:27:37Osteosarcoma
00:27:38Oh
00:27:39At ten
00:27:40I got the proper diagnosis on the 30th of September to say that it's terminal
00:27:44Oh
00:27:45Parents' worst fear isn't it?
00:27:48Yeah
00:27:48And then we got to Christmas
00:27:50He's taking Dad shopping
00:27:52Ben sees this and he goes
00:27:53I want to get that for a month for Christmas
00:27:55Oh God bless him
00:27:56He knew that she loved music
00:27:58Allegedly
00:27:59It was their thing together
00:28:00Mmm
00:28:01So he bought it by Christmas of 2005
00:28:03Okay
00:28:04And then he died on January the 6th
00:28:06Right
00:28:07Oh my God
00:28:08I wasn't that terrible
00:28:10Each time I look at it I think of Ben
00:28:11Each time I touch it I think of Ben
00:28:13So that record player really just does remind her of Ben
00:28:16And if they can bring that back to where we used to be
00:28:19I mean that'll be like having part of her
00:28:21Part of him back
00:28:23Part of him back
00:28:23Part of him back wouldn't he
00:28:24Ben loved music
00:28:25Loved music
00:28:26Loved it
00:28:27Abba especially
00:28:28Oh we love Abba
00:28:29Who doesn't love Abba?
00:28:30Well
00:28:31Out of all the Abba
00:28:32Which was you the most favourite one?
00:28:34One he hated
00:28:35But he loved it really
00:28:35Sliving through my fingers
00:28:37Sliving through my fingers
00:28:39Sliving through my fingers
00:28:39All the time
00:28:41Classic
00:28:42It's the most beautiful mother child song
00:28:46Oh
00:28:48What's actually wrong with this record player?
00:28:50So what's wrong with it is that if you open it up
00:28:54And then you move the handle nothing happens nothing
00:28:56Well they better fix this because I'm not being funny they haven't got a choice
00:29:00I always feel that leg's not up enough
00:29:02I don't want to get too involved
00:29:04It's not my job but
00:29:06We're a pair shop Simon
00:29:07Well Jo thank you for bringing this in
00:29:09It's been a real pleasure
00:29:11Oh it's lovely to meet you both
00:29:12Thank you so very much
00:29:13I hope they don't replace it with like a iPod or something like that
00:29:16We've put your docking station on it
00:29:19After a bit of tinkering in the barn
00:29:23I remember going on one of these at high school
00:29:26They didn't want to wear the safety goggles
00:29:28So the teacher threw the pizza wouldn't they?
00:29:30It was time for Jo to see if they'd been able to work their repair shop magic
00:29:34Hello
00:29:35Hello
00:29:36Hello Jo
00:29:37Hiya Mark alright
00:29:38Nice to see you
00:29:39The big reveal and how let's hope Jo's happy with it
00:29:42Yeah
00:29:43I think we should at least let you have a look
00:29:45Are this going to make you cry this is?
00:29:47Brace yourself Jane
00:29:51Oh my god
00:29:52Look at that
00:29:53Oh they've done a brilliant job haven't they?
00:29:55Brilliant job haven't they?
00:29:56That's amazing isn't it?
00:29:58Oh
00:30:00Oh
00:30:01Oh
00:30:01Wow
00:30:01Oh look how happy she is
00:30:03Are you going?
00:30:04Oh are you going?
00:30:06Oh
00:30:07No I'm not
00:30:07Oh you are
00:30:08You've got a heart
00:30:10Oh I'm ecstatic
00:30:12I'm ecstatic
00:30:13And what's your favourite?
00:30:14You said Ben didn't like you playing this group or something
00:30:16I bet
00:30:17Oh if they played that ABBA song
00:30:19Don't
00:30:20They can't play that song
00:30:21No they can't
00:30:21Because I'm not going to be able to come back from that
00:30:24Would you do the honours putting it on?
00:30:26Oh my god
00:30:26Yeah
00:30:27Oh
00:30:28Oh no
00:30:30That's right
00:30:31Hold it by the outside
00:30:42Oh my god
00:30:44Oh my god
00:30:44That's our favourite song
00:30:45It's
00:30:46Oh
00:30:46Oh my god
00:30:56Oh my god
00:31:06Oh my god
00:31:09Oh my god
00:31:13Oh my god
00:31:14She's right back there with him isn't she
00:31:16Oh god
00:31:17Oh my god
00:31:20Oh my god
00:31:22Oh my god
00:31:35She's got everyone going
00:31:37Could they not have just done Dancing Queen for God's sake?
00:31:40Put Dancing Queen on
00:31:41This is the saddest song that's ever been written
00:31:44Chickitito
00:31:45I right
00:31:47Put чикitito on
00:31:48Bloody hell
00:31:52In south east London
00:31:54The first Christmas we spent together was in sin, wasn't it?
00:32:00We lived in sin.
00:32:02It was a straight up in that bed seat, wasn't it?
00:32:04That was bloody cold then.
00:32:06Annie and her husband, Ronnie.
00:32:09We went over to, I don't know, my mum's for Christmas dinner.
00:32:15We didn't stay in there for Christmas dinner.
00:32:19They kept saying, stay the night, stay the night.
00:32:22And we'd say, no, it's all right, because we wanted to get back, didn't we?
00:32:26Have a bit of a bumpy, bumpy.
00:32:32On Friday night, a brand new real-life drama lifted our spirits on BBC One.
00:32:38I used to work with somebody who had Vagra at work.
00:32:41At work? Yeah.
00:32:43Hard at work, eh?
00:32:45Literally.
00:32:50I didn't think I was in Swansea.
00:32:52No, I know, aye.
00:32:53Well, they'd done trials there, did they?
00:32:55Well, that's where it all evolved from, Swansea.
00:32:58Roundy buggers in Swansea, I expect.
00:33:00Aye, aye, yeah.
00:33:02Yeah, bit of Welsh blood.
00:33:05Or lack of.
00:33:10Why would it be called men up?
00:33:11Oh, men up.
00:33:13It'd say it used to last 12 hours.
00:33:15Can you imagine walking round with your husband going to shopping?
00:33:18Be able to hang your handbag on it, wouldn't you?
00:33:1920 across, Christmas greenery.
00:33:23What's he doing the crossword?
00:33:24Holly.
00:33:25Conifer.
00:33:27Nine letters.
00:33:29Ah.
00:33:30All right, we'll come back to that.
00:33:32So, they're phoning each other, doing the crossword together.
00:33:36That's nice.
00:33:37Right.
00:33:3713 across, swollen or becoming swollen.
00:33:44Enlarged.
00:33:45Swollen or becoming swollen.
00:33:47Throb.
00:33:48Nine letters.
00:33:49First letter T, second letter U.
00:33:51Tumescent.
00:33:53Tumescent.
00:33:54Tumescent?
00:33:55I've never even heard of that word.
00:33:57I've always liked that word.
00:33:58Oh, she's being sexy now.
00:34:00Let's hope this call's not getting recorded for training purposes.
00:34:03Tumescent.
00:34:04Tumescent.
00:34:05Ooh.
00:34:06Glad, yeah.
00:34:07Is this a sex phone call?
00:34:09Yeah.
00:34:10Doing the crossword.
00:34:11Are you...
00:34:14Tumescent?
00:34:14No, I'm doing a crossword.
00:34:16What level of countdown pornography is this?
00:34:19So, she's now asking if he's swollen?
00:34:22Oh, thank you, Mother.
00:34:23Shall I, um...
00:34:25Oh, God.
00:34:25Bye-bye, then.
00:34:26Fill in the box.
00:34:27Oh, no.
00:34:29It's like listening to your fucking mum and dad.
00:34:30Oh, he...
00:34:33Ah, that mum.
00:34:35Oh, he broke the tip.
00:34:38Colin.
00:34:39She's had enough.
00:34:40What if we were to meet up in person?
00:34:43Oh.
00:34:44Oh, my God, they've never met.
00:34:45But wouldn't it be nice to put a face to the voice?
00:34:49Uh-oh.
00:34:49Don't like the thought of this.
00:34:51He doesn't.
00:34:52Do you think he's got something to add?
00:34:56Oh, Colin.
00:34:57Oh, Colin.
00:34:58Why won't you meet up with her?
00:34:59He's frightened at that age.
00:35:02Do you know why?
00:35:02Well, his pencil broke.
00:35:04Yes, it's a metaphor.
00:35:06The pencil is a metaphor.
00:35:08Oh, for his own, um, digit?
00:35:11No, it's not a digit.
00:35:12Oh.
00:35:13A bit later, we saw Colin signing up
00:35:16for an exciting new medical experiment.
00:35:19For the first stage, there will be two visits to the hospital
00:35:22where you will be given either a placebo or the real thing.
00:35:26He's going to undergo a trial now, Colin.
00:35:28You watch.
00:35:29At least he's doing something about it, Simon.
00:35:31Absolutely.
00:35:32First in the queue.
00:35:33Well done, Colin.
00:35:35And hooked up to a strain gauge.
00:35:37Hooked up to a strain gauge.
00:35:39They'll encircle it.
00:35:42And then...
00:35:43Strain gauge?
00:35:43And then gauge how much it's straining
00:35:46against the boundaries of the strain gauge.
00:35:50It's a plastic hoop fitted around the shaft of the penis
00:35:54and connected to a regimetric device
00:35:56to measure the hardness of any erection.
00:35:59Oh.
00:36:00It's interesting, isn't it?
00:36:02There's a tool for measuring erections.
00:36:04I never knew that.
00:36:05What, and you don't own it?
00:36:09How did it go, Colin?
00:36:11Hallelujah.
00:36:12Hallelujah.
00:36:13Well done, Colin.
00:36:15It worked.
00:36:17Hallelujah.
00:36:18Hallelujah.
00:36:19Hallelujah.
00:36:20Hallelujah.
00:36:21Exactly.
00:36:22Hello, Theresa.
00:36:25Meeting for the first time, so...
00:36:27Hang on a sec.
00:36:28Sorry.
00:36:31I bet he's done a full shave.
00:36:33He'll be like a dolphin's nose from the chin down.
00:36:36Hello, Colin.
00:36:37Ooh, look at her.
00:36:39With a low-cut bingo top on.
00:36:41I think Theresa's ready.
00:36:43I thought he'd take one look at me and run a mile.
00:36:46You're handsome.
00:36:47Oh, here we go.
00:36:49Strapping.
00:36:49She's gagging for it.
00:36:51She's going to be like the Kimbo in front of that fire before long.
00:36:54That wing-back's going to be earning its money in a minute.
00:36:57Why don't we get the dishes out of the way and get down to it?
00:37:00Well, Theresa's a bit forward, isn't she?
00:37:02Well, they're very blunt way of saying it.
00:37:04But, I mean, it's going to be awkward the first lunge, you know?
00:37:09But why can't they just kind of do foreplay?
00:37:12Why do they have to have full sex when they've just...
00:37:16This is their first date?
00:37:18Why can't they warm up to it?
00:37:20There was a tavern...
00:37:23Oh, God.
00:37:25Oh, yes.
00:37:25Go on, lass.
00:37:27Shake your tits, it's Christmas.
00:37:30Come on.
00:37:31Dance with me.
00:37:32Ah, get off, dummy, Dad.
00:37:34I've got another couple of hours here before I can get up.
00:37:37I'm just feeling a bit stiff.
00:37:38I don't fancy dancing today.
00:37:40HE LAUGHS
00:37:47Oh, no.
00:37:49I always get the opposite problem.
00:37:51Yeah.
00:37:51He's getting an appropriate bonus round.
00:37:56HE LAUGHS
00:37:57Oh, he can't get too close, can he?
00:38:00Do you reckon he's got a boner right now, Colin?
00:38:02Cos he's moving a bit stiff, man.
00:38:05HE LAUGHS
00:38:07Oh, hello.
00:38:10Oh, yes, man.
00:38:11Go on, you go, Colin, boy.
00:38:13Oh, Colin.
00:38:15You are.
00:38:18Tumescence.
00:38:19Tumescence.
00:38:20It's so cute.
00:38:22He's not forgotten that crossword clue, is he?
00:38:24I might see if Nat fancy doing a crossword later
00:38:26and having a new crossword could be so sexy.
00:38:30Well, you can wait till I go home.
00:38:32Well, you're of an age, Seb, it shouldn't be happening to you.
00:38:34And if it was...
00:38:35HE LAUGHS
00:38:36If it was, you could tell somebody about it and get help.
00:38:40But it's not, so let's move on.
00:38:42All right, then.
00:38:51In Caffilly.
00:38:52I bought you some Stilton cheese there, love.
00:38:56Oh, I fancy a bit of Stilton.
00:38:58Oh, I might have some crackers and cheese now.
00:39:01Yeah.
00:39:02Mm, aye.
00:39:03Dave and his wife, Shirley.
00:39:06Christ, a bit of Stilton cheese?
00:39:09Well, yeah, because otherwise it'll stink.
00:39:11That's a bit of an understatement, eh?
00:39:13That'll stink, eh?
00:39:13What's that?
00:39:15Well, it's...
00:39:15I think that a mouse wouldn't get fat on that.
00:39:18Where's the go on your crackers?
00:39:20How much do you want?
00:39:21Three crackers?
00:39:22It stinks, that's why you didn't get a big lump.
00:39:25That's cruel, that is.
00:39:27It's not.
00:39:27It is.
00:39:28Look, if I bought more than that, right, you'll stink the house out.
00:39:32I mean, I'd better four crackers and put that on.
00:39:35It's gone.
00:39:36Well, you don't eat a lot of Stilton, do you?
00:39:39No, because you wouldn't buy it, simple lads.
00:39:42In December, the highest-stakes reality show came to a dramatic conclusion on Netflix.
00:39:48Squid Game, the final.
00:39:50Oh, how good has it been?
00:39:52Oh, we've gone from 456 to one, two, three.
00:39:57Why don't you just say three?
00:39:59Because it adds more suspensive accounts.
00:40:01Just one person is going to walk away with 4.56 million.
00:40:05It's a nice pick-up, isn't it?
00:40:12Oh, episode 10, one lucky day.
00:40:15Well, it's going to be looking for somebody, isn't it?
00:40:17Yeah.
00:40:19In the episode, we saw the last three contestants all suited and booted and ready to have a slap-up
00:40:25meal.
00:40:26Oh, my God!
00:40:27Oh, my God!
00:40:30Oh, I'm nervous for these three already.
00:40:32So you've got my, Phil and Sam.
00:40:35I want mine to go through.
00:40:37I know you do.
00:40:37We hope you're enjoying your feast.
00:40:41But only two of you will proceed to the final game.
00:40:45Oh, one's going here now.
00:40:47How?
00:40:48How?
00:40:49In front of you are three buttons.
00:40:53When pushed, one will turn green, which means the player who pushes it goes into the final
00:40:59and chooses a player to join them.
00:41:01Oh, no!
00:41:03Oh!
00:41:03And chooses a player to join them.
00:41:05How would you pick?
00:41:06I'd pick the one I could beat.
00:41:08Exactly!
00:41:09One button will turn grey.
00:41:13This has no consequence for the player who pushes it.
00:41:17So nothing happens to you if you press a button that turns grey?
00:41:19Right, right.
00:41:21The third button will turn red.
00:41:25Which means the player who pushes it is eliminated.
00:41:31Oh, this is...
00:41:32There's just no strategy to this now.
00:41:34It is just down to pot.
00:41:37Look.
00:41:37This is fucked up.
00:41:39Do you know what I mean?
00:41:39Imagine getting that far just to know you push a button and you could be out.
00:41:43Does anyone want to press it first?
00:41:46I'm like, look, I'll do it.
00:41:48What difference does it make?
00:41:49I think I would honestly rather go first.
00:41:51You would, because you'd rather make the choice, wouldn't you?
00:41:55I will.
00:41:56Oh, yes!
00:41:57Imagine having the balls to just be like, yeah, I'll do it.
00:42:00You know, four million.
00:42:01What have I got to lose?
00:42:07What shape would you go for?
00:42:09Square.
00:42:10Oh, I was going to say square.
00:42:11If in doubt, straight down the middle side.
00:42:13Yeah.
00:42:14Personally, I would go with triangle.
00:42:17So would I.
00:42:18But the table's the shape of the triangle.
00:42:20Well, what does that mean?
00:42:25I can't watch this.
00:42:27Please get the green button, my.
00:42:28Please be the green button for my.
00:42:30Them two gobsmacked.
00:42:34Triangle?
00:42:35Middle for the big one.
00:42:35What colour is it going to be?
00:42:39Please say it's green.
00:42:40Come on.
00:42:40Please say it's green.
00:42:41If it's green, great.
00:42:43If it's red, fuck.
00:42:46Oh, Grace, she's safe.
00:42:48So technically she's all right.
00:42:49She's still in limbo.
00:42:51Yeah, she's 50-50.
00:42:52Yeah.
00:42:52Now she needs Phil or Sam to press red.
00:42:55Yes.
00:42:55Because that means they're out.
00:42:56Yes.
00:42:56The remaining players must now decide who will push a button next.
00:43:01Right, so who's going to go?
00:43:03Because neither of them want to press the button.
00:43:06I'll go.
00:43:07Oh, Sam's going, yeah?
00:43:08Oh, I hope it's red.
00:43:10Not in a horrible way.
00:43:11But I do think mine deserves it for having the card.
00:43:14It's like a harness to get up there first.
00:43:19It's going to go square.
00:43:21Square's masculine.
00:43:23There you go.
00:43:28Oh, no!
00:43:31Oh, that means it's out, Mary.
00:43:34Oh, that's sad.
00:43:36To have everything that I've worked for just ripped away by...
00:43:42He's been crying.
00:43:44I don't know why you're taking piss.
00:43:46You'd have been too distraught to do the interview.
00:43:49I'd be hyperventilating into a bag.
00:43:51I would be...
00:43:52I'd have to have a foil blanket on in the back of an ambulance.
00:43:57Sedate me.
00:43:57Oh, it would go.
00:43:59Oh, it would go.
00:44:03This is the final.
00:44:05One of you will win $4.56 million.
00:44:09Bloody hell.
00:44:10Mental.
00:44:11$4.56 million.
00:44:12Oh, my God.
00:44:13The game that will decide that is...
00:44:17Rock, paper, scissors.
00:44:20What?
00:44:20You're wrapping a lot.
00:44:22Rock, paper, scissors.
00:44:24This is who does the washing up game.
00:44:26Not who wins $4.5 million.
00:44:30Here are the rules.
00:44:32I think we know the fucking rules.
00:44:33We know the rules.
00:44:34Everybody knows the rules.
00:44:35A two-year-old knows the rules.
00:44:36The winner of each round will select one key
00:44:39and attempt to open the safe.
00:44:42Oh...
00:44:43So you've still got to pick the right key?
00:44:45Yeah.
00:44:46Yeah.
00:44:46Okay, yeah, yeah.
00:44:46That makes sense.
00:44:47You know what?
00:44:48I prefer that.
00:44:49I prefer that.
00:44:50If the key does not open the safe,
00:44:52you will play again.
00:44:54It's so basic.
00:44:55It's brutal.
00:44:57Because you win rock, paper, scissors,
00:44:59but you still could lose...
00:45:01You can't find the right key.
00:45:02Playing with an adult male,
00:45:05they tend to draw towards rock.
00:45:08Ooh.
00:45:10She's put a lot of fire into this.
00:45:13She is.
00:45:17Two, three, paper.
00:45:19Mai, go scissors.
00:45:20No, go stone.
00:45:21No, I don't know what to do.
00:45:23Reveal.
00:45:26She was right.
00:45:27Mai is a legend.
00:45:29She wraps the rock.
00:45:32Right, so Mai's got the first key.
00:45:33Come on.
00:45:34Oh, I'm so nervous for her.
00:45:38There's shitloads of keys, isn't there?
00:45:39It's like a caretaker's bunch.
00:45:45Oh, I'm shaking.
00:45:47Do you know that's what I'm like with my key
00:45:49when I go out on the piss
00:45:50and I can't get my key to the door?
00:45:55No, it's not worked.
00:45:57Right, we go again.
00:45:59Shit.
00:46:04Phil's won.
00:46:04Phil's got a key.
00:46:05Oh, he went rock again.
00:46:07Called a bluff.
00:46:12Not turning.
00:46:16I've got to go again.
00:46:17This is bloody intense.
00:46:19Isn't it?
00:46:21After a load more rounds,
00:46:22it was Phil's turn again
00:46:24to try out another key.
00:46:28Is this the one?
00:46:29Is this the one?
00:46:32No.
00:46:33No.
00:46:34Oh, wow.
00:46:35Fucking hell.
00:46:43Snip.
00:46:43Oh, my, he's turning him again.
00:46:45I got him.
00:46:50I think this is the key, you know.
00:46:53No.
00:46:54There was like seven still in there.
00:46:59Oh, my God.
00:47:00It's turning.
00:47:01Is that turning?
00:47:01That's turning.
00:47:02That is turning.
00:47:05No!
00:47:06Oh!
00:47:07She's done it!
00:47:08Yes!
00:47:09It's better!
00:47:13There it is.
00:47:14It's a gold credit card.
00:47:17And then now,
00:47:17she's got to get the pin for the card.
00:47:19Because we're mad.
00:47:20LAUGHTER
00:47:22He did it.
00:47:24Oh, my God.
00:47:27I'm not sure what this is.
00:47:28I know what's going to happen, Mary.
00:47:30He's going to marry her.
00:47:31It'll be the next best thing to winning.
00:47:33That says a lot about your psychology, Nutt.
00:47:35Oh, that's what I'd do.
00:47:37I'd marry her.
00:47:38Thanks.
00:47:39I'd pretend I loved her.
00:47:43Just for the money.
00:47:45Just like I did with you, Mary.
00:47:46Oh, right.
00:47:55In the forest of Dean...
00:47:57Heidi, advent calendar.
00:47:58Come on.
00:47:59The good thing about this, Seb,
00:48:01is it's dog-friendly chocolate treats.
00:48:03Seb and his mum, Elaine.
00:48:05Hi, Dee.
00:48:06Hello.
00:48:07What's this?
00:48:08Sit down.
00:48:08Sit down.
00:48:09Happy Christmas.
00:48:10Merry Christmas.
00:48:11There you are.
00:48:13Shall we do another one?
00:48:14Shall we just do one more?
00:48:15Oh, we're going to do a special one.
00:48:16Because we've got behind.
00:48:18We have to go in order, though, Jess.
00:48:21Got to go in order.
00:48:22Well, half of these are missing.
00:48:24They're not missing.
00:48:24I've just opened those two.
00:48:26Well, why have you opened that one?
00:48:28Oh, they've fallen down.
00:48:29Oh, see, Seb, you've ruined Christmas now for them.
00:48:32One evening between Christmas and the New Year,
00:48:35Channel 4 gave us something to ruin Dara over.
00:48:38Do you fancy a bit of popcorn, love?
00:48:41Yeah, very nice.
00:48:42Sweet and salty.
00:48:44Minced pie.
00:48:45Oh, no, thanks.
00:48:46Oh, my God, LA.
00:48:47I've seen this advertised.
00:48:48What is it?
00:48:49Like one born every minute, but for puppies.
00:48:51For millions of us across the country...
00:48:53Oh, my God!
00:48:55..our families are made complete by our pets.
00:48:58I don't think I'd go outdoors if it wasn't for the pets, Mary.
00:49:01Yeah.
00:49:04Pets, man, and, like, baby pets.
00:49:06Baby pets.
00:49:07Cuties.
00:49:07I've got four fur babies, one scaly baby and one actual baby.
00:49:14And one man baby.
00:49:17Oh, Rosie.
00:49:18I like that little face.
00:49:20You like mutts, don't you, Mary?
00:49:22Stray dog Rosie was found hungry and scruffy,
00:49:25living alone on the streets.
00:49:27Oh, poor Rosie.
00:49:28She could come live with me, but I've got enough mouths to feed.
00:49:31You have. You don't need any more pets.
00:49:33She was rescued by the Blue Cross Rehoming Centre in Burford.
00:49:37Blue Cross is like the NHS, but for pets.
00:49:41We just noticed, the longer that she stayed,
00:49:43that she was starting to change shape.
00:49:46Oh, Rosie, what you been up to?
00:49:49You're looking big, Rosie.
00:49:51When's those babies come in?
00:49:52She looks like she's fit to birth.
00:49:53I tell you what, they could book her in for one of those 4D scans
00:49:56down at window to the womb.
00:49:57Man out.
00:49:58In the last couple of hours, Rosie started getting quite restless.
00:50:01She's digging, she's panting.
00:50:02She started with her contractions as well.
00:50:04Oh, she's in labour. Poor Rosie.
00:50:07Really, the dad should be there.
00:50:09Cold flannel on the head.
00:50:10Holding her paws.
00:50:14Looks like she's making a nest, Mary.
00:50:16She can't get comfortable, bless her.
00:50:18Come on, Rosie girl.
00:50:21Oh, she's got one.
00:50:22I should give birth.
00:50:24Oh!
00:50:25She may have had a surprise puppy.
00:50:27She has.
00:50:28That just come out of nowhere, did it?
00:50:30Eh?
00:50:32See, they don't make no fuss, bless them.
00:50:33They just get on with it.
00:50:36Oh!
00:50:41Right, here we go.
00:50:42Oh, she's doing another one.
00:50:43I don't want to watch this, Mary.
00:50:45Give me a nightmare.
00:50:45OK, look away.
00:50:48Oh, fucking hell.
00:50:50Jesus.
00:50:51Oh, here we go.
00:50:52Here's another one.
00:50:53How many to go?
00:50:55Oh, I'm going again.
00:50:56There's another one.
00:50:57Number three.
00:50:59A third puppy is born.
00:51:00Oh, what's that colour?
00:51:02Sammy's not right.
00:51:02It's left struggling in the amniotic sack.
00:51:05It's still in the bag.
00:51:06The puppy needs help.
00:51:08Get the sack off it.
00:51:08A fourth puppy arrives,
00:51:11distracting Rosie from the puppy in distress.
00:51:13Look, she's not even realised that that dog's there.
00:51:16She's feeding the others now.
00:51:18She didn't even spot this one.
00:51:23Oh, no.
00:51:24It's not moving.
00:51:25Come on, come on.
00:51:27It's gasping for breath.
00:51:28Oh, no.
00:51:29Gasping for air.
00:51:30Oh, wow.
00:51:31Rosie's puppy needs urgent medical intervention.
00:51:34Oh, I don't like this.
00:51:36Oh, my God.
00:51:36Don't say that.
00:51:37This puppy might not even make it.
00:51:39And has to go to the nearest vet's practice,
00:51:42almost two miles away.
00:51:44Get your foot down!
00:51:45Do you know who I'll be ringing for this?
00:51:47Mum.
00:51:47Because she drives like a loo, doesn't she?
00:51:50She's got an emergency vet run, Mum.
00:51:53Yeah.
00:51:53Everywhere in first gate.
00:51:56It's 60.
00:51:58It's now been over an hour since Rosie's sick puppy was taken for emergency treatment.
00:52:03Oh, please.
00:52:05Come on, little puppy.
00:52:09Oh, oh.
00:52:10It's coming back!
00:52:12Oh!
00:52:15It seems to be alive.
00:52:19It's alive, look!
00:52:20Oh, no, it's alive!
00:52:22Look at that.
00:52:25Bloody hell, look at the size of him now.
00:52:27You grow up fast.
00:52:29She's been a really great man, very attentive.
00:52:32She's like this.
00:52:32Fuck off.
00:52:33Somebody take these kids for a walk.
00:52:35Just give me five minutes' peace.
00:52:37You can't beat a happy ending, can you?
00:52:40No, you can't.
00:52:44In Leeds...
00:52:45Christmas.
00:52:46What are you doing for dinner?
00:52:47Eating food.
00:52:48Right.
00:52:50You know, a conversation between two people, a dialogue.
00:52:53Yeah.
00:52:53You know, when it flows.
00:52:54Yeah.
00:52:54That didn't flow.
00:52:55So, you know, when I say what you're doing for Christmas dinner, this is when you say,
00:52:58I'm going to X, Y, Z.
00:53:00No, I'm eating food.
00:53:01I've been on dates like that.
00:53:02Best friends, Danielle and Daniella.
00:53:06What?
00:53:06Do you want the detail?
00:53:07Yes.
00:53:07Where are you going for Christmas dinner?
00:53:09I'm going to my mum's.
00:53:10Okay.
00:53:10We're having Christmas dinner.
00:53:13I don't know what more you want from me.
00:53:15What are you doing after?
00:53:17Probably sleeping.
00:53:18Are you seeing your brother?
00:53:20Oh, yeah.
00:53:20On Boxing Day.
00:53:21Boxing Day, I'm going to go to my brother's and my brother-in-law's and we're going to eat
00:53:25more food.
00:53:26What does anybody else do at Christmas?
00:53:28You just eat.
00:53:29Yeah.
00:53:29Eat, drink and be merry.
00:53:30I'm just eating and be merry.
00:53:32Skipping the drink.
00:53:34Yeah.
00:53:34Eat, drink and be merry.
00:53:35I think I might carry that off for 2024 as well.
00:53:37I mean, you did it in 2023.
00:53:39I've been doing it since 1983, to be honest.
00:53:41I'm not going to stop it now.
00:53:43This Christmas, we were treated to the latest installment from our favourite little action
00:53:48hero.
00:53:49Why is this a Christmas film anyway?
00:53:51What?
00:53:51Mission Impossible?
00:53:52Yeah.
00:53:54Because Tom Cruise, he looks like an elf.
00:53:56He's quite small.
00:53:57He'll fit in your stocking.
00:54:04He's throwing a grenade.
00:54:10Oh, I don't like the way the image has changed.
00:54:14Older style people don't like this notice.
00:54:16It's like strobe.
00:54:17Right, back off.
00:54:24You'd love to be a spy.
00:54:26How do you know he's not?
00:54:28Because he can't discuss it.
00:54:30He'd be the perfect spy.
00:54:31No one would guess that George is a spy.
00:54:37In this one, Ellie, Tom Cruise has got to track down a key to shut down a rogue AI.
00:54:42Very of its time, don't you think?
00:54:44In the film, Tom was trying to catch the baddies on a runaway train.
00:54:51The Australian Alps.
00:54:53I've never been there, you know.
00:54:54Austrian Australia Alps.
00:54:59So, Grace is on that train.
00:55:01She's actually trying to stop the sale of an AI weapon key.
00:55:08Talk to me, Benji!
00:55:09He's got no helmet on.
00:55:11He's asking for trouble.
00:55:12He is a helmet.
00:55:13That's why he doesn't need one.
00:55:15No need to worry, Ethan.
00:55:16The train is on schedule and you're a few minutes early, so we have plenty of time.
00:55:19You're never too early for trains.
00:55:21That time disappears, isn't it, once you've got a sausage roll, your newspaper.
00:55:28You're going the wrong way.
00:55:29I missed the train.
00:55:30You missed the train.
00:55:31How did you miss the train?
00:55:33Oh, we've all been there.
00:55:34Great, what are we going to do?
00:55:35Don't panic.
00:55:36I'm going after him.
00:55:37You just get me on that train.
00:55:38Don't panic.
00:55:39I look a dick in these goggles, but do not panic.
00:55:43It's like the greatest kick, this bit, look.
00:55:45Come to me, Benji!
00:55:47You just stay on the trailer on now and I will direct you.
00:55:51I can't be!
00:55:52Go into that big wooded area and up that mountain
00:55:54and I'll let you know how you're getting on.
00:55:58I don't think we're going to see Julie Andrews in this film.
00:56:06Oh, yes!
00:56:09Benji, I see you going.
00:56:11Oh, God, I feel sick.
00:56:13I must have made a wrong turn somewhere.
00:56:15No, no, that's it.
00:56:16That's it.
00:56:17That is it.
00:56:17How can this be it?
00:56:19Well, you can see the train, right?
00:56:20Where is the train?
00:56:22Yes, I see the train.
00:56:24What about it?
00:56:24In the middle of the two mountains, that's the train.
00:56:27And you have a parachute.
00:56:28Oh, he's got to jump, love.
00:56:30As it happens, look, we'll have it.
00:56:32I have got my parachute on today.
00:56:33I've got to get away from this mountain.
00:56:37There it is, the ledge.
00:56:42I hope he's got gap insurance for the finance on that.
00:56:47Go on, Tom.
00:56:53Oh, that's terrific.
00:56:54Oh, wow.
00:56:59Is that real?
00:57:00Oh, my word.
00:57:02Oh, let's have a look at his face.
00:57:05Did you make it?
00:57:06Are you OK?
00:57:07I'm trying to jump away from this mountain.
00:57:10Why does he look so funny?
00:57:16Why did he look like that?
00:57:18Because he could have controlled the velocity of the wind.
00:57:22Like, apparently, he has to look cool now
00:57:25when he's jumping off a cliff as well.
00:57:28Oh, my God.
00:57:29Your expectations are so high.
00:57:32You get the ick from that, innit?
00:57:35You're like, he and not Iron Man.
00:57:40That stun is unbelievable.
00:57:42That has never made me want to parachute less.
00:57:45Yeah, I know.
00:57:45I don't want to be parachuting any time soon.
00:57:50Meanwhile, back in the train...
00:58:00I see the train!
00:58:02I don't think I'm going to make it!
00:58:04How the hell is Tom Cruise going to get on a high-speed moving train
00:58:07from throwing himself off a mountain?
00:58:17She's putting the key on the table.
00:58:19Oh, that's an odd key.
00:58:20Don't think Timpsons would cut that.
00:58:23Kill her.
00:58:25Kill her?
00:58:26She's just giving you the key!
00:58:31No, there's only one thing that's going to stop him, man.
00:58:35Yeah!
00:58:36Ooh, that's Tom.
00:58:38He saved her life there, didn't he?
00:58:43Tom's just trying to figure out what day of the week it is.
00:58:46Ah, it's Jalemba.
00:58:48Ethan!
00:58:48There you go!
00:58:52Crying out loud!
00:58:53God, that parachute's doing him all the favours, isn't it?
00:58:55I know, Jesus!
00:58:58Are you OK?
00:58:59Yeah, I'm OK.
00:59:00I'm all right.
00:59:01We're all OK.
00:59:01Are you all right?
00:59:02Are you OK?
00:59:04Look, we ain't got time for catch-ups.
00:59:06There's a rogue AI on the loose, a key on the floor,
00:59:09baddies on the train.
00:59:10Are you OK?
00:59:11Yeah, I'm fine.
00:59:12Let's go to coach C and get a brew
00:59:13and a couple of bickies, eh?
00:59:16Two hot dishwaters and some Highland shortbread plays.
00:59:20That'll be 1895.
00:59:23More stunned about that.
00:59:33In Blackpool.
00:59:34I'll tell you what, Sophie,
00:59:35you won't believe this, what Paige wants us to do.
00:59:37What?
00:59:37She wants us to go out with a carol singing.
00:59:40Oh.
00:59:40There's not a chance I'm doing it round here.
00:59:42We'll do it down south when we go back and see her family.
00:59:44Yeah.
00:59:45Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
00:59:47Go on, then.
00:59:48What have you got?
00:59:49I'll do that on the face of Stephen one.
00:59:52Mm.
00:59:54One second.
00:59:55Mm.
01:00:15That's wrong.
01:00:16You want to learn to read before you're learning the lyrics, pal.
01:00:21I'm a bloke.
01:00:23I can't multitask.
01:00:24I can't read and sing.
01:00:26I can't read.
01:00:27Over the festive period, we've settled down to a classic Christmas rom-com on Sky.
01:00:32This is just Christmas, this film.
01:00:35It is just the epitome of Christmas.
01:00:37Right, OK.
01:00:38I suppose one good thing to be said for a Christmas film is at least not going to be gangs
01:00:43of axemen, innit?
01:00:45Killing kids.
01:00:45Axemen?
01:00:46Yeah.
01:01:14Do you know what?
01:01:16Wives and family and stuff?
01:01:18See, Mia is his new PA and she's a bit of a temptress.
01:01:21She's got ax for him, you know.
01:01:22She's got the ax for him.
01:01:24I'll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
01:01:27Oh, that basically said you can kiss me under the Christmas tree if you want.
01:01:31And the rest.
01:01:32But he's married, though.
01:01:33Well, that's out of order.
01:01:34I'm sorry.
01:01:35I know, but I don't think Mia cares.
01:01:37How's the Christmas party going?
01:01:38Good.
01:01:39I think I found a venue.
01:01:40A friend of mine works there.
01:01:41Oh, here we go.
01:01:42Here's where she starts wafting a beaver at him.
01:01:44Full of dark corners, fool.
01:01:46Doing dark deeds.
01:01:51She's doing a, what's it called, Nutty?
01:01:53That's the actress.
01:01:55Scissoring.
01:01:56No, not scissoring.
01:01:57Sharon Stone.
01:01:58Yeah, Sharon Stone.
01:02:00Good.
01:02:00Well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something.
01:02:03You should.
01:02:04Christ.
01:02:05She's putting it on a bloody plate for him, isn't she?
01:02:07Yeah, she is, isn't she?
01:02:11He's having his head turned a bit, Nutty, isn't he?
01:02:15And his.
01:02:16What?
01:02:17Pelvis.
01:02:18Oh, Mary.
01:02:22Is this the party time, yeah?
01:02:24See, this is where it all goes wrong.
01:02:25Yeah, this is where the dark corners are.
01:02:27I suppose I'd better go and do the beauty round.
01:02:29You'll see.
01:02:31Oh, so Adi's brought his missus to the party.
01:02:34Oh, right.
01:02:34Emma Thompson.
01:02:35Yeah.
01:02:38Oh, there she is.
01:02:40Any chance of a dance with the boss?
01:02:41Any chance of a dance with it?
01:02:43No.
01:02:43All I need help me.
01:02:45Is he actually going to dance with that?
01:02:47He's basically about to dance with the devil here.
01:02:49Literally.
01:02:50Baby, I'm too.
01:02:52I'm still doing you.
01:02:53Is he a fucking divvy?
01:02:55What's he doing?
01:02:57His wife's right there.
01:02:59Stupid bastard.
01:03:03Look at her face, she doesn't look impressed.
01:03:05Lady of class Emma Thompson, because I would not handle this well.
01:03:13Mia's very pretty.
01:03:14Oh, she's testing waters there.
01:03:17He's Karen.
01:03:19Is she?
01:03:20Oh, he tried to disregard her.
01:03:22And what is she?
01:03:23Dear.
01:03:23Huh?
01:03:24This is where, now, she knows that he knows and he knows that she knows.
01:03:28Yeah.
01:03:29That there's more than meets the eye.
01:03:31Exactly.
01:03:32Be careful there.
01:03:34She's not daft, is she, Karen?
01:03:35A warning shot has been fired.
01:03:37Keep your cock in your pants, or I'll rip it off.
01:03:41Right, back at three.
01:03:43Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task.
01:03:46Are you going to get me something?
01:03:47She's after presents, Mia, the cheeky devil.
01:03:49She's very naughty, isn't she?
01:03:53Alan Rickman.
01:03:56What are you saying Alan Rickman for?
01:03:58Right, well, listen, you keep yourself up for ten minutes
01:04:00while I go and do the boy stuff for my mother's.
01:04:04He's thinking about what to get Mia, isn't he?
01:04:06She's shopping for his mother, and he's shopping for his fancy woman.
01:04:14He's not buying no jewellery, is he?
01:04:16He better not be.
01:04:17Could you imagine going, as a jewellery accountant going...
01:04:19Do you know what I mean?
01:04:24Looking for anything in particular, sir?
01:04:26Oh, look who it is.
01:04:27Mr Bean!
01:04:30That necklace there, how much is it?
01:04:32It's £270.
01:04:33Do not spend £270 on Mia, Harry.
01:04:37Do not do it.
01:04:38Erm, all right, I'll have it.
01:04:40That didn't take a lot of persuading.
01:04:42This isn't going to end well, is it?
01:04:44No.
01:04:44No.
01:04:46Explain to me again why you're so late.
01:04:47Oh, I haven't said woman.
01:04:49Woman, Natty, I haven't called you woman for ages.
01:04:51You've never called me woman.
01:04:53But my father called my mother woman.
01:04:56Let's revive the...
01:04:57Let's revive the term of endearment, Natty.
01:05:00No, thanks.
01:05:01Let me call you woman more afterwards.
01:05:02No, I don't want to be called woman.
01:05:04We've been waiting for hours.
01:05:05It's the first day of a preview.
01:05:07Oh, hang on.
01:05:08Oh, she's looking in his pocket, Liv.
01:05:16Oh, no.
01:05:17Karen thinks it's for her.
01:05:19Well, her Christmas is going to be pissed on, isn't it?
01:05:21One present only each tonight.
01:05:23Who's got one for Dad?
01:05:24Present opening.
01:05:25So Karen's going to be expecting that necklace.
01:05:28Well, of course she will.
01:05:29I want...
01:05:33She knows.
01:05:34She knows what size box she's looking for.
01:05:36Yep.
01:05:42Oh, no!
01:05:43Not quite what she had in mind, was it, Mary?
01:05:46It's a CD.
01:05:47Jenny Mitchell? Wow.
01:05:49Nah.
01:05:49He's mugged her off.
01:05:50Wow.
01:05:51That's great!
01:05:52Do you know the worst part as well is that she pretends to like it in front of everybody?
01:05:56Mm?
01:05:56Kids go and play in your rooms.
01:05:59You two are tired bedtime.
01:06:01It's bedtime for you, too.
01:06:02I'm just going to tear a couple of stripes off you now.
01:06:05Because he's a cheating lion bastard.
01:06:07OK, good night.
01:06:09Don't let them know.
01:06:12Don't give yourself away.
01:06:15Oh, look!
01:06:17Oh, God love her.
01:06:18You actually can feel her heart fall out of an arse.
01:06:21Yeah.
01:06:22Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
01:06:26Is she going to call them out right here, right now?
01:06:29Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and, come Christmas, gave it to somebody else.
01:06:35Good.
01:06:36I would do that.
01:06:37Well done, Karen.
01:06:38Just say it out.
01:06:39Just say it.
01:06:39Would you stay?
01:06:41Knowing life would always be a little bit worse.
01:06:44Or would you cut and run?
01:06:45Cut and run!
01:06:46Cut and run!
01:06:47And cut his balls off.
01:06:49God.
01:06:51He feels like such a super dick now.
01:06:54Yeah, his knob is that big.
01:06:55Yeah.
01:06:55He's thinking shit.
01:06:57A classic fool.
01:07:00Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me.
01:07:02Aw.
01:07:04Aw, it's so sad.
01:07:06She's actually too good an actress for this.
01:07:08Yeah.
01:07:09This is traumatic.
01:07:10What she should do is just treat it as a passing phase, Natty.
01:07:14Yeah, but how to stop sperm napping, though?
01:07:17What?
01:07:19Mia will sperm nap him.
01:07:21Sperm napping?
01:07:21Oh, don't be silly.
01:07:22All secretaries do that.
01:07:28The quest for Greg's golden eyebrows sees five willing contestants take on the Taskmaster in his New Year's tree.
01:07:34That's tomorrow night at nine.
01:07:36And a friendship pack leads old friends down a dangerous path in a brand new thriller, True Love, starting this
01:07:41Wednesday night at nine here on Channel 4.
01:07:44Yep, time to go back to using normal days of the week from tomorrow, I'm afraid.
01:07:47But not quite yet.
01:07:49Stay with us for the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2023, coming up next.