- 8 hours ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00You like dressing up, don't you, at Christmas?
00:00:03Yeah.
00:00:04What have you got like that for?
00:00:06What have you got? What am I?
00:00:08It's really good.
00:00:11What the hell is it?
00:00:13Is it a ladybird?
00:00:15No, it's a Christmas jumper, like a top.
00:00:19Well, it's gone Christmas now.
00:00:21Yes, but I ordered it before.
00:00:23Oh, all right.
00:00:23I think it's been round the world before it got here.
00:00:26And I think I thought it would suit you for Christmas.
00:00:29Oh, yeah, thank you very much.
00:00:31For Christmas Day.
00:00:32Oh, it's a bit big, isn't it?
00:00:33No, I got you the big one.
00:00:43You what?
00:00:46You're dry.
00:00:48You'll get this shite down with a spoon.
00:00:52Oh, my God.
00:00:53This is very Alan Partridge, Mary.
00:00:55Oh!
00:00:56David!
00:00:57Oh!
00:00:58I beg your rotted pardon.
00:01:01Oh!
00:01:02Oh!
00:01:02Asparagus!
00:01:03He's dead!
00:01:04Oh!
00:01:06Do you know what you said?
00:01:07He could never come?
00:01:08Oh, yeah.
00:01:08He's got warts.
00:01:10Oh!
00:01:11Oh!
00:01:12What is that?
00:01:13I can't believe they've shown that.
00:01:15Where's his teeth?
00:01:16Please somebody help this lady.
00:01:18He's gonna bloody kill her!
00:01:19Why would you do that?
00:01:20You and I don't carry knives.
00:01:22Oh, shut up.
00:01:23I'm waiting for her to look down the camera and scream.
00:01:26Punk bar and toilet roll!
00:01:29THC, that's what gets you stirred.
00:01:32Over the festive season, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:01:39Channel 4 showed us behind the scenes of a fast food giant.
00:01:43I also like the chicken minis, the little mini fillets so that I can dip them in my gravy.
00:01:49And the chips, I like the fries with the gravy as well.
00:01:52Recently, we've been getting something called slaw.
00:01:56Slaw.
00:01:56Oh, don't say it!
00:01:58Any word beginning with S.
00:02:00Please.
00:02:01Slaw.
00:02:02Oh!
00:02:03How are we gonna get through Christmas if everything I say with an S, Mary, you have that reaction?
00:02:09Cooking legend Fanny Craddock took it back to basics on BBC4.
00:02:14This is a few walnuts going in.
00:02:16And then the flour, which is mixed with corn flour.
00:02:19And I want you to have one decent piece of cake and I think we can all save and sacrifice
00:02:23for that.
00:02:24I mean, this is basically going back to a post-Brexit era, isn't it?
00:02:27Mm.
00:02:28You know, to show us how we are gonna be living in the near future.
00:02:31Yeah.
00:02:31No mango fingers and smashed avo for this lot.
00:02:34Definitely not.
00:02:35And Macaulay Culkin got left behind again in a Christmas movie classic.
00:02:42Are you sure your family's on this flight?
00:02:43Yeah, my dad ran in here right before I bumped into this lady.
00:02:47Okay.
00:02:48Bored him.
00:02:49I'll tell you what, if Kevin was a Mohammed, they wouldn't allow this to happen.
00:02:52Yeah.
00:02:53Abdul McAllister.
00:02:55No way.
00:03:03In Manchester...
00:03:04Stay there.
00:03:04Stay!
00:03:05This is fell off.
00:03:06This is the yearly album photo.
00:03:08Stay!
00:03:09Stay!
00:03:09Stay there.
00:03:09The Malones.
00:03:10Stay.
00:03:11Good doggies.
00:03:12Look towards me a bit.
00:03:13Duggies.
00:03:13Look towards me a bit.
00:03:15Duggies.
00:03:15Look towards me a bit.
00:03:15Stay.
00:03:17Right, look into the distance.
00:03:18Right, look sexy.
00:03:20Right, now look amused.
00:03:22Yay!
00:03:23Bobby, stop licking your arse.
00:03:24Bobby!
00:03:25Oh, Jesus, he's down.
00:03:27That'll do.
00:03:27Just before Christmas, ITV had our pulses racing, all in aid of charity.
00:03:34Here we go.
00:03:35I bloody love this.
00:03:37We always get so excited about this, Ellie, because we're just dying for a glimpse of a cock.
00:03:43The real full Monty on ice!
00:03:46Jesus, there's gonna be some cold bits, ain't there?
00:03:49How are they gonna get their legs past the blades?
00:03:52How are they gonna take their trousers off?
00:03:53Oh, it's the rib-on-chabs, isn't it?
00:03:55Yeah.
00:03:56Just imagine, you couldn't have left on the stool, isn't it?
00:03:59Taking the skate off.
00:04:01Oh, he's smoother than what, isn't he?
00:04:08Ashley Banjo.
00:04:09God, he can skate, he can dance.
00:04:12Thank you, every team.
00:04:14Welcome to the real full Monty on ice.
00:04:17Do they have a women's team and a men's team?
00:04:19Yeah, but it's mixed this year.
00:04:21Mixed?
00:04:22They're all getting it nuddy-mingled together.
00:04:24On ice.
00:04:24You are joking.
00:04:26There's gonna be tics everywhere, isn't there?
00:04:27Tics and bits everywhere.
00:04:33Here we go.
00:04:35Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
00:04:37I can't believe these people are taking their clothes off.
00:04:40On ice.
00:04:41They've probably dreamt all their lives of doing it.
00:04:45Bring it on!
00:04:47Can you do that move?
00:04:48Yeah.
00:04:58Oh, yeah.
00:05:00And they will make these, lad.
00:05:06Yeah, I've got this.
00:05:07That's what I did in the supermarket.
00:05:10I heard the music.
00:05:12Come on, I was like this.
00:05:22I'm enjoying this.
00:05:23I can see, I'm sure.
00:05:31I'll tell you what.
00:05:31The tops have come off a bit quick, can't they?
00:05:37Oh, they've all got good bodies, haven't they?
00:05:39Oh, which one out of that line-up is it?
00:05:42Oh, I'd have to go for all of them!
00:05:50Look at that bull jelly!
00:05:51Fuckin' hell!
00:05:52They're not hanging about, are they?
00:05:56Look at that bull jelly!
00:05:58Posing pouches, I think they're called.
00:06:00Oh!
00:06:02Oh!
00:06:07Jesus, I didn't wanna see that!
00:06:09Fuckin' hell!
00:06:09Get out!
00:06:10We can see what you have for lunch, though.
00:06:14Oh, who's the ladies?
00:06:16Come on, girls!
00:06:20If they're gonna show their boobies, we wanna see Willy's.
00:06:23We want a bit of ball sack.
00:06:28Oh!
00:06:29The thongs are off!
00:06:31Oh, this is made more Christmas, this ass.
00:06:34You see, if I whipped mine off, a load of socks would come falling out.
00:06:39In a miniature paparazzi!
00:06:44Right, here they go.
00:06:46Sorry, girls, I'm not looking at you for the minute.
00:06:49They've literally got nothing on, have they?
00:06:56Yes!
00:06:57They've actually got the knobs out!
00:07:02Jesus, he's having the right wobble there, aren't he?
00:07:04Oh, look at that bastard!
00:07:06Look at him, wiggling.
00:07:07No one asked him to wiggle, did they?
00:07:09No.
00:07:10This lot have got shits all on Magic Mike.
00:07:12You can touch.
00:07:14No!
00:07:15They don't get chopsy out, but you can touch.
00:07:18Not, not, not, not.
00:07:19I'm not being funny, how much is a ticket?
00:07:22I don't know, well, depends where you sit.
00:07:25About 100 notes.
00:07:26Fuckin', I'd wanna be touching the full lot for 100 notes!
00:07:32In Wiltshire...
00:07:33Can I show you my present today?
00:07:35If you have to.
00:07:36That I got from a girlfriend.
00:07:37Giles and his wife, Mary.
00:07:40My girlfriend bought me this, Mary.
00:07:42All right, she's not my girlfriend, she's another husband's wife.
00:07:47Who I'm very fond of, but not in that way at all.
00:07:51I know that.
00:07:52We're just friends.
00:07:53I know that, Giles.
00:07:54It's platonic, Mary.
00:07:55Do you know what that means?
00:07:57Platonic.
00:07:59I know what moronic is.
00:08:02On Christmas Eve, BBC One entertained us with a load of festive whoppers.
00:08:08Will you leave the baubles alone?
00:08:09I was just checking if it was all right.
00:08:11Cup of tea coming in?
00:08:12And I brought a biscuit, because a cup of tea's too wet without a biscuit, isn't it?
00:08:16One.
00:08:17Plus it's Christmas and we'll have a biscuit.
00:08:21Would I lie to you?
00:08:22I love this.
00:08:23Oh, it's David Mitchell.
00:08:25He's always on this.
00:08:26Well, he's one of the captains.
00:08:28That's why.
00:08:32I love this, Lee.
00:08:33Would I lie to you?
00:08:34What is it?
00:08:35They're on a panel.
00:08:36You have to guess whether they're telling the truth or the lying.
00:08:40That's, you know, it comes in the title, Would I Lie to You?
00:08:45Well, I don't know.
00:08:46I've never heard of it before.
00:08:50Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You at Christmas.
00:08:54A very special edition filled with festive fibs on Lee Mack's team tonight.
00:08:58Look at Lee Mack.
00:08:59He's looking quite dishy with his beard, don't you think?
00:09:02Yeah, he looks hot.
00:09:03Nana loves him.
00:09:04Nana loves him.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:06He's a cheeky chapper.
00:09:07It's one for the nannas.
00:09:08An ex-EastEnders star.
00:09:10Ooh, have I got it, yeah?
00:09:11It's Joe Swash.
00:09:13Oh, it's Joe Swash, yeah.
00:09:15Cushty, innit, yeah.
00:09:17Cockney, yeah.
00:09:18Tell you what, he's gone to town on the old fake town for Crimbo, ain't he?
00:09:23I fancied Joe Swash when he was in EastEnders when he was with K.
00:09:26Joe Lycett is first tonight.
00:09:29Oh, yes, okay.
00:09:29Oh, I love Joe Lycett.
00:09:31I don't know whether Joe will be a good liar or not.
00:09:34I think he'll burst out laughing if he's telling a lie.
00:09:36No, I think he'll be good.
00:09:38Yeah?
00:09:38I think he'll be good at the bit of, er, birthing bullshitting, yeah.
00:09:41Last Christmas, the biggest family row in the Lycett household was over how many doof-doofs...
00:09:45Doof-doofs?
00:09:46..there are in the EastEnders closing theme tune.
00:09:48This would definitely start an argument in our house, innit?
00:09:51Yeah, it's believable.
00:09:52EastEnders is on about the time where you've had a belly full of turkey, you know.
00:09:56Yeah, skin full.
00:09:57You're pissed.
00:09:57Yeah.
00:09:59Someone's looking for an argument and that would be right for the picking.
00:10:02Yeah.
00:10:02I never actually got myself a doof-doof.
00:10:04Oh, no!
00:10:05I was there for six years, no doof-doof.
00:10:07Oh, he never got a cliffhanger!
00:10:09See, it's a thing, the doof-doof.
00:10:10Is it?
00:10:11Everybody knows about the doof-doof.
00:10:13How many doof-doofs did your family decide there were?
00:10:15Do you know how many there is, innit?
00:10:17Doof-doof.
00:10:17Do-do-do-doof-doof.
00:10:19Doof-doof.
00:10:20I reckon ten.
00:10:21Me and my sister thought there were eight.
00:10:24Well, there's more than eight.
00:10:25Doof-doof-doof.
00:10:26Doof-doof-doof-doof-doof.
00:10:27No, why are you?
00:10:28Doof-doof-doof-dof-doof-doof-doof.
00:10:31Doof?
00:10:32No, doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom...
00:10:38do-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom.
00:10:41Oh, my God...
00:10:42That is name pulp.
00:10:43My parents thought there were seven.
00:10:46There's seven!
00:10:47Right, I'll do it, you do the fingers.
00:10:49Right.
00:10:50Do-do-do-do-do-doom-doom-doom-do-doom.
00:10:52Seven.
00:10:53Do we really care how many bloody doofs there are?
00:10:57Oh my god
00:11:06He said he was in it
00:11:09But the point is not for you to actually answer how many there is
00:11:12That's true, but the fact that I'm even thinking about it tells you is very believable. I think he's lying
00:11:18I do I'm gonna have to say like oh they think he's lying. Okay, Joe Lycett truth or lie do
00:11:24do
00:11:27It's a lie
00:11:30So his family didn't know
00:11:32And Joe swash there's a treat for you because you said you've never had a doof-doof. We're gonna give
00:11:37you one tonight
00:11:40Now we find out how many doof-doofs are up. He's in my baby. Oh
00:11:47No, there's more
00:11:56My head's battered after watching that. Imagine that EastEnders has been on for over 30 years
00:12:02And I didn't know there was nine doof-doofs
00:12:05No
00:12:12In Blackpool just be careful. We shut up
00:12:17Pops a bottle before Pete and his little sister Sophie
00:12:21Careful
00:12:22I can't get it out
00:12:23Use your hands. Don't be fine. No, my light fittings
00:12:28What my light fittings?
00:12:30Peter
00:12:31Peter
00:12:32Do you want me to do it?
00:12:37Do you want me to do it? Finish it off then
00:12:44I did all the odd bit
00:12:46I did the odd bit
00:12:49I admit that I did the odd bit
00:12:51Yeah, of course you did
00:12:53This Christmas one of the nation's fast-food favorites opened its doors to Channel 4
00:13:00I love a behind-the-scenes program
00:13:02A places that we know and love
00:13:04Hmm. Oh, you can't be a good KFC
00:13:07Keep a lookout for Colonel Sanders Mary. Do you remember what he looked like?
00:13:11Yeah
00:13:12Bearded and fat
00:13:17Look at that
00:13:19With over 960 restaurants across the UK and Ireland
00:13:25960?
00:13:26I knew they were big. I didn't think they were that big
00:13:28With 2020 being the year to forget
00:13:30KFC had to change their slogan for Covid, didn't they?
00:13:33Yeah
00:13:33Instead of its finger-licking good, it's good
00:13:37KFC want to end the year on a high
00:13:41Merry clucking Christmas, Mary, it said
00:13:43Did you look merry clucking Christmas?
00:13:46Yes, yes, I can see it's not that funny or interesting
00:13:50I want KFC inside me at Christmas
00:13:52Do you know what I like about it? You eat it with your fingers
00:13:55That's just what I love about it
00:13:57Everything you get
00:13:58Jenny, Jenny, if you could eat soup with your fingers you would
00:14:00I would eat it
00:14:02In the program, we got a sneak peek into an exciting new recipe idea
00:14:07Over at HQ
00:14:09Our proposal is that we make this Christmas a real celebration of one of KFC's most iconic products
00:14:16Ooh, what's that?
00:14:17Chicken
00:14:19I'm talking, of course, about KFC gravy
00:14:22Gravy?
00:14:22What? Gravy?
00:14:23Oh, the gravy
00:14:25To be fair, KFC's gravy is beautiful
00:14:27They need sign off on their latest invention
00:14:30A festive burger designed to be filled with gravy
00:14:34What?
00:14:35A burger with gravy
00:14:37I don't like the sound of that
00:14:38What is not to like about that?
00:14:40Cheese, hash brown, KFC gravy, chicken fillet
00:14:45How crispy and nice does that look?
00:14:47We're going to have a new hash brown that has got a well in the middle
00:14:50Oh, a little hash brown belt
00:14:52Yeah
00:14:53It cups that gravy and keeps it on top and really hopefully will deliver that gravy flavour through every bite
00:15:00That's actually clever
00:15:01This is something I can get on board with
00:15:03Somebody who considers gravy soakage
00:15:06Mmm
00:15:07In your head you're thinking
00:15:08God, that tastes like chicken gravy
00:15:10I'm done
00:15:12He's got gravy in his beard
00:15:14Gravy beard
00:15:15Gravy beard
00:15:18Look, it's dripping all over
00:15:20That'd be me
00:15:21They're sat at the table
00:15:22Imagine being sat in your car like that going
00:15:23Oh, you bastard
00:15:27In another scene
00:15:28They took us to one of the branches to see how gravy was made on the front line
00:15:33Team member Anne is in charge of gravy production
00:15:36This is the lovely kitchen
00:15:39Head of gravy, Anne
00:15:40I like that
00:15:41Imagine being the head of the gravy making
00:15:44That's funny
00:15:45Buckshaw sell twice the amount of gravy than the average KFC store
00:15:50Shifting 700 litres of gravy a week
00:15:52Jesus
00:15:53700 litres
00:15:56I bet Anne's absolutely rushed off her feet
00:15:59Fucking hell
00:16:00Can't be quick enough here
00:16:01This fucking gravy
00:16:03How big is Anne's whisk?
00:16:04I get all my instruments
00:16:05I get my jug
00:16:08My crackling
00:16:09The lovely crackling
00:16:11What's that?
00:16:12That's not the gravy
00:16:13Jesus, that looks horrific
00:16:15This is why I don't eat gravy
00:16:16This is why I don't eat gravy
00:16:19Crackling is the leftovers from the bottom of the chicken fryers
00:16:22Oh, are you supposed to throw that away?
00:16:25I do
00:16:25That's the tastiest bit
00:16:27My mouth's watering at that
00:16:28Fat from the fryer
00:16:29So you get your juices off your chicken
00:16:32No
00:16:33That looks like something Gillian McKeith would be fun for me
00:16:37Let me have a look through you pig
00:16:38Whisk it up
00:16:41It's lumpy with bits
00:16:42I don't like lumpy gravy
00:16:44Oh, I wish I hadn't seen that
00:16:46And then we just pop it in the microwave
00:16:50Microwave?
00:16:50I'm actually traumatised now
00:16:52How do you feel?
00:16:52It's still great though
00:16:55Later, it was time to see if the burger was a big hit with the public
00:17:00Hi Lucas, Casey Drive
00:17:01Oh, here we go
00:17:02One car coming in here now
00:17:03See if they want gravy
00:17:04What's the first person going to have?
00:17:06Another
00:17:06Can I have a large chicken wing meal, please?
00:17:11Large chicken wing meal
00:17:13Is that no gravy?
00:17:13No gravy
00:17:14Can I have two mini fillets and a large Pepsi?
00:17:17Oh, no
00:17:18Fillets, no burger
00:17:19Hello, can I have it?
00:17:21Can I have a big mad kid?
00:17:23A Zinger Tower burger meal, please
00:17:25Zinger!
00:17:26It's not happening
00:17:27Nobody's ordering it
00:17:28Can I have a chicken sandwich, please?
00:17:31Hey
00:17:31What are you on about?
00:17:32Would that be the one with the gravy about hash brown?
00:17:36The gravy burger
00:17:38I don't think the gravy burger would be one for me
00:17:40Is anyone even going to order this?
00:17:43I'm actually wondering
00:17:43That one looks good, isn't it?
00:17:46Oh, she's looking at the gravy burger
00:17:48Oh, she's thinking about it
00:17:49Oh, she's going for the gravy box meal
00:17:51Come on, love
00:17:52I don't want to say the word but it looks moist
00:17:54It is moist, love
00:17:56Have we got to take her?
00:17:58Can I get the gravy burger box meal, please?
00:18:00Yay!
00:18:03Yes!
00:18:03Finally!
00:18:07There she goes
00:18:08Toasters
00:18:12Oh, she likes it
00:18:14And stood at the bonnet of the cola
00:18:18What do you think of the gravy?
00:18:20It's definitely northern
00:18:23Do you ever come up with this? It's northern
00:18:24A northern burger for a northern lass
00:18:27Kentucky fried chicken
00:18:30Do you know what?
00:18:31I just feel like shall we get a KFC now?
00:18:34Yes
00:18:35Yes
00:18:36Yes
00:18:38In County Durham
00:18:39What are you doing?
00:18:41I'm going to hang this picture
00:18:42What picture?
00:18:43This pastel drawing of you and me
00:18:45Are you joking?
00:18:47The one that we've had for ages and I wouldn't have up?
00:18:49Am
00:18:50And her husband, Ken
00:18:51I'm going to hang it up somewhere
00:18:54Oh, no
00:18:54No, I don't want that up
00:18:56It's good
00:18:56It's not
00:18:57It's not
00:18:58No, I'm not
00:18:59Don't try it against the wall
00:19:00Because it's not going up
00:19:02So don't even bother
00:19:03I mean, it doesn't even look like you
00:19:05Although it might have done a thousand years ago
00:19:07Your eyes don't look the same
00:19:09They do
00:19:10It's you
00:19:10It doesn't look like you
00:19:11It's your mouth
00:19:12I just got a big mouth
00:19:15Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without this musical gem
00:19:19Oh
00:19:22Julie Andrews, nuns and Nazis, what more could you want?
00:19:25I've not watched Sound of Music in so long
00:19:28And I've literally been thinking, I want to watch it, I want to watch it
00:19:32It's about three hours long
00:19:33Yeah, but I love it, I don't care
00:19:36How do you solve a problem like Maria?
00:19:40How do you catch a plan?
00:19:41All right, all right
00:19:42Let's get it on
00:19:42And that will listen to you
00:19:47You can never watch this often enough
00:19:50You sing along, Mary
00:19:51You know I can't sing
00:19:53The hills are alive
00:19:55I was in the Sound of Music at school
00:19:58I was Maria
00:19:59No, you were
00:20:00Yes, I was
00:20:05No, I was Peter
00:20:07Peter
00:20:08Peter
00:20:08Peter
00:20:09Peter
00:20:09Maria I'm sure you did I am 16 going on 17
00:20:18Here we go here we go one white is just a spin. Are you ready?
00:20:28With a sound of music
00:20:33With songs
00:20:35Your two thousand years
00:20:37Yes, you just like the sound your own voice. Shut up
00:20:41The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
00:20:45What's so rare doing you?
00:20:48My heart wants to sing every song it hears
00:20:55You like Julie Andrews, don't you? Who doesn't like Julie Andrews, man?
00:20:59Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins
00:21:02She's all right in this though
00:21:04In one famous scene we saw Julie Andrews teach the Von Trapp kids their very first tune
00:21:12All right, everybody over here. Oh, I feel a song coming on here
00:21:16Fucking hell
00:21:18What are we going to do?
00:21:19Let's think of something to sing for the Baroness when she comes
00:21:22Have you got shibbanged by Ricky Martin on that guitar?
00:21:26For the Baroness
00:21:29Now, what songs do you know?
00:21:31We don't know any songs
00:21:32Good, finish the film there
00:21:33Fucking go
00:21:34You're in the right hands here kids
00:21:36Because Maria, she knows a song or two
00:21:39We don't even know how to sing
00:21:41We don't even know how to sing
00:21:42Me neither, love
00:21:44Don't stop me
00:21:48What do you have me now, kids?
00:21:50HE LAUGHS
00:21:52Let's start at the very beginning
00:21:55Do you remember?
00:21:56You don't
00:21:57I don't know, but
00:21:58It's over
00:21:59Yes, you do
00:22:00When you read, you begin with
00:22:01A, B, C
00:22:03When you sing, you begin with
00:22:05Do, re, mi
00:22:06Do, re, mi
00:22:08Let the kids have a go, Jenny
00:22:10Do, re, mi
00:22:12Do, re, mi
00:22:14Steady
00:22:14Not it
00:22:15Steady, not it
00:22:17Do, re, mi
00:22:19Do, re, mi
00:22:21It's just so wholesome
00:22:24Steady, Mary
00:22:25Oh, stop saying steady
00:22:27Let me enjoy
00:22:29Luxuriating and nostalgia
00:22:34Do, re, mi
00:22:36Do, a deer
00:22:36A female deer
00:22:38Ray, a drop of golden sun
00:22:41Me, a name I call myself
00:22:46Far, a long, long way to run
00:22:50So, a needle pulling prayer
00:22:53La, a note to follow so
00:22:56He's to sing this to you
00:22:59Have I repressed this memory?
00:23:01By any chance?
00:23:03Don't
00:23:04A deer, a female deer
00:23:06Ray
00:23:10Me, a name I call myself
00:23:13Far, a long, long way to run
00:23:16So, a needle pulling thread
00:23:20La, a note to follow so
00:23:23You don't know the lyrics to Do, re, mi
00:23:26You don't know the lyrics to me
00:23:27You don't know the lyrics to me
00:23:28I don't know the lyrics to me
00:23:29Don't you?
00:23:30You're not a proper guy
00:23:32Me, a name I call myself
00:23:36Far, a long, long way to run
00:23:39I would have been prancing around Austria in a circle skirt
00:23:42And a smock
00:23:43You'd look around that cow
00:23:45So, a needle pulling thread
00:23:48La, a note to follow so
00:23:51Little simple and complicated childhood
00:23:55That will bring us back to you
00:23:57That my children don't have because of the internet
00:24:00La, they don't start
00:24:10In Leeds
00:24:11Oh, they are a bit sweaty
00:24:13The ones that I've got are soft on inside
00:24:15It must be like Grimsby Docks when you take them off
00:24:19No, it's not
00:24:21Sisters Ellie and Izzy
00:24:24Grant said to me when
00:24:26Izzy, when you can't wear knickers with them
00:24:28You can see them through it
00:24:29I went
00:24:30You can't go commando
00:24:32I can't go commando in a pleather legging
00:24:35But what planet's he on?
00:24:37Planet's rush
00:24:40During the Christmas limbo
00:24:42BBC One amazed us with this
00:24:46I'm so thirsty
00:24:47All the beige and salt and grease and fat I've had
00:24:50Get some water down here
00:24:52I need to rehydrate
00:24:53What are we watching?
00:24:54Penguins
00:24:56Oh, I love penguins
00:24:57You've got penguins in your cup
00:24:59I love a penguin
00:25:00Have you ever tried to stand like a penguin?
00:25:03For many of us
00:25:04This is how we picture penguins
00:25:07I played a penguin once
00:25:08At the nativity
00:25:10You did?
00:25:11I had to learn how to waddle
00:25:12Not easy that actually being a penguin
00:25:14Who knew that they were all pumped?
00:25:17One family
00:25:2018 different faces
00:25:2218 types?
00:25:24Yeah
00:25:24Well I viewed of a rock opera
00:25:26There's emperor
00:25:27Or king
00:25:29King, yeah
00:25:30And Adelaide
00:25:31That's only four
00:25:40That's so cute
00:25:42If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit joint
00:25:46Now is that the penguin ever?
00:25:47No, that's club
00:25:48Oh scene
00:25:50Fuck's sake
00:25:54This is the fastest penguin on the planet
00:25:57I mean, how would you know?
00:25:59Did they race a couple?
00:26:00They're streamlined, aren't they?
00:26:02These are the Usain Bolt of the penguin world
00:26:05The Gentoo
00:26:06The Gentoo penguin
00:26:08I'll have to remember that
00:26:09The fastest penguin on the planet
00:26:11Yeah
00:26:13What do you need that information for?
00:26:15Reaching speeds of 22 miles an hour
00:26:1922 miles an hour
00:26:21Swimming
00:26:22That goes quicker than you
00:26:23When you drive
00:26:24I know
00:26:25Diving as deep as 200 metres
00:26:27And holding their breath
00:26:29For up to seven minutes
00:26:31Seven minutes?
00:26:32Jesus
00:26:33Gosh
00:26:33Shall we try now?
00:26:39Seven seconds, Mary
00:26:45Oh, sick
00:26:46Look at that
00:26:47Oh, look
00:26:47They're flying through the waves
00:26:49I didn't know penguins could fly
00:26:57What the frig's that?
00:26:58It's a fucking whale
00:26:59It's a whale
00:27:01A southern sea lion
00:27:03Sea lion
00:27:04Christ
00:27:04It looks big for a sea lion
00:27:06Sea lions eat penguins
00:27:07Yeah, they do
00:27:12Oh, look at the size of it
00:27:16Oh, God
00:27:17Swim penguins
00:27:20Sea lions are extremely adept in the water
00:27:24Oh, no
00:27:25But they can't quite compete with the Gentoo's agility
00:27:29So in the water
00:27:30These penguins are safe
00:27:32It's when they come onto the land
00:27:36Oh, he's singled one out
00:27:38Like it
00:27:42Oh, look at that big thing coming for him
00:27:44He looks like a villain
00:27:45That sea lion looks like a proper pantomime villain
00:27:51Look at the Gentoo's running for his life
00:27:54The Gentoo's only chance
00:27:56Is to get back to the sea
00:27:58Get back to the sea
00:28:00Get back in the frigging drink
00:28:05Oh, stop
00:28:06Oh, God
00:28:07I can't watch page
00:28:11Oh, no
00:28:13Oh, no
00:28:14Oh, he's got it late
00:28:15Oh, yeah
00:28:16Oh
00:28:18Oh
00:28:18Oh
00:28:19Oh, is he gone?
00:28:20Oh, what a bloody bastard
00:28:39Come on
00:28:40Keep them little arms going, son
00:28:42Oh, look at that big
00:28:42Oh, look
00:28:47Oh, no, no, no
00:28:48Go eat him
00:28:49Go eat him
00:28:51Please go eat him
00:28:52Oh
00:28:53That's whack
00:28:55Oh
00:28:58Nearly at the water's edge, look
00:29:00He nearly made it
00:29:01Fucking hell
00:29:05All his mates have ditched him
00:29:06Can't see them for dust
00:29:08Jimmy's a goner
00:29:09Forget him
00:29:09That'd be my luck, that
00:29:11That was our year
00:29:12Yeah
00:29:12That is 2020
00:29:15So close
00:29:16No
00:29:19Oh, he's done again
00:29:20Go on, go
00:29:20Go on
00:29:24It's made it
00:29:25Oh, yes
00:29:27That penguin is giving that sea lion the runaround
00:29:30Look, yo
00:29:33That would have ruined my Christmas if that penguin got eaten
00:29:36It would have done
00:29:37You're going to see that penguin in a bit
00:29:39Just stood there with about 16 female penguins around him going
00:29:42The sea lion was this big
00:29:44Yeah
00:29:46If he had bigger flippers, that'd show you exactly how big he was
00:29:51London
00:29:52I've got a good idea for this Christmas
00:29:54This is what I was going to do with the boys
00:29:55Go on
00:29:56We're going to do a calendar
00:29:57Like a saucy one in the gym
00:30:00But I was going to be main
00:30:01Marcus and his partner, Misha
00:30:03I was going to do the boxing glove thing
00:30:05Just a boxing glove there
00:30:06So you're nude?
00:30:08Yeah
00:30:08It's a nude calendar
00:30:09Yeah, well, it's not going to be nude
00:30:11Like I'll have a boxing glove
00:30:12I won't use a small glove as well
00:30:14I'll use like a 20 ounce
00:30:15So it covers everything?
00:30:16Yeah
00:30:19More like eight
00:30:21All right, eight, eight ounce
00:30:23In December, BBC4 took us back to the 70s with a right blast from the past
00:30:30Fanny's on the telly
00:30:31Yeah?
00:30:32Fanny's on the telly
00:30:33I think Dad used to like a bit of Fanny
00:30:35I can't remember
00:30:37I would say he still does
00:30:40Nana always used to say about Fanny Craddock
00:30:42Who does she think she is?
00:30:44Fanny Craddock
00:30:49I love these Christmas songs!
00:30:51One of my favorites
00:30:59I used to watch it in black and white
00:31:01See what we had to look at as kids
00:31:03The TV, the quality of it
00:31:05Was shit
00:31:08Your Christmas cake
00:31:09It's not my Christmas cake
00:31:11Fanny's not cooking my Christmas cake
00:31:12I hope not
00:31:13She's been dead, yes
00:31:14Oh, well, Fanny
00:31:15It's a long time since I've seen you
00:31:18Well, you may wonder
00:31:20This rather dull assembly of cakes
00:31:22Fucking hell
00:31:23Is that a woman?
00:31:24Yeah, it's funny
00:31:25How amazing is she?
00:31:27Over recent years, you have created the demand
00:31:29You? You?
00:31:31For my mother's grandmother's black plum cake
00:31:34Why is she angry at me already?
00:31:36She comes across very assertive, doesn't she?
00:31:38She does, she's like a school teacher
00:31:40And if you run away with the idea that that's a bit of Madeira fruitcake
00:31:43I'll go right off you
00:31:44I'll go right off you
00:31:46It's not a Madeira cake, I promise you, Fanny
00:31:47Yeah
00:31:48Oh, Miss Craddock, Miss
00:31:49The intro doesn't actually match Fanny's toe
00:31:52No, it doesn't
00:31:54The intro's dead upbeat
00:31:55Fanny, straight for the jugular
00:31:57Yeah
00:31:57I've never shared it with anybody on television before
00:32:00It's absolutely spitting you
00:32:01And so we're going to make it right the way through
00:32:03We're going to make it
00:32:04We're going to learn how to make Fanny's cake
00:32:06I bet she's reluctantly giving us the recipe
00:32:08Yeah
00:32:09Now, obviously, I've done the buttercream
00:32:11Obviously
00:32:11And I'm not giving you quantities now
00:32:13Because everything is ugly
00:32:15I'm not giving you quantities, so how do we cook it?
00:32:18Fanny measurements
00:32:19I'm not searching that in Google
00:32:21In here, I've got four lots of things
00:32:24Sultanas
00:32:25Chopped seeded raisins
00:32:27Glassy cherries
00:32:28And peel
00:32:29It sort of seems quite basic, doesn't it?
00:32:32It's like she's mixing her cake up in the washing bowl
00:32:35And I have scrubbed and scrubbed downstairs in the make-up room
00:32:39Oh
00:32:39I thought she was talking about something else there
00:32:41I've scrubbed and scrubbed downstairs
00:32:43I've got my fingernails and my hands spotless
00:32:45And of course there's no nail varnish on them
00:32:47And I'm going to use them
00:32:48Oh, she's using them
00:32:49Oh, she's getting her hands in
00:32:52And then once again
00:32:53That same old thing that you and I have said
00:32:55About somebody that you've never really liked
00:32:57I get the feeling that she doesn't like many people, Mary
00:32:59I mean, you wouldn't cross Fanny
00:33:01The way she's battering that round that bowl
00:33:02And you give it a good slosh like this
00:33:04But you've really done the work
00:33:06Come on, Sarah
00:33:06Sarah?
00:33:07You know my Sarah now
00:33:08She's going to help me at this next stage
00:33:10Fuck it, Sarah's turned up
00:33:11She don't even make eye contact with her
00:33:13Come on, Sarah
00:33:15Chop, chop
00:33:15And then you dump that into there
00:33:18Look how she's throwing it in
00:33:19That one bit on the table, Sarah
00:33:22Sarah's getting sold
00:33:23That's Fanny's fault, that
00:33:24Why is she blaming Sarah?
00:33:26That's not bad, is it?
00:33:28That's it
00:33:28And a filthy hand
00:33:30She's just going to wipe her hands on Sarah's blouse now, isn't she?
00:33:33Would you take that from me, darling?
00:33:34Thank you very much
00:33:35Take that, now piss off
00:33:36If I were Sarah, I'd be like
00:33:37Shove this cake up your arse sideways, you silly bitch
00:33:40Now you bang that down
00:33:41No
00:33:42No
00:33:42No
00:33:45Sorry for that, Norris
00:33:46Sorry about Sarah
00:33:48Apologising to us, not Sarah
00:33:49Yeah
00:33:50I bet Sarah's thought
00:33:51Oh, I've got it wrong again
00:33:53Dang that down with your knuckles
00:33:55Jeez, she's hungry now
00:33:56I've got to give her the right prodding
00:33:57You don't mind, do you
00:33:59If while I'm talking to you
00:34:00Sarah puts the next lot of things in for me
00:34:02What's this, like, slurry bucket
00:34:04That she's just pulled out
00:34:05And I use the bucket
00:34:07A bucket?
00:34:08Ain't they got a sink?
00:34:09Because it's quite impossible to go on cooking with that hand
00:34:12Oh
00:34:12She looks like she's on James Herriot here
00:34:15She's going to stick her arm up a cow
00:34:18Country there
00:34:19Stick her arm up Sarah
00:34:22Now, I'm going to move that cake
00:34:24Now I'm going to pull that out of the way
00:34:25Because I'm going to cut you a slice of my white Christmas cake
00:34:28You bastard
00:34:30Then you really have seen it from the cradle to the grave
00:34:34Bloody hell
00:34:35God, you can't get your bloody knife through it
00:34:37And what's this bit about fruit sinking in the middle
00:34:40And going down to the bottom
00:34:41Oh
00:34:42Not on Fanny's watch
00:34:43Not on Fanny
00:34:45She doesn't have fruit sinking in the middle
00:34:47I do hope you enjoy making it
00:34:48And even more
00:34:49I hope you enjoy eating it
00:34:51Bye
00:34:53Bye
00:34:53Bye
00:34:54You horrible bastards
00:34:57Sarah
00:34:59Wash up
00:35:10In Blackpool
00:35:11I've got a little game for us
00:35:13We've got a toilet roll each, right?
00:35:15Yeah
00:35:15And then we put the wine glasses on top of it
00:35:18Yeah
00:35:18And then it's the first to pull them towards them
00:35:21Pete and his little sister Sophie
00:35:24Three, two, one, go
00:35:27You started early, you cheat
00:35:29Oh
00:35:32Fucking bollocks
00:35:37Oh, you
00:35:38Sorry
00:35:43This is why we should have stuck to board games
00:35:45On Christmas Day
00:35:47ITV had an extra special helping
00:35:50Of our favourite tea time quiz
00:35:53Do you like this one, Erwin?
00:35:55Do you like the chase?
00:35:57Oh, no, he's just licked all the buttons
00:36:00I'm sick to death of alt quizzes this year
00:36:02Are you quizzed out in 2020?
00:36:04I quizzed out
00:36:06I like to laugh at a chase
00:36:08Because questions are always easier, Ellie
00:36:09Thank you
00:36:10Hello and welcome to the chase
00:36:12Where we're celebrating this special time of year
00:36:14There'll be a lot of middle-aged housewives
00:36:16Happy to see Bradley today
00:36:18They'll be enslaving away over the Christmas dinner
00:36:20Yeah
00:36:20And this is a treat
00:36:21Yeah
00:36:22TV and radio presenters
00:36:24Nicky Campbell, everybody
00:36:26It looks knowledgeable
00:36:27Or is it just the glasses?
00:36:29Yeah, I think sometimes you put your glasses on
00:36:30To make you look more
00:36:32It's like me
00:36:33When I wear my glasses
00:36:34I look more like a secretary
00:36:35Your time starts
00:36:37Now, something you never forget how to do
00:36:40Is said to be like riding a what?
00:36:42Ride a bike
00:36:43Bicycle
00:36:44Horse
00:36:44Horse
00:36:45Bike
00:36:46Oh, God
00:36:47How'd the other half live, honestly?
00:36:49Try again
00:36:50That could just be nerves on the fair's question
00:36:54Miss Gatsby and Miss Tibbs were long-term residents at what sitcom hotel?
00:36:58Oh, in 40 hours
00:37:0040 hours
00:37:01Correct
00:37:01He's got one
00:37:02Hey!
00:37:03At least he's got a thousand quid in
00:37:05The term gobble is used to describe the sound made by what birds?
00:37:09Turkey!
00:37:10Come on, it's a Christmas special of the chair
00:37:12Pass
00:37:13Turkey
00:37:13Pass?
00:37:14You've only just fucking hit it
00:37:15Oh, for fuck's sake, Nicky
00:37:17You're thick as fuck
00:37:18NASA's Flight Research Centre
00:37:20Is named after which Apollo 11 astronaut?
00:37:24Buzz Aldrin
00:37:24Neil Armstrong
00:37:25Oh!
00:37:27He might as well have said Buzz Lightyear
00:37:29Yeah
00:37:29How many different segments does a fruit pastel ice lolly have?
00:37:33Purple, green, orange, yellow, red
00:37:35Five
00:37:36Four
00:37:36Five
00:37:37Oh!
00:37:38Nicky!
00:37:40Has he never had a fruit pastels lolly?
00:37:42Which South African-born billionaire founded the boring company?
00:37:46Oh, Elon Musk
00:37:47Elon Musk
00:37:48Elon Musk
00:37:49Pass
00:37:49Elon Musk
00:37:51In 1929
00:37:52He got one!
00:37:54He got one!
00:37:55He got one!
00:37:57I know he got one, I'm watching it!
00:37:59Bloody hell, he's shit, isn't he?
00:38:02He's shit
00:38:02Huh?
00:38:03You've only got a grand
00:38:04Nicky's saving grace is that this isn't on television
00:38:07Oh, way
00:38:08On Christmas Day!
00:38:13In Leeds
00:38:14Oh, my God, do you want to see the shop glasses
00:38:17that Nat's mum got them for Christmas?
00:38:19Oh, my God, yeah
00:38:21They're so funny!
00:38:22Sisters Ellie and Izzy
00:38:24Girls are loaded
00:38:28Bitch on heat
00:38:29Bitch on heat
00:38:31Chick drink
00:38:33And thirsty bird
00:38:37How funny is that that my mother-in-law got me them?
00:38:40I was going to say, because the fact that your mother-in-law has bought you them, Ellie
00:38:44What does she think of you?
00:38:46She thinks I'm a thirsty bird, obviously
00:38:50You are a thirsty bird
00:38:51I'm a bit dehydrated
00:38:55In December, Prime Video had us on the edge of our seats with this noughties classic
00:39:01Is this scary?
00:39:03No, no
00:39:04Oh, it sounds real sinister
00:39:06No, you would say that about anything
00:39:08I can tell by the music, look at that, listen to that
00:39:12This is a genre called comedy horror, Mary
00:39:15I think it's comedy horror
00:39:18You're a genre called comedy horror
00:39:23Oh, I thought you said it wasn't scary
00:39:25It's only fucking lightning
00:39:30Final destination
00:39:31Honestly, you will shit your pants watching this
00:39:35Oh, no
00:39:36In the film, a group of teenagers were boarding a plane on a school trip to Paris
00:39:46That's Alex, that Marie is like the main guy
00:39:52Oh, there better not be something that happens on an aeroplane
00:39:54Because I already can't fly
00:39:59He's worried about something, I can tell he is
00:40:01He's worrying me and I'm sat on here
00:40:08Oh, what's happening here?
00:40:12I think Alex might be a nervous flyer
00:40:14Oh, he's like me, you know
00:40:15You do that every time we're on a plane, you're going
00:40:18Why's that wing going like that?
00:40:19I know, why is it going up and down?
00:40:20Yeah, why is it flapping?
00:40:22Alex?
00:40:23Could you trade seats with Blake so she and I can sit together?
00:40:26Oh, don't trade seats, Alex
00:40:28You're so sweet
00:40:29Thank you
00:40:30Oh, give it
00:40:33Could you, uh, believe me we're going to take a fucking more Greenland?
00:40:37Oh, his table come down on its own
00:40:41Thank you
00:40:42Fucking hell, I wouldn't have a lot of confidence in the plane, would you?
00:40:45No, not me
00:40:45Fucking things fall apart
00:40:50What's going on?
00:40:51I don't know
00:40:52I don't like it
00:40:53He's a bit edgy, isn't he?
00:40:56Well, that's it now
00:40:57He can't get off now
00:41:01What he needs, Mary
00:41:02Is some rescue remedy
00:41:04Yes, you're right
00:41:08Don't look, don't look
00:41:10This is what I don't like
00:41:11Take off
00:41:14Oh, bit of turdling, see ya
00:41:16Oh, shit
00:41:17Oh, I don't like dodgy flights
00:41:22Oh, he's dropped his Maltesers
00:41:27Oh, I'd have to get out now
00:41:29Would you?
00:41:30What do you mean, get out?
00:41:32I'd have to get out
00:41:33Your options are a bit limited, Shirley
00:41:35I've got to be quite honest
00:41:36Well, I'd just get out
00:41:37You'll have to let me out
00:41:39I've got to get out
00:41:44Oh, my God, they're out
00:41:49Oh, they've gone out the plane
00:41:50Oh, I'm never flying again
00:41:52That's why I don't like sitting near the window
00:41:55You've lost out
00:41:56Yeah, you won't fucking shove me there in
00:42:01Here we go
00:42:02We're landing
00:42:02We're landing
00:42:03Landing?
00:42:04Yeah
00:42:04I don't think you're fucking landing, Lev
00:42:07Fucking landing
00:42:08Oh, it's a bloody fireball
00:42:12Alan?
00:42:14Fucking hell, it was a dream
00:42:15Oh, my God
00:42:17Jesus Christ, that were a bit far-fetched
00:42:19Could you train Cecil's Blake
00:42:21So she and I get to sit together?
00:42:22This has just happened
00:42:27What's that, dude?
00:42:28Look, if that thing breaks, look
00:42:30Oh, is that me?
00:42:32This is what I saw in his dream
00:42:33Get off the plane, get off the plane
00:42:35Shut up, Brownie
00:42:38I'd be like, get me the fuck off this plane
00:42:41I don't care, I'm off to Paris
00:42:42You wouldn't, you'd be like, get him off this plane
00:42:44We're off to Paris
00:42:46I'm supposed to go around with myself
00:42:47Get off
00:42:48Get off
00:42:49Get out, Ponce
00:42:50If you say he wants to get off the plane
00:42:52Everybody in the aisle, off the plane
00:42:54Oh, yeah, yeah, and he gets in a fight
00:42:55So he gets off as well
00:42:56Yeah
00:42:57Now a handful of people get off, Dad
00:43:01Light's going
00:43:02It's going without him
00:43:03Alex, talk to me
00:43:04Tell me what happened
00:43:05She's not going to believe him
00:43:06If he says what's actually gone through his head
00:43:08You must have fallen asleep
00:43:09You had a nightmare
00:43:10We get thrown off the plane
00:43:12We blow, what, half a day in Paris?
00:43:14All because Brownie has a bad fucking dream
00:43:15He's not happy
00:43:16Somebody with anger management problems in
00:43:18Why is he being a punk?
00:43:20You're taking the fucking hospital
00:43:22I'm not going to get you fucked
00:43:24Alex, stop it
00:43:25He needs a tranquilizer, Dad
00:43:28There they go
00:43:29Yeah, just watch
00:43:31Wait a minute
00:43:31Will it, though?
00:43:33What's wrong with that plane?
00:43:34Get off your fucking breath
00:43:35Oh, shit
00:43:35Look
00:43:39Oh, my God
00:43:41Fucking hell
00:43:43Jesus
00:43:46Can you believe that shit just blew up?
00:43:49Madness
00:43:50They was nearly on that plane
00:43:52Imagine if you were anybody who just got off that plane
00:43:54You would absolutely shit your pants
00:43:57Having dodged the plane crash
00:44:00The rest of the film showed us what happened to the people who cheated death
00:44:05If you want to waste your life beating the shit out of Alex every time you see him
00:44:10Then you can just drop fucking dead
00:44:20Did she get knocked over?
00:44:22Yeah
00:44:22Your bus just wiped her clean out
00:44:24I thought you said this one frigging scary
00:44:27It was bad enough to suddenly blend on fire
00:44:30Fucking hell
00:44:31So maybe one by one
00:44:33They're all going to be killed
00:44:34They've all got to cheat death now
00:44:41This is a teacher, isn't it?
00:44:42She's safe here, though
00:44:43Nothing's going to get her
00:44:44No boss is going to drive through a house, is it?
00:44:46Yeah, but anything else could have happened
00:44:48Death works in mysterious ways
00:44:54What the hell was that?
00:44:55What is it?
00:44:56Death
00:45:01You're going to have to come to the toilet with me after I've watched this, Ellie
00:45:03Because I seriously can't care
00:45:05I've gone all cold
00:45:08I'd get a bottle of brandy out now and get pissed
00:45:11We'll do
00:45:13Oh, you are
00:45:14Oh, she is
00:45:14I see it
00:45:18Have a vodka instead
00:45:20Fact of the tea
00:45:24Oh, it's cracked
00:45:24Oh, it's running all of her
00:45:29No, spill, spill, spill
00:45:31As if she's not realised it's dripping out of a mug there, Wally
00:45:33She might as well be walking round her house with gasoline
00:45:36With a bottle of lighter fluid
00:45:38Yeah
00:45:42Oh, another acid, another acid
00:45:44Oh, no
00:45:49Switch it off
00:45:52That's it
00:45:53Put your head near something that's smoking
00:46:00Oh, a piece of glass has gone in her throat
00:46:03What are the chances?
00:46:06Oh, she's fucked
00:46:07Oh, God
00:46:09Oh, fire
00:46:10I told you, didn't I?
00:46:11It's the alcohol
00:46:12Frigging hell
00:46:13She got it all, haven't she?
00:46:17Oh, she's not in a good way, is she?
00:46:21Oh, shit
00:46:29Give the woman a break, man
00:46:31I know
00:46:32Death's kicking her ass
00:46:36Don't drag the tea towel off
00:46:38It's on the knife block
00:46:42No, no, no, no
00:46:44No, there's the knife
00:46:49Oh, shit
00:46:54What shitty luck
00:46:57Oh, my God
00:46:59Oh, fucking hell
00:47:02Well, there's no hope
00:47:04She's now well and truly dead
00:47:06That were horrific, Peter
00:47:08This just goes to show that if death does want you, it's gonna get you, doesn't it?
00:47:12This just goes to show you'll never pick in the film
00:47:22In Wiltshire
00:47:23If I know nature, Mary, it never does things twice
00:47:26What, you've just heard it, see?
00:47:28I've just heard it really loud in my wood
00:47:31Putting?
00:47:32An owl in my wood, Mary
00:47:34Giles and his wife, Mary
00:47:38Don't say anything
00:47:42Did you hear it?
00:47:43Yes
00:47:45Isn't it thrilling to have an owl using my wood?
00:47:48Mm
00:47:49It probably will only oblige once
00:47:54Twice
00:47:55That's unheard of, Mary
00:47:59In County Durham
00:48:00A lot of our friends have gone ballroom dancing, you know that, don't you?
00:48:03Classes
00:48:04Yes, aha
00:48:05I would go
00:48:05You'd have a go?
00:48:07I would go
00:48:07Right, stand up and they would have a go, then
00:48:10Anne and her husband, Ken
00:48:12They'll say
00:48:13Da-da-da-da
00:48:14Da-da-da-da
00:48:15Da-da-da-da
00:48:16Come on, move round
00:48:18Hello in the morning
00:48:18It's not
00:48:19Ken, you're supposed to move your feet
00:48:21Not just stand still
00:48:22No, I was moving my body there
00:48:23No, you move your feet
00:48:24Where am I going like?
00:48:25You're going round, we're doing the tango like this
00:48:27This is our own tango
00:48:28Let's just move round in a circle
00:48:30Right, that's it
00:48:33You farted news
00:48:35You farted news, stink
00:48:38You're disgusting
00:48:39I give up
00:48:40In December, ITV treated us to an extra helping of Telly's Tastiest Trio
00:48:47Marry Fred
00:48:48Snog Gordon
00:48:50Shag Gina
00:48:51Yes, I think I'd do the same
00:48:54We're tempted to marry Gordon
00:48:56Just because of his cooking
00:48:57But it's too irritating
00:48:58You do a good impression of Gordon
00:49:00Fuck me
00:49:01There it is
00:49:04Gino De Campo
00:49:05Fred Siri X and I
00:49:06Are on another
00:49:07Connery Christmas road trip
00:49:09Oh, festive motorhome
00:49:11Oh my God
00:49:12The car drive when it's on road
00:49:14Never mind in the snow
00:49:15This is the best Christmas ever
00:49:18I love how Gino's saying it's the best Christmas ever
00:49:20He's got a wife and kids at home
00:49:21This is the right bloody Jolly Boys trip
00:49:24Oh, God, yeah
00:49:28Gordon, Gina and Fred desperately seeking Santa
00:49:31I mean, you'd be pissed off watching this because you couldn't go
00:49:33No, I can't
00:49:34Yours got cancelled to go to Lapland
00:49:36Yeah, I couldn't go
00:49:37What are you laughing at?
00:49:38Don't laugh, it's not funny
00:49:40I bought all them socks
00:49:41In the episode, we saw the lads in a snowy Lapland
00:49:45Enjoying some of their usual banter
00:49:48Fred, you're sort of late 40s now, you're late 40s
00:49:5144 is not late 40, it's at the beginning of the 40s
00:49:54Let's be honest, you spread out a little bit across these tough times
00:49:57You've got a bit wider
00:49:58Better middle-aged bread there, Gino
00:49:59Gino, you've got a bit fat, mate
00:50:01Yeah, let me put it straight
00:50:02You have a dad bod
00:50:04The dad bod is like where you just like stop going to the gym
00:50:07And all you do is like look after your kids and eat cake
00:50:09Yeah
00:50:10I.e. me
00:50:11I've got a dad bod
00:50:13I've got a granddad bod
00:50:14Bod
00:50:16Later, Gordon had an exciting
00:50:18idea for getting the boys into shape
00:50:20This is it, I told you it was special
00:50:22So we're going to go in and plunge inside a hole in the ice
00:50:26Oh, they're doing an ice-like plunge
00:50:29Sod that
00:50:30Is it cold?
00:50:32What do you think?
00:50:33We're going to take a plunge
00:50:34And reinvigorate our bodies
00:50:36And firm up
00:50:38Everywhere
00:50:39It's not firming you up everywhere
00:50:40I know somewhere that's going to shrivel
00:50:42I know somewhere that's going to fucking disappear
00:50:44Oh, do you think it will firm this up?
00:50:46Give it a go
00:50:47I expect they won't be wearing clothes, Mary
00:50:50So look away
00:50:51What have you got underneath?
00:50:52I've got shorts
00:50:52What do you mean shorts?
00:50:54Don't be stupid
00:50:56No, no, no
00:50:57There's nothing underneath
00:50:58Oh, my God
00:50:59Gino's not got anything on, has he?
00:51:01Oh, dear
00:51:02Little Gino will be getting frostbite
00:51:04He likes coming his cock out, doesn't he?
00:51:06Yeah
00:51:07It's the only thing I could find
00:51:09Oh, God
00:51:11No
00:51:11It's a mankini
00:51:12Bloody hell
00:51:13You've got a package there, haven't you?
00:51:15Huh?
00:51:15Look at that
00:51:16You've got a fucking hamper
00:51:16By the look of it
00:51:19It's the only thing I could find
00:51:21We're meeting Johanna Norblad
00:51:23Johanna's going to get an eyeful
00:51:24Yeah
00:51:25So take the ropes off
00:51:26That's it, boys
00:51:27Get your kit off
00:51:28How can you look so keen?
00:51:30Oh, look at Fred, Ellie
00:51:31And them bloody budget smugglers
00:51:33Is like Baywatch
00:51:33Fred's gone very European, hasn't he?
00:51:36Fucking speedos on Fred
00:51:37I want to get it done
00:51:38Come on, let's go
00:51:38You want to get it done?
00:51:39Let's go, let's go
00:51:40Oh, my God
00:51:41Green
00:51:41I mean, the low angle is perfect, isn't it?
00:51:45You know, you're looking right at the body tries a snake
00:51:47You can see the outline of Fred's sausage
00:51:50Is that me?
00:51:51No, you can't see the outline of Fred's sausage
00:51:53Yeah, but Gino's looks more bulgy
00:51:56So heavy breezy
00:51:58Nice bit of bum, eh?
00:52:00Oh, for fuck's sake
00:52:01I didn't need that angle for Gino
00:52:02Well, you're always picking up on the sexual aspects of everything
00:52:06Lovely bum, ooh, look
00:52:08Well, you have, haven't you?
00:52:09You want to go like that?
00:52:13They're going in
00:52:14They're going in
00:52:15Look at Gino at the end
00:52:19Gino can't do it
00:52:20He's not going to do it, is he?
00:52:21Come on, Gino, your baby
00:52:22Get in
00:52:23Are you for real?
00:52:25Are you for real?
00:52:26Get in, soft dog
00:52:31Gino!
00:52:32Ha, ha, ha, ha
00:52:35Ha, ha, ha
00:52:36Imagine going in there like that
00:52:40There's too much information
00:52:41That back bottom
00:52:42It just reminds me of
00:52:44What?
00:52:45You know, going to the loo
00:52:46I don't want to see it
00:52:47Everybody's looking at his pork purse
00:52:50Yo, man, let's get out of here
00:52:52Gino's not going in
00:52:53He's a coward
00:52:54I've dipped my bollocks in
00:52:56That's enough
00:52:56Thank you very much
00:52:57Do you know, Gino's still sexy though
00:52:59Even in his mankini
00:53:00He can pull it off
00:53:02Bloody hell, are they?
00:53:03If anyone could pull off a mankini
00:53:04It's Gino
00:53:05I think that reminds me of Gino
00:53:07Nah, he's not remotely like Gino
00:53:10In your head, maybe
00:53:12What is up with you?
00:53:16In Birmingham
00:53:17What are you doing?
00:53:18I'm getting the leftover chocolates
00:53:19That we didn't eat from Christmas
00:53:21I'm starving
00:53:22Sally and her daughter, Paige
00:53:24Why does Brad put the wrappers back?
00:53:26He always does this
00:53:28I'm getting the leftovers
00:53:29I'm taking it nobody likes these
00:53:32Well, no, clearly we didn't eat them
00:53:34It's full of them
00:53:35No one really likes these ones
00:53:37They're too tough
00:53:37What's this one?
00:53:38Nope
00:53:39That's the only nice one left
00:53:41Paige, you can't take it back off me
00:53:43Once I've chose it
00:53:44Aw, I saw it first
00:53:46That's terrible
00:53:47Do you want that?
00:53:49No, it's alright
00:53:49I'll tell you what
00:53:50We'll fight for it
00:53:50First one to catch it
00:53:51I don't want it
00:53:52I'm only going to traffic
00:53:54Jesus
00:53:55I told you
00:53:56Have you had these in the freezer?
00:54:00I told you they're tough
00:54:02Hang on
00:54:06I can't hit you
00:54:07This week, BBC One eased us into the new year
00:54:12The Attenborough Way
00:54:13We've got a nature programme happening in here right now
00:54:19What are they doing?
00:54:22It's a game called Widest Mouse
00:54:30A perfect planet
00:54:32I feel like we need a perfect planet
00:54:34To get us in the right mind frame for 2021
00:54:36We are going for perfect planet
00:54:38We're not having a repeat of that shit show
00:54:40What was 2020?
00:54:41Volcanic islands make up just 5% of the planet's land
00:54:45But they're home to nearly 20% of its species
00:54:50Did he say faeces or species?
00:54:53He wouldn't have said faeces
00:54:55Mary
00:54:59It sounded like it
00:55:02I don't know what's wrong with you this Christmas
00:55:04This is Wolf
00:55:06Wolf?
00:55:08It's just like a rock in the middle of the ocean
00:55:10And one of the most remote islands of the Galapagos
00:55:14That's a bit of shit, that island
00:55:15There's nothing there, is there?
00:55:18A finch
00:55:19We've got finches here
00:55:21A female
00:55:22That's a cute little finch, isn't it?
00:55:24Like most finches, they feed on seeds, nectar and insects
00:55:28Oh, that's what a bird would feed on, isn't it, anyway?
00:55:32But there's little food of any kind on wolf
00:55:36Oh, so they've obviously got to find a different source
00:55:42NASCAR boobies
00:55:44Boobies?
00:55:44David Attenborough just said boobies, huh?
00:55:47How do they get food from boobies, then?
00:55:51What's he going to do?
00:55:52What's he going to do?
00:55:56Oh, no, it's going to the back end of the boobie
00:55:58It's not going to ring it, is it?
00:56:00Is it?
00:56:04Is he doing all his back?
00:56:06The finch is mounting the boobie
00:56:09Blood
00:56:10Blood?
00:56:11Oh, what's he doing?
00:56:14Is he eating the boobie?
00:56:16Dirty little bastards
00:56:18They are vampire finches
00:56:22What the fuck?
00:56:24Vampire finches?
00:56:26That cute little bird is a blood-sucking vampire
00:56:31Oh, look
00:56:32It's awful
00:56:33It's proper guzzling, that blood, isn't it?
00:56:35She cuts the quill of a large flight feather
00:56:37And the blood flows
00:56:41Oh, that's disgusting
00:56:43So it knows exactly how to do it
00:56:45Pull the flight feather
00:56:46Suck the blood
00:56:49The sight of it attracts the attention of others
00:56:52No way
00:56:53They're all coming for a taste
00:56:59Oh, it's having a right good dig, that one
00:57:01They're proper ramming the baits in, aren't they?
00:57:08Oh, look at the blood pouring out of it
00:57:11I can't believe it, is he?
00:57:13This is savage
00:57:13I don't like it
00:57:14I don't
00:57:15It's creeping me out
00:57:16Why the boobies don't object
00:57:19Nobody knows
00:57:22Surely if you felt someone eating at your ass
00:57:25You'd get up and fly off, wouldn't you?
00:57:27Before you know it, them finches
00:57:29They'll have the teeth
00:57:30You know, the hairline
00:57:31Oh, a cloak
00:57:32Cloak
00:57:34What would you do if there were no food?
00:57:35Would you eat me?
00:57:37Probably
00:57:37Would you suck my blood?
00:57:39There'd be a good supply of food in you, Ellie
00:57:49In Leeds
00:57:50Oh, my God, Ellie
00:57:51So, you know that I've been telling you about my concern
00:57:54Of Grant's eating habits
00:57:56And I've been saying to him it's been keeping me up at night
00:57:59Has he actually been keeping you up at night?
00:58:01I've been worrying about when me needs to pack it in
00:58:03Sisters Ellie and Izzy
00:58:05So, he's gone to a cafe
00:58:08And sent me this
00:58:10A picture of the menu
00:58:11It's called The Big One
00:58:14In capital letters
00:58:15With four exclamation marks
00:58:16The Worcester Widowmaker
00:58:19Is what this breakfast is called
00:58:21Worcester Widowmaker
00:58:22I actually shuddered when I read The Worcester Widowmaker
00:58:26I thought, oh, my God, this is what I've been thinking about
00:58:27This is what it's got on it
00:58:29Eight sausage
00:58:31Eight bacon
00:58:32Six eggs
00:58:34Three black pudding
00:58:35Three hash browns
00:58:37Three portions mushrooms
00:58:38Two portions beans
00:58:40Two fried bread
00:58:41Four bread and butter or toast
00:58:43Tea, coffee or fruit juice
00:58:45Eat it all in less than 35 minutes
00:58:47And it's free
00:58:48Now only £15
00:58:52He didn't get it, did he?
00:58:53So I went, you didn't, did you?
00:58:55He said he did
00:58:5541 minutes
00:58:56On Christmas Day, Channel 4 treated us to the second installment of this comedy classic
00:59:04Why do we never get bored of this film?
00:59:06It's like, how many times have we watched it but we still love it?
00:59:10Home Alone 1 and 2 are the best ones, aren't they?
00:59:12Home Alone 3 drops off a bit with that little nipper with a chicken pot
00:59:20Lost to New York, we've done that, Julie, on that fucking subway
00:59:23New Yorker Christmas time
00:59:25I'd love to go to New Yorker Christmas time
00:59:27Not as a lost ten-year-old
00:59:28But, like, I'd like to go at least
00:59:30In the film, the McAllister family were about to go on another Christmas holiday
00:59:40We've done it again!
00:59:41They overslept again
00:59:42Oh, no!
00:59:44Bloody hell
00:59:44You wouldn't dare go to sleep, would you, if you were them?
00:59:47Night before your holiday
00:59:52The most unorganised family I've ever seen in my life
00:59:55And they're such a massive family as well, isn't it?
00:59:57Because all their, like, cousins and uncles come
01:00:00This is more like an Asian family, isn't it?
01:00:02It is, actually, yeah
01:00:0311, 12, 13
01:00:08Where is he?
01:00:09Where's Kevin?
01:00:10You'd have that kid on range, wouldn't you?
01:00:12Yeah
01:00:12Get back
01:00:1314
01:00:14Go on, Kevin!
01:00:15There he is, little shit
01:00:21Imagine that!
01:00:23Legging it to your flight
01:00:24This has got disaster written all over it
01:00:29Come on, Kevin, hurry up!
01:00:31Oh, God, he's behind again, Kevin!
01:00:33Oh, no!
01:00:36Oh, what's he doing?
01:00:37Why the frig are you stopping right now?
01:00:39Who does that?
01:00:40He's a fucking idiot, Kevin, isn't he?
01:00:43Here we are here!
01:00:45No one's noticed Kevin's not there!
01:00:47The mother's not even given a second glance
01:00:49Oh, no, she's not arsed, is she?
01:00:51Shit house!
01:00:52Please, ma'am, you have to board
01:00:53The plane is ready to leave
01:00:54Let me just make sure everyone gets on
01:00:55Come on
01:00:56Don't worry, ma'am, we'll get everybody on the plane
01:00:57We'll get everybody on the plane
01:00:59Bullshit!
01:01:00Have a nice plane
01:01:00Merry Christmas
01:01:01Bye!
01:01:01Bye-bye
01:01:05Shit!
01:01:06They've left Kevin!
01:01:08Again!
01:01:09They've learnt nothing, this lot, from Home Alone 1
01:01:11I know, yeah
01:01:12You'd have thought once, bit and twice shy
01:01:16After getting on the wrong plane
01:01:18Kevin found himself all alone in New York
01:01:26Oh, it's the bad guys again
01:01:29They were the wet bandits, weren't they?
01:01:31These are the ones that Kevin had loads of trouble with
01:01:33In the first film, aren't they?
01:01:34Yeah, the burglars
01:01:40He's spotted him
01:01:43Oh, hi
01:01:43Uh-oh
01:01:46Hiya, pal
01:01:48Oh, shit
01:01:49The last film ended with these two getting bloody carted off by the police
01:01:53I know, Harry and Marvel will be wanting to try and get their own back on Kevin now, won't they?
01:02:00Run!
01:02:01Leg it, Kev
01:02:02Come on
01:02:04Oh, they're after him now
01:02:06Two for five dollars, two for five dollars, four for ten
01:02:10Oh, he's buying beads, that's what he's doing
01:02:12Oh, do you remember what he's going to do with the pearls?
01:02:14Yeah, booby trap
01:02:24I can't believe that they fell for that with Kevin
01:02:27They never learned, did they?
01:02:29A bit later, Kevin was luring burglars Harry and Marv back to a derelict house
01:02:37Of course they're going to follow him, aren't they? They're that thick
01:02:39Where'd he go?
01:02:41I'm up here, come and get me
01:02:43Why's he on the roof? Why does he just hide instead of taunting them?
01:02:47Natty, I don't think it's, uh, you should take it too seriously
01:02:49It's okay
01:02:52Oh my god, no!
01:03:02Did I kill you?
01:03:04He always gets it first, doesn't he?
01:03:07You want to throw bricks? Go ahead, throw another one
01:03:10Surely he's not going to get Marv again
01:03:13Oh!
01:03:15Oh!
01:03:16Oh!
01:03:16Strike two
01:03:17Oh my
01:03:18What?
01:03:20What?
01:03:22Just turn around and have a look
01:03:24Behind you, dickhead
01:03:25Have you came back?
01:03:27What?
01:03:27Have you came back?
01:03:28Here he comes
01:03:29Oh!
01:03:32It's a fucking cracking shot Kevin, isn't it, to be fair
01:03:40He can't even walk straight
01:03:47Marv, be careful
01:03:49He'll have all this house bloody rigged like he did his mum and dad's
01:03:58What's that?
01:03:59Staple gun
01:04:02Oh my god, no!
01:04:04He's ready to go
01:04:05He's ready to go
01:04:09Oh!
01:04:09Oh!
01:04:11No!
01:04:16He's been nailed
01:04:20His ass!
01:04:25Oh!
01:04:27Man!
01:04:28Oh, and he's nuts!
01:04:30The thing is, this is such childish humour
01:04:33He's been nailed in the vault
01:04:38He's been nailed in the vault
01:04:39And the face!
01:04:43This is really quite violent, isn't it, Mary?
01:04:46God, I must buy a staple gun
01:04:48I like the idea of that power
01:04:49No
01:04:50Surrender, kid!
01:04:52He vanished
01:04:53I'm down there, you big horse's ass!
01:04:56You're falling into his trap, guys
01:04:58Come on!
01:04:58Come on, Marv
01:05:00Oh, I don't know
01:05:01That's it, get yourself on that rope
01:05:03Oh, this ain't gonna end well
01:05:04You can tell, Caddo
01:05:08Merry Christmas
01:05:09Merry Christmas
01:05:12The kid is literally trying to kill them
01:05:15I think Kevin wants locker
01:05:16Not to be fair
01:05:21Oh dear
01:05:23You just gotta let go
01:05:25Let go
01:05:27Oh!
01:05:29Oh!
01:05:29Ground floor
01:05:31Oh!
01:05:36Oh!
01:05:37Oh!
01:05:38I've said it before
01:05:39You know, and I'll say it again
01:05:41Kids nowadays
01:05:42They're sat on their iPads
01:05:44Telling you to F off while watching Peppa Pig
01:05:46While Kevin's out actively fighting crime
01:05:49Yeah
01:05:49You know, different breed
01:05:51Dole skill, that
01:05:52Yeah
01:05:52It all turned out alright in the end
01:05:55When Kevin was reunited with his mum
01:05:59There she is
01:06:00She's found him
01:06:05This is your magic moment, Nottie
01:06:07Yeah
01:06:07Don't spoil it
01:06:08Oh, Kevin
01:06:12Mum, I'm sorry
01:06:15I'm sorry too
01:06:16Just dip your hand in your purse
01:06:18And we'll forget all about this
01:06:24Go on, hug
01:06:28Hug while you can
01:06:30They were able to hug then
01:06:32In those days
01:06:37Merry Christmas, Mum
01:06:40I can almost feel his cold little face
01:06:44Merry Christmas, sweetheart
01:06:45He's very forgiving
01:06:48Too forgiving
01:06:49Too forgiving
01:06:49I don't think I'd be as forgiving
01:06:51No, I wouldn't
01:06:51If I'd have had to, you know
01:06:53We're tackling crime in New York
01:06:54On Christmas Day on my own
01:06:55I'd run a cash reward
01:06:57It's just a simple sign
01:06:58Yeah
01:06:58Yeah
01:06:59I just think what a shitty year we've all had and everything
01:07:01That, that cuddle to me is, is worth more than out
01:07:09Blow your nose
01:07:12Have I got a bogey?
01:07:15Have I got a bogey?
01:07:16Have I got a bogey?
01:07:18Have I got a bogey?
01:07:21Next week, what's new?
01:07:23Monday and filmed with Yorkshire Police as Covid takes hold
01:07:26999 What's Your Emergency?
01:07:28At 9
01:07:29Tuesday and back to St George's on the front line
01:07:32With our great NHS
01:07:34Humbling and inspiring watch also at 9
01:07:37But coming next, Amy Schumer and Goldie Horne have been snatched
01:07:421
01:07:432
01:07:431
01:07:442
01:07:452
01:07:452
01:07:452
01:07:472
01:07:472
01:07:482
01:07:482
01:07:482
01:07:482
01:07:483