- 6 hours ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Yeah, there we go, hand up, down, spin, round, that's it, you've got it, you've got it, there you are,
00:09again, again, round, oh you've sat in your front pole, oh you're sick, get up, oh you're sick, get up,
00:23oh you're sick, get up, oh you're sick, oh you're sick.
00:31There's got to be more to it, mum, is this for posh, no beds, prepare to be traumatised, I love
00:41it, this is my favourite, this is like the wire, but in Luton, oh my god, are you being serious,
00:50thrown a knife at a national treasury, oh you silly twat, no way, oh she's bright, oh,
01:01oh look, he's even got armpit sweat, oh my god, I'd die, the most touching thing is the look on
01:10his little face, it's totally nothing.
01:13In the week Harry and Meghan went head to head in a welly wanging contest, we enjoyed lots of great
01:20telly, there were some special spooky spectacles on BBC One,
01:25Oh look at his costume, he's like my belly, yeah, he's got a Stephen belly, and I've got a stripy
01:39top on, look, just like him.
01:42BBC Two unearth more clever connections.
01:45Stephen Goff, do you know about him?
01:47Is he the guy who kept getting arrested?
01:48Oh, the Naked Rambler?
01:49Yes, the Naked Rambler, and he walked from Land's End to John O'Groats, but there were two breaks as
01:54he went to prison for several months.
01:57I didn't know you could go to prison for naked rambling.
02:00Well yeah, people do tend to take offence when you've got your cock out.
02:04Well, we might have, probably, yeah.
02:08And in the news, the hoo-ha surrounding a high street heavyweight heightened.
02:13The businessman categorically denies all allegations.
02:16Jesus Christ, you won't think he owned the clothing empire, look at the state of him.
02:20And has still to comment.
02:21I don't know, not exactly top man there, is he?
02:31In Bristol.
02:33What colour is that?
02:34Trout.
02:34There's never been a colour called trout.
02:36Trout, man.
02:37Salmon.
02:38Is Salmon.
02:39Yeah, there's Salmon, but there's trout.
02:40Brothers Tristan, Twain, and Tremaine.
02:44Listen, I get what you're saying, yeah?
02:46Organic, free-range trout is that colour.
02:48But no one's ever described a colour as trout.
02:52I did.
02:53So is that not trout?
02:54It's salmon.
02:55We don't know what you're talking about.
02:56Yeah, but you do.
02:57You do, because you know what colour trout is.
02:59But a normal person might not know what trout is.
03:02He's not normal.
03:03Huh?
03:03That's how I mean.
03:04He takes selfies in the gym, but he's not normal.
03:06Why are you trying to serve it?
03:08So what colour is this then?
03:10Huh?
03:10Well, the politically correct term would be salmon or pink.
03:15But me, that's trout.
03:18On Monday night, there was more confusing quizzery on BBC2.
03:22The Allisons have started watching this.
03:25They say it's the best programme on telly.
03:30Do you think you've got smart enough mates
03:32that you'd go on Only Connect with?
03:34Oh, no.
03:35Oh, I'm the smarter than my mates.
03:41Shall we see if we can get one answer right, lads?
03:43I think this might be out of our league.
03:45Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the show that's like a seaside holiday,
03:49in the sense that by the end...
03:51I don't know what it is about Victoria, but she is proper fit.
03:55Men are normally quite intimidated by a woman with quick wits.
04:00I find that with me.
04:02Quick wits.
04:04What are you looking at?
04:06And back to you, LARPers.
04:08As usual, Victoria was on hand with the questions.
04:12So what connects these pictures?
04:13And the first one is coming up now.
04:15Oh, I like pictures, picture ones.
04:17I'm quite good on pictures.
04:23Who's that?
04:24Is that Frank Sinatra?
04:25Sinatra.
04:26Jimmy Snod or Durante?
04:28What?
04:28It's Jimmy Durante.
04:30Oh, Jimmy Durante?
04:31What's a Jimmy Durante?
04:33That's him.
04:34Him, comedian.
04:34With the big schnoz.
04:36Next, please.
04:39Oh, that looks tasty.
04:42Southern Fried Chicken.
04:43Is it chicken?
04:44A schnitzel, what's it, schnitzel, chicken?
04:46Schnitzel.
04:47Oh, I'm putting it in his nose.
04:49Chicken.
04:50I would say it was scampi.
04:52Is that a goujon?
04:53It's a schnitzel.
04:54Schnoz.
04:55Schnoz and schnitzel, maybe.
04:56Schnoz.
04:57Schnoz.
04:58Schnitzel.
04:59Next, please.
05:02Dad, who's that guy with a dog?
05:03His name is Bernie, isn't it?
05:05Is it Bernie?
05:06Is it turkey-related?
05:07Schnorbit.
05:09That's schnobits.
05:09Schnorbit.
05:10Oh, my God, so what are these?
05:12These are all...
05:12They all begin with schner.
05:17Schnorbit, schnitzel, schnoz.
05:19They're all words which begin, I think, S-C-H-N, sort of schnoz, schnauzer and schnitzel.
05:26You are absolutely right for that.
05:28Yes!
05:28Come on!
05:30Schnorbit.
05:30How is that a question?
05:31They all start with schner.
05:33These are going to be picture clues.
05:35I want to know what sort of thing you'd expect to see in the fourth picture.
05:37Here's the first.
05:39S-Seal.
05:40That's a seal.
05:42Seal.
05:42Seal.
05:44Kiss from a rose.
05:47Next.
05:50Ferrari.
05:51It's a Triumph, is it?
05:53Triumph.
05:53No, it's not a Triumph.
05:54It's a...
05:54Jaguar.
05:55That's an E-type jag.
05:57Seal, Jaguar.
05:58Seal, Jaguar.
06:00Animal names.
06:01Next.
06:04What biscuit is it?
06:05Is it a Twix?
06:07What's that?
06:08What's that, a line bar?
06:09Mars bar.
06:10That's not a Mars bar, is it?
06:12I'm just tricking his animals, because Jaguar the car, line bar, lion, and seal is a seal.
06:18Oh, cats.
06:19Big cats.
06:20And what's the reason?
06:22It's something to do, so there's a leopard seal.
06:24Oh, leopard seal.
06:26Well, I missed that.
06:27Jaguar the animal, yeah.
06:28If you didn't get leopard, you wouldn't have got that.
06:30I thought it was a sea lion.
06:33And then a Jaguar, a lion, and so it's to do with sort of...
06:38The four big cats.
06:39Yeah, big cats, yeah.
06:40Big cats in the panthera genus.
06:43I said animals, fuck.
06:45This game's dumb, man.
06:47Tiger seal.
06:48That's a seal, isn't it?
06:49It's a seal.
06:51It actually tests your thinking power, doesn't it?
06:54Yeah, my head always hurts afterwards, though.
06:56You can't not have your head hurt afterwards.
06:58I'd rather go on chase.
06:59It's more fun.
07:00And you get to meet Bradley Walsh.
07:01She's just annoying.
07:02Yeah, he's a good game show host, isn't he?
07:08In Wiltshire...
07:09I've never had food envy of you.
07:11Yes, I get it very badly.
07:13Because I want to eat anything that my partner has ordered.
07:17If my partner has ordered something nicer than me, I always want it.
07:22Giles and his wife, Mary.
07:24If I've ordered something that turns out to be a dud, I just get on with it.
07:28I don't perv over the other person's plate.
07:31You.
07:31You do.
07:33Well, do you remember that time that Joe took one of Jerry's chips and he stabbed her?
07:40With his fork.
07:41With his fork and drew blood.
07:42And it was made for a very unpleasant evening, didn't it?
07:46Yes.
07:47Because he was so hungry that he didn't like this hand coming towards his plate and grabbing his food.
07:53So his instinct was, even though it was his own wife, Mary.
07:56So stabbed her hand.
07:57Stabbed her hand.
07:58That was terrible.
08:02In Brighton.
08:04I've just come to the realisation that I'm never going to have a six-pack.
08:09I'm never going to lose the weight.
08:10So I brought this today.
08:12Let me show you.
08:13Stephen and his mum, Pat.
08:15When I go out running, people will just think, this is my body.
08:21Look.
08:23That's good.
08:24It is, isn't it?
08:25I've got a six-pack.
08:26Look at that.
08:27Oh.
08:28Imagine me running down the road and you're driving.
08:30You'll just think, oh, he's got a nice bod.
08:33Aren't I?
08:34I've got myself a six-pack.
08:36That's good, yeah.
08:38Do you want me to get you one with a pair of perp tits on it?
08:42On Friday, ITV News brought us a story to reminisce about.
08:48What have they got for us today, lads?
08:50This is the ITV Lunchtime News with Ranveer Singh.
08:54Come on, Ranveer.
08:55Give it to us.
08:56Now, for many, it was a rite of passage.
08:58Time away from their parents, one or two weeks of fun in the sun.
09:01But for many, Club 1830 holidays were a moment of wild excess.
09:06But not anymore.
09:07I've never been on one, you know.
09:09Well, I didn't do one when I was 18 to 30.
09:12Did we go on an 18 to 30?
09:13No, thank God, we never did.
09:15No, didn't we go to St Moritz?
09:16No, that was Club Med.
09:18Oh, that was Club Med.
09:19Drunk and debauchery has wanted to find this holiday package that was a rite of passage for millions.
09:25It does look old when you see that footage.
09:28It feels like it were years ago.
09:30Yeah.
09:30Rite of passage basically means go over there and pop your cherry.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Isn't it?
09:38Come home with something very sore and itchy.
09:40Well, I'm joined now by Imogen Townley, who's a former holiday rep in Magaluf.
09:45Although she's not in Magaluf right now, as you can see.
09:47Magaluf's got a right nickname now, you know.
09:49Has it?
09:50Yeah, they call it Shagaluf, don't they?
09:52Shag-a-scruff.
09:53Oh, is it Shag-a-scruff?
09:55That's even worse.
09:56And you, when?
09:59Magaluf's a good holiday.
10:00Imogen, let's talk to you.
10:01I mean, you're out there.
10:03I'm assuming that the risque reputation was valid.
10:06You must have seen a lot of things.
10:07Wow, look at her teeth.
10:09I can't tell where her teeth end and her lips begin.
10:12You can't talk about it at lunchtime.
10:14Definitely.
10:15But do you think some of it is that, you know, young people now just think,
10:18actually, I can book my own Airbnb, I'll do it this way,
10:21I want to see a bit of culture, maybe they're vegan now.
10:23Fucking vegans on holiday, that's a nightmare.
10:25Fuck me.
10:27People want to travel a bit further afield, you know, try new food,
10:30more cultural things, as well as just getting drunk every night.
10:33Every single assistant at my work asking what they want to do,
10:37they say, I want to go travelling.
10:39Really?
10:40Yeah.
10:41They're still getting fucked off the face, just further afield.
10:44Why do you think 1830's lost its appeal for young people now?
10:47Because people want to go and swim with dolphins and stuff,
10:50not catch chlamydia in the swimming pool.
10:53The original guests of those holidays are now in their 70s and 80s
10:58and times have moved on.
10:59Imagine them having, like, a reunion,
11:01that very first thing, loads of bingo wings going about on it.
11:05We brought Ethel, where is she?
11:07She's on the shelf over there, she's in that fucking jar.
11:09I think people just have different fun now.
11:12It's less about kind of fish balls and getting as drunk as quickly as you can,
11:15and much more about her craft Jane
11:17or making sure that you look good on your Instagram.
11:19That's it!
11:20They're all about the gram nowadays!
11:22Social media generation.
11:24It is the social media generation!
11:26People are more sophisticated, is that what they're saying, Mary?
11:29I don't know, I'm fascinated.
11:32I thought there would always be a market for a mindless hedonism.
11:3617 we was, all us girls, and we got a caravan overlays now.
11:42Oh, how exciting!
11:43Yeah!
11:44Did any of you get lucky?
11:45I don't know.
11:47Do I?
11:47Did you?
11:49I lost...
11:50Lost what?
11:51The virginity mother!
11:54In a caravan!
11:59Oh, fucking Nora!
12:07In Derby!
12:08We're going trick-or-treating soon, though.
12:10Should Daddy dress like...
12:12A vampire!
12:13Yes!
12:14Unc is, um...
12:16Zombie!
12:17Zombie, yeah.
12:18You'd make a good...
12:19I'm a good zombie, yeah.
12:20The Siddiquis.
12:21Why a zombie bean?
12:22Cos, do I always look like I'm, like, like that?
12:25Like that bean?
12:26Yeah.
12:29No, no, no.
12:31Slime will come out of your mouth.
12:33Did you bring your slime?
12:37You didn't bring your slime?
12:39She's got this wicked slime.
12:40We keep meaning to trick you with it.
12:42Right.
12:42It's like this putty one.
12:44Now, when you put your fingers in it, what noise does it make?
12:46Trunk.
12:48On Saturday night, BBC One tried to scare us with this.
12:54Yes!
12:55It's Saturday night.
12:56Oh!
12:57Oh, it's Halloween!
12:58Woo-hoo!
13:03Oh, Strictly!
13:06Ha-ha-ha!
13:07Woo-hoo!
13:11Woo-hoo-hoo!
13:24Yes, I'm thrilled.
13:26I'm really enjoying it.
13:33Yes!
13:34Friday!
13:35This is the best.
13:38Dancing the creepy cha-cha-cha, Graham Swan and O.T. Monsters for this.
13:49Oh, we all know what this is.
13:56Yeah, that's a Jackson move.
14:00It's like one of my tics.
14:01It is.
14:05Oh?
14:05Oh, no.
14:09Here you go, O.T.
14:13God, he must be boiling in that platter.
14:19In his platter, Gila.
14:24He's even gone full Michael Jackson.
14:26He's got white socks on.
14:27Pair of cutoffs.
14:29Should have taped his fingers together as well.
14:33Shambo!
14:34You try to scream, as homilent you right between the eyes.
14:38There you go.
14:39Whoa!
14:40He's done the moonwalk.
14:41Homilent you right between the eyes.
14:43Sort of.
14:43He fucked the moonwalk up.
14:45Oh, that's unforgivable.
14:47If you're going to attempt the moonwalk, you better make sure you get it right.
14:55You know when, like, a dance company comes to, like, an old people's home to get them moving, get them
14:59happy?
15:01And they're like, come on.
15:03His legs are a bit stiff.
15:04Yeah.
15:04Come on, lad.
15:05Come on, Craig.
15:06Come on.
15:12It's too soft, man.
15:14It's too soft, man.
15:17It's got to be hard.
15:19Ow.
15:19Pop it.
15:20Ow.
15:20Yeah.
15:23Oh, here we go.
15:26Classic.
15:35I mean, that wasn't even a...
15:37No, he didn't even throw a thrust.
15:39Oh, dear.
15:40You're supposed to grab your crotch there, man.
15:41Pop!
15:42Pop!
15:45What?
15:45No, you're hot.
15:54What do you think of that?
15:55Crap.
15:56I can definitely do a better impersonation.
15:59Go on.
15:59Give us a show.
16:00Of course I can.
16:01He's doing the crotch thing wrong, man.
16:03You've got...
16:03It's there.
16:04It's there.
16:07You've got a gear there.
16:09You can't be out there wasting time.
16:11Like that.
16:14In hall.
16:15Why does it look like a fucking clothes shop in here?
16:17Just let me show you.
16:19I've been buying...
16:19Oh, my God.
16:21This is me winter wardrobe.
16:23Best friends, Jenny and Lee.
16:26Fuckin' on, Max and Spencer's here.
16:28I know.
16:31Oh, you only go for good names.
16:35Right, how many's there?
16:36Oh, that's nice.
16:38That's a Debenhams collection.
16:39That says petite.
16:40Yeah.
16:41I know.
16:42That's what I have though.
16:43It doesn't look petite, does it?
16:44Petite?
16:45Must be for a ten-foot woman.
16:47It must be.
16:50Incafilly.
16:51Oh, hello.
16:52What?
16:53Look at that.
16:54Oh, you've won £175.
16:57What am I having?
16:58Dave's had a better look on the arses this week.
17:01Don't worry.
17:02You'll be having a bag of chips over this.
17:04I don't want a bag of chips.
17:05And a sausage and batter.
17:07No.
17:07I can assure you.
17:08Right?
17:09I'm going to shove that where the sun don't shine.
17:12To...
17:13Christ.
17:14Do you know what?
17:15I must be the luckiest person alive to have you.
17:19I'll buy you a bag of chips and a sausage and batter.
17:23What do you want?
17:25Well, what I want and what I get is two different things.
17:28I know it.
17:28Exactly.
17:29Yeah.
17:29You've got that right.
17:30You might want a Fabergé egg, but you wouldn't be getting it off me.
17:33No, I know.
17:35On Saturday night, ITV News reported on a shocking development in the scandal surrounding
17:41a British retail giant.
17:43With Kylie Pentelow.
17:45Third most famous Kylie in the world after Jenna and Minogue.
17:48Business tycoon Sir Philip Green came out fighting today and said he'll take action
17:53against the politician who named him in parliament as the man at the centre of allegations
17:58of sexual harassment and racial abuse.
18:00I bet he did.
18:02He came out fighting.
18:03On the phone, on his superyacht, in the Mediterranean.
18:07The billionaire, who strongly denies the allegations against him, accused Lord Hayne
18:12of breaching Westminster's code of conduct.
18:14Well, he's not going to take it lying down, is he?
18:17I wonder why Haynes did that then?
18:19Why he wanted to out Sir Philip Green, that he was the man behind the allegations.
18:26I wonder why.
18:27Does he know something we don't know?
18:29Sir Philip Green has been attempting to keep a low profile,
18:33enjoying a game of tennis at an exclusive resort in the US.
18:36That's keeping a low profile.
18:40Let's have a game of tennis.
18:42In an exquisite.
18:43Usually a low profile is in your house with your curtains closed.
18:46Yes.
18:47I feel it's my duty under parliamentary privilege to name Philip Green as the individual in question.
18:54I think when people make allegations against other people, the person that's accused should
18:59not be named until it's proven that they've done it.
19:03It was revealed that Hayne is also employed as an advisor by the same lawyers who represent the Daily Telegraph
19:09who first published the story.
19:11Ah.
19:12Oh, wow.
19:14In a statement, the retail tycoon says, when Lord Haynes made allegations about me in the House of Lords, he
19:20failed to disclose that he has a financial relationship with the law firm Gordon Dads, who represent the Telegraph.
19:26I wonder what kind of financial relationship they pay him to do something.
19:31He might be a consultant.
19:32Maybe.
19:33Well, it's very coincidental that Lord Haynes has got a finger in the pie of the Telegraph, but I also
19:41do think he's done the right thing.
19:42I have been advised that his actions are likely to have been a breach of the House of Lords code
19:47of conduct.
19:48You know what? He's got Lord Hayne by the knackers here.
19:50Of course he has.
19:52Exposing that potentially there's a conflict of interest.
19:56Yeah.
19:57Speaking from abroad, the former cabinet minister claims his information did not come from anyone connected with the court case.
20:04Sir Philip is wrong. I stand fully by what I've said.
20:08Speaking by the internet. Look at that.
20:11That's almost speaking beyond the grave, that is. That's really grainy, that is.
20:14I will not be frightened or intimidated into retracting or apologising for what I've told Parliament.
20:22I would not be frightened or intimidated, yet I've left the country and I'm not going to tell you where
20:28I am.
20:29That is fighting talk. But he obviously knows that some of the well fish is going on.
20:36Yeah.
20:37For him to be like, nah mate, this isn't public interest.
20:40He's like, come at me Philip.
20:42Yeah.
20:42The businessman categorically denies all allegations of unlawful sexual or racist behaviour.
20:48Philip Green's gone, I've got nothing to hide. I'm going to drive around in a car with no doors.
20:52Yeah, man.
20:52Yeah.
20:53That's how transparant I am.
20:54I'm going to be slapping women's asses then shouting racial slurs at everyone.
20:59I'm a billionaire.
21:00You want me? Come and get me.
21:02Are you a racist pervert or not?
21:04Well, that's what we want to know.
21:06Well, that's a bit harsh.
21:08Jeez.
21:09Wow.
21:10He's been accused of, isn't he?
21:11Wow.
21:12Wow.
21:13Well, I'm wounded now because this is putting me off shopping at Topshop and I like Topshop jeans.
21:18But Sodom, I'll go to New Look instead.
21:21Cheaper.
21:22If he has done these things, then he needs to be prosecuted.
21:26But really, they could have kept his name quiet until they had all the evidence to prosecute and then name
21:34him.
21:34Because if he does come out that he's innocent, mud sticks, doesn't it?
21:39Look at poor Cliff Richard.
21:41Yeah.
21:48In Blackpool.
21:50I used to want it to be a hairdresser, me.
21:51There's been a hairdresser and then there's been a wig chopper.
21:55Whose idea was it to go as Kevin and Perry as Halloween?
21:58Yours.
21:58Pete and his little sister Sophie.
22:01Gentle.
22:01This is fantastic.
22:05He has it so it's sort of like...
22:10This is amazing!
22:17It's in your head!
22:19I'm doing a mint job of this!
22:25You're enjoying this a bit too much.
22:27This is brilliant!
22:30In Bristol.
22:32Guess what I got?
22:32I bought this for Eva, my great-granddaughter for Halloween.
22:37Oh, yeah.
22:38Look, she didn't like that.
22:40Oh, yeah.
22:41Best friends Mary and Marina.
22:44Turn it on at the back, look.
22:45Hang on.
22:49Yeah.
22:49Go on.
22:50Now you've got to press that button down the front.
22:53Don't, don't.
22:54Oh!
22:55Oh, my God!
23:05Oh, isn't that lovely?
23:06She'll love that.
23:08That's lovely.
23:09She'll love that.
23:10On Saturday night, ruthless assassin Villanelle was up to her usual tricks on BBC One.
23:17Oh!
23:18Killing Eve!
23:19You know what?
23:19Calm down.
23:20I love this man.
23:20It's proper espionage.
23:22Yeah.
23:22And intrigue.
23:23You don't know who to trust.
23:24The episode started with a recap.
23:27The British, they're helping me.
23:29Constantin.
23:30He's working with them.
23:32So, Constantine is Villanelle's boss, but he's been double-crossing her as well.
23:38And I think that's what they're just working out now.
23:45I always find it dead sinister, that droppable going down.
23:49Yeah, it's one.
23:50This is literally brilliant, because, although it shouldn't combine humour and murder,
23:56it just does it so wittily.
23:58In one tense scene, Villanelle's boss arrived back at home.
24:05That's Constantine.
24:07Yeah.
24:07Do you think he's aware that he may be the next, er, the next one on the hit list?
24:21I don't think there's anybody there.
24:28Who's that shouting his kids?
24:34Oh, don't tell me Villanelle's under there with his daughter.
24:38That's it. She's going to be there, Lee.
24:41Oh, no.
24:47Baba!
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh, look.
24:50You've never called me Sausage before.
24:53You never called me Sausage.
24:55I've got a better name than Sausage.
24:56I really like Villanelle.
24:58She's sassy, isn't she?
25:01Villanelle?
25:02Mm-hmm.
25:04Mm-hmm.
25:05So sassy.
25:06Where's my family?
25:08You abandoned me.
25:09I was protecting you.
25:11They want you dead.
25:12No, they want you dead.
25:13Who told you that?
25:14Anton.
25:15Where is he?
25:16He's dead.
25:17Look how she smiles when she says it.
25:18He's dead.
25:19Yeah, I know.
25:21It's a matter of fact, isn't it?
25:23You wanted you dead.
25:24They wanted you dead.
25:26Where's Anton?
25:27He's dead.
25:29He told you to kill me?
25:30Yep.
25:31Yep.
25:31How do you want to go?
25:34I have pills.
25:37And I'll have a proper whiskey and a proper glass.
25:39Go on, then.
25:40Normally, when she goes to kill somebody, she's like, in, out, that's it, it's done.
25:44Yeah.
25:45Well, she's like...
25:46She's savoring the moment, isn't she?
25:48She's delaying it.
25:49She doesn't really want to kill him, I don't think.
25:51I'm so proud of you.
25:53I love you.
25:55Yeah.
25:56I love you more than this house.
26:00I love you more than my family.
26:01Does he mean it?
26:02I personally do believe him.
26:05Nah.
26:05He's trying to get into her head.
26:07They're playing mind games with each other.
26:10Take the pills.
26:12She's a right old bitch, though, isn't she?
26:14Yeah.
26:15She's not afraid of nothing.
26:17To dignity in death.
26:20And the world's fine.
26:24And the world's fine.
26:27And the world's fine.
26:30And the world's fine.
26:32And the world's fine.
26:33Oh!
26:34Oh!
26:37Oh!
26:38Oh!
26:38He just fully smacked her and did a home run.
26:44He's off like the clouds.
26:47You hit me with a lot!
26:51Come on, run, run, Constantine, run!
26:56Where's he going?
26:57I don't know.
27:00He's in a boat.
27:01And...
27:02What about his family though?
27:11He's in a boat.
27:15He's in a boat.
27:16He's in a boat.
27:17Oh!
27:18Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:19Oh!
27:20Oh!
27:20Oh!
27:20Oh!
27:22Oh!
27:22I know I do it every time I drive past you, like that.
27:31In Manchester...
27:32Right, now listen, David.
27:34David, I'm going to put... smell it, yes.
27:37It's a dog treat.
27:38Right, I'm going to put it under there, yeah?
27:40Now watch.
27:43Concentrate, Dave, concentrate.
27:45No, you can't... Dave, concentrate.
27:48Which one is it? Which one is it?
27:50Right, which one, Dave?
27:51Which one is it?
27:53Which one is it?
27:54You've got to put your paw on it.
27:55Which one? Where's he gone?
27:57You've got to put your paw on it.
27:58Which one?
27:59Put your paw on it, which one?
28:03Right, which one?
28:04Put your paw on the one, that one.
28:05Yay!
28:10In Hall.
28:11Nobody's ever asked for my phone number,
28:13but I've had quite a few kinky calls.
28:16Oh, you've got kinky calls.
28:17I have.
28:18Best friends Jenny and Lee.
28:20The first one he ever got was when I was down Tharsby Street
28:23and I thought it was somebody having an asthma attack.
28:27No.
28:28Yeah.
28:30I went, hello.
28:31I put my telephone voice on.
28:33You put your telephone voice on, yeah.
28:34Newby Tharsby Street.
28:40I said, can you tell me your name?
28:42Are you all right?
28:43I went, what was it?
28:44I went, what was it?
28:45I don't know.
28:46I think somebody was not very well.
28:47And that's what I thought he was.
28:49Was he asking you things?
28:50No.
28:51He couldn't get his breath.
28:53On Sunday, a famous family from down under made their return.
28:57I've seen this advertised.
29:00It's Steve Irwin's family doing an animal program.
29:03There's something about Steve that you couldn't really put your finger on.
29:07G'day.
29:08I'm Steve Irwin.
29:09Oh, I love him.
29:10What a lad Steve Irwin is.
29:12Crikey.
29:13That'll take me head off.
29:15You watched him on television.
29:17You kind of thought, is he actually really like that?
29:21He was.
29:22He did take some chances, didn't he, Steve?
29:25Take some chances.
29:26He's bloody dead, love.
29:27Is he?
29:28Hi.
29:29Is he?
29:30Yeah, he's just stung by a bloody stingray.
29:34Steve and I often talked about our big dream for Australia Zoo,
29:38to make it the best zoological facility on planet Earth.
29:43His family are doing it.
29:44Yeah, his wife and his son and daughter.
29:47With everything that we do, we're ultimately trying to continue Dad's legacy.
29:51And that's his son.
29:52Oh, you've left a good legacy then, haven't he? Fair play to him.
29:55Yeah.
29:59He used to love saying crikey.
30:02Crikey.
30:03This is like keeping up with the Kardashians, isn't it?
30:05Every morning...
30:06But like in Australia and setting the zoo.
30:09Yeah.
30:10Minus the arses.
30:11Yes.
30:12In the episode, we met Steve's son, Robert.
30:16Dad and Crocs have had a very long history.
30:19He's like him now, isn't he?
30:22Yeah, let's hope he don't end up like him.
30:25Robert's 14.
30:26It's his turn.
30:28And for the first time, he's going to be able to tell everybody about crocodiles on his own.
30:33So he's gonna do it?
30:34He's gonna do what his dad did?
30:36At 14?
30:38Bloody yell.
30:39I was too busy smoking behind bloody co-op at 14.
30:43I wish I could have done something so cool at 14.
30:46I was playing Minecraft.
30:48So we've made the decision and your first ever full demonstration croc feed is gonna be Graham.
30:56Graham.
30:57This guy...
30:58He's a big croc.
30:59Bloody Graham?
31:00Graham.
31:01That's a name for a bloody croc, isn't it?
31:03Graham's your mate's dad.
31:04Not a big scary crocodile.
31:06If he's not focused on the food, he'll go straight for your head, he'll go straight for your stomach.
31:10He'll go for your legs.
31:12Poor bloody Robert doesn't stand a chance.
31:14Graham's just gonna smell fresh Erwin and go straight for him.
31:19Today is a particularly exciting day because Robert, for the first time ever, is going to be doing the croc
31:26show in the croc-aseum on his own.
31:29Well, there's not people bloody walked in, is it?
31:32Well, if he's gonna go down, he may as well go down in a blaze of glory.
31:36What croc are we doing today?
31:37He's my favourite crocodile and his name is Graham.
31:41Oh, Graham.
31:41So you reckon you're up for feeding him?
31:43Yeah.
31:43I think I'm up for it.
31:44This would be my voice though.
31:45Um, so this is Graham.
31:48He's a crocodile.
31:49About to feed him now.
31:52Here we go.
31:53Let's go.
31:53All right, mate.
31:54Just watch him, eh, because he's a goer.
31:56I mean, you've only got a slip and that crocodile's on you.
31:59Yeah.
32:00And then you're brown bread.
32:01But you can see he's setting up for a strike.
32:03I'm out of here now.
32:06Oh, quick, hurry up.
32:07Sling it in his mouth.
32:10Oh!
32:11Yo!
32:13Great work, Robert.
32:14Down in one.
32:16Didn't even chew it.
32:17The thing is, you can only wave chicken in front of a crocodile's face for so long before
32:20it goes, oh, hang on.
32:21What's actually giving me the chicken?
32:23Yeah.
32:23That's what I need to be going for.
32:25Next, he has to accomplish death rolling the crocodile.
32:29What's the death roll?
32:30Why would you wanna death roll a crocodile?
32:34It's something I've never been able to do.
32:37But your 14-year-old son might just be able to do it.
32:44Oh!
32:45My heart would be pounding.
32:47Ooh.
32:48He's got that right.
32:49Oh, so now he tugs on it, so he thinks he's putting up resistance.
32:53Here we go, here we go.
32:54Go, go, go, get him, get him!
32:56Go that way.
32:56This way.
32:57That's it.
32:57Well, that's the death roll.
32:59Is that it?
32:59Yeah.
33:00I could do that.
33:01Get a bit of meat to a crocodile rope.
33:03That's easy.
33:04It's big enough for, really.
33:06Yeah!
33:07Good work.
33:08I'd be a bit good if I went to a show to watch that.
33:11Not gonna lie.
33:13Crocodile doing roly-poly's in the water.
33:16You know what?
33:16It really makes you appreciate who your parents are.
33:19Like, Dad would just be proud if I could, like, change a plug.
33:23Yeah.
33:23I don't have to death roll a crocodile.
33:26Just so you know I can't change a plug as well.
33:35In Brighton.
33:36Guess what I done today?
33:38What?
33:38I bought my first Christmas present.
33:40Christmas shopping already?
33:42Oh, no.
33:43I'll do it last minute, mate.
33:44Steven and his mum, Pat.
33:46Start round on Christmas Eve, grab everything for everyone.
33:49Do you know what you're getting, or...?
33:52Well, I know what I'm getting you.
33:55Oh.
33:56It's the ticket.
33:58Oh, where am I going?
33:59Holiday.
34:00You guessed it.
34:02Yeah, you're fibbing.
34:04No, I am.
34:04You wouldn't tell me anyway.
34:06Yeah.
34:07Italy.
34:08Whereabouts in Italy?
34:10Sorrento.
34:11Oh.
34:12I've been there.
34:13Yeah, that's why I booked it, because then you know your way around.
34:16Oh.
34:18You're fibbing.
34:20No, that's what I've got you.
34:21No.
34:21Don't believe you.
34:23Yeah.
34:24One way.
34:28In Derby.
34:2915th of December.
34:30Cut me in.
34:3110 days before Christmas.
34:32Yeah.
34:33Man night.
34:33Yeah, I can't do 15th.
34:34Eh?
34:35The Siddiquis.
34:36Well, okay, so look, your plan on the 15th is Micro Massive, isn't it?
34:40Micro Massive Christmas party that I've got to be there for.
34:43But I can meet you guys before or after.
34:45Why don't we go to Uma's Master Market.
34:47What is it?
34:48Micro Massive.
34:49Micro Massive.
34:49All they talk about is microscopes and bacteria.
34:51That's all right.
34:53Oh, which bacteria would you kiss?
34:54You'll be invited.
34:55Okay.
34:56I don't want to come anyway.
34:57Yeah, that's right.
34:58If you could kiss any bacteria, which one would you kiss?
35:02Yeah.
35:03Not salmonella.
35:04One that grows in my armpits.
35:06Yeah.
35:07Homogeneity, though, which is like the sexiest bacteria.
35:10I would say syphilis.
35:12Oh!
35:13Because the shape of it is like quite bendy and curvy.
35:16Curvy, yeah.
35:17On Monday, ITV had some much-anticipated news from Westminster.
35:22I wonder about how many people are sat at home now having the tea thinking,
35:25here we go, this is going to spoil my tea.
35:26Yeah.
35:27It's the budget.
35:30From Westminster, this is the ITV Evening News with Mary Nightingale.
35:36Good evening.
35:38Good evening.
35:39She looks fucking freezing stood up there, don't she?
35:41Yeah.
35:42The Chancellor today claimed the era of austerity is coming to an end.
35:46Well, thank you very much.
35:48It's nice to know.
35:50It's coming to an end.
35:52That could mean anything.
35:53Hundred years' time, that could mean.
35:55Exactly.
35:56In his budget, there was more money for the NHS, defence, counter-terrorism.
36:00Counter-terrorism, the NHS.
36:03Oh, we've been asking for money for ages, but all of a sudden they're giving it to us now before
36:08Brexit.
36:09People don't want to know this anyway, Mum.
36:10People just want to know how much has my fags and wine gone up.
36:13In a budget that had been much leaked, Mr Hammond joked most of his big announcements had been announced for
36:19him.
36:19Including £20 billion a year for the NHS, £2 billion of which will be ring-fenced for mental health services.
36:26£20 billion a year for the NHS, £2 billion a year for mental health and all these other goodies.
36:32I wonder where the money's coming from.
36:34Yeah, where is the money coming from?
36:36The Brexit dividend.
36:37There'll be an extra £1 billion for defence to combat cybercrime.
36:41Cybercrime, Mum. You don't want anyone tapping into your bingo online, do you?
36:45No.
36:46I'm frightened of online banking.
36:48Well, don't get much off me. I'll tell you now, Lee. It won't be worth winning my account.
36:52More than £400 million for minor roadworks, including dealing with potholes.
36:57That's just for Hull.
36:59Counter-terrorism policing gets £160 million.
37:03Potholes get £420 million!
37:07They're so much more important that your car doesn't bump on a pothole...
37:12Yeah, they get blown up by a terrorist.
37:13...than you get blown up by a terrorist!
37:15...duty on fuel, spirits, beer and cider will be frozen...
37:19Whee!
37:21...£20 an hour...
37:22See? They've done this for votes.
37:24...but increased on wine and cigarettes.
37:27Wine drinkers never fucking liked them.
37:30You can't put more money on bloody Lamborghini.
37:32Oh, I like Lamborghini. I do.
37:35Your ciggies are going up, man.
37:38I can remember you saying, if they ever go over £2 a packet, I'm giving up.
37:42£3?
37:44Two.
37:44How much are you going to let it go up to before you give up?
37:4788.
37:50Well, fuck it, Julie. Austerity's over. I'm going out this weekend. You coming?
37:53Yeah, OK.
37:54I'll go mentally.
37:55Only if you let me have a glass of wine.
37:57Fuck the wine. You can't afford that anymore. You can have a lager and fucking like it.
38:03In Blackpool...
38:04Yeah, I'll stand on my shoulders.
38:05What? Why?
38:06Because I've been practising squats.
38:08Pete and his little sister Sophie.
38:11I don't understand what I'm doing.
38:12You're going to stand on my shoulders? I'm going to do a little squat with you on my shoulders.
38:16Stand on them?
38:17Yeah, just like...
38:18What, like that?
38:19Yeah.
38:20Or actual shoulder ride?
38:23Literally stand on my shoulders and I'll do a squat and hopefully my back won't cave in from the weight
38:30of you.
38:32I'm quite nervous about this. Why are we doing this?
38:36Well, see how strong I am.
38:39Right.
38:39Good working bloody circus me.
38:41Right, are you ready?
38:42Go on. Go on.
38:45You are heavy.
38:49You should read the weight restrictions on bridges before you go over them.
38:53You cheeky twat.
38:57In Wiltshire...
38:58Shall we carve some fangs, Mary? It can't be too tame. We want to frighten the urchins in the village.
39:04Giles and his wife, Mary.
39:07I'm really pleased with that. We could have multiple faces all round it.
39:11No, no, two is enough.
39:14How about that? Shall we...
39:14I think...
39:15Shall we try standing it?
39:16That's not even...
39:17Let's just stand it here and see how it looks on the cat.
39:24Okay, jump up and look at...
39:26Okay, look at it.
39:30That is great, Mary.
39:33Do you know who it looks like?
39:35John Prescott.
39:36It doesn't.
39:38This week, we caught up with another terrifying instalment of the scariest thing on telly.
39:45Oh, man.
39:46Yeah, you can't relax, Marky.
39:48This is gonna be awful.
39:56Everybody's talking about this at work.
39:58Oh, yeah.
39:59Do you want a cushion?
40:00You sure?
40:02I don't need no damn cushion. I'm a grown man. I just don't like horrors.
40:05HE LAUGHS
40:11Oh, it shits you up, don't it?
40:15Oh, don't, Lee. Don't. I haven't even frigging started yet.
40:19HE LAUGHS
40:19In one eerie scene, Luke and his twin sister, Nell, were playing a game.
40:25Ready.
40:26I'm sending them three buttons. You ready?
40:29I said I'm ready.
40:36Two.
40:37I said three.
40:39Well, I only got two.
40:40Where's button number three, then?
40:42I don't know.
40:44Maybe we can drop some other stuff to shake it loose.
40:47It's got that sort of, um, something's gonna happen feel about this.
40:51There are some rocks in the garden. Pretty ones. Abigail, show me one in one.
40:57Where did that come from?
40:59Where did that come from?
41:03Where did that come from?
41:06That's a say something.
41:10What the hell was that?
41:12Someone's talking to him.
41:14Oh, it's a haunted home.
41:22There's nobody in the room.
41:24Oh, God.
41:28Nellie's still down there?
41:31I was right.
41:32There's nothing.
41:34I was gonna see eye or something, man.
41:39Oh, fuck.
41:42Shit and hell!
41:47Does the shivers have poo, doesn't it?
41:50Later, in another gloomy scene, little Luke was having trouble sleeping.
42:01Oh, no, don't say there's something in the room.
42:04Someone's gonna come up from under his bed, guaranteed.
42:06Peter, stop it.
42:07He's gonna have a hand coming up.
42:09Stop.
42:17WHISTLE BLOWS
42:23There's nothing.
42:24Knocking?
42:25Somebody banging, is there?
42:27Something going on, eh?
42:39I can't watch this, you know.
42:41I really can't.
42:48What the hell is that?
42:49What's that now?
42:50Oh, somebody hanging.
42:52Where?
42:52There.
42:57Oh, my God.
42:58Oh, my God.
42:59What is that?
43:04Shit.
43:11He's floating.
43:12I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it.
43:20I don't like it.
43:20What would you do?
43:21If you were Luke, what would you...
43:22Hang on.
43:28Oh, man.
43:34Oh, he's coming in.
43:34Oh, shit.
43:46Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
43:47I don't like it.
43:58I don't like it.
43:59Okay, I'm gonna cry.
44:14Oh, he's gonna look under the bed.
44:30Oh Jesus he's not coming back
44:49Oh my god
45:14Jesus Christ
45:19I'm not into that next week. I'm not into that
45:22Jesus that's all you're watching is a pair of feet floating on the floor and you're cacking yourself
45:29I've never seen a ghost
45:30I have never seen a ghost
45:32I don't want to really see one either
45:35Did you feel that?
45:38Feel what?
45:40Did you feel it vibrating?
45:44Lee are you taking the piss because I'll tell you now
45:47Jenny I'm not doing how I swear
45:48You're pissing him out
45:50I swear I haven't done anything
45:53I haven't I swear I haven't done now
45:55What's out?
45:58Fuck off
46:01Ali you out there
46:04Lee you out there
46:11I'm shaking
46:14Monday for a live Brexit debate
46:17Channel 4 has commissioned one of the biggest surveys of public opinion since the referendum
46:21What the nation really thinks live at 8
46:24Here's a gear change for you
46:25First dates later at 10
46:27We get to see whether the apple has fallen far from the tree
46:30Fred is the apple
46:32Just to be clear
46:33His dad paying a visit
46:35Up next
46:35The last leg is live
46:40Perfect world
46:41Perfect world
46:42Perfect world
46:42Perfect world
46:42Perfect world
46:42Perfect world
46:43Perfect world
46:43Perfect world
46:43Perfect world
46:44Perfect world