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00:00Who's coming to run?
00:05Every evening in Britain,
00:07It's the X-Factor Justice!
00:08more than 20 million of us choose to spend a night in, in front of the telly.
00:13You've just won one!
00:15Somehow we find the time to watch an average of four hours every day.
00:20Jesus, what is wrong with these peeps?
00:25Now imagine while you watched TV, it was watching you.
00:30They don't give a fuck.
00:32There's no words to describe, is it?
00:35What would it see?
00:36As you hook up yourself.
00:39We're going behind closed doors.
00:42He's arrogant, Simon Cowell.
00:44Into living rooms up and down the country.
00:47Nice sound.
00:48To find out what people thought about what was on in the last seven days.
00:57In the week when the Chancellor released his latest budget, we enjoyed lots of great telly, including...
01:05The dramatic events in Corrie.
01:07You know, what is it with these sitcoms when all the pubs burn down?
01:11Didn't they have this exact scene on EastEnders?
01:13New BBC Two series, Poor Hollywood's Bread.
01:17It gives you a slight shine.
01:18Is this all he does, is bread?
01:20Well, the fucking looks of it, yeah.
01:23And feature-length ITV documentary, Our Queen.
01:27A bit too long, the programme itself, wasn't it?
01:29It didn't need to be two hours, did it?
01:30Yeah.
01:40Red Nose Day.
01:42In their front room in Liverpool, our retired teachers, Leon and June.
01:47I've given £30.
01:49Do they do this for free?
01:51I think they do, don't they?
01:52I hope so.
01:54They earn enough.
01:56Mum!
01:57Red Nose Day!
01:59At 16, Louie is the youngest of the Michael children, and is currently studying for his GCSEs.
02:07Is that your cheesecake?
02:08Yep.
02:09Cheesecake.
02:09Since when do we...
02:10And Comic Relief.
02:11Mum, why is it's cheesecake?
02:12What could be better?
02:13In North London...
02:14Are we going to donate tonight?
02:16What's the difference between Comic Relief and Children and Children and Children?
02:18Nicky and Jonathan Tapper met while holidaying in Israel 18 years ago.
02:24Comic Relief and Children and Children is just two different programmes,
02:27and they're basically raising money for charity.
02:32And they, like 12 million of us, watched Comic Relief on Friday night.
02:38Should we turn it over, so I have a sales of tenor?
02:41The first Comic Relief hit our screens 25 years ago,
02:45and this year's telethon was opened by larger-than-life Lenny Henry.
02:51Oh, my God! Look at Lenny!
02:55Oh, he looks big and fat!
02:58If anyone has been affected by seeing any of these suits again,
03:00then a helpline will be available after the show.
03:03No, Lenny. That's not funny.
03:05Everyone out there...
03:06As well as Lenny, there were other TV stars on hand for a good cause.
03:10Er, let's see if we can get a million texts in this hour.
03:12I dare you, you double-do me, I triple-do you back.
03:14Why are you asking people like us for money,
03:16and you've got enough to take over there?
03:19He's got him paying enough money.
03:21Huh?
03:22Who?
03:22Him!
03:23What's his name?
03:25Dermot O'Leary.
03:26Yeah, him.
03:27One highlight of the evening
03:29was Simon Cowell's wedding to a mystery bride.
03:32Now, there's no need to be nervous.
03:35He's arrogant, Simon Cowell.
03:37To help raise money to alleviate poverty
03:40across the UK and Africa,
03:42the church was packed with famous well-wishers.
03:51Who are they, Jane?
03:53No idea.
03:54That's Amanda Holden.
03:56And, um...
03:57And, um...
03:58Oh!
03:59Look.
04:01He's got a hand...
04:04Who's that?
04:05Who's that?
04:07Who's that?
04:08Who's that?
04:08Who's that?
04:08Why does the noise make me cry?
04:11I feel it crying.
04:12No idea.
04:15Oh, Sunita!
04:17Oh, Sunita!
04:17She needs a light.
04:18She look good.
04:19She never wears clothes.
04:20That's why they give her a fig leaf.
04:22More than one or two fig leaf.
04:23They're doing a thing.
04:24Don't, can't tell me you ain't done it already.
04:26Hey, you ain't letting that go.
04:28He like that.
04:29He like it.
04:30She must do it good, though.
04:31Yeah.
04:32Stop the wedding!
04:34Olly Mars!
04:36Yes.
04:36Simon, I love you.
04:39Olly Mars.
04:39There was a picture taken with him in Covent Garden.
04:41Yes.
04:42Josh, Olly, Olly, Olly!
04:44How did that make you feel, him and his wedding dress?
04:47We know how much you love him.
04:49Yeah, not in that way, Mum.
04:50Don't make me sound like that.
04:53So, just who would Simon Cowell fall in love with?
04:57You're beautiful.
04:58I know.
05:02You're right, you're right, you're right.
05:04He's in love with himself.
05:05He thinks he's a don, doesn't he?
05:07I bet he's got the biggest head in the universe.
05:11Well, he's very intelligent.
05:12That is genius!
05:14Of course.
05:16He loves himself.
05:17I, well, I can't stand him.
05:19No.
05:20I can't, I can't stand any of those.
05:22I'm not religious, but I find that in very bad taste, I'm afraid.
05:25Oh, I think it's dreadful.
05:32Comic Relief wouldn't be Comic Relief without a celebrity visit to Africa.
05:36Well, we sent One Direction out to Africa.
05:39I'm so excited to see One Direction.
05:41No one cares about One Direction.
05:43What do I do, okay?
05:47One Direction visited a hospital.
05:50Oh, God.
05:51For severely ill children.
05:54We're here at the main emergency room.
05:56It's a bit of a strange atmosphere.
05:58It's quite eerie and it's quite quiet.
06:00No one's really talking.
06:01You can just hear a lot of kids crying.
06:04They don't give a fuck.
06:07Like...
06:07They might, but we all just know that they're there because...
06:10Yeah.
06:11...they've been told to go there.
06:12They would never go there otherwise.
06:13They would ask to go there.
06:14Like, it's bullshit.
06:18It's a one-day-old baby and a three-day-old baby set in a corridor
06:22with his face.
06:22What's up with his hair?
06:23SHUT UP!
06:25He has got funny hair there.
06:28Harry...
06:28Harry...
06:29What's his name?
06:29Style.
06:30Harry Wankfuck.
06:32They're nice boys.
06:33They've done well for themselves.
06:34I just don't like the fact that a couple years ago,
06:37they were like nobodies.
06:39And now they're fucking going to Africa.
06:41Like...
06:42No, I hate the fact that they're going over here like...
06:45They just look stupid.
06:46Like they care.
06:47This is good.
06:47One Direction.
06:49Big up.
06:49Yeah, because you know they're proper...
06:50Big up, round Direction.
06:52Oh, they're good doing that.
06:54It wasn't long before Harry Styles was overcome with emotion.
07:00Oh, you're making me want to cry, Matt.
07:02When I see people cry, I want to cry, too.
07:04He's crying, Harry.
07:05Oh, bless.
07:08Please don't make me save some of his life.
07:12I really do not think it's genuine, as upsetting as that is.
07:16Of course it's genuine.
07:18Of course it's genuine.
07:22Well, that's just what comic relief is,
07:25is using celebrities to raise money in awareness.
07:27I've given £30.
07:29You said ten times.
07:31Don't keep saying what you've done.
07:33You give because you love to give, and I know you do.
07:36I know, I love to give.
07:36Don't say how much.
07:38All right, I'm only saying.
07:38You're the most generous person I know.
07:41All right.
07:41The total raise, it is here!
07:45What's happened to all the money so far?
07:47Like, you're still seeing pleas for, like, a village haven't got a tap.
07:53But surely they should all at least have a tap by now.
08:04Amongst an evening filled with comedy sketches and appeals to donate,
08:09there was one film in particular that struck a chord with our viewers.
08:14Every single day in this hospital,
08:17children are brought in suffering with the worst type of malnutrition.
08:22Oh, for God's sake.
08:23Oh, it's just horrible.
08:26Two million children died last year
08:28because they didn't have enough to eat,
08:29and another two million will die this year.
08:31The film followed the heartbreaking story
08:34of two-year-old Victor,
08:35who was starving to death.
08:39Victor is just a toddler,
08:41and he's dying
08:42simply because
08:44he didn't get enough food.
08:46Oh, no.
08:47Oh, look at that.
08:49That's awful.
08:51There's too much food.
08:53We throw away...
08:54Oh, Mum!
08:55Well, it's true.
08:56We throw away all that food.
08:59You're talking to me about food waste.
09:01No, I'm not talking to you.
09:02I'm talking in general.
09:03I'm talking out into the ether.
09:05I'm talking about the Western world.
09:06I'm talking to you.
09:06I'm talking about the Western world.
09:07I love him.
09:08I'm just saying, don't talk to me about it.
09:09I'm the one who's emphasising food waste so much.
09:14Okay, well, can he please just listen?
09:15Victor's body is so starved of food
09:18that he's developed anemia,
09:20and he's struggling to breathe.
09:23But malnutrition has already had
09:25a devastating effect on his body.
09:30You can not do anything now.
09:34You just wait for nature to take its course.
09:41That's why I turn it off.
09:43I don't watch it for long.
09:45I have to watch something else.
09:46Cryonation Street.
09:48Or whatever it's on.
09:51No, watch it.
09:57Oh, no.
10:00Oh, my God.
10:16That's so sad.
10:19No, no, I'm going to leave in the room.
10:21It's completely on this side.
10:23I can't watch this.
10:25I'm not telling you this to upset you, really.
10:28It's just what happened.
10:31It's a tragedy.
10:32Yeah.
10:33There's no words to describe, is it?
10:35It's just, it's preventable.
10:38All of it is preventable.
10:40And if it is preventable,
10:41then why isn't it being preventive?
10:45You know something?
10:46They just show it, you know.
10:47But you know what they should do?
10:48They need to show it more often
10:50for people to start thinking more about life
10:52and their behavior.
10:55That's what they need to do.
10:57So what if they rub it in your face?
10:59Rub it in your face.
11:00You know something is true?
11:00Rub it in their face.
11:02They don't do it enough.
11:18Come on, rock!
11:20Don't forget your sauce.
11:22Best friends Sandy and Sandra
11:24have spent Valentine's Day together
11:26for the last 35 years.
11:32Man, what's how you done tomorrow?
11:34Oh, yeah?
11:35Mm, finished.
11:37Stephen's partner, Chris,
11:38would love to cut and style
11:40Barbara Streisand's hair.
11:44Which way do you peel your banana?
11:47Bassett is the youngest of Sid's three sons
11:49and got married seven months ago.
11:52Hang on a second,
11:53what difference does it make?
11:55It's the right way and the wrong way.
11:59For over 34 years,
12:02Sunday Night on BBC One
12:04has been home to the Antiques Roadshow.
12:07Wait, this is proper hangover TV,
12:09isn't it?
12:10And this week,
12:11over six and a half million of us
12:13tuned in.
12:14I love Antiques Roadshow.
12:16Car boot sale.
12:17Yeah, you're doing it in a post-car boot sale.
12:21This week we're in Chatham.
12:23Chit-hole, Chatham.
12:27The people of Chatham queued for hours
12:29to find out if their knick-knacks
12:31were worth a fortune.
12:33I always think that the best paintings
12:35of sailors and the sea
12:36are by sailors first
12:39and artists second.
12:41Have you seen all the people
12:42hanging round in the background?
12:44Yeah.
12:44Trying to look interested.
12:46They just want to get on telly,
12:48don't they?
12:49To move with the times,
12:51the BBC has recently launched
12:53an Antiques Roadshow play-along app.
12:56What's this game supposed to do then?
12:58You guess how much things are worth.
13:01All right.
13:01And if you get it right,
13:02at the end of it,
13:03you get fuck all.
13:06One couple had brought in
13:08some bits of broken glass.
13:10Oh.
13:12This is different.
13:14They looked at it
13:16and then immediately said
13:17that it wasn't the nation-class.
13:20£10, £50,
13:22£100 or £500 tenner.
13:26No, £50.
13:28Yeah?
13:29£100.
13:30It's broken.
13:31And actually,
13:33what's the tenner?
13:35Oh.
13:36Tenner?
13:39I'm not being funny.
13:40If you bring broken glass today,
13:43who's going to buy it?
13:44Well, a beautifully made
13:46wooden presentation box.
13:48But it was some Russian jewellery
13:50that was the real star of the show.
13:52Oh, it's a necklace.
13:54They're surmounted
13:55by tiny, tiny diamond laurels.
13:58Look cheap though, isn't it?
13:59And it says, quite plainly,
14:03K Faberge, Moscow.
14:05Faberge?
14:07Faberge?
14:07They're Faberge eggs,
14:08aren't you?
14:09They're worth fuck all.
14:10Faberge eggs are expensive.
14:13Oh, only loons fucking collect them.
14:15You can get them
14:15in the back of the Sunday newspaper.
14:18No, they're Faberge-inspired eggs.
14:20They're not the real ones, are they?
14:22This is a whiff
14:23of pre-revolutionary Russia.
14:25No wonder it's Russian ugly
14:27because Russians are so cold
14:29and stern, aren't they?
14:30Huh?
14:31Russian people, aren't they?
14:32What's going on with Russia lately?
14:33Well, I don't know, boy.
14:34I know their burgers are 10 pounds.
14:36Yeah, they're like...
14:37Yeah, they go McDonald's.
14:38They've got McDonald's, innit?
14:39They're 10 pounds.
14:40When they first came out,
14:41they were 10 pounds for a burger.
14:43And so when we see
14:44these things coming through...
14:45I'm going to say it now.
14:4710,000.
14:49No.
14:50But in this curious,
14:51claustrophobic world
14:52of the Romanov court
14:53and its orbit...
14:5512 grand.
14:57So I'd be dafted.
15:01They're worth 12 grand.
15:02I'll eat my fucking socks.
15:05And Faberge's empire was destroyed
15:07utterly and completely
15:08and forever.
15:09And so when we see...
15:10Why do they have to waffle
15:11about something for an hour
15:12before they tell you
15:12how much it's worth?
15:14Get on with it!
15:15In 1917,
15:17catastrophe happened
15:18because the Russian Revolution
15:19came about.
15:20And it actually just like
15:22that how much?
15:22How much?
15:23How much?
15:23How much?
15:24How much?
15:24How much?
15:24I don't care.
15:25I don't care.
15:26How much?
15:26And mercifully,
15:27your friend has taken
15:28enormous care of it
15:29because it's almost
15:30perfect condition.
15:31Come on!
15:33How much is it worth?
15:35And your friend has an object
15:37which is undoubtedly worth
15:4012,000 pounds.
15:42Oh my God!
15:43Woohoo!
15:44Oh my God!
15:4512 grand!
15:46I was correct!
15:5212 grand!
15:5412 grand!
15:55And look at it!
15:56Toilet chain,
15:57two, three balls
15:58hanging off of it
15:59and a leaf.
16:01So from HMS Gannett
16:03and historic Dockyard Chatham
16:05from all the Roadshow team.
16:07Bye-bye.
16:08Bye-bye, Fiona.
16:10There's no heirlooms
16:11in this house.
16:12For sure?
16:13I haven't got...
16:14No, that's a paperweight.
16:16Yeah?
16:18I don't mean to be funny.
16:20Right?
16:21That's Egyptian handbag.
16:22Oh yeah!
16:23Yeah, yeah.
16:23You see you now?
16:25You see how quick
16:26you jump on that?
16:29You see how quick
16:30you jump on that, Queenie?
16:32You don't even know
16:33and you've got something
16:34in your house
16:34and you're watching it
16:35on television
16:35and you want to be cussing.
16:37Is it silver?
16:38Do you feel like
16:38I bring pawns up tomorrow?
16:39Give me, I'll take it
16:40if you don't want it.
16:41Are you all right?
16:42I'm all right!
16:43You're sure?
16:47Can you get me a dark coke
16:48with immediate effect?
16:50No.
16:51Look.
16:52What's on, babe?
16:52What's going on?
16:53Here, here.
16:54What's going on here?
16:55The body suffers.
16:56Evoque.
16:57Come on, pass me the remote.
16:59Louis, Louis, Louis.
17:00I'm not saying it.
17:01It's too far.
17:01I can't reach.
17:02Louis, you pass it.
17:03Okay.
17:05Oh yeah, that's it.
17:06Just tease me.
17:11A new series
17:13that launched
17:13on E4 this week
17:15was both shocking
17:16and horrifying
17:16to our viewers.
17:18Oh God.
17:20The body shocking show
17:21covers everything
17:22from extreme body art
17:25to colonic irrigation.
17:28I'm actually going
17:28to put my finger
17:29up your bottom.
17:30Oh no, no.
17:32Oh.
17:34Oh.
17:36Oh.
17:37Christ.
17:38Oh.
17:39Oh my God.
17:40Why have you
17:41put a pull on?
17:42Hey, this is plop.
17:43The first episode
17:45revealed the H&R
17:46of human suspension.
17:48Everything has to be
17:49100% perfect
17:51for this performance
17:52to go off properly.
17:54Fuck off.
17:54That must hurt.
17:55That must hurt.
17:56You take the back
17:57and get ready to go.
18:01Oh, I can't do
18:03the skin on your back.
18:04Hang it off
18:05the skin on your back.
18:07Fucking hell,
18:08these people are weird.
18:09Oh, why would you
18:10want to do that?
18:11What fucking enjoyment
18:12is that giving you?
18:14Queenie.
18:15Queenie.
18:17Jesus, what is wrong
18:18with these peeps?
18:20That's his buzz.
18:21People get buzz
18:22from cigarettes?
18:23People get buzz
18:23from alcohol?
18:25Can people get buzz
18:26from that?
18:27Yeah, but look at it.
18:27It's ripping the skin.
18:28I know.
18:29Years ago,
18:30you had to go to the circus
18:31to see this kind of thing.
18:32Yeah, they put it on telly.
18:35The programme also delved
18:37into the mysterious world
18:38of male nipple removal.
18:42Basically, today,
18:43I'm having my nipples removed.
18:46Why?
18:47Why?
18:48Why?
18:48Why?
18:50Why?
18:52Why?
18:54Why?
18:54Why?
18:55Why?
18:55Mum, he is telling you why!
18:57Basically, it's a deformed shape.
18:58Oh!
18:59My toes are curling up.
19:01Oh!
19:01I think my willies disappeared
19:03back up inside me.
19:09I actually cut around
19:11the, er,
19:12aurelia.
19:13Oh!
19:13Cut all the way around.
19:14I thought I'm like,
19:15ugh!
19:16Oh, look at the blood!
19:17You have to really...
19:18Oh, my God.
19:19I've seen it all now.
19:22These people,
19:24the ones having them cut off,
19:26and the ones cutting them off,
19:28all need locking up.
19:29I really hate your nipples
19:31to have them, like,
19:31actively taken off.
19:32Cut through to the centre.
19:35Uh-oh!
19:36My...
19:38Time for a glass of wine, I think.
19:40I think we'll move on.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:44Feel free to change channels
19:46at any time.
19:47I, you know...
19:49Not sure I'm going to do
19:50much more of this.
19:52Later in the programme,
19:54we were introduced
19:55to a studio guest
19:56with a very special talent.
19:59Tatiana Kozhevnikova
20:00from Russia.
20:01I bet she's having
20:02something done
20:03with her minge.
20:04So, uh, Tatiana,
20:06how did you first discover
20:07you had a very strong vagina?
20:09Dojo.
20:10Do you know what this reminds me of?
20:14What?
20:15The old programme
20:16used to be on years ago
20:17called Eurotrash.
20:19Oh, yeah.
20:20It's just a load of shit
20:20from around the world.
20:22It wasn't as bad as this, though.
20:25Right, Tatiana,
20:26well, we've got
20:26some different-sized weights.
20:28Book her up,
20:28and best of luck.
20:31Tatiana demonstrated
20:32her weight-lifting vagina.
20:35Oh, my God.
20:37Oh.
20:40Ha, ha, ha.
20:41Hanging weights
20:41from a fanny.
20:43That's cool.
20:46She put the thing
20:47in her pussy
20:47and her pussy clamp it.
20:49Are you trying to do it now,
20:51be honest,
20:51because I am.
20:52Yeah.
20:52Yeah.
20:56Oh, she's going to
20:57pick up the whole lot.
20:58Why don't you just
20:59lift a car, darling?
21:00Why don't you
21:00just lift a car?
21:02Oh, ho, ho.
21:07Oh, it's making me
21:08feel all weird
21:09down there.
21:10Oh, God.
21:13I can do that.
21:14Whatever.
21:15I can do that.
21:16Whatever.
21:17I will try.
21:18But I won't.
21:20Well, imagine
21:21if that was your mum
21:22on there doing that.
21:24Why would your mum
21:25be on there, though?
21:26She's going to be
21:27someone's mum,
21:28isn't she?
21:28Can you imagine
21:29looking back in this
21:30in 20 years
21:30and your mum's
21:31lifting weights up
21:31with a minge?
21:33Listen, hey, listen.
21:34If you bought in
21:36one million pounds
21:38in a suitcase
21:39and put it right here
21:42and say,
21:43hook up yourself.
21:45Hook yourself up, Sandra.
21:47I ain't hooking
21:48nothing on my minge.
21:53Ow!
21:56Stop it.
21:58If you go to sleep,
21:58I'll do that.
22:00Put your bottom
22:01on the back of this.
22:02Leave me.
22:02I'm going to sleep.
22:02No, get up.
22:03Come on, sit up.
22:04Get me something to eat.
22:06No.
22:09No, you can't have
22:10my monkey nuts.
22:11No!
22:12Give them back.
22:13No, seriously.
22:14Can I have them back, please?
22:15No.
22:15You can have two.
22:17You've got a whole bag.
22:19I'm Paul Hollywood
22:20and baking is in my blood.
22:23On Monday night,
22:24Paul Hollywood,
22:25star of The Great British Bake Off,
22:27got his very own show.
22:30I've been around
22:31the smell of freshly baked
22:33bread all my life.
22:34Well, how did he come from
22:35Bake Off,
22:36and he got his own show now,
22:38of what?
22:39Probably professional, you know.
22:40Just bare bread.
22:42Is this all he does?
22:43It's bread.
22:44By all the fucking looks of it, yeah.
22:46A masterclass in making
22:47a fucking life.
22:48I can't believe it.
22:49This program is called bread.
22:51Do you actually think
22:53it was solely bread?
22:54Terry, what did you think?
22:55It was going to be called bread,
22:56but it was going to be about meat?
22:57So I want to show you
22:58that making bread
22:59in your own kitchen
23:00is much more satisfying
23:01than buying a loaf.
23:03I don't care how you make bread.
23:04I fucking buy it
23:05in the supermarket.
23:07The thing is,
23:07you've got to have time
23:08to do with this,
23:09don't you, really?
23:10And the inclination.
23:11Who gives a fuck?
23:13I want to show you
23:14that making bread
23:14is simple, really.
23:16You mix.
23:18Mr. Hollywood started
23:19by showing us
23:20how to get his bloomer to rise.
23:22And all you're doing
23:23is play with it
23:23until you get to the point
23:24where your dough
23:25is nice and soft.
23:29Hasn't he got a great voice?
23:31...beat together,
23:32cash the sugar and eggs.
23:34I want to make
23:35an historic British bread
23:36to which I've added
23:37a modern twist.
23:43Stop it.
23:45You know you're doing well
23:46when it holds together
23:47in a bowl
23:48rather than...
23:49He's kneading,
23:50I'm telling you.
23:50He's kneading.
23:52And that's one hand,
23:53you know.
23:53That was just one
23:54solid, solid big hand.
23:56Look how far
23:57I can stretch that.
23:58That's the gluten.
23:59Like, this cooking
23:59is so good,
24:00it's like sexual.
24:01I don't...
24:01That's how good it is.
24:02Look, that man's
24:03making me want
24:04to go into his house
24:05and ask him
24:06for a bit of that bread.
24:07I'm there now, actually.
24:08Look at that.
24:09Mmm.
24:10It's getting smoother
24:11and smoother.
24:13It's good with his hands,
24:14isn't he?
24:15He's nice, isn't he?
24:16I'm pulling back
24:17and look at my...
24:18He's kind of messed up.
24:19Yeah, I bet he's
24:20amazing with his hands.
24:21Mm-hmm.
24:22This is probably
24:24quite sexual.
24:25He's kneading buttocks.
24:28All the women
24:29in all over the country
24:31are just going,
24:32knead my buttocks, Paul.
24:33OK, OK, OK.
24:35The women's almost probably
24:36watch his program
24:37and be like...
24:40Soon,
24:41Paul was making
24:42an oat and ale
24:43round loaf.
24:44This needs to prove
24:45until it has at least
24:46doubled in size.
24:48You're not feeling
24:48a little bit of...
24:49No.
24:50No, I'm really not.
24:52Working his palms
24:53down the...
24:54No, I'm not.
24:55...spine.
24:55No.
24:56Working all that pain
24:57out of your ass.
24:58Try as you might.
24:59No.
24:59Oh, I'm slapping.
24:59Because I'd feel like
25:00he was kneading
25:01fucking dough.
25:03I'd think he's...
25:03Jesus Christ,
25:04I'm not a loaf
25:05for bloody bread.
25:07By the time
25:08he did his malt loaf,
25:09our viewers were reminded
25:11of another television chef.
25:12He's not exactly
25:14Nigella Lawson,
25:15is he?
25:16No,
25:17but I don't like
25:18Nigella Lawson.
25:19How can you not
25:19like Nigella Lawson?
25:20She's a goddess.
25:21Because she makes
25:22food all about sex
25:24and I think
25:24that's pathetic.
25:26She goes,
25:27mmm,
25:27like that
25:28and then puts it
25:28in her mouth.
25:29OK,
25:30you're almost
25:31up to the
25:32Nigella standard.
25:33But not...
25:34Can you put
25:35that down,
25:36please?
25:37Otherwise
25:37we'll be having
25:37an early night.
25:40I hate you so much.
25:45Stop!
25:59They then beat
26:00their sister college.
26:01On University Challenge
26:03this week,
26:03the team
26:04from New College Oxford
26:05took on
26:06Leon and June
26:07and the Tapper family
26:09who faced
26:09the usual
26:10baffling questions.
26:12Asking the questions,
26:14Jeremy Patton.
26:17Arrogant, rude
26:18and ill-mannered.
26:19Let's see if they
26:20can remain alert
26:21throughout the
26:21entire match
26:22tonight.
26:23Hi,
26:24I'm Remy Beecroft.
26:25I'm from Lettrop
26:25in Hertfordshire
26:26and I'm studying
26:26psychology and philosophy.
26:28And I'm Jeremy Patton.
26:30Pompers get.
26:30We're going to make
26:31you feel small.
26:32And finally,
26:33in seconds,
26:34the angle
26:34subtended by a length
26:36of 1.4959 times 10
26:38to the 11 metres
26:39at a distance
26:40of 3.0857 times 10
26:43to the 16 metres.
26:44Questions are ridiculous.
26:46Who knows these
26:47questions?
26:48One second.
26:49Correct.
26:50They do.
26:51For 10 points,
26:51I want you to tell me
26:52the specific anniversary
26:53the coin commemorates.
26:551985.
26:57No,
26:58it's the golden
26:58wedding anniversary
26:59of Queen Elizabeth
27:01II and Prince
27:02Phillips.
27:03Uh-oh.
27:04Of which domesticated
27:06animal is the
27:07adjective hefted
27:08generally used?
27:09Cow, cow.
27:10It describes those
27:10groups that instinctively
27:11return to their own
27:12territory, thus allowing
27:14them to be kept on
27:15common.
27:15Sir George is
27:16saying sheep.
27:17Sheep is correct.
27:18No, it's cows!
27:21The thing is, though,
27:22at this age,
27:23should you know
27:24stuff like this?
27:25Mate, when you're
27:2619 to 22...
27:26They've been locked
27:27in a room, I reckon,
27:28just fed books
27:29underneath the door.
27:30Between the age
27:31of 19 to 22,
27:32you should not
27:33know these things.
27:34You should be out
27:35there having fun,
27:36getting smashed.
27:41I can't get the
27:42cool cat.
27:44Nice sound.
27:48Queen!
27:49The monarchy!
27:50I love you back,
27:51our queen!
27:52Only one other monarch
27:54has celebrated 60
27:55years on the throne
27:56a diamond jubilee.
27:58But while the...
27:59The big documentary
28:00of the week was
28:01our queen on ITV1.
28:03Sovereign must be
28:04seen to be believed
28:05that monarchy is
28:07a team effort.
28:09Aww.
28:11Aww, look!
28:14Aww, look!
28:14Aww, look!
28:15After two years of
28:16planning, the greatest
28:17river pageant since
28:18Charles II is
28:20assembling.
28:21The programme
28:21followed Her Majesty
28:22through all the major
28:24events of her jubilee year.
28:26She's 86, you know?
28:27Yeah, no pleasure
28:28to say that.
28:28Good living!
28:29Good living!
28:30Good living!
28:30She's on it.
28:3186, and she's
28:33on it.
28:34Top bird.
28:35Now that's top totty.
28:38The film painted
28:39a picture of
28:40never-ending service,
28:41and our viewers
28:42love her for it.
28:46The things that
28:48she's done
28:48for this country,
28:50that good lady's
28:51the best woman
28:52in the whole
28:53world world.
28:53And I don't like
28:54when people
28:55turn around
28:56and start cussing her.
28:58She's got a presence,
28:59hasn't she?
28:59Absolutely, yeah.
29:00Yeah, but what
29:01does she do?
29:01Well, you can't
29:02sum it up in one
29:03sentence what she does.
29:04How is this?
29:05She's a queen, man.
29:06Yeah, there are
29:07lots of things
29:08you wouldn't even
29:09begin to understand
29:10rather what she does.
29:11You don't know, do you?
29:12Well, no, not in detail.
29:14But the fact that
29:15she is the head
29:16of the Commonwealth
29:17country, how many
29:18there are,
29:19it's just not,
29:20you can't sum it up
29:20in a day's work
29:21this is what she does
29:22or she doesn't.
29:23If it wasn't for
29:24the Commonwealth,
29:24there'd be no
29:26Pakistanis in this country.
29:27Exactly.
29:27So there's one for you.
29:28So you wouldn't be
29:28sitting here?
29:29It wouldn't have been here.
29:31Do you think she farts?
29:34I do, but quiet ones.
29:38Peep!
29:39The programme gave us
29:41exclusive access
29:42to one of her weekly chores,
29:44meeting with the Prime Minister.
29:47Is it in factories?
29:48That's right,
29:48the Deputy Prime Minister
29:50I went to a tractor factory.
29:53That's Cameron's got
29:53the chicken queen.
29:54Yeah, and the regs, innit?
29:55On a regular?
29:56Yeah.
29:58He's got to say
29:58the right thing.
29:59After all,
30:00it is her country.
30:01Yeah.
30:03Prime Ministers
30:03come and go,
30:04don't they?
30:05But he's got to convince
30:06her that he's not
30:07buggering things up.
30:08Yeah.
30:09Even though
30:10the royal family
30:11are on holiday,
30:12there isn't much
30:13what you call downtime.
30:14There's not much
30:14chillaxing.
30:15Oh, chillaxing.
30:16Did he just say chillaxing?
30:17He's trying to
30:18move with the times.
30:20Chillaxing.
30:20What a knob.
30:24On Monday night...
30:3510 and a half million
30:37of us were glued
30:38to our screens,
30:40gripped by the
30:40dramatic storyline
30:41in much-loved soap,
30:43Coronation Street.
30:44I think he's going
30:45to blow up the pub
30:46this week.
30:48To try to win
30:49back his ex-girlfriend,
30:50pub land lady Stella,
30:52jealous Carl
30:53sets fire to the Rovers.
30:55Do you remember
30:56him in Taggart?
30:57Yeah.
30:58He was in Taggart.
30:59Not realising,
31:01Stella was upstairs.
31:03Stella's in there.
31:04Does she die?
31:07I don't know.
31:08June,
31:08does she die?
31:10I don't know.
31:12Me and Stella
31:13pick up where we left off.
31:16To make matters worse,
31:17his former lover,
31:18Sunita,
31:19had followed him
31:20into the Rovers
31:21and now knew
31:21his evil plan.
31:23I'm not going to let
31:23you ruin things
31:24for me again.
31:29Oh, Sunita!
31:31Oh, my God.
31:32I bet she dies
31:33so she can go
31:35and lose women.
31:36Yeah.
31:37Oh, God.
31:39Sorry.
31:40I'm sorry.
31:42What a wicked man.
31:44I hate Carl.
31:45He's a swine, isn't he?
31:47Is he leaving her there?
31:48I'm still swine.
31:49She doesn't die,
31:50does she?
31:51No, don't die, Sunita,
31:53even though I know you do.
31:54You know if Sunita dies,
31:55you know what that means,
31:56don't you?
31:58You're going to see
31:58loads of dev overacting.
32:00Oh, God, yeah.
32:01You can feel the heat
32:02from here.
32:03Down, down, down, down,
32:04down, down, down, down,
32:04down, down, down, down,
32:05down, down, down, down,
32:06down, down, down, down.
32:06You know, what is it
32:07with these sitcoms
32:09when all the pubs
32:09burn down?
32:10Didn't they have
32:11this exact scene
32:12on EastEnders?
32:32And it's not long
32:35before the rest
32:36of the Corrie cast
32:37are called to the scene
32:38to watch the rovers
32:40burst into flames.
32:43Do you ever have
32:43to the car?
32:45Jesus!
32:47Oh, my God,
32:48I've got goose pimples.
32:49Well back, everyone,
32:50and stay.
32:50My mum is in there,
32:51will you please
32:52just do something?
32:53Where's the fire engines?
32:56There's some call
32:56the fire brigade.
32:57Everyone's watching
32:58like a soap opera.
33:00For fuck's sake,
33:01get the bloody fire engines.
33:04They're taking ages,
33:05where are they?
33:07I reckon they've
33:08done this too soon
33:10after the tram crash.
33:11They should have
33:11left it for a while.
33:13Help me!
33:14Help!
33:16The fire's on EastEnders.
33:18I mean...
33:18Queenie,
33:19quickie's pushing
33:20up through the window!
33:21I'm coming!
33:21I'm coming!
33:23I'm coming!
33:24I'm coming!
33:24I'm coming!
33:24Why doesn't she
33:25just lift us up?
33:27Clearly,
33:27it's locked,
33:28Mum.
33:29This is the best lock!
33:30I'm coming!
33:30I'm coming!
33:31Smash it!
33:32Take something
33:33and hit the window!
33:35Bracket with...
33:36There's Stella!
33:37I've got my...
33:38Oh, my God!
33:39Help me!
33:40Stella!
33:41They're just going to let
33:42her burn to death!
33:44Oh, for fuck's sake!
33:48This TV's...
33:48Shut up!
33:53Smash it!
33:54Bracket!
33:55Newslickles!
33:56Come on, kick it out!
33:57She can't break it, you see.
34:00Jesus!
34:01Another one again!
34:04Carl will rescue Stella
34:08and he'll be the hero.
34:09Of course.
34:11But Sunita knows he's settled.
34:13But Sunita'll be dead.
34:15Stella!
34:17Not, not Sunita, you know.
34:18Stella!
34:19Okay.
34:20I've got to get out!
34:21The episode ended
34:23with Stella, Sunita
34:24and Carl
34:25trapped in the blazing fire.
34:28We're trapped!
34:35Oh, wow.
34:37Very, very.
34:37Don't we know what's happened then?
34:40No.
34:40We've to wait till Wednesday.
34:44That was...
34:45That wasn't nice.
34:45It needs to be you can die to...
34:47How you can eat the chocolate
34:49and the blaze bun up.
34:50I'm crying for them, innit?
34:59Get yourself over to 4-7
35:01for the most talked about
35:03and popular programs
35:04from the last seven days.
35:06But coming next on more for
35:08It's Addictive, It's Dark,
35:09Kelsey Grammer
35:10is the boss of Chicago.
35:12But coming up,
35:13a smelly problem
35:14in embarrassing bodies.