Please Sir! S03 E06. Two and Two Make Nun.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 25th October 1970.  Mr Hedges fears that Maureen has run off to join a convent.  John Alderton - Bernard Hedges Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell Richard Davies - Mr. Price Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable David Barry - Frankie Abbott Roland MacLeod - Monsignor Sopwith Linda Cunningham - Pupil with long blonde hair George Georghiou - Pupil in blue tie Kristin Hatfield - Pupil in blue and yellow top Aziz Resham - Pupil in blue striped shirt Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt Suzanne Togni - Pupil in sky blue blouse

Transcript

00:27To be continued

00:30Pooh-pooh-pooh-pooh!

00:54The peace of life...

01:00the songs they have sung for a thousand years oh good morning been out with mr sibley again

01:08miss you well yes we went to see the sound of music it was enchanting quite enchanting i

01:13telephoned you 36 times last night doris yes mother told me why about which hymn to sing

01:19at assembly this morning or may i suggest sir christians awake salute the happy dawn

01:24mental tick pricey or smithy's back from convalescent this week isn't he yes part-time

01:32now of course two mornings and two afternoons a week starting tomorrow good morning

01:42what are you doing here boyo yeah part-time price tuesday and thursday mornings but it's monday

01:49oh oh well i'll have a cup of tea now i'm here

01:56you're sitting in my chair wyatt

02:04there's hedges at the gate tearing himself away from penny wheeler no wonder he's got chopped lips

02:09the boy's engaged mr price romance it seems to me there's too much of this carrying on gadding

02:14about seeking bawdy entertainment what the sound of music good morning unto you my children

02:22hey you're not supposed to be in here god moves in a mysterious way mr price oh does he

02:29the glory of young men is their strength and the beauty of old men is the gray head hey mr

02:35price

02:35oh quite uh little girl doreen is this a pussy no it's a lion licking daniel's leg

02:46oh

02:47doreen we respect your motives but you must respect our privacy

02:52nothing is private to god monsieur he is everywhere even in the labs

03:01bless you all

03:06so to end my lecture on the united nations well i reckon all the delegates when they got a barney

03:11going

03:11should fight out any actual building hence no wars simple so what would happen well done craven well done

03:20and you're right you've chatted for two minutes it does look hard well thanks very much duffy very kind of

03:26you to say so yeah and uh that's my point you see when you go out into the world it's

03:31it's nice to be able to express your views succinctly to the point and without repetition without

03:37repetition you just repeated yourself

03:40well that was for emphasis shannon different matter completely completely well when i work down walworth i won't need to

03:46talk you can't hear a bloody thing anyway with all them chills going

03:49well there is a world outside walworth shannon yeah marks and spencers

03:55well i said outside dennis so did i because it's just across the street yeah if you're facts in the

04:00other way walworth is just across the road from marks and spencers

04:02all right all right that's enough all right that's enough blind alleys you see the point of this little exercise

04:09move along the row sonny if fay wants to speak his piece

04:15i assume what you're trying to say is please sir may i give a little lecture to the class that's

04:20what i said right

04:23off you go then yeah easy innit

04:28what shall i say well look a talk on a subject you know something about abbott like

04:35well like like well you must know about something

04:41yeah private detectives

04:43yeah all right if you must go

04:49private detectives uh

04:50uh uh see uh private detectives they uh no no uh private detectives uh

04:59whoa they wear macs and hats and that don't i

05:02uh i've lost me fred now and i

05:06sit down

05:10maureen come here would you please

05:11yes my son

05:12don't be ridiculous

05:15where have you been

05:16spreading the word of god round the school

05:19yes well we have religious instruction and assembly for that purpose now go and sit down please

05:23i forgive you

05:25maureen come here would you please

05:30now look you really must stop behaving like audrey hepman in the nun story

05:34but i'm going to be a nun

05:35i've been called

05:36yes well it was probably a wrong number

05:39you really can't have you evangelizing all down the corridors

05:43you'll regret saying that when i'm in a convent

05:47god give me strength

05:55oh

05:56why don't they bring back the cat

05:59ah

06:00mr price

06:02i understand you have two free periods tomorrow morning

06:05yes but won't mr sibley be jealous

06:08i want you to go to euston

06:09and meet one of mr hedges guest speakers

06:12guest speakers

06:13they must have suicidal tendencies if they want to talk to that lot

06:16or perhaps they believe as i do

06:18that this idea of mr hedges is an excellent one

06:21people from different walks of life

06:23giving the children some idea of the opportunities open to them

06:26first class

06:27i hate euston

06:28ah the train gets in at 12 30

06:31and the gentleman you're to meet is a mr robert charlton

06:36robert charlton

06:39bobby

06:41bobby charlton

06:42some sort of footballer i believe

06:44some sort of footballer

06:46oh the party in that man's feet is like a hymn from the divine yolo goch

06:51well is he particularly good

06:53good

06:53oh doris he's so good he could be welsh

06:59maureen we really must do something about her you know

07:01i agree

07:02oh about your guest speakers the headmaster asked me to give you this list of acceptances

07:10did

07:11did he say yes

07:13i'm meeting him

07:15oh

07:18you remember those two at portugal

07:20oh the one he got against mexico

07:21there he was with his

07:23mexican goal

07:24listen you'll be the big mexican goalkeeper will you me jordan

07:26oh

07:27remember

07:27he had the ball

07:28he went one way

07:29took it the other

07:30right

07:30went round the table

07:32go

07:34charlton

07:35charlton

07:36yes

07:37it is i invited him personally

07:39all right

07:39morris

07:42and i suggested the hymns up to july of next year you know

07:46well that won't do five seem much good with this well you know

07:49and i've had an idea of my own car mechanics

07:52after all these children will own their own cars

07:54why not a couple of periods a week on vehicle maintenance

07:57it's quite a good idea sir

07:59yeah but i'm not really qualified

08:01i knew penny is

08:02she's very good

08:03yes she uh she had my distributor out only the other day

08:06mr edges

08:08your headmaster's not finished

08:09carry on headmaster

08:11oh yes

08:11yes i've got in an expert

08:14marvellous

08:14who

08:15the man who's had his head under monty's bonnet

08:19norman

08:20norman

08:23now

08:23this

08:24is the starter motor

08:25the

08:26starter motor

08:26that is the water pump

08:28yay

08:29you get lying

08:30perhaps he's right

08:31all right then

08:32we'll prove it shall we eh

08:33come on the driver's handbook

08:34driver's handbook

08:35that's it

08:35on the top there that's the one

08:36come on look

08:37all that

08:38right now we'll soon see you won't we

08:41excuse me

08:41yes

08:42just a moment though

08:43who's giving this lecture

08:45the lecturer

08:46what thickness of feeler gauge would you suggest

08:48that one inserted between the valve rocker arms and valve stems

08:50to check your clearance

08:53would you like to take that one mr edges

08:55not particularly no

08:58typical isn't it

08:59tell him then

08:59hmm

09:00tell him

09:00oh of course i'll tell him certainly

09:02yes

09:02well nothing you see it's uh

09:05we'll uh

09:05we'll be coming to that

09:06later on lads

09:08meanwhile we're going to reassemble this engine

09:10oh no we aren't cause he's going home to me

09:13oh wait a minute

09:13bye bye

09:14stop

09:15no no you see it's no but i've got to go as well poddy

09:17you see i'm meeting someone later on tonight

09:19and don't you worry about it too much because it looked like the starter motor to me

09:22yep

09:23done

09:24no

09:26oh

09:27oh

09:28oh

09:34very kind of you to give me a lift headmaster

09:36well the choir smithy we can't have you tumbling down that hill again

09:39well i don't intend to make a habit of it

09:42headmaster

09:42good night

09:43good night to you sir

09:44good night sir

09:57alright

09:58right

09:58well i'll have a look sir

09:59yes

10:02er

10:02can um

10:03can i give you a hand

10:06no

10:07thank you sir

10:07no

10:07as a matter of fact sir even i can't get it to start tonight

10:10you know sir

10:11no i'm afraid you've desynchronized the grommet on your off shop sir

10:13oh

10:14have i

10:14sorry smithy i'm afraid it's walkie walkie

10:18well

10:18but couldn't we tell her for a garage

10:20oh you don't want to do that mr smith

10:22no no robbers they are you know

10:23rob your blind

10:24oh yes

10:24no i'll tell you what ed martin you leave it to me

10:26and i'll have a ready for you in the morning

10:28even if after miss pete and miss uppercine

10:30oh

10:30thank heavens norman i put you on car maintenance

10:33thank you sir

10:35oh

10:36oh

10:36god

10:41hey abor

10:42you coming down that new discotheque tonight

10:44you know the one with all the skellingtons and colour lights on the walls

10:48i don't go down discos anymore sharon

10:51not now that i've realized that dancing is but a fleshy pursuit

10:54oh

10:55don't keep on

10:56oh that's it attack my religion

10:58everyone's doing it

10:59sir

10:59monsieur

11:00i'm not attacking it i'm just saying don't be so utterly pompous about it

11:04oh you don't understand

11:06not that it matters

11:07the good sisters will understand

11:10oh maureen if it's not sir it's the church

11:16hi sharon

11:16sir can't you do something about maureen have a talk to her or something about all this nunhood business

11:21well i've tried er sharon i don't seem to be able to get very close to maureen these days

11:25oh no like tonight

11:26all nose in the air and nobody understands

11:28except her sisters of course

11:30oh i thought she was an only child

11:32no a nun friend

11:33oh

11:34she said she was going down there tonight

11:36you don't think she was

11:38no

11:38no don't don't be silly sir

11:40she had a suitcase

11:42suitcase

11:44where's that

11:44no

11:45this way

11:45what right right

11:50maureen wait

11:52no

11:53wait a minute maureen

11:55maureen wait

11:59think child

12:01think

12:02no

12:26thank you for that

13:12I'm looking for Monsignor Sobwith.

13:16Pardon?

13:18I'm looking for Monsignor Sobwith.

13:21Found him!

13:23Oh, how do you do?

13:26Sorry, I'm not quite sure whether I'm...

13:32Right, right.

13:33Let me guess, you're not a Roman Catholic, are you?

13:36No, I'm not.

13:37Now, how did you know that?

13:39That little dance you just did.

13:41Sorry.

13:42So am I, but we can't win them all.

13:43Now, what can I do for you?

13:46Well, it's pretty serious, I'm afraid.

13:48I'm Bernard Hedges.

13:50Ah.

13:52Maureen's Secular Idol.

13:53Yes, and I'm a bit worried, you see, because she went in there with a suitcase.

13:56Now, the point is, has she signed any vows and is she bald?

13:58I mean...

14:00Do they get holidays and then again there are the parents to consider and I'll be banging

14:03on the door for ages.

14:04I'm a bit confused.

14:06Yes, so am I.

14:07What are you talking about?

14:08Well, I just explained.

14:09She went in with a suitcase.

14:10Now, is it irrevocable?

14:11Because if it is, I'm damn concerned.

14:12I'm very sorry.

14:13I'm very concerned.

14:14I'd better do something about it before you try and scale the walls.

14:18Look, I'm Chaplin to the convent.

14:20I'll get in touch with Mother Superior.

14:22But how can you do that?

14:23I've been banging on the doors for ages.

14:26God in his wisdom, Mr Hedges, inspired Bell to invent the telephone.

14:31That's what I suppose he would have done, really.

14:33Hey!

14:44Hello!

14:49Hello!

14:58Hello!

14:59Hello!

15:00Hello!

15:01Hi!

15:02Hey!

15:02Oh, hi!

15:03Hey!

15:28Well, we can rule out none running, Mr. Hedges.

15:31Oh, they've let her go, have they?

15:32Well, they've never had her.

15:33That suitcase contained old clothes which Maureen collects every week for the needy.

15:37Well, thank heaven for...

15:39Yes, yes, thank heaven.

15:41You see, Monsignor Soppith, I can't help feeling that Maureen's decision to become a nun is a bit premature.

15:47I agree entirely.

15:48Probably you wouldn't agree.

15:49What?

15:50My theory is that Maureen's feelings have a sexual root.

15:57Are you allowed to say that?

16:01Oh, yes, yes.

16:03You see, Maureen's had a crush on you for ages.

16:06Now that you're engaged to someone else, well, she's trying to commit her great abundance of affection elsewhere.

16:13Oh, I didn't know that.

16:14Who is he?

16:19Why is she?

16:21No, but seriously, do you think it should go as far as vows, marriage, things like that?

16:28No, I don't.

16:29I don't think Maureen's anywhere near ready to make a decision of this sort.

16:32Well, I can't explain that to her.

16:34I hope you can.

16:35So do I.

16:35I'll do my best anyway.

16:37You'll let me know, will you?

16:38Of course.

16:38Thanks very much.

16:39Oh, and by the way, if you ever want to come and practice on the organ, you're very welcome.

16:44No, thanks.

16:45I don't play.

16:53That's what I mean.

16:55Right, well, let's try again, sir.

16:57And this time, try to remember that he plays for Manchester United and not Manchester City.

17:02All right.

17:04Good afternoon, Mr. Charlton, and welcome to Fenn Street.

17:10Well, that's pretty good so far, sir.

17:13I would.

17:14Hmm?

17:15I would.

17:16Oh, yes, yes, yes.

17:17I would like to take this opportunity of congratulating you on your 500th appearance and your 106th hat.

17:27Cap.

17:28Cap.

17:29For Manchester City.

17:30United.

17:31Kingdom.

17:31England.

17:32Oh, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop.

17:33This is like being roasted by the FBI.

17:36Grilled.

17:37No, look, we haven't got much time to...

17:39I mean, he's coming this morning.

17:41Oh, BTD, Hedges.

17:42Beg to differ.

17:43Next Tuesday.

17:44Yes, he's better.

17:46But you told me he was coming.

17:48But she told me.

17:49Because the headmaster told me.

17:50Only because Hedges told me in the first place.

17:52I thought it would come back to me before then.

17:54Look, what's the point of me, Bryce?

17:56I ask...

17:57Oh, don't sound ugly, boy.

17:58I've won my phone.

17:59There's no point in me getting...

18:00And the whole thing leaves me looking complete bloody idiot.

18:05I did not...

18:07Sorry, um, staff meeting.

18:10Yes, yes, we'll implement that.

18:14Oh, what a good idea.

18:15We'll implement that.

18:17I'm going to enjoy being part-time, you know.

18:21Mon cher, mon senior.

18:23So, you were officiating at Hedges' wedding.

18:26I didn't know you were a rock cake, Hedges.

18:28Er, er, I see.

18:30Well, now, I'll, um, leave you two to get on.

18:33And all that.

18:36Well, Miss Blakesley is usually very sensible.

18:38And she's not here.

18:40Oh, don't worry.

18:41I've been to church unity meetings just like that.

18:43Right.

18:44Now, take a pew, will you?

18:48Well, have you, er, managed to have a chat with Maurice?

18:50Yes, I have.

18:52But I'm afraid I've failed.

18:53Yeah, you mean you haven't managed to talk her out of becoming a nun?

18:56Oh, I did that.

18:57But now she says she's never coming to church again.

19:01Look, what do you mean he chucked you out of church?

19:03What, I say, Peter?

19:04You mean he picked you up and threw you out the door?

19:07No, Denny, done it mentally.

19:09He said I was just in love with the idea of being a nun.

19:12Nerve.

19:12Well, he's right, though, isn't he?

19:14I mean, if you had gone to that convent,

19:15you'd have been tunnelling under the bleeding walls in six weeks.

19:18I guarantee that I wouldn't have stood for it anyhow.

19:22You're still my tart and, frankly, haven't done go out with nuns.

19:25No, you go out with little girls, so shut up.

19:27Shut up, all of you.

19:28Leave her alone.

19:31Cheer up, Moor.

19:33It's just a phase.

19:34First sir and then all this nunhood business.

19:37You'll come out of it.

19:38I don't know what I'll come out of it as.

19:40Or two.

19:41Well, you might as well enjoy yourself while you're thinking.

19:44Look, come down and dance tonight.

19:47Let's see what we'll do.

19:50Hooray!

19:51For me, Charlton!

19:54For me, Charlton!

20:00Now, I'm afraid there's been a slight technical hitch.

20:08And I've screwed the dates up and won't be coming this week.

20:12Gow!

20:13Bloody tip!

20:14Oh, that is it!

20:15However, five teams, what a reserve I've got.

20:18What a reserve!

20:19Yeah!

20:19What a load of rubbish!

20:21What a load of rubbish!

20:23I've persuaded Monsignor Sopwith to come and talk.

20:26Yeah!

20:27What a load of rubbish!

20:29I might have known you be in it together!

20:31What a load of rubbish!

20:33What a load of rubbish!

20:35What a load of rubbish!

20:38What a load of rubbish!

20:40All right, Pikesy, let's have absolute quiet, how are we?

20:42Hello!

20:43You should have seen her when I first got him.

20:46Now, Monsignor Sopwith is going to talk to you about a few of his personal experiences.

20:53Monsignor Sopwith.

20:59Why do priests give up the joys of snogging?

21:04Have you ever asked yourselves that?

21:13I heard that one at catechism, and I didn't believe it then.

21:16Well, I had to.

21:17See, the galley was the only place on board the troop ship where I could give communion.

21:21Now, I was very seasick, and not three feet away from me was a huge cauldron filled with

21:26the most evil-smelling stew I'd ever seen in my life.

21:30A cauldron is a large...

21:34The ship was painted khaki, my robes were scarlet, and my face bright green.

21:40And if that wasn't enough, the ship suddenly rolled, and I dropped my prayer book right

21:44into the steel.

21:46Well, of course, the prayer book disintegrated, and the result was that that day, everyone

21:51on board really did digest the word of God.

21:55You know that dance, Sharon?

21:56I will come, and I'll have a rave-up.

21:59A bloody good rave-up.

22:02Maureen, that's enough.

22:05And as for this...

22:06As for this...

22:08I'm going to stick it inside my dress.

22:12And if you will just make this cast out...

22:16I promise to go to church parade every Sunday morning.

22:21Amen.

22:23Oh, my.

22:25Trouble?

22:26Well, it ain't.

22:28It won't sort of start, you see, your remnants.

22:41Here we are.

22:46Yee-haw!

22:49Was that a minor miracle?

22:51No, I just turned the ignition on.

22:53Oh, I see.

22:53Well, it was a miracle with 5C.

22:55You went like a bomb.

22:56All except Maureen.

22:57Still, give her time.

22:59When she's sorted herself out, well, we'll just be there when she wants us.

23:03What a very Christian thing to say.

23:05And I've got the right clothes for it, haven't I?

23:08Look, if there's any way in which I can repay you...

23:10It's funny you should say that.

23:12Oh, is it?

23:13Yes.

23:14Now, I've seen...

23:15What can I say?

23:22I mean, what can I talk about?

23:23It's just like me with 5C.

23:25Young people about to go out into the world.

23:28Guest speakers.

23:29Excellent.

23:30Well, you pray for me, will you?

23:46Now, my children, Mr. Hedges.

23:51Stand, sit, kneel.

23:52No.

23:55Good afternoon, girl.

23:57Novice.

24:01Why do priests give up the joys of snogging?

24:03Have you ever...

24:04No, teachers, of course.

24:05Teachers.

24:07When I was first...

24:08Money.

24:37When I was first...

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