- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 15th November 1969.
Doris is offered the opportunity to move to Australia.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Eunice Black - Maud
Syd Conabere - Fred (as Sydney Conabere)
George Georghiou - Pupil
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Doris is offered the opportunity to move to Australia.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Eunice Black - Maud
Syd Conabere - Fred (as Sydney Conabere)
George Georghiou - Pupil
Kristin Hatfield - Pupil
Gregory Scott - Mr. Wyatt
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00What's up, Lord?
00:30BIRDS CHIRP
01:00Mom?
01:30The zip's gone.
01:38I haven't got a safety pin, have you?
01:44Thanks.
01:46Thanks very much.
01:57The BOAC announced the arrival of flight BA-723 from Sydney and Frankfurt.
02:05There they are!
02:07More dogs! More!
02:09I love the dogs!
02:11You look wonderful, dear.
02:13And you!
02:15Joris!
02:17Lovely to see you.
02:19I knew I should be silly.
02:21Well, after all, you're entitled. It's been a long time.
02:24How's the job going?
02:26Well, all news later. Let's get you home.
02:29No.
02:30No, I've just got to tell you now.
02:32Dorrance, we want you to come over to us.
02:34In Melbourne.
02:36Oh, a holiday in Australia.
02:38Oh, yeah, not a holiday.
02:39We want you to come for good.
02:41For good?
02:42We've got a lovely bungle out here.
02:44Have you got a car for the luggage?
02:46Yes, a colleague of mine will give us a lift.
02:48Oh, very kind of him.
02:49Where is he?
02:50Oh, that's him.
02:54That's him, over there.
02:57Mr. Hedges.
03:05Bernard.
03:06This is my sister Maud and her husband Fred.
03:13Hello.
03:14Come along, Maud.
03:15Real nice to know you.
03:18Fine, fine.
03:20You a friend of Doris's?
03:22Yes, yes, yes, I am.
03:27Grab a couple of these bags, would you?
03:29No, no, no, come on now.
03:45It's a very serious experiment.
03:47Now, come on.
03:48Get your hands up like that.
03:49That's it.
03:50Up there, that's it.
03:51Now then, wave them up and down slowly like this.
03:53That's it.
03:54Down and up.
03:55That's it now.
03:56Tilt your head back to an angle of about 45 degrees.
03:58five degrees it is no now say after me thank the Lord that Doris rotten you
04:04well is going to australia
04:09a little unkind right so it's not in my nature boil but just think of the
04:13possibilities of life without old tweedy knickers face of brown ale under the
04:18table all the kids in a permanent state of sedation and every company in the
04:22room bursting at the scene with sex star buddy girls I have a buddy girl of my
04:28own you're never in the playboy club no I meant man very nice no edges I'm never
04:39going to complain again about the noise planes make going over my house why
04:42going deaf no because one of them will soon be carrying Doris she said she was
04:47thinking about going price only thinking about it
04:49friend Street would certainly not be the same without Miss Yule mmm marvelous
04:54isn't it what I like about you Bryce never a thought for yourself eh well at
04:58least I'm not pinching her stuff before she's out of the door and she wants a
05:00metronome you know five see her in a concert this year well she do better with
05:03the earplugs she wants to hear them sing land of our fathers it'd be like
05:12Blackpool without the tower go on she's no friend of yours do you want her to go or
05:17not well I'm not sure I concede that Miss Yule can be a her virago at times but if we
05:24were to get a new head teacher in might not that person be a sort of a super virago oh dear she
05:30hasn't got a big sister has she on the other hand one of the staff here might be raised to Olympus
05:37yeah there's a cunning old Osborne oh not me price not at any price price
05:44no it's a job for someone experienced but younger
05:51I suppose it is yeah could be
05:58you've taken the Mickey out of the old Yorkshire light infantry
06:10I've taken his camel for a walk
06:15what do you want about the Yorkshire light infantry
06:18they march at that pace around oh yes they do everything at that pace
06:22yes the grand lads are all to a man well I'm glad you said that buddy because I'm from Yorkshire
06:32oh mind you they'd look pretty stupid prancing about at that speed you know
06:36but you were uh you were in the intelligence corps weren't you
06:39what them queers all of them no nothing queers
06:43you don't go in for generalizations you well as us lads you know had sand in their tea we knew it all
06:49haven't changed much have you right there you know at this very moment I know something
06:55you'll make your hair curl pipe cleaners
06:57information which I am not going to give you fine
07:05little birdie told me that their master is going to Australia
07:09well I don't think that's very funny losing a man of his statue
07:14headmaster
07:18yes where do you think he's been for the past three days then
07:20well do you know Potter we all thought he'd been to a conference
07:23oh blind sonny boy blind
07:25he's been up on the house making arrangements
07:29well I can see why you've never had any time for intelligence
07:32oh yes that's me for you
07:34oh
07:44and
07:45the first word in this song is not oh but
08:02that's why you're doing that to me you old broad double detention abbott
08:20now we'll try it this way you make an o in the lips with the index finger so
08:28now you try it
08:35now you try it
08:37and
08:39everything going well monsieur
08:49oh splendidly
08:51detention everyone
08:52oh
08:54they're being difficult are they
08:55monsters
08:56yes Australia must seem very inviting
08:58very
08:59now look here you lot
09:00this is a
09:01this concert's a big day for the school and for Miss Yule as well
09:04now why aren't you cooperating
09:05because we feel like a load of prune
09:07let's just be adult shall we
09:09can't I'm a child and I
09:11here we can give you old macdonald out of fog
09:13yes
09:14and welcome to all the animals
09:16I don't think that's a very good idea
09:17with a moon moon here and a moon moon there
09:18here a moon there a moon
09:20everywhere a moon moon
09:21everywhere a moon moon
09:22all macdonald out of fog
09:24silence
09:25we shall sing
09:28who is Sylvia
09:30I've got another idea
09:32yes
09:33Mr. Hedges
09:34why not show them what a charming piece this is sung in its entirety
09:37yes
09:38I'll play
09:39you sing
09:40what key
09:42er
09:43well I'm
09:44I'm
09:45I'm bass you know
09:46are you sure
09:47er
09:48oh yes
09:49er
09:50a bit lower
09:51a bit lower
09:52er
09:53a bit more
09:55mmm
09:56mmm
09:57yes it's about mmm
09:58now if I see
10:00listen
10:01and listen
10:02to Mr. Hedges
10:03enunciation
10:04in particular
10:05oh
10:06hold up me
10:07oh
10:12oh
10:13oh
10:14oh
10:15oh
10:16oh
10:17oh
10:18oh
10:19oh
10:20oh
10:21oh
10:22oh
10:24oh
10:25oh
10:26oh
10:27oh
10:28oh
10:29oh
10:30oh
10:31oh
10:32oh
10:33oh
10:34oh
10:35oh
10:36oh
10:37oh
10:38oh
10:39oh
10:40oh
10:41oh
10:42oh
10:43oh
10:44oh
10:45oh
10:46oh
10:47oh
10:48oh
10:49oh
10:50oh
10:51oh
10:52oh
10:53oh
10:54oh
10:55Well, don't think that I'm prying, sir.
11:00No, no, Potter, please.
11:02I'm cross-fertilizing my agapanther's lilies.
11:06With a feather.
11:08Yes, I'm trying to coax a few grains of pollen
11:12from his ripe little anther
11:14and popping it on her little stigma.
11:20But, Master, I mean, if you didn't do it, sir,
11:22could they do it themselves?
11:26Oh, yes, sir.
11:27Certainly, with the help of nature's little buzzing miracles.
11:31Yes, quite a lot of flowers do.
11:33Oh, my word, the things are gone in your own back garden.
11:36Mind you, sir, I expect you'll have a big garden over there, sir.
11:41We shall all have a big garden in the summer land, Potter.
11:45Oh, I understand, sir, yes, yes.
11:46You're playing your cards close to your chest, sir.
11:48Now, don't blow me off.
11:49Oh, yes, there's a lot of honourable gossips in this school, sir.
11:51Now, I'll just say this to you, sir.
11:5332, John Landy Street, Adelaide.
11:56Well, it's very carnival, but I don't really care for pen friends.
11:59Well, I hope this doesn't mean that you're not going to write to me, sir.
12:02I see you five days a week, Potter,
12:03but I will write to you if you really want to.
12:06I mean, when you're in Australia, sir.
12:08I'm not going to Australia.
12:11Yes, sir, I know.
12:12Well, it's just that I'd like to be assured, sir, that if you did go, you see,
12:17you would write to me, and, well, you know, sir, look up those people,
12:20and I'll just go and clean your car, Headmaster.
12:28Oh, that's yours.
12:29I'm just going to clean the Headmaster's car.
12:31I do hope Potter's not letting his drains get on top of him again.
12:38Headmaster, I'd like to speak to you urgently about something.
12:42Oh, well, if it's about your concert, I'm afraid I shan't be able to be there.
12:45With 5C in it, it might be better if you weren't.
12:48No, I wanted to tell you personally about a very important decision I'm going to have to make.
12:53Oh, dear, Doris, you've got your serious face on.
12:57Headmaster, I've been given the chance of living with my sister in Australia.
13:03Oh, so it was you. Potter thought it was me.
13:05Oh, Potter would.
13:06You.
13:07Morris, I don't want you to upset yourself.
13:10I haven't decided yet.
13:12You in Australia.
13:15That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
13:18Funny.
13:18I'm sorry, but really, I mean to say, you in Australia, you're far too old.
13:22It would be silly.
13:24Silly.
13:25I came to you especially.
13:27The most important decision of my life, hoping that you'd at least, well, influence my judgment.
13:32Look, look, look.
13:33I've got a vestigial calyx.
13:37Thanks for your vestigial calyx.
13:40And thanks for you.
13:42I've got a vestigial calyx.
14:58I don't find that very amusing.
15:01You're not standing where I am, mate.
15:04Good morning.
15:05What happens?
15:07It's all right, Smithy has just got back from the age of Stedford.
15:09Well, I can't see you.
15:11I am perfectly entitled to wear this.
15:14And anyway, I see no reason why at least one member of the staff shouldn't be dressed formally for the concert.
15:19Oh, blast. I've left my spats at the laundry.
15:23And I do think you chaps might try to get in a bit earlier in the morning.
15:26Well, you must have camped here overnight.
15:29That's it, Smithy. That's why he's wearing the black nightie.
15:34If you'll excuse me, I have to prepare some statistics for the headmaster.
15:38Oh, this chap who's impersonating Price, man, he's not very good, is he?
15:48No, he's captured the voice nicely, but the sentiments are completely alien.
15:52Yes, you're a character.
15:54You see, the real Price wouldn't be in yet, let alone doing extra work for the headmaster.
15:58Listen, with the staff situation in a state of flux, someone has got to rise to the occasion.
16:05Well, creep to it. You're after Doris's job.
16:08But what if I bloody am?
16:10If she's going to turn in her cane for a didgeridoo, I don't see why I shouldn't be up in front of the queue.
16:16I've often wondered whether your ambition ended at the saloon bar of the feathers.
16:20Oh, hello, monsieur. Well, I didn't see you come in.
16:22Evidently not. I think you might at least have waited until my tombstone was erected before dancing on my grave.
16:28You are going?
16:30I don't know. But if I do, I should obviously have no difficulty in raising the fare by voluntary subscription.
16:37Oh, come on, Doris. You know we all want you to do whatever will make you happiest.
16:41At this moment, that would be so violent, it wouldn't be really practical.
16:46Oh, Price, here is the milk bill. Will you want me to bring all the bills to you instead of Miss Yule?
16:50Oh, Price. I asked you to do that.
16:54Yes, he did.
16:55And may I say, Mr Price, that I look forward to a much more pleasant relationship, you know, with you as assistant headmaster than here to have been.
17:02Oh, good morning, Potter.
17:03Good morning, Miss Yule-like.
17:06Now then, Potter, I didn't actually say bring the bill to me. All I said was if Miss Yule was too busy.
17:12Oh, yes, you did. Though, if you remember, I said at the time I thought it was immoral.
17:16Come to think of it, it was your idea in the first place.
17:18Well, you lying toughie.
17:19Now listen to me.
17:20Oh, dear.
17:22Both of you.
17:24When I play the piano at the concert this afternoon, my back will be towards you.
17:28Should you wish to stab it further, I'm sure the headmaster will supply the knives.
17:34Become a teacher and learn what loyalty is all about.
17:37And don't you cry with your bloody cassock neither.
17:39You'll never tell me that 5C are a rough lot again.
17:42Compared to us lot, they're like a choir of angels.
17:44Don't look at me.
17:51If the cup fits, wear it.
17:59And now, form 5C will sing
18:02Who is Sylvia?
18:14Oh, dear. I must have heard wrongs from me Dad, Peter.
18:34He said false labour went out with the Germans.
18:36Yeah, it's victimisation, isn't it?
18:38Everyone else has gone home.
18:39All I'll have left at the chip shop's rotten crackling.
18:42I know. Is that all right?
18:44Got it in for us, haven't they?
18:46Do you really think that, Sharon?
18:48Yes.
18:48Well, you're right.
18:50And I'm going to have it in for you for a long time to come after that thoughtless exhibition this afternoon.
18:55It was only a little joke, sir.
18:56Don't be ridiculous, Maureen.
18:57Why aren't you picking on someone your own size?
19:03Not me. I ain't as big as you.
19:05Anyhow, all little kiddies play pranks.
19:08You should expect it going into your job.
19:09Prank? That was a satanic right.
19:11You mustn't say that.
19:13I thought you were crying.
19:15Well, I wasn't.
19:16Look, chick, if you really want to know what it was...
19:18Yes, come on, Mefistoffelies.
19:20It was a courageous moral stand against being used as playthings.
19:24Oh, then explain that.
19:25Never in a concert other years, was we?
19:26No, about as welcome as pimples on the bum, we was.
19:30Yeah, pimples, that's what we are.
19:32This year, it just calls the establishment records.
19:35Oh, yes, what jolly fun to have them thugs up there singing.
19:39We're supposed to kiss their feet and sing poxy songs.
19:41Hence the stand.
19:43All right, if you really wanted to prove just how courageous you were,
19:45why didn't you refuse to do the concert in the first place?
19:47Oh, that would have gone down big, wouldn't it?
19:49And we'd still have copped here.
19:51Anyway, it wasn't a personal thing against you, sir.
19:53I'm not talking about me, Maureen.
19:55I'm talking about Miss Ewell.
19:57This was a big day for her.
19:59Probably your last chance to be decent to her.
20:01Ah, come last, Charles.
20:03Because she might be leaving.
20:06Great!
20:09Heartless rabble.
20:10Well, we don't like her, do we?
20:12No, we don't.
20:13No, we don't.
20:16Oh, Miss Ewell, we were just...
20:17I heard.
20:18We ain't taking it back, Duffy.
20:21No.
20:22No, I wouldn't ask anyone to withdraw an honestly held opinion.
20:25Provided they don't expect me to withdraw mine.
20:28How do you mean?
20:30I don't like you, either.
20:32What?
20:32That sounds familiar.
20:34Surprising, isn't it?
20:35You feel perfectly entitled to think of me as a rotten old bag, or whatever the current
20:40folksy episode says.
20:42Whilst I, no matter what depths you think to, am supposed to regard you as simply lovable
20:47rogues.
20:49In fact, I find you the most obnoxious collection of yobs it's ever been my misfortune to teach.
20:53Hasn't it gone quiet?
21:02Is there anything I can do, Miss Ewell, apart from machine gunning that lot?
21:06If just one person in the school had said they wanted me to stay...
21:10Oh, lots of people do.
21:12It's just that nobody's actually said it.
21:14Good gracious me, you're like part of the furniture.
21:17What did that concert fiasco have, Master?
21:26I think you should start looking around for someone to take Miss Ewell's place.
21:29Price Doris leaving is about as likely as you being the one to take her place.
21:35Proportion, proportion.
21:36Price Doris has had a rough passage, but she'll come through like the sturdy old steamer she
21:41is.
21:42Well, I think she'd do better to steer across for the Antipodes while she has the chance.
21:46Exactly.
21:47I mean, outside school, she's just another middle-aged spinster with a budgery garth for
21:50company and treble stamps at the co-op for kicks.
21:52But good Lord Price, she has the school.
21:54Don't you ever chase away your clouds by saying, up the school?
21:57Oh, I frequently.
22:00Well, her current school experiences are hardly euphoric, and you laughing at her,
22:05headmaster, may well prove the last straw.
22:07Oh, is that why she cut my blossoms off?
22:10Because I said I wouldn't go to her concert.
22:12Well, I still think the Australians are going to get themselves a new fastball.
22:15Humorous, but erroneous, Price.
22:17If Doris goes, I'm a Dutchman.
22:21Headmaster, Mr. Regis has just taken me to your hotel and an airport.
22:24Doris!
22:24Yeah.
22:25Want to buy a pair of clogs, do you?
22:26I never understand why you didn't go, Doris.
22:39Oh, it was kind of you to see Maud and Fred off with me.
22:43Well, if I'd have had the fortnight you've just had, I'd have swum to Australia.
22:46Now, why didn't you go?
22:49Teaching, I suppose.
22:50Just as one's thinking it's all wasted labour, a child says something, or does something,
22:56or even becomes something, and suddenly it all seems worthwhile.
23:03Mr. Mayor, flowers.
23:05I want a big bunch of flowers.
23:08Yes.
23:09They'll do fine.
23:10Well, they say what I, well, what you were just saying about teaching children.
23:20Well, there we are.
23:21Sir?
23:22Sir?
23:23Yes?
23:23Five guineas, please.
23:24Five guineas.
23:26And worth every penny.
23:28Um, there's, there's ten, ten shillings.
23:37And, um...
23:39Um, keep the change, would you?
23:49No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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