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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one that's driving me berserk
00:00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:00:33La-la-la-la
00:00:35La-la-la-la-la
00:00:37La-la-la-la
00:00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:00:41La-la-la-la
00:00:42La-la-la-la-la
00:00:44La-la-la-la-la
00:00:46Dil?
00:00:51If you've got a minute, would you run a lever over my mini?
00:00:57Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner
00:00:59Merely agreed to do a bit of part-time driving for Boise
00:01:03That is all
00:01:04I'm sorry, darling
00:01:06I forgot
00:01:07You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
00:01:11No, no, no, no
00:01:12This is a hobby of mine
00:01:13You know, I love driving you and Boise to weddings and what have you
00:01:17Hanging around and picking you up at midnight
00:01:19Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid
00:01:23It's no secret that I've got a few problems on the old financial front
00:01:27Well, I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
00:01:33Do you know, I never thought of that
00:01:35Marlene, will you finish doing your make-up?
00:01:39Your face should be ready for the second coat now
00:01:42Will you keep your noise down, Boisey?
00:01:44Do you want the neighbours to think we're vulgar?
00:01:48Bell?
00:01:50Coffee?
00:01:50Oh, yeah, thanks very much
00:01:51Cheers, boys
00:01:52Uh, no
00:01:53I mean, go round to the kitchen and make me a cup
00:01:56Here, boys
00:01:58You know, this car's a GTI
00:02:00If you rearranged the letters, you got yourself a personalised number clue
00:02:05Two fingers in mine
00:02:09Good afternoon
00:02:19Oh, how afternoon
00:02:21Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved?
00:02:25Um, no
00:02:26No, they're in prison
00:02:28Yeah, I'm just, uh, searching the house, you know
00:02:32I'm from the drug squad
00:02:33They will be out on parole shortly, so, uh, watch your step
00:02:41Thank you, Officer
00:02:43Not at all, Mum
00:02:45Two sugars
00:02:50I mean, I shouldn't be going to this wedding in my condition
00:02:55I can't even smell my own aftershave
00:02:57Mind you, I can't smell Dells either, so that's a plus
00:03:01If you keep your big mouth shut at this wedding
00:03:03I don't want you being sarcastic to my family
00:03:06Well, that's going to limit the conversation, then, isn't it?
00:03:09I mean, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent
00:03:11I'm fed up with having to defend you
00:03:14The times I've said to them, yes, he's ugly, but he's successful
00:03:18And you be nice to my mum
00:03:22It's taken me five years to convince her you're not a vampire
00:03:25All right
00:03:28Looking forward to the wedding, then
00:03:31You look lovely, darling
00:03:34Whoa
00:03:35Did I, uh, tell you about my new business, Dale?
00:03:43Well, you did mention it
00:03:45Two or three dozen times
00:03:47Yeah, five or six weeks from now
00:03:49And Boyce will be flying off to Paris to sign the contract
00:03:53He's going to be a multi-millionaire
00:03:55Oh, please don't
00:03:57I'm going to wet myself in a minute
00:03:59Well, we don't know whether to buy a new house
00:04:01Or have this one renovated
00:04:03Marlene, have some sensitivity
00:04:06Don't talk about millions of pounds
00:04:09And big houses in front of Dale
00:04:11It'll make him feel nostalgic
00:04:13It must be horrible for you and Raquel
00:04:16Having all that money and then losing it
00:04:18Good always comes out of bad, Boycey
00:04:22As Raquel says
00:04:24It's made her appreciate the little things of life
00:04:27Marlene knows all about that
00:04:31She had no choice
00:04:32When the contract's signed, Dale
00:04:39I'd like us two to get together for a little chat
00:04:43I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire
00:04:46Make sure I don't make the same mistakes
00:04:49Marlene, where's my hair gel?
00:04:58Wherever you left it
00:05:00Oh, oh
00:05:01So
00:05:05All right
00:05:07All right
00:05:09fill
00:05:12All right
00:05:48Hey, Uncle Rodders?
00:05:58Hmm?
00:05:59What was my dad like as a teenager?
00:06:02Horrible.
00:06:05Paya Kasha!
00:06:11Uncle Rodders?
00:06:13Hmm?
00:06:14What sort of teenager think I'll be?
00:06:17Horrible.
00:06:18Yes!
00:06:21Oh, Mum, Uncle Rodders says I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
00:06:24Oh, did he?
00:06:25No, well, you know, what I meant was all teenagers are horrible, aren't they?
00:06:29They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
00:06:31Yeah, I suppose they are a bit annoying.
00:06:34But when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
00:06:37and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
00:06:39Yeah, anyway, so I squeeze this tube, I squeeze this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
00:06:45So, boy, she goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
00:06:54Well, that's the theory, anyway.
00:06:57So, what's happening?
00:06:58Anything on to go?
00:07:00What's that about?
00:07:01It's all right, just a bit of business.
00:07:02Nothing for you to worry about, right?
00:07:03Nothing for me to...
00:07:04Derek, may I remind you that I am the managing director of Trotter's Independent Traders now.
00:07:09Oh, he's better than the bean, Owen.
00:07:14Hang about, hang about, hang on, will you?
00:07:16What, look...
00:07:16You were declared bankrupt.
00:07:18You have been banned from running any company, from sitting on any board, or from dealing in any shares.
00:07:23They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange on a bike.
00:07:27And you owe the inland revenue over £50,000.
00:07:31Yeah, well, all right, who's the one that's out there earning money driving for Boise, eh?
00:07:35Well, you sit on your IQ, you know, all day...
00:07:37Excuse me!
00:07:37Hold on a minute.
00:07:38You too, I'm trying to eat.
00:07:40Yeah, all right, all right.
00:07:41I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
00:07:44Oh, all right.
00:07:46Yeah, sorry about that, pal, what'd you say?
00:07:48No, it was just Rodney, you know, he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
00:07:53What?
00:07:54Oh, yeah.
00:07:56What?
00:07:59Look, I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel, but we can't hide from this thing.
00:08:03If we don't come up with that money in a few months' time,
00:08:05then the inland revenue are going to sell this flat to the highest bidder, and we're all going to be up...
00:08:09I don't know where we're going to be, and I've got added responsibilities now.
00:08:14I know, but Del will think of something.
00:08:17Is that supposed to encourage me?
00:08:19It was Del thinking of something that got us in this mess.
00:08:22The judge blamed both of you.
00:08:24He said you were like two modern-day Neros playing at business while your empire burnt.
00:08:29We may have been two Neros, Raquel, but only one was fiddling.
00:08:35Yeah, yeah.
00:08:36Kushty.
00:08:37Kushty, monkey.
00:08:38Yeah, all right, monkey.
00:08:39All right, well, we'll see you, monkey.
00:08:41All right.
00:08:42Bonjour, monkey.
00:08:43That was monkey.
00:08:44Anyway, he's only had a consignment of log-effect gas fires coming from Slovakia.
00:08:52Derek, I am running the firm now, and I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect gas fires.
00:08:57Yeah, I know.
00:08:57That's what I told him.
00:08:59Oh.
00:09:00Good.
00:09:01How did you know I didn't want them?
00:09:03Well, because we know what each other's thinking, don't we?
00:09:06You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
00:09:08Anyway, these gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes.
00:09:13Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right, and sold them to that builder who's renovating the Bob Marley estate.
00:09:19Got 50 quid a pop for him.
00:09:2150 pounds apace?
00:09:22Yeah.
00:09:23And then there's that Lenny Corby, you know, the gas fitter?
00:09:25No.
00:09:25He's putting one in each room in this big house that he's doing up.
00:09:29I thought, well, easy money.
00:09:30Then I thought to myself, you know, there's business, right?
00:09:34And then there's what Rodney's doing.
00:09:36No, but what are we into now?
00:09:39We're into party planning.
00:09:41Yes.
00:09:42And that sort of thing is big.
00:09:44Yeah, that's right.
00:09:45Up in Sloan Square, where they like a roasted pepper and a bucket of couscous.
00:09:50But this is Peckham, where they like, you know, a kebab and a tattoo.
00:09:54It seems that they are very, very fond of log effect gas fires.
00:09:58Yeah, well, given it some consideration, and I am interested in them now.
00:10:03Oh, good, because I told him we'd have 20.
00:10:04Right.
00:10:06Oi!
00:10:09Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, will you stop that?
00:10:12Oh, look, that is your uncle's urn, that is.
00:10:18Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing up?
00:10:20It's daytime.
00:10:21I always get up.
00:10:21It's sort of a tradition.
00:10:22Yes, I know, but you're pregnant now and you're supposed to rest.
00:10:26Now, where were you going?
00:10:27To the kitchen, to get some juice.
00:10:29I'll get you the juice.
00:10:30Oh, I can get the juice myself.
00:10:31I'll get the juice.
00:10:32No, I'm good at getting the juice.
00:10:34Oh, for God's sake, I'll get the juice.
00:10:36Damien, Damien, go and get the juice.
00:10:38You've got to calm down, Rodney.
00:10:42There's a long way to go, and at this rate, you'll be a nervous wreck by the time the baby's born.
00:10:46You've got to be very strong, both physically and mentally, before the baby arrives.
00:10:50But I remember the night that Damien was born.
00:10:55I admit it was a wonderful, wonderful moment.
00:10:59But it was very, very traumatic and very, very stressful.
00:11:04And it wasn't a walk in the park for you, Raquel, was it, either?
00:11:09No, it wasn't.
00:11:11I'll go and get some more tea.
00:11:13And I'm going to get some cereal.
00:11:15Well, I can get...
00:11:15Me, not you, not anyone else, just me.
00:11:18All right, all right.
00:11:19Just be careful.
00:11:21Oh, my God.
00:11:24Boy, Woody, come on, sit down.
00:11:26Even like a Moby.
00:11:27I've been waiting a long time for this baby.
00:11:29I don't want anything to go wrong.
00:11:32No, no, it's fair enough, fair enough.
00:11:34Tell me something.
00:11:35There's one thing I still don't understand.
00:11:39A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for this baby, weren't you?
00:11:44I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
00:11:45I remember that you became so pale, you had to have your passport photo redone.
00:11:54Derek, will you stop discussing my private life in front of Damien?
00:11:57Yes, yes, yes, all right, all right, sorry.
00:11:59Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you up to Harley Street, eh?
00:12:04To have a little test on all your old, you know, on your...
00:12:06Yeah, I know.
00:12:07Because I remember going around to your flat, you know, I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge for specimens.
00:12:17And I remember what you said to me.
00:12:18You said if it hadn't been for the magazines, you would have packed it in.
00:12:25Look, we simply weren't very successful to begin with, and they thought that I might have a low count.
00:12:31Yes, I know, but you were back and forth there for ages.
00:12:33Shame they didn't give air miles.
00:12:36And a low count?
00:12:37Cor blimey, you was on the calculator.
00:12:39Trigger!
00:12:41I don't believe you.
00:12:42And then you announced that you've changed your mind about having a chavvy,
00:12:46and then you go late night shopping at Family Planning.
00:12:49Cassandra and I discussed it, and our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
00:12:53to hold back until the financial climate was more conducive to starting a family, right?
00:12:58Then, we had a change of heart.
00:13:02Yeah, well, I understand that.
00:13:03But in a minute, you're going to have the bailiffs, aren't you, as godparents?
00:13:08We decided to try for this baby as a token, Del.
00:13:11As a token of our belief in our marriage.
00:13:14Of Trotter's independent traders.
00:13:16Of the future of Britain.
00:13:17But most importantly of all,
00:13:19as a token of our belief in this family.
00:13:23Britain.
00:13:27If your dear mother could hear you now, she'd be so proud of you.
00:13:31It's just how we feel.
00:13:33Good boy.
00:13:34Good boy.
00:13:36Here, I know how you get babies.
00:13:38I bet you do.
00:13:40It must have been horrible.
00:13:43Good.
00:13:44He's a lad, isn't he?
00:13:46I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
00:13:53You know how that kid does my head in.
00:13:56And I bet it was him who nicked your contraceptive pills.
00:14:00He's so silly.
00:14:01No, I searched all over this flat.
00:14:04There was nowhere to be found.
00:14:05No, it was him.
00:14:06Rat boy.
00:14:07Leave him alone.
00:14:09He's only young.
00:14:10Yeah, but he seems to know everything.
00:14:12It's like a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy.
00:14:16Hey, Rodgers, come on.
00:14:17Get your arse in gear.
00:14:18We've got some business to sort out.
00:14:20Hey, go and start the van, will you?
00:14:21He, uh, hasn't got used to me being in Charles yet, has he?
00:14:26See you, Rachel.
00:14:27Oh, bye.
00:14:30Final reminder.
00:14:32Final reminder.
00:14:34Final reminder.
00:14:36This is not a circular.
00:14:38No, it's a final reminder.
00:14:41Oh, here's a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
00:14:43It's from the Royal Naval Association.
00:14:46They obviously haven't heard.
00:14:47Should we open it?
00:14:48No, best leave it to Dale.
00:14:50All right.
00:14:52I'm off, sweetheart.
00:14:54See you later, Cassandra.
00:14:55Dale?
00:14:56Yeah?
00:14:57A letter's arrived from the Seamans Association.
00:14:59Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
00:15:16Good tea, please, Carol.
00:15:17All right, bossy.
00:15:21Don't know.
00:15:24You are witnessing one of nature's great phenomena.
00:15:29One that, sadly, over the years, David Attenborough has ignored.
00:15:34It's called the Trotter Brothers trying to park a three-wheel van.
00:15:37Hard on your left.
00:15:38Hard on your left.
00:15:38Hard on your left.
00:15:41All right, now.
00:15:42That's it.
00:15:42Hard on your left.
00:15:44Hard on your left.
00:15:44On your left.
00:15:45Left.
00:15:45Right hand down.
00:15:46Right hand down.
00:15:47Hard on your left, Dave.
00:15:49Hard.
00:15:49Right on your left.
00:15:50Will you shut up?
00:15:51No.
00:15:52What?
00:15:53Look.
00:15:53So, look, you're going wrong angle, aren't you?
00:15:57So, how's business?
00:15:58Business?
00:15:59What business?
00:16:01I've just got myself a new truck, and I haven't had any bloody work since.
00:16:06I mean, everything's just bad news these days.
00:16:08Ah, well, that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
00:16:13I'm in the motor trade, right?
00:16:15And recently, a fellow mason from my lodge mentioned my firm to a certain big-time player
00:16:21whose name I cannot possibly divulge.
00:16:24Suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentleman who has made his mark in Europe.
00:16:32Now, pull down and straighten it up.
00:16:38Hard to yell, Rodney.
00:16:41They reversed vasectomies quicker than this.
00:16:44Shut up, do we not?
00:16:46Hard on your left, Dave.
00:16:50So, er, so what's his business?
00:16:53Let's just say he's in the commercial sector.
00:16:57Negotiations are at an extremely sensitive stage, but in a few weeks' time, Boyce Autos
00:17:03could hold the UK franchise for most of them cheap low-tax cars in Europe.
00:17:07Great.
00:17:07So, er, where do I fit in?
00:17:11You?
00:17:12You don't.
00:17:16So why are you telling me this, then?
00:17:18Well, you said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
00:17:22Next month, I could be a millionaire.
00:17:27I don't sudden believe you, Boyce.
00:17:29What are you trying to cheer you up, Denzel?
00:17:33Can you smell onions?
00:17:37If you don't get it in this time, I'm going to back it in myself.
00:17:44Oi, who's running this firm now?
00:17:46Oh, it's got you puzzled as well, has it?
00:17:49At last.
00:18:02At last.
00:18:06You can't park there, Dave.
00:18:09You park too close to a council-owned installation.
00:18:12It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist to advise you of the law.
00:18:19What's in that thing?
00:18:20Freezing salt.
00:18:22It's people like me at the sharp end who have to spread that salt on the roads in icy conditions.
00:18:28What icy conditions?
00:18:30I have to attend lectures on modern climactic change.
00:18:34What with global warming and Al Pacino.
00:18:39El Nino, Trigger.
00:18:42You just don't know what's going to happen next.
00:18:46Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
00:18:49If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll, will you turn a blind eye on it?
00:18:54Are you trying to bribe me?
00:18:58Yes.
00:19:00All right, then.
00:19:01Come on, let's go.
00:19:04If I keep on, I'm going to tell them what I think of them.
00:19:07What's up?
00:19:08The neighbours, they've stopped talking to us.
00:19:11They're looking down their noses like they think we're criminals.
00:19:16Oh, I've heard about my European deal.
00:19:18They're just jealous.
00:19:19Ignore them.
00:19:22All right, what's so funny?
00:19:23It's your advert, isn't it?
00:19:25I mean, it's just stupid.
00:19:27Look, Rodney, I used to run my own firm.
00:19:29Yeah, I know you got probation for that, didn't you?
00:19:33Yeah, well, it didn't go as well as I'd planned, too.
00:19:35But the point I'm trying to make is nobody reads the small ads.
00:19:39Now, well, that is where you're wrong, Mickey, you see.
00:19:41Because a couple of months ago, Boise there put an ad in the paper for his car firm, right?
00:19:47It read, urgently required security goal.
00:19:51Well, that night, his showroom was burgled.
00:19:58Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
00:20:02Well, on the way, I've got business to attend, see?
00:20:06Yeah, you've got to go and cash that gyro check, haven't you?
00:20:08Hello, Cassandra.
00:20:14How's my little good child, then?
00:20:15I don't know, Mickey, but my baby's doing all right.
00:20:18See ya!
00:20:20Oh, look!
00:20:21Here's the mum-to-be.
00:20:22Huh?
00:20:23Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing walking about like this?
00:20:27Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat,
00:20:29so I decided to get some exercise,
00:20:30like the doctor ordered me to.
00:20:33She's right, Rodney.
00:20:33Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women to carry on as normal.
00:20:36Now, you're not thinking of having one of them natural births, are you?
00:20:40Oh, we have discussed using a birthing pool.
00:20:42With the dampness in your flat, I don't know why you're bothering.
00:20:44You know, it's such a shame you haven't got any fire grates in your place.
00:20:54We've got young Lenny Corby fitting eight log effect gas fires in our house.
00:21:00I must invite you and the family round for the big switching on ceremony.
00:21:04Give you something to look forward to.
00:21:06Please, boys, see I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
00:21:10Oh, I'll tell you another thing.
00:21:12When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
00:21:15They're all ugly at birth.
00:21:16Well, that's true.
00:21:17Some are more ugly than others.
00:21:19Cos when Boycey was born, the midwife held him up and slapped his mother.
00:21:27All right.
00:21:28On that note, I shall bid you all goodbye.
00:21:32Come along, Marlene.
00:21:34You can drive me to the showroom.
00:21:36See you later, Cassandra.
00:21:37Bye, Kyle.
00:21:39Oh, tell her, I brought that letter down.
00:21:40It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
00:21:43To Albert?
00:21:45I hope you're not going to have my experience, Rodney.
00:21:48From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me nothing but hell.
00:21:52Well, lots of women suffer from postnatal depression, don't they?
00:21:55The weed adopted.
00:21:59I'll tell you no notice as Sid.
00:22:01He's always been a cantankerous, miserable old sod.
00:22:04Yeah, and his wife was hot-blooded.
00:22:06She was Spanish.
00:22:07He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her.
00:22:11Hey, brothers, what's it this?
00:22:14There's an old naval friend of Albert's trying to organise a reunion for some of the crew
00:22:20that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
00:22:24Didn't know Albert went to Denmark?
00:22:25Well, well, he didn't.
00:22:26The fleet never made it.
00:22:27I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
00:22:29All the ships was named after sea creatures, weren't they?
00:22:31You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
00:22:35What was Albert's ship called?
00:22:36HMS Cod.
00:22:39Yeah, yeah, that was it.
00:22:42Yeah, he said they got into some sort of trouble, but none of it was his fault.
00:22:46Well, that would have been a first name, wouldn't it, eh?
00:22:48Well, it's taking place in a village in Normandy.
00:22:51You'll have to write to the association, tell them that Albert isn't with us anymore.
00:22:55Yes, yes, you're right, I suppose.
00:22:56Yeah, I suppose so.
00:22:57Isn't it a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
00:23:01Bet she'd have loved to have been Albert's representative.
00:23:04Do you remember the night he told us their story?
00:23:06How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
00:23:09Well, then he had to go off and fight for his country,
00:23:11and they both met and married other people.
00:23:13And then, years later, they met again and spent their last years together.
00:23:18What's wrong with that scatty cow?
00:23:26It's her hormones.
00:23:28We're doing somersaults, you know.
00:23:29Happens when they're pregnant.
00:23:31Oh, right.
00:23:32You're all right, ain't you?
00:23:35It's like Captain Corelli's mandolin, isn't it?
00:23:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:43What's Captain Corelli's mandolin?
00:23:46It's a romantic film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
00:23:53Oh, that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
00:23:57Anyway, listen, I've had a thought.
00:23:59If Elsie can't go and represent Albert at this reunion,
00:24:03I think Rodney and I ought to go.
00:24:05Now, that is a brilliant suggestion.
00:24:07No, I think Albert would have loved that idea.
00:24:10I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
00:24:12You two are just going to go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
00:24:14That hurts, Raquel.
00:24:18That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
00:24:21This is a family thing.
00:24:24We just want Albert to be remembered.
00:24:27It's like...
00:24:29Well, it is.
00:24:29It's our tutor.
00:24:30All right, I'm sorry.
00:24:31I was only joking.
00:24:33It's all right, sweetheart.
00:24:34No, you didn't mean nothing.
00:24:36Raquel, Cassandra, look.
00:24:38It's a picture of my wife.
00:24:40Come and have a look.
00:24:41Look, I don't know how you feel about this,
00:24:44but we could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
00:24:48That's a very good idea, Rodney.
00:24:51No, he would really like that, wouldn't he?
00:24:53Yeah.
00:24:54We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbour,
00:24:57because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
00:24:59By the way, tell you what,
00:25:06why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home.
00:25:09I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
00:25:10Sure.
00:25:11Yeah, of course.
00:25:12Sid, what are all these little holes?
00:25:15Darts.
00:25:18It's a long story.
00:25:19See, I met her in 1950.
00:25:22You two want to lift home?
00:25:23Yes, please.
00:25:23I said take it out of that, will you?
00:25:31Hey, Denzel, you still got that lorry of yours?
00:25:33Yeah, why?
00:25:34It's just that me and Rodney are thinking of going to France.
00:25:37Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
00:25:39Yeah, OK, thanks.
00:25:40No, not now.
00:25:41No, I mean, like, next month.
00:25:44I've got a little idea, like, you know,
00:25:45running around the side of my head.
00:25:46No.
00:25:47What do you mean, no?
00:25:48You haven't heard it yet.
00:25:50Well, that's good.
00:25:51Because this way, the police can't drag it out of me under interrogation.
00:25:55What is interrogation?
00:25:56What are you going on about, Denzel?
00:25:57Every time you have a little idea,
00:25:59someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
00:26:01Can I help you if I am misunderstood?
00:26:05I'm not misunderstanding you.
00:26:07You can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France.
00:26:11And here's me with a lorry and Sid with a pup.
00:26:14So what are you saying?
00:26:15What I'm saying, Trigg,
00:26:20is that Del buys £1,000 worth of half-price alcohol.
00:26:23We drive it back in the truck,
00:26:25Sid gets a seller full of cheap booze,
00:26:27and we share the profits.
00:26:29No.
00:26:30I was thinking of bringing you all back
00:26:32some nice French cheese.
00:26:34Hmm.
00:26:34But now you've suggested that,
00:26:37that is a brilliant idea, Denzel.
00:26:40First class.
00:26:41Yeah.
00:26:41A few trips like this,
00:26:43we could earn ourselves some decent money.
00:26:46I'm not doing it.
00:26:47But it was your idea.
00:26:50No, it wasn't.
00:26:52Well, it was in a way.
00:26:55I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
00:26:57I mean, I was trying to sort of...
00:26:59I didn't mean...
00:27:01The thing is, I was just trying to...
00:27:03Is this thing anywhere near legal?
00:27:07Of course it is.
00:27:08Just don't tell Rugby.
00:27:09Neil, Rodney.
00:27:39You do the honours.
00:27:42No, you would have liked it.
00:27:45But do it ceremoniously.
00:27:48Right?
00:27:49Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
00:27:51See you again sometime, honk.
00:28:14Good luck, Holden.
00:28:15I hope it's not his dentures.
00:28:24I can't believe it.
00:28:29What?
00:28:34Cassandra's birth control pills.
00:28:36Did you want to book?
00:28:39Who put them in there?
00:28:40Bloody, who do you think put them in there?
00:28:42Damien.
00:28:43He's a boy, isn't he?
00:28:49Anyway, you don't need her no more, do you?
00:28:51Because she's at the duck.
00:28:53No, but it quite is.
00:28:54If you hadn't put...
00:28:55You know...
00:28:56He's a little sore, isn't he?
00:29:02I don't know where he gets it from.
00:29:08Must take off the rack there, won't you?
00:29:10Yeah.
00:29:11Yeah, more than likely.
00:29:13Right, go on.
00:29:14Well, I've got to travel up this road about another three miles, Rudders.
00:29:32And then look for a sign saying St. Clair La Chapel.
00:29:38Right.
00:29:38Where'd you get that from?
00:29:49Hmm?
00:29:49Well, this.
00:29:51Oh, well.
00:29:52It's going to blend in with the locals, Rudney.
00:29:56I've always been a bit of a Francophile, you know?
00:29:58Yeah.
00:30:00More like a Franco-spenser.
00:30:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:30:03Try a bit where we are.
00:30:05Anyway, where is my book?
00:30:08Ah!
00:30:10Burn up on the old French.
00:30:13It's amazing, you know.
00:30:14How quick you forget it.
00:30:15Yeah, I know.
00:30:16Yeah?
00:30:18No, I mean, you know, I've forgotten a lot of the French I learned at school as well.
00:30:21Oh, well, don't you worry.
00:30:23I'll be with you.
00:30:32Because it is a difficult language, you know.
00:30:34Because one of my most favouritest meals is duck a la ranch, but I don't know how to say that in French.
00:30:43It's canald.
00:30:44Well, you can say that again, bruv.
00:30:51Now, the French word for duck is canald.
00:30:54Is it?
00:30:55I thought that was something to do with the QE2.
00:30:57Oh, that's Q-nald.
00:31:00They're the ones that make the boats and what have you.
00:31:03The French for duck is canald.
00:31:05Right.
00:31:06Lovely jubbly.
00:31:08Right, so how do the French say a la range, then?
00:31:11A la range.
00:31:16The same as we do.
00:31:18Yes.
00:31:20Sir.
00:31:20There you are.
00:31:22It's a pity they don't use more of our words, any.
00:31:28Stupid, isn't they?
00:31:29Yeah.
00:31:31I can't wait to get there, rudders.
00:31:34I bet they're going to throw a Mardi Gras.
00:31:37Because the old French, they don't scrimp when it comes to a celebration.
00:31:40Yeah, that's right.
00:31:42I imagine it'll be some quiet little backwater somewhere.
00:31:45Yeah.
00:31:47I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:31:49Yeah.
00:32:10Ah, ah, ah, ah, au revoir.
00:32:16Au revoir, au revoir.
00:32:19Derrick and, er, Rodney Trotter.
00:32:23Bonjour, monsieur.
00:32:24Ah, huh, mm-hmm.
00:32:25Bonjour.
00:32:26Excuse me, er, did you say Trotter?
00:32:31Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
00:32:34Very pleased to meet you.
00:32:36George Parker.
00:32:37I sailed with your uncle during the war.
00:32:39Is Albert not coming?
00:32:42Um, no, I'm afraid not.
00:32:45Unfortunately, he'd passed away a few months ago.
00:32:49Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
00:32:52Yeah, well, shall we.
00:32:54Well, er, where's the crew?
00:33:00The crew?
00:33:01Oh, here.
00:33:03I'm the only one that's turned up.
00:33:05All the others are either dead in old people's homes or just couldn't be bothered.
00:33:11See, well, we're here to represent Albert, so, you know, let's get started.
00:33:17Oh, nice.
00:33:18Mr. Mayor, shall we play?
00:33:37Are you in Albert's medals?
00:33:40Yes, with pride.
00:33:44Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
00:33:46They're playing the American anthem.
00:33:48I knew we should have got a later, Teddy.
00:34:03Did I assert my opinion?
00:34:05No.
00:34:06I listen to Bloody Del like I've listened to him all my life.
00:34:09Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
00:34:12We've got sudden hours to kill.
00:34:22Relax, Denzel, relax.
00:34:25When I was married to Corrine, she was always saying that to me.
00:34:29Relax, Denzel.
00:34:32And I would.
00:34:34Then Del had phone and...
00:34:36I like Corrine.
00:34:39I used to think that if ever I got married, I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
00:34:45Yeah, she was okay.
00:34:47You ever thought of getting married a trick?
00:34:49No.
00:34:50I haven't met the right person yet.
00:34:53But I've always had this sort of image of my perfect woman.
00:34:58Sort of my dream girl.
00:35:01What's she like?
00:35:03Oh, she's nothing to look at.
00:35:04Very plain.
00:35:06Little scar on her chin where she had her walk removed.
00:35:14Want a jelly, baby?
00:35:15Oh, that's Albert, all right.
00:35:33You two haven't a clue, have you?
00:35:35You've led lives of luxury.
00:35:38You don't know what it's like to suffer on the high seas.
00:35:41As it happens, we do.
00:35:43We've served our time at sea.
00:35:46Where were you?
00:35:47The Falklands?
00:35:48No, I cruised round the Hawaiian Islands.
00:35:51A cruise later?
00:35:52That's not a ship.
00:35:53Kept the water off our feet.
00:35:56You should have been on the Russian convoys with your uncle and me.
00:35:59We had hundred-foot waves.
00:36:02Oh, I don't know.
00:36:02Got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't it?
00:36:05We had storm and tempest.
00:36:08Well, you should have seen our cab ride.
00:36:10We had hail and sleet.
00:36:11We had hail and pace.
00:36:18Sometimes I think about the future.
00:36:21I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor, like my cousin Ronnie.
00:36:26Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
00:36:30In what way?
00:36:32Well, there were men.
00:36:35I remember Ronnie.
00:36:36Do you ever miss being married, Denzel?
00:36:41Well, there's some things I miss.
00:36:44Like to meet a nice woman, though.
00:36:46Yeah, me too.
00:36:47Take her out, give her something to eat.
00:36:49Yeah.
00:36:50Get to know each other a bit, you know?
00:36:52Might like each other.
00:36:55Then who knows?
00:36:56In time.
00:36:56Maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me.
00:37:05Wait.
00:37:07Yeah, hang on a minute.
00:37:08Just something I want to know.
00:37:10How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right, managed to end up 30 miles inland?
00:37:15All right, come on, we've got to go.
00:37:19We were sailing in this fortilla.
00:37:22Oh, God.
00:37:24On our way up to Denmark we were, to drop off military supplies to the Royal Marines.
00:37:31Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet, and Albert was at the wheel.
00:37:37Well, we got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching us from the opposite direction.
00:37:44Pretty soon, Gerry spotted us, and Albert, without waiting for orders, threw the ship to port.
00:37:52And five minutes later, we crashed.
00:37:54In what?
00:37:56France.
00:37:59We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast and ran aground.
00:38:03Well, we were sipping ducks, weren't we?
00:38:05We knew Gerry was on our tail, so we legged it over land.
00:38:10We must have been going for two days and nights.
00:38:14And finally, we ended up here, in this little village, where the people, God bless them, took us in and hid us.
00:38:22Oh, the Gestapo came looking for us, but they never found us until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
00:38:29No kidding.
00:38:30No.
00:38:31No.
00:38:31Now, I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you know.
00:38:39He could sing, he could dance, he could play the piano, and the women liked him.
00:38:44And he liked the women.
00:38:47And during our stay here, how shall I put it, he kept himself busy.
00:38:53I don't believe him.
00:38:57The guarantee old git.
00:39:01Oh, too sweet.
00:39:03Well, it was every man for himself in those days.
00:39:07I mean, there was a war on.
00:39:09There were hard times, and everybody just grabbed whatever bit of pleasure they could.
00:39:12There was a war that took me through to the side of the side of the side of the side of the side.
00:39:42most of the men were either away fighting or locked up and when they got to hear about
00:39:59albert's shenanigans they weren't best pleased which was understandable under the circumstances
00:40:05so who grasped you up the french resistance one day the ss just turned up and rounded us all up
00:40:14and would you believe it albert with one or two others escaped and made it back to blady
00:40:20excuse me just go to the chance
00:40:26are you thinking what i'm thinking
00:40:33i think i am
00:40:36it's another one look
00:40:43oh god it's like a geriatric village of the damned
00:40:50i don't know about sinclair la chapelle they should have renamed this place trottersville
00:41:03what do you think of all the other countries he's visited what he must have got up to
00:41:07america india i bet he he didn't even leave australia alone did he africa middle east do you remember that woman he mentioned he's been putting it about all over the place
00:41:18raquel was wrong it wasn't like captain corelli's mandolin it was more like captain bird's eyes banjo
00:41:25raquel
00:41:32raquel
00:41:34raquel
00:41:36raquel
00:41:37raquel
00:41:38raquel
00:41:39raquel
00:41:40raquel
00:41:41raquel
00:41:42raquel
00:41:43raquel
00:41:44raquel
00:41:45raquel
00:41:46raquel
00:41:47raquel
00:41:48raquel
00:41:49raquel
00:41:50raquel
00:41:51raquel
00:41:52raquel
00:41:53raquel
00:41:54raquel
00:41:55Yeah, spicy.
00:42:00I don't believe it.
00:42:03What's that? What's that, Rodney?
00:42:05Look over there.
00:42:06It's only Denzel.
00:42:08You're having me on, aren't you?
00:42:10You're right.
00:42:11Hey, hello, Denzel.
00:42:14Hey, Del, Rob, hi.
00:42:18Fancy meeting you here.
00:42:20You were just what I was going to say.
00:42:21What are you doing here?
00:42:23Well, I had a free day and Christmas is coming.
00:42:26So I thought I'd pop over and get a couple of packs of cheap beer.
00:42:29What brings you here?
00:42:31Oh, well, we were just coming back from Uncle Albert's reunion
00:42:34and Rodney said, as we're passing the warehouse,
00:42:37why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of wine?
00:42:40Didn't you, Rodney?
00:42:42Yeah.
00:42:44I'll tell you, how have you got your truck with you?
00:42:46Well, yeah, it's out the back, actually. Why do you ask?
00:42:49No, it's just that I was thinking that we haven't got much room in our little vein.
00:42:53And I thought, well, if Denzel's got some space in his track,
00:42:58we could take just, you know, a couple of extra cases, couldn't we, Rodney?
00:43:03Yeah, maybe.
00:43:05Oh, boy.
00:43:06Dave.
00:43:08Oh, look, it's Trigger.
00:43:09Did you believe it?
00:43:11Only if I'd been heavily sedated.
00:43:15Hello, Trig.
00:43:16What are you doing here?
00:43:18You said Mia's here at four o'clock.
00:43:20I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger.
00:43:30This is a set-up, isn't it?
00:43:31What?
00:43:32No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:43:35It was just a little surprise for you, Rodders.
00:43:38Oh, right.
00:43:39Here we are, surrounded by a million gallons of cheap booze,
00:43:42Denzel's got his truck outside,
00:43:43and the nags head's waiting for its cellar to be filled.
00:43:45Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
00:43:47Keep your noise down, will you?
00:43:48Oh, OK, I admit it.
00:43:53It was my fault.
00:43:54I agreed to it.
00:43:56Agree to it with who?
00:43:59Well, with me.
00:44:01Well, you shouldn't have.
00:44:02I'm running the firm now.
00:44:04Rodney, everyone's at it.
00:44:05It's just that we're a bit slow on the uptake.
00:44:08I don't believe this.
00:44:11And we need the money.
00:44:13Oh.
00:44:17OK, but I wasn't looking, all right.
00:44:18All right.
00:44:19Well, say that you was in the toilet.
00:44:21Good boy, Rodney.
00:44:22You know it makes sense.
00:44:24Paid for it, Del.
00:44:25For loading it out back.
00:44:26Hey, he's paid for it.
00:44:28Come on.
00:44:28Did you see it?
00:44:41And that.
00:44:45Oh, my God.
00:44:48Come on, Denzel.
00:44:49We'd better help out.
00:44:50We haven't got long.
00:44:51Eh?
00:44:51No, it's all right, Tree.
00:44:52Got plenty of time yet.
00:44:53Yeah, plenty of time.
00:44:54Now, wait a minute.
00:44:55Hmm?
00:44:55Did any of us move our watches forward one hour to French time?
00:44:59No.
00:45:00No.
00:45:01No.
00:45:02Oh, my God.
00:45:03We've only got half an hour before the ferry lit you.
00:45:06Jet stick, Rodney.
00:45:08All right.
00:45:19Oh, my God.
00:45:25Move.
00:45:26Oh, my God.
00:45:26So how was Albert's reunion?
00:45:44Oh, yeah, brilliant.
00:45:46Thousands of people were there, weren't they?
00:45:47Oh, yeah, there was thousands and thousands, you know,
00:45:49and there's a fly pass like that and everything, yeah.
00:45:52Yeah, I tried to phone you, but I couldn't get through.
00:45:54Oh, I meant to tell you we had a letter yesterday.
00:45:56They've cut the phone off.
00:45:57Something to do with an unpaid bill.
00:45:58Oh, all right, I'll sort it out tomorrow.
00:46:01I'll tell them I couldn't call them because they cut the phone off.
00:46:05Have you eaten?
00:46:06Yeah, on the ferry.
00:46:07Had a quick omelette salad.
00:46:09Dale had a mutton madras and four Irish coffees.
00:46:11Yeah, very nice of us too, thank you.
00:46:14It was brilliant over in France.
00:46:15You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to.
00:46:18I said to Denzel, we should have this sort of thing back in Britain.
00:46:21Denzel was with you.
00:46:23Eh?
00:46:26Yes, yes, yes, he was there.
00:46:28He was, well, we just bumped into him.
00:46:31Like, you know, it was a coincidence, wasn't it, eh?
00:46:33Yeah, amazing.
00:46:34Yeah, it was absolutely cool.
00:46:36Look, ah, look what I got here, look.
00:46:38There, a bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return, all right?
00:46:43I mean, all the arrangements we made with Sid.
00:46:48Denzel says to him, keep the pub salad clear, we'll be back at eight, and what does he do?
00:46:54What?
00:46:55What do you mean, what?
00:46:56You were there.
00:46:57He allowed the brewery to make a delivery.
00:47:00The way that brewery carries on, anyone would think they own the pub.
00:47:03Sugar!
00:47:20Bloody hell.
00:47:21so let me get this straight you just happened to meet denzel in a wine warehouse in france
00:47:29and did denzel have his lorry with him i don't know he didn't ask only i imagine you could get
00:47:35an awful lot of beer on the back of that lorry and did denzel follow you back no no he stayed
00:47:40over there yeah yeah that's right he's having a little holiday yes he's having oh look what i've
00:47:46got in here i just remembered look at that i got you a french football shirt son oh brilliant dac try
00:47:52of course you can go on here you go cas look got you some special french perfume yeah and look what
00:47:58i got you sweetheart there you are oh dal they're lovely yeah well they say that diamonds are a
00:48:07girl's best friend but zircon can be good company
00:48:10hello
00:48:17del it's denzel denzel what's he doing phoning me all the way from france
00:48:25no he's down at your garage i know what you've been up to why'd you lie to me
00:48:32because darling i didn't think the truth would do me any favors
00:48:35we need the money raquel and that is no lie let me speak to him bonjour denzel
00:48:42chance a laser
00:48:48is reckons a lingo spreconzy the old anglazy give it up there we don't speak of words so what are we
00:49:00going to do with them just have to let him go on me you can't just let him go a stranger on this
00:49:07estate can you imagine what a gangs will do to him yeah for all we know he could be part of al-qaeda
00:49:16yeah i mean does he look like he works in a furniture store
00:49:20we'll just have to drop him off somewhere and what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill
00:49:30i'll be all right they'll take him to that new immigration center down at croydon and look after
00:49:35him there won't i yeah but he was hiding in my truck and that's a two thousand pound fine for starters
00:49:40yeah and some of these illegals can't deal with the police by telling them who brought them in
00:49:45how do you think us two would fear under british justice eh well we can't leave him in here all
00:49:51night can we because he must probably suffocate or something we'll have to take him back to the flat
00:49:57oh yeah what are we going to say to raquel we say excuse me darling we've got a bloke here don't
00:50:01know who he is don't know where he comes from make him double egg and chips will you
00:50:04you are a blonker rodney have you got a better idea at least this way we can keep an eye on him
00:50:10and stop him going to the police oh i don't believe this all right look you carry on unloading and we'll
00:50:20take him somewhere
00:50:28so what are we going to say i don't know i do not know we're just going to have to play it by ear
00:50:33all i know is we've got to get him pugged away somewhere
00:50:38yank and i edge of the penalty here back towards uh was that closer
00:50:47look who we bumped into
00:50:51yeah he was just walking past
00:50:57aren't you going to introduce us
00:50:58yes yes yes sorry yes yes of course course um this this is raquel who is my significant other
00:51:09this is cassandra who is rodney's wife and this is damien who is my son and this and this this this
00:51:18is rodney's friend
00:51:24yes yes this is my friend does he have a name oh don't be silly of course he has a name of course
00:51:34of course he has a name
00:51:37well is that my name his his name his name is gary
00:51:44yes yes yes this this is gary
00:51:50good old gary
00:51:54nice to meet you gary hi gary
00:51:57hi he's
00:52:01he's a little you know he's a little bit shy this is what he probably wants to sit down rodney
00:52:05help him to sit down gary sit down sit down good boy there he is look he's sitting look like that
00:52:09where do you know him from who gary
00:52:15yeah um oh yeah uh it was uh from rodney's evening school uh yes yes from from my evening
00:52:22school but i was at your evening school that's where we met i don't remember gary no this is another
00:52:29evening school yeah when did you go there then one evening
00:52:34would you like something to drink gary
00:52:42gary
00:52:47gary
00:52:48he can't speak any english can he what in no
00:53:05cool speaking english well he's like the talking clock once he starts you can't stop him
00:53:10did you meet rodney at evening school gary
00:53:13gary
00:53:19oh my god he's an illegal immigrant
00:53:22shh michael don't say that you loudy around this estate he'll cause a panic oh yes you've got an
00:53:29illegal
00:53:30sweetheart i'm sorry i'm really am sorry this is nothing to do with us we found him in the back
00:53:36of denzil's lorry look we didn't have a clue he was there he must have snuck in while he was having
00:53:42a coffee well what are you planning to do with him i don't know well he can't stay here well where's
00:53:47he gonna go well what are you suggesting we do just sit him down to watch the football well we can't
00:53:51just chuck him out on this estate rachel he'll be a crack addict by the second half
00:53:55what i think we might have to do
00:54:00no no no no no no no no it's all right it's all right no no no look it's it's it's a look look a light
00:54:08See, lighter.
00:54:09Right?
00:54:10Mmm.
00:54:11Mmm.
00:54:12Mmm.
00:54:13Mmm.
00:54:14Mmm.
00:54:15Mmm.
00:54:16Mmm.
00:54:17Mmm.
00:54:18Mmm.
00:54:19Mmm.
00:54:20Mmm.
00:54:21Mmm.
00:54:22Mmm.
00:54:23Mmm.
00:54:24Mmm.
00:54:25Mmm.
00:54:26So, two teaspoonfuls of curry paste.
00:54:29Mmm.
00:54:30That's one.
00:54:31Two.
00:54:32One-four the pot.
00:54:33Yes.
00:54:34I thought I could smell something.
00:54:35Yeah, I know.
00:54:36You can't wait for this, can you, sweetheart?
00:54:37I can.
00:54:38Oh, no, no.
00:54:39You've got to take your time.
00:54:40Take your time with this.
00:54:41Yeah.
00:54:42The longer, the better.
00:54:43I've just got to find out what nationality Gary is, and then hand him over to the organisation
00:54:46that represents his people.
00:54:47But he doesn't speak any English.
00:54:48So, how do you intend to speak to Gary?
00:54:50Yes.
00:54:51I've just got to find out what nationality Gary is, and then hand him over to the organisation
00:54:59that represents his people.
00:55:00But he doesn't speak any English.
00:55:02So, how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
00:55:04Well, we...
00:55:06Yeah, good point.
00:55:09Well, where's Gary?
00:55:10Eh?
00:55:11He's having a shower.
00:55:12Yeah, I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
00:55:14I hope you don't mind.
00:55:15Well, you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too, if you like.
00:55:18Ah, things are bad enough for him as it is.
00:55:22Well, Rodney's only gone and...
00:55:25Look at that.
00:55:26Do you know what I'm gonna call this?
00:55:27I'm calling this...
00:55:29Chicken Trotter.
00:55:31That could be a very apt name for it.
00:55:42Ah!
00:55:43All right, Gary?
00:55:44Well, got him.
00:55:45Yeah?
00:55:46Well, you, uh, come and sit down some.
00:55:48All right?
00:55:49Hang on.
00:55:50Hang on.
00:55:53Oh, my God.
00:55:54He looks like a set of traffic lights.
00:55:57What about you, Daniel?
00:55:59Oh, he probably comes from some war-torn country somewhere.
00:56:03Might've probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
00:56:06Oh, yeah.
00:56:07Maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
00:56:11No, I mean, he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
00:56:16Dressed in Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
00:56:20Oh, my God.
00:56:21You could've colour-coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
00:56:24Yeah, well, fashion design never was my strong point, Raquel.
00:56:27All right.
00:56:28Ah, here we go.
00:56:29Right.
00:56:30Ah.
00:56:31Very nice.
00:56:32Very, very tasteful, Gary.
00:56:34Yeah.
00:56:35Got him.
00:56:36That's a good boy.
00:56:37Get your laughing gear around that, will ya?
00:56:39Why'd you make him a curry?
00:56:41Well, just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
00:56:44Del, I don't think he's Asian.
00:56:46He's more Arabic.
00:56:48All right, let's pop down to the perfect pizza
00:56:50and pick up a deep-pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
00:56:55It's only a ruby.
00:56:57It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab, or an Eskimo.
00:57:00Everyone loves a ruby.
00:57:02Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:57:03There you are.
00:57:06Oh, Gary!
00:57:07A glass.
00:57:08A glass of water.
00:57:09Gary!
00:57:10Gary!
00:57:11Yeah, good boy, good boy.
00:57:12Gary!
00:57:13Oh, Ronnie, here, I'll take that.
00:57:14He can finish that out there.
00:57:15Gary!
00:57:16Gary!
00:57:17Gary!
00:57:18Gary!
00:57:19I think maybe the vindaloo might have been a bit hot for the boy.
00:57:24It's the police.
00:57:25I know, it's the police!
00:57:26Oh, this is just great.
00:57:27I'm gonna give birth in Holloway.
00:57:29Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:57:32I don't know, just shh, shh.
00:57:35Hello, who is it?
00:57:37Del boy, it's Boise.
00:57:39It's all right, honey, Boise.
00:57:45Well, this is an unpleasant surprise.
00:57:50Rodney.
00:57:51Boise.
00:57:53Good evening, Raquel.
00:57:54May I say you're looking particularly lovely tonight.
00:57:57And you too, Cassandra, you have that maternal glow that only comes from being in the family
00:58:04way.
00:58:05Hello, little man.
00:58:07Do not touch me, buddy boy.
00:58:08He's a character, isn't he?
00:58:09What do you want, Boise?
00:58:10Oh, a large cognac can be lovely, thank you, Raquel.
00:58:11You'll be lucky, Boise.
00:58:12Here you are, Rodney.
00:58:13Cheers.
00:58:15Now, Boise, if you think I'm driving for you tonight, you've got another thing coming, pal.
00:58:20Oh, no.
00:58:21It's not that, Del.
00:58:22I've got a bit of a problem.
00:58:23I've been chucked out of my house.
00:58:24Good for Marlene.
00:58:25Good for Marlene.
00:58:26She's finally thrown you out.
00:58:27No, Marlene didn't.
00:58:28The police did.
00:58:29The house is full of gas.
00:58:30Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking all over the place.
00:58:34Well, on top of all that, the gas board can't turn it off at the mains, because
00:58:39the gas board can't turn it off at the mains, because the gas board can't turn it off
00:58:41at the mains.
00:58:42Well, if you think I'm driving for you tonight, you've got another thing coming, pal.
00:58:43Oh, no.
00:58:44It's not that, Del.
00:58:45I've got a bit of a problem.
00:58:46I've got a bit of a problem.
00:58:47I've been chucked out of my house.
00:58:48Good for Marlene.
00:58:49She's finally thrown you out.
00:58:50No, Marlene didn't.
00:58:51The police did.
00:58:52With all that, the gas board can't turn it off at the mains, because Lenny snapped
00:58:56the handle off.
00:58:57They've evacuated the entire road.
00:59:00Well, Marlene's gone off to her mum's with Tyler, and I was going to check into a hotel,
00:59:06but I left everything in the house.
00:59:09Wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
00:59:11Fire Brigade won't let me back in, because it's too dangerous.
00:59:15So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
00:59:18Well, that is bad news, isn't it, boys?
00:59:21So what are you doing here?
00:59:22Well, I was in trouble, Del, so I thought I'd go and seek the help of my best friend.
00:59:27Bet you decided to call in here first.
00:59:30Derek is my best friend.
00:59:32He always has been.
00:59:33Yeah, well, on your bike, boysie.
00:59:36I'll just leave your bed for the night, Del.
00:59:38I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
00:59:41Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's with your wife and child?
00:59:44Because the Batty Old Mayor won't let me in her house.
00:59:46We had a row at that wedding.
00:59:49She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
00:59:53Apparently there was this horrible smell of onion and she blamed me.
00:59:57Can't you stay with Trigger?
01:00:02Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
01:00:04It's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
01:00:08Well, Dantel's got room at his place.
01:00:10Yeah, but he's not there.
01:00:11Nobody knows when he's going to be back.
01:00:14Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
01:00:16No, it's not that, boysie.
01:00:18It is.
01:00:19No, look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
01:00:22Raquel and I got our bedroom.
01:00:24Cassandra and Rodney got their bedroom.
01:00:26Damien's got his bedroom.
01:00:27Yeah, well, the sofa will do.
01:00:29Oh, well, Gary's sleeping on that.
01:00:31Gary?
01:00:33Gary?
01:00:35Good God!
01:00:36This is Gary, it's Rodney's friend.
01:00:38What happened here?
01:00:39Did he get ready for bed in a power cut?
01:00:41They're your pyjamas and dressing gown, aren't they?
01:00:50You got it in one.
01:00:51Yeah, I should have realised it.
01:00:52Who else could combine lime green and fire engine red and make it work?
01:00:58Well, I've always had an eye for colour, you know me.
01:01:01Derek?
01:01:02Hmm?
01:01:03Could I have a word, please?
01:01:04Of course you can, sweetheart.
01:01:05Of course.
01:01:06Hi.
01:01:20Before you say anything, Boise is not staying here.
01:01:23We've already got Gary, or whatever his name is, but at least he doesn't speak.
01:01:27Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham, it's up to you.
01:01:30But Boise is not staying here.
01:01:32Look, darling sweetheart, I feel...
01:01:35Well, I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
01:01:38I was the one that made Boise's head smell like a shepherd's pie.
01:01:42Good.
01:01:43Hmm?
01:01:44No, it's not good, because he wouldn't have had a row with his in-laws then, would he?
01:01:47And then he would have been staying there.
01:01:49Not only that, there's these log effect gas fires.
01:01:53Oh, no.
01:01:54You sold them?
01:01:55No.
01:01:56No, it wasn't me.
01:01:57It was Rod...
01:01:58It was Rodney.
01:01:59Rodney, I told you.
01:02:00I said to him, don't sell these gas fires because they're dangerous.
01:02:03But he wouldn't listen to me because you know what he's like, don't you?
01:02:06So, you know, I feel just a little bit guilty.
01:02:09It's only for one night, sweetheart.
01:02:12All right, one night.
01:02:13But if they're not gone by tomorrow evening, then I will be.
01:02:16No, they will be history, sweet.
01:02:18Oh, thank you very much, darling.
01:02:19You are a diamond.
01:02:20Mmm.
01:02:21Mmm.
01:02:22No, it's just a little blister.
01:02:25All right, Boisey, we've decided you can stay on the camp bed.
01:02:30We've got one in the cupboard.
01:02:31Oh, that's perfect, Derek.
01:02:33That's exciting for you, Damien.
01:02:34You're going to be spending the night in the camp bed.
01:02:36No, he is not.
01:02:38Well, he's only a little boy.
01:02:39You always get rid of the kids to make room for the adults.
01:02:42Yes, but in your case, we're making an exception.
01:02:45It's either the camp bed or nothing.
01:02:47All right, the camp bed, it will have to be, anyway.
01:02:50Now, then, here we are.
01:02:53Now, I promise you that you will hardly know that I'm here.
01:03:02Did you make that drink for me, Raquel?
01:03:04I'll tell you what, I am starving.
01:03:12Here's your plate of curry.
01:03:14Lovely.
01:03:15Lovely.
01:03:30Used to the white, Gary.
01:03:33Gay.
01:03:37That curry's doing a conga in my colon.
01:03:42I've only had one mouthful.
01:03:48You still hungry, Gary?
01:03:50Gary.
01:03:52I'll make us a sandwich.
01:03:54Do sell-by dates mean nothing to the trotters?
01:04:04I've seen younger items on the antique roadshow.
01:04:07Oh, it'll have to be cheese, Gary.
01:04:08Got it!
01:04:09Got it!
01:04:15Oh, do you want piccalilli?
01:04:19Oh, it'll have to be cheese, Gary.
01:04:23Got it.
01:04:34Oh, do you want pick-a-lily?
01:04:38What's the matter, are you cold, son?
01:04:39Well, get back in the bed, warm yourself up.
01:04:41Go on, go on.
01:04:42That's right, get in the soap of there.
01:04:43That's right, don't get back in there.
01:04:44You know you're nice and warm, that's right.
01:04:46Blimey, you are cold, ain't you?
01:04:54Right, I'll tell you what, get the suitcase out of the table,
01:04:57you set it up and I'll do the spieling, right?
01:04:59Excuse me, hello?
01:05:01I'm in charge now.
01:05:03All right.
01:05:04What do you want to do?
01:05:06Well, I'll get the suitcase out, you can do the spieling.
01:05:09That's a good idea.
01:05:16Hello, sweetheart.
01:05:22How are you?
01:05:23One night, you said.
01:05:25Yeah, I know, but what...
01:05:25Four bloody nights, Derek.
01:05:27Four nights I've had them, sleeping in the living room.
01:05:29Yeah, all right, all right.
01:05:30I'll have words, don't worry.
01:05:32And Boise keeps putting up rotten hair gel on
01:05:35and then having the audacity to complain about the smell.
01:05:37But I can't say anything to him, can I?
01:05:42Otherwise, he will know that it would be what Bunning.
01:05:45Oh, there you are.
01:05:46I have good news.
01:05:48The gas board has just given us the all-clear
01:05:49to move back into the house.
01:05:52Thank you for being there when I needed you.
01:05:54That's all right, Boise.
01:05:55You'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
01:05:57I suppose so.
01:06:00Oh, by the way, I'll get that smell sorted out, if I were you.
01:06:05You know what?
01:06:06I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your hot air duct.
01:06:09Oh, and do you know that contract I was telling you about?
01:06:12Oh, yeah.
01:06:12Well, I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday in Paris.
01:06:15Oh, go on.
01:06:16I want you to drive me there.
01:06:18Make the right impression.
01:06:20So go and hire us a nice vehicle.
01:06:24Hire a nice vehicle?
01:06:25Well, you've got a showroom full of cars.
01:06:27Yes, but I want one that's going to get us there.
01:06:31It's only money, after all.
01:06:32You don't mind if I take your staff away, do you?
01:06:35No, not at all.
01:06:37In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
01:06:39Yes, it'll be a good experience for you.
01:06:41Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire
01:06:43might rekindle a few memories.
01:06:47You are one fresh gear, isn't you?
01:06:52Hey, I've had an idea.
01:06:53Why don't we take Gary with us?
01:06:54We can drop him off on the continent.
01:06:56That'd be stupid, Rodney.
01:06:58If we get caught, we'll be the only people in history
01:07:01to get fined for trying to smuggle someone out of the country.
01:07:05You'll have to find him first.
01:07:06I saw him about an hour ago
01:07:07hitchhiking round the Eiffelton Castle.
01:07:10He's gone.
01:07:11Damien and his mates took him to play football this morning.
01:07:14The last time I saw him,
01:07:15he was in a Volkswagen camper van
01:07:17surrounded by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
01:07:19Pack off.
01:07:21Oh, well, we did our best for him, didn't we?
01:07:24Oh, yes.
01:07:25Oh, I suppose you'll see a bit of the world now, won't I?
01:07:27Hmm.
01:07:31Can you smell onions?
01:07:32There you are, darling.
01:07:44I told you I'd get it sorted.
01:07:45Yeah, well done, Del.
01:07:47I'll see you back home.
01:07:48Our nice, uncrowded home.
01:07:50OK.
01:07:52Come on in, boss.
01:07:53Let's get selling.
01:07:54It's a van.
01:08:07Yeah, it's all they had.
01:08:08Yeah, they were right out of saloons.
01:08:10Yeah.
01:08:10Go, get inside.
01:08:11It's nice and comfy.
01:08:12I don't believe this is happening to me.
01:08:14This is the most important meeting in my life.
01:08:17I'm going in a van.
01:08:19Oh, shut up.
01:08:20Get in.
01:08:21Stop moaning.
01:08:24Let's understand one thing, Derek.
01:08:28We are not stopping any warehouses to load up with beer.
01:08:32Nothing was further from my fault.
01:08:35Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, Rashid Mamoun.
01:08:41Mr. Mamoun was kidnapped over a week ago
01:08:43whilst working at his father's wine warehouse in Sherbrooke.
01:08:47I was loading in the back of a truck when the kidnapper's trapped me.
01:08:54I was taken to an apartment.
01:08:57I have no idea where it was.
01:08:59I was held there for four days and nights by two men and two women.
01:09:05I don't know what language they spoke.
01:09:08Say it in English.
01:09:09Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
01:09:13They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
01:09:15He carried a large knife and his hair smelt it.
01:09:21Beers.
01:09:22Onions.
01:09:24Interpol has launched a Europe-wide search for the criminals behind the kidnap.
01:09:28The only information they have so far is that the organisation,
01:09:32which they're calling the Gary Gang,
01:09:34may have South London connections.
01:09:35Interpol recherche activement les kidnappants dans toute l'Europe.
01:09:57Gentlemen.
01:09:58Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mamoun.
01:10:11Delighted.
01:10:14Please.
01:10:16Please, sit down.
01:10:18Please.
01:10:21Please.
01:10:29Mr. Chairman says he has always admired the British.
01:10:42His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
01:10:44Uh, contracted to the rooster?
01:10:59You are happy with the contract, Mr. Boyce?
01:11:02Oh, oui, extremely.
01:11:05Then we will sign.
01:11:07Oh, right.
01:11:09Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Mahmood's son, Rashid.
01:11:13Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Boyce, this is Mr. Boyce.
01:11:43Good pen.
01:11:53I came here to sign a contract that would have made me a millionaire.
01:11:57And thanks to you two, I end up getting arrested for kidnap.
01:12:01It's ridiculous. Kidnappers, us?
01:12:03Uh, Boyce, I was, uh, wondering, on the way back, do you mind if we stop off at the wine warehouse?
01:12:10Don't you think we're in enough sodding trouble as it is?
01:12:14Are you going to pay Dale overtime, please?
01:12:16No, I am not!
01:12:17Can you smell onions?
01:12:21Shut up!
01:12:22We've got some half-price crack ties, some miles and miles of carpet tiles, TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie OPs, pool games, gold chains, worst names, and Edda Push, and Trevor Francis, track suits from a mush, and Shepard's Bush.
01:12:40Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, no income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.
01:12:49Black or white, rich or blue, we'll cut prices and a straw.
01:12:55Doubtless hookie street
01:13:00Viva hookie street
01:13:03Long live hookie street
01:13:06Same magnifique hookie street
01:13:09Magnifique hookie street
01:13:12Hookie street
01:13:16Hookie street
01:13:22Hookie street