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QI XL S23E12 - Willy Nilly

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:30Thank you and welcome to QI. Tonight we have a willy-nilly show, wobbling between questions on working, winning, whining and way more besides. Our panel is well vintage. Full bodied and fruity, it's Josh Whittacombe.
00:45The crisp and complex Catherine Bohart.
00:50The earthy and aromatic Russell Kane.
00:56And having a little wine, it's Alan Davis.
01:06And their buzzers are all winners. Josh goes...
01:12Everyone's a winner, baby. Catherine goes...
01:16You win again.
01:18Oh, nice. Russell goes...
01:20The winner takes it all.
01:22And Alan goes...
01:24I guess I'm born to be a loser.
01:28Or a loser just can't win.
01:34So let's begin the show with a question about winning and losing. Why would a medieval knight not win the Grand National?
01:48Is it to do with the Grand National not existing in medieval times?
01:52I mean, now you're nitpicking.
01:54If there's ever a show to nitpick off.
01:58A type of horse then or something? It's something to do with a horse.
02:00They're too big. Who? The medieval knights or the Grand National?
02:02Yeah, the medieval knights horses.
02:04Not many people know that medieval knights went to war on a Shetland pony.
02:08That's correct. You are.
02:10Sorry. Sorry.
02:16You had a quick answer.
02:18Well, it wasn't exactly a Shetland pony, but they were too small to be able to compete with modern-day racehorses.
02:22So you imagine them on these towering steams, right?
02:25Oh, wow.
02:26But in 2021, archaeologists studied the bones of 2,000 horses from medieval battle sites all around Britain.
02:32And they concluded that war horses were the size of modern ponies.
02:36So you get the point.
02:38Yeah.
02:39Wow.
02:42This fits in with my already established theory.
02:46Oh, yes.
02:47That everything was smaller in the past.
02:49Yeah, everything.
02:50Which I've established because my children are rapidly becoming bigger than me.
02:54It's true, though.
02:56And I think everyone was smaller in the past.
02:58Magnums are smaller now.
02:59Are they?
03:00Yeah.
03:01Are they a mini?
03:02Oh, maybe it's that.
03:04They're just serving you a mini.
03:06Don't stand for it.
03:07No.
03:08It's patronising.
03:09What a full-size one!
03:10I'll have half now, half later.
03:12Yeah.
03:13It's a meteor hit now.
03:14Yeah.
03:15And then in...
03:16Oh, chin up.
03:17Come on.
03:18Yeah, exactly.
03:19And then in 1,000 years, they're digging around and they find the remains of me and you,
03:23Sandy, and they go, panel show guests.
03:26That's smaller.
03:27That's smaller.
03:281,000 years ago.
03:291,000 years ago.
03:30Well...
03:31Smaller people.
03:32Yeah.
03:33Live longer than taller people.
03:34Yes.
03:35Yes.
03:36But smaller species have a shorter lifespan than bigger species.
03:39So within a species, you're better off being a smaller version of it.
03:43Statistically, you'll both outlive us.
03:45You sound like a man on a first date.
03:46Yes, thank you.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48And furthermore, you will fit nicely into the boat of my car.
04:00LAUGHTER
04:02So the biggest medieval horse they recorded, these people who studied all of these ancient
04:06horses, they talk about horses being so many hands high.
04:09Hmm.
04:10How big is a hand?
04:11I'm going to stick my neck out.
04:12Yes.
04:13The size of a foot.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:17It's four inches.
04:18So the biggest one they found was five foot from the ground to the shoulder, which is 15
04:23hands.
04:24Most of the ones they found were under 14 and a half hands, which is four foot ten.
04:28And that makes them ponies.
04:30The average race horse is 16 hands, which is five foot four.
04:33But whose hand?
04:34It's an old measure, it's four inches, is the...
04:37OK.
04:38Yeah, don't let any man tell you differently.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:44Which brings me on to our second date.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47Now we're talking about the size of hands, we sound like lesbians on a first date.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52You will need at least two hands.
04:54Yes.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Do you ever think even if lesbianism was a choice, you just...
04:59Yeah.
05:00We still would, wouldn't we?
05:01Donny, I just think you look at what's available and you think,
05:03Yep, nope, definitely made a good choice.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06Would you be a lesbian, Donny?
05:08Yeah, well, I essentially...
05:09I am.
05:10Yeah.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13I mean, Alan's the one wearing that shirt, but OK.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17I love your Czech shirt.
05:18It's true.
05:19It's so nice.
05:20Aw, it just makes me think chainsaw.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22So, larger and heavier horses are not suited to that.
05:25They are not suited to the fast-moving chaos of a battlefield.
05:27You want something much nimbler.
05:29It's like a kind of tricky winger, like Lionel Messi or something.
05:32Do you know what I mean?
05:33Like low central gravity.
05:34Fast.
05:35Yeah, and also easier to remand if they're not enormous.
05:37People only started breeding larger horses after the Tudor era,
05:40and really it's because farming equipment becomes much heavier,
05:43and then carriages are more widely used.
05:45And these are the Shire horses.
05:46Wow.
05:47This is Victorian, and this is to pull really...
05:48Sure, because the way that horse is dressed, is it not 1975?
05:51Yeah.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Two pairs of moon boots.
05:55Yeah, moon boots or leg warmers on.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58And they can reach 19 hands, which is well over six foot,
06:01so absolutely enormous.
06:02Wow.
06:03The smallest horse ever to win the Grand National,
06:05which was in 1938, was ridden by the tallest jockey.
06:08Battleship.
06:09It was a 15-and-a-half hand horse,
06:11and his rider was Bruce Hobbs, who was six foot four.
06:14There he is.
06:15Wow.
06:16And he was only 17.
06:17He was the youngest winner to this day, actually.
06:19Here's a good question.
06:20What bathroom item is named after a tiny horse?
06:24Mostly in posher bathrooms, probably.
06:26Bidet.
06:27It is a bidet, absolutely right, yeah.
06:29It's actually a French breed of small horse.
06:31It comes from the old French for to trot.
06:34Oh, how nice.
06:35I know, right.
06:36It was the way you straddled it.
06:37But I was thinking, if you had the skill to paint a picture,
06:41why would you choose...?
06:47This is a painting from 1790 by somebody called
06:50Louis-Leopold Boily.
06:51It's a bit 17th-century-only fans, isn't it?
06:54Yeah.
06:55It also feels like somebody meant to make a rocking horse.
06:57It didn't quite work out, and they were like,
06:59Bidet?
07:00What's she like?
07:01She might have just been on the chair,
07:03and he just did the bidet later.
07:05Oh, yeah.
07:06Oh.
07:07Oh, you think he photoshopped it?
07:08Yeah, what about that?
07:09Yeah.
07:10Now, from winning posts to Winnie Pegg,
07:13what's a wonderful way to make a Canadian laugh?
07:16Oh, wow.
07:17Mmm, yes.
07:19Look at that.
07:20I don't think any of us have looked better.
07:22No, nor I.
07:23It's like boy band from hell, isn't it?
07:25Who's played Canada? Anybody played?
07:26I have.
07:27Oh, and?
07:28You basically just have to say please, and they will laugh.
07:31They're very accommodating.
07:33So, I love this story.
07:35We are in Canada.
07:361942.
07:37Winnipeg decided to stage a Nazi invasion to raise money for the war effort.
07:43OK?
07:44They wanted to scare people into buying war bonds, you know, the government loans to fund the war.
07:49And so, they printed official jokes in the society column of the Winnipeg Tribune and citizens were instructed to read this out at dinner time and laugh what were called regulation German laughs.
08:01And people who didn't laugh were told to report family members to the Gestapo, OK?
08:06So, this is peculiar.
08:08Now, I've been to Winnipeg and Winnipeg has a large German population.
08:12Look, I mean, I think the whole thing is odd.
08:14I read you one of the jokes.
08:15They were sort of deliberately unfunny.
08:16Question, who was that lady last night I saw you out with?
08:19Answer, that lady was my wife.
08:21And then you had to go, ha-ha!
08:22Ha-ha!
08:23The whole thing was called If Day, all right?
08:28So, the radio stations played emergency broadcasts.
08:31A blackout was called.
08:32The Canadian Air Force pretended to dive-bomb the city.
08:36By 9.30 in the morning, Winnipeg itself had been renamed Himmlerstadt.
08:41Nazi rule was imposed...
08:42Do you know what?
08:43Say what you will about the Nazis, but they get up early and get things done.
08:47Town officials were marched off to prison camps.
08:50German money was given out in the shops.
08:52The Winnipeg Tribune, which was the local paper, renamed itself Das Winnipeger Lügenblatt.
08:57Anyway, the whole day ended in a parade and they raised $3 million for the war effort,
09:02which is 59 million today.
09:04Whoa!
09:05That's next year's comic relief sorted, anyway.
09:10Speaking of World War II, why do we not hear more about the British invasion of Iceland?
09:15Did you say Iceland?
09:16Iceland, yeah.
09:17As you were.
09:18Oh.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20APPLAUSE
09:22Isn't it where it is sort of thing?
09:25It's position.
09:26It's extremely strategic.
09:27They were worried about the Nazis or the Canadians.
09:30All those pesky people from Winnipeg.
09:33They were worried about people from Winnipeg seizing it,
09:36so they sent Kerry Katona and Peter Andre in.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39That's why Mum went to Iceland.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:44So Denmark is occupied by the Germans in 1940,
09:48and at the time, the king of Denmark was also the king of Iceland.
09:52This is the king at the time, Christian X.
09:55He was just an amazing man.
09:57Iceland cut its ties with Denmark,
10:00and Britain was very worried that Germany would invade Iceland,
10:03a very strategic foothold in the North Atlantic,
10:06and so they offered to help maintain their independence
10:09in exchange for access to the facilities,
10:11and Iceland said, we would like to stay neutral.
10:14Churchill said, we're going to invade,
10:16and the Icelandic people went, oh, OK, then.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:21It's like the most polite invasion of all time.
10:24The Prime Minister of Iceland said, we don't really want them here,
10:27but please, could you be polite to them?
10:29There was about 30,000 people living in the capital in Reykjavik.
10:33746 Royal Marines turned up,
10:35and they kept giving out leaflets apologising for the inconvenience.
10:38I love this. It's such a brilliant...
10:40It's the most brilliant British invasion.
10:42Sorry. Sorry. So sorry. So sorry.
10:45And the Icelandic people weren't quite sure what to do.
10:48There was a British soldier.
10:49He reported that a man yelled, I like you, in English,
10:51and then added, and Heil Hitler, just in case.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:59It was euphemistically known as Astandio.
11:01It was the situation, right?
11:04And eventually, the soldiers represented half the population of Reykjavik.
11:08There were 15,000 soldiers in the end.
11:11What was the problem, do you think?
11:12Shagging. Shagging is exactly right.
11:14Yes, it is exactly right.
11:16England!
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19It just came out, so I've been holding it in all the way through.
11:22You're right, Josh. It was shagging.
11:24It was trying to stop the Icelandic women from having babies
11:26with all of these soldiers turning up.
11:28And the babies are still known as Astansborn.
11:30Children born of the situation.
11:32Imagine being able to spot the one fathered of a British,
11:34really beautiful, tall Icelandic children, and there's Gary at the end.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38I'm not even that close, but I think it might be English.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42But surely...
11:43Surely that would be useful if you have a small population.
11:47Like, the first time I went on a dating app in Ireland,
11:49I saw my sister.
11:51Yeah.
11:52Shout-out to her.
11:53Wow.
11:54And it didn't work out.
11:55But the thing is...
11:56LAUGHTER
11:58It's both funny and creepy.
12:00I know.
12:01I know.
12:02Welcome to the team.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05OK, moving along.
12:07What's the least professional thing anyone's done
12:11in a West End dressing room?
12:13Ooh.
12:14I mean, it begs the question if anyone's ever done anything
12:16professional in a West End dressing room.
12:18I mean, it is mainly fully grown men getting into furry suits
12:22to perform as things like...
12:24I don't know.
12:25What are the names of the cats?
12:26Simba.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:30I know it's a job, but Christ, it's not right.
12:32No.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34Not right.
12:35Well, I mean, the amount of times I've been in the West End
12:38and not been paid, it was literally non-professional.
12:41Yeah.
12:42You could interpret it like that.
12:43Or pissing in a sink.
12:44It's one of the two.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Oh, my God, that peeing in the sink thing.
12:48What?
12:49What?
12:50Oh, so...
12:51At the Comedy Store in London, in the dressing room,
12:53there was a sink in the corner and it was the only place
12:55for the turns to have a wee.
12:57And I...
12:58I couldn't reach.
12:59Um...
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01Oh, God, who held you?
13:02Josie Lawrence!
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04The loo was right up the other end of the venue.
13:07I know.
13:08You had to pass the entire audience to get to the loo.
13:10That's the thing.
13:11And particularly after you've been on as well.
13:13I would always choose a sink wee if it's a shared facility.
13:16Just out of safety more than anything.
13:18Well, we are going back to 1735 at Drury Lane.
13:22There were two actors called Charles Macklin and Thomas Hallam
13:25and they were both working at the Drury Lane.
13:27This is Charles Macklin.
13:28And they got into a terrible argument over a wig.
13:31They both wanted to wear this particular wig in the show.
13:36So the story goes that Thomas Hallam had it on.
13:39There are various versions of this.
13:40Most likely what happened is that Charles Macklin,
13:42who always carried a cane, was so angry about the wig
13:46that he went to flip it off Thomas Hallam's head
13:50and he accidentally, violently pierced through his eye...
13:54Oh, jeez!
13:56..and into his brain.
13:58OK.
13:59So, there was a third actor there who was playing...
14:01Good noises!
14:02I know!
14:03He's very like panter.
14:04He's really like panter.
14:05You know, he blinded him and you're going,
14:07Ooh!
14:10Where's his eyeball?
14:11Behind him!
14:12Well, there was a third actor who was playing a female part
14:15and had a skirt on.
14:16And so, Hallam screamed at him.
14:18So, Hallam's the one who's got the thing in his eye.
14:20Whip up your skirts and urine in my eye.
14:23What?
14:24Huh?
14:25Yes.
14:26No, so between...
14:27It's easier than going to the toilet where the audience...
14:28Exactly.
14:29Well, there was a belief that urine could disinfect wounds.
14:32Anyway, this is a terrible thing.
14:34This made the actor in the dress so nervous he couldn't produce...
14:37any urine.
14:38Yeah.
14:39Yeah.
14:40And so, Macklin, who'd done the stabbing and was really sorry
14:42that this had happened, urinated into Hallam's eye socket.
14:47I don't think he was sorry.
14:50Well...
14:51Yeah.
14:52I think the original excuse of, sorry I pierced into your eye,
14:55I was trying to whip the wig off your head is a bit far-fetched.
14:59And also, sorry for them pissing in your eye socket.
15:02Anyway, it's not a good story, Hallam died.
15:05Oh!
15:06What?
15:07Despite the urine, I know you're surprised, right?
15:09Did he go to prison?
15:11Did the other one go to prison?
15:12Well, he was trying for murder, Macklin, and part of his defence was
15:15the wig was absolutely necessary for my part.
15:20These were homosexual men.
15:21I suspect so, my darling, I do.
15:24Anyway, it was concluded that it was manslaughter and not murder,
15:26and he was released.
15:27I just think it's difficult to take on a client as a barrister
15:32who's pissed in the eye socket of the corpse.
15:37At that point, I think you've got to say this,
15:39if I get him off on manslaughter, I've had a weird hair, haven't I?
15:42Also, really weird to take on a client who already attacked a man
15:45over his gorgeous wig, if you're a barrister.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49APPLAUSE
15:52Anyway, it was a very strange thing. Macklin died in 1797,
16:00and they put up a memorial plaque up to him.
16:02You can still see it.
16:03It's at St Paul's Church in Covent Garden,
16:05and it's decorated with a theatrical mask.
16:07Oh, there's a dagger poking through...
16:09Oh, my word.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12..through one of the eye holes.
16:13That's back to a comedian.
16:15There's a water fountain that switches on behind it.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:21Isn't that extraordinary? Wow.
16:22Yeah.
16:23But, of course, wigs were an essential part of gentlemen's attire,
16:26so we're talking 18th-century Britain.
16:28Wow.
16:29So, you know, we talk about the powder room.
16:30Americans particularly say, I'm going to the powder room.
16:32Yeah.
16:33Do you know what the powder room was originally?
16:34It was to have your wig powdered,
16:36and you would wear what was called a powder cone.
16:38Honestly, it looked like a sort of beak over your face,
16:40so you didn't get the powder all over your face.
16:42And then there were some holes.
16:43LAUGHTER
16:46I love my ice cream.
16:48Yeah.
16:49What do you think the thing on the left is?
16:51That's the glory hole.
16:52Oh, is that...?
16:53LAUGHTER
16:56It's called a wig hole, and as far as we know,
16:59this one survives in Southsea House on Wimbledon Common.
17:02You would insert your wig with your head still attached,
17:05and a servant on the other side would spruce it up for you,
17:07and it saves you having to go into the pokey powder room
17:10or getting powder on the floor and all that kind of thing.
17:12And what's the powder for? To give it body?
17:14It's really to make it look more spruce.
17:16And smell less, I think.
17:17Wasn't it to make it smell a bit nice?
17:19Yes.
17:20They didn't really wash them, did they?
17:21Well, a lot of people wore wigs because they had diseases.
17:23Poorer people were often paid for their hair
17:25in order to make rich people's wigs.
17:27In fact, in France,
17:28haircutting became a sort of public attraction.
17:30They had hair auctions in the 1840s,
17:32and young girls would sell their hair...
17:34That still goes on.
17:35Yes. Does it?
17:36Selling your hair?
17:37Yeah.
17:38That's my hair from 1995.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:42We all surely would sell our hair for a price,
17:44wouldn't we?
17:45No.
17:46Wouldn't you?
17:47No.
17:48That's the only hair that would get any money on this?
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51There was an extraordinary wig war,
17:53which is not all that long ago.
17:54Staten Island, which is in New York, 2017.
17:56There was a man called Mezendiam,
17:57and he claimed that he had a lifelong fear
17:59of the Looney Tunes cartoon character,
18:01the Tasmanian Devil, right?
18:03Oh, what?
18:04And his father-in-law thought this was hilarious.
18:06His father-in-law was called Eunice Doley.
18:08They're both actually still alive.
18:09And he used to torment him by removing his wig
18:12and waving it around to mime the Tasmanian devil character.
18:17LAUGHTER
18:18And, in fact, the younger man took out a restraining order
18:21to stop him doing this thing,
18:23and it came to a head when the older man was arrested
18:26for violating this restraining order
18:28by waving his hairpiece at his son-in-law during a funeral.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34Wow!
18:35Now, while we're wrestling in the wings,
18:37what sort of waterfowl could beat you in a fight?
18:41Is that a klaxon baiter up there?
18:43I don't know, darling, what are you going to say?
18:45Go on.
18:46Well, they...
18:47They can hurt you.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:52They can't break your arm.
18:53We've had that on another one.
18:55No.
18:56Swans.
18:57Yes.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:00That was a Munchausen's klaxon by proxy.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05Not swans, what's the other one?
19:06What's the other one?
19:07Give us another one.
19:08A Canadian goose.
19:09Goose.
19:10Take it home.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12I think I'd lose, because I just can't see myself fighting back.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19I'm not punching a swan, am I?
19:22It can...
19:23It can beat you in it.
19:24Like, I would genuinely run away from an aggressive goose.
19:27That's one.
19:28Well, my wife and I were walking by a lake in Denmark,
19:30and I'm completely mad Canadian goose came at us.
19:33And my wife said to me, get behind me.
19:35And I did.
19:36LAUGHTER
19:40I said, I did.
19:41And then she said to the goose, you're not fucking having her.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:45APPLAUSE
19:47And anyway, it went off and I said to her, what was the plan?
19:54She said, I was going to grab it by the neck and swing it round my head.
19:58LAUGHTER
20:00So did she just front it up, basically?
20:02She just fronted it up.
20:03Like outside a pub on a Friday night.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06But I want to show you something.
20:07So a few million years ago, there were some really big goose-like birds
20:11walking the earth.
20:12The most threatening was the Garganornist Balmani, OK?
20:17This was the largest ever member of the duck, goose and swan family.
20:23It was about five feet tall.
20:25So I'm exactly five feet tall.
20:26So I want you to imagine that a duck...
20:29..comes...
20:32..comes at you.
20:33What about if it's over you, it shits on your head?
20:35Well...
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37That was going to be my next trick.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39Bring up the ladder.
20:41Oh!
20:42Josie Lawrence comes out.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45APPLAUSE
20:47There you are!
20:48Here it comes!
20:49Here it comes!
20:50Here it comes!
20:51The truth is, this one, the wings were very small.
20:53They were probably for fighting and it probably couldn't fly.
20:56They had what's called a pronounced carpal knob, right?
20:59So it's a sort of hard...
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02..well, settle.
21:03That was all of us on tour.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05It's three nights in a travel lodge.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08APPLAUSE
21:10So it's a rounded lump, it's a hard bit on the end of the wing bone
21:13and it's used to fight off a territorial rival.
21:16Actually, today, some smaller ducks and geese do have these
21:19and they are known to break each other's bones with them,
21:21but as you quite rightly say, we have had this on QI before
21:24and they probably couldn't break your arm.
21:26They lived on an ancient Mediterranean island group.
21:30It's now part of the Italian mainland.
21:32There are lots of other extinct giant birds.
21:34There's the Thunderbirds, large...
21:35Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:38They're not extinct.
21:39Thunderbirds are go.
21:40Gone.
21:41No, the birds are gone.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44They remade Thunderbirds in a kind of computerised animation way
21:48and the kids loved it.
21:51And I said, it's not as good as the old one.
21:53And I showed them the old one
21:55and they couldn't believe how long it took
21:57for Thunderbird 2 to take off.
21:59It was an Italian...
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01Came out of the thing and the palm trees went down
22:04and then the thing...
22:05How long before it took us in the new one?
22:08It goes...
22:09It's like Postman Pat.
22:11It's a similar thing for him.
22:12Oh, he's in a helicopter now.
22:13He can't show it.
22:14He's in a helicopter now.
22:15That, for me, that's too much.
22:17What?
22:18The whole episode used to be he's taking someone
22:20a birthday card and now...
22:22No wonder the post office is in financial trouble.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:27He's got a chopper to go from village to village
22:29because of the emergency parcels.
22:31They're all blaming it on the postmaster stealing money.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:35I do not want to hear about Postman Pat's chopper.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:40Did you know in Postman Pat, by the way, just as an aside...
22:42Yes, darling.
22:43There's, like, a kind of inside joke
22:46that he's shagging his way round Greendale.
22:48Really?
22:49And if you look at the...
22:50All the kids in the school look like Postman Pat.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:55He's Icelandic, ironically.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:59Well, now, how do you think all of you would do
23:01in a fight with a modern-day goose?
23:05Verbal or physical?
23:07LAUGHTER
23:09Pay-per-view?
23:11LAUGHTER
23:12What's your feeling about it?
23:14What, and just taking out that, obviously,
23:16I don't want to get in problems with the RSPCA, so I could go for it, right?
23:20Yeah.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:22It's one-on-one, everyone's allowing me full reign?
23:24Yes.
23:25I'd beat the shit out of a goose.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27There's absolutely no way you would beat the shit out of a goose.
23:31If a goose...
23:32Wow, let's find out!
23:33Bring out the goose!
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35If a goose came at you full pelt,
23:36you'd be hiding with Sandy behind her walk.
23:38LAUGHTER
23:41So, it's interesting, what would your reaction be, Heather?
23:44Instinctively, I feel like I'd kick the shit out of a goose.
23:46Would you be kicking?
23:47Yeah.
23:48You've got to kick it.
23:49But, I mean, its beat will take your skin off.
23:51If it gets you in the eye, it'll blind you.
23:53That is true, I...
23:54And they can take off.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56You're right.
23:57They can go really high and come at you like a dive bomber.
23:58He's not going to...
23:59He's not going to air attack me, is he?
24:00What if he does, though?
24:01You're all like, I'm going to have you,
24:03and he takes off and comes at you from 40 feet
24:05with his beat right in your eye and blinds you.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:08Keep me down, you shit!
24:10LAUGHTER
24:17We live near a pond and the swans and the geese quite often
24:20are in disagreement about who can have which bit of it.
24:23Yeah.
24:24But the swans, if they don't want the geese there,
24:26they will clear them out.
24:27They come across the pond about six feet off the ground,
24:30making an incredible noise, and you have to duck.
24:32Not ducks as well.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35Well, they did a study, a YouGov poll in 2021,
24:3858% of British men thought that they could beat a goose,
24:41compared to 32% of British women.
24:44By contrast, 71% of American men and 51% of American women
24:48thought they could win.
24:49Has it ever been put to the test?
24:51No, I don't think it has.
24:52But there are also people who thought they couldn't beat anything.
24:5523% of men and 43% of women surveyed said they couldn't
24:58defeat a house cat.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:02If a goose was going for one of my kids or something like that,
25:05I think I would kill it.
25:06Yeah.
25:07And then only after I'd killed it would I think,
25:09oh, I've just had a fight with a goose.
25:11I mean, you wouldn't...
25:12Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the child.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:15You can't take my baby!
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19I'm not going to let you get back to death, son, I'm sorry.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23Does it not depend on which child is being attacked?
25:25LAUGHTER
25:26That's how they behaved that morning at breakfast.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29I mean, the goose is coming, you're on your own, you shit.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33I'm team goose.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Right, moving on.
25:37Who wins when there's wet weather?
25:40People with straight hair.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44What luxury?
25:46Is it sport?
25:47No.
25:48How else might you win if it's not in sport?
25:49Oh, war.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51Nobody wins in war.
25:52Oh, no.
25:53Burn!
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55Right?
25:56Someone doesn't remember us taking over Iceland, so...
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59Should have been in Reykjavik, babe.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01We are talking about wages.
26:02People winning on bets.
26:03It's in Cambodia.
26:04Oh.
26:05Wait, what?
26:06Yeah, it's huge.
26:07So there's a six-month monsoon season.
26:08Tens of thousands of people flock to the rice paddies rooftops across the country to get a good view of the sky so that they can judge whether or not it's going to rain.
26:14And then they radio a bet to the bookie on a walkie-talkie. It's almost all done on trust, so the better might meet the bookie in a cafe or something over the next few days to change the money.
26:39And one weather gambler in Battambang, which is Cambodia's third-largest city, estimated that 80% of all residents will place a bet on the rain during one season.
26:49Wow.
26:50They use walkie-talkies because they have an advantage over telephones. You don't have to dial, you just press one button to talk.
26:55You can transmit to multiple people at the same time. And, of course, the betting is illegal, so there's no call log to say that you have done this.
27:03So the really weirdest thing about it is how they decide to pay out, right?
27:08OK, so each area has got a heavily guarded building known only to the gamblers. And on the roof of these buildings, there is a table stacked with 13 layers of tissue paper.
27:18And the watchers stand three metres away from the paper. It has to rain enough for the tissues to be soaked through and water to drip off them.
27:27That's a lot of rain. It is a lot of rain. It is. But it's huge business. There are rain brokers. They have thousands of clients.
27:34Are you talking about a country where the average monthly income is about $85? There are bets of $1,000 at a time.
27:41Whoa!
27:42Whole houses, whole businesses change hands on a single rain bet.
27:46We bet on the weather in the sense of the white Christmas is a bet, isn't it?
27:50Yes, that's right.
27:51Oh, yeah, you can gamble on that.
27:52What's that judged on, then?
27:54Whether it snows or not.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56I can't believe you didn't think about it.
28:02That's why I'm in charge, that's it.
28:05The Cambodians like to wager on wet weather, but now it's time to wet our whistles.
28:10Anybody know what these cups are?
28:12Is that the Europa League and the European combination?
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16So, we'll start with the one on the left. It's called a wager cup, OK?
28:20And it was used in drinking games.
28:22So, this looks nice and easy and you just drink out of here.
28:25But, in fact, what you do is you hold it like this and here is a cup and here is a cup
28:31and it is designed for two people to drink from and the idea is that you both have to drink all of it and not spill any, OK?
28:39Simultaneously?
28:40Yes.
28:41So, I'm going to bring it over.
28:42Oh, no.
28:43LAUGHTER
28:44So, which one of you wants to drink from the smaller cup?
28:47Who's going on bottom, who's going on top?
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50I'm going on top.
28:51I've got some vintage QI wine here.
28:54There we go.
28:55Like that.
28:56Oh, that's full.
28:57Like that.
28:58OK.
28:59OK.
29:00So, the idea...
29:01LAUGHTER
29:06Someone's getting rebooked.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:10Oh, sorry, are we still filming?
29:12OK.
29:13So, you have to do it at the same time and you both have to finish all of it.
29:16So, am I going towards you?
29:17OK.
29:18Go on.
29:19Oh, it's pretty good.
29:20Oh, brilliant.
29:21Why is it so sexy?
29:22It's fantastic.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24Yes!
29:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:26Yes!
29:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:28APPLAUSE
29:29It was quite Lady and the Tramp.
29:30Yes, they were the spaghetti.
29:31Yes, that's very, very good.
29:32A little bit of Photoshop could transform what just happened.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:35They were often used as wedding cups so the bride and groom would have to drink at the same time.
29:50They were very popular in Germany in the 17th century and then became popular in British drinking games in the 19th century.
29:56Right.
29:57The other cup in the picture is a Pythagoras cup and you two have a Pythagoras cup.
30:01So we do.
30:02OK, can you put it on a tray for me?
30:04Now, what I would like you to do, please, is to fill your cup.
30:10Have you got some water there or do I...?
30:12Yes.
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14I've been stabbed in the eye!
30:15LAUGHTER
30:16Can you hold the cup in the air while it is filled, please?
30:17Yes.
30:18Don't overfill it, OK, is the thing that I'm going to say.
30:19OK.
30:20It's a much older design than the Wager cup.
30:21It dates from around the 6th century BC.
30:22Should I keep going?
30:23Keep going?
30:24Well, yes, I just keep going.
30:25Oh, it's leaking!
30:26Oh, no!
30:27Oh, oh!
30:28Oh, you've overfilled it.
30:29Oh.
30:30Oh, you idiot.
30:31Yes.
30:32Oh.
30:33Oh, you idiot.
30:34Yes.
30:35Oh.
30:36Oh.
30:37Oh.
30:38Oh.
30:39Oh.
30:40Oh, you've overfilled it.
30:41Oh.
30:42Oh, you idiot.
30:43Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?
30:44We did.
30:45Oh, we did it really well.
30:46Those two, perfect.
30:47You two, absolutely.
30:48Just magic.
30:49Get on your knees, we need to turn this round.
30:50What did you say?
30:51It's magic.
30:52It's magic.
30:53It's not coming out of the bottom until it is coming out of the bottom.
30:54What are you talking about?
30:55So when it went above the proboscis, I want to call it, it started leaking out of the bottom.
31:08So the theory is that Pythagoras invented this to stop his students becoming greedy, because if any of
31:12them poured themselves too much wine, the entire contents would drain away.
31:17Wow.
31:18So what happens, let me show you.
31:19I've got one here.
31:20The whole thing is emptied now.
31:21It's fully emptied.
31:22Yes.
31:23It's fully emptied.
31:24How's that?
31:25Well, that is a siphon effect.
31:26So it's got this thing in the middle, and it has a hole the other end, and I will show
31:31you how it works on the chart here.
31:34Oh, look how she's got a pointer.
31:35They've given me a pointer.
31:36No.
31:37It's got a hole in the bottom here, and the water or the wine can go all the way up here.
31:49If you only fill it to here, you can see that the wine doesn't go down through.
31:54Right.
31:55But if you fill it above, then the siphon effect starts immediately.
31:59Oh.
32:00Like getting petrol out of a...
32:01It is exactly like that, darling, and what will happen is all of it will pour out the
32:06bottom, so the idea is to not fill it above the column.
32:10So clever.
32:11I always wondered how the fabric softener got out of the tray in the washing machine.
32:16Wow, you really need to get out more.
32:17Wow, savage.
32:18Wait, so he did this to stop his students having too much of his wine?
32:27So the theory was it was to stop people being greedy.
32:29Was Pythagoras a Protestant?
32:31It's not one of the things we remember him for.
32:36Can we think of somewhere you might use a similar mechanism?
32:41A fabric softener drawer?
32:43I tell you what, let's have a look.
32:47We can show you, possibly it's a little bit easier.
32:50So if I pour water in here, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, and then it reaches the bottom
32:58of the straw and the water is starting to go in and there's going to be a sort of tipping
33:03point when there's so much water that the siphon effect begins...
33:07There we go.
33:08Wow.
33:09And out it comes out the bottom.
33:10So is that all going to come out?
33:11Yeah.
33:12Gravity is just going to pull it out.
33:13So where might you find a similar mechanism?
33:15In the toilet?
33:16Yes.
33:17Specifically American toilets use this system.
33:20When you flush an American toilet, the water is pumped into the bowl so that it flows
33:23into a pipe behind the bowl and then it comes down the other side.
33:27The advantage of their system is that it's quieter than ours.
33:31The disadvantage is that the siphon has to be quite narrow in order to get the seal.
33:36You like the sound of the loo flushing.
33:37I want a loud toilet.
33:39Why do you want a loud toilet, darling?
33:42I don't know, it just feels like the way it should be.
33:44Yeah, the aeroplane toilet, it's like it's there, your poo is like...
33:47I have destroyed you!
33:51So you're saying that it's too thin so actually there's a problem with it?
33:56It gets blocked very easily.
33:57So I prefer the sound and less blockage.
34:00Let's go and sink.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Right, cups away, please.
34:06Now it's time to whip out a round of general ignorance.
34:09Fingers on buzzers, please.
34:11How many syllables does a haiku have?
34:17Two.
34:18Just two syllables.
34:19Haiku.
34:20Haiku.
34:21When it's written down, the Japanese poem, how many syllables does it have?
34:41There's a seven and a five and another number.
34:48Sound like you're doing an eye test.
34:53Sounds like I'm trying to reach the dead, doesn't it?
34:56Did anyone live at number 75?
34:59So the Western theory is that it's 17 syllables but it is a misconception.
35:03So you're right, darling, five, seven, five would be the format that most people in the West think.
35:07I'm so close.
35:08It's good formation, that gets Portsmouth.
35:11So some traditional haiku do have that.
35:13A great many deviate from that particular structure.
35:15The most important thing is not the number of syllables.
35:17It has to describe nature.
35:19It has to specifically incorporate one of the seasons.
35:22And the bit that I really love about them is they have to depict a moment of realisation.
35:27So there's a sort of reveal in a really tiny poem.
35:30When they're at the best, I think they're absolutely beautiful.
35:33There was an 18th century poet called Yosa Busen and he wrote,
35:37The light of a candle is transferred to another candle spring twilight.
35:42And I think it's so beautiful because it describes a very common household scene.
35:46You use one candle to light another candle and the reveal is that he's referring to the stars becoming visible one after another at twilight.
35:53But I want to go to Mutsuyama.
35:55It's a Japanese city.
35:57They have 90 post boxes specifically for people to post their own haiku.
36:02And these are gathered up every three months and they're read by the local poets and then there's declared a winner.
36:07Don't you think it's a beautiful thing?
36:09Yeah, I did until you added the winner.
36:11It's like, Edinburgh, the competition ruins it.
36:15No offence, Russell, I know you did win.
36:17Obviously if you win it takes the edge off.
36:23Is there anyone mistakenly posting a letter?
36:27What, to South East Water?
36:29Yeah.
36:30But there's a...
36:31What are those big pictures on walls called?
36:33A mural?
36:34Outside Columbia Road Primary School of a woman posting a letter
36:38with an old-style post box.
36:40My friend was posting his letters in it for six months.
36:43LAUGHTER
36:44They'd obviously got an old slot from 100 years ago that was in the wall so someone had drawn a mural around it.
36:50Oh, I bet loads of people were doing that.
36:52Yeah.
36:53No, because then he was, like, told, so he went to the school because they were going into the school.
36:57LAUGHTER
36:59And they were like, oh, yeah, is it you?
37:02Yeah, here you go.
37:03LAUGHTER
37:04And he said, oh, I bet this happens all the time.
37:06They were like, no.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:09I love a proper letter.
37:10I write to my kids, I always send them Valentine's Day cards and things.
37:13But I think to send poetry would be a nice thing.
37:15OK, you can send Valentine's cards to your kids, but I can't date my sister.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:19A couple of standards.
37:20You know what I mean?
37:21There's something very wrong in the world.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:24And I think it's you.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:26What medal would you get for first place in the first modern Olympics?
37:33So that's Athens, 1896.
37:36Yes, very good.
37:37You get a point for that.
37:43So, you come first.
37:44You come first.
37:45What do you get now?
37:46You get gold.
37:47A heavy gold medal.
37:48You get a gold medal.
37:49You got some of the Eiffel Tower in your medal.
37:51That's right.
37:52Really?
37:53When it finished, it fell over, did it?
37:54LAUGHTER
37:56In the first modern Olympics, the very first medal was silver.
38:00So for first prize, you got silver.
38:02And for second prize, you got copper.
38:04What do you think third prize was?
38:06Was it a classic version of first, the worst, second, the worst, third,
38:09the one with the hairy chest?
38:10LAUGHTER
38:11Was it hair?
38:13Hair?
38:14Hair.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:16Third, nothing.
38:17You got nothing at all.
38:18Rightly so.
38:19The ancient Olympics, they used to award only the victor for each event.
38:23Do you know what they got at the ancient Olympics?
38:25It's like a kind of leafy...
38:27An olive wreath.
38:29An olive wreath.
38:30And they had a statue built to them.
38:32They had to do it in the nude.
38:33That's so much better than a medal.
38:35I think that's very good.
38:36Well, you have to do it nude.
38:37Imagine that.
38:38That would be so painful, wouldn't it?
38:39T-t-t-t, like, 100 metres slow to the slapping.
38:42LAUGHTER
38:44I'm sorry, I would not want to do the 100 metres without some sort of
38:47protection, you know, if you're like...
38:49LAUGHTER
38:51Sigmatic as a close finish.
38:56Look, there wasn't a photo finish, you couldn't throw your penis...
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01If you need a replay, now...
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04I'll tell you what, the whole vault would have to be seen
39:07to be...
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10Now, how does a wetsuit stop you from getting cold in the water?
39:14Oh, I've always wondered. I'm looking forward to this.
39:16OK.
39:17Because the water goes in it... Yeah.
39:19..and the water that's in it is warmed by your body.
39:22Yeah, that's what I think.
39:23BUZZER
39:24No, it's not.
39:25They both thought it at the same time.
39:27No, no. Do you know what, Alan? You're thick.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:31Well, that's what I was told when I was wearing wetsuits
39:34in my many years. It is what people used to believe.
39:37So it was invented by a physicist called Hugh Bradner.
39:41He was part of the Manhattan Project
39:43and he was studying underwater nuclear explosions
39:46and he noticed that there was a problem with divers losing body heat.
39:49So he invented the wetsuit.
39:51And when people were asked, oh, what if the water gets in,
39:54basically he said it isn't a problem and so we all assumed at the time
39:57that this is what was keeping us warm, it was the layer of water.
40:01In fact, it's made of neoprene and it has a cellular structure.
40:05So essentially it's a network of thousands of tiny gas bubbles
40:08and bubbles, they're mostly nitrogen, are very poor conductors of heat
40:12and so this stops the material from conducting the heat away
40:15from the swimming body.
40:17Now, what did ancient Britons use woad for?
40:21They painted themselves with this.
40:27You were doing so well.
40:28I see, the thing is, I know loads of stuff and it's all wrong.
40:34But do you know what, Alan, you've made a living out of it for 23 years.
40:39What is woad, for example?
40:41So, it's a flowering plant.
40:43It's satis tinctoria.
40:44It's this yellow plant that you can see behind here.
40:46Oh, no, it's so sharp.
40:47It makes a great dye.
40:48It makes a lovely ink that you could use for writing.
40:51But you cannot use it for tattooing or for body painting
40:54because it is extremely caustic.
40:57It literally burns into the skin and causes severe scarring.
41:01Historically, most commonly used to dye textiles.
41:04So, Julius Caesar, when he describes the British people
41:07that he first encountered, which would be in Kent,
41:09he describes them as painting themselves blue
41:12and they used vitro to do it.
41:14And many centuries later, historians decided
41:17this was a common term for woad.
41:18But there is no contemporary evidence for this
41:21and indeed it would be a terrible mistake.
41:24You could probably water it down.
41:29Be all right, be all right.
41:31A little bit, tiny bit corsic, you'll be all right.
41:33Where's the eyebrow gone?
41:35The Saharan Tuareg are known historically
41:38for having their skin tinted blue,
41:40but in their case it's due to the indigo dye
41:42that they have in their clothing.
41:44Aren't there actually some blue people
41:46that live in a community in America?
41:48Those are called Smurfs, darling, and they're not real.
41:50LAUGHTER
41:52There are people born with a mutation,
41:55they're born with blue skin.
41:57Not like little bit blue, as blue as that geezer's outfit.
42:01It's in Kentucky.
42:03No point.
42:04An amazing fact.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:06Thank you, Alan.
42:07APPLAUSE
42:08The thing I love about them is that they are matrilineal,
42:18so the family line runs entirely through the mother's side.
42:21It's the men who are veiled and after a divorce,
42:24the women retain all of the property.
42:26The ex-husband is sent off to live with his mother with just a camel.
42:29LAUGHTER
42:31Great sitcom, wasn't it?
42:33Oh.
42:34The ex-husband is the mother and the camel.
42:36The camel.
42:37LAUGHTER
42:38She's got the house.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:40Episode 1.
42:41I got the...
42:42LAUGHTER
42:44With that, it's almost time for us to hit the woad.
42:47Oh, that's nice.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:49That's... that's...
42:50Do you know what?
42:51APPLAUSE
42:52But first, a small matter of the scores.
43:03In last place, winner of the woad and spoon with minus 18,
43:06it's Russell!
43:08CHEERING
43:09Coming third and so winning nothing at all,
43:12with minus 15, it's Alan.
43:14CHEERING
43:16And in second place, the copper medallist with one point,
43:21Catherine.
43:22CHEERING
43:23And winning willy-nilly tonight, hi-ho silver,
43:28with five points, it's Josh.
43:30CHEERING
43:38So, a big thank you to Catherine, Russell, Josh and Alan,
43:41and I leave you with this from Canadian speed skater Olivier Jean,
43:45who won gold at the 2010 Winter Olympics.
43:48In the end, I'm just a guy wearing spandex
43:51that turns left really fast.
43:53LAUGHTER
43:54Thank you and goodnight.
43:55APPLAUSE
43:56CHEERING
43:58CHEERING
43:59APPLAUSE
44:12LAUGHTER
44:14APPLAUSE
44:18APPLAUSE
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