- 9 months ago
Men vs Women Valentine's Day Max Amini Stand Up Comedy,Men vs Women Valentine's Day Max Amini Stand Up Comedy,Men vs Women Valentine's Day Max Amini Stand Up Comedy,,Men vs Women Valentine's Day Max Amini Stand Up Comedy
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00:00Happy Valentine's Day! Yeah? Who's happy that it's Valentine's Day? Yeah? Excited?
00:08Oh, that's a nice guy. He clapped for Valentine's Day.
00:14It's nothing but a burden for us, right? No guy is ever excited about Valentine's Day.
00:19It's the truth. It's not our fucking day. It's not.
00:23It's so much work and we have to think and remember.
00:27Yeah, but guys, no guy in the history of universe has been like,
00:32Oh my God, I can't wait. It's Valentine's Day coming.
00:35Bro, bro, Valentine's Day is coming. No, no. It never ever happened.
00:40I can't wait, man. Chocolate, bro.
00:45Even the gay guy is like, I agree. Fucking never happened.
00:49We don't even, we high-five, fuck Valentine's Day, blowjob after the Valentine's Day.
00:57We don't give a shit. We don't give a shit.
01:02Like men, we don't care about romance. We're not wired that way.
01:07There is no man romantic. It doesn't exist.
01:11That's true. This is true. Who thinks you're the romantic?
01:15I am. Hey, Raj?
01:17No, he's not romantic. 100%.
01:19How do you know? Did you give him a flower too?
01:23Why? Why do you think?
01:25I go above and beyond every time.
01:27Above and beyond? This is not a fucking car dealership.
01:30Ma'am, I go above and beyond for you. If you buy this car, I go above and beyond.
01:34I give you a good deal. I give you a tire, a spare tire. No problem.
01:37No, give me examples.
01:39I asked him if I knew my Valentine last week.
01:42But you guys, is this a new thing?
01:44How did you get married in April?
01:46Okay, so you're getting married in two months.
01:51This is the most misogynistic scenario.
01:56So who were you going to take if she said no?
02:00Habibi, don't worry. I have some other situations.
02:03I am very romantic with many, many people.
02:10Romantic, let me tell you what I mean by that.
02:12Women need romance.
02:14They need it.
02:15They need it.
02:17Men, we don't fucking need it.
02:19Women, like you want to make love to a woman.
02:21She's like, I need a mood.
02:23I need, I just can't.
02:24I need some, I need some mood lighting in here.
02:27Play some music.
02:29Where's your candle? I need candles, music.
02:32Dim the lights.
02:35Yeah.
02:36You need it.
02:37Men, we don't give a shit.
02:39We could be in the basement
02:42on top of the washing machine
02:45while the machine is tumbling like,
02:47oh, this is actually helping.
02:48This is fantastic.
02:50Oh, what a great situation over here.
02:53Neighbors passing.
02:54What's up, dude?
02:55Ah!
02:57Ah!
03:02Who's from India?
03:04India?
03:05You're from India?
03:06Let me talk to my Indian brother.
03:07What's your name?
03:08Ajit.
03:09Ajit.
03:10No, no, I can say it.
03:11Ajit.
03:12Yeah, that's great.
03:13And your lady is?
03:14Riti.
03:15Riti?
03:16Priti.
03:17Priti.
03:18Are you kidding me?
03:21They named you Priti?
03:22That's a lot of pressure.
03:24Can you imagine?
03:25They were just like,
03:26oh, we're gonna name her Priti.
03:29Let's see what happens.
03:32Like she turns two years old,
03:33they're like, oh, motherfucker,
03:34not so pretty.
03:35What the fuck did we do?
03:38We chose terrible name for there.
03:44What's your middle name?
03:45Maybe.
03:46Maybe.
03:49Priti?
03:50Maybe.
03:53I love that.
03:54Good for you.
03:55You're lucky you turned out very pretty.
03:58So great.
03:59Okay, that's wonderful, man.
04:00Thank you so much for coming.
04:02Like, how did you guys meet?
04:03Let me, if you did.
04:05I arranged marriage.
04:06You arranged marriage?
04:07I wanted to say it,
04:08but I didn't feel good.
04:09I just, I wanted you to say it.
04:11That's fascinating to me.
04:12That's fascinating to me.
04:15Arranged marriage.
04:17In love, Valentine's Day.
04:22Look, it works.
04:23Arranged marriage.
04:28So, so.
04:29Wow.
04:30Yeah.
04:31You came to America.
04:32You came to America.
04:33Your family came to America.
04:34They gave you birth in America,
04:36and you came in like,
04:37how about you?
04:38I am here.
04:39And, and they're like,
04:40okay, be quiet.
04:41This is your wife.
04:42You're like, wah.
04:43Wah.
04:44Like, wah.
04:45Fuck.
04:47Even though you were in America,
04:49you still followed through
04:51with the arranged marriage.
04:53Isn't that fascinating?
04:55I mean, this guy,
04:56he couldn't get anybody else anyway.
04:57So,
04:58he had no choice but to settle down.
05:00He's like, thank you.
05:01She was like, fuck,
05:02I cannot believe this bullshit.
05:04But, but look.
05:05Good for, I mean, listen.
05:06This, to me,
05:07this is fascinating.
05:10At what age did you know?
05:11When you turn it off,
05:12like 21 plus.
05:14Oh, so they didn't tell you.
05:16It was arranged from before,
05:18but they don't tell you.
05:19Surprise!
05:20Yeah.
05:21It's like that.
05:22One day,
05:23the next day we're gonna get
05:2423 years.
05:25I'm wrong now.
05:28Wow.
05:31That's amazing.
05:33But it's like a lottery.
05:35You won it.
05:36I did.
05:37Yeah.
05:38Lottery, you won.
05:39Aw, this is so sweet.
05:40What a Valentine's Day.
05:45First of all,
05:46thank you for being such romantic couples
05:48to choose laughter
05:50for day of love.
05:52Laughter is the most important
05:55element of life.
05:57Have more of it.
05:58And you know you have a good partner
06:00if you can laugh with him or her.
06:02If you cannot laugh with your partner,
06:04break up with them tonight.
06:05I'm helping you out.
06:08Sometimes Valentine's Day
06:09could be the other way around.
06:10Yeah.
06:11You gotta be able to laugh
06:13with the person you're with.
06:15Try to make your partner laugh.
06:17Be silly.
06:18Be goofy.
06:20My uncle,
06:21all these older Persian men,
06:23they all have advice.
06:24Honestly,
06:25I have this uncle.
06:26He's a grumpy ass uncle.
06:28I've never seen this uncle
06:29in a good mood.
06:30I've never even seen him smile.
06:32And he's always giving life advice.
06:33Like, you're a fucking miserable fuck.
06:35Why are you giving anybody else
06:36an advice?
06:37You know what I mean?
06:38In the middle of a wedding,
06:39he comes to me.
06:40Come here.
06:41Come here.
06:42Come here.
06:43I have advice for you.
06:44Uncle.
06:45Yes, uncle.
06:46What's happening?
06:47And it was this stuck with me.
06:48And they have a way.
06:49These Persian men have a way
06:50of saying this shit.
06:51He goes,
06:52Okay.
06:53What's the difference
06:55between complete and finish?
06:59I go, what?
07:00He goes,
07:01What's the difference
07:02between complete and finish?
07:04I said,
07:05I don't know.
07:06No.
07:07He goes,
07:08Of course you don't know.
07:09I tell you.
07:10You marry the right woman,
07:12you are complete.
07:15You marry the wrong woman,
07:16you are finished.
07:24He said,
07:25If the right woman ever finds you
07:26with the wrong woman,
07:28you are completely finished.
07:30So elegant,
07:31this lady with the pink.
07:35What's your name?
07:36Rishma.
07:37Rishma?
07:38Are you here by yourself?
07:39No.
07:40I'm here with my best friend.
07:41And that's your best friend?
07:42Yeah.
07:43What's your name, best friend?
07:44Linda.
07:45Linda?
07:46Where are you from?
07:47I was born here.
07:48I'm Mexican.
07:49Yeah,
07:50just be fucking Mexican.
07:53You're amongst a bunch of brown people
07:54and you're playing it cool for us.
07:56Just because you have a black friend,
07:58you don't want to be Mexican anymore.
08:01I was born here.
08:04You're Mexican.
08:07Everybody should be so proud
08:08of their nationality.
08:09That's how you should be.
08:11Yeah?
08:12Okay.
08:13So, are you single?
08:14Yes, I am.
08:15You're so beautiful.
08:17How could you be single?
08:19Where do you live?
08:20In Chino Hills.
08:21Chino Hills.
08:22Everyone's Mexican in Chino Hills.
08:24No?
08:25It's a big Latino community.
08:26No?
08:27What is Chino Hills?
08:29Asian.
08:30Mostly Asian.
08:31Is that why they call it Chino Hills?
08:37That's fucked up, no?
08:40Who the fuck is the mayor of Chino Hills?
08:44Well, we got a lot of Chinese here.
08:46We're gonna call it Chino Hills.
08:49What the fuck?
08:50That's fucked up.
08:51That's fucked up.
08:54Rishma, we're gonna find you a beautiful man tonight.
08:59Oh, she's so sweet.
09:00She clapped.
09:01She doesn't know what she's getting herself into.
09:05These three...
09:06These three are actually...
09:07No, you're too young.
09:08You said who?
09:09Me?
09:10I don't even know why I started speaking with you guys.
09:21Well, age is irrelevant in my world.
09:26I'm the right age.
09:30You know, I think I'm also...
09:31I think we're probably arranged marriage and we don't know it.
09:36When you said Rishma, I was like, that sounds familiar.
09:40I would love to come to Chino Hills.
09:43Have some orange chicken.
09:46And then open the fortune cookie.
09:47I am not in a relationship and this is the first Valentine's that I can think of that I'm single.
10:00And I woke up extremely happy.
10:06How many guys here buy flowers on a consistent basis for their lady?
10:13Anybody?
10:14Not one fucking asshole.
10:18This guy does?
10:20How often do you buy her flowers?
10:22Very often.
10:23Very often.
10:24Like maybe once every couple of weeks or something, yeah?
10:27What a nice husband you have.
10:28You make all of us look like shit.
10:32But there is a scientific fact.
10:36What I'm about to tell you is written in science books.
10:41Yeah?
10:42When a female brain sees a bouquet of flowers, their vocal cord hits a higher note.
10:54So like when they see it, they go,
10:55Oh my God!
10:56Oh my God!
10:58Oh my God!
11:00Oh my God!
11:01You're like, what the fuck just happened?
11:03If they're particularly Iranian, they turn into two-year-olds.
11:08Oh my God, baby, Chino.
11:10Yes, thank you, baby, Chino, baby.
11:13Oh my God!
11:16What the fuck?
11:19What the fuck just happened?
11:21You can't make sense out of this.
11:24I'm like, you're a grown ass woman.
11:27This is what happens.
11:28They love flowers.
11:29So, buy flowers.
11:31So, buy flowers.
11:32I'm telling you, that's the best thing you can do for your ladies.
11:35Buy flowers and buy it often.
11:37It buys a lot of headache.
11:39Right?
11:40Exactly.
11:41She said, exactly.
11:42Yeah?
11:43And then you can be an asshole.
11:48Hi, hi.
11:49You're also Chinese?
11:50No.
11:51What are you?
11:52Japanese.
11:53You said that very arrogantly, just to be honest.
11:55No, you said it like Japanese is better than Chinese.
11:59No, I'm telling you, I know you're friends, but deep down you think you're better than her.
12:06I'm trying to save your friendship.
12:07You need to change your attitude.
12:11Where are you from?
12:12Japanese.
12:15Japanese.
12:16Very amazing culture, you know?
12:18But I think everybody has something to offer.
12:20And this guy is your...
12:22What is he?
12:26You're dating.
12:27How long have you been dating?
12:29Oh, my God.
12:31These two are hilarious.
12:32They don't even know.
12:35Do we count from the time we swiped?
12:39Or after?
12:45You've known each other.
12:46Listen to this.
12:47This is very important.
12:48Balcony, pay attention.
12:49They've known each other for 10 years.
12:53But they've been dating for...
12:556 months.
12:566 months.
12:57After 10 years.
13:00She opened those Japanese chopsticks.
13:07After 10 years.
13:10Finally she goes...
13:12Ha-ha!
13:13And then as soon as he was like...
13:18Oh!
13:19She goes...
13:20Sayonara!
13:24Wow!
13:25What a patience.
13:27This man put into this relationship.
13:30You're really into her, huh?
13:31That's amazing.
13:33Or...
13:34Both of you for 10 years...
13:37Explored every other option.
13:40Fuck, we can't fight anybody.
13:41Let's just settle down to this.
13:46Either way...
13:48Happy Valentine's Day.