- 1 day ago
Tv, Allo Allo S8E06 - A Fistful of Francs
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00:00.
00:30you find me running the cafe on my own because all hell has broken loose here
00:41in new view I think upstairs in my bedroom are none other than Hitler and
00:56Goering themselves having escaped from the clutches of the communist resistance they
01:02came here to seek shelter actually it is not the real Hitler and Goering but
01:07lieutenant Gruber and the colonel in disguise but the communists do not know
01:11this and are still searching for them I shudder every time that doorbell pings
01:17this old business is very bad for the nerves but good for the waistline
01:28yes what I must speak to you at once what is it Edith is the coast clear for the
01:35colonel and lieutenant Gruber to come downstairs are you mad I cannot have Hitler and Goering
01:40walking through my cafe in front of all these customers they are changing out of
01:43their uniforms I will find some more clues for them so they can disguise
01:48themselves and leave without being recognized well best be quick about it
01:51Edith if the communists come back in here and find that we have been helping
01:54Germans we will all need the last rights the communists are outside send for a
02:01priest they are searching the square with their sniffer dogs and they are
02:06sniffing this way oh my god I am doomed we must get the colonel lieutenant Gruber into
02:11their disguises as soon as possible come upstairs nerve me meanies I will
02:16contain the communists down here if they come in oh Rene how brave you are
02:23I was only going to offer them free drinks
02:29calm yourself Yvette you are getting bigger because you eat too much the colonel and
02:42lieutenant will be smuggled away before the communists even set foot in my cafe
02:45oh Rene I am just removing crumbs from my moustache comforting this child who is who is like a daughter
03:04to me are you not Yvette oh every time I look at him the word daddy springs to mind
03:10she's under a great strain because she's with child and the father is unknown what
03:18kind of a man would abandon a girl like this he deserves to be hunted down and torn apart limb
03:24from limb well perhaps a stern ticking off at least leave us now Rene and I have business
03:30to discuss in private my name once again our sniffer dogs out on the trail of Italy have led us to the back of your
03:43cafe are you certain you have not seen them I am sure I would have remembered no matter our search has
03:51narrowed it down to the square it's only a matter of time before our dogs will sniff them out and we can
03:56shoot them how ruthless you are Louise oh hold me Rene when we have recaptured Hitler and Goering and ended
04:03the war we shall have a white wedding well I shall certainly be very pale on that day kiss me hold me
04:11drive me mad that will not be a long journey what are you doing holding that girl in your arms I will not
04:23stand for it you stupid woman can you not see you with ease oh it is you Louise can I offer you some tea
04:34busy hunting down Hitler and Goering to exchange bourgeois chitchat goodbye Rene I will return soon I hunger for you
04:45what is it about me that all these women find so irresistible could it be the underarm deodorant I bought
05:00you last Christmas I never used it perhaps therein lies a clue
05:04we have given the colonel and left any grew by some old clothes well they hope they're good disguises
05:17there could be spies of the communist resistance in here oh do not worry Rene they will suspect not a thing
05:22oh my god whose clothes did you use mama's they were all we could find quickly ladies come and sit down please
05:43we're not staying Rene the communist resistance are in the square looking for Hitler and Goering
05:48well they will not recognize us in these clothes no but they are vicious sniffer dogs which have your
05:53scent you step out there and the dogs will run to you the communist will shoot first and ask questions
05:58later now sit down what are we going to do Rene you will have to stay here until the communists go
06:05away try not to draw attention to yourselves dressed like this it may not be easy you can't stay here all
06:14the evening there must be a way to get out there are two German soldiers at that table over there
06:20colonel they could give us an armed escort back to our quarters the communists would not dare to
06:26attack us then good idea Gruber try to attract attention hello soldier very ugly girl over there is
06:37trying to pick me up Leopold I have heard things about him it looks as if they are all true doesn't seem to be
06:51working coronel I will go and speak trip don't look his horrible friend is coming over I need you to
07:06urgently don't push your luck apart from which you have rotten ankles I am colonel von strong
07:14garrison commander name written number I'm sorry colonel I didn't recognize you in a dress please
07:22everybody's looking it is all right Rene we are getting an armed escort you will come with us to our
07:28quarters yes my colonel you will make sure that everything is safe come along Gruber bring the uniforms
07:37we are very grateful for your help Rene we will not forget this evening I do not think anyone will
07:50will they be all right Rene oh the colonel is walking very slowly it is not easy in high heels he did
08:03the colonel Gruber seems to be managing all right he would
08:12Rene what do you think of my new summer dress so that is what happened to the curtains in the spare room
08:22there is a war on we have to make use of whatever we can lay our arms on I'm here madame and I am
08:32ready monsieur ready and willing I hope I have my small horse with the small earth containing the radio
08:40transmitter outside I wish you would stop creeping around the place like that listen very carefully I
09:10shall say this only once the time is now right to arrange a rendezvous with lieutenant Gruber to
09:16collect the 10 million francs ransom why are you telling me this you are close to the lieutenant you
09:22will go to him and give him our instructions now take this sec what is inside it it is a freshly
09:30caught 32 pound dogfish see Michelle I know I am going to regret asking this question but what does a
09:39freshly caught 32 pound dogfish got to do with it oh it is all part of my plan which involves the dogfish
09:45an underwater diver a fishing rod and a four-foot eel thank goodness for a moment I thought it was going
09:52to be complicated
09:56René Artois peasant
10:02send the room do come in good morning colonel lieutenant private what can we do for you it is about the incriminating photograph of you lieutenant holding the painting of the fallen madonna ah the coronel and helga know all about that you may speak freely in front of them
10:08ah very well some people from the resistance who I do not know I've asked me to tell you that if they do not receive the 10 million francs ransom for the incriminating photograph of the lieutenant by two o'clock this afternoon they will post the photograph to general von klinkerofen
10:23René these people you do not know did they say how the money was to be exchanged was a photograph yes lieutenant
10:33o'clock this afternoon they will post the photograph to General von Klinkeroffen.
10:38René, these people you do not know, did they say how the money was to be
10:44exchanged was a photograph? yes lieutenant, you are to stuff the ten
10:54million francs inside this freshly caught 32 pound dogfish and dangle it in the
10:59river at the place that I will show you an underwater resistance diver will swap
11:05it for a four-foot eel containing the incriminating photograph that seems
11:11straightforward enough what do you think colonel stuff the fish I agree it's a
11:19rotten idea no I mean put this 10 million francs inside the fish one of his big
11:27eyes is staring at me you are popular lieutenant do I have to it's an order
11:35gruber stuff it
11:41has bitten my finger fresher than I thought down boy down
11:49oh monsieur Alphonse should we not be getting back to your little airs we still
11:54have a lot of propaganda to broadcast oh we must not broadcast too much or the
11:59Germans will track us down
12:02madam it is if only you knew what happiness gives me to be sitting here with
12:08you on this fine summer's day you have chosen the perfect spot the sun the breeze
12:15and see how still the waters of the river are just a few ripples see them
12:24indeed perhaps later I will open my flies and get out my tackle it may be old but it is in perfect working order
12:39oh one is rising no oh monsieur Alphonse please it was a trout I used to be an
12:50excellent fisherman I have my rod in my box of flies on the earth's just in case
12:54oh that is a relief good morning oh what a surprise to see you on the bunk
13:04what a lovely do for it monsieur we are having a picnic a pocknox splendid perhaps I could have a
13:15nobble hmm smoked simon and what is the ween a 1938 Chateauneuf to pip really are
13:28trooting yourselves to a slip-up mole sir when a Frenchman takes a beautiful woman
13:34out for a picnic he wants to be alone with her are you trying to tell me something
13:40I am telling you to get knotted no nude to bequeat so read about it I can take a
13:49haunt I mean when I am nitwinted good do to you both
13:53at last we are alone oh madam it is how beautiful you are just to be here with you makes my dick ticker
14:17something like a drum almost you have once I hope you are not going to take
14:22advantage of me hmm I am a true French gentleman I have nothing but the greatest
14:29respect for your honor is anyone looking no
14:35oh
14:37I'm ready Colonel I think the dogfish has recovered it is pulling hard on the line don't let it escape
14:55oh dear the dogfish has bitten through the line stop it come back
15:07you just run away Colonel you mean we have lost 10 million
15:12francs and not even got the photograph in exchange you idiots I blame you for this
15:19oh Colonel do not do anything hasty Rene what can we do there is only one thing left in it run for it
15:30do you do much fishing mr. Alphonse oh whenever I can there is nothing I like better than to be on a
15:41riverbank on a fine summer's day dangling my rod in the water I fished all over I've caught salmon in
15:49Scotland tuna in Portugal and once even a salt fish off the coast of Sicily you are such a man of the world
15:58mm-hmm I've been around and met many people in my life as an undertaker unfortunately most of them
16:07were dead tell me some more to impress me I've got a big one
16:16oh my goodness yes it is a champion dogfish look at the size of it oh it must work at least 32 pounds well done
16:40mr. Alphonse we must sell it to the fishmonger it could be worth a lot of money hey come on we must
16:46pack up the picnic things immediately oh but miss your fonts we are having such a good time oh do not
16:53tell me tell me you are more interested in fish than in me oh madame Edith don't be silly if it came to a choice between
17:02you and a dogfish worth maybe two thousand francs well of course there is no competition oh you flatterer the dogfish wins every time
17:18what are Helga and I having for dinner I was lucky I found a freshly caught champion dogfish for sale at the fishmongers it will be delicious oh
17:30why are you putting tulips in visit dogfish I am cooking it in a Hollandaise sauce
17:37Hollandaise sauce is made with egg yolk and butter not tulips but the recipe just said Hollandaise sauce it did not say how to make
17:45it you are a nincompoop von Smallhausen good evening Herr Flick I hope I'm not too early for dinner not at all sit you will serve up the fish von Smallhausen yes
18:06oh are we having fish yummy that is not very elegantly served well we do not have a plate big enough Herr Flick we are doing our best as you can see madame
18:20monsieur
18:23what an interesting looking sauce it is Hollandaise an unusual recipe known only to von Smallhausen
18:33and the inmates of the Amsterdam Nuthouse
18:40I feel like are you alright? there appears to be some paper inside my dogfish
18:47it looks like a thousand franc moots the fish is stuffed with them
18:52oh my god it can't be
18:55do you know something about this Helga?
18:57this afternoon the colonel and lieutenant Gruber paid over a blackmail demand of ten million francs to the resistance
19:04it was concealed inside a large dogfish which swam away down the river with the money still inside it
19:11by some remarkable coincidence it has ended up on your table
19:15already a plan is forming in my brain
19:18we have the money belonging to the colonel
19:21he has the painting of the fallen Madonna
19:24which is worth much more than the ten million francs he needs for the blackmailers
19:28we will offer to trade the two and end up quid thin
19:32oh that is a masterly plan Herr Flick
19:35of course we will put it into operation tomorrow
19:38in the meantime let us enjoy our fish
19:45what's the matter Herr Flick? you're not choking on more money
19:51no
19:53I nearly choked on a tulip
19:56I could have given you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
19:59oh I am choking
20:01I'm choking
20:02I'm choking
20:03I have announced that Hitler and Goering will be leaving the town tonight
20:12the communist resistance will get to hear of it and make another attempt to capture them
20:16we do not have to dress up as Hitler and Goering again do we General?
20:20I still have not recovered from our last experience
20:23we will use a couple of expendable peasants who fit the uniforms
20:28where will you find them General?
20:30in the cafe in the square
20:32we will put them in a car filled with explosives
20:35and follow at some distance behind in your little tank Gruber
20:38then the communists surround the car
20:40we will detonate the explosives and wipe them all out
20:44come let us get the uniforms and go to the cafe at once
20:47I'm not at all keen on this idea Gruber
20:50the peasants are going to be even less keen
20:52at the double
20:55left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left
21:04sweet little maids from school only
21:06the world can be
21:08filled to the brim with curly squeeze
21:11sweet little maids
21:12silence
21:13from school
21:14unbelievable
21:18all you peasants line up across the cafe
21:21jump to it
21:22jump to it
21:25I do not take orders from Germans
21:28especially fat balding ones with picky eyes
21:34who said that?
21:35she did
21:37I am very sorry General it is my old mother-in-law
21:40she is a little bit gaga
21:42come along you silly old bat line up
21:45you are going to get us all shocked
21:47come on Fanny
21:48now
21:49we are looking for two peasants
21:51to dress as Hitler and Goering
21:53and act as decoys to help us defeat the communist resistance
21:57any volunteers?
21:58that doesn't surprise me
22:01colonel Gruber hold the uniforms up to the peasants
22:04whoever most closely fits the uniform acts as the decoys
22:07I would not be seen dead in a German uniform
22:13I spit on you all
22:15control yourself
22:18silence in the line
22:21well Gruber
22:22I am afraid no one appears to match the Goering uniform General
22:26what a pity we will have to abandon the whole plan
22:30what about that fellow there?
22:32what me?
22:33oh no
22:34he looks nothing like Field Marshal Goering
22:36nonsense
22:38he is just the right shape
22:39but he has a moustache
22:41well it will be dark
22:42the communist will not notice a small detail like that at such a distance
22:45step forward peasant
22:51you will be Goering
22:53what about the Hitler uniform Colonel?
22:55there is no obvious candidate General
22:57let me see
23:03hmm
23:04you are right
23:05the men are no good
23:13what about this one?
23:16it's a woman General
23:17I can see that
23:19she has the right height and build
23:23hmm
23:24excellent
23:25she will do nicely
23:26now we need a peasant to act as driver
23:28all non-driving peasants step backwards
23:31what did he say?
23:32he said
23:34he said you are the driver
23:35I must protest most
23:38standards!
23:39one more bird
23:40they'll have you shot
23:41now take them into another room and get them into the uniforms
23:47we must help save them Mimi
23:48we must stop the communists attacking the car
23:50we will find Michelle
23:51she will know what to do
23:52I am dreadfully sorry Rene
23:54this whole business distresses me greatly
23:56I am not over the moon about it myself Lieutenant
24:00who is freeing stones at my wando in the middle of the knit?
24:02officer Crabtree it is us
24:13do you know where we can find Michelle?
24:15it is urgent
24:16I am here
24:18officer Crabtree and I were just discussing some very important resistance business
24:23the Germans are dressing up Madame Edith and Rene as Hitler and Goering to act as decoys
24:28the communists will attack them and perhaps they will be killed
24:32we must find the communists and stop them
24:34I know where you can find them
24:36we will pit on some clues and be rot doomed
24:39there is no team to lease
24:41not so fast Monsieur Leclerc
24:48it is against the law
24:50we could be shot to pieces at any moment by the communist resistance
24:54all you can worry about is the speed limit
25:04what do you want?
25:05we asked Siri to disturb you at this tome of knit
25:08we have come to warn you not to attack Hitler and Goering when they leave the town tonight
25:11they are not the real Lorraine Goering but Rene and Madame Edith
25:15they have been forced to dress up by the Shermans to lay a trap to catch you
25:19we are attacking no one tonight
25:21we are in the middle of an important committee meeting
25:24what is it?
25:25oh it is nothing I have dealt with it
25:26come back inside then
25:27we have reached item 6 on the agenda
25:29if only our committee meetings were like that
25:34I am ready to detonate the explosives
25:38as soon as the communist attacks the car
25:40isn't this fun?
25:42yes General
25:44just my idea of a night out
25:46any sign of the resistance yet Boomer?
25:49no General
25:50the car is nearly at the bridge over the river
25:52but no one has attacked it yet
25:54the car is crossing the bridge
25:58it is out of your jurisdiction now General
26:02the other side of the river is General Runcar's approach territory
26:07the communists must have got wind of your plan and stayed away
26:11damn
26:12I was quite looking forward to blowing the waters with the reeds
26:17you forgot to put the petrol in
26:23oh dear
26:26the communist resistance have not attacked Rennie
26:30surely the gods must be smiling on us tonight
26:33there are German soldiers on the road ahead
26:37thank God
26:38there must be some of the General's men
26:41come to get us out of these wretched uniforms
26:43this will be the Fuhrer now
26:44stop the car
26:45stop the car
26:54General Von Castle brought officer commanding the Aberville Garrison
26:57we heard that you were leaving for Berlin tonight
26:59however we
27:00a group of generals have decided it is better if you do not get there
27:04you have made a complete mess of this war
27:06and now you have to pay the price
27:08take the Fuhrer into the field
27:10and shoot him
27:12Rennie!
27:13say something
27:14save me
27:15you cannot do this
27:17that is my wife
27:18he is married to Gorg
27:22we are not shooting them a moment too soon
27:24take him into the field and shoot him
27:26Rennie!
27:27Rennie!
27:28Rennie!
27:29Rennie!
27:30Rennie!
27:31Rennie!
27:32Rennie!
27:33Rennie!
27:34Rennie!
27:35Rennie!
27:36Rennie!
27:37Rennie!
27:38Rennie!
27:39Rennie!
27:40Rennie!
27:41Rennie!
27:42Rennie!
27:43Rennie!
27:44Rennie!
27:45Rennie!
27:46Rennie!
27:47Rennie!
27:48Rennie!
27:49Rennie!
27:50Rennie!
27:51Rennie!
27:52Rennie!
27:53Rennie!
27:54Rennie!
27:55Rennie!
27:56Rennie!
27:57Rennie!
27:58Rennie!
27:59Rennie!
28:00Rennie!
28:01Rennie!
28:02Rennie!
28:03Rennie!
28:04Rennie!
28:05Rennie!
28:06Rennie!
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