- 5 weeks ago
Tv, Allo Allo S4E05 - The Sausage in the Trousers
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00:00The End
00:02The End
00:04The End
00:06The End
00:08The End
00:10The End
00:12The End
00:14The End
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00:18The End
00:20The End
00:22The End
00:24At 10 o'clock in the morning, it is not usual to find me in bed.
00:28But I am suffering from nervous exhaustion.
00:32In the last 24 hours, I have been caught in the arms of my mistress Yvette by Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, the man who wishes to marry my wife, who in turn wishes to marry me, due to the fact that everyone thinks that I am dead and now crossing my own twin brother and living with her in sin.
00:48And as if that was not enough, my wife is also being courted by a randy Italian captain.
00:54My new waitress, Mimi LaBanc, is after my body.
00:58And you may recall that I spent most of yesterday afternoon chasing a flying nun.
01:04With a radio on her back suspended from an oversized kite.
01:08Is it any wonder that I am suffering from nervous exhaustion?
01:12Winnie, Winnie, let me in.
01:16That is Mimi, the one I told you about.
01:18I dare not let my wife catch her in my arms. That is why I have locked the door.
01:22Please, Winnie, let me in.
01:25Go away. Think of my wife.
01:27She is in the kitchen.
01:29There is a key under the mat.
01:31Winnie!
01:35Winnie, why are you trying to avoid me?
01:46I just thought we might work up to this point.
01:50You know, a romantic stroll down Lover's Lane, a furtive glance in church, a quick peek at you having a bath through the keel.
01:59Winnie, now that we are together, let me do something to make you feel warm and wonderful.
02:15Well, you can fill my hot water, Doctor.
02:24Winnie, I have for you your breakfast.
02:27Quick, it is the wife. Hide, the bed.
02:31No, I meant under it, not in it.
02:33Winnie!
02:34Oh, my God, too late.
02:38Oh, Winnie, my poor husband.
02:41How is the ache in your head?
02:43Oh, a little better, my dear.
02:45The peace and quiet are doing me good.
02:51Especially the peace.
02:52You are still very jumpy.
02:55Yes, sir.
02:56Shall I get him beside you and rub your neck?
02:58No!
02:59No, no, no.
03:00Oh, that running and chasing yesterday.
03:03You must still be very stiff.
03:09No more than you would expect.
03:12There, I have brought for you a soft boiled egg with soldiers, toast, honey and a pot of coffee.
03:19You are a treasure, Edith.
03:20Is there anything eggs?
03:21Could you bring another cup?
03:22Good morning, Monsieur Alphonse.
03:23Come to see, Madame Edith.
03:24She is upstairs giving to her husband the breakfast.
03:25That bounder.
03:26That rotter.
03:27That cad.
03:28That unprincipled innkeeper.
03:29That unprincipled innkeeper.
03:30Monsieur Alphonse, please remember I am his mistress.
03:35My apologies, mademoiselle, with my dicky heart.
03:36I should not get in such a tisoise.
03:37I am so consumed by jealousy that I am forgetting that we Frenchmen have this great tradition of
03:42having it off like rabbits.
03:43Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
03:44With my Frenchmen have this great tradition of having it off like rabbits.
03:49Oh, Monsieur Alphonse!
03:54Dear, beautiful wonderful.
03:59Your wife is made in such a tisoise.
04:02I am so consumed by jealousy that I am forgetting that we Frenchmen have this great tradition of having it off like rabbits.
04:08Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
04:09dear beautiful madam I have an urgent message for you from the resistance no
04:17from me come into the back room I love you I love you at last we are alone
04:39now Monsieur Alphonse what is your message I'm a very busy woman dear lady it is many
04:47weeks now that I have loved you from afar I think of you then night even when I am
04:54embalming it is your face that haunts me haunts me through the fluid I cannot contain my passion
05:03any longer I must kiss those tempting sensuous lips oh Mr. Alphonse you are very naughty but
05:11since you put it so nicely you may have one little peck oh madam
05:16it just my lips do this I must withhold from him the rest of me
05:40you have cleaned the bathroom well Mimi now go about your business in the cafe
05:48are we alone
05:55well apart from four customers two of my staff and one of yours yes
06:01gather round
06:02listen very carefully she will say this only once
06:07I am NOT going to say anything I'm going to ask a question where is the radio back in the bedroom of my wife's mother
06:14for what good it is we lost the batteries crossing the river trying to catch this flying nonny the dynamo on this bicycle
06:22will provide a temporary source of power but will not the Germans be suspicious if they search and find a bicycle in the bedroom of my mother-in-law
06:29oh you will say it is a keep fit machine is it not a bit late she is 86
06:37it will not be for long already we have stolen more batteries from a German midget submarine
06:43they will be delivered to you by one of our agents
06:47disguised as a torpedo I suppose
06:51he will make himself known to you by a secret sign
06:54what will this sign be
06:56he will put his finger in his ear and he will wiggle his nose like this
07:03I will watch out for such a man
07:05I have more good news
07:07the explosives have arrived
07:09oh good
07:10they will be kept in your cellar
07:11they will be delivered by another of our agents
07:14the sticks of dynamite will be concealed in special compartments in his trousers
07:22how will I know this man
07:24he will be walking very gingerly
07:26look out here comes the German lieutenant
07:30act normally I will disappear like a phantom down the back passage
07:34yes
07:36ah René
07:37ah
07:38eh
07:39good morning lieutenant
07:40ah
07:41you look very smart
07:42thank you
07:43you will notice that I am walking rather gingerly
07:50do not tell me that you have dynamite in your trousers
07:55René
08:00do not listen to gossip
08:03no no I have been exercising one of the general's horses
08:10a magnificent black stallion
08:13there's nothing like the sight of a handsome beast with nostrils flaring
08:18foam flying from the mouth clattering over the cobbles scattering the peasants
08:23I expect the horse enjoyed it as well
08:28have a seat lieutenant
08:30oh René
08:31yes
08:32you are up and about
08:33are you still very frail my dear
08:35monsieur Alphonse has just had a very funny turn in the back room
08:38I think we should give him a cognac
08:40it is my dicky ticker you understand
08:43here you are monsieur Alphonse
08:47oh heck
08:48air flick
08:49the gestapo
08:50good morning air flick a cognac
08:55it is I
08:56Helga
08:57I have very serious news which could affect each one of us
09:01Helga what are you doing in air flick's clothes
09:03I'm wearing his clothes because he has taken mine
09:08see
09:09her flick has disguised himself as a temporary lady stenographer of the female sex
09:28he has secreted a listening device in a daffodil in a vase of flowers on the desk of colonel von Strohm
09:34apart from the satisfaction he obtains from wearing girls clothes why would he do that
09:40he suspects general von Klinkerhofen and the colonel of being involved in a plot to blow up Hitler
09:45thus the aided scourge of Europe who dies the painful death for which the free world has been praying
09:52Mimi
09:54manners
09:56look Helga I have no wish to know about any of this
09:59but do you not see if it is true and the colonel is tortured we will all be implicated
10:06because he may reveal that lieutenant Gruber is painting a forgery of the former Madonna with the big boobies
10:11and the van Gogh with the big daisies
10:14how lucky he did not paint the fan dancer
10:18general von Klinkerhofen has an appointment to see the colonel at this very hour
10:27I must warn him at once
10:29wait outside the doors
10:40announce me
10:43yes general
10:45you are new here are you not
10:46my name is Irma von Klinkerhofen
10:48I am only temporary
10:50wait
10:51the top button of your jacket is undone
10:53attend to it
10:54yes general
10:55stop it
11:00the seam of your right stocking is crooked
11:04see to it
11:05you have good legs
11:10pity about the limp
11:12general von Klinkerhofen
11:18ah good morning general nice to see you
11:22Heil Hitler
11:23oh yes
11:24Heil Hitler
11:25I've been busily engaged acquiring novelties for the party to celebrate Hitler's birthday
11:31unfortunately the furor will not be with us
11:33but we will have suitable celebrations with some of my generals and the senior officers
11:37it will be most jolly
11:39von Smallhausen
11:40can you hear me
11:41yes sir Flick
11:42I am watching two ladybirds engaged in a most unused dual activity
11:47pay attention
11:49the general is talking to the colonel
11:51put on your earphones and activate the secret microphone on the colonel's desk
11:56at once sir Flick
11:57here is the seating plan for Hitler's birthday party
12:06ah the seating plan good
12:08I thought we could place the furor on a chair at the head of the table like this
12:16a nice touch I approve
12:18there is to be a party
12:20Hitler will be placed at the head of the table
12:23I am writing this down keep listening
12:26and here is the menu for your approval
12:28I will approve this document personally
12:31after coffee
12:33we will put on something like this
12:35and what do you think of this
12:41quite amusing
12:48it changes your appearance completely
12:51they will be wearing disguise
12:54disguise
12:55keep listening
12:56I have found a supplier
12:58who can let me have two cases of these
13:00two cases that is a lot
13:02who is going to do the blowing up
13:04not me
13:05not at my age
13:06no we need a younger man
13:08ever get Gruber to do it
13:09the general intends to make her Gruber do the blowing up of Hitler
13:13not a pity Hitler will not be here to enjoy it
13:16not a pity Hitler will not be here to enjoy it
13:20ah that will be Gruber now
13:22ah that will be Gruber now
13:23you have barged into this office without knocking and you have put a riding glove over a daffodil
13:30what is your explanation for this conduct
13:32what
13:45the daffodil contains a microphone
13:51planted by the Gestapo to eavesdrop on your conversation
13:54this is outrageous
13:55who is responsible
13:57oh
13:58Herr Flick
13:59he is even now in your outer office
14:00disguised as a female secretary of the opposite sex
14:05guards in here
14:06general
14:07what are you doing
14:08I am going to place him in custody
14:10but
14:11general you cannot arrest Herr Flick of the Gestapo
14:13true
14:14but I can arrest the female secretary of the opposite sex
14:19arrest that woman out there and take her to the dungeons of my shuttle
14:22yes Herr General
14:24that should keep the Gestapo out of our hair for a while
14:27that should keep the Gestapo out of our hair for a while
14:31it is
14:37what is your problem Mama
14:40oh Edith
14:41last night
14:42I prayed
14:43that I would once again see my sister in Avignon
14:48I awoke to find God had sent me a bicycle
14:53the bicycle is for the wireless Mama
14:59quick
15:00leave the bed
15:01one, two, three
15:02out
15:05take the front of it
15:07now
15:08London will be through at any moment
15:09the bicycle is connected to the radio
15:15we need twelve volts
15:16faster, faster
15:17faster
15:19faster
15:20I feel like a mad hamster
15:24faster, faster
15:25faster, faster
15:27faster, faster
15:29faster, faster
15:30faster, faster
15:31stop it, faster
15:32oh, he's much as potty power to see
15:33faster, faster
15:34faster, faster
15:35stop the power
15:36ohhh
15:37the flashing
15:38oh
15:39click the radio
15:40Quick, the radio.
15:42Oh, your breasts are very hot.
15:45Your shorts are very thin.
15:48Hello, Natog. Hello, Natog.
15:51Pass your message. Over.
15:53Louise cannot read her school books without her glasses.
15:57Louise cannot read her school books without her glasses.
16:00Look, am I busting my lungs here
16:03so that the RAF can drop a pair of spectacles
16:05to some stupid schoolgirl?
16:07Why, why, why can she not go to the opticians?
16:13It is cold.
16:14We need spy cameras to photograph the plans of the invasion
16:17that are in the safe that we are going to blow up.
16:20Hello, Natog. We will look up the cordage.
16:23It may take a few minutes.
16:25I cannot wait. There is about to be a power cut.
16:28We need spy cameras.
16:31They will be delivered.
16:33Do you have the British Airmen?
16:35The British Airmen. One moment.
16:37Oh, my God.
16:39I am knackered.
16:41Hello.
16:42Yeah.
16:44London.
16:45Oh, it's all a good show.
16:48Hello, London. We are here.
16:51Wing Commander Belbridge here.
16:53Sorry you've had no mail.
16:55We've got a couple of letters here.
16:57There's one for Fairfax. I'll meet it.
17:00Oh, all right, then.
17:01It's from Daphne.
17:02Yeah.
17:03Dear Couples.
17:06This is a very difficult letter to write, but here goes.
17:10Randy Hawes and I went on a golfing holiday to St Andrews in Scotland.
17:15Oh, this is ridiculous.
17:17I will have to have a rest.
17:19Keep going.
17:20Turn.
17:21Peddle.
17:22I think they are losing the message.
17:24Keep peddling.
17:25All right.
17:26And so, to cut a long story short, I found myself in the club.
17:33Yours faithfully, Daphne.
17:37What do you make of that, Fairfax?
17:39Lucky girls.
17:41And Andrews is a jolly hard club to get into.
17:51You have a visitor, Fraulein Kinkenrock.
17:54This way.
17:58You have three minutes.
18:01Herr Flick, it is I, von Smallhausen.
18:05How did you get in here?
18:07I told the guard it was flag day.
18:09You look ridiculous.
18:11I have opened your secret drawer, and I have brought for you your suicide pin.
18:17I'll crush it between your teeth, and nobody will know what a fool you've made of yourself.
18:22You are very, very stupid, von Smallhausen.
18:25I, on the other hand, am not chained up in a dungeon.
18:30You will get a message to my godfather, Heinrich Himmler, in Berlin, and you will explain my predicament.
18:35Yes, sir, Flick. What is his address?
18:37Himmler, Berlin.
18:39He is very famous.
18:41In the meantime, you will think of a way to get me out of here.
18:45What are you doing?
18:46I told the guard I was injecting you against bubonic plague.
18:50It's just a sugar solution.
18:54Pretend to give it to me and go.
18:55Yes, sir, Flick.
18:56Aaaaaah!
18:57Herman, how long do you suppose the general can keep Herflick incarcerated in his dungeon?
19:05Helge, it's the general's responsibility.
19:07We've already been orders.
19:09René, good evening, Lieutenant.
19:12Come and sit down.
19:14I have good news.
19:18What is it, Hubert?
19:19We could do with some good news.
19:20I have completed the forgeries of the paintings.
19:24Well, where are they?
19:26Here.
19:27Why in heaven's name did you put them in sausages?
19:31Nobody told me they did not want them in sausages.
19:33What was I supposed to put them in?
19:35Oh, never mind.
19:36Here's the original we're going to sell after the war.
19:38Oh, this is the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp, and this and this are forgeries.
19:46This is the cracked vase with the big daisies by Van Gogh, and those two are forgeries.
19:51Now, you will remember, Colonel, that I am to have the original Van Gogh, and the two forgeries are to go to the general.
19:57One for Hitler, and one for the general, which the general thinks is the original.
20:01Correct.
20:02I think.
20:03Pardon me for asking, Lieutenant, but how will we know which sausage contains which painting?
20:09They all have secret markings, which are known only to me.
20:14This will ensure that I am not diddled out of my piece of the action.
20:19Oh, welcome, Captain Botterelli.
20:22Hi, the...
20:23Colnello, my beautiful friend.
20:30And then, muah!
20:32He, he, he, he!
20:33Muah!
20:35Ah, Helga!
20:38Muah!
20:40Look what my mama send for us from Italy.
20:43What?
20:44The black of the market salami.
20:47Take the sniff.
20:50These beautiful, no?
20:52They are present for the beautiful lady, Signora Edis.
20:57First she get the flowers.
21:00Then she get the sausages.
21:02Then she get the me.
21:05Oh, thank you, Captain Alberto.
21:09You are most gallant.
21:13Now I go to the barber for the cut the hair,
21:16so I look for the ladies, the beez-a-neez-a.
21:21See ya.
21:24Oh, no, no, look.
21:26Oh, we have mixed them all up.
21:27Now we do not know which is which.
21:29Then we can't sort them out here.
21:31Too many people about.
21:33Take them away and hide them, really.
21:34Oh, I don't...
21:35Lovely sausages!
21:41Lovely sausages!
21:42Oh, we'll buy a sausage from a poor old wandering sausage seller.
21:50Get lost.
21:51It is I, Leclerc.
21:57Go away.
21:59We are over-sausaged.
22:00I have for you the batteries from the submarine.
22:09Huh?
22:10Huh?
22:10Well, you will notice
22:12that each one has got a terminal, electric terminal at this end and this end.
22:21And we'll take it.
22:22Who's moaning.
22:34I am wicking in a ginger fashion because my pelusman's pints are full of dinamote.
22:41The dinamote is inside the sisages.
23:04Thank you, officer.
23:06You could not have come at a better time.
23:09Forget about your business.
23:12General Von Klinkerhofen is getting out of his car.
23:14General Von Klinkerhofen!
23:16But hide them!
23:16Hide them!
23:17Where am I supposed to hide them?
23:18He comes in!
23:19He's coming!
23:20Oh, my God.
23:20What?
23:21What?
23:21What?
23:21Ah!
23:41General Von Klinkerhofen!
23:46Heil Hitler!
23:46Heil Hitler!
23:47Heil Hitler!
23:47batteries have been stolen from a miniature submarine whoever has those batteries in their
23:55possession will be shot you will come with me and we will conduct an immediate search of the
23:59town do you understand yes General follow me Rene which one of them has the batteries down his trousers
24:29so
24:35so
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