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Tv, Allo Allo S8E02 - A Woman Never Lies
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00:00You may wonder what I am doing driving along in a van dressed as a female flamenco dancer
00:29with boot polish all over my face.
00:32There is, of course, a perfectly simple explanation for this.
00:35The resistance have decided to set up a secret radio station to undermine the Germans
00:40using wax cylinders to pre-record the programmes.
00:45The wax cylinders were dropped by parachute by the British
00:48but unfortunately landed down the chimney of the chateau.
00:52We had to take the place of a touring Spanish flamenco troupe
00:57who were due to perform at the chateau
00:59to get in and to recover the cylinders.
01:03Excuse me a moment.
01:08I have here one of the cylinders.
01:16Where else could I hide it?
01:18Well done, Narné.
01:19The Germans did not suspect for a moment we were not real flamenco dancers.
01:24Do you have the wax cylinders?
01:25Yes, here it is.
01:27I had it down my cleavage.
01:29It is still warm.
01:30Where is this other cylinder?
01:32Mimi has it down the front of her dress.
01:34Mimi?
01:35Yes, René?
01:36Give Michel your cylinder before it melts.
01:41It is lucky it did not catch fire.
01:43Oh, what a night.
01:47Did we not perform well, monsieur?
01:48You are a regular troupe, madame Edith.
01:51I shall never forget the way you sang and danced.
01:53I do not think the Germans rely, though.
01:56In the chateau, Lieutenant Gruber gave me this photograph
01:59and a small piece of canvas.
02:01I think under the misapprehension that I was the real one, GarcĂa.
02:05What do you think?
02:06It is Lieutenant Gruber holding the portrait of the fallen Madonna
02:10with the big boobies by Van Clampoort.
02:11No.
02:12Yes, but that has been missing for two years.
02:15What is Lieutenant Gruber doing with it?
02:17Oh, it cannot be the same painting.
02:19But it is, René.
02:20Here, avélu.
02:21Monsieur, watch out for the middleman!
02:22Oh!
02:26Oh, thank God, René.
02:28We missed you.
02:30Oh, I do not think the Lampo's had the same luck.
02:35Good morning, Colonel.
02:37Good morning, Hilger.
02:38Did you enjoy the flamenco evening?
02:40Personally, I thought the singing was appalling,
02:43and that was the dancing.
02:45I thought some of the Spanish were rather pretty.
02:49Although with the veils, what could only see their eyes.
02:52Fortunately, I was able to give the photograph of the painting to Juan Garcia,
02:58and he will take it to the art expert in Seville to value it.
03:01That is when you'll have to give us back the boobie you cut out of the painting, Hilger.
03:05You cannot sell it with a hole in such a prominent place.
03:11You could get your hand on my boobie.
03:13Then I am sure of getting a cut out of the clothes.
03:15And not before.
03:17Hilger, I wish you would not meddle.
03:19You should leave things like this to the men.
03:22What the devil is this?
03:27I am Juan.
03:29Juan what?
03:31Juan Garcia, the most famous flamenco guitarist in all of Spain.
03:36I have come for the photograph to take to Seville.
03:39But I gave it to you last night at the Chateau.
03:42I was not there.
03:44My flamenco troupe and I had too much to drink.
03:47We have only just woken up.
03:49Then who were the dancers at the Chateau?
03:51Are you sure it wasn't you?
03:53Of course I'm sure.
03:55Did they dance like this?
03:57Ah!
03:57I'm sure I would have remembered if they had.
04:05Now I look more closely, Colonel.
04:08This is definitely not the man I gave the photograph to.
04:12Hilger, you idiot.
04:14Well, how was I to know he was not the real Juan one?
04:18If it falls into the wrong hands, we will be in deep trouble.
04:21This is what comes of leaving things to the men.
04:24I must talk with you urgently.
04:44What is it now, Michelle?
04:46Listen very carefully.
04:48I shall say this only once.
04:50I will bring the Edison recording machine here this afternoon
04:53and we will pre-record the broadcast for the secret radio station.
04:57I am still worried about that, Michelle.
04:59The Germans are bound to track it down.
05:01I told you before, we will move it around the countryside.
05:04Oh!
05:04The machine will be hidden in Monsieur Alphonse's urs.
05:08He will drive around, transmitting our programs,
05:10and the Germans will suspect nothing.
05:12That is very ingenious, Michelle.
05:15Oh, I wish I had your brains.
05:17Not to mention the rest of urs.
05:27This photograph clearly shows that the colonel and lieutenant
05:30have somehow obtained the painting of the fallen Madonna.
05:33But why give the photograph to Monsieur Alphonse?
05:36Because they thought he was Juan Garcia.
05:39We will send a ransom note to the Germans
05:41saying we will post this photograph to the general
05:43unless they pay us 10 million francs.
05:46How ruthless we are.
05:48And now, I must go and prepare for the radio recording.
05:52Hey, what are you doing?
05:54Oh, these are for gargling.
05:55I need to lubricate my tonsils for the broadcast.
05:59She must have very big tonsils.
06:02Dr. Lacan said she had the biggest pair you've ever seen.
06:08So much for the Hippocratic Oath.
06:10The burning question is,
06:14who has the incriminating photo?
06:17It can only have been the resistance, Colonel.
06:21No doubt we shall hear from them soon
06:24in some secret, subtle way.
06:33Sooner than you expected.
06:35And not so subtle.
06:36A ransom note from the resistance.
06:43They demand 10 million francs
06:45or they will send the photograph to General von Klinkerhofen.
06:48This is outrageous.
06:50Don't they know we never give in to blackmail?
06:52But if we do not, Colonel,
06:54we will all be in it up to our necks.
06:56You will, you mean.
06:58I'm not in the photo.
06:59But if I were under pressure...
07:07You wouldn't.
07:08Well, I would hold out until someone lit a cigarette.
07:12But if they blew the smoke in my face
07:14and gave a sinister laugh,
07:15I could go to pieces.
07:18They cannot possibly raise 10 million francs.
07:21There is one possibility, Coronel.
07:25The Garrison pay truck
07:27is making its monthly run
07:29from Abfield this afternoon.
07:31We could ambush it and steal the money.
07:34We could disguise ourselves
07:36as members of the resistance
07:37to avoid being recognised
07:38and hold the driver up at gunpoint.
07:41We can't hold up a truck,
07:42just the three of us.
07:44We have a storeroom full of rubber dummies
07:47we were going to drop
07:48to confuse the British when we invaded.
07:50We could dress them up
07:53as resistance members
07:54to create the impression
07:55of a large ambush.
07:57I don't like it.
07:59Would you prefer a firing squad?
08:03I'm weakening.
08:06We will do it.
08:07Gruber, you get the dummies
08:09and you, Helga, get the costumes.
08:11What will you be doing, Coronel?
08:13Staying here
08:14and writing out
08:15my last villain testaments.
08:20The preparations
08:23for my intimate lunch
08:25with Helga
08:25are almost complete.
08:27When she arrives once more,
08:29you will give her
08:31this glass of wine
08:32which contains
08:33a special Gestapo truth serum
08:35extracted from the female
08:37Peruvian inflating marsh frog.
08:39It blows itself up
08:42at the height
08:43of the mating season
08:44to attract a partner.
08:45Yes, Herr Flick.
08:47Under its influence,
08:48Helga will reveal to us
08:50the whereabouts
08:51of the painting
08:51of the fallen Madonna
08:52which she stole from us.
08:55The omelette
08:55is coming along
08:56very well, Herr Flick.
08:57Rising.
09:01Rising very quickly, Herr Flick.
09:03Herr Flick.
09:04Herr Flick.
09:05It's going out.
09:05It's going out of control.
09:07Herr Flick.
09:08You will reverse the process
09:10if you beat it with a spoon.
09:11Oh.
09:12Shh.
09:17You know how to cope
09:18with every emergency,
09:19Herr Flick.
09:20Of course.
09:22Cooey.
09:22I hope I'm not late.
09:27Perfect timing.
09:29Von Smallhausen,
09:29a glass of wine
09:30for Helga.
09:32Please sit.
09:38Drink deeply, my dear.
09:41You are forbidden
09:42to see another
09:43Peter Lorre film
09:44for one month.
09:48Now,
09:49perhaps you might tell me
09:50why you invited me here, Herr Flick.
09:52Certainly.
09:53You have just drunk
09:54a very powerful
09:55truth serum
09:56which will take effect
09:58in a matter of seconds.
10:00You will go into a trance
10:01and tell me anything
10:02I wish to know.
10:04Do not be ridiculous, Herr Flick.
10:06There is no such.
10:08Excellent.
10:09Are you receiving me?
10:11I am yours
10:12to command.
10:15Give us a kiss.
10:17Silence, Herr Flick.
10:17You will take notes.
10:20Now, Helga,
10:21there is the painting
10:22of the fallen Madonna.
10:25After I stole it from you, Herr Flick,
10:26I gave it to the colonel
10:27and Lieutenant Gruber
10:28who are sending a photograph
10:29of it to Spain
10:30to be valued by an art expert
10:31with a view to selling it.
10:33She's going too fast for me, Herr Flick.
10:36Shut up and keep writing.
10:37However, the photograph
10:38has fallen into the hands
10:39of the resistance
10:40who are blackmailing the colonel
10:41and Lieutenant Gruber
10:42for 10 million francs.
10:43They cannot raise the money
10:44so they intend to disguise themselves
10:45as resistance girls
10:46and rob the garrison
10:47pay truck this afternoon.
10:48Did you get all that,
10:51von Smallhausen?
10:52I have no more lead
10:53in my pencil.
10:56I am relieved to hear it
10:58as you have been pursuing me
10:59for some time
10:59against my wishes.
11:01As a result
11:02of this information,
11:04we will also disguise ourselves
11:05as resistance members
11:07and catch them red-handed.
11:09Oh, that is brilliant, Herr Flick.
11:11As always.
11:12Now, Helga,
11:13you will come out
11:15of your trance
11:15and remember nothing
11:16of this conversation.
11:18Yes, Herr Flick.
11:22There may, however,
11:23be side effects.
11:25The serum
11:25of the inflating marsh frog
11:27is not absolutely foolproof.
11:29When will these side effects begin?
11:36Dick, von Smallhausen,
11:38the spoon.
11:43Please plug in
11:48the Edison recording machine.
11:50Ah.
11:56Good morning.
11:58Good morning.
12:00I hope I am in tomb
12:02for the secret recruiting session.
12:04We are just about to begin.
12:06But first,
12:08a special message
12:09from General de Gaulle
12:10for you, René.
12:11René Atrois,
12:14your brave deeds
12:15for resistance
12:16will be remembered
12:17by all fronts.
12:20You deserve the middle
12:21and as soon as I am able,
12:24I will personally
12:25kiss your cheek
12:26and give you one
12:27and give you one
12:29and give you one
12:30and give you one
12:31and give you one
12:31and...
12:32Oh, the needle has stuck.
12:33Never mind.
12:34I got the general idea.
12:36I think he will
12:37give me one, too.
12:38I am sure
12:41if he is busy,
12:41one of the other generals will.
12:44It is.
12:46What is going on?
12:48Why have we been
12:48dragged out of bed like this?
12:50Michelle asked us
12:51to bring you both down.
12:52Everyone has a part
12:53to play in the recording.
12:55What are these?
12:55These are the scripts
12:56for the recording.
12:57We will re-ass them first.
12:59I will get out
12:59my teals of the trode.
13:03What is all that for?
13:04I am deeing the cinder fox
13:05for the Rudio Broadkist.
13:08We will take it
13:08from the top.
13:10This is Radio Free France
13:12calling on all
13:13French men and women
13:14to revolt against
13:15the Nazi oppressors.
13:17I am a fighter
13:18for the resistance.
13:20Fearless and strong.
13:24It's strong.
13:26I am galloping
13:27round the countryside
13:28to gather support.
13:30And quickly, right.
13:35I stop outside
13:36the house of a peasant.
13:38Me!
13:40I knock them up.
13:42Oh, is this my turn?
13:44Not yet.
13:45No, no, no.
13:46No, no, no.
13:51The door opens.
13:58Twice.
14:01Hello?
14:02I am a peasant.
14:04Now it is your turn,
14:05Madam Fennel.
14:05What?
14:06It is your line
14:07next in the script.
14:09Where?
14:10Here.
14:11Oh, no, no, no.
14:13I cannot read
14:14without my glasses.
14:17Could we not just
14:18water the oars
14:18while we wait?
14:20This is only our ears
14:21and we will go
14:22on to the second page.
14:24This is you, Rene.
14:25Oh.
14:26Oh, thank you.
14:27Oh, thank you.
14:28Oh, thank you.
14:30I am Nighthawk,
14:31the hero of the resistance.
14:33I am here
14:34in my secret headquarters
14:35planning to overthrow
14:37the Germans.
14:38I call upon
14:39all true Frenchmen
14:41to rise up
14:41behind me.
14:42I am Mrs. Nighthawk
14:45and I second that.
14:48I pour two glasses
14:50of wine
14:50with a steady hand.
14:57I said a glass,
14:58not a pint of jug.
15:00We are not alcoholics,
15:01you know.
15:02Siri, Ronnie,
15:03I got carried the woo.
15:06Continue.
15:06Guess what Mrs. Nighthawk
15:10and I
15:11are doing now.
15:15Not yet,
15:16you idiot.
15:17We are pouring
15:18more glasses
15:18for the brave
15:20team of resistance
15:20fighters
15:21whose faces
15:22strong and eager
15:23stretch away
15:24into the darkness
15:25beyond the candlelight.
15:28I've ran out
15:29of ween.
15:30Oh, never mind.
15:31Continue.
15:32We are loyal
15:34peasant girls.
15:36Brigitte,
15:37Charlotte,
15:38Colette,
15:39Norma
15:39and Nadine.
15:45And we offer
15:46our services
15:47freely
15:47to our leader,
15:48Nighthawk.
15:49We will do
15:50anything,
15:51he asks.
15:52Isn't that so?
15:52Brigitte,
15:53Charlotte,
15:53Colette,
15:54Norma,
15:54Nadine,
15:55Jacqueline,
15:55Genevieve,
15:56Van Gilles?
15:57Yes!
15:57Yes!
15:58Yes!
16:00And now we will
16:01sing the song
16:02of the song.
16:03Monsieur Alfonso,
16:04we will attempt
16:04a trial recording
16:05for volumes.
16:06As you wish.
16:10It is ready.
16:12The song is on
16:13the last page.
16:14Monsieur Leclerc,
16:15the music.
16:16Ah!
16:22Everyone ready?
16:23Mm-hmm.
16:25We are
16:26resistance fighters,
16:28happy girls and boys.
16:30We've equipped
16:30the German soldiers
16:32throwing stones
16:33and cracking boulders.
16:34We are resistance fighters,
16:36sign up with us soon.
16:38And hear us on our radio
16:39each Wednesday afternoon.
16:42Yes, well,
16:54something like that.
16:55Now,
16:56get back,
16:57Monsieur Alfonso,
16:57so we can see if it works.
16:58Uh,
16:59Michelle,
17:00do you not think
17:00somebody is bound
17:01to recognise
17:01our voices?
17:03Oh,
17:03do not worry.
17:04The Edison recording machine
17:05is designed for
17:06AC-DC electric current.
17:08Over here,
17:09the playback will be
17:10distorted by our
17:11DC current.
17:15We are
17:15resistance fighters,
17:16and the German boys.
17:18We are
17:18the German soldiers,
17:19so we've done
17:20that waiting for you.
17:21We are
17:21the quiet
17:22of the night
17:22in our sun.
17:24Well,
17:24we certainly sound
17:25more AC than DC.
17:26Put it up on there.
17:33Uh,
17:33that's better.
17:35Aye,
17:35that should do the trick.
17:37Now,
17:40the key truck
17:40will turn off here
17:42and drive down
17:44this dead end
17:45where we will ambush it.
17:47You've thought of everything.
17:48Yes,
17:49I have,
17:49haven't I?
17:49Now,
17:54let's go and help
17:57give over the blow-up dummies.
18:18Now,
18:19let's go and help
18:19What on earth is Gruber doing?
18:21I cannot think, Colonel.
18:29Gruber!
18:30Ah, Colonel, the dummies are all in place.
18:33I think one of them has a slow leak.
18:35I was just topping it up.
18:38They are not very good quality.
18:40The rubber must have perished in the storeroom.
18:43Is the diversion sign in place, Colonel?
18:46Just as planned.
18:47The pay truck will be here any minute.
18:49Come on, Helge.
18:51We must conceal the motorcycle behind the trees.
19:00Let us hope the pay truck arrives
19:03before we run out of dummies.
19:09I do not see any diversion sign, Herr Fleek.
19:13It must be that fork at the next junction.
19:15Live rapidly after me, von Smallhausen.
19:19I hear something.
19:46An engine.
19:48It must be the pay truck.
19:50Now remember, we're supposed to be in the resistance.
19:53We must act like ruthless desperadoes.
19:57I will do my best.
19:59Don't forget.
20:00It's a French accent.
20:01Good afternoon.
20:23We are sorry to buzzer you,
20:25but would you mind stepping out for a moment?
20:27We are ambushing them,
20:29not inviting them to tea.
20:30I'll do it.
20:31That's right.
20:32This is a load up.
20:34Out of this run.
20:35Step on it.
20:37You are completely surrounded
20:38by the finest Marx women in the resistance.
20:42Move!
20:45Give us your guns and open the doors.
20:47Get the boxes of the manet.
20:55You two kittens are back.
20:57Then speak out of you
20:59and we will spray you with the bullets.
21:06Come along, Grieber.
21:08Come on, quick.
21:09I hope they will be all right.
21:13To the motorcycle.
21:15Hurry.
21:21I will get quite a taste for a life of crime.
21:26I hope they are not going to make a habit of it.
21:29This suspender belt is killing me.
21:31This is it,
21:39von Smallhausen.
21:41The ambush place must be just down here.
21:44We will creep up
21:44on the colonel and lieutenant Gruber
21:46and arrest them
21:48as they attempt to rob the truck.
21:50Don't be such a sissy, Grieber.
22:01What about the blow-up dummies?
22:03You'll have to leave them behind.
22:06Now,
22:07drive carefully, Helga.
22:09I do wish to fall off.
22:20There is the pay truck,
22:24von Smallhausen.
22:26We are not too late after all.
22:36The load is blocked, General.
22:38We'll follow the diversion, then.
22:46There is no one in it, Herr Flick.
22:48Just an ambush
22:50with dummies.
22:52And the doors are still locked.
22:54What does it all mean, Herr Flick?
22:57I see it all.
22:59Clearly,
22:59the colonel and lieutenant Gruber
23:01attempted to hold up the truck.
23:04The guards repelled them
23:05and chased them away through the woods.
23:07So the money is still in the truck.
23:10Of course.
23:12We will drive it back to our headquarters,
23:14break open the doors,
23:16and appropriate the money
23:17for our own uses.
23:18Oh,
23:19what a genius you are, Herr Flick.
23:22That goes without saying.
23:26I will drive,
23:27von Smallhausen.
23:29You cannot reach
23:30the pedals.
23:31What is going on here?
23:47It looks like the garrison pay truck.
23:56A fleek.
23:57What are you doing here in this pay truck?
23:59And why are our rubber invasion dummies
24:01dressed in those ridiculous clothes?
24:03All part of an armed robbery
24:05which we foiled.
24:06We are driving this truck back
24:08to our headquarters
24:09to fingerprint it
24:10and look for clues.
24:12Why are you dressed
24:13as members of the resistance?
24:15And where are the security guards
24:16from this pay truck?
24:17They are off chasing
24:18the robbers, Herr General.
24:19What is that noise?
24:24It's coming from inside
24:25the back of the truck.
24:37Stand back!
24:38What has happened here?
24:43There is the strongbox.
24:44We were held out
24:45by the resistance, General.
24:47They were dressed
24:48just like those two
24:49beside you.
24:50They are innocent.
24:51Especially me.
24:52I am only a very junior
24:54Gestapo officer.
24:56You expect me to believe
24:58this nonsense
24:59about foiling a robbery?
25:01It is too much
25:02of a coincidence.
25:03You dressed
25:04as resistance terrorists.
25:05The guards locked in.
25:06The money gone.
25:08Arrest them!
25:09And take them
25:09to the shuttle
25:10for questioning.
25:11You are making
25:12a big mistake, General.
25:14Not as big as the one
25:16you've just made,
25:17Herr Flick.
25:22Arrest that dummy
25:23as well
25:24for insubordination.
25:27It is!
25:28It is!
25:29Oh, I need food!
25:33Oh, well,
25:34no one hears
25:35the cries
25:36of an old woman!
25:39See if there is
25:40some cheese
25:41left in the trap.
25:43No cheese,
25:44just a mouse.
25:49It is!
25:50It is!
25:52It is all set up.
25:57The Edison
25:57recording machine
25:58is hidden
25:59in the coffin.
26:00It is powered
26:01by the battery
26:01from your old
26:02ice cream van,
26:03monsieur.
26:04My whip
26:04at the front
26:05forms an aerial
26:07to transmit
26:08the broadcast.
26:17Let us hope
26:18the Germans
26:18do not decide
26:19to search the earth.
26:20It is a risk
26:21we must take.
26:23The radio
26:24will be transmitting
26:25while I go
26:25about my business.
26:27It is on.
26:29Go slowly.
26:30It is delicate
26:30equipment.
26:33I always go slowly.
26:35I am an undertaker.
26:37they are all out in the square.
26:43Oh, no wonder
26:44they cannot hear us.
26:48Pass me my ear trumpet.
26:50I will try to attract
26:51this attention.
26:54I will go now.
26:56Remember, monsieur
26:57Duffins, do nothing unusual
26:58and no one will notice you.
27:00Help!
27:05I think somebody
27:06might have noticed that.
27:08René, you've got
27:10the wrong cylinder.
27:11What?
27:11So what is on the cylinder
27:13in monsieur Alphonse's earse?
27:14It is the one
27:15with the message on it
27:15for René
27:16from General Degasle.
27:17Oh, you stupid woman.
27:20Quick, follow that herd.
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