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Tv, Mind Your Language - S01 - E05 - The Best Things In Life
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00:00Do-do-do-do-do
00:30Do-do-do-do-do-wah
00:34Do-do-do-do-do-do-wah
00:35Good evening
00:47Good heavens, Ranjit, you're actually here on time
00:50Yes
00:50Well done
00:52Oh, yes, thank you, one
00:55And thank you for carrying it
00:57De nada, hombre. Permítame que le quite el abrigo, por favor.
01:00Oh, yes, thank you very much.
01:02Ya está usted, aquí estoy yo para servirle, señor Brown, porque yo la atenderé siempre bien.
01:08Usted?
01:09You're a Spanish creeper.
01:12You're an Italian cuticle.
01:13All right, settle down, everybody. We've got a lot of work to do tonight.
01:17All right.
01:19Squeeze, please.
01:20Just sit down a minute early, will you?
01:21No, thank you. I'm only coming to tell you I'm not coming.
01:24Not coming?
01:25Yes, please.
01:27Well, but you can't leave in the middle of a term.
01:28I mean, you were doing quite well. Why do you want to leave?
01:30Oh, blimey, I'm coming up on the puddles.
01:33Coming up on the puddles?
01:34Yes, please. The football puddles.
01:37Oh, the football puddles?
01:38Yes, and I'm getting eight scoring draws.
01:41How many draws on the cup on?
01:43Only the eight I'm getting.
01:45How much are you in?
01:47Oh, blimey, it could be half a million pounds.
01:51Santa Maria!
01:52Oh, I'm very happy for you because you are my best friend.
01:59He's also my friend.
02:00I am the true friend of Ali.
02:09You?
02:10But of course, we are practically bloody brothers.
02:13I thought you didn't like Muslims.
02:16I love Muslims, especially when they're having half a million pounds.
02:21Well, I don't know what to say, Ali. I mean, I'm very pleased for you, of course.
02:24I'm also being very pleased for me.
02:26Yeah, what will you do?
02:27Oh, blimey, I'm going to the bed.
02:30To bed?
02:31Yes, please.
02:32With all that money, I'm not needing to be working, so I'm going to bed.
02:35You mean you're going to retire?
02:38Most definitely.
02:38Yeah.
02:39You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?
02:41Oh, yes.
02:41I got the copy.
02:43Here, please.
02:44The one I'm ticking off.
02:46I see.
02:47Yeah, well, Ali, I don't think you're going to be able to retire just yet.
02:50You mean he's not got eight draws?
02:51Oh, yes.
02:52He's got eight draws.
02:54Oh, good.
02:55They're not all on the same line.
02:56What difference is that making?
02:58Well, it means you haven't won anything.
03:00Nothing at all?
03:01Nothing at all.
03:03Ha!
03:03Bellos.
03:04Here, here, here.
03:05It's a pangos.
03:06No car!
03:08Yes, that's my car, yes.
03:11Typical of that Muslim twit.
03:13No brains whatsoever.
03:15Oh, blimey, you are changing tune.
03:17When you are thinking that I am very wealthy, you are being my bloody brother.
03:21That is before I am finding out you are bloody stupid.
03:24Don't you call me bloody stupid.
03:25All right, you bearded baboon.
03:27Quiet the pair of you and sit down.
03:29I presume you're staying now, Ali.
03:32I'm staying now, yes.
03:33Good.
03:35Right.
03:35Now, this evening I thought we'd try some practical use of the English language by acting out various
03:40situations that you might come across in real life.
03:43Now, we'll start with you, Taro.
03:45Ah, so.
03:46Now, you are going to the bank.
03:53Banco?
03:54Yes, sir.
03:55Where are you going?
03:58Banco.
03:59No, it's only a pretend bank.
04:01Pretendo?
04:02Yes, sir.
04:03Yes, yes.
04:04Look, we'll imagine that this table is the bank counter, that I'm the bank clerk, that you
04:08are a customer, and you've come in to cash a cheque.
04:10All right?
04:12Okay.
04:13Good morning, sir.
04:14It is, sir.
04:16Not good morning time.
04:18It is, sir.
04:19Good night time.
04:21Yes, it is now, but we are pretending.
04:24Ah, sir.
04:26Carry on.
04:27Good morning, sir.
04:28One moment, sir.
04:29What is it now?
04:30Are you Barclay, sir?
04:31Or Midland-o?
04:34It doesn't matter.
04:35Midland, if you like.
04:36Good morning, sir.
04:38Goodbye.
04:38Goodbye.
04:41Goodbye?
04:44Midland-o, not my banco.
04:48Barclays-o, my banco.
04:51All right, it's Barclays.
04:53Good morning, sir.
04:54Good morning.
04:55Ah, you wish to cash a cheque?
04:58Yes, please, sir.
04:59Good.
05:00How much?
05:00Ten pounds, twenty, thirty?
05:02Thirty-o.
05:03How do you want it?
05:04In money, please, sir.
05:06Thirty pounds in tens, ones, or fives, or what?
05:10Can I have the thirty or fives, sir?
05:14No, that would be a hundred and fifty pounds.
05:16Ah, sorry for Mistake.
05:18Yeah, well, not to worry.
05:19Thank you, Tara.
05:19That's not too bad.
05:20Now, who shall we have next?
05:22Ah, Daniel.
05:22Here.
05:27Quiet.
05:28You are the nicest banker I have seen.
05:32Yes, sir, we're not in the bank now.
05:33I want you to imagine something different.
05:35I have very good imagination.
05:38Yes, I'm sure you have.
05:39Now, I want you to...
05:40You are going to the post office, and I am the assistant.
05:44Oh.
05:45Excuse me.
05:46Can you help me?
05:47Certainly, madam.
05:48What is it you wish?
05:49How much it is, a letter to post?
05:52Is it to somewhere in England?
05:54No, it is a Swiss letter.
05:56A Swiss letter?
05:57Yes, I write to my boyfriend in Switzerland.
06:00Yeah, well, it's more correct to say that you want to send a letter to Switzerland, not a Swiss letter.
06:03It could be rather embarrassing if you were writing to someone in France.
06:07Oh, it doesn't matter.
06:09I think I need some extra English lesson.
06:13Maybe I could stay here with you after class.
06:16No, I don't think we could do that.
06:18Well, I come home with you, and you can teach me a lot, sir.
06:22Yes, I'm sure I could, but I think you know quite sufficient already.
06:26Now, is there anything else you want?
06:28Yes, but I cannot tell you here.
06:33From the post office?
06:36No, nothing.
06:37Well, all right.
06:39Thank you, Daniel.
06:40That'll do.
06:41Good morning.
06:42Now, Juan.
06:44Yes, sir.
06:45You are going to the employment exchange.
06:48Por favor.
06:49You're going to get a job.
06:51Ah, I have a job.
06:52Yeah, I know that, but we're assuming that you don't, and that you're going to the employment
06:56exchange to get one.
06:57As I explained to Tarot, we are just pretending.
07:00Ah, so right.
07:00Ah, right.
07:02What is your name?
07:03You know my name.
07:06As I do with the clerk at the job center, doesn't it?
07:09Ah, si.
07:10Juan Cervantes para Cerville.
07:12Oh, all right.
07:14Are you married?
07:15Si.
07:17I'm married to Gina Lollobrigida.
07:24Don't be ridiculous.
07:27Pretending.
07:30Touche.
07:31All right.
07:31What sort of a job are you looking for?
07:34A plenty money job.
07:36What sort of work do you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?
07:40Plenty little.
07:43All right, Juan.
07:45That'll be sufficient.
07:46Petey.
07:46I like it.
07:47A very good game.
07:50Thank you, Juan.
07:51Right.
07:52Now, Ranjit.
07:56What is it you are wanting me to do?
07:58You are going to the doctor's.
08:00And what is the nature of my complaint?
08:02Well, let's just say that you don't feel well.
08:04But I'm never feeling better.
08:06Yeah, well, pretend you have a cold.
08:09A cold what?
08:12All right, let's forget about the cold.
08:14Just imagine that you have a pain.
08:16Very well, sir.
08:17Oh.
08:19Well, go on.
08:20A thousand apologies.
08:21I am waiting for you to say, next, please.
08:25Doctor always say, next, please.
08:29Next, please.
08:31Good morning, doctor.
08:33Good morning.
08:34And what seems to be the trouble?
08:36I have terrible pain.
08:38Whereabouts?
08:39In my imagination.
08:42You're supposed to pretend it's a real pain.
08:46A thousand apologies again.
08:48I have real terrible pain.
08:51Good.
08:52Now, whereabouts is this pain?
08:53In my foot.
08:54Yeah?
08:55But his brains are hurting.
09:00Perhaps I will be hurting in a moment.
09:02Oh, blimey.
09:03You couldn't even crack a pupperdum.
09:04I'll give you a bunch of fibers.
09:06I'll give you a bunch of some perrots.
09:07And I'll give you a minute.
09:08Can you sell it?
09:09Come on, I'll give you a minute.
09:10Oh, it's caught me.
09:13What on earth is going on in here?
09:14Well, we were just having a few practical lessons.
09:17What in?
09:18Unarmed combat?
09:19Oh, it might come in useful.
09:20Well, I'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while.
09:26You're wanted down at the police station.
09:28The police station?
09:29There's no need to look so guilty.
09:30It's nothing you've done.
09:31It's about one of your students, the Indian lady.
09:34Oh, Jamila.
09:35What, has something happened to her?
09:37Yes.
09:38She's been arrested for shoplifting.
09:40She's been arrested for shoplifting.
10:10I don't care if someone has pinched your bicycle.
10:12Pinch somebody else's.
10:16Would you like a cup of tea?
10:19A tea?
10:24A cup of cha?
10:26Cha?
10:28Oh, yes, please.
10:30No, thank you.
10:31Four sugar.
10:33Don't run away.
10:38Jamila, are you all right?
10:40Oh, thank you, Master.
10:41You came here to help me.
10:42You can understand them.
10:43What did she say, Ali?
10:45Thank you, Master.
10:45You have to help you.
10:46I have to help you.
10:48In English.
10:49Oh, excuse me, please.
10:50She's saying that she's very glad that we are coming to help her escape.
10:55Ask her what she stole.
10:56What did you steal?
10:57People steal.
10:58What did she say?
10:59I wrote in the book that she's free.
11:03So I took her.
11:03Now, they say that you stole it.
11:05Well, nothing.
11:07She must have said more than that.
11:09Yes, please.
11:10She's saying that she's took a book from the newspaper shop, but the book was free.
11:14Well, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.
11:16I'll sort it out with the police.
11:18Will they be sending her to prison?
11:20No, no, no, no.
11:20Nothing as drastic as that.
11:22I'll have a word with the sergeant.
11:23Five pounds ought to do it.
11:24Ah, I'm understanding.
11:26That is a fine.
11:27No, no, no.
11:27It's not exactly a fine.
11:28Let's just say it's a little gift.
11:30Gift?
11:30Yes, it's an old English custom.
11:32I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
11:34Ah, you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
11:37That's right.
11:37Very well.
11:38What are you being itchy?
11:39No, no, no.
11:39It's fine.
11:40Sure.
11:41Good evening.
11:48Good evening.
11:49Are you Mr. Brown?
11:50No, he's Mr. Brown.
11:52I was speaking to him.
11:54Yes, you were right first time.
11:55Who are you?
11:56Ali Nadim.
11:57No, I am Ali Nadim.
11:59You are Mr. Brown.
12:00Yes, Ali.
12:01I'll do the talking, all right?
12:02You just leave it to me.
12:03Now, I'm sure we can sort this out, Inspector.
12:06The Commissioner looks after promotions here, sir.
12:09Yes, well, you look like an Inspector.
12:10I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
12:12May I compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing?
12:15Thank you, sir.
12:16Now, about this young lady.
12:18Ah, yes.
12:18I expect you'd like to have a look at my driving license.
12:21What for?
12:22Oh, to verify my identity.
12:24You said you were Mr. Brown.
12:25Yes, but you want some proof, don't you?
12:27Look, if you tell me you're Mr. Brown, I accept that as the truth.
12:30Yes, but I could have been lying.
12:31Were you lying?
12:32No, he's definitely Mr. Brown.
12:34He's telling the truth.
12:35Ali.
12:36I insist you look at my driving license.
12:38Oh, very well, if it'll make you happy.
12:40Is this yours, sir?
12:45Pardon?
12:46This five-pound note, it was inside your driving license.
12:49Are you sure?
12:50It could have dropped out of your trouser pocket.
12:52Oh, yes.
12:53And dropped upwards, I suppose, onto the desk.
12:56You might have had it tucked up your sleeve.
12:57Yes, and I could have a couple of doves up the other, but I haven't.
13:00It was definitely in your license.
13:03Yes, Sergeant, it's correct.
13:04I remember you putting it there not a moment ago.
13:08I forgot.
13:09It was just before you said, you scratch my back and I scratch yours.
13:13Thank you, George Washington.
13:14No, I'm Ali.
13:16Ali, just be quiet, please.
13:19Now, Sergeant, about this young lady.
13:21Yes, the accused.
13:23Yes, well, remember British justice.
13:24I mean, a person is presumed innocent until proven guilty, and this poor lady is innocent.
13:28I know that.
13:29I mean, just because she's an immigrant, you can't go picking up...
13:31Pardon?
13:32Oh, she pinched the book all right, but she thought it was Buck Shee.
13:36See what it says on the front cover?
13:38Free inside, colour supplement.
13:40That's right.
13:41Oh, and she thought the whole thing was free.
13:43Yes.
13:44Ah, well, then it's not her fault.
13:46If anyone's to blame, it's the person who's been teaching her English.
13:51It's not always easy.
13:52Well, if that's all, we'll be getting along.
13:53Come along, Jamila.
13:55Oh, but I told her, Master...
13:56Before you go, sir,
13:57would you like to make a donation to our police charity fund?
14:02Yes, well, you've caught me at a rather awkward moment.
14:05What about the fiver?
14:06You remember, sir.
14:07The one you thought you'd never had.
14:09Oh, that fiver.
14:10You know what they say, sir,
14:11what you've never had, you never miss.
14:14Unless, of course, you knew it was there all the time,
14:17in which case it would come under bribery and corruption.
14:22You scratch my back,
14:24and I'll scratch yours.
14:27See, Mr. Brown is not back.
14:32Now, what are you doing at the moment?
14:33We are studying our English glamour.
14:35Good.
14:36How far have you got?
14:37Let me see your book.
14:40Giovanni,
14:41Miss Courtney would like to see your book.
14:43I want to see your book.
14:54The Affairs of a Call Girl.
14:57I thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator.
15:01What is?
15:02A likely story.
15:05Well, until Mr. Brown returns, I shall take the class.
15:08Signora.
15:11Where are you taking us?
15:12I am not taking you anywhere.
15:16I am going to ask you a few questions on general knowledge.
15:19Hello.
15:20Now, first of all,
15:21can anyone tell me who said
15:23to be or not to be?
15:25Please?
15:26You just said it?
15:27Yes.
15:29But before I said it,
15:31who said it?
15:33Excuse, please.
15:34Yes?
15:35Chairman Mao.
15:35It may come as a surprise to you to know,
15:39but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao.
15:42Chairman Mao liked everything.
15:43Well, he certainly didn't like...
15:45Right.
15:46To be or not to be.
15:48Now, does anybody know?
15:50William Shakespeare.
15:52Correct.
15:53Excuse, please.
15:55Who is this William Spear-Sheik?
15:57Shakespeare.
16:00Thousand apologies.
16:02Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?
16:05Is it a big place?
16:07Is what a big place?
16:09These works of Shakespeare.
16:12I am referring to the things he wrote.
16:14Ah, excuse me.
16:16Now then,
16:17can anyone tell me what the population of England is?
16:21Miss Smith?
16:22Yeah, English.
16:23Not any longer.
16:29However, what I really meant was how many people are there?
16:32I do not know.
16:34I have not counted them.
16:36Well, let me ask you a simple question.
16:38Mr Nagasumi.
16:40Ah, sir.
16:43Can you tell me how many peas there are in a pound?
16:47Depends on size of peas.
16:49I think you had better all go back to studying your books
16:54until Mr Brown returns.
16:57You surely can't be much longer.
16:59Come on, sit down.
17:07I will make a tea.
17:09Yes, sir.
17:12How will she tell us why she's brought us back here?
17:14She just said she was having something to show you.
17:17She's saying thank you for saving her from the police
17:27and hopes that you will do the same next time.
17:30Well, I hope there's not going to be a next time.
17:37Free offer?
17:40Two pee off each tin?
17:41Huh?
17:42Supermark.
17:43Supermarket?
17:44Well, they've obviously been having a...
17:46Oh, no.
17:47Free offer.
17:48You haven't been taking things from the supermarket.
17:58Oh, dearie me.
17:59Did you say that again?
18:01Oh, dearie me.
18:04You must go back and see the police sergeant
18:06and scratch his bag again.
18:08Can't do that.
18:10You'll never believe this was a mistake.
18:11I mean, pinching a magazine is one thing,
18:12but knocking off half a supermarket
18:14is rather a different matter.
18:16On the other hand,
18:16we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods.
18:19It's dishonest.
18:20She can give them to me.
18:22I don't mind being dishonest.
18:24I'm sure you don't.
18:25Now, listen, Ali.
18:27I want you to go back to the school
18:28and ask all the students to meet Jamila and I
18:30outside the supermarket.
18:32What are we going to be doing?
18:34We're going to be putting all these things back.
18:36Oh, hello, Gladys.
18:40Everything locked up?
18:41Yes, Miss Courtney.
18:42By the way,
18:44I don't suppose you could give me a lift.
18:45Oh, I'm sorry, Gladys.
18:46I'm not going straight home tonight.
18:48There are one or two things I want from the supermarket.
19:02Right.
19:02Now, you all know what to do.
19:03Just be very, very careful that nobody sees you.
19:06All right?
19:06All right.
19:08All right.
19:24All right.
19:30All right.
19:31what are you doing here ah well I suppose you could say it was an
19:50extracurricular activity sir excuse me he's stuck
19:56all right I've been watching you lot just what do you think you're doing would
20:12you believe we were putting things back no I didn't think you would well well
20:19well regular little fagin aren't you I can explain sergeant you're not gonna show me
20:25your driving license again are you that's a relief see we were actually
20:29trying to return the goods I mean ask the students now look here sergeant it was
20:36obviously just a misunderstanding and I see no reason why you should pursue this
20:40any further I'm sorry madam miss if you don't mind yes well I'm afraid I shall
20:46have to make a report out on this affair oh no couldn't you just forget it ever
20:49happened oh I'm sure your police charity fund wouldn't say no to another
20:53contribution well we're always grateful for anything sir shall we say another
20:59five pounds that's very generous of you just a moment mr. Brown where are you
21:08going I've not made up my report yet I've just given you five pounds to oh no sir
21:15you very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund it wasn't meant as a
21:20bribe was it sir no good now let's take a few names you madam sorry miss Cockney thank you
21:34you sir what's your name for favor how do you spell that that's not his name oh giving me a false name hey for
21:46favor I'll come back to you mr. Paul favor or whatever your name is
21:50you yes please what is your name oh no what is not my name I don't want to know
22:02what your name is not what is your name and I'm telling you it is not you what is
22:09is his name nine aha now we're getting somewhere mr. nine that is not his name you said he was you
22:19asked me if his name is what and I tell you nine what is not his name but also what is his name
22:27absolutely not not what that is correct what who is not here and what is not here neither you're all
22:44balmy mr. Brown if I promise not to proceed with this report will you do me a favor yes what is it
22:55get these crap pots out of here and promise never to bring them back even if they've committed murder
23:12good evening miss Courtney or should I say mother please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate
23:18incident sorry I hope you've explained to your Indian lady the difference between free and free offer oh
23:24yes she understands it now don't worry it won't happen again excuse me i'm looking for a jamila ramjack
23:32are you thinking what i'm thinking i hope not why do you want jamila well she ordered a mini
23:36bike from us a month ago she hasn't paid for it we sent her three invoices she actually ordered the
23:41bike oh yeah she sent in the coupon look here it is oh no she's done it again seven day free trial
23:54oh
24:00oh
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