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00:00The Tetherball Amateur Tournament
00:28No, Kimberly, that's the T.A.T.
00:30This is the Tetherball Invitational Tournament
00:34People always confuse tit for tit
00:36All I know is this should be the biggest T.I.T. ever
00:40And don't forget about the pair of T.I.T.s we already have
00:42Help! Help! Help me! Somebody help me!
00:48Man going down! I'm coming! I'm coming!
00:52Help! Help! Somebody help me!
00:58I got him! I got him!
01:08Alright!
01:10I got him! B.J., where's the rest of him?
01:16Huh?
01:18Son of the Beach
01:22Starring Jamie Bergman as B.J. Cummings
01:26Roland Kickinger as Chip Rommel
01:28Lila Arcieri as Jamaica St. Croix
01:32Kim Oya as Kimberly Clark
01:36With Michael Berenson as Steve the Dog
01:40Even more starring Lisa Baines as Mayor Anita Massengill
01:42And starring most of all Timothy Stack as Notch Johnson
01:47Special guest star Mark Hamill as the Divine Rod
01:50Tonight's episode, Eat My Muffin
01:56No implants were harmed during the filming of Son of the Beach
02:00I've blown a lot of things in my life
02:02But never a save
02:04B.J., the man is alive and well
02:06Only after you saved him
02:08You've got to get your mind off it
02:10You've got to get your mind off it
02:12Let's try again
02:20Why didn't you save me? I almost died!
02:24Oh!
02:30Liebschen, I know you're upset
02:32But I need you in top form to win the tournament
02:34Forget it, Chip
02:36I'm a loser!
02:40B.J., can I see you for a minute?
02:44Have a seat
02:48B.J., even I once blew a save
02:50Really?
02:52Stand up, would you?
02:58A man fell off a boat
03:00I swam out the save
03:02But I didn't get there in time
03:04But this story is a happy ending
03:08Because that man was a personal injury attorney
03:12So nobody really cared
03:17Thanks, but it doesn't make the pain go away
03:22Oh, Notch, give her a little time
03:28I know, I just really need to go to the bathroom
03:30Oh
03:32Anybody home?
03:33Well, if it isn't the mayor of Beverly Hills adjacent
03:37Edward James almost
03:39I'm still waiting for that call from, uh, let's see
03:43Last year
03:45Come on, Anita, we got carried away
03:47You know how those adjacent cities conventions are
03:51Well, I'll get my revenge when my team kicks your team's ass in tetherball
03:55Ooh, you seem cocky
03:57I am the one with two blue balls
04:01TIT champs, two years in a row
04:03It's a new year and I've got a new team
04:05Want to make it interesting?
04:07Ooh, a bet
04:09But not for money
04:11The loser has to perform an embarrassing act in public, determined by the winner
04:15Why would we want to do that?
04:17Listen, almost
04:19Nobody takes Anita Massingill to bed
04:21Makes her dress like a Catholic schoolgirl and then doesn't call
04:25I want you to be as humiliated as I was
04:29Well, I am so confident in my team, I'll take that bet
04:35Has this little exchange turned you on as much as it has me?
04:39Mount me, Monsignor
04:43Bless you, my child
04:51BJ Cummings? Is that you?
04:54Tiffany, Amber
04:56I haven't seen you since spokesmodel college
04:58These days I go by the name Vega
05:00And I'm not a spokesmodel anymore
05:02But you were so successful in those moist and fresh feminine hygiene commercials
05:07I know, but one day it all dried up
05:10I'm so sorry
05:12Don't be
05:13I turned my life around
05:15I wish that could happen to me
05:17What's wrong? I thought you were doing great as a lifeguard
05:20I was
05:21Till about a half hour ago
05:23I blew a save
05:27And now I feel worthless
05:29Like there's this hole in me
05:31When I was down
05:33I met this spiritual man who changed my life
05:37Hey, he's holding a meeting right now
05:41Do you wanna go?
05:43Yeah
05:44Maybe he can fill my hole
05:47Hearken unto me
05:49As Abraham said to Abacus
05:51Back away from the lamb
05:53For she is the one to be spared
05:59BJ, this is our leader
06:01The divine rod
06:03Please
06:05Call me divine
06:07Tell me BJ
06:09Are you familiar with scripture?
06:11I am
06:13But my handwriting's horrible
06:15I usually print
06:16BJ
06:17I have been chosen by God
06:19To communicate with mortals here on earth
06:21Wait a minute
06:23I think he's calling me now
06:25God says the lifeguard known as BJ nearly killed one of my flock
06:29All will be forgiven
06:31If she devotes her life to kingdom come
06:33So you see BJ
06:35The choice
06:37Is in thine hands
06:39Understand?
06:41I think so
06:43But
06:45Who's this guy thine?
06:47Jamaica
06:49I think so
06:51I think so
06:53But
06:55Who's this guy thine?
06:57Jamaica
06:59I think so
07:01Who's this guy thine?
07:03Jamaica
07:05I keep telling you
07:06All you have to do
07:07Is slap the ball
07:08Hanging from the pole
07:10Yo, if you don't back off
07:12I will show you how well I slap balls
07:15Here we
07:16We take care of each other
07:18We do everything together
07:20Shower together
07:21Sleep together
07:23Really?
07:24Well what's that like?
07:33ginger
07:35What do you need in the woods?
07:36How are you?
07:37You
07:38Don't
07:38Me
07:40I
07:41You
07:42Don't
07:43You
07:44Don't
07:45You
07:46Don't
07:47I
07:48Don't
07:49You
07:50Do
07:51But
07:52You
07:54Don't
07:57You
07:58Do
07:59You
08:00Don't
08:01That sounds wonderful.
08:04I never knew I could be happy in a home that wasn't on wheels.
08:08But why are there cameras all over?
08:11We protect ourselves with those cameras.
08:14And those guns.
08:16Will you take a look at that rack?
08:21Tell me, BJ, are you hungry?
08:23How would you like a nice, warm muffin?
08:31Mmm, I love eating muffins.
08:37Mmm, mmm.
08:41Shut up, fool!
08:44I ain't down with your game no more.
08:46You can take your ball and your pole and shove it up your...
08:49Knock it off, you two.
08:53We got a real problem. BJ's missing.
08:55We've looked everywhere. She hasn't even been back to her trailer.
08:58Shut your cake holes, everyone. Look who's coming this way.
09:01Where have you been, BJ?
09:04My name is no longer BJ. It's Milky Way.
09:08Milky Way?
09:10Like the nougat and caramel-filled chocolate treat?
09:13No.
09:15I'm a member of Kingdom Come, where we're all named after stars.
09:19This is my sister Vega, and this is Big Dipper.
09:24So, BJ, I mean, Milky Way, will your new sisters be staying to watch tetherball practice?
09:31No.
09:31I'm going to be living in a different universe.
09:34You sound crazy, girl. Are you on the pipe?
09:37BJ, let's talk.
09:39Oh.
09:40See, Milky Way? They don't want you to be happy. You should really join.
09:47All pleasure, no pain. Really great muffins.
09:56Did you see the glazed look in her eyes?
09:58I think BJ's joined a cult.
10:00She could be in for life.
10:01With one of those punk-ass brothers who make him trip on that funked-up Kool-Aid.
10:06Yeah. Or make them wear brown shirts and invade satellite nations.
10:10Not so fast. BJ Cummings is not joining a cult.
10:14I don't care if it's the Moonies, the Hare Krishnas, or Elrond, what's his name?
10:18The guy who wrote Diuretics.
10:20She's a part of our family, and she's never, ever leaving.
10:24Never. Ever.
10:29I want my BJ. I want my BJ. I want my BJ.
10:34Guys, guys, guys, guys, I hate to tell you this, but BJ is a lifeguard.
10:39What?
10:46Notch, I've done a little digging. Listen to this.
10:49The Divine Rod, whose real name is Rod Petri,
10:53is a Vietnam vet turned postal worker turned day trader,
10:57and was originally the fourth dog in the group Three Dog Night.
11:00Three Dog Night? I love those guys.
11:04Anyhoo, the name of this guy's cult is Kingdom Come, but it's not really a cult.
11:09It's a triple-X-rated pornographic website where viewers pay to watch the girls
11:15bathe and shower and have sex with this Divine Rod.
11:19Oh, good golly. Look what they're doing now.
11:25Notch, they're eating muffins.
11:26Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, muffins.
11:30Hmm. You know, cults sometimes put mind-controlling drugs in the food.
11:36Hey, look. Later today, see Milky Way deflowered live for only $24.95.
11:45We accept Visa, MasterCard, and Fun Pack value coupons.
11:49Aw, dammit, I feel so helpless. All she wanted to be was a virgin for her husband,
11:54to keep her precious hymen intact.
11:56I understand. Clothes for business. No entry.
12:01The airtight lid sealed for freshness.
12:03Notch.
12:05Kimberly, somehow we have to find a way to get in there and sniff around.
12:11Hmm. I just got an idea.
12:14What's your problem?
12:20I can't decide what embarrassing thing I'll want you to do.
12:26So, not only did my boyfriend leave me for someone else,
12:31he left me for another man.
12:33I will rake in a fortune the night I bang her on the internet.
12:41Hark, as Thelonious said to the monk,
12:43thou shalt not lie down with thine own gender,
12:46or thou will wakest up sore like a bruised fruit.
12:50What does that mean?
12:51It means that fate took your boyfriend,
12:55so that you could serve a higher purpose.
12:58And that would be you?
13:01And kingdom come.
13:05Kimberly, you look hungry.
13:08How about a nice, warm muffin?
13:13Mmm. That looks good.
13:22Mmm. Tasty, too.
13:26Would you mind if I used your bathroom?
13:28Call that bran.
13:29Oh, whoa.
13:40Big Dipper.
13:42Go and get her.
13:43She came out through the bathroom window.
13:44No.
13:58No, no!
14:03No!
14:04No, no!
14:08No!
14:09Nice work, Kimberly.
14:16But something about you is different.
14:18It's probably the mud.
14:21Oh.
14:21But look, this is what Rod's using to drug the girls.
14:25Now, if we can find out what's in these, maybe we can stop him.
14:28Of course.
14:30I've got it.
14:33Kimberly, there's only one person who can analyze stuff like nobody's business.
14:39Professor Milosovic?
14:50I am proud to announce I have finally come out of the closet.
14:56Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:03Welcome to the Tetherball Invitational Tournament.
15:06Players from all over the world have brought their tattered balls to Malibu adjacent.
15:11Here's the team from France.
15:15Here's team Micronesia.
15:20And from the state of Idaho.
15:22We have to hurry.
15:29BJ's going to be deflowered in two hours.
15:31Can we do anything to help you?
15:33Kimberly, to conduct an accurate analysis, I will need to eat your muffin.
15:39But, Professor, you hardly know her.
15:41Notch.
15:42I'm talking about the pastry she has in her pants.
15:46Here it is.
15:47Place it in the food absorption bag on the back of my chair.
15:57No, no, wrong bag.
16:00Step away from the bag.
16:02Trust me, you don't want to open that one unless you want to brown bag it.
16:08Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:12Finally, from Malibu adjacent, Chip Rumble and last-minute substitution, Jamaica, St. Croix.
16:19Yeah!
16:26Well?
16:27It seems this muffin is loaded with ethyl-dioxy-chloride.
16:32Scientifically, how would this affect someone?
16:34It would make them really horny.
16:41Well, Doc, do you have an anecdote?
16:44Gladly.
16:45A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went into a bar and asked for...
16:50No, no, no, no.
16:51Not an anecdote.
16:53An antidote.
16:54Oh, why didn't you say so?
16:57We are one.
17:00We are one.
17:02We are one.
17:04We are one.
17:06We are one.
17:08We are one.
17:10We are one.
17:20Even against Micronesia, Chip Rumble and Jamaica, St. Croix are coming up short.
17:24We are one.
17:28We are one.
17:30We are one.
17:32That's far enough, cult leader.
17:35Yes!
17:37Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
17:39Ow!
17:44Ow!
17:45Ow!
17:49Ow!
17:50I'm gonna get you.
17:53Kimberly's got a gun!
17:54That's the milky way.
17:59Shoot him.
17:59Shoot him!
18:00Beej, it's me, Notch, your friend.
18:02Remember?
18:03BJ and Johnson.
18:04They go together.
18:05Don't listen to him.
18:06Shoot him!
18:08BJ, you look tired.
18:10How about some nice, cold water?
18:12What are you waiting for?
18:14Shoot him!
18:15Shoot him!
18:20Oh, I will obey.
18:22And by the way, Rod, the name's BJ.
18:30Ha-ha!
18:31All right!
18:32Welcome back, BJ.
18:33No milky way.
18:34You're just confused.
18:36Now I remember.
18:38I came to you because I felt lost.
18:40I trusted you to help me.
18:42But instead, you wanted to break my seal.
18:47BJ, shooting Rod won't get you anything but life behind bars.
18:51Yeah.
18:52In one of those female prisons with a really butch head guard who has a lot of facial hair and carries a billy club.
18:56Notch.
18:57And she'll use that billy club on you.
18:58And when you go to the warden, she'll say you fell off your bicycle.
19:01Notch!
19:01And if that's not enough...
19:02Notch!
19:05Notch.
19:07He didn't.
19:08Rod didn't.
19:09No, he didn't.
19:10Nobody messed with Mr. Inbetween.
19:14Yeah.
19:15Well, I would have if it weren't for you pesky lifeguards.
19:18Malibu adjacent is down 14 to 0.
19:26It looks like Beverly Hills adjacent will be holding that blue ball in their hands very soon.
19:31Anita, you will be a laughing stock when you see what I've got planned for you.
19:36Jansen, I am about to lose a very embarrassing bet.
19:40Where the hell is BJ?
19:41She's right here.
19:45BJ Cummings is in for Jamaica St. Croix.
19:47And just listen to the crowd.
19:50I'm telling you, this girl has quite a cult following.
19:56Oh.
19:56Ooh.
19:57May I try one?
19:59Ooh.
19:59Ooh.
19:59Ooh.
20:00Ooh.
20:00Ooh.
20:00Ooh.
20:01Ooh.
20:02Ooh.
20:02Ooh.
20:03Ooh.
20:04Ooh.
20:05Ooh.
20:06Ooh.
20:07Ooh.
20:08Ooh.
20:09Ooh.
20:10Ooh.
20:11Ooh.
20:12Ooh.
20:13Ooh.
20:14Ooh.
20:15Ooh.
20:16Ooh.
20:17Ooh.
20:17Ooh.
20:18Ooh.
20:19Ooh.
20:20Ooh.
20:21Ooh.
20:22Ooh.
20:23Ooh.
20:24Ooh.
20:25Ooh.
20:26Ooh.
20:27Ooh.
20:28Ooh.
20:29Ooh.
20:30Ooh.
20:31Ooh.
20:32Ooh.
20:33Ooh.
20:34Ooh.
20:35Ooh.
20:36Ooh.
20:37Ooh.
20:38Ooh.
20:39Ooh.
20:40Ooh.
20:41Ooh.
20:42Ooh.
20:43Ooh.
20:44Ooh.
20:45Ooh.
20:46I have never seen such a comeback in all my years of announcing tetherball because of BJ, this one's sure to be called the miracle in Malibu adjacent
21:00Uh-oh
21:08Gee, and I was just going to ask her to wear funny shoes
21:24Oh, hi teens, Notch Johnson here
21:34Tonight's show is about hair loss
21:36You know, humans are always shedding hair
21:38And not just from their head
21:39Many people suffer from the heartbreak of what doctors call a receding pubic hairline
21:45I admit, I'm one of them
21:47That's why I got together with the folks at Notch Johnson Laboratories
21:50To develop the Notch Johnson Big Boy Merkin
21:54Full, thick, easy to clean
21:57And you know something? The ladies like it too
22:00Hi, Notch
22:01I love your phony pubic hair
22:03Thanks, ma'am
22:04So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying
22:08Ride the big one
22:09So until next time, this is notch Johnson Marie
22:10We love you
22:10We love you
22:12Hope you very long
22:22And that's it
22:22We love you
22:24If you're even more popular
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