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00:00It's a good day to die.
00:24And what better way than to die with my children beside me?
00:28My son, Dark Horse, my beautiful daughter, Firebush,
00:33and last but not least, my adopted son, Notch Johnson.
00:40Please, Tribal Father, call me by my Indian name.
00:44Okay, little worm.
00:47Thanks, Dad.
00:48We Cajones have lived on this land for centuries,
00:51from the mountains to the valleys,
00:54to the ocean white with foam.
00:57Dark Horse, you are to be chief.
01:01You must never allow outsiders to take over our land.
01:05Don't worry, Pop. I'll take care of everything.
01:08Like you always said, the buckskin stops here.
01:12Father is right.
01:14We must be content with what we have.
01:16Protecting our lands, making our blankets.
01:19And selling medicinal tobacco to people with glaucoma.
01:22You said I'd take care of it, Notch.
01:25Good. I feel safe now.
01:28Knowing the dirt I am about to eat will always be ours.
01:34Hey.
01:37Well, Mr. Wynn, he's gone.
01:52Geez, that took long enough.
01:53Hey, who's my father and a great chief?
01:56Now, when does the tribe get our money?
01:58As soon as we break ground for the new casino.
02:01What about the mayor of Malibu, Jason?
02:03We may own the land, but only she can give us the permits.
02:06Don't worry about the mayor.
02:07J.P. Wynn has got her right where I want her.
02:24Son of the Beach.
02:26Starring Jamie Bergman as B.J. Cummings.
02:29Roland Kickinger as Chip Rommel.
02:32Lila Arcieri as Jamaica St. Croix.
02:36Kim Oya as Kimberly Clark.
02:39With Michael Berenson as Steve the Dog.
02:42Even more starring Lisa Baines as Mayor Anita Massengill.
02:46And starring most of all, Timothy Stack as Notch Johnson.
02:50Tonight's episode, Love Native American Style.
02:58On tonight's Son of the Beach, the part of Notch Johnson
03:01will be played by Vivian Vance.
03:03Hey, I see the fuzz.
03:05But I just got a bikini wax.
03:08No, B.J.
03:09It's Laika.
03:11What's up, Laika?
03:12Hi.
03:13So, Laika, what's Malibu Jason's finest doing at the beach?
03:17Oh, nothing.
03:19Except...
03:20I'm getting married next week!
03:22Yo, we have got to plan a bachelorette party
03:26and get down with all of ourselves.
03:28Yeah, let's get way rowdy.
03:29And then Kimberly, we'll see you at the wedding.
03:32Wait, wait, what's that supposed to mean?
03:36Oh, come on, Kimberly.
03:37When Mecca and I throw a bachelorette party,
03:39it's gonna get crazy.
03:41We just assumed that...
03:42Hey, I'm no goody-goody.
03:45Girlfriend, please.
03:46Notch, you don't think I'm a prude, do you?
03:50Of course not.
03:51Why'd he ask?
03:52Well, see, everybody's getting together for a bachelorette party
03:54at one of those exotic dance clubs.
03:55And you got invited?
03:56Why does everyone keep asking that?
03:58Hey, Chief, can I talk to you?
03:59I got a letter from Aunt Ava.
04:01Hold on, Chip.
04:02Those are smoke signals from the Cajones.
04:04Chief Dark Horse will make the Cajone Reservation
04:06a gambling casino.
04:07It will extend to the beach.
04:09More smoke at 11.
04:12This is terrible.
04:14Notch.
04:15I'm sorry.
04:16I'm sorry.
04:17I'm sorry.
04:18I'm sorry.
04:19I'm sorry.
04:20I'm sorry.
04:21I'm sorry.
04:22I'm sorry.
04:23I'm sorry.
04:24I'm sorry.
04:25I'm sorry.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27I'm sorry.
04:28Notch.
04:29When did you become fluent in smoke signals?
04:32I'm a Cajone.
04:34As a boy, I was adopted by the late tribal father,
04:37Chief Pokemon.
04:39You were part of his family?
04:41Well, not 100%.
04:42I was more like Robert Duvall in The Godfather,
04:44or Ernie on My Three Sons.
04:47But they were my family.
04:50And now with every fiber of my being,
04:53I have to stop this.
04:58Come on, girl.
04:59Get it up.
05:00J.P., as excited as I am to meet you, I don't know.
05:11A gambling establishment.
05:13I have a very conservative constituency.
05:16Ah, Anita, just take a look.
05:19I know you're going to be as excited as I am
05:21once you see the Big Cajone Casino.
05:26My lord.
05:28It's so big.
05:30Anita, nothing about me is small.
05:33Mayor Massengill, what the heck is going on?
05:37I heard a casino's...
05:38Hey, that is really cool.
05:40What is that?
05:41A casino.
05:43A casino?
05:44It just so happens I came here to talk to you about a casino.
05:47You're Notch Johnson, the famous lifeguard, aren't you?
05:50J.P. Wynn, Atlantic City.
05:53Oh, I'll give you something to shake, mister.
05:56You're not building a casino in Malibu adjacent.
05:59I'm not going to let you destroy the town,
06:01the Indian reservation, the beach.
06:03Not to mention, you're cutting off my unit.
06:06We Cajones have a saying.
06:09Mariska Hogatay, Algonquin Calhoun.
06:12Which means, go back to Atlantic City.
06:15You're not wanted.
06:23J.P., the pinhead does have a point.
06:25If the casino is built, this town will never be the same.
06:28Why don't we talk more about it, say, over dinner?
06:31Dinner? I like dinner.
06:33What did you have in mind?
06:35I have my own jet.
06:37You're not afraid of flying, are you?
06:40Oh, well, let's just put it this way.
06:43I'm a charter member of the Mile High Club.
06:46Who?
06:49I'm going to come down here trying to save this beach tonight.
06:51A-J.P.
06:52Notch, can I talk to you?
06:53J.P., can't you see I'm muttering to myself?
06:57Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
07:00It's this casino.
07:02What can I do for you, my German buddy?
07:04It's my family in South America.
07:06The Rommels of Paraguay.
07:07You remember?
07:08They conduct genetic experiments.
07:10Noble work.
07:11How's their business?
07:13It's ghastly.
07:14They need money to complete their findings.
07:16Ah.
07:17Say no more, pilgrim.
07:19Ten dollars?
07:20Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I thought it was a five.
07:25I'll get you some change.
07:26Acta Liebe.
07:31Time to start moonlighting.
07:36Thank you kindly.
07:37Yo, our booties are going to be front row center for the bachelorette blowouts.
07:48Hey, you know what else we should do for Laika?
07:52A lingerie party.
07:53What?
07:54It's a lingerie party.
07:55Are you sure you want to go?
07:56Okay.
07:57No, hold on.
07:58You are all acting like I am some total prude.
07:59I would love to go to a lingerie party.
08:01What's a lingerie party?
08:02Well, here's how I picture it.
09:19Merci, Marceau.
09:27To us.
09:29To us.
09:30I can't believe I'm in Paris.
09:36And just look at the sights.
09:38The Eiffel Tower.
09:40The Louvre.
09:41Notre Dame.
09:43Popeye's chicken.
09:46Anita, ever since I met you, I've wanted to give you a pearl necklace.
09:51You're using this to buy that permit for the casino.
09:54No, I'm not.
09:55Forget the casino.
09:56We won't build it.
09:58I'm just glad to be in Paris with a real woman.
10:02Are you serious?
10:03Absolutely.
10:04It was going to be my last casino anyway.
10:06I just want to meet someone and travel.
10:09And I've almost made enough money to do just that.
10:13Uh-huh.
10:14And when you say enough money, did you have a figure in mind?
10:18Fifty billion dollars.
10:19I even brought this contract with me.
10:26Foolishly thinking we could get the business out of the way and then talk about us.
10:31Let's talk about us.
10:40Look, little worm.
11:07Our people have gone crazy with greed.
11:08Maybe they will listen to you.
11:16With all the power of the Lord thy God, dost thou not seeth thy sins?
11:33Hello, brown log.
11:36Laughing cow?
11:38Hello, white swallow.
11:41Hello yourself, little worm.
11:45Notch, you mean well.
11:46But it is time for the cojones to enjoy the fruits.
11:50Fruits are good.
11:51But I really love nuts.
11:53But look at the beauty you already have.
11:56What more could you want?
11:57What more could you want?
12:01On this land, your father, Chief Pokemon, taught me how to hunt, how to fish, and how to trap beaver.
12:11And if you give this land to the long knife from Atlantic City, I will use all my power to stop it.
12:19Oh, my God.
12:20Oh, my God.
12:21Oh, my God.
12:21Oh, my God.
12:22Yo, yo, yo.
12:23Looks like we got some horny ladies in the house.
12:25Oh, my God.
12:26Oh, my God.
12:28Any bachelorette parties tonight?
12:29Oh, my God.
12:31Sweetheart, if you're going to be marrying a doctor, you're going to love our first act.
12:36He is the surgeon.
12:38Oh, my God.
12:40Oh, my God.
12:44Oh, my God.
12:46Oh, my God.
12:48Oh, my God.
12:52Oh, my God.
12:56Oh, my God.
12:58Oh, my God.
13:00Oh, my God.
13:01This thing is huge.
13:19Hi, Chip.
13:26What the hell do you think you're doing?
13:30I'm the one who made a mistake. I can't do this.
13:32I'm the one who made a mistake. You're fired!
13:39Thank you, thank you. I'm J.P. Wynn.
13:43I have built 17 casinos in my life,
13:47but the Big Cajoni is going to be my biggest and best yet.
13:52And I love my new partner, the Cajonis, Dark Horse.
14:01There we go. Look at the camera. Thank you.
14:05But best of all, I have met a woman who's captured my heart.
14:11Mayor Anita Massengill.
14:19Thank you, sweetheart.
14:21I have a vision for Malibu adjacent.
14:24A vision that I'd like to share with you.
14:27Oh, I'm sorry you don't approve.
14:30I'm sorry I have to leave the land I love.
14:32Who says you have to leave, beautiful squab?
14:35A woman like yourself.
14:38I could make you a very nice deal.
14:40We should have dinner sometime.
14:42You like to fly, don't you?
14:45Dinner with you?
14:47I would rather die the death of a thousand buffalos.
14:50The first shovel of sand, or as you cojones call it, earth.
14:55Earth.
14:56yeah
15:32Cajones swindled.
15:36Dark Horse attempting suicide.
15:40Yahoo up 29 points.
15:43I'm on it.
15:44Wind stole from us.
15:47And it's all my fault.
15:48Now, I must die.
15:51Dark Horse, it's only money.
15:53It's not like you lost your land.
15:55No, he lost the land too, Notch.
15:57Okay.
15:58We got net profits, not adjusted gross.
16:01If we Cajones see any money,
16:04it won't be for four or five hundred moons.
16:08I only wanted what was best for our tribe.
16:11I should have listened to Little Worm and Firebush.
16:16Never be ashamed for doing what you think is best.
16:21Right, Firebush?
16:24Where's she going?
16:24She's going on a date with J.P. Nguyen.
16:27And then she's going to kill him.
16:28Oh, my God.
16:29Are you going to be okay?
16:30Yeah.
16:31All right.
16:32Here's your gun.
16:42Hey, Chip.
16:43How's it going?
16:44Wow, Chip.
16:48We can't believe we saw your big wiener.
16:53What BJ means is we can't believe we saw your big dancing.
17:00But why were you with a surgeon?
17:02With that big hose?
17:04You should have been the fireman.
17:05Did you do it for the money, Chip?
17:12Yeah.
17:13My family needs it.
17:15They might lose everything.
17:18That sleazy MC said I could make big tight schmerks
17:21if I would show my schwanzernoodle.
17:25Now what do I do?
17:30Yo, we got to think of something, girlfriends.
17:33I once thought of something.
17:35Wait.
17:37The prude just came up with a great idea.
17:42Can't believe you.
17:47Paris?
17:48Mr. Wynn flew with his dinner companion to Paris?
17:53Let me ask you something.
17:54I have frequent flyer miles with ValueJet.
17:57Do you know if they fly to Paris?
18:00I just got some bad news from the governor.
18:02Have you seen my J.P.?
18:04I can't talk now, Mara.
18:05I've got to get to Paris.
18:06Ah, Paris.
18:08City of lights.
18:10Le Champs-Elysees.
18:11Le Tour Eiffel.
18:12But it's also the city where your J.P.
18:14has taken Firebush to dinner.
18:16What?
18:25Merci, Marceau.
18:27What changed your mind?
18:28If you can't beat him, if you can't beat him, date him.
18:36I'm going to kill him.
18:38And I'm going to wake him up.
18:39And I'm going to kill him again.
18:41I'm going to kill him again.
18:44Well?
18:46Hey.
18:47White Swallow told me about this odd-shaped bread.
18:50Apparently, they're called faggets.
18:52I've always wanted to give a girl a pearl necklace.
18:55But what about the mayor?
19:00I thought you were engaged.
19:02Oh, that old bag.
19:04No way, baby.
19:05I'm a free man in Paris.
19:06What the hell?
19:35Hi, Anita.
19:39You got the message to meet me up here.
19:41Save your crap for the tables, Wynn.
19:44You used me to get the permit, but guess what?
19:46Notch Johnson made some phone calls,
19:48and the governor overruled me.
19:50Your request for a gaming application has been denied.
19:53My people have their land back.
19:55And the mayor has broken wind.
19:57Bravo!
19:59Bravo!
20:00Bravo!
20:05Do I have any horny guys in the house?
20:07Hey, yeah, yeah!
20:10Okay, guys, I got some ladies here
20:13who are desperate for money.
20:14So I give you...
20:16The Lifeguard!
20:17Hey!
20:18You said deep down, baby.
20:22Oh, no!
20:23You're not like the last time when I've heard it all before, honey.
20:29It's time to put your love to the test.
20:33You've got to show me.
20:35Show me what you've got.
20:40Show me.
20:42Show me.
20:43Show me.
20:44Show me.
20:46Show me what you've got.
20:48I like the way you look now, baby.
20:53I like the way you feel.
20:57Just one thing you've got to do is
21:01show me that you're up to the world.
21:04Show me.
21:06Show me.
21:07Show me what you've got.
21:12Show me.
21:16Show me what you've got.
21:20Show me what you've got.
21:26Oh, hi, teens.
21:28Notch Johnson here.
21:30You know, tonight's show wasn't about anything.
21:32It was more of a statement against the stereotyping
21:35of the Native Indian American.
21:36You'll notice we stayed away from all those stereotypes.
21:41How, you might ask.
21:43Well, firstly, when I see those stereotypes,
21:46I get heap big sick.
21:48I mean, I just go, ugh.
21:50Thirdly, a lot of the actors we use tonight
21:53are actually part engine.
21:55And lastly, to avoid the stereotype of the drunken Indian,
21:59we limited the amount of alcohol our actors could drink.
22:03No drink'em firewater.
22:06So, until next time,
22:08this is Notch Little Worm Johnson saying,
22:11ride the big one.
22:12And next time,
22:14we Behind theotonique.com,
22:19je,
22:20I'll see you next week.
22:21Bye.
22:23Bye.
22:23Bye.
22:24Bye.
22:25Bye.
22:25Bye.
22:26Bye.
22:26Bye.
22:26Bye.
22:30Bye.
22:30Bye.
22:31Bye.
22:31Bye.
22:33Bye.
22:34Bye.
22:35Bye.
22:35Bye.
22:36Bye.
22:37Bye.
22:38Bye.
22:38Bye.
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