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00:57Then we must get to the high ground and build bunkers.
00:59No, Chip, the beach is going to be invaded by college students.
01:03It's spring break.
01:04Be still my hearty, we gonna party.
01:07You girls are all bad.
01:10Wait, let's not celebrate just yet.
01:12What's that on the beach over there?
01:15I don't know.
01:16Let's take a look.
01:20I want to be just like him.
01:25Shellfish?
01:26Well, that's weird.
01:28Usually it's used condoms and broken syringes.
01:32Oh!
01:34You people ever smelled a bad clam?
01:36Uh-uh.
01:38Oh, damn.
01:40No, check this out.
01:42It's a two-headed kingfish.
01:44Holy mackerel.
01:45Something in that ocean is mishugina.
01:48Notch, what are we gonna do?
01:50There's only one thing to do.
01:52I'm closing the beach for spring break.
01:54Son of the Beach, starring Jamie Bergman as B.J. Cummings.
02:09Roland Kickinger as Chip Rommel.
02:12Lila Arcieri as Jamaica St. Croix.
02:15Kim Oya as Kimberly Clark.
02:18With Michael Berenson as Steve the dog.
02:21Even more starring Lisa Baines as Mayor Anita Massengill.
02:25And starring most of all, Timothy Stack as Notch Johnson.
02:29Tonight's episode, Silence of the Clams.
02:37We apologize in advance for this episode of Son of the Beach.
02:41You want me to do what?
02:43Mayor Massengill, we must close the beach and cancel spring break.
02:47Johnson, let me break this to you as gently as I possibly can.
02:51No!
02:53But, Mayor, before I became a lifeguard, I was a marine biologist.
02:58Way to move up, sweetie.
03:00Look, you two.
03:02College students from all over the country have chosen Malibu adjacent as their home for spring break.
03:08After a tough year of drinking and fornicating, these kids need to blow off some steam.
03:14Plus, the hottest show on TV is going to be here.
03:18Walker, Texas Ranger?
03:20No, you lame-brained chowderhead.
03:23M.S.T. Music and Sex Television.
03:26And they're going to interview me.
03:29But what about this?
03:32I'm not going to let that ruin my chance for national exposure.
03:37Okay, fine, Mayor, but I'm warning you.
03:39If the press finds out about these bad clams, you're the one who's going down.
03:50Cancel spring break or I'll destroy your beach.
03:53Fondly, the Unidumper.
03:55It's nothing.
03:59Ellen, you're a salty old sea biscuit.
04:11Do you know anything about clams?
04:13Notch, I've probably eaten over a hundred thousand clams in my day.
04:19Maybe a hair more.
04:21Well, what do you make of this one?
04:37Sand.
04:39Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
04:43Ooh, that's a bad clam, all right.
04:48There's only one thing that can make a clam go bad like that.
04:52Lack of ventilation?
04:54No, nuclear waste.
04:57Nuclear waste.
05:01Can you believe the chicks on this beach?
05:03Yeah!
05:04All right, check this out.
05:05I, Chad Jeremy, bet my BMW against your BMW that I can get any woman on this beach to go to Crabapalooza with me.
05:11Okay, Chad, how about Buffy?
05:18Buffy?
05:19She's a geek and a dog.
05:21Hey, Buffy, do you have a date to Crabapalooza?
05:24No, no I don't.
05:26Well, you'll get one if you put a bag over your head.
05:30Yeah, man, I want a challenge.
05:36Yeah!
05:37I want to get the hottest chick on this beach.
05:39Yeah!
05:40Yeah!
05:41I want to nail that girl.
05:43Whoa!
05:46Hey, he's so cute.
05:50Oh, my God, you guys.
05:52There's Chad Jeremy.
05:53He is so the bomb.
05:55Oh, I hope he asked me to Crabapalooza.
05:58There's that spaz, Buffy.
06:02Watch this.
06:03Hey, Buffy!
06:05Who are you going to Crabapalooza with?
06:09Well, I don't really have a date.
06:11Oh, well, I could fix you up.
06:14With a lab rat.
06:20I think I know how to get Chad Jeremy to notice me.
06:25I'm going into the ocean to get my nipples wet.
06:28Yeah, I'll be starting quarterback for the SUCMA Cox this year.
06:34I never met a paternity boy before.
06:37On account, I, I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.
06:40You didn't go to college?
06:42You sure fooled me.
06:47I know this is kind of quick, but would you go to Crabapalooza with me?
06:52Wow, Crabapalooza?
06:54That's the biggest night of spring break.
06:57I'm moving too fast.
06:58It's just that I drive a brand new BMW.
07:01No, it's not the speed, Chad.
07:03It's the thrill of being asked to Crabapalooza.
07:09I'd love to go.
07:14Oh, my God!
07:19What's going on here?
07:21This sorority girl washed up on shore.
07:23She's alive, but something's eating away at her skin.
07:25She looked like Satan's girlfriend, girlfriend.
07:28I put this towel on her because she's covered with schmutz.
07:31Let's get her up to headquarters.
07:33Even better, Kimberly.
07:34Let's get her up to headquarters.
07:35And when I find the person responsible for this,
07:38I am going to tell him a thing or two.
07:40And I'm going to make sure I have really bad breath.
07:43And I'm going to say, I failed you!
07:46Ha, ha, ha!
07:48Johnston, I am not going to let a few dead fish keep me out of the national spotlight.
08:05It's not about dead fish anymore.
08:07An injured girl washed up on shore.
08:09Her skin is awful.
08:10And her face looks like two miles of bad Autobahn.
08:13Chip, Chip.
08:14Ixnay on the Autobahnay, she's right behind the curtain.
08:18Stop wasting my time.
08:19I'm sure she's not as gruesome as you say she is.
08:21Okay, fine.
08:22But remember, when I pull back this curtain, act normal.
08:26We need to make her think nothing is wrong.
08:32Okay.
08:33Here goes.
08:40There, you see?
08:41Not so bad.
08:49Well, you're looking, uh...
08:56I'm so sorry.
09:25I'm so sorry, Mayor.
09:27Oh!
09:29Boy.
09:31It's a good thing I skipped lunch.
09:34I never dreamed something like this could happen.
09:37Hey, the best is yet to come.
09:39Crab-a-palooza, Saturday night.
09:40Oh, I'm so excited, Chad.
09:42I've been catching crabs all week.
09:45You know, BJ, it's a custom at Crab-a-palooza to have unprotected sex with the person you go with.
09:50I know.
09:52But, Chad, there's something I should tell you.
09:57Don't worry.
09:58I have herpes, too.
09:59No, I don't care about that.
10:01It's just that...
10:03I'm a...
10:05I'm a virgin.
10:08And I want to give it up, but to someone that really loves me.
10:17BJ, I love you.
10:28That's all I needed to hear.
10:30You know, you're gonna need some lingerie for Crab-a-palooza.
10:35You got any?
10:37Does Victoria have a secret?
10:39Absolutely yeah, thank you, experiment.
10:40ard.
10:41It's 100artz.
10:42Yes, the home.
10:43Annelt Agro, come on.
10:44You've ever experienced something new and they know how difficult it work.
10:45We don't have a Pegel-a-palooza.
10:46You've never experienced it.
10:47We had an elder bowl Gram.
10:48You've ever returned collect it.
10:49Yeah sorry, and that's time.
10:50You've never gotten this into the mud.
10:51Whatever worked.
10:52You've never changed it.
10:53Well, you've never cared for it.
10:54And so we knew the hell.
10:55Well, it was normal for you too.
10:56What just for us, so proud.
10:58We did not use you to get the night camp,
11:03Letots help you make here.
11:05You can look again for�� or go doce.
11:08Okay, Steve, but that serves as your treat for the day.
11:28Oh, hey, Kimberly.
11:29How's that girl with the funky-ass skin?
11:31Oh, it's horrible.
11:33She's going to be scarred for life.
11:34At least you got out of the cleanup process.
11:38I don't ever want to look at you people again.
11:43Just show me where I left my briefcase.
11:46You're in his ear, ma'am.
11:51Oh, I'll take that.
11:52Hey, what's this?
11:54The shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orging.
11:59Cancel spring break or I'll destroy your beach.
12:02Fondly, the Unidumper.
12:05Give me that.
12:06I've had enough of you people.
12:09Notch, we have to stop her.
12:12The Unidumper cut out those letters and the mayor's trying to cover it up.
12:15Nobody is going to dump a load in my ocean.
12:17We cannot poo-poo this, even if we have to pull double duty.
12:22Let's all go together.
12:25There is no way I'm losing this bet.
12:28So, BJ really thinks you love her?
12:30This chick is as dumb as a box of rocks.
12:34After Saturday night, I'm going to be driving two Beamers.
12:36Mine and yours.
12:38Yeah, right.
12:39Come on, boys.
12:40Let's go get drunk.
12:41Ellen, we have to tell these women to stop eating their clams.
12:51That's asking a lot, Notch.
12:53Excuse me.
12:54Can I talk to you for a second?
12:56Sure, little lady.
12:58What can I do you for?
12:59My name's Buffy, and I have a petition I'd like you to sign.
13:04Let's see.
13:05The shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orging, yada, yada, yada.
13:10Yeah, sure, I'll sign.
13:11I'd love to give you my gene, Hancock.
13:19Thank you so much.
13:22Whoa.
13:24Hey, what was that about?
13:25Oh, some petition to cancel spring break.
13:27You know, the shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orging.
13:30What?
13:31Notch, that's what the Unidumper's ransom note said.
13:34Come on!
13:38Make way for some room.
13:40Make way.
13:41You won't believe this, Skip.
13:43Oy vey, I want to plot.
13:45Look, Notch.
13:46Look what they did to poor Steve.
13:51It's one thing to make that sorority Hoochie all scaly and scabby,
13:54but when they pick on a poor, innocent puppy dog, it just...
13:58You're right, Jamaica.
14:00That's where we draw the line.
14:06Are you the number?
14:08It's Notch Johnson!
14:09You're history, man!
14:13Let's call.
14:14Let's call.
14:15Call, call, call, call, call, call.
14:19Evacuate the water.
14:20Evacuate the water.
14:22Otherwise, you will become scaly and scabby.
14:25Happy water!
14:26Yeah.
14:26Get out of your cars and get out of the house.
14:28Watch fast.
14:29The line is locked.
14:30Get out of the house.
14:31Get out of the house.
14:31Easy.
14:32The line is locked.
14:33Get out of your cars and get out of the house.
14:35Hey, Jay, we need to rap.
14:38Okay, but I'm not very good at rhyming.
14:41No, it's about Chad Jeremy.
14:45The only reason he asked you to crop a palooza is because he made a bed he could sleep with you.
14:50Don't kid me.
14:51Or jive me like that, Mika.
14:54I've fallen in love with Chad.
14:57Perfectly safe.
14:58Go back in the water.
14:59I overheard the whole thing.
15:02He's using you, girlfriend.
15:03No, he loves me.
15:05He told me so.
15:07You take that back.
15:08I wish I could, honey.
15:13I don't lie to my best friend.
15:16And I was going to let him go where no man has ever gone before.
15:21I know, honey.
15:22It's okay.
15:22I was going to give him my crabs.
15:28It's okay.
15:29Notch.
15:29Yeah?
15:30Ellen told us nuclear waste is causing this.
15:32What do you say I go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant?
15:35It's okay.
15:35Better yet, Kimberly.
15:36You go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant.
15:42Okay.
15:45Hey, Beej.
15:47Don't you Beej me.
15:49I found out about your little bet.
15:51Whoops.
15:52Guess I just lost a BMW.
15:53Unless you want to sleep with me anyway.
15:55I would never sleep with you.
15:57I don't care if you're a suck my cock.
16:00You're lost, bitch.
16:03I'm going to go take a swim.
16:04Makes my big package look even bigger.
16:07The ocean is closed, Chad.
16:10Not for me.
16:16It worked!
16:17Help!
16:19Try to hang on.
16:21Notch.
16:22I just came from the nuclear power plant.
16:25It turns out Buffy was a college intern there.
16:28They suspect her of stealing nuclear waste.
16:31And what's worse, they think she's taking a device that can blow up the plant.
16:37Calling all guards.
16:38Calling all guards.
16:40This is Notch Johnson requesting an A&P on Buffy the echo terrorist.
16:44Notch.
16:45It's me, Ellen.
16:46I just spotted Buffy at the marina.
16:48Okay, Ellen.
16:49I'm on it.
16:50You're not going anywhere, young lady.
16:59Oh!
17:00Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:03Oh!
17:03Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:05Oh!
17:05Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08That little gal can pack quite a wallop.
17:14I like it.
17:16Heidi McDaniel for MST Music and Sex Television.
17:19I'm talking to Anita Massengill, mayor of Malibu Adjacent.
17:23Mayor, Notch Johnson says the water is, like, way gross.
17:27Oh!
17:28Well, Heidi, as mayor of Malibu Adjacent, I can tell you there's been a slight problem.
17:32But you know our slogan.
17:34Come to Malibu Adjacent.
17:35You'll say, I can't believe it's not Malibu.
17:38There she is.
17:43She seems to have run out of gas.
17:49Notch, get the FBI out here.
17:51Kimberly, I've got a better idea.
17:53Something I saw on Walker.
17:55Texas Ranger.
17:56If you come any closer, I'll blow up half of California.
18:00Buffy, think about what you're doing.
18:02What are you going to tell your date for Crabapalooza?
18:04I don't have a date for Crabapalooza.
18:06A pretty girl like you doesn't have a date for Crabapalooza?
18:10I'm not pretty.
18:11I'm a geek.
18:12And I'm sick of not having any fun.
18:15Buffy, trust me.
18:16You are pretty.
18:18And there's nothing more important in life than being a pretty girl.
18:23Buffy, could we try a little experiment?
18:25Sure, I guess.
18:30Okay, take off your glasses and let down your hair.
18:46Whoa.
18:46Okay, one last thing.
18:50Could we see you in just your bathing suit?
19:00Now, could you lead on the side of the boat with your butt towards the sky and your legs spread?
19:06So just a shaft of sunlight comes through the pass.
19:12Well, a gal can dream, can't she?
19:15Now, Buffy, hand-notch the device.
19:21No!
19:22Ah!
19:23Ah!
19:24Ah!
19:24Ah!
19:25Ah!
19:25Ah!
19:26Ah!
19:27Ah!
19:27Ah!
19:28Ah!
19:28Ah!
19:29Ah!
19:29Ah!
19:30Ah!
19:31Ah!
19:32Ah!
19:33Ah!
19:34Ah!
19:35Ah!
19:36Ah!
19:39Back off!
19:40All I wanted was a date for Crabapalooza!
19:45But no boy is ever interested in me!
19:49Hey, let me ask you something.
19:52Does it have to be a boy?
19:54What are you saying?
19:56I'm saying, uh, how about going meatless for a while?
20:00Be my date for Crabapalooza.
20:02I am strangely attracted to that fat woman on the practice.
20:06Yes.
20:07I'd love to go to Crabapalooza with you.
20:10Crabapalooza with you.
20:11Okay.
20:12Crabapalooza with you.
20:13Crabapalooza with you.
20:14Crabapalooza with you.
20:15Okay.
20:16Crabapalooza with you.
20:17The
20:40Join the kids who have good looks at Spring Break, at Spring Break, at Spring Break, at Spring Break.
20:48Everyone's high as a kite. Sleep with a stranger tonight at Spring Break.
20:58You're on vacation, but you still take the test. If you get wild, you'll score the best.
21:04Drink yourself in case it's much too low. On the breath-o-meter, you need a 4.0 at Spring Break, at Spring Break, at Spring Break, at Spring Break.
21:16Everyone's high as a kite. Sleep with a stranger tonight at Spring Break.
21:34Hi, teens. Notch Johnson here. You know, tonight's show is really a homage to college, and especially the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
21:44Founded back in the late 1990s, the State University College at Malibu Adjacent offers three majors.
21:50Lifeguarding, micro-brew management, and, of course, gynecology.
21:55So if you're looking for an unaccredited college, make sure at the top of your list is the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
22:03Ready, gang?
22:05S-U-C-L-A! S-U-C-L-A! S-U-C-L-A! S-U-C-L-A!
22:09Suckma!
22:11So until next time, this is Notch Suckma Johnson saying, ride the big one.
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