- 10 hours ago
When an MIT-trained electronics wizard comes to the base to convert the 73 into a fully automated, remote-controlled vessel, McHale and the Crew fear that they may soon become obsolete. But they're reprieved, at the last minute, with help from a very unlikely source.
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00:00Don't change the subject.
00:07No aid in his right mind would let his commanding officer
00:09cite anything like this.
00:11That proves to me that you're stupid.
00:13You're incompetent.
00:14Look at me when I'm talking to you.
00:15I'll be with you in a minute.
00:17I...
00:17What do you want?
00:23What is that?
00:26Ensign Kwasniak, Eugene Jay,
00:28reporting for special assignments, sir.
00:31If you want, I'll come back.
00:33Oh, for the love...
00:34This is a naval officer?
00:36You look like a draft board reject.
00:39A Japanese draft board.
00:40Don't let these glasses fool you.
00:42I'm one of us.
00:43Oh, I doubt that very much.
00:46Something tells me this war is going worse
00:49than they're letting on.
00:50You are an absolute disgrace.
00:52Now you are still supposed to be standing at attention.
00:54Now snap two.
00:55Shoulders back, chest out.
00:56Come on, suck that gun in, suck it in.
00:58What dare you man handle this magnificent specimen
01:02of a naval officer?
01:03What's the matter with you?
01:04But, sir, you just said that he was one of the lords.
01:06Edson, tell me,
01:08are you really an electronics expert?
01:10I mean, can you really do the things
01:12that it says you can do in here?
01:14Captain,
01:14when a man stands number one in his class at MIT,
01:18you must assume that he knows more than a few cheers
01:20and how to swallow goldfish.
01:22How to swallow goldfish.
01:24That's cute.
01:25Tell me, assuming this theory works...
01:30But it's no theory.
01:32I can make a PT boat operate by remote control.
01:35That is a scientific fact.
01:37Well, a boat such as that,
01:41it wouldn't need a crew, would it?
01:43Or a commander?
01:45Absolutely nobody.
01:46You might just as well ship them out.
01:49Now, do you have a boat I can use for the test?
01:54Oh, do I have a boat that you can use?
01:56Oh, do I?
01:58You're going to love this boat.
01:59I didn't think I was going to like you,
02:01but you're a nice man.
02:02You're going to love it.
02:03Oh, come on.
02:04Hey,
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03:27It's all right, sailor. You see, this is my boat. I'm Commander McHale.
03:30Gee, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Commander. The captain's orders.
03:33Oh. Well, what's all that electrical gear for?
03:37Well, I don't know. It belongs to Ensign Kwasniak.
03:40Kwasniak who?
03:40Kwa-Kwasniak. Now, sir, I'm just going to have to ask you to move on.
03:43Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, okay. All right.
03:45Oh, Skip, are you back so soon?
03:59I've been keeping a pretty good eye on, uh, lead bottle's not coming back, uh...
04:03Skip, uh...
04:07Oh, hoot, hoot, hoot, you, you goofball.
04:10What are you doing, snooping around here now?
04:12Start talking. Where's McHale?
04:14Well, I ain't just kidding.
04:15If you are afternoon, Captain, well, what seems to be the trouble, sir?
04:18Oh, there you are, McHale.
04:19Now, what are you doing, snooping around here?
04:20Uh, pardon me, sir.
04:21You keep out of this.
04:22I'm getting an ace off, Captain.
04:23After all, you can't blame me for wanting to know what's happening to my boat.
04:27I told you what is happening to your boat.
04:29It's an equipment change.
04:30Now, you get back to your island, and you quit nosing around here.
04:33Uh, pardon me, sir. Speaking of noses, could you not go by your bending it?
04:37Or you...
04:37Shut up.
04:38Now, you get out of here on the double, McHale.
04:40Will you take Pinocchio here with you?
04:41Yes, sir.
04:43Bye-bye, sir. Bye.
04:46I'm sorry, Skip. I tried to signal you, but you ever try to make a sound like an owl
04:49when somebody's holding your nose?
04:50Hip, hip, hip.
04:52He sounds more like a duck.
04:58How are you coming along, Kwasney?
05:01If I have no further interruptions, I will have the master control
05:04completely set up by 0900 tomorrow as planned.
05:08Oh, good, good, good.
05:09I talked to Admiral Hardesty, and he and his staff will be here tomorrow to watch the test.
05:14Now, this is our big chance, boy, so, uh, don't goof it.
05:18Why do you hate me?
05:19I don't hate you. I like you. I like you.
05:21He hates me.
05:28And a dash of iodine really worked.
05:31This tastes like 20-year-old scotch.
05:34Oh, for the love of Pete.
05:36I hear we got the trouble of all time, and you eight balls are celebrating.
05:42Hey, what'd you find out over at the main bay, Skip?
05:44Ah, nothing much, except that they got some electronic wizard by the name of, uh,
05:47Ensign Kwasneyak, who's having a field day messing around in 73.
05:53We also found out something else.
05:55Binghamton's got the strongest fingers in the world.
05:57If I know it's a letter, it'll be the same.
05:58He had a hold of it right here.
06:00Sums up for sure.
06:01Well, Skip, what are we gonna do?
06:02Well, I know one thing we gotta do.
06:03We gotta grab a hold of that boy, genius Kwasneyak, and pump him for all he's worth.
06:08Yeah, but Binghamton's got a guard covering him like a shadow.
06:11I know, I know.
06:12That's why this calls for top-level strategy.
06:15Ha-ha!
06:16Plan G, to be exact.
06:18Oh, Sam.
06:19Come on, line up. Let's see the legs. Let's see the legs.
06:23Come on, come on.
06:24Come on up with him.
06:25That's a quick cover.
06:26Food's not you.
06:28Here, you call that a leg?
06:29Thanks.
06:30Never in a million years.
06:31Too muscular.
06:33Tinker, looks like you're it, boy.
06:36Oh, not me. Why is it always me?
06:42Help!
06:43Help! Oh, please, come quickly. Please, come quickly.
06:47There's a prowler in the nurse's quarters.
06:49I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't. I'm on guard duty.
06:52Oh, please help. The nurses are so frightened.
06:54They were just getting out of their uniform.
06:55Oh, is it an emergency?
06:57Oh, come, oh, come. Follow me or I'll never forget you from this.
06:59You're going to get a promotion.
07:12Ensign Pleasant.
07:13Ah!
07:13What are you men doing here?
07:17Captain Biggum said I wouldn't be interrupted.
07:19It's all right. It's all right, Ensign.
07:21You see, I'm Commander McHale and this is Ensign Parker.
07:24We're from the 73, the boat you're working on.
07:26And we're a little bit concerned, you see.
07:29Well...
07:29Well, now, you see, Ensign, as Captain of the 73,
07:33you can't blame me for being curious about the work that you're doing.
07:36So, sorry, but this is top secret.
07:40Captain Biggum said I shouldn't be interrupted.
07:42Well, now, isn't that just like the Captain?
07:44always worried about that that kind of security and technical stuff say chuck doesn't this kind
07:53of remind you of that gizmo that we captured uh a little while ago from the nips you know kind
07:58of complicated and all it does i mean it does it does well yeah cute little gizmo about that high
08:04yeah yeah only we can't get it to do anything you know we thought maybe if you took a look at it
08:09hey i've always wanted to see some japanese equipment yeah you know i don't get very close
08:14to the war darn them those nips are sneaky you know oh i don't mean the nips i mean the pentagon
08:20they never let me go near the front lines oh if i ever got in combat i could be a tiger
08:27that just gives you an idea it does yeah i'll bet you're the fastest screwdriver in the west
08:36i'm getting like him yeah i say you want to take a look at that machine come on we better get going
08:42but what if captain bingerman comes to see me and finds that i'm not at my job well he'll be very
08:46upset don't worry don't worry don't worry mr parker will come up for you sure why if he shows up i'd
08:52hey wait a minute if he shows up now easy does it easy if the old lead bottom comes you just don't
08:58open the door make believe you're asleep come on let's get up
09:00my transmitter i can't let this out of my side take it quaz take it boy
09:07quaz do you know one's ever called me that before
09:11oh i brought the machine you think it's some kind of a secret device or something
09:15yeah what is it we can't figure it out what's it supposed to do
09:18oh yeah the machine well it's really quite primitive through an evaporation process
09:24a liquid base condenses here and gravitates through this coil to a central dissemination duct
09:30here well i do declare in plain language it's a still
09:35still no beg pardon sir but do you mean this device makes alcoholic beverages
09:43what's wrong you say well well tell me quaz do you think you'd get it get it to work i mean it's
09:52just a secret scientific experiment well it's mere child's play all i have to do is improvise a heat
10:01induction coil wrap it around this copper tubing attach it to my transmitter thus triggering the
10:08distillative processes wow how about that is heat terrific no no no no that's pretty complicated
10:14for us layman quaz yeah there must be an easier way to heat up this rig i mean still oh yeah there
10:20must be heat heat heat we've got to have heat come on guys think i've got it a fire all we need is a
10:33simple fire oh my god son of a gun you're beautiful bring in the fire boys
10:39oh boy the skips back thank goodness i'm beginning to worry
10:46ah quaz the egg what's going on in there open up please captain binghamton
10:52what are you doing in bed so early
11:22come on super brain get up out of there come on
11:24it's you parker oh hi captain i was just listening to the radio
11:34that's right you boob what have you done with that other boob mikhail's kidnapped him right
11:38no sir no sir they didn't do that they didn't do that you're going with me we're going over to
11:44that kidnapper's lair they call mikhail's island if he's there you're gonna sit this war out
11:48in an electric chair
11:50here you go quaz old pal old buddy drink up
12:00you are kind of egghead
12:03bet you'd even let the old tiger go with the combat with you in the combat
12:10oh sure anytime except uh kill you forget one thing we don't have a boat remember
12:16that's right stupid electric charisma stupid remote control
12:22what'd you say did you say remote control is that what you're putting on the 73
12:30yes sir this stupid box gonna put all us fighting men out of jobs
12:37jobs uh about this remote control uh it doesn't work does it say it doesn't work
12:45i'll say it but i'll be telling a big fib
12:48a little electric power from the radio oh radio radio come right over here here here
13:01let's do it yeah i'll prove it okay it's a very good instrument okay and i can prove that
13:08now first you gotta be very careful you gotta set the frequency frequency now we set the frequency
13:14all right sailor cast off those lines on the double
13:22parker yeah you'll start those engines without permission
13:28well i can touch it your eyes won't look no hands
13:31through the toga it's all i had full
13:37this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen in my life this boat is steering itself i can't even turn the wheel
13:47this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen in my life this boat is steering itself i can't even turn the wheel
13:56this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen in my life this boat is steering itself i can't even turn the wheel
14:00halt you boat you halt i command you this is your captain speaking
14:06parker stop the boat stop it well if it won't stop for a captain why should we stop for an ensign stop it
14:12Stop. Stop us.
14:21Oh, shut it, don't burn it.
14:23That Kwasniak trying to do something with this crummy old garbage gal.
14:27Kwas, do you mean that right now you're actually running the 73?
14:32Absolutely positively.
14:35Well, now I make the guns go boom, boom.
14:40Cut.
14:44Well, I just...
14:47I didn't mean it. I take it back.
14:54I didn't mean it.
14:58I love the 73. I think you're beautiful.
15:01You're gorgeous. I'm flipping your wheels.
15:05I didn't know a boat could hit somebody.
15:08I am a friend. I am a friend.
15:11And a left rat-a-boop-dee-doo.
15:14And a right rat-a-boop-dee-doo.
15:17No, no, no, please. I ain't mean it. I'll never stay wearing against the 73 again.
15:24I know you hate the captain, but what do you got against me?
15:27I'm your ransom. I'm your ransom.
15:30Pease, porridge, half speed. Pease, porridge, full speed. Pease, porridge, half speed.
15:36He can't be running the 73.
15:39He's got to be pulling our legs.
15:40It's just not possible.
15:42Okay, Quash, you can cut it off now. We've seen enough.
15:45But I haven't gotten it up to the dock yet.
15:47What are you talking about?
15:49What dock?
15:50What dock?
15:52Hey, Skip, look!
15:54What?
15:55What's the 73? And as it's pulling in, there's nobody on it.
16:00What the heck? He actually brought it in.
16:03That thing really works.
16:05Hey, hey, hey!
16:10Hey, Skip, we did it! That gizmo of this works!
16:21Hey, that's exactly what's gonna cook our goose, too.
16:24You can say that again, McHale.
16:29Well, it looks like this is the end of the line.
16:34Yeah. In another half hour, the old 73 goes out under her own power.
16:39And out we go under our own power.
16:41That treat Binghamton will spread us out over the whole South Pacific.
16:45I guess you guys better turn around. I'd hate to have you see an Ensign cry.
16:48I've gone it! I don't know about you guys, but by golly, we're not gonna give up without a fight!
16:53Well, what can we do, Skip?
16:55Well, Skip, do you think there's some way out of this mess?
16:57Oh, I don't know. But I've been thinking.
16:59Say, Willie, didn't Quaz say that he was transmitting those remote control signals on 112 kilocycles?
17:07112, that's right, Skip.
17:09Well, what if somebody was to transmit on the exact same frequency?
17:13Wouldn't that tend to jam up his remote control signals to the 73?
17:17Yeah, it sure would!
17:19Skip, that's beautiful! We get out of this jam by jamming!
17:22Hey, that's a great idea! I'll jam up that radio jam...
17:26We don't have a radio.
17:28Hey, the operator here on the main side's a buddy of mine.
17:30If I could only get to him, maybe he'd let me at the equipment.
17:32Oh, that's exactly what I wanted to hear, boy.
17:35Now, tell me. Tell me if I'm wrong.
17:37Look, when the guards come, Willie, you hide in that locker.
17:41The rest of us will take the duffel...
17:43Hup, hip, ho, hup, hip, ho, detail, hob, hob, hob, lift, hey!
18:00Well, we're just about set, Admiral.
18:02Um, I've worked out quite a test here today.
18:05I'm going to put the 73 through every maneuver in the book by remote control,
18:09and then for the big finish, I'm going to, uh...
18:11Binghamton, you keep saying I.
18:13I recall sending an Ensign Kwasniak to run this thing.
18:16Oh, did I say I? I don't know. I meant me.
18:19Uh, we.
18:20Kwasniak's been quite a help.
18:22Oh, quite a help, yes.
18:23In fact, I better see how I was getting along.
18:25Would you excuse me, sir?
18:27Only real friends I ever had, and I'm getting them shipped out.
18:31They called me Kwas.
18:33Nobody ever called me Kwas.
18:35It was always Kwasniak.
18:37Kwasniak.
18:38Always Kwasniak.
18:40What are you mumbling about? Are you ready? The Admiral's waiting.
18:44I wish I was dead.
18:46Stop that kind of talk. You stop it right away and get on with this test.
18:49And nothing better go wrong. You read me? Nothing.
18:51Don't make me nervous.
18:53We'll go at exactly 0900 hours, Admiral.
19:04Uh, four, three, two, one, zero. All ahead full.
19:11There goes the old 73 again. Out on our own.
19:24That makes you feel unwanted.
19:26If he doesn't make that Radio Shack, we're gunners.
19:28Well, he'll make it. He'll make it. He's just got to make it.
19:36Isn't that wonderful, Admiral? Isn't that wonderful? Look how smoothly she's running.
19:39No crew. No McHale. No crew.
19:41Will you belay that, Binghamton? I'm trying to watch this test.
19:44Oh, Admiral. Admiral. Here comes the target plane now. You'll really get the chance to see her in action.
20:02Start that jammin', Willie. Come on, Willie. Where are you, boy?
20:06Where are you, boy?
20:32What in the blazes?
20:33Bailton, you're about to have shot down the target plane.
20:39I was throwing the test. That monkey is throwing the test.
20:42That's neat. We made it.
20:45What's going on there? What's wrong?
20:47I'm sorry, son, but there's interference on the frequency. Something's jamming it.
20:51Well, you better unjam it and fast, you nitwit.
20:54I'm trying, son.
20:56Hey, look at the 73's heading in. The boat is coming this way. Do something, you numbskull, you dodo.
21:07Sticks and stones may break my boat.
21:09Relay that answer and bring that boat under control.
21:11Aye, aye, sir. And names will never happen.
21:13That Willie is beautiful. What a job he's doing.
21:26Stop those guns, you fool. We'll all be killed.
21:29I'm trying, I'm trying. The Dante's appearance has turned off the frequency control.
21:35It gives you such a tearache.
21:36Holy jumping head. The 73's attacking the base.
21:50Well, I don't blame her. Her feelings are probably hurt.
21:52Oh, Willie must have blipped.
21:54He's gonna get a tearache.
21:57It's a tearache.
21:59Holy jumping head.
22:01The 73's attacking the base.
22:03Well, I don't blame her. Her feelings are probably hurting.
22:04Oh, Willie, Mr. Blair, he's going to get us all killed.
22:07When are you going to say that again?
22:08Hey, Willie, am I glad to see you at...
22:10What are you doing here?
22:11Sorry, Skip, I couldn't get in the radio shack.
22:13There was a Yankee on duty.
22:15Then who was in...
22:16Boy, somebody's short doing a heck of a job of jamming.
22:21Hey, you guys, keep your heads down.
22:23Go on.
22:29Holy jumping.
22:30Cross, can't you stop her?
22:32I'm trying to, son.
22:33The whole board's gone haywire.
22:35McKayla, don't stop her.
22:37She's your fault and she's trying to kill us.
22:38That's mutiny.
22:41I'll look it up, sir.
22:42Jump and...
22:43Here, let's unplug her.
22:44Come on, cross.
22:45Oh, good idea, sir.
22:54There.
22:59McKayla, you're responsible for this.
23:01You're trying to kill us all.
23:02Now, wait a minute, sir.
23:03It's a 73 again, Admiral.
23:07I told you, that boat is a traitor.
23:10What in those places?
23:13Hey, Admiral, we're under attack.
23:16Look at that nip's up.
23:18That must have been jamming my frequency.
23:21I heard they fight dirty.
23:23But this machine matter is...
23:26Get up off the deck and do something.
23:29Admiral, Admiral, it's a 73 hours again.
23:31Indeed it is.
23:32I never should have fooled with that thing in the first place.
23:34Come on, boys.
23:34Let's scramble.
23:35Let's go.
23:37Come on, come on.
23:38Wait, I'll get something dead.
23:42Kill, kill, kill.
23:43Come on, Tiger.
23:44Let's go.
23:45Gentlemen, I give you our old buddy Quaz.
23:58May he have a safe journey back to the States.
24:01And here's to his remote-controlled gizmo.
24:05May it pass the test someday, somehow, and somewhere else.
24:08Oh, no.
24:09Hey, Foach, come on with a beer, will you?
24:17Don't call it.
24:18Come on.
24:23Skip, look.
24:28What in the places?
24:31Hey, Foach, how'd you make this up?
24:33Ah, you forget, Skipper-san.
24:37I'm number one in class at Yokohama High.
24:40Oh, yeah!
24:41Oh, yeah!
24:41Oh, yeah!
24:41Oh, yeah!
25:10The End
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