- 13 hours ago
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00:00I'll see you next time
00:30Oh
00:40Come on, Dougal turn off the video. Okay, Ted. That's a great show though, isn't it? He's mad, isn't he?
00:46I don't believe it. He says
00:52Which one were you watching what?
00:55Which episode of one foot in the grave were you watching? Huh?
01:00You've just finished watching it. Do you not remember anything from us? I don't believe it. That's what he says
01:08Hurry up. We're off to the mainland. Hooray! Why?
01:12We have to go to the betting shop to collect my winnings 200 pounds on father Liam Rice in the limbo competition
01:18What they don't know is there's something wrong with his back and he always walks like that. I
01:24Don't believe it
01:26I
01:28Don't believe it
01:32Do you better get that mended? There's a hole there in the top of your tank top really Ted. I don't believe it
01:39Brilliant
01:41Can we go to the caves then after we go to the betting shop can we go can we please please please please please please
01:46All right, we go to the caves fantastic going to the caves. I don't believe it
01:51Here we are now
01:53I don't believe it
01:55Drink! Not now father. We're going to the opticians in Roundskin. Remember to get you a nice pair of glasses
02:01We should all be very careful on the mainland. There's a lot of crime around
02:13Arsonists and muggers everywhere. My friend mrs. O'Dwyer was robbed last week. Oh, no. Did they get much?
02:19No father. I don't think you understand. She was robbed. They stole her
02:27It's a terrible thing when an old person can't even walk down the street for fear of being stolen
02:31It is
02:37Come on do well. I don't want any accidents
02:40Here's mrs. Dineen father. You can drop me off here. Right so
02:47Hello father Crilly. Hello mrs. Dineen. Will we go to the tea shop mrs. Dineen? We can have a bit of a chat there
02:54Right so bye now
03:01God Dougal could you imagine spending any more time with those?
03:13Oh 200 big ones Dougal
03:18What?
03:21Oh God Ted. I'm so happy. The sun's out and we're in an opticians
03:26It doesn't get any better than this
03:28God Ted. I just remembered something. I forgot to have any breakfast
03:37We'll get something later. Don't worry. Oh God Ted. I'm so hungry
03:42There's no chance. I couldn't die could I from the hunger
03:46I don't think so. Not for a couple of hours anyway
03:49I'm finished now father
03:55Well I must say I'm confused his eyesight seems to be better than ever before
04:00He read right down to the very last line and even I can't see that one
04:08I think I know what happened you see father Jack has a great fondness for saying that particular word
04:13Oh I didn't know. It's the first time I've used that eye chart actually I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg
04:20Hey, do you have anything to eat? Like a plate of chips or a burger or a few chops?
04:24I'm out of my head with the hunger
04:26No, I'll just get the other chart
04:29So what happened to his last pair of glasses?
04:31No idea. He was gone out of the house for a few minutes when he came back they were gone. He can't seem to hold on to a pair
04:38Dougal you forgot your scarf
04:40Er, fathers this is gonna take some time.
04:45Oh, right. We'll head off. So come on Dougal we'll go to the caves. Hooray!
05:01caves now father this chart was given to me by Slovakia's premier lens
05:07manufacturers that course industries
05:14you remember mrs. Kiernan she was on her way to the shop the other day and a man
05:20came over to her and killed her and stole her pen
05:24well they think so they're keeping her in for tests well you know what happened
05:32told mr. Sweeney some young fellas broke into his house and started messing with
05:37them and they put a bra on them oh god poor mr. Sweeney he wouldn't like that at
05:45all I heard there were over 200 cases of forced transvestism involving mr.
05:51Sweeney last year terrible what's the world coming to
05:56steady boom right now one more steady
06:08look what is it it's that actor who you know yes your man from one foot in the
06:22grave tea I do believe it man oh god that's amazing look from there do you know he'd
06:32love well he'd love it if somebody came up to him and said his catchphrase oh yeah
06:38Ted he'd love that you should definitely do that
06:41should I oh yeah I'd say no one ever does that to him he think you're hilarious you
06:47know this is one of these times when I'm absolutely 100 million percent sure that
06:51you'd be doing the right thing I can safely say you definitely definitely won't
06:56regret doing that I'm going to do it brilliant we like yeah go on pull the
07:02come on
07:04come on
07:09come on
07:11come on
07:16hey don't believe it
07:19Lidl!
07:49I'll tell you, I'll kill you!
08:09Well, what did he say? Did he laugh?
08:12No, no, no, no, not really. I'm going to sit down now.
08:16Oh, God, no. I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes.
08:20I didn't know my own strength.
08:23I heard his arm snap,
08:25and then it was just a case of lying on top of him
08:29until the filth arrived.
08:33We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle. I'll get this.
08:36Oh, no, Mrs Dineen. Put that away. I'll get this.
08:39No, now, don't be silly. I'll pay.
08:42You won't. Put that away.
08:45Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle.
08:47No, no, no, no.
08:49Now, just put your money away.
08:51You're mad.
08:53No, no, no, no.
08:55Just put it away.
08:56No, no, no, no, no.
08:57Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
08:58Oh!
08:59Oh!
09:00Oh!
09:01Ha-ah-ah-ah!
09:02Oh!
09:03Hold on, young boy.
09:04No, no, no, no, no.
09:05Oh!
09:09That's a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
09:10This is a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
09:14Drink!
09:44Take the money! Take the money away!
09:47I'm writing a chair!
09:49No, you're not! No, you're not!
09:52I am!
09:54Hello, police!
09:57That's right. Absolutely. We understand.
10:01At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
10:05Yes!
10:08Yes!
10:15Yes. All I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
10:19Drink!
10:22I didn't give a damn about my wife, our kids.
10:25Yeah!
10:27No. With all of your help, I'm coming through it.
10:31I'm just taking it one day at a time.
10:34That's good.
10:38Thank you, Ronald.
10:40Now, I noticed that we have a new member of the group with us today.
10:44Father, would you like to tell us your story?
10:54Drink!
10:59Drink!
11:03Drink!
11:04It's so true. So true.
11:16And this rock here is actually granite.
11:18How long would that be there?
11:20Oh, many millions of years.
11:22Really? As long as that?
11:24That is fascinating.
11:26How come all the rocks are different sizes?
11:30Well, you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
11:34Wow!
11:35I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
11:40Of course, at this time, most of this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
11:44How did everyone breathe?
11:46Some sort of apparatus.
11:48All right.
11:49Wow! Look at that rock over there!
11:51Well, this is actually the oldest part of our tour.
11:54This particular cave was formed more than 15 million years ago.
11:57Wow!
11:58I don't believe it.
12:01You again!
12:03Get out of here!
12:04I don't want to see you again!
12:05I don't want to see you again!
12:06I don't want to see you again!
12:08Last time!
12:12That path's not open to the...
12:14Oh, Mr. Wilson, could I just say how sorry...
12:17No, that's all right, that's all right.
12:19As long as I don't know how to hear that bloody catchphrase again.
12:23I don't believe it!
12:25I don't believe it!
12:26I don't believe it!
12:30I'm sure we came in this way.
12:32Oh, Ted. I'm so hungry, I'm beginning to hallucinate.
12:35Now, Doobly, don't exaggerate.
12:37And stop worrying. We'll get out of here no time.
12:41Let's try this way.
12:46Hey, what's that?
12:47What's what?
12:48Ooh!
12:51Ahhhh!
12:54Tids!
12:59I see a little silhouette of a...
13:02Ceremonauts! Ceremonauts!
13:03Will you do the fandango?
13:05Thunderbolt and lightning?
13:06Very, very frightening!
13:08Galileo!
13:09Galileo!
13:10Galileo!
13:11Galileo!
13:12Figaro!
13:13Magnifico!
13:14I'm just a poor boy.
13:15Nobody loves me.
13:16He's just a poor boy from a poor family.
13:19Save from his life, from this monstrosity.
13:21Easy come, easy go!
13:23Will you let me go?
13:24Pass me la, no!
13:25Let me go!
13:26Pass me la, will not let you go!
13:27Let me go!
13:28Pass me la, will not let you go!
13:29Let me go!
13:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
13:34Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, let me go!
13:36Beelzebub, let the devil push aside for me!
13:40For me!
13:42For me!
13:43As I was saying, I think the thing to do is to try and find an exit before the caves close for the evening.
13:56Good idea, Father.
13:57How long have you been in here?
13:59Two days now, Father.
14:00At least, I think it's two days.
14:02We've been having a great laugh.
14:07Well, I just think that actually everyone would like to get out of here and get something to eat and get home.
14:13Who can screech the loudest?
14:15Hmm?
14:16Let's have a screeching competition!
14:18I'll go first.
14:19Ahh!
14:21Jerry Fields, your go.
14:23I'd rather not, Father.
14:24Oh, go on!
14:25Ahh!
14:26Tony, be easy!
14:27I really think we should think about trying to get out here.
14:30Oh, God, Ted.
14:31Maybe you're right.
14:32If we don't get out, we might have to eat each other.
14:35You know, like in that film Alive, where they get into the plane crash and then they have to eat all their friends.
14:41Hmm?
14:42Look, look, here's me eating Tony.
14:43Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
14:45And Tony would be going,
14:47Oh no, get off me, I'm not dead yet!
14:50And I'd be going,
14:52But I'm hungry, Tony!
14:54And Tony would be going,
14:55Oh no, go away, go away, go away!
14:57Wouldn't you, Tony?
14:58Ah!
14:59Oh!
15:00Here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony!
15:04Ooh!
15:07Oh, oh, oh.
15:08Why did you eat Tony?
15:09Tony was our only son!
15:11And then, I'd be at the funeral.
15:14And I'd be going,
15:16Oh, better not show my head.
15:17Will you shut up?
15:18Will you?
15:19Will you please shut up?
15:21WILL YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
15:31Well...
15:35Well, I've never...
15:37I've never...
15:40Tony...
15:42I'm putting you on my list of enemies.
15:49There.
15:51You're in for it now, Tony.
15:54Ha! Only joking! Look what I've really written!
16:00Come on! Let's have someone else for the screeching competition!
16:03Janine Riley! Oh, she'd love a girl! Go on, it's easy!
16:10I really wouldn't do that, Noel.
16:15Seriously, Noel!
16:22APPLAUSE
16:27So, it was me, Father Paulus and Father Duggan.
16:31And you'd think, wouldn't you, that someone like Chris Evans
16:34wouldn't want to hang around with the likes of us!
16:37And you'd be right!
16:39He didn't want to hang around with us at all!
16:42Ted...
16:43Mmm...
16:44I'm going mad.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:48Yes, sorry Noel, but are you not worried about being trapped under that big pile of rocks?
16:51Not at all!
16:53She wants you here to keep me company!
16:55And the youth group will be back with help at any moment!
16:57They said they were just going to find the tour guide, tell him I was buried under a big pile of rocks, and come right back!
17:03That's four tickets to Paraguay!
17:06LAUGHTER
17:08But I liked The English Patient!
17:11Mmm!
17:12Very confusing and far-fetched, and very, very boring!
17:16It was my kind of film!
17:18Mmm!
17:19Ooh, ooh!
17:20And I liked The Piano as well!
17:22Did you see Harvey Guitel running around in the nip?
17:26Did you see that, Ted?
17:31Ted?
17:33Ted?
17:35I hate leaving Noel, but we're doing him no good sitting around listening to him screech.
17:38At least you'll be safe under that big pile of rocks.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43Let's just get ourselves out and we can worry about Noel then.
17:45God, where is this exit?
17:49Aaaaah!
17:51Ted!
17:52Me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56What?
17:58It's after unravelling.
18:01Oh, my God!
18:03Dougal!
18:06We can find our way back with this.
18:08You've obviously snagged her on something.
18:10If we use this, we can find our way out.
18:12Oh, thank God, Dougal!
18:14We'll be out in no time!
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Ted, should you be winding it up like that, or should we not be following it?
18:20What?
18:21Well, what use will it be when you're finished winding it up?
18:23LAUGHTER
18:26I... I don't believe it!
18:28I don't believe it!
18:29I don't believe it!
18:30I don't believe it!
18:31I don't believe it!
18:32I don't believe it!
18:33I don't believe it!
18:34I don't believe it!
18:35I don't believe it!
18:36I don't believe it!
18:37I don't believe it!
18:38I don't believe it!
18:39I don't believe it!
18:40I don't believe it!
18:41I don't believe it!
18:42I don't believe it!
18:43I don't believe it!
18:44I don't believe it!
18:45I don't believe it!
18:46DRINK!
18:47DRINK!
18:48DRINK!
18:49DRINK!
18:50DRINK!
18:51DRINK!
18:52DRINK!
18:53DRINK!
18:54DRINK!
18:55DRINK!
18:56DRINK!
18:57DRINK!
18:58DRINK!
19:06Don't do it, Father.
19:08I won't let you do it.
19:09I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for that.
19:16Oh, thank God.
19:22Excuse me, there's someone buried in the caves.
19:24He's all right, but I really think you should get somebody in there quickly.
19:28Please hurry.
19:29Come on, Dougal.
19:30I want to get away before they rescue him.
19:46Come on, Dougal.
19:48Relax.
19:49The food will be here in a minute.
19:55Hello?
19:56Hello.
19:57Is that Father Crilly?
19:58Yes, this is him.
19:59We've been trying to contact you all night.
20:01Do you know a Mrs. Doyle?
20:03First name, Mrs.
20:05Doyle.
20:08Do I know a Mrs.
20:11Doyle?
20:12Yes, yes, she's our housekeeper.
20:17Well, I need you to come down to the police station.
20:19She's been in a spot of trouble.
20:21Now, Mrs. Janine, if there's a fine or anything, I'll pay it.
20:26No, no, no.
20:27OK, thank you, Father.
20:29No, no, no, no.
20:31OK, thank you, Father.
20:36Father Hackish!
20:39Come on, Dougal.
20:40You're not going to be able to eat that.
20:41No.
20:42We have to get Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Dineen.
20:45And Father Jack out of prison.
20:47Come on.
20:52I'm very, very sorry.
20:59You wouldn't have a lasagne or a chicken curry or something like that.
21:03No.
21:04OK.
21:05Well, maybe I'll just have a bag of chips.
21:06And I could have a fanta orange as well, please.
21:09I don't think you know where you are.
21:10This is a police station.
21:12Right.
21:13In that case, I'll just have the chicken satay and pilo rice.
21:18I just hope you don't think this type of thing goes on all the time.
21:20We're not all criminals and troublemakers in the church, you know.
21:24I hope this won't put you off going to mass.
21:26I'm a Protestant, actually, Father.
21:28Really?
21:31It's a straight choice, Father.
21:33Either they pay a £200 fine or they spend the night in the cells.
21:38Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.
21:43Maybe in the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better one.
21:49Tay, shut up, Dougal.
21:51No, Tay.
21:52Dougal, be quiet.
21:53I was just...
21:54All right.
21:55All right.
21:56Here.
21:57Here.
21:58Here's your blood money.
21:59But just let me say this.
22:00There was a time when the police in this country were friends in the church.
22:02Drunk driving charges quashed.
22:03Parking tickets torn up.
22:05Even a blind eye turd to the odd murder.
22:07But now.
22:08I knew you were satisfied.
22:09I gave him the money.
22:10Ted, Ted, why don't you give him the £200 of one of the best?
22:13Well, I did.
22:14There.
22:15Happy?
22:16Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of real people.
22:21Thank you so much.
22:24Right.
22:25To be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.
22:27I was just going to say your fly's open.
22:29God, Dougal.
22:30What did I say?
22:31There's always trouble when I go to the mainland.
22:32I must make a note of never ever going back there again.
22:36Unless it's completely unavoidable.
22:37Which it isn't.
22:38Unfortunately.
22:39.
22:40.
22:41.
22:42.
22:43.
22:44.
22:45.
22:46God, Dougal.
22:47What did I say?
22:48There's always trouble when I go to the mainland.
22:49I must make a note of never ever going back there again.
22:51Unless it's completely unavoidable.
22:53.
22:54.
22:55.
22:56.
22:57.
22:58.
22:59.
23:00.
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23:32.
23:33Fat-bottomed girls, they make the rockin' world go round.
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