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00:00I think it was some ancient Greek philosopher who first said that in order to be happy, you should live your life in strict moderation.
00:09That means not too much of what you do like and not too much of what you don't like, just straight down the middle.
00:13It's like this.
00:15Eat as much of your favorite ice cream as you can possibly stand.
00:19Then, when you're a scoop away from hurling, back off.
00:25Stay in the sun long enough to match toast.
00:27But hit the shade once you start to look like a killer tomato.
00:35Spend as much of your clothing budget as you can on trendy shoes.
00:38But hold up on that up-to-minute pair that'll land you in dorkville next week.
00:44Personally, I think moderation is okay, but only in moderation.
00:49The point is, to do more of what you want to do, less of what you don't want to do, and then convince your parents to let you do it.
00:56Is moderation overrated?
00:58Well, I'll let you know, because I'm about to indulge in way too much of a good thing.
01:02I'm going to watch 24 hours of Total TV.
01:05Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
01:29Na-na-na-na-na
01:33All right, all right
01:35Na-na-na-na-na
01:38Na-na-na-na-na-na
01:41Hey, cool
01:43Na-na-na-na-na
01:46Na-na-na-na-na
01:50Na-na-na-na-na-na
01:54Just do it
01:56Okay, thanks to Mr. Fudstein, homework is about to be as easy as watching TV
02:04We've been assigned to study an ordinary object to figure out how to improve it
02:10I've chosen television, natch
02:12Mr. Fudstein says the only way to know your subject is to completely immerse yourself in it
02:17So in order to improve TV, I've decided to watch it for 24 hours straight
02:21Hey, anything in the name of science
02:24I know the ancient Greeks said all things in moderation, but that's because they didn't have remote control or cable guides
02:30Can you imagine life in pre-TV B.C.?
02:33So, Dadopolis, what are we going to do tonight?
02:42Well, Sportopolis, I thought we could study astronomy for a while and then discuss philosophy
02:48Until it was too dark to see
02:50Sounds great
02:51Or we could do some painting on this pottery
02:54Pass me a hunk of dry bread, please
02:57Sure, for God bless breath
02:59Why not? There's nothing else to do
03:02You said they were the good old days
03:06Personally, I'm glad to be on time for the 20th century
03:09Hi, Sam
03:12Hey, Clarissa
03:15So have you figured out your school project yet?
03:18Yep, and I'm all set to watch TV
03:19Are you sure you should keep putting this off?
03:22Who's putting it off, Sam?
03:23Watching TV is my project
03:25You're going to improve television?
03:27I'm going to try
03:28I figure after I watch 24 hours, I'll have a pretty good idea of what needs improving
03:32Wow, you get to watch TV while I get to build the better vegetable
03:36So how's the search for the improved veggie going?
03:38Well, I figured that if I cross-pollinate a pea plant and a corn plant, I'll get square peas that don't roll around on your plate
03:44Cool, pea squared
03:45It's a big advancement to mankind, you hear?
03:48What's with the accent, Sam?
03:50My dad's discovered country western music
03:51He's been playing it non-stop all week
03:54I can't get that down-home twang out of my head
03:56I wonder what it all sounds like after 24 hours of total TV
04:00I guess you'll know in 24 hours
04:02So, does this mean you're not coming to the spring carnival tonight?
04:05Sorry, Sam
04:06Schoolwork comes first
04:07But don't you want to watch me win the pie-eating contest?
04:11Sorry, Sam
04:11I guess you'll just have to choke down cherry pie until it comes out your nose without me this year
04:15Okay, I'm off
04:16I smell pies awaiting
04:18You better get along, little doggie, because I'm headed for the big TV roundup
04:21So long, partner
04:23Okay, what should I watch?
04:31The Wide World of Mudwrestling
04:32Roadkill 9-1-1
04:34Or America's Funniest Home Shopping
04:37Hmm, before I make any big decisions
04:40I better go stock up on supplies
04:43Okay, I say we go with the leafier tree
04:50Oh, but Marshall, don't you think a beautiful flowering tree would be nicer?
04:55Janet, I thought we agreed, right?
04:56That the bare spot in the backyard needs some shade
04:57And a flower tree looks great for four weeks
04:59And then I spend the rest of the season raking
05:01Don't worry about the yard work, Dad
05:03Clarice is very handy with the rake
05:05I'm not too bad for the baseball bat either
05:07Oh, Marshall, let's get the magnolia
05:10Okay, all right
05:13The magnolia tree it is
05:14You'll learn to love it
05:16Yeah, who's gonna help with the dig?
05:17Sorry, Dad, but I'm booked
05:19Remember, my school project
05:21Oh, yeah, that's right
05:22Your TV thing
05:23Well, Ferguson, that leaves you
05:24Oh, Mom
05:26Dad, don't you remember my aching sacroiliac?
05:30Yeah, well, this will be the cure
05:32Happy digging
05:34Come on, Ferguson, let's get going
05:36Oh, Clarissa, try not to sit too close to the screen
05:39Don't worry, Mom
05:40And come join us when you need a break
05:42What break?
05:48Oops
05:49Better get a move on
05:50Don't want to miss zero hour
05:51The future of television might just lie in my hands
05:55Okay, supplies are stocked
06:03I'm relaxed, yet alert
06:04Ready and raring to go
06:06Let the total TV marathon begin
06:09In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
06:13And we're off
06:15No, no, for instance, I didn't do it
06:22Yes, I knew it
06:23Oh, no, for instance
06:24Well, I've been watching TV for four solid hours now
06:30Actually, four hours, 11 minutes, and 23 seconds
06:33According to my total TV time meter
06:35And I've loved every pixel of it
06:37Well, maybe not every pixel
06:39I've already seen 36 acts of violence
06:42Seven commercials that make drinking look cool
06:45And more remarkable household cleaners than I ever knew existed
06:48But the best thing I've seen all day
06:50Is right outside my window during my 30-second eyestrain break
06:53Ferguson sentenced to one afternoon of hard labor
06:56Looking good, Ferg-fate
07:02That makes up for all the times he's hugged the TV and kept me from my favorite shows
07:12But, you know, I'm starting to wonder if I even have any favorite shows
07:15The shows look like commercials
07:17The commercials look like shows
07:18And if you want information, they give you infomercials
07:21On the other hand, live TV can be pretty cool
07:23It puts you right in the middle of the action for the Olympics, elections
07:27Hey, it's instant history
07:29Like, I wonder what would have happened if Paul Revere's ride had been televised live
07:33Let's take a look at how things might have been
07:35Paul, Paul, Paul
07:39We're here live with local silversmith Paul Revere
07:42Who just hung one lantern in the North Church bell tower
07:45Paul, what's your message tonight?
07:47The British are coming, the British are coming
07:48You heard it here first
07:50The British are coming
07:51Thanks, Paul
07:52Anything else you'd like to say?
07:53You're right
07:53Oh, right
07:54One if by land, two if by sea
07:56Okay, fellow countrymen
07:57That's the news
07:58Oh, one more thing
07:59Arm yourselves
08:00Looks like you've got your work cut out for you
08:02You're right
08:02I've got a world-famous midnight ride coming up
08:05And we'll be there with live up-to-the-minute coverage every step of the way
08:08Good luck, Paul
08:09And thanks for the exclusive
08:11Oh, remember
08:13Sundays are savings days at Revere's Silver Shop
08:1510% off for Patriots
08:1730 days, same as cash
08:18This is Clarissa Darling reporting from the Old North Church
08:22And now, back to you, George
08:24See what I mean?
08:28I know exactly how to improve TV
08:30Make it live
08:31All the time
08:32Of course, what would we do when things got boring?
08:36Hey, I'm busy, Mr. Green Jeans
08:38Don't you knock?
08:39Hey, you're trekking mud all over my floor
08:41You mean my floor
08:42A couple of throw pillows
08:43I could turn this place into something
08:45What are you talking about, Bergface?
08:47Oh, once you go completely insane from watching all this TV
08:50I expect there'll be a vacancy
08:51I've always fancied a two-room suite
08:54Take a hike, Fergenstein
08:56Okay, but I'll be back
08:57Your eyes already look a little glazed
08:59That's because they're looking at you
09:01Anything you say, sis
09:03Just remember Molly McGillip
09:06Who?
09:07Never mind, don't tell me
09:09Well, since you asked
09:10Molly McGillip of Eugene, Oregon
09:12She holds the world record for continuous TV watching
09:14So what?
09:15So she went completely nuts
09:17They had to drag her away from the television
09:18When she claimed to be Pat Sajak's wife
09:20And can only communicate by singing Baba Lou
09:22Like I might believe that
09:24Fine, keep watching
09:25We'll have to put you in the basement
09:27Fiji yogurt
09:28Until the men in white coats haul you off to the funny farm
09:30Can't wait
09:31I'll see you there
09:32Now get out
09:33Great, I've already missed 11 and a half seconds of total TV
09:40I wonder if Madame Curie had to deal with annoying little brothers
09:44So flavorful
09:48Okay, we're now six hours deep into total TV
09:54So far, I've changed the channel
09:561,739 times
09:59And the only thing I know for sure
10:00Is that there's plenty of room for improvement
10:02Like there should be a two minute warning sign
10:05Before each commercial break
10:06So you can get ready to make a sandwich
10:07And for each gratuitous babe in a bikini
10:10They should show Jason Priestley on a motorcycle
10:12I think I'm on my way to a scientific breakthrough
10:15Clarissa, calm down and join us
10:17Will it still light out?
10:20That's a good idea
10:20I am getting a bit of cabin fever
10:23I'll be right back
10:26Oh, Clarissa, I'm glad you decided to join us
10:30A bit of sunshine doesn't have to get in the way of scientific research, Mom
10:33You're gonna watch out here?
10:35You can't expect me to just interrupt my project
10:37If I don't watch continuously, my research will be flawed
10:39Well, maybe the scientist could use a glass of lemonade
10:43Thanks, Mom
10:43What do you want this, Dad?
10:48Ah, thanks, Ferguson
10:49You can leave it right there
10:50Oh, thanks
10:51Stay right where you are, sis
10:57And if there's anything I can get you, please don't hesitate to ask
11:00I want to make your last few moments of sanity as comfortable as possible
11:04I have an idea
11:05Why don't you chew on some tinfoil?
11:06Look what I just happened to have found
11:09You might want to take a look at this
11:11Look page 47
11:12I highlighted the good parts
11:13TV overload psychosis
11:16The major warning signs
11:17It's a well-documented phenomenon
11:19Yet, lamentably, there's still no cure
11:22It's because they're still looking for the cure for toxic Ferg breath syndrome
11:26Hey, look
11:32It's the 24-hour weather channel
11:34Isn't nature the best?
11:36Na, na, na, na, na
11:39We're now approaching hour number 14 of total TV
11:46My biggest discovery so far
11:48It's not as much fun as I thought it would be
11:50There's no real give and take between you and the TV
11:52Except it's giving me a headache
11:54Hey
11:56What's going on?
11:58The channels are changing on their own
12:00They're freaking out
12:00They're freaking me out
12:02The first irreversible sign of TV overload
12:09Overload psychosis is audio and visual hallucinations
12:12Specifically, delusions of involuntary channel changing
12:17This is easy to cure
12:19I'll just shut it off
12:20Second symptom
12:29Hearing the TV after you've shut it off
12:31I can't believe this
12:34Ten hours left
12:35I must go on
12:37I can't go on
12:39I will go on
12:40Got to continue in the name of science
12:42Even if total TV drives me totally crazy
12:47It's 2 a.m.
13:00Do you know where your children are?
13:03This concludes the Late Late Late Late Late Show
13:07Hi kids
13:13Welcome to Sunrise Schoolhouse
13:15Hi you back
13:17Oh no, not that channel changing thing again
13:29At least we're winding down
13:31I think it's time for an extra special Total TV update
13:35Viewer discretion advised
13:37Late yesterday afternoon
13:40Mom and Dad planted their tree right on schedule
13:42Saturday at 6.35, 30 Central
13:45Will their little tree survive?
13:52Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion
13:54Mom's not a tree doctor
13:56But she's been playing one in the kitchen
13:57Her special health formula has a secret ingredient
14:01Guess what?
14:03Meanwhile, on a network all his own
14:05Ferguson's developed a sudden interest in electronics
14:07He's also got blueprints of my room
14:10Why?
14:11Does he think he can take it over?
14:12This is one spin-off series that gets two thumbs way down
14:15As for me
14:16I'm showing all the classic symptoms of TV overload psychosis
14:20If I don't do something fast
14:22My signals may wind up permanently scrambled
14:24Hi, Sam
14:27Hi, Clarissa
14:30Hi, Clarissa
14:31Hi, Hillary
14:32We wanted to be at the finish line
14:34Yeah, so when do we start the countdown?
14:36According to my Total TV time meter
14:38Let the countdown begin
14:40Five
14:41Four
14:42Three
14:43Two
14:44One
14:44Yes!
14:46Congratulations!
14:47So how do you feel, champ?
14:48Like Molly McGillop after they hauled her off
14:51Molly who?
14:52Guys, do I look funny to you?
14:55You mean like Foza the Clown?
14:56Yeah, funny ha-ha or funny weird?
14:58Funny I'm completely loony
15:00You're not loony
15:01You've just been up all night
15:02It's hard to concentrate when the channels won't stop changing
15:06Yeah, that's weird
15:07You mean it's not just me?
15:09Wait, watch what happens when I turn it off
15:11Where's all that TV noise coming from?
15:18You mean you hear it too?
15:24Hey, it's coming from the speaker
15:25The speaker?
15:28That's great
15:29Why?
15:30It's annoying
15:30But it means I'm not crazy
15:32I thought it was just in my head
15:34But now I see
15:35It was just across the hall
15:36What are you talking about, Clarissa?
15:37Come on
15:38I'll show you what I mean
15:39It's got bad James Bond moving to me
15:50The photograph's been trying to convince me
15:52My brains are scrambled by scrambling the TV
15:54The sickest part is
15:56I almost fell for it
15:57Come on
15:58Nah, you were just in a weakened state from pulling an all-nighter
16:03Bergface is the one that's gonna be in a weakened state when I get through with him
16:06So what are you gonna do?
16:08What any self-respecting sibling would do
16:10Strike back
16:11But don't break it your school project
16:13Don't worry, it's all part of the big picture
16:15I'm going to improve television and the quality of my life in one stroke
16:19Here's my idea
16:20Oh, hi, Clarissa
16:30Hi, Mom
16:31Why are you carrying that TV around?
16:34You're not still watching, are you?
16:35No, the viewing's over
16:37But I'm carrying it around to...
16:38Well...
16:40Get a feel for it
16:41Clarissa, this TV thing
16:43Why didn't you come outside with your father and me for a little while, huh?
16:47I'd like to, Mom
16:48But I can't interrupt my regularly scheduled programming
16:50Okay, dear
16:52And now, here's Johnny
17:00Sis, please have some juice
17:06You're looking very peaked
17:07It's not just for breakfast anymore
17:09Oh, and could you please pour a glass for my friend, Mr. TV, too?
17:14Sure
17:14It's nice to have friends when you're...
17:18Crazy
17:18So, should we call the lenny vignette?
17:21Call now
17:21Only $2.99 for the first minute
17:2350 cents for each additional minute
17:24Really, sis?
17:26Tell me more
17:27Please stand by
17:28This is a test
17:29This is only a test
17:30And...
17:32That's beautiful
17:33I'm so happy for you, sis
17:34If you act now while supplies last
17:36You'll receive this free commemorative Liberace plate
17:38With your order
17:39Yeah, right
17:40A Liberace plate
17:41That sounds great
17:42I'll take a dozen
17:43And your room
17:44Yes, and thanks for playing
17:46We have some lovely parting guests for our runners-up
17:48That's very interesting
17:50But hold that thought
17:51I've done it
17:53Ferguson W. D.R. is super genius
17:56Super idiots more like it
18:02Now that the bases are loaded
18:04I think it's time to knock Ferg base out of the park
18:07Help! Somebody help! Ferguson!
18:14Help! Get me out of here!
18:16What? Where are you?
18:18Here!
18:19Where?
18:21Here!
18:22Lower, stupid!
18:25How'd you get on TV?
18:26I'm not on it! I'm in it! Get me out of here!
18:29What is this?
18:34Hi, Clarissa
18:35Hi, Sam
18:37How's it going?
18:38Hey, where's Clarissa?
18:40Uh, nowhere
18:40See ya
18:41Help, Sam! I'm trapped!
18:47Clarissa?
18:49What are you doing in there?
18:50I don't know
18:51And I don't know how to get back
18:52I pressed the dial
18:53And I got dumped
18:54Help me!
18:55Oh, please spare me
18:56This is clearly a videotape
18:58But there's no tape in there
19:00What do you mean?
19:02There's gotta be a tape in there
19:03And how do you think I can answer you?
19:05Hmm, techno-weenie
19:06Hey, hey, that feels weird
19:09Ferguson, stop!
19:10Hey, don't you sit there and do something
19:12My pixels are starting to go fuzzy
19:14My best friend
19:16Lost in TV land forever
19:18Help me
19:19I'll never watch TV again
19:20If you just get me out of here
19:22This is stupid
19:23I'm turning it off
19:25Don't touch a dial
19:25I may never come back
19:27Don't do it, Ferguson
19:29How can you cancel your own sister?
19:31Somebody do something!
19:32I didn't do this
19:35She's the one that watched too much TV
19:36You can't pin this on me
19:38It's not my fault
19:39You drove her to this, Ferguson
19:41You can't prove anything!
19:46The coast is clear
19:47You did great
19:49It worked?
19:57He's totally freaked
19:59The TV snow was a great effect
20:01I guess all those years in the AV squad
20:02Finally paid off
20:03Yeah, and the attic is a great TV studio
20:05You should have seen Ferguson's face
20:08Yeah, the one time I wanted to see Fergwad's mug
20:11And I missed it
20:12Dad, TV is a powerful medium
20:16In the wrong hands
20:17It could be extremely dangerous
20:18Forget it, Ferguson
20:19We're not going to take away
20:21Clarissa's TV privileges
20:22Just because she tricked you
20:23Tom, bless you
20:28I can't believe I'm allergic to magnolia blossoms
20:31I know, we should have gone with the elm tree
20:32Sam, peas on the cob is much better than square peas anyway
20:37And all it took was hard work, discipline
20:40And a little crazy glue
20:41It's one small bite for man
20:43One giant meal for mankind
20:44Say, sport
20:45How'd your project go?
20:47Here, I'll show you
20:48Thanks, but
20:54No thanks
20:55I've had all the TV
20:56I can stomach for a while
20:57Oh, come on, Ferguson
20:58Let's have a look, huh?
20:59Besides, this isn't regular TV
21:01It's new and improved
21:03Interactive Clarissa vision
21:04Hi
21:07And welcome to Un-TV
21:09After an intensive analysis of the value of TV
21:12I decided it would be a lot more fun if we could interact with it
21:15What did you think of that, Clarissa?
21:17Believe it or not, Ferguson provided the inspiration
21:20I just want you to know
21:21I didn't believe your childish prank for a minute
21:23Interacting with your TV is easier than you think
21:26Ready?
21:27Okay
21:28Here's interactive TV exercise number one
21:30First, hold up your remote
21:32Good
21:34Next, aim it directly at the screen in front of you
21:37Now you got it
21:38And for the third and most important step
21:41Locate the power button and click it off
21:43Bye
21:44TV or un-TV
21:49That is the option
21:50Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
21:57Na-na-na-na-na
22:00Na-na-na-na-na
22:05Na-na-na-na-na
22:09All right, all right
22:11Na-na-na-na-na-na
22:14Na-na-na-na-na-na
22:44Na-na-na-na-na
22:47Na-na-na-na-na-na
22:50Just do it!
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