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00:00I'm
00:30Don't even talk to me I'm so sorry Ted you're judging a baby competition you're not supposed
00:40to get them agitated this happens every time and I'm sick of it I was just playing with them Ted
00:47playing with them you are jumping up and down with them running around to them and getting
00:57completely overexcited that's why you got sick on me I thought the standard this year was rubbish
01:06it was awful all right a lot of very sloppy babies who looked as though they really couldn't be
01:11bothered and the hairiness of some of those babies it was a very hairy baby parade exactly Ted if
01:18people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out normally do good you wouldn't
01:23actually have to shave a baby what the hell mrs. Doyle did you put a brick in the middle of the floor I
01:38did well why I thought it'd be handy for your paper clips see you can put them in that hollow there
01:46yes why in the middle of the floor why not on the table I got the idea from a magazine
01:54that may be all very well for will sell for one of those fellas right for the more traditional
02:03aspect of not putting bricks in the middle of the floor I think in future you should consult me
02:07mrs. Doyle looks very different today was it definitely mrs. Doyle
02:37I'm sorry I was looking for mrs. Doyle it is mrs. Doyle what I thought you were Marilyn Monroe
02:59now a couple of nice pints for you oh great we're a bit low actually there's plenty more where that came
03:17from I tell you I shouldn't be here at all the police are after me they're not yes I'm so gorgeous
03:27they want to put me under arrest actually I'm a bit sad at the moment mrs. Doyle yes I have to go to a
03:38funeral oh no really yes my last girlfriend she died from exhaustion
03:46hello father this is Pat mustard the new milkman oh yeah just you're over the south side of the
04:04island thought I'd spread myself around a bit mrs. Doyle you need to do some dusting up in father
04:10Jack's room and there's a huge cob in the shed needs removing all right also father well I'll be on my
04:20way Padre off on my rounds right Ted looks like an ordinary blackboard doesn't it yes that's what I
04:38thought but watch this you see you can rub off the letters you can do that with every blackboard do
04:50them what it's a very milky cup of tea mrs. Doyle this is almost an all milk cup of tea I mean is
05:08there any tea in here at all well no anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that
05:16that mustard can come here more often that's very interesting though a father at the weekends
05:28he's a swimming instructor in the pool and he fought in Vietnam and he's a former mr. universe
05:33and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate it sounds to me as though he's telling you a few tall
05:41tales what do you think Dougal well Ted I'm very cynical as you know it's not my place I know but it
05:55sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous jealous of mr. milky man I very much think not
06:04what are you doing Douglas I was just looking at some of the hairy babies from today there's
06:16something about them let's see oh my god what this is a terrible thing to say but if you took this
06:28baby's mustache this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards and put them together I think
06:34you'd get Pat mustard do you think the babies are copying a style you do think it's more likely that
06:46that um that Pat mustard has been you know I mean delivering more than dairy products no you mean he's been who I can't who oh
07:04I think we should do a little detective work find out what this Pat mustard fell is up to
07:18hello father oh Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box
07:35what how dare you it's too big for the milk float I'll uh I'll pick it up tomorrow
07:44Mrs. Doyle could you leave us for a few moments I told father I know what's going on Pat mustard
07:56there are some very hairy babies on craggy islands and I think you are the hairy baby maker no yet well
08:03I think that you would need proof if you're going to make that sort of an accusation and I'm a very
08:08careful man father a very careful man except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom
08:14now yeah you wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now would you yes I
08:21know I if you're going to be I of course you you just fuck off
08:29you'd want to get up very early in the morning to catch me father very early in the morning
08:39and now to ride Mrs. O'Reilly did you get that
09:05Ted I'll turn up the volume as loud as I can in case I can hear what's going on inside the house
09:13at this level you could hear a pit
09:16right now we wait oh no he's finished
09:23god
09:26Teresa look at me fucking drowsers
09:30ha ha
09:30shameful dear god disgraceful
09:37look at that have you ever seen anything like that no I have not
09:42right how should we do this how about two pounds each for this this and this and a tenner for the rest
09:48well I wasn't trying to sell them to you I I just wanted to show you what one of your employees was up to
09:56on this round oh oh oh my god yes why what did you think oh I I I completely misread the situation
10:04now please this is disgraceful behavior this employee shall be removed from his job straight away
10:10thank you for bringing this to our attention father Crilly hey you who's going to deliver the meat now
10:16actually next week is a big week for us we recently agreed to ease the milk surplus problems of the newly liberated
10:21Eastern European Republic of Croftanova by buying
10:28Pat sacking couldn't have come at a worse time god it's terrible to think of all that lovely milk floating around and going sour with no one dropping it off anywhere
10:35I wish I could do it we could certainly trust you father you are after all a man of God
10:40a what
10:41a priest well yeah thanks for reminding me but I'd love to be a milkman for a while that'd be fantastic
10:51god knows I do flip all around here
10:53not a bad idea you could certainly fill in for a while
10:56oh I'm not sure father Maguire has other duties in the parish
11:00like what
11:02and be sure to keep warm won't you
11:12Ted not in front of Mr. Fox
11:14hmm and stay on the left side of the road
11:16do I know
11:18that turns it on
11:24that makes it go
11:25that steers it
11:26okay right
11:27okay
11:28you're ready to be a milkman
11:29you better get going actually
11:32milk gets so you know
11:33unless it's UHT milk
11:35but there's no demand for that because it's shite
11:37he'll be fine father
11:54what's going on
12:12father Hackett's got very fond of that brick
12:14it's a great old pet for him
12:17he doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet
12:20suit them down to the ground
12:22I love my break
12:25ah that's nice
12:29maybe we're seeing another side of father Jack
12:32a more caring considerate
12:33ah
12:35ah
12:37faggot
12:37fed up with
12:40reek
12:42oh
12:43craiggy island perogial house
12:51father Ted Crilly speaking
12:53It's me, father.
12:55You ignorant bastard.
12:57Who's that? Is that you, Mustard?
12:59You got me sacked.
13:00And now I'm having to yank meself off round the clock
13:03because I haven't got any proper sex with girls.
13:06Well, if you're going to use that language...
13:09No.
13:10Don't I hope? I have something to tell you.
13:12I've left a little surprise
13:14on the milk float your little friend took off me.
13:18Something to remember me by.
13:20A bomb.
13:21What?
13:23A very special bomb.
13:25When your little friend gets to war for four miles an hour,
13:29then the bomb will be armed.
13:31But when he comes back under four miles an hour, then...
13:35Sorry, I lost it there.
13:39What happens when it goes under four miles an hour?
13:42It could go off.
13:44Oh, my God.
13:45Dougam!
13:46He he he he he he he he!
13:52Mrs Millet, two pints.
13:54Two pints.
13:56Two pints of milk.
13:58Two pints.
13:59Two pints.
14:00Two pints.
14:01Two pints.
14:02There you go.
14:03Bye, then.
14:04Bye.
14:05Bye, then.
14:06I know he went under two miles an hour.
14:08Oh, my God.
14:09I'll go for it to take him away.
14:10I can't wait to get it all day long.
14:11I can't wait for him.
14:13He knew his girlfriend was a kid.
14:14Can I not wait for it to take him away?
14:15Well, it doesn't matter...
14:17I won't wait for him.
14:18I can't wait for him to take him away.
14:19I can't wait for him...
14:20What?
14:22Morning, Mrs. Gleeson!
14:38OK, right. I'll just leave it here, then.
14:41Dougal! Dougal! Are you going over four miles an hour?
14:54Ah, Ted, I'm doing fine. Leave me alone.
14:56Are you doing over four?
14:58Not yet.
15:03Now I am.
15:05Oh, no, Dougal, listen to me. There's a bomb on the milk float.
15:12A bomb? Right. Who's that for?
15:14No, you're not supposed to deliver to anyone. It's going to go off and kill you.
15:18Pat Mustard put it there because I got him sacked.
15:20When you go under four miles an hour, it'll go off. The bomb will go off. Have you got that?
15:24Oh, God help! I don't want to be a McMahon anymore.
15:27You'll be safe as long as you don't slow down.
15:30Oh, Ted, look! It's a big bunch of boxes in the middle of the road!
15:34Just stay over four!
16:04Oh, Ted!
16:05Keep going!
16:06Oh!
16:07Keep going!
16:31Go, Google! Go, go, go!
16:43Just get to the randamad and start circling it! I have to have a thing!
16:48DEAN!
16:55Baron Ireland parochial house, Father Beeching here. Dougal's in trouble.
16:59He got a job as a milkman, and the previous milkman has put a bomb on the milk float
17:02that will blow up when the milk float goes under four miles an hour.
17:06Yes, that is a problem.
17:08But don't panic, Ted. We'll find a way through it.
17:12We've got to do something practical, something that will really help Dougal.
17:16Wait. I have it.
17:25Lord, be with you.
17:29The mask today is being offered for Father Doolin Maguire.
17:33He wants himself to be most trying an unfortunate situation.
17:37We pray that God will protect him from harm at this time,
17:41and deliver him to safety.
17:43Oh, yes. They'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come.
17:52The mask's ended. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
17:57Dougal, there's the roundabout.
17:59Just keep driving round and round. Everything's going to be OK.
18:02All right, get dizzy.
18:03Don't get dizzy.
18:04All right, we've got to come up with a plan.
18:05Back to my house and step on it.
18:07That's the idea.
18:08It's the best we've had, Ted.
18:12Another mask. That's our best idea.
18:19I thought the other one went very well.
18:32Dougal needs help, not a mask.
18:35Dougal needs help, not a mask. There's a time for mask and a time for action, and this is a time for action.
18:51Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?
19:02Just a small one. Oh, God, I love saying mass.
19:05Jim and his masses, there was a time a few years ago when we were at the Moscow Olympics with Sean Gray the road.
19:13This is a great story.
19:15We don't have time!
19:17It won't take a second.
19:18For God's sake, I'll just shut up and help me come up with a practical solution.
19:21Tea for everyone.
19:24Father Beeching, biscuit or cake?
19:27Biscuit or cake?
19:30Biscuit or cake? Let's eat.
19:33For God's sake, hurry up, man!
19:35Biscuit, no cake!
19:39You've seen the damage a bomb can do.
19:42It'll blow your face into the side of a tree.
19:44Well, it's worked for them, and they saved hundreds of lives.
19:52We only have to save one.
19:54That was different.
19:56The Towering Inferno was a big building that caught fire.
20:00You can't apply the same criteria to rescuing a priest from an explosive milk float.
20:05And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
20:07Good almighty, it's so long since I've seen it, I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
20:12Wait! I've got it!
20:13The Poseidon Adventure!
20:15What?
20:16Gene Hackman plays a priest in it!
20:39Well, that was no help at all.
20:41He didn't even say mass.
20:43Come on, let's get down to the roundabout.
20:46We'll see if we can think of something there.
20:47Oh!
20:49Speckin' brick!
20:53Wait a minute.
20:54I've got an idea.
20:55Yes, gentlemen.
20:58Father Dougal is propelling the milk float by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator.
21:05If we can replace his foot with an object that applies the same pressure, then I think we can safely remove him from the vehicle.
21:11Dougal!
21:12Dougal!
21:13You mean...
21:13Yes.
21:14We put the brick on the accelerator.
21:22Dougal!
21:22Ah!
21:23I've got a plan, but you're going to have to trust me.
21:25Ted!
21:26Ted!
21:27I want to be a priest again!
21:28And you will be, Dougal!
21:29It's not really your type of thing, is it?
21:30No.
21:31I don't like this job at all.
21:32All right.
21:33When I say, step off the milk float, you step off the milk float.
21:36All right?
21:37Just brace yourself and keep saying, I want to be a priest again.
21:40I want a priest again!
21:55I want to be a priest again.
22:01I want to be a priest again!
22:05I want to be a priest again!
22:09Oh, yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father.
22:18Well, if you don't mind, I'm off.
22:20Better get out the earplugs, Father.
22:23Because when that milk float goes up,
22:26then we'll hear it all the way to the north.
22:28There you are, Dougal.
22:44Thanks, Ted.
22:45Are you sure you don't want any milk in it?
22:47Oh, no, no, no.
22:48I think I'll stay off milk for a good long while.
22:51Why did I ever want to become a milkman, Ted?
22:54You should stick to what you're good at, and I'm good at being a priest.
22:58Uh, yes.
23:00Ted, it's scary out there in the real non-priest world.
23:05Dougal, not every job's as dangerous as being a milkman.
23:08Anyway, good night.
23:09Good night, Ted.
23:10Those women were in the nip!
23:44Oh, my God.
24:14Oh, my God.
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