- 10 hours ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30And one foot in the grave.
00:38And one foot in the grave.
00:40Come on, Dougal, turn off the video.
00:42OK, Ted.
00:43That's a great show, though, isn't it?
00:45He's mad, isn't he?
00:46I don't believe it, he says.
00:52Which one were you watching?
00:54What?
00:56Which episode of One Foot in the Grave were you watching?
00:58Huh?
01:00Dougal, you've just finished watching it.
01:01Do you not remember anything from it?
01:04I don't believe it.
01:05That's what he says.
01:08Come on, Dougal, hurry up.
01:09We're off to the mainland.
01:10Hooray!
01:11Why?
01:12We have to go to the betting shop to collect my winnings.
01:14£200 on Father Leem Rice in the limbo competition.
01:18What they don't know is there's something wrong with his back
01:20and he always walks like that.
01:24I don't believe it.
01:25I don't believe it.
01:33Dougal, you better get that mended.
01:35There's a hole there in the top of your tank top.
01:36Really, Ted?
01:37I don't believe it.
01:40Brilliant, Dougal.
01:41Can we go to the caves then,
01:43after we go to the betting shop?
01:44Can we go?
01:44Can we?
01:44Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
01:46All right.
01:47We'll go to the caves.
01:48Fantastic!
01:49Going to the caves.
01:50I don't believe it.
01:52Here we are now.
01:54I don't believe it.
01:56Drink!
01:57Not now, Father.
01:58We're going to the opticians in Roundskin.
02:00Remember, to get you a nice pair of glasses.
02:01We should all be very careful on the mainland.
02:12There's a lot of crime around.
02:13Arsonists and muggers everywhere.
02:15My friend, Mrs. O'Dwyer, was robbed last week.
02:18Oh, no.
02:19Did they get much?
02:21No, Father, I don't think you understand.
02:23She was robbed.
02:24They stole her.
02:26I see.
02:27It's a terrible thing when an old person can't even walk down the street
02:30for fear of being stolen.
02:32It is.
02:37Come on, Dougal.
02:37I don't want any accidents.
02:40Here's Mrs. Dineen, Father.
02:42You can drop me off here.
02:44Right, so.
02:47Hello, Father Crilly.
02:49Hello, Mrs. Dineen.
02:50Will we go to the tea shop, Mrs. Dineen?
02:52We can have a bit of a chat there.
02:55Right, so.
02:55Bye now.
03:01God, Dougal.
03:06Could you imagine spending any more time with those?
03:07Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal.
03:18What?
03:19Oh, God, Ted.
03:22I'm so happy.
03:23The sun's out.
03:24And we're in an optician's.
03:27It doesn't get any better than this.
03:30God, Ted.
03:31I just remembered something.
03:32I forgot to have any breakfast.
03:37We'll get something later.
03:38Don't worry.
03:39Oh, God, Ted.
03:41I'm so hungry.
03:42There's no chance.
03:44I couldn't die, could I, from the hunger.
03:47I don't think so.
03:48Not for a couple of hours, anyway.
03:50I'm finished now, Father.
03:55Well, I must say, I'm confused.
03:57His eyesight seems to be better than ever before.
04:00He read right down to the very last line,
04:02and even I can't see that one.
04:08I think I know what happened.
04:10You see, Father Jack has a great fondness
04:12for saying that particular word.
04:14Oh, I didn't know.
04:16It's the first time I've used that eye chart, actually.
04:17I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
04:20Hey, do you have anything to eat?
04:22Like a plate of chips or a burger or a few chops?
04:24I'm out of me head with the hunger.
04:27No, I'll, um, just get the other chart.
04:30So, what happened to his last pair of glasses?
04:32No idea.
04:34He was gone out of the house for a few minutes.
04:35When he came back, they were gone.
04:36He can't seem to hold on to a pair.
04:38Dougal, you forgot your scarf.
04:40Come on.
04:56Fathers, this is going to take some time.
04:58Oh, right.
04:59We'll head off, so.
05:00Come on, Dougal.
05:00We'll go to the caves.
05:01Hooray!
05:03Now, Father,
05:04this chart was given to me
05:06by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers,
05:08for course industries.
05:15You remember Mrs. Kiernan?
05:17Well, she was on her way to the shop the other day
05:19and a man came over to her
05:21and killed her
05:22and stole her pen.
05:24Killed her?
05:25Well, they think so.
05:27They're keeping her in for tests.
05:31Well, you know what happened to old Mr. Sweeney?
05:32Some young fellas broke into his house
05:36and started messing with him
05:37and they put a bra on him.
05:42Oh, God.
05:43Poor Mr. Sweeney.
05:44He wouldn't like that at all.
05:46I heard there were over 200 cases
05:49of forced transvestism
05:50involving Mr. Sweeney last year.
05:52Oh, it's terrible.
05:54Oh, what's the world coming to?
06:04Steady, Google.
06:07Right, now, one more.
06:08Steady.
06:08Oh, God almighty.
06:17Look what it is.
06:18It's that actor.
06:19Who?
06:20You know, your man from One Foot in the Grave,
06:22the I don't believe it man.
06:25Oh, wow.
06:26God, that's amazing.
06:27Look at him there.
06:32Do you know what he'd love?
06:33Well, he'd love it
06:35if somebody came up to him
06:36and said his catchphrase.
06:37Oh, yeah, Ted.
06:38He'd love that.
06:40You should definitely do that.
06:41Should I?
06:42Oh, yeah.
06:43I'd say no one ever does that to him.
06:45He'd think you're hilarious.
06:47You know, this is one of these times
06:48when I'm absolutely 100 million percent sure
06:51that you'd be doing the right thing.
06:53I can safely say
06:54you definitely, definitely
06:55won't regret doing that.
06:57I'm going to do it.
07:00Brilliant, Ted.
07:00Will I?
07:01Yeah, go on.
07:02Pull the camera.
07:07Hey, don't believe it.
07:20Hey, don't believe it.
07:20I'm going to try to take all this time.
07:22I can't focus on what he's doing right.
07:23Oh, yeah.
07:24Oh, yeah, it's so much fun.
07:26Here.
07:27Here.
07:34Oh, yeah.
07:37Oh, yeah.
07:38Oh, yeah.
07:43Well, what did he say?
08:10Did he laugh?
08:11No, no, no, no, not really.
08:15I'm going to sit down now.
08:16Oh, God, no.
08:18I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes.
08:21I didn't know my own strength.
08:23I heard his arm snap.
08:26And then it was just a case of lying on top of him
08:29until the filth arrived.
08:33We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle.
08:35I'll get this.
08:36Oh, no, Mrs Janine, put that away.
08:38I'll get this.
08:39No, now, don't be silly.
08:41I'll pay.
08:43You won't.
08:44Put that away.
08:45Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle.
08:48No, no, no, no.
08:50Now, just put your money away.
08:52You're mad.
08:53No, no, no, no.
08:55No, no, no, no, no.
09:09I can't bore you again.
09:12Drink!
09:42Take the money! Take the money away!
09:51I'm writing a checkbook!
09:54No, you're not! No, you're not!
09:57I need that checkbook!
09:59Hello, police!
10:05That's right. Absolutely. We understand.
10:08At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
10:13Yes!
10:15Yes. All I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
10:20Drink!
10:22I didn't give a damn about my wife, our kids.
10:26Yeah!
10:28No. With all of your help, I'm coming through it.
10:32I'm just taking it one day at a time.
10:35Thank you, Ronald.
10:40Now, I notice that we have a new member of the group with us today.
10:44Father, would you like to tell us your story?
10:54Drink!
10:59Drink!
11:01It's so true. So true.
11:13And this rock here is actually granite.
11:19How long would that be there?
11:21Oh, many millions of years.
11:23Really? As long as that?
11:25That is fascinating.
11:27How come all the rocks are different sizes?
11:30Well, you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
11:35Wow!
11:36I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
11:40Of course, at this time, most of this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
11:44How did everyone breed?
11:46Well, they had some sort of apparatus.
11:48All right.
11:49Wow! Look at that rock over there!
11:51Well, this is actually the oldest part of our tour.
11:54This particular cave was formed more than 15 million years ago.
11:57Wow!
11:58I don't believe it!
12:00You again!
12:02I don't want to see you again!
12:06Last time!
12:09That path's not open to the...
12:13Oh, Mr. Wilson, could I just say how sorry I am?
12:18No, that's all right.
12:19That's all right.
12:20As long as I don't know how to hear that bloody catchphrase again.
12:23I don't believe it!
12:26I don't believe it!
12:29I'm sure we came in this way.
12:32Oh, Ted.
12:33I'm so hungry, I'm beginning to hallucinate.
12:35Now, Douglas, don't exaggerate.
12:37And stop worrying.
12:38We'll get out here and know to you.
12:40Let's try it this way.
12:43Ooh!
12:46Ted, what's that?
12:48What's what?
12:49Ooh!
12:52Ah!
12:54Ted!
12:55Ah!
12:58I see a little silhouette of a...
13:02Will you do the fandango?
13:05Thunderbolt and lightning?
13:06Very, very frightening.
13:08Galileo!
13:09Galileo!
13:10Galileo!
13:11Galileo!
13:12Galileo!
13:13Figaro!
13:14Magnifico!
13:15Oh, oh, oh!
13:16I'm just a poor boy.
13:17Nobody loves me.
13:18He's just a poor boy from a poor family.
13:20Save from his life from this monstrosity.
13:22Easy come.
13:23Easy go.
13:24Will you let me go?
13:25Pass me la, no!
13:26We'll not get to go.
13:27Let me go!
13:28Pass me la.
13:29We'll not get to go.
13:30Let me go!
13:31No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
13:34No, no, no...
13:35Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, let me go.
13:37Beelzebub had the devil push aside for me!
13:41For me!
13:42For me!
13:43For me!
13:50As I was saying...
13:52I think the thing to do is to try and find an exit before the caves close for the evening good idea father
13:58How long have you been in here two days now father?
14:01I think it's two days. We've been having a great laugh
14:07Well, I just think that actually everyone would like to get out of here and get something to eat and get home
14:13Who can screech the loudest?
14:16Let's have a screeching competition. I'll go first
14:22Jerry feels your goal. I'd rather not father. Oh, go on
14:28I really think we should think about trying to get out here. Oh God said maybe you're right if we don't get out
14:34We might have to eat each other
14:36You know like in that film alive where they get into the plane crash and then if they eat all their friends
14:42Here's me eating Tony
14:46Don't have you go. Oh, no get off me. I'm not dead yet
14:52going I'm hungry Tony
14:54I don't think oh, no go wiggle it wouldn't you Tony?
15:01Here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony
15:08Why did you eat Tony Tony was our only son?
15:10And then I'd be at the funeral
15:14And I'd be going oh better not show my head
15:17Will you shut up? Will you?
15:19Will you please shut up? Will you shut up?
15:21Will you shut up? Shut up? Shut up?
15:23Shut up
15:31Well
15:35Well I've never
15:38I've never
15:40Tony
15:41I'm putting you on my list of enemies
15:43enemies. There. You're in for it now, Tony. Ha! Only joking. Look what I've really written.
16:00Come on, let's have someone else for the screeching competition. Janine Riley! Oh, she'd love
16:05a go. Go on, it's easy. Ah! I really wouldn't do that, Noel. Ah! Seriously, Noel. Ah!
16:26So, it was me, Father Paulus and Father Togan. And you'd think, wouldn't you, that someone like
16:33Chris Evans wouldn't want to hang around with the likes of us. And you'd be right. He didn't
16:39want to hang around with us at all. Ned, hmm, I'm going mad. Yes, sorry, Noel, but are you
16:49not worried about being trapped under that big pile of rocks? Not at all. She wants you here
16:53to keep me company. And the youth group will be back with help at any moment. They said
16:58they were just going to find the tour guide, tell him I was buried under a big pile of rocks
17:02and come right back. That's four tickets to Paraguay.
17:08But I liked the English Patient. Very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring. It was
17:16my kind of film. And I liked the piano as well. Did you see Harvey Guitel running
17:24around in the nip? Did you see that, Ted? Ted? Ted? I hate leaving Noel, but we're doing him
17:36no good sitting around listening to him screech. At least he'll be safe under that big pile of rocks.
17:40Let's just get ourselves out and we can worry about Noel then. God, where is this exit?
17:46Where is this exit?
17:50Ah! Ted! Me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!
17:54What?
17:56It's after unravelling.
18:00Oh my God! Dougal! We can find our way back with this. You've obviously snagged her on something.
18:10If we use this, we can find our way out. Oh, thank God, Dougal! We'll be out in no time!
18:16Ted, should you be winding it up like that or should we not be following it?
18:20What? Well, what use will it be when you're finished winding it up?
18:24I don't believe it!
18:26I don't believe it!
18:28I don't believe it!
18:30I don't believe it!
18:32I don't believe it!
18:34I don't believe it!
18:36I don't believe it!
18:38I don't believe it!
18:40I don't believe it!
18:42I don't believe it!
18:44I don't believe it!
18:46I don't believe it!
18:48I don't believe it!
18:50Oh!
18:52Break!
18:53Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
19:06Don't do it, Father. I won't let you do it.
19:09I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for that.
19:18Oh, thank God.
19:23Excuse me, there's someone buried in the caves.
19:25He's all right, but I really think you should get somebody in there quickly.
19:27Thank you. Please hurry. Come on, Dougal.
19:29I want to get away before they rescue him.
19:48Come on, Dougal, relax. The food will be here in a minute.
19:53Hello?
19:55Hello. Is that Father Crilly?
19:57Eh, yes, this is him.
19:59We've been trying to contact you all night.
20:01Do you know a Mrs. Doyle?
20:03First name, Mrs.
20:05Doyle.
20:07Er, do I know a Mrs.
20:11Doyle?
20:13We do, Ted.
20:15Yes, yes, she's our housekeeper.
20:17Well, I need you to come down to the police station.
20:19She's been in a spot of trouble.
20:21Now, Mrs. Dineen, if there's a fine or anything, I'll pay it.
20:25No, no, no, no, no.
20:27OK, thank you, Father.
20:29Father, hack it!
20:31Come on, Dougal, you're not going to be able to eat that.
20:33We have to get Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Dineen.
20:35And Father Jack out of prison.
20:37Come on.
20:39I'm very, very sorry.
20:41You wouldn't have a lasagna or a chicken curry or something like that.
20:45No.
20:46No?
20:47Okay.
20:48Well, maybe I'll just have a bag of chips and a Fanta orange as well, please.
20:52I don't think you know where you are.
20:53This is a police station.
20:54Right.
20:55In that case, I'll just have the chicken satin and...
20:56And the chicken satin.
20:57Well, no, I'm going to do that.
20:58Well, no, no, no.
20:59No, no, no, no.
21:00No.
21:02Why, no.
21:03No, no, no, no, no, no.
21:05Why?
21:07No, no.
21:09No!
21:10No, no.
21:11No.
21:12Right. In that case, I'll just have the chicken satay and pilo rice.
21:18I just hope you don't think this type of thing goes on all the time.
21:21We're not all criminals and troublemakers in the church, you know.
21:24I hope this won't put you off going to Mass.
21:26I'm a Protestant, actually, Father.
21:28Really?
21:32It's a straight choice, Father.
21:34Either they pay a £200 fine or they spend the night in the cells.
21:39Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.
21:43Maybe in the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better one.
21:50Hey, shut up, Dougal.
21:51Hey, Dougal, be quiet.
21:53No, I was just...
21:54All right! All right!
21:56Here. Here.
21:58Here's your blood money.
21:59But just let me say this.
21:59There was a time when the police in this country were friends in the church.
22:02Drunk driving charges quashed.
22:04Parking tickets torn up.
22:05Even a blind eye turd to the odd murder.
22:07But now, I knew you were satisfied.
22:10I gave them the money.
22:11Ted, Ted, why don't you give them the £200 of one of the best?
22:13Well, I did.
22:14There.
22:15Happy?
22:16Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of real people.
22:21Thank you so much.
22:23Right.
22:25To be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.
22:28I was just going to say your fly's open.
22:30God, Dougal, what did I say?
22:47There's always trouble when I go to the mainland.
22:49I must make a note of never, ever going back there again.
22:52Unless it's completely unavoidable.
22:53Which it isn't, unfortunately.
22:57I don't need it.
23:16To be...
23:17to be...
23:17to be...
Recommended
23:52
|
Up next
24:03
23:51
24:59
24:00
23:42
24:18
24:03
25:28
24:04
24:14
24:20
24:15
24:37
24:55
24:55
25:35
24:35
25:26
25:41
25:24
25:34