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00:00Five, four, three, two, one.
00:05One, two, three, four!
00:13Come take a ride!
00:17The weirdest guy I know, well it's Wednesday night!
00:19It's Wednesday night!
00:21Now you didn't call the Chris Gathard Show!
00:25Chris Gathard Show!
00:26Whoa, Chris Gathard Show!
00:30The Chris Gathard Show!
00:33Hello everyone, welcome to the Chris Gathard Show!
00:35Thank you!
00:37Thank you!
00:38Wow, thank you!
00:42By far the most rousing applause to start a show
00:45in that it's the only time that's happened.
00:47Thank you!
00:48Wow!
00:50Wow!
00:53Live audience tonight, very, very crazy.
00:55My name's Chris, thank you for coming to, checking out the show.
00:58Thank you guys for coming.
01:00Thank you guys for watching on MNN4.
01:01Thanks for watching live at thechrisgethardshow.com.
01:04We have a great show for you tonight.
01:06We have some guests joining us as always.
01:07My lovely assistant, Bethany, is here.
01:12Shannon O'Neill joining us once again.
01:15Former guest host for the show.
01:17You okay?
01:17Everything all right?
01:18Yeah, I'm good.
01:18Okay, and of course, Murph joining us once again, AKA, one of the previous times you were
01:24on you were dubbed the Reservoir Dog by one of our callers.
01:28Murph, your name is already a nickname, Murph.
01:30I'm not getting that.
01:31But you on the show are known as the Reservoir Dog.
01:33It's my second nickname.
01:34It's my adopted nickname.
01:35It's great.
01:36It's great.
01:36And you look fantastic tonight.
01:38Your mustache and tie combo, slamming as always.
01:40We have Random Gene.
01:41For those of you guys who don't know, Random Gene called us on our second show, asked why
01:45we would ever do this show.
01:46We told her to come to the studio.
01:48Check it out.
01:48She's been showing up ever since.
01:50Hello, Random Gene.
01:50How are you?
01:51How are you, friend?
01:52I'm okay.
01:53I'm okay.
01:54We'll get into that.
01:54I want to say Random Gene actually sent me an actual piece of mail a couple of weeks ago.
01:58How did she get your address?
02:00That's what I asked her tonight.
02:01It was on it.
02:02It was on it.
02:02It's somewhere floating around through my...
02:03I've been hearing a lot of stuff like that about you, Random Gene.
02:06Doing random things, Random Gene.
02:08Random Gene's trying to become familiar.
02:10That's true.
02:11You understand that you will be your own undoing.
02:14Yes.
02:15For once you become non-random, you'll just be Gene.
02:20Careful what you wish for.
02:21Be careful, Random Gene.
02:22You will quickly talk your way out of this coveted...
02:24It's really dark tonight.
02:25I don't care, man.
02:26If you're calling up and you're like, that's not funny if I talk about that time someone
02:29broke into my house and held me at gunpoint, I don't care if it's funny, man.
02:32We already got a dude dressed as a banana.
02:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:35Why don't you give us a call?
02:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:41Why don't you give us a call?
02:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:45So I think we already have a caller on the line.
02:47So caller, you're on the air.
02:48Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
02:49How can we help you?
02:51Hello?
02:52Yeah, you're on the air.
02:53What's up?
02:54Chris, hey, it's Jake.
02:55Jake, how's it going, man?
02:56It's going well.
02:58So two things.
02:59Somebody broke into my house when I was 13 years old.
03:04It was terrifying, actually.
03:05Were you home?
03:06I was home at the time.
03:08And what had happened was I had fallen asleep on the couch outside.
03:12And I just decided I was going to skip school that day because that's what I did when I was 13.
03:17My mom would leave really early in the morning.
03:19So I was like home alone.
03:20And then I woke up on the couch and went to go to my bedroom to just, like, dick around.
03:24And the door was locked.
03:26And there was a dude in there stealing a bunch of stuff.
03:30And what was hard about it was that I had to call my mom and admit to the fact that I was skipping school.
03:36Oh, that asshole robber fucked you twice, Jake.
03:41More importantly than that, random gene is no longer random.
03:45Wow.
03:46It's completely expected gene.
03:48Wow.
03:49Wow.
03:51I know way more about random gene than I do about the human fish.
03:55And I don't think that that's right.
03:59Jake, what do you know about me?
04:02I know that you're around every week.
04:06That is a good starting point.
04:10I like listening to you on Sirius sometimes.
04:13You play good music when me and my friend are listening to Amy in the car.
04:15Okay, she's trying to butter him up.
04:16She's trying to butter him up.
04:17Let's see if it works on Jake.
04:19You're really awesome, Gene.
04:22Jake Vogelmess, public access legend, star of Sirius Satellite Radio.
04:27Anything else on your mind tonight, Jake?
04:29No, that's it.
04:30It's just, it's become, oh, a human fish.
04:32Bob Marley versus Bob Dylan.
04:37Wow.
04:38Posing one directly.
04:40Bob Marley versus Bob Dylan.
04:42Oh, that's hard.
04:44Bob Dylan.
04:45Bob Dylan.
04:46There's some racism.
04:47Chosen wisely, human fish.
04:48Look at that.
04:49We may have just learned that the human fish is racist.
04:53Let's keep our eye on future race-driven battles and see if the human fish is racist.
04:59If the fish part of him is racist.
05:02Jake, thank you so much for the call, man.
05:04We'll talk soon.
05:05Later, Chris.
05:06All right.
05:07Do we have another caller on the line?
05:08Caller, you're on the Chris Gethard Show.
05:11Hello?
05:14Never mind.
05:14That got awkward.
05:15Awkward.
05:15All right.
05:21The awkward song gets the awkward dance, as everyone knows.
05:24That was our first awkward call of the night.
05:26Speaking of dancing, that actually wound up being a very appropriate segue.
05:29Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, our whole show will revolve around dancing.
05:33We have a great crew of b-boys who are about to perform for us.
05:36I'm going to ask our studio owners here to make some room so they can have the floor.
05:40Ladies and gentlemen, give it up.
05:42They'll be with us all night.
05:43Please give it up for the ouroboros.
06:45Hiya baby, hiya now Hiya baby, hiya now Hiya baby, hiya now Hiya baby, break it down Show no shame now
07:00Hiya baby, hiya baby, break it down Show no shame
07:20I know that you can't do it if you show no shame.
07:26Make it up.
07:28Don't make sure.
07:30Shake it down.
07:31Don't make it up.
07:34That's the way that I like it.
07:38We can shake it down.
07:42That's the way.
07:46Shake it down.
07:48Shake it down.
07:50That's the way that I like it.
07:52Woo!
07:53Woo!
07:54Woo!
07:55Woo!
07:56Shake it down.
07:57Don't make it down.
07:59Woo!
08:00Don't make it down.
08:01Don't make it down.
08:03Ow!
08:04Oh, yeah!
08:05Woo!
08:06Shake it down.
08:13Oh!
08:14Yeah!
08:15Woo!
08:16Woo!
08:17Woo!
08:18Woo!
08:21onto the screen.
08:22Woo!
08:25Woo!
08:27Hit through, girl.
08:28Switch!
08:35Sweetie!
08:36Woo!
08:37Switch!
08:40Make it switch!
08:41Make it switch.
08:43Make it switch.
08:47Make it switch.
08:49Make it switch.
08:51Oh, yeah.
08:54Switch.
08:56Hey, yeah.
08:59Hiya.
09:01Hiya, baby.
09:03Hiya, baby.
09:05Hiya.
09:07Hiya, baby.
09:09Make it down.
09:11You could show no shame
09:13The gonads for me
09:16So much perspective
09:18More like no son
09:20Sweet sweet
09:21Joe boy
09:23She's been so worried
09:25That my ain't no
09:28space for me
09:30Moved from
09:32toแลith John
09:33Interesting
09:35I can't see it
09:37It'so
09:38Steve Jerome
09:39How good it at eye
09:41Don't be mad in a place where we go
09:45Can't be all inside, don't stop
09:50Don't be sad, yeah
09:54Oh baby, break it down
09:58Now take me higher
10:01Yeah, yeah
10:03Oh baby, break it down
10:05Oh, I'll take me higher now
10:11Baby, break it down
10:13Yeah, yeah
10:15Oh baby, break it down
10:19Don't be mad, don't be mad
10:21Don't be mad, don't be mad
10:23Let's try it down
10:25Don't be mad
10:27Let's see, let's see, let's see
10:31Let's see, let's see
10:33But when we're in the kitchen
10:35It's the end
10:37Oroboros, ladies and gentlemen
10:47That's great
10:48The for real shit right there
10:49Sometimes I got a little worried that something went wrong
10:52Like, cause one time one of the guys, his feet got stuck on his neck for a second
10:55And they kept, their balls kept hitting the floor
10:59Like, I thought there was something wrong
11:01No, I
11:03Their leg would get stuck here
11:05And then they'd try to get it loose by putting the other leg through
11:07I just don't think they're doing it right
11:09Wow, okay, okay
11:11It's interesting that you're saying such things
11:13I don't know, do you know what our bid is tonight?
11:15I don't know, do you know what our bid is tonight?
11:16I don't think I told you
11:17No, I'm just saying
11:18I don't know how, I would know how to fix it
11:20Okay
11:21Well, you will get a chance to try
11:22Cause here's what we're doing tonight
11:24I don't know how to fix it
11:25For the six of us up here
11:26For the next portion of the show
11:27We're gonna take calls
11:28Including human
11:29Including the human fish
11:30Uh huh
11:31Including Random Gene
11:32I did not tell you about this either, I don't think
11:33Oh, she was creaming her slip the entire time
11:35Yeah, yeah
11:36She was, she loved it
11:37Oh
11:40Shannon
11:41You like that?
11:42You just invented the phrase, creaming her slip
11:44Oh
11:47You are the best and also the worst
11:49Can I just inform you?
11:50I am not wet
11:51Gene!
11:53Gene!
11:58Random Gene
12:03Let's just take a breath
12:04Here's what's gonna happen
12:05We're gonna take calls
12:06We're gonna talk amongst ourselves
12:07Drew, I think, has a vuvuzela right now
12:11Random intervals
12:12Drew's gonna blow that vuvuzela
12:16That's what it sounds like
12:17Hopefully he will learn how to use it better as the show goes on
12:20The longer the show goes on
12:22When we hear that vuvuzela
12:23Whoever is the one of us talking
12:25Has to get up and battle one of the Ouroboros
12:27They win
12:30Yeah, they win
12:31But we have to give it our best
12:32We have to commit
12:33We have to go
12:34And then later in the show callers
12:35You will get to call up and dictate those battles
12:37But for now
12:38When you hear that horn blow
12:40No hesitation
12:41You get up there
12:42You start fucking dancing
12:43You got it Murph?
12:44I got it
12:45You got it Gene?
12:46I got it
12:47Bethany?
12:48I have no doubt in you
12:49Fish, can you dance?
12:50Cool
12:51Elected, confident
12:52Let's go ahead and see
12:53Do we have a caller on the line?
12:54You are on the air
12:55Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show
12:57Somebody say vacation
12:59So this is vacation Jason
13:02It's a character played by Riley
13:04I'm going to go ahead and say
13:06Thank you for the call, vacation Jason
13:10Don't like it
13:13Alright, I got some good news
13:15What?
13:16I got some good news Chris
13:18What's the good news?
13:19Check it out
13:20I just read today on the Huffington Post
13:21That Pakistani mangoes are finally coming to U.S. shelves
13:29Of the delicious, most sweetest mangoes in the world
13:33By a round of applause
13:35Who in our studio audience finds this funny?
13:40A smattering
13:41Stupid fish
13:42Has decided vacation Jason is funny
13:44You're on thin ice right now vacation Jason
13:47What else do you have to say?
13:49I got to say that I can relate to people breaking in
13:54To my bungalow
13:56It happens to me all the time
13:57People want to steal my records
14:00And my sunglass collection
14:03In case of Jason, have a great night
14:05Thank you for the call
14:07Let's go ahead and let's get to our next caller
14:09I think we have another caller on the line
14:10You're on the air
14:11Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show
14:13Thank you, how are you doing tonight?
14:15I'm good, who's this?
14:16My name's Calvin, sir
14:18Calvin, what's on your mind?
14:19What can we talk about?
14:21I can relate to this whole break-in tale
14:23And it's pretty ironic
14:24I've actually had to break into my own house twice
14:28Okay, interesting
14:30What are the circumstances?
14:32What's my story?
14:33So basically, back when I still live with my parents
14:35The first time I had to break in
14:37We had a porthole window
14:39On the downstairs bathroom that we used to keep open
14:41But I'm a skinny guy
14:42So one time I came home without my keys
14:45Shifting myself up onto the window wedge
14:48And then shimmied through the window
14:50I told my mom about that
14:51She ended up locking that window
14:53Fast forward a couple years
14:55My friend and I are back from plaster fun time
14:58And I don't have my keys again
15:00So can't get through the porthole window this time
15:03So I have to climb up onto my deck
15:06Stretch around the corner of my house
15:08Standing on the balcony banister of the deck
15:13Get to a family room window that is slightly open
15:16But I know I can kick in the screen
15:18I have my friend sitting there with her cell phone
15:21Using that as a flashlight
15:23Use my set of...
15:25I had to use her keys to...
15:28Those pulsings on the screen to rip them open
15:31Kick that in
15:33Then do some amazing acrobatics
15:35And literally twist my body around my house
15:36All the way in through the window
15:39And be able to unlock the door
15:40And we safely eat some waffles
15:42Okay...
15:44Sir, was that why it was so imperative that you get into your house and eat waffles?
15:47Well, yeah, we were hungry
15:49And we had just done a lot of plaster art
15:51I swear I'm not making any of this up
15:53But, I mean, no one feels like being
15:55Locked outside of their house and there are mosquitoes and you're hungry
15:58But if you lived with your parents, why didn't you just ring the doorbell?
16:00Yeah
16:02No, no one was home, silly
16:03That's the whole point
16:05No! Cowdy!
16:07Cowdy!
16:09Silly!
16:10I would say the second one sounds really badass
16:12The first one where you shimmied through a porthole into your bathroom
16:15Sounds like one of the most degrading experiences of your life
16:18Degrading? Oh, pretty much, you know, cause
16:20I think everyone could see my knickers
16:21Nickers?
16:23Nickers?
16:25Silly knickers
16:27What's a porthole to the-
16:28Yeah!
16:29One, two, three, four.
16:32Oh!
16:49Yes!
16:51What?
16:52What?
16:53Yeah!
16:54Pete!
16:55Pete!
16:56Pete!
16:57Pete!
16:58Pete!
16:59Pete!
17:00Pete!
17:19Pete!
17:20Who won?
17:21Easily!
17:22Gene!
17:23Gene!
17:24Oh my god!
17:28Oh my god!
17:30Oh my god!
17:33Gene!
17:34You just went back to being random!
17:39What the fuck was that?
17:41Where'd that come from?
17:42Doing pirouettes and flips and shit?
17:45I took dance lessons up until I was about 13.
17:50God damn, Gene!
17:55It's one-to-one, we might take this!
17:59Wow!
18:00Alright, man!
18:02Oh, it's time to move on?
18:04Okay.
18:05Never mind, I think it will end in a one-to-one tie then.
18:09Ladies and gentlemen, right now, we're doing cornmeal, right Noah?
18:13Yeah.
18:14Okay.
18:15We have a team of animators by Alan Connor, great friends of our show.
18:18Each week, they take a suggestion via Twitter.
18:21You can find them at twitter.com slash lone cornmeal.
18:24They take your suggestions, they make animations out of them.
18:27Always cool, always strange.
18:29We're glad to have them.
18:31This week's suggestion was, where's the beef?
18:33Let's see what they came up with after that.
18:36Ladies and gentlemen, the lone cornmeal machine.
18:38Who knows what will happen?
18:48I haven't a clue.
18:51No one knows what will happen next.
18:54It all depends on you.
18:57Can't see round the corner when I'm going round the bend.
19:03No one knows what will happen, nor if this madness will ever end.
19:13Everything can have beef on it.
19:16Did you know that?
19:18Because it's true.
19:20Take a moment and look around you, and you'll find that there is beef on all sorts of things.
19:29We don't notice it, because we're too busy living our lives.
19:33But it's there.
19:37Look.
19:38There's beef on that telephone cord.
19:41You see it?
19:43That's beef.
19:46You see the beef here?
19:49Where is it?
19:51Oh?
19:52Oh?
19:53There it is.
19:55It's up in that tree.
19:58Were you surprised to see it there?
20:00I was.
20:03I remember when I first discovered how much beef there was around me.
20:07I didn't believe it at first.
20:10Once you notice it, it's unmistakable.
20:14Beef is everywhere.
20:16There is literally no thing in this world that doesn't, at one time or another, have beef
20:22on it.
20:23Or near it.
20:24Or beneath it.
20:26It's just the way the world is.
20:29There are things.
20:31There is beef.
20:34Sometimes beef is on things.
20:39Sometimes I think it's a good thing that most people don't notice all that beef all over
20:44the place.
20:45They feel like it would cause all sorts of difficulties.
20:51And what does it all mean?
20:54I don't know.
20:56Does it have to mean anything?
20:59The simple fact is, there's beef everywhere.
21:03And we barely even notice.
21:06Even when it's staring us right in the face.
21:13I sometimes wonder if all that beef notices us.
21:18Or maybe it's too busy living its life.
21:24Oh, what can we do?
21:27You can be Napoleon, and I'll be a Waterloo.
21:30We'll be back to fight again for May.
21:33Till then, we'll just be on our way.
21:37Ladies and gentlemen, the Lone Cornmeal Machine.
21:40Each week, when we finish those videos, I say that's the weirdest one yet, but that
21:44one was...
21:45That was just truly strange.
21:48Make sure you tweet at them, Twitter.com slash Lone Cornmeal.
21:51give them a suggestion they will take it they will make videos animations based on your suggestions
21:56that being said human fish what is on your mind right now germ warfare versus german warfare
22:08germ warfare versus german warfare who wins germ warfare
22:21human fish i need to talk to you one to one okay you win this means that we will have beaten a
22:36crew of actual b-boys human fish the battle is win versus lose what are you going to do when
22:46yes not okay not okay not okay are you okay are you all right oh no
23:05oh my god are you okay
23:22we believe in you no
23:33human fish wants the battle human fish wants the battle
23:38she did it she did it
23:41you got a fish
23:47human fish
23:57human fish
23:58human fish
24:00human fish
24:02human fish
24:04Let's go, Vets!
24:25Let's go, Vets!
24:30Vets! Vets! Vets! Vets! Vets!
24:40Vets! Vets! Vets!
24:53Oh, get up, Vets! Get up! Get up!
24:58Good try, good try!
25:00Good try, good try!
25:02Come on!
25:04Keep your proud, baby!
25:06Keep your proud!
25:08No!
25:10No!
25:12No!
25:14Let's work!
25:16Let's work!
25:18Let's work!
25:20Let's work!
25:22Let's work!
25:24Let's work!
25:26FISH!
25:28FISH!
25:30FISH!
25:32FISH!
25:34FISH!
25:36FISH!
25:38Oh! Oh!
25:40That's weird!
25:50Yeah!
25:52Fish wins!
25:54Shannon says fish! Crowd!
25:56Who do you want to win in the crowd, let's grab the sides?
26:02Who wins?
26:04No!
26:06Too mean!
26:08Too mean!
26:10Too mean!
26:12Too mean!
26:14Oh no!
26:28That has to stop happening right now!
26:32I want to be very clear, that is not okay!
26:36That is not okay!
26:38That keeps happening!
26:40You get kicked off the air!
26:42Get out of here, man!
26:44Is you okay?
26:48Human Fish, I know you're in a tough state right now, but I have to ask you,
26:52best part of tonight's show, breakdancing competition or your testicles?
26:56Breakdancing competition!
27:00My testicles!
27:02Yeah!
27:04We now know!
27:08We now know!
27:10And I definitely know!
27:12Because I'm sitting right here!
27:14Human Fish has testicles!
27:18And I also say, Human Fish got nothing to be ashamed of!
27:22Human Fish got nothing to be ashamed of!
27:26My guess, that might work out well for the Human Fish.
27:30Human Fish might rake in a little strange!
27:32I don't think it got on air though, right?
27:34I don't think, I don't know!
27:36Are we good?
27:38My face is not a camera, and that's what was directly in front of me!
27:42But you did record that forever!
27:44Oh yeah!
27:45Oh!
27:46Forever!
27:47Ain't doing too bad, man!
27:49Well, thanks for the battles!
27:51One rule to all future battles is no nudity, forced, or voluntary!
27:57That's literally one of the only rules here at Public Access!
28:01So, let's move on to phase three of our dancing tonight!
28:05Callers, we want to continue with our topic, we want to continue with all your calls, we
28:08also want to put the power in your hands, we want to tell callers, you can call up and
28:11anyone you see on screen, you can ask them if they're willing to dance battle.
28:14So you might call up and go, I want to see Shannon O'Neill take on all the Ouroboros!
28:18You might call up and say, I want to see the Clapping Rabbit take on his friend the
28:22robot!
28:23I want to see Winnie the Pooh versus Flashin' Glasses Man!
28:25I want to see Rob Malone, who we all know is the dancer of The Gethardt Show!
28:30I want to see him go against the banana!
28:32See who wins that battle of supremacy!
28:33So callers, if you want to see battles, dream up what you want and we'll see if people can
28:37do it.
28:38People can refuse if they feel like it, but you're allowed to call up.
28:41Call up and ask for any battles you want, so let's do it up.
28:44That being said, I think we have a caller on the line.
28:46Caller, welcome to The Gethardt Show, how can we help you tonight?
28:49Hey, how are you?
28:50Good, how are you?
28:51I'm doing fine.
28:52You guys are, I can't really hear you that well, so if I talk and you try to cut me off
28:59for anything, I won't really hear you.
29:01Okay, it'll hurt less then.
29:03Okay.
29:04So I broke into three houses.
29:07For what purposes and under what circumstances?
29:12Well, I was in college and it was the holiday vacation where everyone kind of went home for
29:21holidays and I didn't go home.
29:24I stayed in my house at college and I knew that my neighbors were away, so I was kind
29:32of depressed that I had nothing to do.
29:36So I donned myself in all black and I got a duffel bag and I decided, let me see if I
29:41can do this.
29:42Okay, so it was a, it was a personal challenge.
29:46Sorry?
29:47So it was sort of like a personal challenge slash boredom driven thing.
29:51Yeah, I wanted to know if I could be that horrible of a person and get away with it.
29:55Okay, okay.
29:56I don't feel, I'm not very proud of what I did.
29:59It was actually really mean because I was friends with my neighbors, but they were stupid
30:07enough to leave their doors unlocked and their windows unlocked, so I feel like it was justified.
30:13You're a real hero.
30:15So what, what did you get in there?
30:18What did you take?
30:19I got some stereo equipment, a whole bunch of DVDs, computer monitor, I don't, I can't
30:29really, it was a very long time ago, I don't really remember anything else.
30:33Oh, I took a, I took like fetish handcuffs.
30:40What was that?
30:41I took like fetish handcuffs.
30:44Fetish handcuffs.
30:46Like they're like a, like the furry kind of handcuffs.
30:50Yeah, yeah.
30:51That are used for tying your, your significant other up on a bedpost.
30:55But wait, these were your neighbors.
30:56Did they never come into your house and see all their stuff?
30:59Sorry?
31:00Did they ever come into your house?
31:02Like when they got back?
31:04Did the neighbors ever come into my house?
31:05Yeah, they were your neighbors.
31:06Didn't they come over and say like, why do you have my computer monitor and all my DVDs?
31:11Why do you all of a sudden have the Mighty Ducks trilogy and I don't?
31:18I told it all immediately.
31:20Wow.
31:21Wow.
31:22For real.
31:23You're for real.
31:24I am for real.
31:25I feel terrible about it and I have since led a terrible, terrible life, which I feel
31:30is like payment or karma for what I did.
31:33So karma has fucked you?
31:34Huh?
31:35Karma's fucked you then.
31:37Yeah, well, you know, I, I shouldn't have done it and I should have just instead found
31:42something better to do.
31:47That, yeah.
31:48Yeah, that, that ended appropriately said.
31:51I want to, I want to thank that gentleman for calling in because I was worried that by
31:54the end of the night I was going to be the only asshole on the criminal end of this conversation.
31:58Sir, thank you.
31:59Our motivations might have been different, but I appreciate your call.
32:01No, I think the biggest assholes on the criminal end are the Ouroboros.
32:05Wow.
32:06Ooh.
32:07Ooh.
32:08Ooh.
32:09Because they stole the human fish's clothes.
32:10They sexually assaulted the human fish.
32:12Yeah.
32:13Sexually assaulted.
32:14A half man have fish.
32:15Anything goes into battle.
32:16So.
32:17Oh, that's good to know.
32:18That's good to know.
32:19We didn't know that.
32:20So, Kohler, thank you for that call.
32:21Now we do.
32:22That was a really informative call.
32:23Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
32:24Uh, no, I, I just want to see, uh, I want to see Bethany Hall dancing.
32:28Against who?
32:29Against who?
32:30Against who?
32:31Just in general.
32:32I think he means just in general.
32:33Well, it's all battles tonight.
32:34So who do you want her to battle?
32:35Uh, I, oh, I don't care who she battles.
32:37I just want to see her dancing.
32:38You got to name someone.
32:39Who wants to battle Bethany?
32:42Who wants to battle Bethany?
32:43The rabbit.
32:44The rabbit?
32:45The rabbit.
32:46We're going to call for the rabbit.
32:47Bethany Hall versus a rabbit in a dance fight.
32:50Let's go.
32:51Woo!
32:52Woo!
32:53Woo!
32:54Woo!
32:55Woo!
32:56Woo!
32:57Woo!
32:58Woo!
32:59Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:01Woo!
33:02Woo!
33:03Woo!
33:04Woo!
33:05Woo!
33:06Woo!
33:07Woo!
33:08Woo!
33:09Woo!
33:10Woo!
33:11Woo!
33:12Woo!
33:13Woo!
33:14Woo!
33:15Woo!
33:16Woo!
33:17Woo!
33:18Woo!
33:19Oh, my God.
33:49Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
34:03Wow, wow, wow, wow!
34:07Wow!
34:08Wow, wow, wow!
34:13OK, that's music!
34:15The music, the Oroporos, you're our expert.
34:18Who won the battle?
34:20Bethany Rabbit.
34:23B. Rabbit, the new B. Rabbit.
34:25Bethany Rabbit.
34:26Oroporos, I would have to think,
34:28if you remove your enemy's head and wear it,
34:31you win that battle.
34:32You definitely win, right?
34:33It's the most lopsided battle.
34:35Really?
34:36And we also saw, for fans of local TV,
34:39that Rabbit once revealed none other than Jay Miller,
34:41the star of Mid-Evenings from Staten Island and on MNN.
34:45Outed as a rabbit.
34:48Outed as a rabbit.
34:51Bethany, you were legit up there.
34:53It was really great.
34:54I like to dance.
34:57I know you do.
34:58There's too much weird stuff going on.
35:00This is a weird show.
35:02This is a weird show.
35:03It's joyous dancing juxtaposed with thieves revealing truth.
35:07Sexual assault.
35:08Constant sexual assault.
35:10Very tense show tonight.
35:11Let's see a caller.
35:12We have a caller on the line.
35:13Welcome to the Chris Canthard Show.
35:14How can we help you?
35:17You have to turn on your TV or this is not going to end well.
35:29You got the awkward song.
35:31Are you here or not?
35:31I have to hang up if you don't say hello.
35:33All right.
35:35Thank you for the choice.
35:36I have two stories.
35:36What's that?
35:37I have two stories.
35:38Do you want to come up?
35:38You want to be on?
35:39Sure.
35:40Yeah.
35:41Awesome.
35:41You have one of our studio audience members.
35:43This is your first.
35:45Hi.
35:45What's your name?
35:46Tanya.
35:47Tanya, please.
35:47You can take my seat.
35:48This is a first.
35:49Oh, wow.
35:49First time ever, a studio audience member has volunteered to come on the show.
35:52So you said you have two stories.
35:54Two stories.
35:54What are we dealing with here tonight, Tanya?
35:55Thank you for being on the show, by the way.
35:58The first one is about me breaking into my own house.
36:02Okay.
36:02I was 15, and I would sneak out of my house, and I would, like, go out the window and jump
36:11off of the window, like, off of my little roof partition and sneak out of my house to
36:17go to parties.
36:19And there was, like, a ravine, so I would, like, jump over the ravine, but when I was
36:24coming home, I was really drunk and, like, even blackout drunk, and I got, I was, like,
36:32so close to my house, but a cop came, and I got an underage drinking ticket.
36:38And then, um, so I was coming home, and I had to sneak back into my house.
36:43Okay.
36:44So, uh, I crumpled up the ticket, dropped it in front of my front door, and then.
36:51I'm going to say that that wound up being a mistake in the end.
36:53Oh, it was.
36:54Yeah.
36:55Because my mom found it there in the morning.
37:00She must have been plastered.
37:01I was really plastered.
37:02Can I also say, if you were 15, sneaking out, and getting drunk, you and I would never
37:06have, you would never have spoken to me in high school.
37:09Zero percent chance you would have looked in my direction, and I probably would have
37:12been in love with you.
37:15Anyway.
37:16We may have had sloppy sex in high school.
37:19Okay, reservoir dog.
37:21Okay, reservoir dog.
37:22So, uh, what I did was I climbed that big steeple thing that goes up, you know, like the whatever
37:33receives radio waves, and I got onto my roof, and I, it, now, I ended up climbing, and this
37:42was, like, shortly after I blacked out, and I had to climb the, um, the steeple part of
37:49the roof around to where my brother's window was, and I was literally, like, hanging on,
37:55like, somehow in my drunken state, and tapped on his window and got inside.
38:00Older brother?
38:01Younger brother?
38:02Younger brother.
38:02So you terrified him.
38:03Yeah.
38:04Okay.
38:05And then, I, like, everyone was sleeping, so I went downstairs, and lo and behold, the
38:12door was unlocked.
38:13The front door.
38:15So that's the first story.
38:17Um, the second story is my brother, he was, like, tripping off of mushrooms one night.
38:25I wasn't with him, actually, at all.
38:28Um, but he swears to me that what happened was he was in this altered state of mind, and
38:34he broke into someone's house, and he happened to, along this trail of experience that he was
38:42having, had a baseball bat in his hand.
38:45So the person whose house it was thought that he broke into that person's house and was a
38:52threat, and so my brother actually got a ticket for it, but he swears to me that because he
38:57was in this altered state of mind, he had thought that it was his friend's house, and he had
39:02no intention of stealing anything or anything like that, but this is seriously a ticket on
39:08his record.
39:09Like, this is something on his record.
39:10He was just going to his friend's house with a baseball bat, though.
39:12In the middle of the night, he was like, I just thought we were going to go play ball.
39:14Yeah, like, he, like, he was tripping, and somehow he had that.
39:20I feel like you're saying, though, like, my brother didn't deserve the ticket, but he
39:24did get super fucked up and break into a stranger's house wielding a bat.
39:28So he deserved the ticket.
39:29That should be against the law.
39:31But he wasn't actually...
39:32Your brother would have beat me up in high school.
39:35He definitely would have.
39:36He definitely would have.
39:37So that was my story.
39:39Well, thank you very much for your story.
39:41Anything else tonight?
39:42Anyone?
39:43Any battles you want to see here in Chris's mind, or should we just move on?
39:46Um...
39:47No, someone else could do a battle.
39:48Okay, okay.
39:49Sounds good.
39:50Let's go back to the cause.
39:51Tanya, thank you so much.
39:52And Gethard Show first.
39:54I'm glad that worked out well.
39:56Getting fucked up and breaking into houses.
39:58I think we have another caller on the line.
39:59Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
40:00How can we help you tonight?
40:02Hello, this is Anthony.
40:04Anthony, how are you?
40:05Good, how are you?
40:06Good.
40:07What's on your mind?
40:07Um, first of all, I just want to say that I'm outraged by the treatment of the human fish.
40:14The R.O. Moro's laughing, cackling in the corner.
40:18Cackling.
40:18We are all outraged at the treatment of the human fish.
40:20Fish have no rights.
40:21Fish do have rights.
40:22Oh!
40:23Fish do have rights.
40:24Fish has no feelings.
40:25He's a human fish.
40:27Wow, I feel like they came here today.
40:30Yeah.
40:30Matt Besser last week went after the human fish.
40:32Yeah, I have a great story.
40:33Today, our B-boys go after the human fish.
40:35Amazing.
40:35So, Colin, what else is on your mind tonight?
40:38I have a break-in story.
40:39One time, I was dating this chick, and she broke up with me, and she went out with this
40:44really rich guy.
40:45So, instead of my friends, broke into his house.
40:50The rich guy's house?
40:53Wait, you broke into the rich guy's house?
40:55Yeah, me and ten of my friends got into his house.
40:58We, like, we mapped out the whole area.
41:00We planned it out right.
41:02We set up a bunch of distractions, and we got into the guy's house, and he has, like,
41:07this big vault, and we just got into it.
41:11What did you do?
41:12You can't say, can you?
41:15I'm sorry, what?
41:16Are you allowed to say what you did?
41:17Yeah, well, what I did was, my friend, he's from London, he set up a bunch of distractions
41:24through, like, explosions, and then my Asian friend got into a fake vault, and then I switched
41:31it with the real guy's vault.
41:33This is an Ocean's Eleven story?
41:36It's like John Hughes meets Ocean's Eleven.
41:38Yeah, I'll talk to you later, man.
41:41I was, somebody broke into my house once.
41:43Really?
41:44Yeah.
41:45Okay.
41:46Um, this is, this is what happened.
41:49Um, my roommates and I used to have these drug dealers over for breakfast a lot, and,
41:54and they lived in our building.
41:56What'd you guys have, Special K?
41:58No, we were for breakfast.
41:59Oh!
42:02Gee, the motherfucking fun, son.
42:07Oh, my God.
42:09This is the end.
42:09We're getting the entire record show over the door of morals.
42:12Right now, it's going down.
42:14Who do we want to see?
42:15Everybody.
42:15We need to see the rest.
42:16Robin, go.
42:17Who else?
42:17Who else?
42:18Every time record show.
42:20I got a record show.
42:25Whoa!
42:27Whoa!
42:28Whoa!
42:32Whoa!
42:37Whoa!
42:37Whoa!
42:38Whoa!
42:38Shaka, we can work together, work together, sleep together.
42:44Shaka, shaka, that's why I can't live together.
42:51Shaka, baby, shaka.
43:08Shaka, shaka, I don't know, it's just for you.
43:23Shaka, shaka.
43:38Shaka, shaka, shaka.
44:08Shaka, shaka, I don't know, it's just for you.
44:38Shaka, shaka, shaka.
44:42Shaka, baby, shaka.
44:45Shaka, shaka.
44:47Shaka, shaka.
44:51Shaka, shaka.
44:53Shaka, shaka.
44:55Shaka, shaka.
44:57Shaka, shaka.
45:03Shaka, shaka.
45:05Shaka, shaka.
45:07Shaka, shaka.
45:09Shaka, shaka.
45:11Shaka, shaka.
45:13Shaka, shaka.
45:15Shaka, shaka.
45:17Shaka.
45:19Shaka, shaka.
45:21Shaka, shaka.
45:23Shaka.
45:25Shaka.
45:27Shaka.
45:29Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
45:42Oh!
45:44Oh!
45:46Oh!
45:48Oh!
45:50Oh!
45:52Oh!
45:54Oh!
45:56It's Angie.
45:58We love you!
46:00Look out!
46:02Andrew, Emma, everybody, have a
46:04good night! V-ChrisKerrick.com
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