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00:00Betty White, in Life with Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:21Incident number one in the life of Elizabeth occurred in the days before she and Alvin owned a car.
00:27As I recall it, Alvin had a rather stubborn attitude about buying a car.
00:32He either wanted one for each of them or nothing.
00:36That's how Elizabeth looked at the time.
00:39I can tell by the look on her face that she's plotting and planning a way to get Alvin to buy a car for himself.
00:45Elizabeth, how are you tonight?
00:48Tell me something.
00:50Why won't Alvin buy a car?
00:54Oh, he thinks you'd always be borrowing it.
00:57You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you?
01:01I'm going to convince him that he needs a car and you won't borrow it.
01:06Oh, you're going to try to make him think you're too stupid to learn to drive.
01:11Pretty sneaky, Elizabeth.
01:16Hello, sweetheart.
01:18How are you?
01:18Hello, darling.
01:19Glad to see you.
01:20Have a nice day?
01:21Oh, just wonderful.
01:22Just wonderful.
01:23Good.
01:24Anything go all right?
01:25Just smooth.
01:26Everything's fine.
01:28We can soon fix that.
01:29Hmm?
01:30I said, where'd your hat?
01:32Oh, I left it in the hall.
01:41What are you doing, Elizabeth?
01:45Testing my reflexes, Alvin.
01:46Nothing happens.
01:50I don't seem to be hooked up.
01:52Maybe your battery ran down.
01:54Here, let me try it.
02:00Did you see that?
02:02Yes, I saw it.
02:03And whom do you think you're kidding?
02:05This happens to be little Alvin, you know.
02:09Did it again, honey.
02:10No.
02:11Do you think maybe I have a short in my nerves?
02:13No, I think you've blown a fuse in your head.
02:17All right, all right.
02:18Cut it out.
02:18Come on, cut it out.
02:21It won't work.
02:22I know your little tricks.
02:24It won't?
02:25It will not.
02:26Trying to make me think that all of a sudden
02:28your knees are hooked up to your elbows.
02:31Well, it isn't all of a sudden.
02:32That's just it.
02:33It's been this way for years.
02:34Oh.
02:35That's why I can't scrub the floor.
02:38Why not?
02:39Every time I get down on my knees,
02:41my arm's flat.
02:46Oh, sweetheart.
02:48Don't look so worried.
02:49I'm only kidding you.
02:51Well, I'm glad to hear that.
02:53Oh, honey, that feels good.
02:54You like that.
02:55Mm-hmm.
02:57You know, seriously, though,
02:58my reflexes aren't too good.
03:00For instance, I bet I never could learn to
03:03drive a car.
03:05Oh, sure you could.
03:06If I thought you could, I'd buy one tomorrow.
03:08I know.
03:09Hmm?
03:10I said that's all.
03:12Hmm.
03:14Alvin.
03:15Hmm?
03:15Teach me to drive.
03:17Oh, honey, I'd have to rent a car.
03:18Besides, I'm much too...
03:19No, you wouldn't.
03:20You wait right there.
03:21I've got an idea.
03:21Elizabeth, where are you going?
03:24Elizabeth, there's no time for that foolishness now.
03:28Here.
03:29You...
03:29I want to get this out the way I've got to find you.
03:32Don't.
03:33Get the T-wagon over on its side.
03:35Do you want to help me?
03:36And this can be the car.
03:37Well, you always get carried...
03:39The car.
03:40Which way?
03:41This one?
03:41Uh-huh.
03:42You get carried away with each other.
03:43There we go.
03:44What kind of a car is this supposed to be?
03:47A Model T.
03:50No, you see, this can be the steering wheel,
03:52and then this can be the grinder.
03:55The grinder?
03:56The grinder?
03:58Yeah, you know, the thing you do this to
04:00when you want to go forward
04:01and it makes a grinding noise.
04:03Elizabeth, that is the gear shift.
04:05Who have you been driving with lately, anyway?
04:08Mama.
04:09Yes, yes.
04:11All right.
04:12Listen to me carefully.
04:13First, you turn the key on.
04:15Clutch is over there.
04:16The brake is by your right foot.
04:17The accelerator's here.
04:18There's a gas meter here.
04:18There's a choke here.
04:19Keep your foot on the clutch.
04:20Be sure.
04:20Whenever you get the car started,
04:21you put it into the low gear.
04:22Shift into the second gear.
04:23Gain a little more speed
04:24than throw it into high gear.
04:25Now, have you got all of that?
04:26Sure.
04:28How do I turn the key on?
04:32Elizabeth, I'll turn the key on for you.
04:34Now, how am I going to learn to do it
04:35if you do everything for me?
04:37All right.
04:37Go ahead.
04:38Start the car, Elizabeth.
04:38The starter's over there.
04:40Honey, I know all that.
04:41I've already started the car
04:42and we're out on the highway.
04:44Well, that was quick.
04:46How fast are we going?
04:48Oh, about 30 billboards an hour.
04:53All right, Elizabeth.
04:54Now, we're out on the highway.
04:55We're driving along
04:55and there's a truck going this way.
04:57Now, we want to pass the truck.
04:59Go ahead.
04:59Let me see you pass him.
05:03Well, go ahead and pass him.
05:05I did.
05:06You didn't even turn the steering wheel.
05:08He was going the other way.
05:14Elizabeth, there is another truck
05:15and it is going just like this,
05:17the same way that we are going
05:19and you want to pass him.
05:21Go ahead and pass him.
05:22Where are you getting all these trucks?
05:25Same place you're getting
05:26all of these stupid answers.
05:28Pass him.
05:29What kind of a truck is it?
05:31Elizabeth, it doesn't make any difference.
05:32Will you pass the truck?
05:38How's that?
05:39Elizabeth, you pass the truck
05:40on the right side.
05:41You'll get us both killed doing that.
05:43Never pass a truck on the right side.
05:45Don't be silly.
05:46We're in England.
05:50Well, we are.
05:51You know how.
05:51In England, they...
05:52Elizabeth, Elizabeth, I know.
05:53I know.
05:54They drive on the wrong side of the road.
05:56Now, pay attention to your driving.
05:57We're driving...
05:58By the way,
05:59how did we get to England?
06:01Must be the fog I'm in.
06:06Elizabeth, you may smirk all you like,
06:08but I'm going to teach you
06:09to drive this car
06:10if it takes me all night long.
06:12Quit looking at me.
06:13Keep your eye on the road.
06:14Now,
06:15we're driving along the highway.
06:17We're coming up a real steep hill.
06:20Now, the car won't make it in high,
06:21so what do you do?
06:24How steep is the hill?
06:25It's about like this.
06:27It's about like that.
06:28What do you do?
06:30Get out and push.
06:31Elizabeth.
06:33Change tires?
06:35Elizabeth, I love you, honey,
06:36and you're wonderful,
06:37but you're about to keep your eye on the road.
06:39You're the world's worst driver.
06:41I was hoping you'd say that.
06:44Elizabeth, this is one of your funny jokes.
06:45There's no time for that.
06:46If we're going up a steep hill
06:47and the car won't make it in high,
06:49you simply put the grinder,
06:51the shift,
06:51into second.
06:53Go ahead.
06:53Put it in second.
06:54Right there.
06:55That's it.
06:56Go on up.
06:59It won't make it in second, Alvin.
07:01It's a pretty steep hill, huh?
07:03Okay, let's put her in low.
07:04Come on.
07:05Put her down here in low.
07:07There we are.
07:10It won't make it in low either.
07:13Well, what are we doing?
07:13Driving up the front of Boulder Dam?
07:15Alvin, take the wheel.
07:17Don't get excited.
07:18Don't get excited.
07:19We're going backwards.
07:20Wait a minute.
07:20Watch it.
07:20Watch it.
07:20Take your foot off the brake.
07:21Watch it.
07:21I'm totally holding it.
07:22Watch the flying glasses.
07:24Stand back.
07:25Right.
07:25I'm sorry, sweetheart.
07:36I guess I'll just never be a good driver.
07:40I don't think you will either, Elizabeth.
07:41That's why I shall leave you at this point.
07:46You got an idea?
07:48Wait until I drive the new car home tomorrow night and judge for yourself.
07:54Good night, Elizabeth.
07:57Elizabeth.
07:59Wouldn't it have been easier just to ask him to buy a car?
08:02You have more fun this way, huh?
08:05Aren't you ashamed?
08:11Incident number two in the life of Elizabeth occurred when Alvin and Elizabeth first moved
08:16into their present home on Elm Street.
08:18As I recall it, Alvin was down in the basement trying to replace a fuse or something and not
08:25being too familiar with the wiring in the house wasn't having too much luck.
08:29That's the basement I was telling you about.
08:34This is the very first time Alvin has ever been down here.
08:36For as I say, he and Elizabeth have only just moved in.
08:40The object on the left is a dummy.
08:43The object on the right is Alvin.
08:46You can tell them apart because the object on the right is checking the fuses.
08:51Let's see, fuse number one.
08:53Now, that should take care of the kitchen.
08:54This one should take care of the hall light.
08:57If I'm not mistaken.
09:06Alvin?
09:07Oh, hi, honey.
09:09Coming down to keep me company, huh?
09:12Well, I was scared up there all alone.
09:15Well, don't stand there.
09:16Come on down.
09:19Is it safe?
09:20Elizabeth, I will personally lead you through the trackless waste.
09:27Come on.
09:28What's over there?
09:30Three tigers, but I think they're asleep.
09:32Elizabeth, don't be ridiculous.
09:33Come on.
09:35Well, good shot, Annie Oakley.
09:38It's all well and good for you to stand there grinning like a Cheshire cat, but I'm scared.
09:42When I'm scared, I don't fool around.
09:45What are you afraid of?
09:47Spiders.
09:48Oh, honey.
09:49I got him.
09:50Right between the eyes.
09:52What you mean between the eyes?
09:54Alvin, everybody knows that there's only one eye in spider.
10:00Now, everything's back to normal.
10:01Okay, anybody that tells jokes like that has to be brave.
10:05Okay.
10:07What are you doing down here, anyway?
10:09All light is on.
10:10I came down to check the fuses.
10:11Would you move out of my way, honey, please?
10:15Something like this one right here should be it.
10:21Why does this thing come on?
10:24Help!
10:24Elizabeth!
10:25Look at that.
10:27Elizabeth.
10:28That happens to be a dummy.
10:30For a minute, I thought I shot her head off.
10:36Elizabeth, if you'll stop acting silly, I could use your help.
10:47Elizabeth, please.
10:50Help me here.
10:51What do you want me to do?
10:53I want you to run upstairs and let me know if the hall light comes on.
10:55Go ahead, run along.
10:57All the way upstairs by myself?
10:58Elizabeth, you can take your rifle.
11:00Go on.
11:03You'll be sorry when you find me dead on the stairs in the morning.
11:06All right, on the stairs.
11:07Let me know when the light comes on.
11:11All right, honey, I'm putting in the new fuse.
11:14What happened?
11:16She just defrosted the refrigerator.
11:19All right, we'll try the other one, then.
11:21Go on upstairs again.
11:23I'm getting spooky up there.
11:24Elizabeth, don't be ridiculous.
11:26Come on upstairs.
11:27Here's my heavens.
11:34Okay, trying the other one now.
11:37Okay, what happened?
11:40The porch light went on.
11:42Elizabeth, don't be ridiculous.
11:43We don't even have a fuse in here for the porch light.
11:45The porch light across the street?
11:47Yeah.
11:49All right, it must have been a coincidence, then.
11:51Go out, try the other one.
11:52Go on upstairs again.
11:53Oh, Alvin, please.
11:54Can't we do this in the daylight, please?
11:56Will you stop being such a baby about this?
12:00I'm ashamed of you.
12:02Heavens.
12:06All right, okay, here she goes.
12:11What happened?
12:15Elizabeth!
12:16The car headlights went on.
12:19Elizabeth.
12:20Come here.
12:21Sit down, Elizabeth.
12:22Sit down, please.
12:27Elizabeth, the car lights didn't go on, did they?
12:32Elizabeth.
12:34Elizabeth, you haven't even been upstairs, have you?
12:36Why not?
12:37I was scared.
12:45Elizabeth, do you think that you could possibly do this for me?
12:50Do you think that you could stay down here while I go upstairs and see if the light goes on?
12:56I'll try, Alvin.
12:57And turn this fuse in this socket.
13:00Honey, I'm afraid of electricity.
13:02Elizabeth.
13:04I'll do it.
13:05All right, wait till I get up there.
13:12Okay, Alvin, I'm going to turn it now.
13:20Alvin?
13:21Alvin, what's that noise?
13:23Alvin?
13:26That was the washing machine.
13:30You told me to turn that.
13:31Never mind what I told you.
13:32Let's try the next one right here.
13:35All right?
13:36All right.
13:36Any time to get upstairs.
13:41Okay, Alvin?
13:44Here goes.
13:49Alvin!
13:49Alvin!
13:49Alvin!
13:49Alvin!
13:50Alvin!
13:51Alvin!
13:51Alvin!
13:51Alvin!
14:00Elizabeth.
14:02Have a seat, please.
14:04Sit down.
14:05Elizabeth, you're a coward.
14:12I know it.
14:13You're afraid of electricity.
14:14You're afraid of spiders.
14:15You're afraid of a dummy.
14:16I'm a sissy.
14:17You're afraid to be alone.
14:18You're afraid of noises.
14:18I know it is.
14:21Well, aren't you ever frightened of anything?
14:23Well, of course I am.
14:24But I'm frightened about big things like a runaway truck or dynamite sticks or things like that.
14:30What was that?
14:30I don't know.
14:31I don't know.
14:32I don't know.
14:33There's a little mouse.
14:34But anyway.
14:35What about a runaway truck?
14:36There was a mouse.
14:37Where was any mouse?
14:37What did you see a mouse?
14:39There's a little mouse.
14:40Elizabeth, stay back there.
14:41Elizabeth, go get the cat.
14:43Oh, honey.
14:44Get the cat.
14:45Get the trap.
14:46Get your gun.
14:47Oh, be silly.
14:48Stay back.
14:49Little.
14:50Little.
14:51Little.
14:52Baby.
14:52I don't want to see.
14:53You have a ball.
14:53You got a whiskies, honey?
14:54Look at those little.
14:55Look at their ears, honey.
14:57I'm cute.
14:58I don't want to see.
15:00I don't want to see those beady eyes.
15:01I don't want to see them.
15:02There's a little.
15:06Oh, my mouse.
15:11Are we even?
15:17We're even.
15:18Oh, sorry.
15:25Incident number three in the life of Elizabeth occurred the night Alvin asked his name.
15:30And the really remarkable part of it is that Alvin told Elizabeth about it ahead of time.
15:40That's Alvin welcoming his boss to his home.
15:43A character clutching his hat is Mr. William J. Fuddy, lord of all he surveys, including Alvin.
15:52Okay, fellas, you can come to life now.
15:55May I take your hat, Mr. Fuddy?
15:56Before I remove my hat, there's something you must know.
15:59Yes, Mr. Fuddy?
16:00I'm wearing a new toupee.
16:02Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with your appetite.
16:04Stop chattering, Alvin.
16:06Yes, Mr. Fuddy.
16:08Mr. Fuddy, that's perfectly normal.
16:10Alvin?
16:11Yes?
16:11I prefer not to discuss the subject any further.
16:14Well, just as you say, Mr. Fuddy, but I see no reason to make a fuss of...
16:16Where's Elizabeth?
16:17Oh, she'll be here in a minute.
16:18Elizabeth!
16:19Oh, that reminds me.
16:21I have a little gift for Elizabeth in the car.
16:23I'll be right back.
16:23Oh, that's nice.
16:26Elizabeth.
16:27Hey, Elizabeth, honey.
16:28I thought I heard Mr. Fuddy's voice.
16:30You did, honey.
16:30He'll be right in.
16:31Look, Mr. Fuddy is wearing a new toupee tonight.
16:34So what?
16:34Lots of men wear them.
16:35Oh, honey, not Mr. Fuddy.
16:37Look, he's very sensitive about his toupee.
16:39You should have heard the production he made of it a moment ago.
16:41I can't see why anybody would be self-conscious about a thing like that.
16:45Elizabeth, please, my boss, don't...
16:45Honestly, sometimes I think you men are more vain than women.
16:48Elizabeth, that kind of an attitude will lead to one thing for us.
16:51Unemployment.
16:52Now, do me a favor.
16:53Stay away from the subject completely.
16:54Don't mention hair, scalp, or anything that has to do with the head or the hair when he gets here.
16:59Well, Alvin, for heaven's sake, give me credit for a little common sense, will you?
17:03After all, there are a lot of things to talk about besides Mr. Fuddy's head.
17:06What did you say?
17:07Uh, she was just saying that when it comes to bosses, you're way ahead, Mr. Fuddy.
17:11Oh.
17:13That's right.
17:13Hello, Mr. Fuddy.
17:14Hello, Elizabeth.
17:15I brought a little gift for the charming hostess.
17:21You know, Alvin's been telling me what a wonderful cook you are, and I've been looking forward to this evening for a long time.
17:28Elizabeth, my face is down here.
17:32Oh, of course.
17:34Well, sure, Miss...
17:35Oh, how sweet of you.
17:38Oh, it's nothing, Reese.
17:38Thank you so much.
17:39Why don't we...
17:40We're all ready to go.
17:40Why don't you sit right down here?
17:42Oh, thank you, Mr. Fuddy, and darling, you sit over here, please.
17:46Yes, dear, I will.
17:49This table looks wonderful.
17:51Elizabeth, what are we having for dinner tonight?
17:54Veal scallopini.
17:58What's that about a scalp?
18:00Oh, no, she said veal scallopini.
18:03That's Italian meat done in Italian style.
18:05They cut it in a little piece of alphabon.
18:07Oh, yes.
18:07Uh-huh.
18:08I think you'll like it, Mr. Fuddy.
18:09We have a wonderful butcher.
18:10Oh, well, good butchers are hard to find these days.
18:14What's his name?
18:15You wouldn't be interested, Mr. Fuddy.
18:17Just a common, ordinary...
18:18Well, why not, darling?
18:19He's a wonderful butcher.
18:20Oh, don't pay any attention to alphabon.
18:22What's his name?
18:23Mr. O'Hare.
18:29Oh, Sullivan.
18:32O'Toole.
18:33Oh, dear.
18:35Tell him about the price of the meat, honey.
18:36Would you please?
18:37It's going up now.
18:38Well, no matter what the prices are, it's never too much to pay.
18:45Please.
18:46Did I say too pay?
18:48You couldn't say too expensive.
18:51Elizabeth, I think you'd better...
18:53I think I'd better get the food.
18:54Yes, I think you'd better.
18:59Charming girl.
19:00How are things at the office, Mr. Fuddy?
19:03Well, sales are way down.
19:04Really?
19:05Salesmen are driving me crazy.
19:07They keep coming to me with crazy ideas.
19:09Yes, well...
19:10They seem to forget that I'm head of the firm.
19:13You're absolutely right, Mr. Fuddy.
19:15You have to keep a firm head.
19:16Absolutely.
19:17Hand!
19:18Elizabeth, don't talk.
19:19Just service.
19:20Would you please, too?
19:21Well, all I meant was, sweetheart, if there's anything Mr. Fuddy doesn't need, it's hair-brained, I'd... this.
19:28Elizabeth, uh, this?
19:30Care for some cheese toupée?
19:31Soufflé?
19:32Oh, thank you.
19:33My, my, this looks delicious here.
19:35Mm-hmm.
19:36Well, thank you.
19:37Alvin, would you care for some time?
19:39Thank you, dear friend.
19:39You can see Elizabeth and me put that hair.
19:43If you burn this face, it seems to put some time on it.
19:47That must have been a hair-raising experience.
19:51Hair-raising?
19:54Did you really do that a little bit?
19:57I guess, see, Alvin says I did.
19:59I guess I must have.
20:00You bet.
20:03How about some fresh wigs?
20:05Thanks!
20:06Not right now, thank you.
20:08Oh, this is wonderful food, Alvin.
20:10Your wife is a good cook.
20:12Yes, she is.
20:14Alvin.
20:15Do you feel a draft in here?
20:18No, I don't.
20:20Alvin, where are the thumbtacks?
20:22Elizabeth!
20:26What's the matter with you two?
20:27Nothing.
20:28We do this all the time.
20:29Just sort of...
20:30Mr. Fuddy, it's time you and I had a little talk.
20:32Elizabeth, no.
20:33Yes.
20:34Unemployment?
20:35Alvin told me you were self-conscious about your new toupée,
20:38and in trying to avoid the subject, I made a fool of myself.
20:40Elizabeth, some other time.
20:41In the morning now...
20:42Alvin, please, let her talk.
20:44The office.
20:44Well, it's true, Mr. Fuddy.
20:46I think that we ought to talk about our sensitivities,
20:49and then that way we're no longer self-conscious about them.
20:53You mean like when people walk up to me and say,
20:56Hi, egghead!
20:57I should just laugh it off?
20:59That's exactly what I mean.
21:01Of course you should.
21:02Gee, everybody's self-conscious about something.
21:06The shape of their nose or freckles or something.
21:10You should laugh and talk about it.
21:12That way you get rid of the phobia.
21:14You want to try it?
21:15You're a smart girl, Elizabeth.
21:17Of course I'll try.
21:20Alvin, call Mr. Fuddy an egghead.
21:23Who, me?
21:24Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
21:24Call me an egghead.
21:26Here, here, maybe this will help.
21:27There, now, call me an egghead.
21:30Should I really?
21:31Oh, yeah.
21:33Mr. Fuddy, you're a...
21:34You're an egghead.
21:40Try melonhead.
21:42Oh, I...
21:42Go on, go on, Alvin.
21:43Try melonhead.
21:44Have a go at it, really?
21:45Uh, Mr. Fuddy, you're a melonhead.
21:52You're fired.
21:53Uh, Mr. Fuddy, you said that you were...
21:55You told me that you wouldn't...
21:56Did you see the expression on his face?
21:59I didn't mean it, Alvin.
22:00Oh, I'm not fired?
22:01Oh, this is wonderful, Elizabeth.
22:03This is fun.
22:04What are you self-conscious about?
22:06Well, these bony shoulders, for one thing.
22:09Oh, they're not bony, are they, Alvin?
22:11Oh, to me, they are.
22:13Well, then, let's talk about them.
22:15Yeah, let's do it.
22:15Uh, do you mind if I call you Clara Clavicle?
22:24I wish I had thought of that.
22:26Well, Elizabeth,
22:29a dress that you're wearing would look better hanging on a nail.
22:32There's the money.
22:34Now, stay out of it, Alvin.
22:35Now, it's Alvin's turn.
22:37You must be sensitive about something.
22:40I hate to disappoint you,
22:41but I'm not sensitive about anything.
22:46Uh, hi, fatso.
22:50You know, Alvin's gonna outlive all of us.
22:53How is that?
22:54The survival of the fat.
22:56Oh, we've been having so much fun,
23:03we've let the food get cold.
23:04Oh.
23:04Uh, would you please pass the cheese toupee, bony?
23:09Are you sure you wouldn't grab him some fresh wigs?
23:12Oh, no, thank you.
23:13Say, how about some scallopini egghead?
23:16You're fired.
23:17I quit.
23:20Hey.
23:20Hey.
23:22Say goodbye to the people.
23:25Goodbye, everybody.
23:26Say goodbye to you is the lovely star of our show, Betty White.
23:41Thank you, Jack.
23:43And thank you.
23:46And now, until we see you again, once more, goodbye, everybody.
24:19Thank you very much.
24:29Thank you very much.
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