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00:00Betty White, in Life with Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:20Number one in the life of Elizabeth occurred the day she almost maneuvered the planting of a tree in the middle of the patio.
00:27In case you didn't know it, getting a tree planted in the patio has been one of Elizabeth's most unsuccessful projects.
00:37Elizabeth, how are you? Are you still going to try to plant a tree in the patio?
00:43Well, what kind of a tree? I don't get it.
00:47Oh, now that means oak-kay, oak, an oak tree?
00:52You think it'll work this time?
00:57I'm not going to ask you why you were doing that, because if I do, you'll tell me, and I'm in no mood for stupid questions and answers.
01:04I came out here to read my paper, and that's what I'm going to do. Excuse me?
01:07Well, that's a fine way to start the afternoon.
01:13Oh, brother, here we go again.
01:20Ah, Alvin.
01:22Wait a minute. Turn off the teeth, Elizabeth.
01:25Put your jaw back in place. Elizabeth. Okay. Now, you're showing all the symptoms of one of your tricks. I'm in no mood for tricks. You tell me exactly what's on your mind, and nothing else.
01:40Well, I was just thinking that it'd be...
01:42Wait a minute. No, well, I was just thinking. Just say, I want a new hat, or I want to paint the house, or I want a hundred dollars.
01:47How did you guess?
01:48Which one?
01:49All of them.
01:50All of them.
01:51How did you guess?
01:52All of them.
01:53How did you guess?
01:54I remember.
01:55How are you?
01:56Oh, my God.
01:57What?
01:58What?
01:59Oh, my God.
02:00Oh, my God.
02:01Come on.
02:02Come on.
02:03What's up?
02:04All of them.
02:07Well, that's a problem.
02:18Elizabeth, you come back here and fight with me.
02:26Come on, let's fight up here where it's cooler.
02:30All right, what's on your mind and no tricks?
02:33I still want to plant a tree in the middle of the patio so we'll have some shade.
02:37No.
02:38And just in case you don't understand English, I'll say it in Spanish.
02:42No.
02:42And now I'll say it in Italian.
02:45No.
02:46Say it in German.
02:49Nine.
02:50I only want one.
03:01Um, honey, as long as I, you won't let me plant an oak tree, may I put this skinny little thing?
03:09Yeah, I guess so.
03:18Let's go fight in the house.
03:41Elizabeth, what kind of a plant is this?
03:45An oak tree.
03:49Elizabeth, we both know it'll be 40 years before this thing even looks like a tree.
03:56What kind of a scheme did you have in mind?
03:58Well, I was going to plant that and then have them move in a big tree the first time you went on a business trip.
04:07And how are you going to explain the sudden growth?
04:11Rich soil.
04:12Well, it's been years now.
04:15You've been trying to get me to plant a tree out here.
04:17Why?
04:19Because of the dead spot.
04:21What dead spot?
04:23Haven't you ever noticed, Alvin?
04:24No.
04:25Well, from here to there, the deer's dead.
04:27You can't hear a thing.
04:28Honey, you're talking to little Alvin now, not Space Cadet Sam.
04:32You know.
04:32Really, honey?
04:33Yeah.
04:33Now, you don't believe me.
04:35Watch this.
04:35Just watch.
04:40You see?
04:42So I figured if we planted a tree there, then the dead spot wouldn't be such a nuisance.
04:45Never give up trying, do you?
04:48You watch.
04:49Now watch this.
04:50One, two, three.
04:52Eight, nine, ten.
04:54You see?
04:55Mm-hmm.
04:55Do, re, mi.
04:56Ti, do.
04:58Elizabeth, where's this supposed dead area?
05:02Right here?
05:03All righty.
05:04Six thousand, seven thousand, eight thousand, nine thousand, ten thousand.
05:08You see, I heard every word I said.
05:09Every single word.
05:11Yeah, but I didn't.
05:13You didn't?
05:14No, you blacked out at eight thousand.
05:16I blacked.
05:17This thing can be dangerous, Elizabeth.
05:19Watch it.
05:20I think I have a solution, Alvin.
05:22Why don't we plant a tree there?
05:23Yeah, go ahead.
05:24It's all right.
05:24Look, stand in there once and yell Alvin again, will you?
05:27Real loud.
05:29Loud?
05:29I heard it.
05:33How do you want to get the phone lost?
05:41I believe you at this point, Elizabeth.
05:45Good day.
05:47Elizabeth, aren't you ashamed?
05:53The number two in the life of Elizabeth occurred when Alvin tried to repair the TV set with all that high of voltage and everything.
06:01Naturally, Elizabeth is afraid somebody's going to have to repair Alvin.
06:06Alvin, get open that set.
06:08Honey, will you stop being a baby and come over here and help me?
06:12Really, darling?
06:13I read about half a dozen times you shouldn't fool around with the television set.
06:18Please, get away.
06:19It's liable to explode or something.
06:21It won't blow up.
06:22Will you stand over here and tell me what you see on the screen?
06:24Please, I read where they're just full of electricity.
06:30Twenty million volts or something.
06:34Not bolts.
06:35Volts.
06:36There's no time to discuss politics.
06:38Look, I have a little message that I would like to have you read aloud, oh, courageous one.
06:48No, Alvin, please.
06:49Oh, see how bravely she approaches her doom.
06:53Honey, I...
06:54Now, Elizabeth, come on.
06:56Now, read My Fearless Companion.
06:59Where?
07:00There on the back of the set.
07:01What does it say?
07:05Ant.
07:06That's short for antenna.
07:08That's not what I meant.
07:09Read right there.
07:13Vert.
07:14That's short for vertical lines.
07:15Go on.
07:19Goond.
07:21That's short for ground.
07:23You see, Alvin, the thing's full of shorts.
07:27You read everything except what I wanted you to.
07:29Look, read right there where it says,
07:31there is no danger from high voltage unless you take the...
07:36Go on, read it.
07:38Back off.
07:40Now, there's a warning if I've ever heard one.
07:42Back here.
07:43It says there's no danger from high voltage unless you take the back off.
07:48Now, here.
07:49Sit down right here and tell me...
07:51Now, Elizabeth, sit down and tell me what happens on the screen as I adjust things.
07:55Now, right there.
07:56Okay, but be careful.
07:57I'll be careful.
07:58Anything?
08:02Just some lines going this way.
08:05Honey, we've called the TV repairman.
08:08Can't we wait till he gets here?
08:09Because I want to see the misery-lust company show,
08:12and by the looks of things, he won't be here to see.
08:15Anything?
08:16Just some more lines going this way.
08:18That's funny.
08:19I ought to get something on that channel.
08:20That's a very powerful station.
08:22Maybe they watched the network this afternoon and they can't do a thing with it.
08:26Anything?
08:29Well, it was the best I could do.
08:34More lines going this way.
08:38Looks like somebody tilted somebody's jail.
08:42How about now?
08:43Now the lines are waving.
08:45They're like black and white stripes.
08:47It looks like a mile-long zebra is racing across the screen.
08:52Never mind the clever descriptions, Elizabeth.
08:55Tell me what you see on the screen.
08:57I am.
08:59His front legs have gone by.
09:01As soon as his back legs come through, I'll let you know.
09:03You know something, honey?
09:15If you had a little stand of some sort with a mirror on it,
09:19you could see the screen from back there.
09:22Let's not get any stupid feminine ideas, Elizabeth.
09:26Anything?
09:28The till the jail is back.
09:29No, really, honey.
09:32I'm not kidding.
09:34Like a little music stand or something.
09:36You could put it right here,
09:37and if it had a mirror on it,
09:39couldn't you see the screen from back there?
09:40A music stand.
09:41Only a woman would say a thing like that.
09:45Anything?
09:47The zebra's in jail.
09:51See if there's anything else on tonight.
09:54Anything?
09:55Anything?
09:57Jail.
09:59Hey, your favorite song's on tomorrow at five.
10:05What channel?
10:06Four.
10:08What's it say?
10:09One may hear T for two on four at five.
10:13Good.
10:14Anything?
10:16Zebra.
10:18Alvin, do you think television will ever replace newspapers?
10:22You don't really want an answer, do you?
10:25No.
10:26Tell me what I'm supposed to say so you can tell your joke.
10:28Ask me if I think TV will ever replace newspapers.
10:31Will TV ever take the place of newspapers?
10:34No.
10:35I'm glad.
10:36That's over.
10:36No, you're supposed to ask me why.
10:38Why won't TV ever replace newspapers?
10:41Because you can't put it on the bottom of birdcages.
10:45Honey, I'm going to have to take the back off.
10:47I think that's funny.
10:48You know, I know he's got a newspaper.
10:49And you put it...
10:50No!
10:51No, Alvin, you get away from that set, please.
10:53Well, listen, will you stop being a baby?
10:55Go over in the corner and shiver while I do this.
10:57Please, darling, I mean that's stupid as well as dangerous.
11:01Elizabeth, don't be such a baby.
11:04Now, let's see what we have here.
11:06I'll go get the water.
11:07Water?
11:08What for?
11:09Put you out in case you explode.
11:14Don't explode till I answer the door.
11:21Tyler Talented Television Service.
11:23Oh, come in, Mr. Tyler.
11:24No, I'm Mr. Talented.
11:28Oh, here's a little beast right over here.
11:31Yes, sir.
11:31We're going to have you up and around in no time.
11:34Alvin, it is a little talented.
11:36Well, first things first.
11:37Let's see.
11:40Got here some time.
11:41I think the program's just about to start.
11:44Hey, we might get to see most of it at that.
11:46Mm-hmm.
11:46Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:48Mm-hmm.
11:48Mm-hmm.
11:48Mm-hmm.
11:49Mm-hmm.
11:49Mm-hmm.
11:50Mm-hmm.
11:50Mm-hmm.
11:50Mm-hmm.
11:50Bring home a pound of spaghetti.
11:52That's what the little woman said, yeah?
11:53Nothing wrong with the audio.
11:55It's just the video.
11:56Mm-hmm.
11:57Suppose he doesn't understand jive talk, Daddy-o.
12:04Now, rush, rush, rush.
12:07Time is money.
12:08That's right.
12:10I really know what he was talking about when he said that.
12:12I checked the lead-in for you.
12:14Yes, sir.
12:14Anything that you want me to do, just holler.
12:17If you need any help.
12:17Mm-hmm.
12:18Mm-hmm.
12:18See those guys with little flaskers, you know?
12:24Let's see.
12:25Yeah.
12:26About there.
12:30I'm going to do it.
12:32Yeah.
12:34It can't possibly be that he's going to use that like I suggested.
12:42No, no.
12:43No man would do such a thing.
12:44Mm-hmm.
12:45So you better tell him he can't shave in the living room.
12:47Check that old inflection coil.
12:50Hey.
12:51We'll see.
12:51Vertical sweeps a little dusty.
12:53Sweeps dusty.
12:54Mm-hmm.
12:55Mm-hmm.
12:56Mm-hmm.
12:56Don't you think you ought to warn him about the high voltage?
13:02Oh, goodness sake.
13:03The man's an expert.
13:04He wouldn't think of a thing.
13:06Mm-hmm.
13:06That's it.
13:08This is the future.
13:09Oh, no.
13:10This is about coming, Shane.
13:13Boy, you'll be...
13:14Oh, I'm sorry.
13:16Are you all right?
13:19It isn't all glamour in the TV service game.
13:24I don't think we're going to run about five minutes.
13:28They're coming to the swamp.
13:30Look.
13:33They're coming to the swamp.
13:35Yeah.
13:35Look.
13:36We'll go to the back of the bag together.
13:38Hi.
13:39Hi.
13:39Look.
13:47That is no lost.
13:52That's an alligator.
13:53I know it.
13:54Stop clawing my arm.
14:00Well.
14:02That will be $14.
14:04Oh, no.
14:05Sorry, lady. That's the best I can do.
14:18Here.
14:21Do you have any money, Alvin?
14:27Here.
14:29Here.
14:35Here.
14:38Here.
14:42Well.
14:45I guess that's it.
14:47Well, I'll see you again.
14:51Call to me if you need me.
14:55Bye.
14:57Bye.
14:58Fourteen dollars?
15:06Alvin, did we see that kid was fourteen dollars?
15:10Mrs. Be quiet.
15:12I'm not kidding. He tried to...
15:13Wait, wait, wait. You were right about the alligator. Look.
15:15It is.
15:17That's right.
15:18It is.
15:20Oh!
15:24To the number three in the life of Elizabeth, occurred the night they were driving around and got hungry.
15:29Well, when you're hungry and you're driving around, what better place to stop than in a drive-in?
15:37Here they are, waiting for service.
15:40Looks like Alvin's getting a little impatient.
15:41impatient. I'll bet you anything he honks for service and Elizabeth has to calm him
15:46down. You know how conservative she is. Where's that girl? Honk louder, honey. She
15:55didn't hear you. You're sure an unpredictable character. I bet I know
16:03something else you never would have predicted either. What? I feel kind of
16:07snugly. Me too. Oh, sweetie. Oh, boy. You know, they overdo the moon a little bit in love
16:20songs, but doesn't it look romantic? Where? Right over there. Just rising over the
16:28trolley wires. Oh, yeah, right next to the gas tank. No, darling. Well, look, you see the
16:36junkyard? Mm-hmm. All right, now just to the right. You see that column of smoke
16:42through the small tree? All right, it's between that and the pickle factory. It's beautiful.
16:59Don't look now. The moon just spelled out Crescent Laundry. Oh, here comes the girl.
17:05Oh, good. Hey. Enjoy the meal, darling? How do you like that? For two cents, I've
17:14driving... Oh, now, wait. Now, let's make ourselves a vow. Let's not let anything in the
17:19order. Okay. Just like one of our first dates, okay? Yeah. All right. You'll be real
17:26nice to her. All right, all right. Her name's Babs. Here she comes. Oh, there. Hi. Nice
17:32night. Yeah, hi, Bette. I think she hates us. What are you going to have, sweetie? Now, don't
17:39rush me. Let me see. What'll it be? Now she's fast. Now, remember what we said. We haven't
17:46quite decided yet. How about some steak or hamburgers? What's the difference? One day. I may as well
17:54warn you that my wife has these little spells. She's not too bright. I think she's very
17:58humorous. I thought she was a little more allegro myself. Miss, do you charge for bread?
18:06No, ma'am. Do you charge for gravy? No, ma'am. I'll have some bread and gravy. Still
18:16think she's humorous? Don't pay any attention to him, ma'am. I think you have a wonderful
18:20sense of humor. Well, thank you. We mustn't keep you standing there. I'd like to order
18:26something, Alvin. Is there any soup on the menu? It was, but I wiped it off. It's just
18:32too dangerous. Elizabeth, I heard what you said. You both have a good sense of humor.
18:37I'll be there in a minute. I'll have a hamburger with nothing on it. Just plain, please.
18:45Coffee? No, just plain. Can't you see I'm busy? Some people are so rudimentary.
18:56That's one way of putting it. Just bring me a ham on rye, shoestring potatoes.
19:02Now, let me see. It was a hamburger and a ham on rye. Right.
19:07Shut up! Hamburger and a ham on rye.
19:16Boy, that gal writing her own language.
19:22I think she's just upset because that fella keeps horning in.
19:29That was a joke, Alvin. Yeah, I'll laugh later, honey.
19:32Isn't it quiet out here in the open?
19:40Shut up!
19:44There comes old leather lungs.
19:50I brought you some water to crunch your thirst.
19:53Crunch, Arthur?
19:54Well, maybe she means it has ice in it, Alvin.
19:58Comfy?
19:59Well, could I just get my arms up?
20:01Oh, sure.
20:05Now, let me see.
20:07Yours was the chicken salad and yours was the apple fritters.
20:10Right.
20:11No, the ham on rye.
20:12Ham on rye.
20:13With nothing on it.
20:14French fried potato.
20:16Shut up!
20:18You think she meant us?
20:20Let's just go home, honey. Come on. Get the truck.
20:22Oh, we can't do that. She's probably got the order in already.
20:25Oh, here we are.
20:27I'm sorry I took so long, but the chief is way behind in these orders.
20:30Don't you mean chef?
20:32No, I mean chief. He's an Indian.
20:36Cher a creep?
20:38Nova Joe.
20:39No, who gets the fried oysters?
20:41Not me. I ordered a...
20:42Oh, then this must be yours.
20:44And that leaves a strawberry waffle for you.
20:47No, we ordered a hamburger and a ham sandwich.
20:50Oh, I guess I got your order mixed up with the people in the Buick.
20:56Sure it wasn't the Linkle?
20:59Shut up!
21:04What's she doing now?
21:06She's taking my hamburger away from the people in the Buick.
21:09There's more beef in that argument than there is in the hamburger.
21:11Oh, she's headed this way.
21:14Oh.
21:14Now, look, don't look at me or I'm going to laugh.
21:16Honey, I'm hungry.
21:19I got there too late.
21:27You sure did.
21:30Somebody sure opened his big mouth.
21:32Now, there's two ways to handle this.
21:35Either I get you a new hamburger,
21:36or you take a bite out of his strawberry waffles.
21:41Get me a new hamburger.
21:42And would you tell the chief we're in a hurry?
21:45Chief?
21:46Don't you mean chef?
21:50Shut up!
21:53Now she'd get them before they haul.
21:56Have you ever seen anything like this?
21:57And I'm starved too.
21:59Well, it's a good thing she left us something to crunch our thirst.
22:03Here she comes now.
22:04You know that they couldn't cook a hamburger in that length of time.
22:08Maybe she's been stealing from the people in the Buick again.
22:12Well, here we are.
22:13Who gets the chocolate sodium?
22:15Look, we ordered a hamburger and...
22:18Mine was the sodium.
22:20Oh, good.
22:21Then yours must be the chief Hamlet.
22:22It is no such thing.
22:24I ordered a ham...
22:25Eat the Hamlet, Alvin.
22:27You'll like it.
22:29It's a cheap special receipt.
22:32That's no use, darling.
22:33Then we might just as well take with the chief hands out and then leave.
22:37Yeah.
22:38Oh, I'm sorry, but this belongs to the people in the Cadillac.
22:45Well, come, I had two sips.
22:47Look, how could one person make so many mistakes?
22:50I never make a mistake.
22:52I wrote it all down.
22:54See?
22:54This is a parking ticket.
23:02It's a wonder she didn't bring us an order of fried safety zones.
23:06I wrote down exactly what I wanted.
23:08I'm terribly sorry.
23:10Shut up!
23:11We don't mind.
23:12It was easy for this world.
23:13I'll wait all night long.
23:14I don't care.
23:15No, over here in the station waggle.
23:18Say goodbye to the people.
23:19Goodbye, everybody.
23:20Now here to say goodbye to you is the lovely star of our show, Betty White.
23:29Thank you, Jeff.
23:30And thank you, everybody.
23:32Thanks for letting us back in again tonight.
23:35Incidentally, don't worry about Babs.
23:37She doesn't work at the drive-in anymore.
23:39She's very happy now.
23:40She's lecturing at a charm school.
23:42Until we do here again.
23:45Once more, goodbye, everybody.
23:46Goodbye.
24:47Bye.
24:48Bye.
24:48Bye.
24:48Bye.
24:49Bye.
24:50Bye.
25:08Bye.
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