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00:00Betty White in Life with Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:20Incident number one in the life of Elizabeth occurred the time they were going to try to cram a real long trip into a moderately long weekend.
00:30Anyway, every minute counted. Have you ever done this?
00:39Elizabeth, how are you today?
00:44Hasn't the mailman shown up yet?
00:47Well, can't you leave till he arrives?
00:51Oh, he's bringing a check.
00:53Well, what kind of a check?
00:57Are you chewing a bone?
01:01You and me, us?
01:03He's bringing a bonus check.
01:09Is he here yet?
01:11No.
01:11Are you sure your bonus check is in the mail?
01:14That Cincinnati office never missed yet.
01:16This is the day it always arrives, so just calm down.
01:19You got the camera and the maps?
01:22They're in the car.
01:26Yeah?
01:27No. You got the camera and the maps?
01:29They're in the car.
01:32You don't suppose we could leave without the check, do you?
01:34Oh, honey, we'd never get past Santa Barbara.
01:36That's all the only thing you do is just sit down and wait for the mailman.
01:40Sure.
01:47That's right. Give him plenty of time.
01:48Well, wouldn't it be awful if they didn't send your check today?
01:55After all, there's so many things that can go wrong.
01:58Nothing went wrong.
01:59The mailman isn't here, that's all.
02:01Suppose they forgot to put stamps on the letter.
02:03The Cincinnati office never forgets anything.
02:08You see?
02:09Here we go.
02:14Put him down.
02:16Who is the bread man?
02:20Hi, Regis.
02:25Now, honey, don't look so brought down.
02:28After all, you gave the Williams kid that whistle yourself on his sixth birthday.
02:32I don't know what.
02:33But he's getting a little old for cops and robbers.
02:35He's 15.
02:37Now, sit down and relax.
02:38It's only a little past 10.
02:39He'll bring the check in a few minutes, and away we'll go.
02:43Elvin.
02:43What's the matter?
02:44Suppose it's a new mailman.
02:46Well, so what?
02:47He'll find the house.
02:48No, he won't.
02:49Our house number's all faded from the sun.
02:51Go paint it.
02:52Well, Lisa, there's another one painted on the curb.
02:54You'll find the house.
02:55Will you stop worrying?
02:57But every minute counts.
03:00Yeah, I know.
03:00Let's see.
03:01Today is Friday.
03:02Oh.
03:02We'll need all day Friday and Saturday to get there, so that we can use all day Sunday
03:06and Sunday night to get back.
03:08And I guess it's just 15 minutes to relax and swim and play a couple of sets of tennis.
03:13Elizabeth, if you're being sarcastic, I would like to remind you that you helped plan this
03:16trip with me, you know.
03:17I'm sorry, darling, but we do have to use every available minute.
03:23One detour and we only swim halfway across the pool.
03:27Wait a minute.
03:27I think I hear something.
03:29Is that him?
03:32Is it?
03:34Not unless he sells Tootie Fruity on the side.
03:36I'll put you some cases in the car and help a little bit.
03:39Never mind, Alvin.
03:41What?
03:42I've got it all figured out.
03:44You got all what figured out?
03:45You said the Cincinnati office was efficient, right?
03:48They never miss.
03:49All right.
03:51Picture the scene.
03:52A big, efficient office.
03:54Yeah?
03:55The boss says, Miss Smithers?
03:57And she says, yes, Mr. Croveney?
04:00And he says, be sure Alvin's bonus check is in the mail by the 23rd.
04:05He's probably planning a vacation.
04:07We wouldn't want to disappoint him.
04:08Elizabeth, I think you need a sedative.
04:10I'm just trying to show you how things can go wrong.
04:14And Mr. Croveney probably said, do you have his correct address?
04:18And she says, yes, it's 123 Elm Street, Los Angeles.
04:22But Mr. Croveney probably didn't even let it go at that.
04:24He said, is that Los Angeles, Texas, or California?
04:29So far, all you're proving is that it's in the mail.
04:32Everything's all right so far.
04:34She made out the check, and he signed it,
04:36and she gave it to the office boy to mail to 123 Elm Street, Los Angeles, California.
04:41And then what went wrong?
04:42What happened?
04:43The office boy goofed.
04:45The little rat.
04:47What did he do?
04:50Cincinnati's a baseball town.
04:52The office boy put the letter in his pocket and mailed it after the game.
04:57We won't get our check until this afternoon's mail.
05:00If it's a doubleheader, we don't get it till tomorrow.
05:03Elizabeth, I'm going to call Mr. Fuddy and tell him about that kid.
05:07Dad, Alvin, we don't want to cost the boy his job.
05:10Well, maybe you're right.
05:14Anybody there?
05:15Just the mailman.
05:16Oh.
05:19The what?
05:19Oh, get it?
05:23Oh, bring him in.
05:25Oh, there it is.
05:26Oh, Cincinnati, never forget.
05:28Come here.
05:29Oh, honey, cut it out now.
05:31Come on.
05:32It looks like the light bill.
05:36Light bill?
05:37Honey, look.
05:38$7.50.
05:39Never mind that.
05:40You won't.
05:41Come on.
05:42Here's a letter from Mama.
05:43You want to read it?
05:44Yep.
05:45Honey, cut it out.
05:46No.
05:47What's the food?
05:49Here's a card from the light company.
05:52You want to know why we don't pay our $7.50 light bill?
05:57What is that?
05:57What is that, Poulsen?
05:58I need to do it.
05:59Elizabeth, will you stop acting as the queen of the baby?
06:02Oh, no, it's just a lady.
06:03Oh, sorry.
06:04Oh, I need to do it.
06:05Open her.
06:05Here we go.
06:07Here we go.
06:07Here we go.
06:11Come on.
06:19I hate letters that start out occupant.
06:25Elizabeth, the office boy has got to go.
06:31Hello.
06:33Oh, hello, Mrs. Skinridge.
06:34Bags away.
06:35No, I...
06:37I...
06:38You what?
06:40You...
06:40Don't go away.
06:41Stay right there.
06:42I'll send the office boy after it.
06:44Welcome.
06:44I'll put it back in the mailbox.
06:45In the mailbox.
06:46All right.
06:46Thank you, Miss...
06:47Bags...
06:48Skinridge.
06:48Skinridge.
06:49You buy...
06:50You buy?
06:52Who are they?
06:53Who are they?
06:53It was a new mailman.
06:54He delivered your check to Mrs. Skinridge.
06:56She accidentally steamed it open by mistake.
06:58How much?
06:59$483.
07:00$483.
07:01Yahoo!
07:01Let's go, let's go, let's go.
07:02Go, let's go.
07:03Go, let's go.
07:04Elizabeth, have a good time.
07:10Incident number two in the life of Elizabeth occurred when she was cleaning house one Saturday
07:15afternoon.
07:15It all started when she discovered that Alvin had quite a few things to get off his chest.
07:21The chest of drawers, that is.
07:39Alvin!
07:41Alvin!
07:47Alvin!
07:52Alvin!
07:52Alvin!
07:53I only stole one little piece of cake, and if a man can't take a piece of cake without
07:57his wife screeching all over the house, then something ought to be done.
08:00Honey, I'm saying you're going into show business.
08:02Oh, brother, here we go again.
08:04No, really, it's a magic act.
08:05Now, watch.
08:06Watch.
08:07I call it Vesuvius, an eruption.
08:13Oh, look, you are a sarcastic, nasty little woman.
08:17Thank you, darling.
08:19Oh, now, as an encore, I'm going to figure out what some of this stuff is.
08:23Honey, cut it out.
08:24Now, you're getting everything all mixed up.
08:25What are you about it, honey?
08:27You can always rearrange it with an egg beater.
08:29Don't be kidding, honey.
08:29There's a lot of stuff here that I need.
08:31I bet there's a lot of little goodies here.
08:35Just look backward, boy.
08:36Now, here, honey, look at this.
08:38What?
08:39Here's a program to a show we went to three months ago.
08:41Oh, I'm glad you didn't lose that.
08:43There are a lot of important phone numbers on this, Elizabeth.
08:46A lot of important numbers on these match covers here, too.
08:49See all of these empty covers?
08:50Look at there.
08:51See?
08:52Oh, I thought you'd found a new way to cut down on your smokey.
08:56Come with me, Elizabeth.
08:57I want to show you something.
08:59What?
08:59That's your dressing table, right?
09:01Yeah.
09:02Nary, a phone number in sight.
09:03And as we approach Elizabeth's dressing table, we see useless perfume bottles, row on row.
09:11And in the southern part of the island, which is known as the land of the broken compact,
09:15we slowly open the drawer.
09:17Oh, no, we don't.
09:18Back to Vesuvius.
09:19Come on.
09:20I'm up to you and your little trick, changing the subject.
09:24I learned it from you.
09:26No kidding, honey.
09:26Cut it out now, will you?
09:28Seriously, honey, what is all this stuff?
09:31Four cufflinks?
09:34I'm reasonably certain you only have two arms.
09:37Oh, honey.
09:38Look, you must remember, dear.
09:41Were you a warden in your spare time?
09:43Elizabeth, we men, you know, we are not fortunate enough to carry things around in our purse.
09:47All of this came out of a suit that I sent to the cleaners yesterday.
09:50Leave it alone.
09:51I'm going to take a better look at that suit.
09:54What's that rubber pocket?
09:56What's this?
09:57Give me that.
09:57Give me that.
09:58No, no, no.
09:58Oh, Joe's garage.
10:05Well, at the very least, Elmer's delicatessen.
10:10Phone numbers, just phone, how come just phone numbers and no names?
10:16I remember the names.
10:20Right, whose number is this?
10:22Marzipan, 87691.
10:24Uh, the City Hall.
10:27Wait a minute, how can you tell if I'm right?
10:29I have the most wonderful little book right here.
10:32It's known as the Telephone Directory.
10:34Oh, that's very funny.
10:38That's City Hall, you're right.
10:40You see?
10:41Whose number is this?
10:43Uh, Plymouth, 7, 8, 4, 3, 1, 7, 6, 2, X, 2, 8, 11, 9, 4, 0, 4, 3, 11, 2, 9, 4, 7, 8, 5, 7, 8, 11, 4.
10:57That happens to be the serial number of my dad's car.
11:00Since you're being so snug about this, let's take another little trip back to the land of the perfume bottles.
11:05Now, as we...
11:06Oh, you know, back to the...
11:07Hold your hand over here like this, so we don't get hit in the face.
11:13All right.
11:14No, really, Monica.
11:15Okay.
11:18Oh, honey.
11:22Look, why do we have to do this now?
11:24Well, I know where everything is.
11:28Well, you cut it out.
11:30Well, the way I see it is this, Alvin.
11:32I may have to wander in here and open this drawer by mistake sometime, right?
11:36Oh, stop.
11:37Well, really, and if this stuff jumps out at me, I'm going to be scared, and I'll probably faint.
11:43And I might fall in the middle of all this, and you never would find me.
11:46Funny.
11:47Funny.
11:48Then you'd have to hire a safari, and you know how expensive they are.
11:53I might starve.
11:54Elizabeth, to get back to the original question, why are we doing this now?
11:58Oh, because I want to reline all the drawers today.
12:03Oh.
12:04Oh, Alvin, I hear something you really need.
12:07A broken boomerang.
12:09Hand me that, Elizabeth.
12:11Next time we're in Australia, we're going to have it repaired.
12:13This is not a broken boomerang.
12:16It's a warped ruler.
12:18It's got to be a foot long, isn't it?
12:20We're now about to hear a funny joke.
12:23No, really.
12:23It's a foot from here to here, right?
12:25It's a foot.
12:26That's one foot that'll never have fallen arches.
12:32I made that up.
12:36I don't think I worded it right.
12:40Well.
12:41Boy, you've told some bad ones in your time, but that was worse to the bunch.
12:45You just don't appreciate me and...
12:48Fallen arches.
12:49Oh, honey, now what's your perfectly good jacket doing just crammed in with everything else?
12:54I'll hang it up where it belongs.
12:56Honestly, you men, you crammed everything into a little tiny space.
13:09Hey, Elizabeth.
13:12Yeah?
13:12Since you took that jacket out, I've got plenty of room.
13:14I think I'll organize my things the way you do.
13:16Well, uh, just don't go near the closet.
13:23What?
13:24I said, just don't go, dear.
13:27Who was it?
13:28Is that supposed to be a second?
13:30I don't think I worded it right.
13:34Oh, oh, I see.
13:35It's another one of your crackpot jokes.
13:37Look, you can do this by yourself, honey.
13:38I have work to do.
13:40Wait a minute.
13:40Wait a minute.
13:42I think I want to open this.
13:45I'll bet it's worse mess than mine was.
13:47Go ahead.
13:47Watch your face.
13:51And back.
13:54See?
13:55Packed tightly but neatly.
13:58Yeah.
14:02Not so fast.
14:03Not so fast.
14:03Wait a minute.
14:05Wait.
14:05Wait.
14:05Would you like to explain that?
14:14Yes.
14:21Incident number three in the life of Elizabeth was all Richard's fault.
14:25What it all boils down to is this.
14:27Geraldine just couldn't face Richard's face.
14:31In case you don't remember, Geraldine is Richard's wife.
14:34And Richard's face is on the front of his head.
14:39I don't think I've helped things very much.
14:42Let's go back and see for ourselves.
14:52Getting late.
14:53Yeah, one more chapter.
14:56My gosh.
14:57At 11.30?
15:04Geraldine.
15:08Geraldine.
15:09Honey, put your shoes on.
15:11And go put on a decent shirt.
15:13Be right there.
15:14Look, if she comes calling us this hour, she ought to take us as is.
15:19I mean, if we do that in the other room.
15:21Hey, maybe Richard's been hurt.
15:22Emergency.
15:23Emergency.
15:24Oh, yeah.
15:24Oh, my toe.
15:30Geraldine.
15:30Now, honey, everything's going to be all right.
15:43Tell me all about it.
15:46Alvin, go get some clothes on.
15:52Geraldine, I have to know what happened if I'm going to help you.
15:55I'm sorry.
15:59Is it Richard?
16:01What's happened to him?
16:03He.
16:04He.
16:05Oh.
16:07Geraldine, what's happened to Richard?
16:09If you love him, you have to tell me so I can help.
16:11Love him?
16:13I hate him.
16:14Well, that's more.
16:16Geraldine, I'm talking about Richard.
16:18So am I.
16:19Big, stupid Richard.
16:21Tell me what he's done.
16:26Well, you know how he always relies on me for everything?
16:31Well, I know he depends on you a lot.
16:33When you have a paper head, you have to rely on something.
16:37You still haven't told me what he did.
16:39Six foot three of nothing.
16:41In all our married life, he's never done a thing without first consulting me.
16:45And now this.
16:47Oh, now we're getting somewhere.
16:49And now what?
16:49Well, Elizabeth, thanks for letting me get it off my chest.
16:56But I still don't know what happened.
16:58You're the only one I could turn to.
17:02You know how this sort of thing gets around.
17:06Wait a minute.
17:06Elizabeth.
17:08You won't tell a soul about Richard, would you?
17:12I can't.
17:15How far is Reno?
17:17Oh, Jerry, now you come over here and sit down.
17:21We're going to settle this once and through.
17:23What are you going to do?
17:25I'm going to call Richard up and have him come over here.
17:27And we'll discuss this, whatever it is, like human beings.
17:30But you don't have to call him.
17:31He's right out front.
17:32I've got him locked in the car.
17:37Alvin, come here a minute.
17:39We'll get this all straightened out.
17:40What happened?
17:41What's the matter?
17:41Richard's locked in the car.
17:44He can't get locked in a car.
17:46All he has to do is lift the handle.
17:47He doesn't know that.
17:48Go to hell.
17:50There's a little something.
17:51Oh, my God.
17:53You're going to set it, baby.
17:54Now, tell me what happened.
17:56I just can't get over it.
17:58It's almost like a declaration of independence.
18:01Jerry.
18:02Geraldine.
18:03I'm going to ask you a direct question, and I want a direct answer.
18:07What's Richard done?
18:08Haven't I told you?
18:09You haven't told me at least six different times.
18:14Well, you'll see for yourself the minute he walks in here.
18:18He won't come in.
18:20He's listening to a program on the car radio.
18:23Imagine.
18:26Richard!
18:27Tell her to cut that out.
18:28It's 11.30.
18:29Alvin, did you walk across that wet lawn in your bare socks?
18:32Bare socks?
18:33I'll put some slippers on or something.
18:36Go on.
18:37Look, no one but Richard to cause a trouble like this.
18:39Go on.
18:39Oh, here it comes, Elizabeth.
18:41Now, you stand right over here.
18:43I want you to get the full impact when he walks in.
18:48Hi, Elizabeth.
18:50Hello, lovey.
18:51Hi.
18:52Say, let's all go out and sit in the car.
18:54There's a wonderful program on.
18:55If I know you, you were listening to the heater.
18:59You don't see anything.
19:01You don't.
19:02Look at that face.
19:04I think he's pretty.
19:11See?
19:12She used to like me when I was young and cute.
19:16Now, she hates me because I'm old and cute.
19:18All right.
19:19Now, what's all the trouble?
19:20And don't you send me out for a dry tie or anything.
19:24Hello, Richard.
19:25As far as I can figure out, Geraldine hates Richard because he's old and cute.
19:30Look at that face.
19:32Don't say it.
19:34No, no.
19:34Take a good look at it.
19:40Yeah.
19:40Look, Ma.
19:40No mustache.
19:41That's what he did.
19:45He shaved off.
19:47Oh, that looks much better.
19:49Yeah.
19:49Oh.
19:52She's upset about it.
19:53I think so.
19:56Lovey, I'll grow it back again.
19:58Well, sure he will.
20:00How long will it take you, Richard?
20:01Well, the last one only took three years.
20:05Well, honey, the new one will grow in faster.
20:08He's had practice.
20:09Sure he has.
20:10No, I haven't, Alvin.
20:13It isn't that he shaved it off.
20:16It's that he didn't ask me.
20:20Well, I told her it was an accident.
20:23How can you shave off your mustache by accident?
20:26Well, there was a crack in my shaving mirror.
20:30So I thought I was shaving off my eyebrows.
20:35Why, everybody shaves off their eyebrows.
20:37Well, Richard, do you have your brain dead and regular leave me, or is it a monthly...
20:44Alvin!
20:45Geraldine, you know that he...
20:47Geraldine's right, Alvin.
20:48She may hate him, but he still loves him.
20:52What?
20:54What?
20:54Now, I'm going to be the wise man here, and I'm going to interfere where I shouldn't.
21:00Well, you can't be a wise man.
21:02You're a girl.
21:04You're a girl.
21:06Richard, you go on right over there and sit down.
21:08Go on.
21:09Come here, Jerry.
21:10Come on, honey.
21:11You sit right down.
21:13Come on, honey.
21:15Now, Richard, where you made your mistake, you shaved off your mustache when you know
21:24Geraldine prefers you with a mustache.
21:26Yes, ma'am.
21:28Yes, ma'am.
21:29Oh, I forgot.
21:30You're a wise man.
21:31Yes, sir.
21:32Brother.
21:33And, Geraldine, where you made your mistake, you got much too upset about a little item like
21:38a mustache.
21:40Although, I'll admit, it's a pretty ticklish situation.
21:42I just threw that in to cheer everybody up.
21:51You're okay.
21:52You should have consulted me.
21:54Sure.
21:56He should have, but even so, you got too upset about a mustache.
22:00I'm being frank now.
22:02Yes, sir.
22:04I guess you're right, Elizabeth.
22:07Now, Alvin had never grown a mustache because he knows how I feel about them.
22:10And even if he did, he'd ask me first, and I'd say no.
22:14So, either way, he'd never grow one.
22:16See, Richard, that's real love.
22:19Yes, lovey.
22:20You know, it's the funniest thing.
22:21I've never been able to stand the thought of Alvin with bristles along up here.
22:26You never know.
22:27I might want to kiss him.
22:34Alvin, do this.
22:35Awesome.
22:36Don't be stuck.
22:37Tell us, what was the program in the car?
22:39I was like, oh, it's really real fine, really.
22:40I'm like this, Alvin.
22:44Watch me, Alvin.
22:50Richard, do you have a cigarette lighter?
22:53Oh, yeah.
22:54Here.
22:55What's the matter, Elizabeth?
23:10Nothing.
23:12Honey, look, look, I'll cut it off in the morning.
23:15It's just a...
23:15It's nothing.
23:16Let's talk about something else.
23:18Well, I don't know what we're talking about now.
23:20Alvin's wearing a mustache, and he didn't tell Elizabeth about it.
23:25Oh.
23:26Oh.
23:26Elizabeth.
23:28Oh, it isn't really...
23:29Oh, it isn't really...
23:29Oh, it isn't really...
23:31Oh, it isn't really...
23:32I don't get so upset.
23:33Honey, please.
23:33You're getting hot.
23:36Everybody stop.
23:39Oh, honey.
23:40Oh, honey.
23:41Honey.
23:42Oh, honey.
23:43I have a solution for the whole problem.
23:45What?
23:47Why don't you girls grow mustaches and not tell us about it?
23:56You mean it?
24:00Only you, Mr. Laird.
24:03Oh, no, no.
24:06Hey.
24:08Hey.
24:08You can have one.
24:09Say goodbye to the people.
24:10Goodbye, everybody.
24:11No, really.
24:12Don't give me a little bit of a baby.
24:14Now, here to say goodbye to you is the lovely star of our show, Betty White.
24:20Thank you, Jack.
24:21And thank you, everybody.
24:25Poor Richard.
24:27You know, one time, Geraldine sent him to a psychiatrist, and the report came back,
24:31genial personality and low mentality.
24:34So let's face it.
24:36Richard's nice and stupid.
24:37All right.
24:39I'll see you again once more.
24:41Goodbye, everybody.
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