- 2 months ago
Taskmaster S20E07 >>> https://dai.ly/x9sku6i
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Welcome, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:38A group of comics battling out to see
00:40who is the least worst at doing a thing.
00:43No-one will learn anything from the next hour,
00:46so crack open a can and give in to the pointlessness.
00:49Here are the names of our giggling gladiators.
00:52Anya Magliano!
00:55Maisie Adam!
00:57Phil Ellis!
00:59Rich Shearsmaid!
01:01And Sonji Vasquez!
01:04And next to me, a man who told them
01:07he never struggles to get back to sleep after the alarm goes off,
01:10he simply has to listen to one of his wife's descriptions
01:13of a dream she had.
01:14As he put it himself,
01:16they're so boring, I soon be snoring.
01:20It's...
01:22Little Ellerton!
01:24Good evening, everyone.
01:25Good evening.
01:26Hello.
01:28Hey, Craig.
01:29I've got you a present.
01:30Yeah?
01:31Don't you like it?
01:32It's a working mind-reading machine.
01:36You want to give it a go?
01:37Yeah.
01:39I mean, honestly,
01:40that's one of the coolest things I think I've ever seen.
01:42Oh!
01:46That's quite good!
01:47It works!
01:48Is there more?
01:49You are my best friend.
01:51Ooh!
01:52That was a bad edit, wasn't it?
01:54You are my best friend!
01:56Oh!
01:58You really mean it.
01:59This is the best...
02:00This is the best chat section ever.
02:03Let us begin!
02:04Yes, and I strongly suggest we start with the prize task,
02:07and the category this time is the thing Greg would most like
02:11to see Alex wearing.
02:14Oh, God.
02:15So, at the end of the show, not only will the winner take home
02:18five things Greg would like to see me wearing,
02:20but I might appear on the stage and don the outfit that wins
02:24this bit of the task.
02:25Ooh!
02:27Before I see any of them,
02:28I want to say that the things that make him look the most stupid,
02:32inconvenience him, or cause him pain,
02:34are the things that I'm likely to give high points.
02:37OK.
02:38Anya.
02:39It's not constrictive, but I've brought in a versatile hat.
02:41Can I see the hat?
02:42Yeah.
02:43Here's Anya's hat.
02:49That is wonderful.
02:50That, I imagine, is incredibly heavy.
02:52It's heavy, it hurts.
02:53It hurts to wear...
02:54It will ruin his life.
02:56And I'll barely be able to see him and his horrible gappy mouth.
03:00Obviously, it's got the sparkliness for, like, all your awards dues,
03:03and then it's black so you can wear it to a funeral.
03:05Friend of my heart inevitably gives in.
03:07Yeah?
03:08I'd like you to wear that to my funeral.
03:10It's a deal.
03:15That's a strong opener.
03:16OK.
03:17Sanjeev.
03:18What would the...
03:19You said constrictive...
03:21Causes embarrassment or pain.
03:22Yeah.
03:23OK.
03:24So, if you imagine him wearing this in India...
03:27All of those things are covered.
03:30Sanjeev's brought this in.
03:32It's a safari!
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, my God.
03:38Our next night out, that.
03:40You.
03:41So full.
03:42Yeah.
03:43I would walk ten paces ahead.
03:45Not for cultural reasons.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48Just for personal safety.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50This is wonderful.
03:51Yeah.
03:52You'll look silly in a sari, and you'll be in danger.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56I mean, I'm excited we're having another night out.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00Phil.
04:01It's a suit I've made, and it's covered in various things
04:05that will attract predators.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:09Yes, it is.
04:10This is what it looks like, Greg.
04:11Oh, here we go.
04:12There we are.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15Oh, it's beyond my wildest dreams.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19We all got some steaks there for any carnivores.
04:22Some sausages, maybe we get a cartoon fun dog chasing him.
04:25Yeah.
04:26And, er...
04:27And, honey, wouldn't we all like to see Winnie the Pooh attached
04:30to his back clawing away at him?
04:32Wouldn't we?
04:33With his little T-shirt on, nothing below the waist.
04:36Lovely.
04:37The rest blowing in the wind.
04:38Why Winnie and not one of the bad bears?
04:40Winnie behind closed doors is a real piece of shit.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45I absolutely love it.
04:48Maisie, have you got something that will humiliate my friend?
04:51The late Lady Diana's revenge dress.
04:53LAUGHTER
05:00You mean this one?
05:01That's the one!
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04It's off-the-shoulder, form-fitting,
05:05with an asymmetrical hemline and chiffon train.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Cleavage-bearing, a departure from typical royal attire, of course.
05:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:13It was, apparently, a statement of defiance
05:15and a powerful symbol of reclaiming her narrative.
05:17There you go!
05:18It was soon after finding out about the divorce, I think, wasn't it?
05:20Yeah.
05:21Yeah.
05:22I've often heard you say backstage there's three people in this marriage.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26God, these are all strong.
05:28Rhys. Rhys.
05:29Rhys.
05:30You have mentioned sometimes, haven't you, Greg,
05:32that you used to be a teacher?
05:33Yes.
05:34You occasionally mention it.
05:35I may have got a bit of material out of me.
05:37Yes, yes.
05:38I presume when you were teaching, if someone was hard of thinking,
05:41they would be given the dunce's cap.
05:43So I thought, what's the next best thing?
05:45It's basically a hat with a propeller on it.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48This is the hat.
05:50Let's have a look.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52I think that should win.
05:54That is...
05:55Oh!
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57What a nightmare.
05:58Can I say, the reason I find it hard to score that highly
06:01is because he, and I mean this, would genuinely wear that out of children.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06I've miscalculated them.
06:08Yeah, it would appear so.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11I like all of them.
06:12I'm going to do something that will annoy you.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15OK?
06:16I'm not going to give anyone one point.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19I'm going to give Rhys Shearsmith two points...
06:21Yes.
06:22..for that hat, just because I'm in a good mood.
06:24I'm going to give hat number two, that Anya brought in, three points.
06:28Right.
06:29Because I liked it, but I think part of Alex would like that too.
06:32Four points for the Sari.
06:34OK, one on Sanjeev, four points.
06:36And then we're up into the big guns.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:40It's so difficult for me between meat and Diana.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44I'm going to give five points to the late Lady Diana dress
06:48and the meat outfit.
06:50That's how I'm going to play.
06:51OK, five to Maison, five to four.
06:53APPLAUSE
06:55I have to ask, what should I wear at the end of the show?
06:58I tell you what, you put the dress on, I'll throw meat at you from Diana.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03Yeah.
07:04Looks like we got ourselves a shoal!
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08Let's have a tusk proper.
07:10Let's see the extraordinary power of one little snip.
07:14MUSIC
07:16MUSIC
07:17MUSIC
07:18I thought you were going to be sat there.
07:20Hello.
07:21May I?
07:22Please do.
07:23An envelope, a cushion, string and a gorgeous set of scissors.
07:37Would you like me to open the task?
07:38Yeah, OK, yeah.
07:39Can I use the scissors?
07:40Yeah.
07:41MUSIC
07:44Cut a single string...
07:46..to cause the greatest effect?
07:49You have 20 minutes.
07:51Your time starts now.
07:53Greatest effect is pretty broad.
07:55It's too bloody broad, isn't it?
07:56Oh, right.
07:57That's subjective, isn't it?
07:59Yes, some of these tasks are.
08:00Yeah.
08:01Maybe I shouldn't tell you what I'm going to do.
08:03Just do it.
08:04Might need that, don't know.
08:06It's all good stuff, isn't it?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09APPLAUSE
08:15Yet again, Phil, positive,
08:17making fun out of just having a pair of scissors in front of him.
08:21I try to look at the bright side of life and just enjoy every second.
08:24Good. That's wonderful.
08:25He said that like the summer with a gun.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Alex.
08:30Greg.
08:31Shall we see some?
08:32Why not?
08:33Let's begin with Phil, short for Philip,
08:35and Anya, short for genetic reasons.
08:37Here we go.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39I think there's one more item, if possible.
08:42Have you got a watch on?
08:44Yes, always.
08:45Brilliant.
08:46Strange response.
08:47Do you mind if I take it?
08:48Depends.
08:49Well, I'll look after it.
08:50I'm not an animal.
08:51It's a good watch, this.
08:53Right.
08:54I don't know how long you've got left.
08:55Well, none of us do, don't we?
08:57Isn't that life's big question?
08:58Got out of the fun of it, really.
09:00I'll take the old bloody thing, that's right.
09:03See you.
09:05OK.
09:06OK.
09:07Really simple.
09:08We're going to winch the glasses over the house, and then I'll smash the glasses.
09:15Talk's ticking, Anya.
09:16OK.
09:23OK.
09:24Would you like to take a seat, please?
09:26Thank you so much for coming.
09:27Thanks, guys.
09:28Right.
09:29Right.
09:30So, that's a single piece of string.
09:32This is the anvil.
09:33Mm-hm.
09:34So, just gonna...
09:38OK.
09:39You might remember earlier, I took your watch from you.
09:42Yeah, I remember that.
09:43Well, I'm going to give it back, because I'm a good person.
09:46But, first of all...
09:49We've got the trap, we've got the watch.
09:52Well, I do like my watch.
09:54It's a beautiful watch, but points are points.
09:57So, here we go.
09:58I imagine you've got about a minute left.
10:00A minute left.
10:01Oh!
10:05Ooh!
10:06That's good, but it's not what I wanted.
10:08OK.
10:11That's on!
10:12Was that the little bit you were aiming for?
10:13Yeah.
10:14Amazing.
10:17Watch your head.
10:18OK.
10:19We're gonna do it.
10:20We're going for it, are we?
10:21OK.
10:24Five.
10:25Four.
10:27Three.
10:29Two.
10:31One.
10:37Oh.
10:38I thought it would be bigger than that.
10:42I thought it was gonna cover the whole house.
10:44Yes!
10:47Oh, no, you just smashed it.
11:01Happy with that.
11:03Does it still work, Phil?
11:05It does still work, but much like me, it's damaged.
11:08Can I have it back?
11:09You can have it back.
11:10Of course you can.
11:11There you go.
11:13No, thank you very much.
11:14I appreciate you trusting me enough with that.
11:15Well, another day.
11:16Another dollar.
11:17Another dollar.
11:18Let's get back to the ground.
11:23Well, I mean, I worked with you the whole way.
11:24Yeah.
11:25I was thinking, she's got it sus.
11:26I found it was pretty spectacular when you managed to lasso the weathervane.
11:29It was all going well.
11:30Yeah.
11:31And then...
11:33Well, I wrote down where I...
11:35What I think let the whole thing down was, I thought it would cover the whole house.
11:39Do you think it was like nuclear paintball?
11:43Sometimes I don't even need to score this, because you scored it yourself.
11:48After the video, you went, ah.
11:51Yeah, sometimes you have to know when it's over.
11:54Yes.
11:55But I've got a lot of my life left to live.
12:00Well, I still enjoyed it.
12:02I enjoyed watching you fail.
12:03Phil, this was bold.
12:06Because he loves that watch.
12:08Well, is it broken?
12:09No, it's not broken.
12:10It made it sort of dirty.
12:11Oh, it's horrific.
12:12What an impact.
12:13But you should see the house.
12:18I can't.
12:19I can't.
12:20It's just a clown.
12:22Let's see some others.
12:23OK.
12:24Well, the next one's not for the squeamish, because it's Rhys Shearsmish.
12:29Ooh.
12:30And so, Contessa, for three days you have denied answering our questions.
12:41Hmm.
12:42You still will not loosen your tug?
12:45Hmm.
12:46For the greatest effect, one small snip is all it will take.
12:52Let us see if we cannot change your mind.
12:57You still want that compass?
12:58Ever lower the pit and the pendulum swings upon the gut of the mistress.
13:14Do you have anything to say, you my lady?
13:17Oh, rather than how?
13:19There's no reason.
13:20You must not steal again from the supermarkets.
13:25What the hell?
13:26Do it?
13:27It was you.
13:30Ah.
13:31She has expired.
13:33Never again will you steal from Asda.
13:39Lower it.
13:40Finish her off.
13:41The work here is done.
14:00Never again will you steal cream eggs from Asda.
14:06Bring in the next one.
14:08He is said to have putt on a single yeller.
14:20Wonderful filmic ambition.
14:22I'd like, for the first time in this series,
14:24to drill down into the narrative somewhat.
14:26Who are these characters?
14:28Well, it's based clearly on Eggdrill and Poe's pitting the pendulum.
14:32Of course.
14:33Yes.
14:34In which a man is tortured, sort of in the Inquisition style.
14:38And I changed it slightly that he'd been stealing cream eggs from Asda.
14:42From Asda, yes.
14:43Right.
14:44Where was your character from?
14:45He was Spanish?
14:46Er, no.
14:47He's...
14:48He's from Hull.
14:52Great effect indeed.
14:54OK.
14:55I'd like to announce the end in part one.
14:56And it's time, ladies and gentlemen.
14:58Strap yourselves in.
15:00Alex is going to end this part with his Robert De Niro impression.
15:04Ooh.
15:05You talking to me?
15:07Are you talking to me?
15:09It's like he's in the room!
15:11Yes!
15:12It's the start of part two.
15:25We've been seeing the dramatic consequences that can occur
15:28after cutting one single piece of string.
15:31Yes.
15:32Especially if you parked on a single yellow!
15:36Time now to see what...
15:37I didn't know you were from Hull.
15:39Time now to see what Maisie and Sanjeev decided was a good idea.
15:44Here we go.
15:50Aha.
15:51Right.
15:52OK.
15:53You sure?
15:54No.
15:55But here goes.
15:56OK.
15:57Thank you, Sanjeev.
15:58Hmm.
15:59Quite a shame.
16:00Is it?
16:01Yeah.
16:02Greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:04For greatest effect, you want most of the string.
16:06If I cut it at the very end, I've got more string so I can do more with it.
16:07If I hook it round that...
16:08Yeah.
16:09If I hook it round that...
16:10Yeah.
16:11So you are going to cut the string at some point, are you?
16:12Alex, leave the room.
16:13Oh.
16:14Oh.
16:15Right, duck.
16:16Right, duck.
16:17OK.
16:18Right, duck.
16:19Right, duck.
16:20OK.
16:21OK.
16:22OK.
16:23OK.
16:24OK.
16:25So you are going to cut the string at some point, are you?
16:26Alex, leave the room.
16:27Oh.
16:28Right, duck.
16:29OK.
16:30OK.
16:31OK.
16:32OK.
16:33OK.
16:34OK.
16:35OK.
16:36OK.
16:37OK.
16:38OK.
16:39OK.
16:40OK.
16:41OK.
16:42OK.
16:43OK.
16:44OK.
16:45OK.
16:46OK.
16:47OK.
16:48OK.
16:49OK.
16:52Upon invitation, Alex is going to walk in, pull off that hook,
16:56and it's going to tug this horse, which will bring the chicken down.
16:59He'll think, right, that's the chicken out of the way.
17:02Surprise, another chicken.
17:04That chicken, still not over.
17:07Third poulet of the day is going to land ready to eat.
17:10And I'll be waiting, saying, cheers.
17:13There's your seat.
17:14Alex, please enter the restaurant.
17:17The restaurant?
17:18The room.
17:19OK.
17:20Here I come.
17:21Yep.
17:24Hooray!
17:28Bon appetit!
17:32Hooray!
17:36Bon appetit!
17:38That's an absolute cockfest.
17:39Look at that.
17:40Three chickens fell over.
17:41Yeah.
17:42And you just cut one bit of string.
17:43That's really good, isn't it?
17:44Absolute cockfest.
17:45Matt's horn!
17:46Again!
17:47Come on, Matt!
17:48Good men!
17:49Come on, Matt!
17:50Oh!
17:52Ooh!
17:53Oh, my God!
17:54Ooh!
17:55Whoa!
17:56Oof!
17:57Oh!
17:58Oh!
17:59Ooh!
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh!
18:02Yeah!
18:04Oh!
18:05Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh so good that.
18:11And, uh, when he's fine, um, uh...
18:18I've got one word for you, existentialism.
18:48I've got to be honest, I was going to score you highly when you just let the table miss
18:56the egg.
18:57I thought, that is so clever, because we're all expecting the egg to be smashed.
19:02And you deliberately made it miss the egg, obviously.
19:05And then...
19:06And then?
19:07What a second chapter.
19:08Did you deliberately have the balls miss the second egg, or was that just fluke?
19:13That, no, it was deliberate, because the whole thing is you expect the eggs to break.
19:17Yeah.
19:18And, like I said, it's existential, because everybody, as people, are the kind of most
19:22vulnerable thing, like an egg, and situation and time and the world and everything is
19:26everything else.
19:27But we can survive it.
19:29You, my friend, are on the wrong show.
19:34So, Macy, I did think it was fairly chaotic.
19:39You helped one of the chickens off the thing, but it was still a pretty great effect.
19:45And you had the best celebration as well.
19:47Whee!
19:48Okay.
19:49I can score.
19:50What is the least effect?
19:51Well, it's Anya.
19:52I'm sorry.
19:53One point to Anya.
19:55Okay.
19:56I think I'll have to give you two on this occasion, Maisie, and I'll give the anvil three.
20:00Okay.
20:01Phil get three.
20:02No, I don't know.
20:03It was profundity and action.
20:04So, I think, probably, Sanjeev just pips it.
20:07So, four points to Rhys, five points to Sanjeev.
20:09There we go.
20:10Five points to Sanjeev.
20:11CHEERING
20:12Can I see the serious scores?
20:14Yes, it's tight.
20:15It really is.
20:16Sanjeev is at the bottom with 76.
20:17And then it goes, Maisie, 80, Phil, 81, Anya, 82.
20:20Rhys suddenly in the lead with 83.
20:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:24Right, let's have another.
20:27Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
20:30What is it this time?
20:45Well, we're in a corridor.
20:46I know.
20:47What if I don't like heights?
20:49Okay.
20:51Write an autobiographical ten-word story.
20:55You have two minutes.
20:57Your time starts now.
20:59On the notepad, please.
21:02Ten-word story.
21:03I don't think I need that many.
21:05I have to write it.
21:07An autobiographical ten-word story.
21:09That's what he wants.
21:11He?
21:12Greg Davis.
21:14He's the taskmaster.
21:16Yes, thank you.
21:20Ooh, what else have I done in my life?
21:23Greg, done.
21:24Happy with your story?
21:26It's true.
21:27Do you mind just showing me your...
21:29...story?
21:30That's for you and I'll take this away, thank you.
21:35Oh.
21:36Oh.
21:37Okay.
21:38There we go, that's for you.
21:39I knew you were up to something troublesome.
21:42Communicate your story to the taskmaster.
21:46You may not leave the bridge.
21:48The most accurately communicated story wins.
21:51You have ten minutes to prepare your performance.
21:54Then 30 seconds to communicate your story.
21:57Your time starts now.
21:58You've got time to prepare or practice or...
22:00No, let's just go for it.
22:01You just want to go for it immediately?
22:02Yeah, let's go for it.
22:03Right.
22:07Oh, that's bloody useless.
22:09What is this?
22:10Anya, are you ready?
22:11Yeah.
22:12Ready, Maisie?
22:13Ready.
22:14Am I able to write on this window?
22:16Taskmaster will be watching.
22:19Well, where's the Taskmaster?
22:25Oh, shit!
22:32Grace, grumpy that morning?
22:35No, I thought that's me on a good day.
22:38Sanjeev didn't take any rehearsal time, just launched straight into it.
22:43But we've learnt today, we shouldn't write Sanjeev off.
22:46There's a lot going on up there.
22:49Can we see their ten-word stories?
22:51I'm not so excited.
22:52Yes.
22:53So, we're going to see them one at a time, Greg.
22:54You're going to watch it and you're going to try to scribble down
22:56what you think the story is, Greg.
22:57First up, is he Mr Cool and Confident?
23:00Or is it Mr Let's Hurry Up So I Can Bog Off Home Early?
23:03Either way, it's definitely Mr Sanjeev Bassett.
23:05I've no idea.
23:06No more, I'm not I!
23:07THEY CONFER
23:30This is what I've gone with.
23:32A child is born, he grows up to be Sanjeev.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38That might be slightly better than what I wrote.
23:41Well, the gist is pretty good.
23:43The story was, I was born, Sanjeev, which I remain to this day.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Wow. It's not bad.
23:51We have to take the gist as correct into it when I'm scoring.
23:55OK. You want to see another one? Yes, I do.
23:57Whose can I see? I want you to see Maisie's ten-word story.
24:00OK. Here we go.
24:06MUSIC
24:13WHISTLE BLOWS
24:15APPLAUSE
24:17You look like you don't know what it was.
24:19I don't know what that was.
24:21I've got it. Oh.
24:23You're ahead of me.
24:25I've written,
24:26Bored woman sarcastically indicates she did not enjoy man's company.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:34I mean, that is my autobiography, actually.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:39It's not a million miles off.
24:41Maisie, you wrote,
24:43HE keeps explaining the plot of the show I'm in.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47What?
24:48Because you asked me to read the rules out a couple of times,
24:50you got infuriated, you wrote that down.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53I'm a fucking idiot.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56You've had highs, but this is a low.
24:59OK.
25:00Who's next?
25:01OK, I'm going to show you one more before the break.
25:03Here is Phil's autobiographical ten-word story.
25:05Here we go.
25:06Have a look.
25:07WHISTLE BLOWS
25:08MUSIC
25:09MUSIC
25:10MUSIC
25:11MUSIC
25:12MUSIC
25:13MUSIC
25:14MUSIC
25:35MUSIC
25:36MUSIC
25:41APPLAUSE
25:43The tale of the oldest time.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46I'll tell you what's thrown it and what I think is going to damage
25:49is I couldn't decide what this was.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52And in the end, I decided it was a circus tent.
25:55Do you think you've got it?
25:56This is what I've written, really?
25:57OK, yep.
25:58CHILD BORN TO CIRCUS
26:00RUNS AWAY
26:02BUT RETURNS WHEN SKINT
26:04LAUGHTER
26:07No, I think that's pretty...
26:09Yeah.
26:10He actually wrote,
26:11Preston born, Preston raised, left Preston, failed, return to Preston.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17APPLAUSE
26:19The journey's there.
26:21Yeah.
26:22Do you remember why?
26:24Priest town.
26:25Priest town.
26:26Is this a church then?
26:27That's a church.
26:28Come on.
26:29You've got a couple of words right and you've got the gist right,
26:31but circus was wrong.
26:32OK, it's break time once more.
26:34So, stand up.
26:35Have a stretch.
26:36Have a scratch.
26:37Have a retch.
26:38Have a burp.
26:39Have a yawn.
26:40Pick up your phone.
26:41Look at some porn.
26:42Close the curtains.
26:43Make a dent.
26:44And before you know, we'll be back again.
26:45APPLAUSE
26:46Hello.
26:47Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.
26:48Before the break, the cast had written ten word autobiographical stories and were trying to communicate them in silence for me to interpret.
27:05What would your ten word story be, Alex?
27:08Hmm, good question.
27:09I suppose it'd be...
27:10No-one cares!
27:12LAUGHTER
27:14OK, well, here's Rhys' story now.
27:18Ten word, autobiographical.
27:20Have a look at this.
27:21WHISTLE BLOWS
27:38So that's what you've got to work on, Greg.
27:56OK, well, all I've got is when I was a little.
27:59I don't know what to do.
28:01No.
28:02Well, it's an autobiographical story.
28:03What do you think happened to Rhys when he was little, I suppose?
28:06When I was a little boy, I was...
28:13..sometimes grumpy.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:19Well, you've got the gist of it.
28:22Oh.
28:23When I was little, I choked on Monster Munch crisps.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28Which would make you cross.
28:29I'm really angry.
28:30On the back of my brother's bike,
28:32I started to choke on pickled onion Monster Munch crisps.
28:35The greatest of all the flavours.
28:37The thing you're saying was there's holes in the crisps
28:39and I think it went and I had a gap.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42He's only here because he breathed through a Monster Munch's foot.
28:45Well, there's only one left to see.
28:46Here we go.
28:47Fanyly.
28:48Finally, it's Anya.
28:50Fanyly.
28:51No? OK.
28:52Anya.
28:53You look right at all?
28:56No, wait.
28:57Yeah!
28:58I'm sorry.
28:59I'm sorry.
29:01I'm sorry.
29:02I'm sorry.
29:03I'm sorry.
29:04You should go to me.
29:05You should go so much.
29:06OK.
29:07That's all.
29:08I'm sorry.
29:09Pretty much.
29:10You're right.
29:11I'm sorry.
29:12I'm sorry.
29:13It's a man.
29:14Oh.
29:15I'm sorry.
29:16MUSIC PLAYS
29:23APPLAUSE
29:28It's like a Kate Bush music video.
29:31Have you auditioned for Rada? Because that...
29:34Do you think that was good? Yeah. And he was in Paddington too.
29:37LAUGHTER
29:40That's true, isn't it? That is true.
29:42I didn't finish the previous sentence to which Hugh took as a compliment.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:50What were you going to say? But well done.
29:53Well done.
29:54So this is what I've gone with.
29:56Baby born to dancing cat,
29:59who writes, jumps and then dies.
30:02LAUGHTER
30:04And you're born.
30:05Cats, the musical, school, university, trampolining, and you die.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:12It was the full life.
30:13I told the story in a different way.
30:15I did it through bullet points, which I think...
30:17I didn't realise that you could do it as one sentence.
30:19I thought it was like, do the main events of your life.
30:22Birth, Cats, the musical...
30:24I went trampolining.
30:26Cats, the musical is a big thing in your life, right?
30:28Yeah.
30:29Were you in it, or...? I watched it.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33What did you write again, Fred?
30:35Baby born.
30:36Anya born.
30:37That's good.
30:38To dancing cat.
30:39Cats, the musical.
30:40Who writes, school, university, jumps, trampolining...
30:44And dives.
30:45Anya die.
30:46Wow!
30:47APPLAUSE
30:48That's really good!
30:50So it seems to me Maisie, unfortunately,
30:53should come in last place and receive one point.
30:55OK, cos she didn't really understand it.
30:57Followed by half-a-storey Rhys with two points.
30:59OK.
31:00Phil didn't go to the circus, but he did the rest of the stuff.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Three points.
31:04Anya, surprisingly accurate, despite unusual priorities in life.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:11Four points.
31:12But Sanjeev, proving once again,
31:14sometimes, simplicity is best.
31:17Five points to Sanjeev.
31:18Five points.
31:19APPLAUSE
31:22A little task, please, my basic boy.
31:25Yes, I am here to adhere.
31:27And now, all the flippers, we're off to the lab.
31:30Hello.
31:47You OK?
31:48I am, yeah.
31:49Nice flower.
31:51It's a new look you're trying?
31:52Maybe.
31:53I'll just sort of mix things up.
31:54OK.
31:55Hello.
31:56You know there's protests outside this lab?
31:57Again?
31:58Yeah.
31:59They're trying to stop you, whatever you're doing here.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:02Should I step into the ring?
32:03That's up to you.
32:04Well...
32:06Is it?
32:07LAUGHTER
32:12Ugh.
32:14Creepy.
32:15There's no strings attached to this, is there?
32:18LAUGHTER
32:20Wear the flippers correctly.
32:26The slowest wins.
32:27Your time started when you entered the room.
32:30I have read that correctly.
32:32Slowest wins.
32:34Slowest.
32:36What a strange task.
32:38APPLAUSE
32:39This is a particularly confusing task.
32:44It was slowest wins.
32:45Slowest wins.
32:46No explanation.
32:47It was very odd.
32:48What a tricky use of words.
32:50So irritating, isn't it?
32:52Let's begin with two very famous faces from the stage and screen,
32:55perhaps best known for playing Martin in London's Burning,
32:58and Ravi, the Indian cobra from Zoo Rush 2.
33:01Destination New York, it's Rhys and Sanjeev.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:07Slowest wins.
33:09So, I've got to sort of make a meal of it.
33:12Oh, look, there's loads of little chopsticks.
33:18What I'm going to do is try to not come out of this circle.
33:23I'm going to try and get the flippers with chopsticks.
33:25Yes.
33:31I'm missing something.
33:36The thing is, Alex, there is no right or wrong.
33:38Is that right?
33:44Don't confuse me.
33:48Slowest wins.
33:49You look like a cowboy.
33:50Do I?
33:51Oh!
33:55Something's happening.
33:56Oh, we're off.
33:59I mean, I'm going to go and have lunch.
34:01Now.
34:02How long are you going to spend having lunch?
34:04You never want to rush lunch.
34:05An hour for lunch.
34:06And then I might have a nap.
34:08And then I'll go home.
34:09Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:10Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:11Meet you back here tomorrow.
34:19I can't deviate from the path.
34:21Me not.
34:22Oh!
34:23I don't get it.
34:36Because it's easy to do something slowly.
34:38Stop the clock, is it?
34:39Okay.
34:40Okay.
34:41Okay.
34:42I'm going.
34:51Ah.
34:52I was heading off.
34:53Yes.
34:54But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff.
34:56That's just a step too far.
34:58There we go.
35:00Right.
35:01The flippers are on.
35:02The flippers are on.
35:03I've stopped the clock.
35:04APPLAUSE
35:11When they found out it's the longest task, Sanjeev just went for lunch for six hours and 19 minutes.
35:18We did, yeah, we did other tasks as well.
35:20I think, in many ways, your attempt was more in the spirit of the show in that you decided to give yourself extra tasks.
35:26The chopstick ladder.
35:28But it was to buy time.
35:29It seemed to be the right thing to do.
35:31Of course.
35:32Why sit there doing nothing?
35:33Why go for a nice lunch when you can make a chopstick ladder?
35:37And not deviate from the path.
35:40He's making his own rules.
35:43Okay.
35:44That's the end of the third part of this Taskmaster chapter.
35:46In the final part of the show, Alex will be up on the stage wearing Princess Diana's revenge dress and a load of sausages.
35:54See you soon!
35:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:07Welcome back to the last part of the show.
36:10Alex, are we about to finally find out what the hell is going on in this current task?
36:15Well, Greg, I'm pleased to say we are, which is less good news for Rhys and Sanjay.
36:22So let's get some answers with our dear friend Pam.
36:25That's Phil, Anya and Maisie. Pam. Their initials spell Pam.
36:30Am I allowed out this ring?
36:31Mmm. It's up to you.
36:32Can I open that?
36:47Every time you say the F word, F word, or F, your time is halved.
36:53Every time you say Flipper, Flippers or Flower.
36:57Oh!
36:59So...
37:02Fuck!
37:04Every time one of your feet leaves a circle, your time is halved.
37:09I'm just confused as to why there's a ring.
37:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:12It's not mentioned in it, is it?
37:14Every time you laugh, your time is halved. Well, that's all right.
37:17I'm missing something.
37:22That was disappointing.
37:26You must put the Flippers on within ten actual minutes of entering this room
37:30or you will be disqualified.
37:32Ah!
37:34I was heading off.
37:36But then I thought, you know, overnight and stuff.
37:38That's just a step too far.
37:42After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle.
37:45But I wasn't in the circle.
37:46Oh, so I don't have to get back in the circle.
37:48Well, you can't return.
37:49You can't return somewhere you've not been.
37:51And the Flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
37:54Correct.
37:56There's a lot of rules here, Alex.
37:58Like, have a day off, do you know what I mean?
38:03You look like you know what you're doing.
38:05It's always the key thing, I think, is to look like you know what you're doing.
38:09I thought there was going to be something with the flowers.
38:12Oh!
38:13How do you know how to do a lasso knot?
38:17I don't.
38:19So I've got to wait until it's just about to go ten minutes and put the Flippers on.
38:24Oh!
38:26How long left, Alex?
38:27I can't tell you that, Maisie.
38:28You can't tell... What are you here for, then?
38:31I need to write down how many times you say Flippers.
38:32There's something else I'm missing here.
38:37What am I missing?
38:39What am I missing?
38:46What am I... What is it?
38:47No!
38:48Yes!
38:52Oh, no!
39:02After reading this you must immediately return to the circle.
39:06The Flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.
39:08Yeah. Do you want to give me the flippers? We've got to put them back.
39:11What? So I'm going to start again?
39:13Yep.
39:14Oh, come on, I did the lasso thing!
39:17OK, I have all my supplies.
39:19How long have you been in this room?
39:20I think probably...
39:23seven minutes.
39:26Hey! Come on!
39:29Shall I stop the clock?
39:31Yeah.
39:31Stop the clock.
39:33Stop the clock?
39:34Yeah.
39:35Yeah, I'm not laughing any more, either.
39:40I've done the clock.
39:41Ooh!
39:42So I'll be leaving with my dignity.
39:44LAUGHTER
39:52The next time you get asked to write a ten-word autobiography,
39:55that seven-minute thing's got to go in.
39:57Was that actually bad? It was uncanny.
39:59Really? It was as the minute ticked over.
40:01Wow! That's not funny, that's just cool.
40:04LAUGHTER
40:05So, I can tell you some stats, Greg.
40:07Tell me them.
40:08Maisie, when you read the instructions,
40:11panicked and put the flippers on
40:13in a total of three minutes and 52 seconds,
40:16which we then have to halve ten times
40:18because of various...
40:19..problems.
40:21So you completed the task in 0.22 seconds.
40:23LAUGHTER
40:25It's already better than Sanjee's and Ritz.
40:26Anya, the human clock,
40:28finished it in nine minutes and 25 seconds.
40:30Whoa!
40:31APPLAUSE
40:32You only had to halve it seven times,
40:33so about four and a half seconds she completed the task.
40:35OK.
40:36Let's not bother halve it the next one.
40:37Well...
40:38Are we not leading to the joker being the winner?
40:40Phil...
40:42LAUGHTER
40:42..to complete the task in ten minutes?
40:44He put the flippers on in ten minutes and five seconds.
40:46Oh!
40:47If you hadn't done the lassoing,
40:49if you hadn't done the lassoing,
40:50you would have done it in under ten minutes.
40:52But I'm afraid, like the older men,
40:53he is disqualified.
40:54Oh!
40:55So only two scorers in that?
40:56Only two scorers.
40:57It's four points to Maisie.
40:58Oh, bloody...
40:59I'll take that, yeah.
41:00I'll take that, yeah.
41:01I'll take that.
41:02I'll take that.
41:03I'll take that.
41:04I'll take that.
41:05I'll take that.
41:06I'll take that.
41:07I'll take that.
41:08I'll take that.
41:09Two scorers in that?
41:10Only two scorers.
41:11It's four points to Maisie.
41:12Oh, bloody...
41:13I'll take that, yeah.
41:14LAUGHTER
41:15Five points, Daniel!
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:20Let's have a quick look at the scores, then.
41:22Sanjeev is in the lead with 14 points!
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:27OK, everyone, will you all please...
41:30..up...
41:32..stay put...
41:33Oh!
41:34..for the final task of the show!
41:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:43Oh, no!
41:48Sorry, Greg, I think Phil should read the task.
41:51OK, here we go.
41:52Ahem.
41:53Find the age of the mystery person.
41:56You must stay on your seats at all times.
41:59You may ask one question at a time,
42:01going from oldest to youngest,
42:03and you may only say two numbers each.
42:06The person may only say yes or no.
42:09First person to say the correct age wins.
42:11So, there's someone behind that screen...
42:13Yep.
42:14..you've got to work out their age by asking them questions.
42:17The twist is you can only say two numbers
42:19throughout the whole thing.
42:20There will be only one winner of this task.
42:22One person takes away five points, the rest get zero.
42:24Do you understand how high the stakes are now?
42:26Yes, I do.
42:28Wow.
42:29So, this time, we're going oldest to youngest.
42:32Hello, Sanjeev.
42:33Thanks.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:35You may ask our mystery person a question.
42:37Are you in your third decade?
42:39No.
42:41OK. Oh, come on!
42:43When you look in the mirror, do you think you look old?
42:47No.
42:48Right, we're off.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:51Are you in a decade above the one Sanjeev mentioned?
42:54No.
42:55One is definitely a number.
42:57Oh, you mentioned a number!
42:58What?
42:59One is a number.
43:00One is a number.
43:01Oh, for f...
43:02LAUGHTER
43:03So, three questions down, one number gone for Phil.
43:06Maisie, it's your turn.
43:07Were you alive for the moon landing?
43:09Oh.
43:10Oh.
43:11Yes.
43:12I was, er...
43:14One.
43:14Please don't help the contestant.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:18Does your number...
43:20start with letter S?
43:24Oh, that's a good one.
43:25Oh, and you?
43:26Yes.
43:27Ooh!
43:28This is good.
43:29APPLAUSE
43:31Are the two numbers...
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34LAUGHTER
43:36Well, you've only got one left,
43:38but you might as well finish this question.
43:39Are the two numbers in your age the same?
43:42No.
43:43OK.
43:44It's a great question, you have sacrificed a number.
43:46This is lovely.
43:47Rhys?
43:47Are you 68?
43:48He's used a number.
43:50Oh, my...
43:50Is it worth it?
43:51No.
43:52Whoa!
43:53God, it was bold, though.
43:54Yeah.
43:56OK, we've brought out 68.
43:57Is the letter that follows the other letter of your age
44:04an I?
44:07And that's not a Roman numeral.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:11That's right.
44:12No.
44:13Oh.
44:14Huh?
44:15Oh.
44:16Oh!
44:16I'm not sure a mystery person's complete.
44:19Do you mind asking the question again?
44:20Does the letter that follows the other letter you mentioned
44:25from that part of your age begin with the letter I?
44:32Oh, and I don't mean a Roman numeral, I thought that deserved more than I.
44:35LAUGHTER
44:36It did deserve more.
44:38I don't understand the question.
44:40LAUGHTER
44:41It's the letter that follows the other letter that you mentioned
44:50to spell out your age and I.
44:55It takes us down to one specific decade for sure.
45:03Can you ride the bus for free?
45:05No.
45:06So, they can't ride the bus for free.
45:10The bit that we've narrowed it down...
45:12..about...
45:13LAUGHTER
45:14..is that number got curves?
45:18LAUGHTER
45:20Yes.
45:21Were you born after the Cuban Missile Crisis?
45:25LAUGHTER
45:26No.
45:27Does the second number rhyme...
45:32..with more?
45:34No.
45:35Oh.
45:36If I had done recently, you would have given it...
45:38What else?
45:38Well, it's magnanimous.
45:41Just guess.
45:42Just guess.
45:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:46What a rush.
45:47So, are you 63 years old?
45:53Yes.
45:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:58It's Quentin from series 13 and 18.
46:01The best it is, the best it is.
46:02The best it is, the best it is.
46:04And is that your real voice, Quentin?
46:07I hope not.
46:10Quentin, thank you so much for being our guest.
46:12We'll add up the scores and see how that affects the final scores.
46:15Goodbye.
46:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17That was a high-octane round.
46:22Is it on purpose that that number is written all over the house?
46:25Everything's on purpose.
46:26Oh!
46:2763 was the age of Quentin, which means that Phil wins five points!
46:31Well done!
46:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:34And so, sadly for Sanjeev, who has not won an episode yet,
46:38he's come second in this one, he's come second in this one.
46:40The winner with 16 points is...
46:42..Phil Ellis!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:44Phil Ellis wins!
46:46Please head up to pick up some clothing for the person I'm loathing!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:52Here he is, the latest winner,
46:54Phil Ellis and Viddly Alex Horne!
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:57And I'm going to go to pick up some clothing for the person I'm going to go to.
46:59And I'm going to go to pick up some clothing for the person I'm going to go to.
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