The Jack Benny Program - The Honeymooners (Classic Television) - video Dailymotion

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The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television. It won numerous awards, including the 1959 and 1961 Emmy Awards for Best Comedy Series, and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.

Transcript

00:00From Television City in Hollywood, the Jack Benny program with his guest stars, Audrey

00:05Meadows and Dennis Day.

00:24Thank you, thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the program.

00:30You know, since you saw me last, I was in Chicago, where I gave one of my violin concerts at

00:38the Chicago Civic Auditorium, and I want to tell you, of course I enjoy these concerts,

00:44but it was such a thrill, you know, working with this great Chicago Symphony Orchestra,

00:50and it was conducted by Mr. Walter Suskin, who was one of our greatest conductors, and

00:56he's very, very clever, too, you see, because during my violin solo, in order to get me

01:02to follow him and the orchestra, during my number, he tied a dollar bill to the end of

01:11his baton, and this little device not only got me through my concert number, but I followed

01:23him all the way home to his hotel room, and this wasn't easy, considering that he took

01:31a cab and I ran.

01:36But, you know, ladies and gentlemen, we have so much on this show that I don't want to

01:41take up a lot of time talking, so I would like to present to you immediately a fellow

01:46you'll always enjoy seeing, my singing star, Dennis Day.

01:58Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

02:01Tonight, I would like to sing The Twelfth of Never.

02:03If you please, Mr. Merrick.

02:06Wait, wait, mail it.

02:08Wait, mail it.

02:09Hold it.

02:12Dennis, what's the idea of rushing into your song?

02:14I want to talk to you first.

02:15Well, I don't want to talk to you.

02:18What?

02:19You hired me to sing a song, and that's what I'm going to do.

02:21If you please, Mr. Merrick.

02:25Wait, mail it.

02:27Mail it.

02:27Hold it.

02:28Wait till I say it.

02:34Look, Dennis, what's, what is all, what's bothering you?

02:38Well, I'll tell you what's bothering me.

02:39The last time you used me was on the opening show of the season.

02:42That was five months ago, and you haven't used me since.

02:45Well, Dennis, there's a reason for that.

02:47After all, you know how the way my shows are constructed, it's only a half hour, and I have

02:51to make everything tie in.

02:53Have you fit into the show?

02:54Oh, sure.

02:54Excuses, excuses.

02:55I wouldn't mind if I hadn't been with you for so many years.

02:58I haven't grown to admire you as a performer and develop such a deep sense of loyalty and

03:02devotion.

03:03Well, I appreciate your loyalty, but, well, now, take the last program that I did, two

03:12weeks ago.

03:13How would you fit in there?

03:15I don't know.

03:15I didn't see it.

03:16Well, what about my program before that one?

03:25I didn't see that one, either.

03:27All right.

03:28What about the program before that?

03:30I didn't see it.

03:32Dennis, you never watch any of my shows, and you call that loyalty?

03:36Well, certainly.

03:37I don't want to sit there and watch an old man go downhill.

03:50Downhill?

03:50Sure.

03:51I prefer to remember you when you were in your heyday.

03:53We used to come out on the stage and sing, and when my baby, when my baby smiled at me.

03:58Oh, there's such a wonderful light.

04:01The chimes in your eyes.

04:04And then you go into your short suit, you know.

04:06And then you grab hold of the bass.

04:15Then you switch to the slide trombone.

04:21Dennis, look, Dennis.

04:22Then you sit down on the piano, and you belt down...

04:24Wait a minute.

04:24Dennis, hold.

04:26Wait, wait a minute.

04:29Look, Dennis, I don't play a piano or a bass fiddle or a trombone.

04:34I can sing and I can't dance.

04:36Well, that's why I don't watch you.

04:37You're nothing.

04:47Mayland, what are you waiting for?

04:49I don't know.

04:52I wonder what happened to Frank Park.

04:53You ask how much I need you, must I explain?

05:10I need you, my darling, like roses need rain.

05:19You ask how much I love you, I'll tell you true.

05:29Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.

05:37Hold me close, never let me go.

05:47Hold me close, melt my heart like a frilled snow.

05:59I'll love you till the blue bells forget to bloom.

06:08I'll love you till the glow that has lost its perfume.

06:16I'll love you till the twelfth of never, and that's a long, long time.

06:36Until the twelfth of never, and that's a long, long time.

06:51You know, what's the use of kidding?

07:10There's no denying that Dennis has a beautiful voice,

07:12and it gets better every day.

07:15And of course, that's what aggravates me.

07:17You know, I just hate to stand here and watch a young man go uphill.

07:44Hello?

07:44Oh, it's you, Clara.

07:48No.

07:48No, I told you, it's no imposition for me to feed your cats

07:51while you visit your mother in Jersey.

07:53No, I've already bought the cat food.

07:56What?

07:57No, I can't keep the cats here in the house.

07:59You know how allergic Ralph is to cat food.

08:01Fur.

08:03Yeah, you know how he always sneezes

08:05every time I wear that mink stole he bought me.

08:08Yeah, well, don't you worry about it.

08:09I'll take care of it.

08:10Okay, bye-bye.

08:13Come on in, Ed.

08:14Hey, Alice.

08:24Hey, Alice, are you psychic or something?

08:27Well, what do you mean?

08:28Well, when I knocked out the door, you said,

08:30come on in, Ed.

08:31How'd you know it was me?

08:33When a man works in a sewer all day,

08:34he doesn't exactly need a calling card.

08:36You're a cute kid, Alice.

08:40You're a cute kid.

08:45Hey, that was pretty fancy dunce you got here, Alice.

08:48Oh, yeah, but be careful, Ed,

08:49because they're not mine.

08:50I'm just doing alterations on them

08:51to make a little extra money.

08:52Oh.

08:53Hey, Ed, would you thread this needle for me, please?

08:55Yeah, sure.

08:56Hey, Alice, how come you want to make this extra money?

09:13Well, it's really a secret, Ed,

09:14but you know how crazy Ralph is about bowling.

09:17And he's just had his heart set on getting a new bowling ball.

09:20Yeah, those cantaloupes you've been using

09:22she've been messing up the alleys.

09:25He's been saving for some time.

09:29He finally had $4.89 put away,

09:32so I took his money and added mine to it,

09:34and I bought him a new bowling ball.

09:36It'll be delivered this afternoon.

09:38Hey, Alice.

09:38Thank you, Ed.

09:45Looks like I tried the nuts for me figure.

09:50Well, I get to be going, Alice.

09:55Oh, listen, Ed, will you watch out for Ralph?

09:57And if you see him coming, let me know.

09:58Yes, sure.

09:59Okay.

09:59All right.

10:00All right.

10:20Oh, what's it now, Clara?

10:32Yeah, I told you I got the cat food.

10:34Uh-huh.

10:35I think I got the kind you told me.

10:36Wait a minute.

10:39Kitty cat food number three.

10:41It contains ground-up fish heads, tripe, chopped chicken feet,

10:45bar-state, and cod liver oil.

10:47Uh-huh.

10:48Yeah, just getting ready to feed them now.

10:50Oh, you don't feed them until 7 o'clock.

10:53Oh, all right.

10:53I'll wait until then.

10:54Will you stop worrying?

10:55All right.

10:56Bye-bye.

11:08Hey, Alice.

11:09I just saw Ralph walking up the wall.

11:11Oh, thank you.

11:12Gee, Trixie, hoist the way.

11:20I just saw Ralph walking up the wall.

11:48Oh, hiya, Ralph.

12:07You're getting washed up, I'll just get you supper.

12:09Wait a minute.

12:11Don't you notice anything?

12:14No.

12:15No, I don't, Ralph.

12:18Look around.

12:25What am I supposed to notice?

12:30I'll tell you what you're supposed to notice.

12:33I'll tell you what you're supposed to notice.

12:38I stopped in a drugstore today, weighed myself, and I have lost a half a pound.

12:42You expected me to notice that.

12:49The half a pound must have come out of your head.

12:54You are a riot, Alice.

12:57You are a riot!

12:59Ralph, will you calm down?

13:00I know you're always tired and irritable when you get home from work.

13:03But just calm down.

13:04I'll get my apron and I'll come back and fix you supper.

13:06Now's my chance to deposit some money on my bowling ball account.

13:19Hey, the money is gone.

13:31The whole 489.

13:32Hey, Alice!

13:34Alice!

13:35Well, here's where my 489 went.

13:48An inside job.

13:51Alice!

13:53Alice!

13:53Come out here!

13:55What is it, Ralph?

13:56Look at me.

14:00Don't tell me you lost another half a pound.

14:04Never mind that.

14:06I'm talking about these.

14:08Oh, Ralph, it's not what you think.

14:10It doesn't make the difference what I think.

14:13It'll hold good in any courts in the middle.

14:16But, Ralph...

14:17I can't understand you, Alice.

14:20I can't understand you!

14:26I don't know what you want, Alice.

14:35I don't know what you want.

14:40Just tell me, Alice, what do you want?

14:43A revolving room so you could stand still.

14:51You're asking for me.

14:53You're asking for me!

14:56Now, those dresses go back in the morning

15:02or you'll be the best-dressed woman on the moon.

15:06How is it?

15:07No!

15:10Please don't send me away.

15:12I couldn't bear to leave all this luxury.

15:20Don't steal me, Alice.

15:23Don't steal me!

15:24Don't steal me!

15:26You're never satisfied with anything, Alice.

15:30Never satisfied with anything!

15:32First thing you know, I know you'll want...

15:36You'll want some new drape.

15:38Some new curtains.

15:40New curtains!

15:47The next thing you'll want is some wall-to-wall carpeting.

15:50Oh, no, Ralph.

15:52No, I don't think I'll ever need that.

15:54With you around, we've got wall-to-wall fat.

15:56Ha-dee-har-har!

16:07Ha-dee-har-har!

16:07Ha-dee-har!

16:10Tsk your voice down!

16:11The neighbors will hear you!

16:12I don't want them to hear me!

16:13Now, Ralph!

16:14I don't want all of them!

16:15All of them!

16:16Ha-dee-har-har!

16:19Ha-dee-har-har!

16:20Well, Brandon, there is just no use in even trying to talk to you.

16:28Now sit down and I'll get you your dinner.

16:33I'll get my own.

16:38I'll eat.

16:45Tuna salad.

16:50That happened.

16:58Hey, you lucky boy! How's my own phone on the footy?

17:01Yeah, rotten. You mind if you put the door on me?

17:20Hey, Morton, you want some coffee?

17:28You know something, Luffy?

17:30All of a sudden I got a strange feeling that I want milk!

17:34Good evening, 아빠.

17:36Hwaah!

17:37Ya noticed.

17:44Hwaa!

17:47Hahaha!

17:48Hahaha!

17:54Hahaha!

17:54Yeah, Norton?

18:05Look!

18:09What are you doing?

18:11I don't know, I don't know.

18:13Why not milk with your tongue?

18:16I never heard of that.

18:18I have.

18:21We don't need you.

18:24Oh, yes, Clara.

18:31Oh, you don't have to go visit your mother in Jersey.

18:35You can feed the cats yourself.

18:37No, no, I won't be stuck with the cat food.

18:41Ralph and Norton are eating it now.

18:43Yeah!

18:52Norton!

18:54Stop eating!

18:58Didn't you hear what she said?

18:59That's cat food.

19:01It's the only thing that's fixing your mermaid.

19:03Yes!

19:05Norton, you are an idiot.

19:11You are a mental.

19:12Turn on the light in the hall.

19:25I won't have to.

19:26I got a feeling I can see in the dark.

19:27This is all your fault, Alice.

19:43Learn from those precious.

19:46Come in.

19:47Package for Mrs. Ralph Cramden?

19:51Yes, thank you.

19:52I'll take it.

19:58Well, another package, eh?

20:00Well, that goes back to the store.

20:11Back to the store.

20:12I can't do anything about the dresses, but this hat goes back to the store.

20:32To my loving husband,

20:42for an hour.

20:44Maybe you can't do anything about that.

20:48We'll see you soon.

20:49Okay.

20:49Bye.

20:50Bye.

20:55Bye.

21:02Bye.

21:03Bye.

21:04Bye.

21:05Bye.

21:06Bye.

21:07Bye.

21:09Bye.

21:10Bye.

21:11Bye.

21:12Bye.

21:13Allison, you bought that for me?

21:26That's right, Ralph.

21:27That's why those dresses were here.

21:30Wanted to make some extra money to add to your money and buy you the bowling ball.

21:36Baby, you're the greatest.

21:43Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and I certainly want to thank Jackie Gleason for letting us do this.

22:00Through the courtesy of Hood Shore, by the way.

22:04Audrey, I want to tell you, to me it was just wonderful.

22:07Well, here you play this in New York, and yet you come over here, and you spend all these days here in California,

22:14and yet you were able to stay in that same mood.

22:18I mean, how did you do that?

22:20Well, Jack, that was easy after living in that hotel room you got me.

22:28Well, you said you wanted to be centrally located.

22:31Yes, but I wanted to be in Hollywood, not Glendale.

22:33But the hotel isn't Hollywood.

22:37They moved it during the night to make room for a freeway.

22:42They moved the hotel while you were in it.

22:44That's right, Jack, and there's nothing sadder than looking out a window and watching an old hotel go downhill.

22:51Well, you're...

22:52Audrey, it was just wonderful having you on the show.

22:57Thank you, Jack. I thought Dennis did a great job, too.

22:59So did I. Hey, Dennis, come out here.

23:01Yeah.

23:03Well, Jack is going. He should do it.

23:07Audrey thought you were wonderful.

23:09You know?

23:09Well, never mind the talk. Where's the check?

23:15Boom! Get out!

23:17Audrey thought you were wonderful.

23:19Bye...

23:20These are all you!

23:40Hey!

The Jack Benny Program - The Honeymooners (Classic Television)

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