00:00From Television City in Hollywood, the Jack Benny program with his guest stars, Audrey
00:05Meadows and Dennis Day.
00:24Thank you, thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the program.
00:30You know, since you saw me last, I was in Chicago, where I gave one of my violin concerts at
00:38the Chicago Civic Auditorium, and I want to tell you, of course I enjoy these concerts,
00:44but it was such a thrill, you know, working with this great Chicago Symphony Orchestra,
00:50and it was conducted by Mr. Walter Suskin, who was one of our greatest conductors, and
00:56he's very, very clever, too, you see, because during my violin solo, in order to get me
01:02to follow him and the orchestra, during my number, he tied a dollar bill to the end of
01:11his baton, and this little device not only got me through my concert number, but I followed
01:23him all the way home to his hotel room, and this wasn't easy, considering that he took
01:31a cab and I ran.
01:36But, you know, ladies and gentlemen, we have so much on this show that I don't want to
01:41take up a lot of time talking, so I would like to present to you immediately a fellow
01:46you'll always enjoy seeing, my singing star, Dennis Day.
01:58Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
02:01Tonight, I would like to sing The Twelfth of Never.
02:03If you please, Mr. Merrick.
02:06Wait, wait, mail it.
02:08Wait, mail it.
02:09Hold it.
02:12Dennis, what's the idea of rushing into your song?
02:14I want to talk to you first.
02:15Well, I don't want to talk to you.
02:18What?
02:19You hired me to sing a song, and that's what I'm going to do.
02:21If you please, Mr. Merrick.
02:25Wait, mail it.
02:27Mail it.
02:27Hold it.
02:28Wait till I say it.
02:34Look, Dennis, what's, what is all, what's bothering you?
02:38Well, I'll tell you what's bothering me.
02:39The last time you used me was on the opening show of the season.
02:42That was five months ago, and you haven't used me since.
02:45Well, Dennis, there's a reason for that.
02:47After all, you know how the way my shows are constructed, it's only a half hour, and I have
02:51to make everything tie in.
02:53Have you fit into the show?
02:54Oh, sure.
02:54Excuses, excuses.
02:55I wouldn't mind if I hadn't been with you for so many years.
02:58I haven't grown to admire you as a performer and develop such a deep sense of loyalty and
03:02devotion.
03:03Well, I appreciate your loyalty, but, well, now, take the last program that I did, two
03:12weeks ago.
03:13How would you fit in there?
03:15I don't know.
03:15I didn't see it.
03:16Well, what about my program before that one?
03:25I didn't see that one, either.
03:27All right.
03:28What about the program before that?
03:30I didn't see it.
03:32Dennis, you never watch any of my shows, and you call that loyalty?
03:36Well, certainly.
03:37I don't want to sit there and watch an old man go downhill.
03:50Downhill?
03:50Sure.
03:51I prefer to remember you when you were in your heyday.
03:53We used to come out on the stage and sing, and when my baby, when my baby smiled at me.
03:58Oh, there's such a wonderful light.
04:01The chimes in your eyes.
04:04And then you go into your short suit, you know.
04:06And then you grab hold of the bass.
04:15Then you switch to the slide trombone.
04:21Dennis, look, Dennis.
04:22Then you sit down on the piano, and you belt down...
04:24Wait a minute.
04:24Dennis, hold.
04:26Wait, wait a minute.
04:29Look, Dennis, I don't play a piano or a bass fiddle or a trombone.
04:34I can sing and I can't dance.
04:36Well, that's why I don't watch you.
04:37You're nothing.
04:47Mayland, what are you waiting for?
04:49I don't know.
04:52I wonder what happened to Frank Park.
04:53You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
05:10I need you, my darling, like roses need rain.
05:19You ask how much I love you, I'll tell you true.
05:29Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
05:37Hold me close, never let me go.
05:47Hold me close, melt my heart like a frilled snow.
05:59I'll love you till the blue bells forget to bloom.
06:08I'll love you till the glow that has lost its perfume.
06:16I'll love you till the twelfth of never, and that's a long, long time.
06:36Until the twelfth of never, and that's a long, long time.
06:51You know, what's the use of kidding?
07:10There's no denying that Dennis has a beautiful voice,
07:12and it gets better every day.
07:15And of course, that's what aggravates me.
07:17You know, I just hate to stand here and watch a young man go uphill.
07:44Hello?
07:44Oh, it's you, Clara.
07:48No.
07:48No, I told you, it's no imposition for me to feed your cats
07:51while you visit your mother in Jersey.
07:53No, I've already bought the cat food.
07:56What?
07:57No, I can't keep the cats here in the house.
07:59You know how allergic Ralph is to cat food.
08:01Fur.
08:03Yeah, you know how he always sneezes
08:05every time I wear that mink stole he bought me.
08:08Yeah, well, don't you worry about it.
08:09I'll take care of it.
08:10Okay, bye-bye.
08:13Come on in, Ed.
08:14Hey, Alice.
08:24Hey, Alice, are you psychic or something?
08:27Well, what do you mean?
08:28Well, when I knocked out the door, you said,
08:30come on in, Ed.
08:31How'd you know it was me?
08:33When a man works in a sewer all day,
08:34he doesn't exactly need a calling card.
08:36You're a cute kid, Alice.
08:40You're a cute kid.
08:45Hey, that was pretty fancy dunce you got here, Alice.
08:48Oh, yeah, but be careful, Ed,
08:49because they're not mine.
08:50I'm just doing alterations on them
08:51to make a little extra money.
08:52Oh.
08:53Hey, Ed, would you thread this needle for me, please?
08:55Yeah, sure.
08:56Hey, Alice, how come you want to make this extra money?
09:13Well, it's really a secret, Ed,
09:14but you know how crazy Ralph is about bowling.
09:17And he's just had his heart set on getting a new bowling ball.
09:20Yeah, those cantaloupes you've been using
09:22she've been messing up the alleys.
09:25He's been saving for some time.
09:29He finally had $4.89 put away,
09:32so I took his money and added mine to it,
09:34and I bought him a new bowling ball.
09:36It'll be delivered this afternoon.
09:38Hey, Alice.
09:38Thank you, Ed.
09:45Looks like I tried the nuts for me figure.
09:50Well, I get to be going, Alice.
09:55Oh, listen, Ed, will you watch out for Ralph?
09:57And if you see him coming, let me know.
09:58Yes, sure.
09:59Okay.
09:59All right.
10:00All right.
10:20Oh, what's it now, Clara?
10:32Yeah, I told you I got the cat food.
10:34Uh-huh.
10:35I think I got the kind you told me.
10:36Wait a minute.
10:39Kitty cat food number three.
10:41It contains ground-up fish heads, tripe, chopped chicken feet,
10:45bar-state, and cod liver oil.
10:47Uh-huh.
10:48Yeah, just getting ready to feed them now.
10:50Oh, you don't feed them until 7 o'clock.
10:53Oh, all right.
10:53I'll wait until then.
10:54Will you stop worrying?
10:55All right.
10:56Bye-bye.
11:08Hey, Alice.
11:09I just saw Ralph walking up the wall.
11:11Oh, thank you.
11:12Gee, Trixie, hoist the way.
11:20I just saw Ralph walking up the wall.
11:48Oh, hiya, Ralph.
12:07You're getting washed up, I'll just get you supper.
12:09Wait a minute.
12:11Don't you notice anything?
12:14No.
12:15No, I don't, Ralph.
12:18Look around.
12:25What am I supposed to notice?
12:30I'll tell you what you're supposed to notice.
12:33I'll tell you what you're supposed to notice.
12:38I stopped in a drugstore today, weighed myself, and I have lost a half a pound.
12:42You expected me to notice that.
12:49The half a pound must have come out of your head.
12:54You are a riot, Alice.
12:57You are a riot!
12:59Ralph, will you calm down?
13:00I know you're always tired and irritable when you get home from work.
13:03But just calm down.
13:04I'll get my apron and I'll come back and fix you supper.
13:06Now's my chance to deposit some money on my bowling ball account.
13:19Hey, the money is gone.
13:31The whole 489.
13:32Hey, Alice!
13:34Alice!
13:35Well, here's where my 489 went.
13:48An inside job.
13:51Alice!
13:53Alice!
13:53Come out here!
13:55What is it, Ralph?
13:56Look at me.
14:00Don't tell me you lost another half a pound.
14:04Never mind that.
14:06I'm talking about these.
14:08Oh, Ralph, it's not what you think.
14:10It doesn't make the difference what I think.
14:13It'll hold good in any courts in the middle.
14:16But, Ralph...
14:17I can't understand you, Alice.
14:20I can't understand you!
14:26I don't know what you want, Alice.
14:35I don't know what you want.
14:40Just tell me, Alice, what do you want?
14:43A revolving room so you could stand still.
14:51You're asking for me.
14:53You're asking for me!
14:56Now, those dresses go back in the morning
15:02or you'll be the best-dressed woman on the moon.
15:06How is it?
15:07No!
15:10Please don't send me away.
15:12I couldn't bear to leave all this luxury.
15:20Don't steal me, Alice.
15:23Don't steal me!
15:24Don't steal me!
15:26You're never satisfied with anything, Alice.
15:30Never satisfied with anything!
15:32First thing you know, I know you'll want...
15:36You'll want some new drape.
15:38Some new curtains.
15:40New curtains!
15:47The next thing you'll want is some wall-to-wall carpeting.
15:50Oh, no, Ralph.
15:52No, I don't think I'll ever need that.
15:54With you around, we've got wall-to-wall fat.
15:56Ha-dee-har-har!
16:07Ha-dee-har-har!
16:07Ha-dee-har!
16:10Tsk your voice down!
16:11The neighbors will hear you!
16:12I don't want them to hear me!
16:13Now, Ralph!
16:14I don't want all of them!
16:15All of them!
16:16Ha-dee-har-har!
16:19Ha-dee-har-har!
16:20Well, Brandon, there is just no use in even trying to talk to you.
16:28Now sit down and I'll get you your dinner.
16:33I'll get my own.
16:38I'll eat.
16:45Tuna salad.
16:50That happened.
16:58Hey, you lucky boy! How's my own phone on the footy?
17:01Yeah, rotten. You mind if you put the door on me?
17:20Hey, Morton, you want some coffee?
17:28You know something, Luffy?
17:30All of a sudden I got a strange feeling that I want milk!
17:34Good evening, ì•„ë¹ .
17:36Hwaah!
17:37Ya noticed.
17:44Hwaa!
17:47Hahaha!
17:48Hahaha!
17:54Hahaha!
17:54Yeah, Norton?
18:05Look!
18:09What are you doing?
18:11I don't know, I don't know.
18:13Why not milk with your tongue?
18:16I never heard of that.
18:18I have.
18:21We don't need you.
18:24Oh, yes, Clara.
18:31Oh, you don't have to go visit your mother in Jersey.
18:35You can feed the cats yourself.
18:37No, no, I won't be stuck with the cat food.
18:41Ralph and Norton are eating it now.
18:43Yeah!
18:52Norton!
18:54Stop eating!
18:58Didn't you hear what she said?
18:59That's cat food.
19:01It's the only thing that's fixing your mermaid.
19:03Yes!
19:05Norton, you are an idiot.
19:11You are a mental.
19:12Turn on the light in the hall.
19:25I won't have to.
19:26I got a feeling I can see in the dark.
19:27This is all your fault, Alice.
19:43Learn from those precious.
19:46Come in.
19:47Package for Mrs. Ralph Cramden?
19:51Yes, thank you.
19:52I'll take it.
19:58Well, another package, eh?
20:00Well, that goes back to the store.
20:11Back to the store.
20:12I can't do anything about the dresses, but this hat goes back to the store.
20:32To my loving husband,
20:42for an hour.
20:44Maybe you can't do anything about that.
20:48We'll see you soon.
20:49Okay.
20:49Bye.
20:50Bye.
20:55Bye.
21:02Bye.
21:02Bye.
21:03Bye.
21:04Bye.
21:05Bye.
21:05Bye.
21:06Bye.
21:06Bye.
21:07Bye.
21:09Bye.
21:10Bye.
21:10Bye.
21:11Bye.
21:11Bye.
21:12Bye.
21:12Bye.
21:12Bye.
21:13Allison, you bought that for me?
21:26That's right, Ralph.
21:27That's why those dresses were here.
21:30Wanted to make some extra money to add to your money and buy you the bowling ball.
21:36Baby, you're the greatest.
21:43Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and I certainly want to thank Jackie Gleason for letting us do this.
22:00Through the courtesy of Hood Shore, by the way.
22:04Audrey, I want to tell you, to me it was just wonderful.
22:07Well, here you play this in New York, and yet you come over here, and you spend all these days here in California,
22:14and yet you were able to stay in that same mood.
22:18I mean, how did you do that?
22:20Well, Jack, that was easy after living in that hotel room you got me.
22:28Well, you said you wanted to be centrally located.
22:31Yes, but I wanted to be in Hollywood, not Glendale.
22:33But the hotel isn't Hollywood.
22:37They moved it during the night to make room for a freeway.
22:42They moved the hotel while you were in it.
22:44That's right, Jack, and there's nothing sadder than looking out a window and watching an old hotel go downhill.
22:51Well, you're...
22:52Audrey, it was just wonderful having you on the show.
22:57Thank you, Jack. I thought Dennis did a great job, too.
22:59So did I. Hey, Dennis, come out here.
23:01Yeah.
23:03Well, Jack is going. He should do it.
23:07Audrey thought you were wonderful.
23:09You know?
23:09Well, never mind the talk. Where's the check?
23:15Boom! Get out!
23:17Audrey thought you were wonderful.
23:19Bye...
23:20These are all you!
23:40Hey!
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