- 8 hours ago
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television. It won numerous awards, including the 1959 and 1961 Emmy Awards for Best Comedy Series, and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00J-E-L-L-O
00:04The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harris and his orchestra.
00:09Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who is celebrating Easter with a new suit, new shirt, new
00:15tie, and new shoes that squeak, Jack Benny.
00:27Hello again, this is Jack Benny, who is also looking for a new announcer.
00:31And listen, Don, it was nice of you to mention my Easter outfit, but it so happens that my shoes
00:36do not squeak.
00:37They might chirp a little because they're happy.
00:42But they do not squeak.
00:44Why, Jack, I heard you when you came into the studio, you sounded like a rusty beer sign in the
00:49wind.
00:50Now, Don, every new shoe has a little something to say, but I repeat, mine do not squeak.
00:55All right, then, just walk around the microphone and see what happens.
00:58Okay, Smarty.
01:05Hmm.
01:06Well, what do you think of your shoes now?
01:08Well, naturally, they're a little nervous. It's the first time they've ever been on the air.
01:13But say, Don, you're kind of dolled up for Easter yourself. That's a nice-looking suit you're wearing.
01:17Well, thanks, Jack. I just bought it last week.
01:20It's very snappy. Where'd you get it?
01:22Well, uh, Arch Heftner and Marks made the pants.
01:24Arch Heftner and Marks? I knew it wasn't a one-man job.
01:30Did they, uh...
01:34Did they, uh, make the coat, too?
01:35Well, Jack, they put in a bid on it, but I finally awarded the contract to the Tri-State Construction
01:40Company.
01:42Oh, yes. They also did the Boulder Dam.
01:45They were something big.
01:46Say, Don, come here a minute.
01:47All right.
01:48Look at Phil standing over there. Isn't it disgraceful the way he comes dressed on a holiday?
01:52Well, it isn't very good taste.
01:54Come here, Phil.
01:54What is it, Jack?
01:55You want to know a funny thing?
01:57Here, I bother to get all dressed up for Easter with a new suit and shoes and spend hours fixing
02:02myself up.
02:04And you come to the studio with slacks, an old sport coat, and no necktie.
02:08Yeah, and you want to know another funny thing?
02:09What?
02:10I still look better than you do.
02:16You do not.
02:18And I'll leave it to anyone here.
02:19In fact, I'll leave it to the boys in your band, which of us is dressed better for Easter.
02:22Why do they know they tried to buy firecrackers today?
02:31Well, that's a nice organization you've got.
02:33Don't tell me they all thought today was the 4th of July.
02:35Oh, the drummer held out for St. Patrick's Day.
02:37Oh.
02:38Yes, I see the shamrock on the cymbal.
02:41Well, Phil, your boys might be mixed up about holidays, but when it comes to music, they're mixed up.
02:48Oh, hello, Mary.
02:50Hello, Jack. Happy Easter.
02:51Thanks. Same to you, kid.
02:52Gee, you look so cute in the Easter parade this morning, all dressed up in your new spring suit.
02:56Oh, I wasn't out there to show off or anything. I like to walk down the boulevard on Easter. Everybody
03:01does.
03:02So you were in the parade this morning, huh, Jack?
03:03I certainly was.
03:05You should have seen them, fellas, strutting along with a cane on his hand and a flower in his lapel,
03:09and he was wearing the swellest derby hat.
03:11Oh, Mary.
03:12Way down over his ears.
03:17Well, it was a little too big. I bought it before I got my hair cut like a darn fool.
03:23And you should have seen that funny double-breasted suit he was wearing.
03:26Well, what was wrong with it? That coat fit me like a dummy in a window.
03:29Well, you should have stayed there.
03:32Well, after all, Mary, I don't have to spend a fortune for a little Easter outfit.
03:36You're right, Jack.
03:37Yeah.
03:37Tell her what happened on the boulevard this morning.
03:39Never mind that.
03:40What was it, Mary?
03:41Well, Jack was strutting along in his new suit, proud as a peacock.
03:44I was just walking.
03:45Go ahead, Mary.
03:46Well.
03:47Oh, you're silly.
03:49Well, he was walking along, and all of a sudden, a man behind him sneezed.
03:53He sneezed, eh? And then what happened?
03:55Jack's coat shrunk four inches.
04:02Oh, well.
04:03Is that right, Jack?
04:03Yeah, before I could say gesundheit, I was nearly strangled.
04:08Anyway, what if it did shrink a little? Who cares?
04:10Oh, Jack.
04:11Oh, hello, Kenny.
04:12Come here a minute, will you?
04:13What is it?
04:14Well, come over here. It's important.
04:15I can imagine.
04:16Okay.
04:23Oh, darn, these shoes.
04:25Hey, what's that noise?
04:26A squeak at Oxford.
04:31All right. Now, what is it, Kenny?
04:33Well, I did something last week, and I don't know whether I ought to tell you.
04:36Well, you called me over here, didn't you?
04:37Well, if I tell you, will you promise you won't fire me for it?
04:40Yes, I promise. What did you do?
04:42Well, I listened to Fred Allen Wednesday night.
04:47Oh, you mean the guy that wears flower sacks candies?
04:51Well, Kenny, I don't care who you listen to.
04:54I heard Fred Allen, too, Jack.
04:55And the way he ran you down, you ought to do something about it.
04:57Well, I'll admit he is a bit of a nuisance, but what can I do?
05:00Why don't you have him bumped off?
05:05Well, you know, I'll take him for a drive.
05:14Drive? You mean ride. Take him for a drive.
05:17Well, you ought to do something about it.
05:19Allen keeps saying you're cheap all the time.
05:21Oh, he does, eh? Well, he's got a lot of nerve to talk about me.
05:24Any man that'll open a can of sardines, eat them, and then save the tails for hash.
05:30Well.
05:35I'm glad I didn't blow that line, too.
05:38Don't tell me about that guy.
05:40Yeah, and another thing. He said your toupee didn't fit.
05:42Now, that's a big lie because I don't even wear one.
05:45Mary, look at the top of my head. What do you see there?
05:48A parking lot.
05:50Well, let's forget my head and Allen and everything else.
05:53Go ahead and sing your song, Kenny.
05:54Okay.
05:55Oh, Jack, wait a minute. I just thought of something awful.
05:57What's that?
05:58Here it is, Easter, and I forgot to write a poem.
06:01Well, Mary, what will people think?
06:03Now, you go ahead and write one while Kenny sings and work hard on it.
06:06Oh, her and her old poems.
06:08Oh, yeah, you and your old songs.
06:10Well, my songs are better than your poems.
06:12Now, children, children!
06:16Sing, Kenny.
06:18Oh, me and my new shoes.
06:20I'm sorry I tore off that guarantee.
06:30That was Donkey Serenade from the Firefly, sung by Kenny Baker.
06:35Hmm, Donkey Serenade.
06:36It's kind of a silly title, isn't it, Kenny?
06:38Silly?
06:39Sure.
06:39After all, who would serenade a donkey?
06:41A jackass, Jack.
06:47Well.
06:49Hey, that's right, come to think of it.
06:52Hey, Mary, are you coming along with your poem?
06:54I need one more verse I'll be through in a minute.
06:57Well, hurry it up.
06:57We haven't got anything to do here.
06:59Oh, we haven't, eh?
06:59Well, ladies and gentlemen, while you're waiting for Miss Livingston's poem,
07:02why don't you skip out in your kitchen and prepare a dish of Jell-O?
07:05It's tempting, easy to make, and comes in six delicious flavors.
07:08I'm all finished, Don.
07:09Well, I'm not.
07:10Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime.
07:12Look for the big red letters on the box.
07:14Oh, happy Easter, happy Easter.
07:16You are waiting, huh?
07:16Well, wait a minute, Mary, wait a minute.
07:18Take it easy.
07:19Now, what's the name of your poem?
07:21Easter Greetings by Mary O. Livingston.
07:23Now, what's the O for?
07:24Oh, happy Easter, happy Easter.
07:27Hmm.
07:28You are with us once again.
07:30With your Easter eggs so tempting, summer candy, summer hen.
07:35Well, that makes sense, yeah.
07:37Uh, boys and girls all dressed up pretty, parade the streets in every city,
07:41and all show off their Easter stuff, even though it's on the cusp.
07:46Now, that's a little too personal, I think, Mary.
07:49I like to smell your Easter lilies.
07:51Your hot cross buns, I love to tackle.
07:53Your rabbits, all lay eggs, they say.
07:56But, gee, I never heard one cackle.
07:59Tackle, tackle.
08:00Now, that's just loony.
08:01Say, Jack, did Longfellow work with a stooge?
08:03No.
08:04Then keep still.
08:11A last bird.
08:12That's good.
08:18So, I salute you, happy Easter, with one hip-hip and two hurrahs.
08:22Until you come next year to greet us, I say farewell.
08:26The end.
08:27Applause.
08:33Well, you got a nice hand there, Mary, but you asked for it.
08:36Do you think that's ethical?
08:37No, but it's sure.
08:39Oh, yeah.
08:40Well, you got something there.
08:41There's nothing like going after it yourself.
08:42Phil, say, Jack.
08:43Yes, Phil.
08:43What are we stalling for?
08:45When are we going to do something interesting?
08:46Well, Phil, we're doing the best we can.
08:48If it's dull here, why don't you pick up your orchestra and go home?
08:51That's what I say.
08:54Thanks, Kenny, and mind your own business.
08:56He always comes to at the wrong time.
09:01What I meant, Jack, are we going to do a play tonight?
09:03No, Phil, we don't have to do a play every Sunday night.
09:06What is this, a stock company?
09:07No, but I just thought we ought to.
09:09Putting on a play week after week is no picnic, you know.
09:11People seem to like them.
09:13Yes, but gee whiz, do you think it's easy?
09:15Do you think it's necessary?
09:16It's none of my business.
09:24I'm talking to Phil.
09:26Kenneth.
09:29Anyway, fellas, I'll tell you what I've planned to do, and it's a surprise.
09:32We're going to cut the program short tonight,
09:34and I'm going to treat you all to the Al G. Barnes Sells Floto Circus.
09:37Now, what do you think of that?
09:39Oh, that's right.
09:40Yes, sir.
09:42Now, remember, fellas, remember, it's my treat.
09:44A man gave me five passes for tonight's show.
09:48Passes?
09:48How'd you get them?
09:49Well, I've got a friend with the circus,
09:51and besides, I let him put posters up all over my new house.
09:55I will be moving in for quite a while, you know.
09:57Say, Jack, you know, I happened to drive by your new house last night.
10:00It's coming along fine, isn't it?
10:01Yeah, and do you notice all those circus posters
10:03with lions and snakes and zebras all over them?
10:06Yes, sir.
10:06I threw my jug right out the window.
10:14Oh, you did, huh?
10:15Well, tonight you're invited to see the real thing.
10:17We'll have a lot of fun, too.
10:19I'm terribly sorry, Jack.
10:20I'd love to go, but I got a blind date tonight.
10:22Oh, you and your blind date.
10:24Well, I guess you're stuck, Phil.
10:25How about going now, fellas?
10:26We'll just about make it.
10:27Sure, I think you better hurry.
10:29Wait a minute.
10:30Come in.
10:33Well...
10:33Hiya, Buck.
10:34Well, hello, Andy.
10:36Say, you're just in time.
10:37We're all going to the circus, and I got a pass for you, too.
10:40You want to come along?
10:41Sure, Buck.
10:42I got an aunt with that show.
10:43She's the bearded lady.
10:45Your aunt?
10:45How did she happen to become a bearded lady?
10:47Oh, she just got tired of shaving one day.
10:56Oh, well, come on.
10:58Let's go.
10:58Oh, by the way, Andy, I meant to ask you.
11:00Did your paul buy that airplane you were telling me about?
11:03Oh, sure.
11:04He's been flying around in it all week.
11:06Already?
11:07Say, he's learning fast, isn't he?
11:08Yeah, too fast.
11:09Yesterday, he was practicing a loop-to-loop, and he fell out.
11:13Oh, that's terrible.
11:15Yeah, lucky thing he had on a parachute.
11:17Well, I'll say it was lucky.
11:19Too bad he forgot to open it.
11:23What?
11:23My goodness.
11:24He fell right down to the ground, eh?
11:25Gee, he must have hit it pretty hard.
11:27I'll say he did.
11:28He swallowed his chew in the back.
11:30Well, I'm glad it was nothing more serious.
11:32Come on, Jack.
11:33Let's go.
11:34All right.
11:34Wait.
11:34Let's see if I've got the passes.
11:35Yeah, we're all set.
11:36Come on, fellas.
11:37All right.
11:38Hey, Phil.
11:39Hey, Phil.
11:40Take care of the show from now on.
11:41Okay.
11:43Well, fellas, let's play the next number and go home.
11:45What'll we play?
11:46Oh, anything.
11:47Squeaky shoes won't know the difference.
11:49You ready, boys?
11:51Wait a minute.
11:52Hold everything.
11:52Come in.
11:53Mr. Harris?
11:54Yes.
11:55Have you got a blind date tonight?
11:56Yes, I have.
11:57Don't keep Mama out late.
11:58Goodbye.
12:00Goodbye.
12:07All right.
12:08All right.
12:08All right, boys.
12:09Play slow.
12:10I'm in no hurry.
12:23Well, fellas, here we are.
12:24There's a big crowd, so everybody stick close to me.
12:27We've got a little time to kill before the big show goes on.
12:29Well, what'll we do first?
12:30I want to see the elephant.
12:32I want to get my girl's name tattooed on my chest.
12:35What's her name, Kenny?
12:37Genevieve Kratzenborgenpepper.
12:40You better get another girl or a bigger chest.
12:44It's a fine name.
12:45Where's the fat lady?
12:46I'd like to see her.
12:47She'd like to see you, too.
12:54Hey, she'd go for you.
12:55Oh, Jack.
12:56What?
12:56Look at the India rubber man over there.
12:58Oh, yes.
12:59Say, that is the India rubber man.
13:00He must have a cold.
13:02A cold?
13:02Why?
13:03He just tied his nose in a knot.
13:05Say, I must try that sometime.
13:06It'll save handkerchiefs.
13:08Hey, fellas, give a note of the wild man of Borneo.
13:10Look at him there in that cage.
13:11He's a tough-looking mug.
13:13Let's go over and talk to him.
13:14Coo, coo, coo, coo.
13:16Gah!
13:18Oh, boy, he is ferocious.
13:21Hello, wild man.
13:22Grrrr.
13:24Grrr.
13:25Tell me, tell me, what makes you so wild?
13:27It's town hall tonight.
13:29Grrrr.
13:33Grrrr.
13:35Well, I can understand that.
13:38Balloons, balloons.
13:38Balloons, get them out there blowing up.
13:40Balloons, balloons.
13:42Oh, Jack, buy me a balloon.
13:44Yeah, I want one, too.
13:45That pretty pink one.
13:46Say, that is pretty.
13:47Do you want a balloon, Kenny?
13:48Nah, that's for children.
13:49I want a Tom Collins.
13:53Kenny, you don't even know what a Tom Collins is.
13:56I do, too.
13:56It's a hard-boiled lemonade.
13:59All right, stop showing off.
14:01Home, Mr. Benny?
14:02Why, Rochester.
14:03I thought you was at NBC Broadcasting.
14:06Yeah, and I thought you were home where you should be, working.
14:09Well, here we are at the surrogates.
14:11Hee, hee!
14:14Well, now that you're here, you can stay.
14:15But don't let it happen again.
14:17Yes, sir.
14:17Say, boss.
14:18Well?
14:19Are you in the mood for a little conference in the field of finance?
14:29Oh, so you're broke again, eh?
14:31What happened to that $5 I gave you last night?
14:33The what?
14:34I gave you $5 last night.
14:36Now, what did you do with it?
14:37I sent that out to fight the recession.
14:41Now, tell me the truth, Rochester.
14:43What did you do with that money?
14:44I went to the barbershop.
14:46Now, that's ridiculous.
14:47How could you spend $5 in a barbershop?
14:49The barber threw a seven.
14:55Well, here's a dollar.
14:56That's all you're going to get.
14:57Now, run along.
14:58Thanks, boss.
14:59Here I come, Josephine.
15:02Hmm, that boy can't hold on to a dime.
15:05See, I'm hungry.
15:05I'm going over and get a hot dog.
15:07Yeah, me too.
15:07I could go for one myself.
15:09Hot dogs.
15:10Get your hot dogs here.
15:11Get them while they're red hot.
15:12Hey, I thought you were selling balloons.
15:13Where will you taste the hot dogs?
15:20Oh, I see.
15:21Well, we don't want any.
15:22Hey, Jack, look, look.
15:23They're lining up the freaks for the sideshow.
15:27Right this way, ladies and gentlemen.
15:29Our sideshow is about to begin.
15:31We have with us the greatest and most stupendous aggregation of freaks and curiosities this world has ever seen.
15:38Come on, fellas.
15:39Let's get a load of this.
15:41Yeah, this ought to be good.
15:42Oh, hurry up.
15:43And now, right over here on my right, we have Elmar, the living skeleton.
15:46Why, this man is so thin, we can't weigh him.
15:50Keeps blowing off the scale.
15:53A living skeleton.
15:54I'll bet he weighs 150 pounds.
15:56Go on, your shoes squeak.
16:00How does he know?
16:01Now, over here on my left, we have Mademoiselle Lulu, the greatest snake charmer that ever made a cobra say
16:07uncle.
16:07Well, well, hello, Lulu.
16:10Hello, Andy.
16:11Why, Andy, do you know the snake charmer?
16:13Sure, I used to know her when she played with worms.
16:19Oh, way back when, eh?
16:22And right over here, we have one of the greatest novelties on the face of the globe.
16:27Sailor Smith, the tattooed man.
16:29Pictures from head to toe.
16:31Tattooed man, why, there's hardly a mark on his body.
16:34We sent him to the laundry and shut up.
16:37Shut up yourself, you old windbag.
16:39And right over here, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new attraction.
16:43The man with the pin head.
16:44Where?
16:45I'm looking at you.
16:50Why don't you keep quiet, Jack?
16:51I'm the nerve of that guy saying I had a head like a pin.
16:54Yeah, how could he tell with your hat on?
16:57Wise guy.
16:58And now, folks, last but not least, for the real sensation of the evening, we have with
17:04us none other than that famous old rental dancer, Princess Zaza, direct from Cairo, Egypt.
17:11Yes, sir, she dances.
17:14She shakes and she quivers.
17:16Oh, boy, that's my dish.
17:18Candy.
17:18Right inside, folks.
17:20Princess Zaza goes on immediately.
17:22Come on, fellas.
17:23Let's go in.
17:24Yeah.
17:24See you later, you little cut up.
17:25Wait a minute, Jack.
17:26We haven't time to go in here.
17:27The big show starts right away.
17:28Yeah, we've got to go over there, darn it.
17:30Have you got your passes, Jack?
17:31Here they are.
17:32I've got to exchange them at the box office.
17:40Well, here we are, fellas.
17:41Yes, sir.
17:42How many?
17:43I'd like to exchange these for tickets.
17:45I've got five passes.
17:46Here you are.
17:47Listen, buddy, these passes are good, all right, but not for tonight.
17:49These are for the matinee.
17:54Matinee.
17:54The man that gave them to me said they were for tonight.
17:56I can't help what he said.
17:58These are for the matinee.
17:59Matinee or no matinee?
18:01What's the fine howdy?
18:03I'm going right home and rip those posters off my house.
18:05Go ahead.
18:06We're leaving town tonight anyway.
18:08Well, this is the dirtiest trick that I've ever...
18:10Move along, buddy.
18:11We're holding up the line there.
18:12Well, I've never heard of such a rotten thing in all my life.
18:16Oh, Jack, why haggle about it?
18:17Why don't you buy tickets?
18:19Sure, Buck.
18:20A couple of dollars won't pay you.
18:21Now, listen, fellas.
18:22It's not the money.
18:22It's the principle of the thing.
18:23Oh, come on, Jack.
18:25Come on.
18:25If you feel that way about it, I'll buy the ticket.
18:27Oh, no, Don.
18:27You can take us out to supper later.
18:31But we're going to get into this circus for nothing.
18:33Now, follow me.
18:34Hey, the main entrance is over that way.
18:35I know what I'm doing.
18:36They're not going to put anything over on me.
18:38Come on around to the back.
18:42Now, quiet, everybody.
18:44I'll show those guys.
18:45Now, look nonchalant, fellas.
18:47I know what's coming.
18:48Now, wait.
18:49Now, wait.
18:49Here's a good place.
18:50Lift the tent, Kenny.
18:51We'll all crawl under.
18:52Oh, gee whiz.
18:54That would go exactly what you wanted to do, I think.
18:55Oh, don't be afraid.
18:57Now, come on.
18:58Now, listen, fellas.
18:59Mary, Kenny, and I will go in first.
19:01And Don, you and Andy can watch until I give you the signal to come in.
19:04Now, come on.
19:05Follow me under the tent.
19:07Woo!
19:07Kenny, don't push.
19:17Now, quiet, quiet, everybody.
19:19Gee, this is like going to the circus with Harry Lauder.
19:21All right, here we are.
19:22Up on your feet.
19:23Well, here we are on the inside.
19:25What's wrong with this?
19:26Hey, Jack, look at these bars over here.
19:28What are they for?
19:29That's a cage, Kenny.
19:30There are lions on the other side.
19:32Oh, yeah?
19:32Turn around, Jack.
19:34Oh, for goodness sake!
19:37Oh, hey!
19:37Come on, Randy, Randy, wait for me!
19:40Jack, Jack, go away!
19:43Calling Frank Buck!
19:45Calling Frank Buck!
19:49This is the last number of the 29th program of the new Jell-O series.
19:54And we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time.
19:58Well, folks, I'm all out of breath, but I got away from that lion.
20:01And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that next Sunday night,
20:04we are going to present the highlight of our entire season.
20:07We're going to offer our version of Walt Disney's greatest film success,
20:12Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
20:14So be sure and listen in.
20:16Say, Jack, have you seen the picture yet?
20:17No, Mary, but I'm going to see it tonight.
20:19I've got passes.
20:21Um...
20:22Do you want to come along?
20:24No, I'm not going to sneak under the Carthay Circle.
20:27Good night, folks.
20:32J-E-L-L!
20:34All ró'?
20:36All ról...
20:37Awww...
20:37...
20:37...
20:38...
Comments