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Fibber McGee and Molly was a long-running American radio comedy series starring real-life married couple Jim and Marian Jordan as the titular characters. The show, which ran from 1935 to 1959, was known for its running gags, most famously Fibber's hall closet, from which a cascade of objects would fall, and for its eccentric cast of supporting characters who visited the couple at their home at 79 Wistful Vista. It became one of the most popular shows of the 1940s, with tens of millions of listeners tuning in each week.
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00:00The Johnson Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly.
00:10The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's self-polishing glow coat present Marion and Jim Jordan as Fibber McGee and Molly with Donald Novice, Bill Thompson, and Billy Mills Orchestra.
00:19Ah, there's a gay Halloween party in progress tonight, given by the McGee's next-door neighbors, the Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve.
00:37And among the guests, we find many names from Wistful Vista's blue book, plus two names from Wistful Vista's telephone book, Fibber McGee and Molly.
00:49Well, it's quite a party, ain't it, Molly?
00:55Ah, it certainly is, McGee.
00:56But stop blowing cigar smoke in my face, dearie.
00:59Oh, excuse me. I thought you'd like it.
01:01This is one of the best cigars.
01:02Oh, there, McGee. Hello, Mrs. McGee.
01:05Mighty glad you could come over tonight.
01:06Well, thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve. It's a lovely party.
01:09I'll have to hand it to you, Gildersleeve, for thinking up clever games to play.
01:12Uh, clever games?
01:14Yeah, like hiding a cigar.
01:15How'd you ever think of hiding them in the bottom drawer of your dresser?
01:22Why, McGee, you had no business snooping in Mr. Gildersleeve's dressers.
01:25Oh, that's quite all right, folks. Always glad to have the guests make themselves at home.
01:29That's what I figured.
01:31If you'd like to check over my last bank statement, McGee, you'll find it in the desk in the library.
01:37You must be mistaken, Gildersleeve.
01:39I didn't see it, and I went all through that desk when I was looking for the cigar.
01:42Oh, heavenly days, McGee. Don't be so snoopy.
01:46Hi, Snoopy. I'm just alert.
01:48Incidentally, Gildersleeve, there's a letter on your desk from your tailor.
01:51You mean to tell me you pay 85 bucks for them suits of yours?
01:55Why, uh...
01:56Yes, uh, yes, I do, McGee.
02:00My goodness. McGee buys four of them for that price, don't you, McGee?
02:04Is that so?
02:05Oh, sure.
02:05You mean he buys his clothes?
02:07What?
02:07Well, if you'll excuse me, folks, I'll see how the other guests are getting along.
02:13Have a good time.
02:15What does he mean, do I buy my clothes? Where does he think I get them?
02:18Well, if you get them where I think he thinks you get them, I think you'll think twice about Ashlyn.
02:23You mean you think I don't get them?
02:25Well, hello there, Molly. Hello, Fiver.
02:27Dee, we're having fun.
02:28What are you doing, Mr. Wilcox?
02:29Oh, playing games. Come on in the other room.
02:31Boomer's going to do some sleight-of-hand tricks.
02:33Oh, well. Come on, McGee.
02:35Now, ladies and gentlemen, for my first astounding bit of wizardry, I take this five-dollar bill.
02:42Hmm, don't seem to have a five-dollar bill.
02:44Will someone from the group pass me a five-dollar bill?
02:48Why, a five-dollar bill, Boomer. Can't you do it with a one?
02:51Certainly not. Five is a magical number.
02:53Five pennies and a nickel, five nickels and a quarter, and five quarters and a dollar and a quarter.
03:01Ah, thank you, Mr. Wilcox. Thank you, Tucker.
03:05Now, watch me closely. Presto, abracadabra, zingo.
03:09And the bill has disappeared, entirely without the use of mirrors or concealed wires.
03:13Thank you, all.
03:14Hey, that's very good.
03:16Oh, now, quiet, please.
03:17Now, with another simple twist of the wrist, I might say a slight pang of regret,
03:23I will restore the five-dollar bill.
03:26Presto, abracadabra, zingo.
03:28Oh, and here, well, well, must have made a slip somewhere.
03:34Can't seem to bring it back.
03:35Oh, no, you don't, Boomer.
03:37Fork over that spin.
03:38Come, come, uncouth.
03:41Surely you're not accusing Horatio K. Boomer of chicanery.
03:44Have your five dollars right here someplace.
03:47Now, where can I put that five-dollar bill?
03:49Let me look through my pocket.
03:50That guy's so light-fingered, he has to stick his hands under an anvil to get a manicure.
03:54And they'd better keep an eye on the anvil, too.
03:58Now, let me see.
03:59Five-dollar bill, five-dollar bill.
04:02Where can I put that five-dollar bill?
04:04Ah, here it is.
04:05No, no, no, it isn't either.
04:07That's a photograph of my cousin, Guernsey Boomer.
04:11Good heavens, he's bow-legged, isn't he?
04:14Not naturally, my dear, but he's been ridden out of town on a rail so often his knees have lost touch with each other.
04:21Now, let me see.
04:22Here's an advertisement for asbestos seat covers.
04:25Very handy for driving hot cars.
04:30Package of corn remover.
04:31Here, give some to your script writer.
04:35Postcard from Minnie the Moocher.
04:37Ha-ha, the dear girl.
04:39Says she's now a facial masseuse in Texas.
04:41Ha-ha-ha.
04:42The little pan handler.
04:46Small bottle of mint sauce in case I want to take it on the lam.
04:50I'm going to check for a short beer.
04:54Well, well, imagine that.
04:55No five-dollar bill.
04:57I wonder if it could have blown out the window.
04:59I'll blow out the door and see.
05:01Oh, no, you know it.
05:02Come on, man.
05:09McGee.
05:10Huh?
05:10Did Mr. Gildersleeve show you his new automatic phonograph that plays both sides of 12 records without stopping?
05:16Yeah, wonderful, ain't it?
05:17Wonderful.
05:17Why, it's almost noon.
05:19I'll say it is.
05:19Just out of curiosity, I dropped a sleeping tablet in the needle box and it's been playing a man in his dream for 20 minutes.
05:24Well, hello there, Johnny.
05:29Hello, daughter.
05:30Quite a party, ain't it?
05:31Yes, it certainly is, Mr. Oldtimer.
05:33He says, yes, it is.
05:36People go to parties for the same reason bald-headed guys go to burlesque shows.
05:40They at least have the illusion of letting their hair down.
05:42Ha-ha-ha.
05:44Ha-ha.
05:45Ha-ha-ha.
05:45Ha-ha-ha.
05:46Ha-ha-ha.
05:50That's pretty good, Johnny.
05:51But that ain't the way I heard it.
05:52The way I heard it, the President's Secretary said to him,
05:57Say, Mr. Roosevelt, he says,
05:59I haven't seen you made any appointments for next week.
06:03Nope, says Mr. Roosevelt.
06:06I thought I'd do my Christmas shopping early.
06:15Well, I gotta go in the other room, Johnny.
06:17They're bobbing for apples and I gotta get my girl out of there.
06:20She's a-pippin'.
06:21Well, the old creep's on a hoot, ain't he, Molly?
06:30If he was there...
06:31Oh, there, folks.
06:32How's everything going?
06:32Oh, just fine, Mr. Gildersleeve.
06:34By the way, when do we eat, Rocky?
06:35Well, we're serving a buffet supper a little later.
06:38Hot dog, you hear that, Molly?
06:39A buffet supper.
06:39Oh, that's McGee's favorite kind of a meal, Mr. Gildersleeve.
06:42Yeah?
06:42He goes around the buffet table like three biscuits on a fast track.
06:45Ha-ha-ha.
06:47Well, that's fine, yes.
06:48Ha-ha-ha.
06:49Or is it?
06:50But before we have dinner, folks, we're going to have a little more fun.
06:54Mrs. Uppington's going to tell somebody's fortune.
06:56Oh.
06:56Oh, yes.
06:57They're drawing names in the other room now to see who the lucky man is.
06:59Hey, it looks like you're it, McGee.
07:03Oh, this should be very amusing.
07:05Yes.
07:06It's the first party we ever went to where McGee stuck out his hand instead of his neck.
07:09Ha-ha-ha.
07:11Oh, here he is, folks.
07:12Oh, there you are, Mr. McGee.
07:14I hope you don't mind having your fortune told.
07:17Ah, Chuck, no, Uppy.
07:18As the chicken says when he busted out of the egg, I guess the future's worth taking a peep at.
07:24Which hand do you want to raise?
07:25Well, that depends, Mr. McGee.
07:27Are you right or left-handed?
07:29Well, I think he's left-handed.
07:30He reached for the lunch check with his right hand today and fumbled terribly.
07:35Well, then give me your left hand, Mr. McGee.
07:37Okay, here you are.
07:38Oh, I'll meet Mrs. Uppington.
07:40Mrs. Uppington, my pa.
07:42How do you do?
07:44I'm very...
07:44Oh!
07:45Oh, my, that was a joke, wasn't it?
07:48Oh, now, wait till I put on my glasses.
07:51I didn't have them on the last time I told a man's fortune, and I was horribly embarrassed, you know.
07:56Why, Mrs. Uppington?
07:57Oh, my dear.
07:58He had 15 gloves on, and I told him I could see him lying on a plate with two fried eggs and a piece of toast.
08:04Oh, my, a silly girl!
08:09Well, get busy, Uppington.
08:10Tell me, pretty gypsy.
08:12Oh, oh, very well.
08:13Now, first we come to the matter of intelligence.
08:16Oh, we do, eh?
08:17Get a load of this, folks.
08:18The intelligence is indicated by small mounds at the base of the finger.
08:22What mounds?
08:23I ain't got any mounds.
08:24Oh.
08:25And now, this line, this is the lifeline.
08:29Well, throw it out.
08:30I'm going down for the third time.
08:32Ah, your lifeline tells me that...
08:34Oh.
08:35Oh, good heavens.
08:36What, Mrs. Uppington?
08:37Oh, Mrs. McGee, I regret to inform you that your husband has been dead for 12 years.
08:45Very good, Abigail.
08:46Very good.
08:47Well, folks, we have time for a couple more games before supper is served.
08:51Have you any suggestions?
08:52Oh, yes.
08:52Yes, don't stop it.
08:54You know, I think it would be fun if we turned out the lights and told ghosts.
08:57Oh, hey, that's fine.
08:59That's a splendid idea.
09:00Everybody sit down, folks.
09:01I'll turn out the lights.
09:05Want me to tell the first ghost story, folks?
09:07Say, what do you know about telling ghost stories, dearie?
09:09Who, me?
09:10Why, Shep, I've been an expert on ghost stories ever since I was a kid.
09:14Used to give myself the creeps before I could walk.
09:24I made quite a study of ghost stories.
09:26Got those every time I'd walk into somebody's yard.
09:29Folks had chaked their heads and looked gray.
09:33Graveyard McGee, I was known as.
09:36Graveyard McGee, the gloomiest guy that ever gave goose flights to a gay gathering with
09:40McGorry and gruesome Goblin Gablin, getting guys' goats with great gobs of ghastly goings on,
09:44galvanizing groups to get in greenhorns with gallows and graffy gibberish,
09:47and garnering the greatest bag of golden goats from the gutty gales of the Greenland Sea
09:51to the giddy...
09:52Ow!
09:52Who's thinking me?
09:53Ow!
09:53Ow!
09:53Ow!
09:54Ow!
09:54Ow!
09:54Ow!
09:55Ow!
09:55Ow!
09:56Ow!
09:59Well, all right, McGee, if you know so much about ghost stories, you go ahead and tell
10:04one.
10:04Okay, well, I'll let me think of it.
10:05Hey, I know one.
10:06Shall I tell it?
10:07Hey, hello!
10:08Okay.
10:09Well, it happened one night when I was driving through the swamps of Louisiana, when suddenly
10:13my engine went dead.
10:14And there I was, stranded miles from nowhere, and a storm coming up.
10:17I had to find shelter somewhere, so I walked up the road to a deserted-looking, lamb-shackle
10:22old house.
10:24But before I could knock, the door swung slowly open.
10:31Hey, what's that?
10:33Excuse me, folks.
10:34My foot was asleep.
10:35I was straightening out my legs.
10:41Hey, go ahead, Johnny.
10:43Well, as soon as my eyes got used to the darkness, I saw a ghost in my sickness, I heard a heart
10:53voice say, where's my head?
10:58Hey, Mr. Wilcox, weren't you horribly perturbed?
11:01Was I?
11:02My nerves were waving back and forth like windshield wipers.
11:06But I picked myself in hand, and I said, I'm sorry, buddy, but I haven't got your head.
11:10Where'd you lose it?
11:11And the ghost said, right in this house.
11:14I came home one day, and when I saw the kitchen floor looking so dull and dingy, streaked and
11:21worn, I flew into rage.
11:23Oh, sure.
11:24I lost my head and bawled my wife out something terrible.
11:28Gee, I wish I hadn't done it, because I know now what I should have done.
11:32But by that time, I had the door open again, and I ran like the dickens.
11:36Well, what was the point of that story, Mr. Wilcox?
11:39Well, the point is that if you're haunted by the appearance of dull, faded, hard-to-clean
11:43linoleum floors, just try Johnson's Glow Coat.
11:46The no-rubbing, no-buffing floor polish is so easy to use, and keeps linoleum looking new
11:50indefinitely.
11:51And not only that...
11:52Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
11:53You've pulled the plug.
11:54Now get out of the tub.
11:54Turn the lights on, somebody.
12:00All right, just a moment, folks.
12:03I think supper's ready, so if you want to step into the dining room...
12:05Oh!
12:06Hey!
12:07Oh!
12:07Hey!
12:11Well, come on, McGee.
12:12What are you waiting for?
12:12You go ahead, Molly.
12:13I'll be in later.
12:14I got something I want to do.
12:15A kind of Halloween gag.
12:16Don't say anything to anybody now.
12:18I'll be back in a little while.
12:19Boy, it's so dark out here.
12:23I'd like to see Gildersleeve's face tomorrow when he looks in his garage.
12:27Oh!
12:28Hey!
12:28Get away from me!
12:29Who's there?
12:29Who's there?
12:31See, I bet you I switched it, didn't I?
12:34Oh, hello there, little girl.
12:35It's so dark out here, I didn't see you.
12:37What you doing?
12:38Hmm?
12:39I says, what you doing?
12:40Playing Halloween.
12:41Oh.
12:42See, have I been having the fun, too.
12:44Sipping over garbage cans and soap and linoleum and staring at you.
12:49And everything.
12:50Oh, you have, eh?
12:51Yes.
12:52Well, this is the night for it, sis.
12:54Incidentally, you know the difference between a ghost and a sailor with a sprained ankle?
12:57No.
12:58Oh, one's a hobgoblin and the other's a gob hobbling.
13:04Hmm?
13:06I says, one is a hobgob...
13:08Oh, never mind.
13:08You run along and have your fun, sis.
13:10I got some private business to attend to.
13:11What you gonna do?
13:12What you gonna do?
13:13I'll never you mind now.
13:15I bet you're gonna ring somebody's doorbell, I bet you.
13:18Oh, no, I ain't.
13:19Oh, yes, sir.
13:20Oh, no, I ain't.
13:21Oh, yes, sir.
13:23Oh, no.
13:23Listen, sis.
13:24You run along and have your fun, and I'll go and have mine.
13:27Oh, why don't you go with you, huh?
13:29Please, why won't you, huh?
13:31That's rather because I can't let...
13:33That talks a lot, sis.
13:35Now, listen, you know whose garage this is?
13:37Yes.
13:38It's Mr. Gildersleeve, I bet you.
13:40That's right, and I'm Mr. McGee.
13:41I live right next door here.
13:42Yes.
13:43I'm going to play a Halloween trick on Mr. Gildersleeve.
13:50We don't want him to hear it.
13:54Now, look, I'm going to sneak into Gildersleeve's garage and let all the air out of his tire.
13:58Will that be a panic or won't it?
14:00Will it?
14:01Why, sure it will.
14:03Boy, when old Gildersleeve comes out in the morning and...
14:05Quiet, sis.
14:06Now, don't make so much noise.
14:08I see.
14:09You're making all noise, I bet you.
14:11Well, come on.
14:12Now, if you want to be in on this, help me push this garage door open.
14:17Gee, you're always having a fun.
14:19I wish it wasn't so dark in here, but I don't dare strike a light.
14:22Now, look, sis.
14:23You let the air out of the tires on that side, and I'll do the same on this side.
14:26Do you know how to let the air out?
14:27Sure.
14:28I'll let the air out of five cars already tonight, I bet you.
14:33Okay, go ahead.
14:36Gee, it's just a dandy idea, mister.
14:39I thought it was pretty good myself, sis.
14:41But don't you ever tell him.
14:43Hey, mister, the tires are flat on this side.
14:46Okay, same here now, sis.
14:48Now, remember, this is a secret between you and me.
14:50I've got to get back to the party now.
14:51Okay.
14:52Do you know any more riddles, mister?
14:54Huh?
14:55Hmm?
14:56No, I don't know any more riddles.
14:58I do.
14:58Huh?
14:59What's the difference between a peanut butter sandwich and a policeman?
15:03Peanut butter sandwich and a policeman.
15:05I'm sorry, sis.
15:06I'm afraid I don't know the difference between a peanut butter sandwich and a policeman.
15:10Anna?
15:10Yeah.
15:11Oh, I guess that's your top watch then, mister, because here comes a policeman now.
15:15Hey.
15:16What?
15:17Hey.
15:17Hey.
15:17Hey.
15:17Well, have you got your hat, dearie?
15:25Yeah, well, we'll have to go now.
15:27Well, well, I'm sorry you folks have to leave so early, but I'm mighty glad you could come over.
15:31Oh, thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve.
15:33My, my, it's been a simply marvelous party.
15:36Ah, you bet you, Throcky, old man.
15:38You sure know how to throw a party.
15:39Oh, it was lovely.
15:40Say good night to Mrs. Gildersleeve for me.
15:42Yeah, me too, Gildersleeve.
15:43She's a wonderful cook, that wife of yours.
15:45Tell her how we had a terrific time tonight.
15:47I certainly will.
15:48I'm sorry she was so busy in the kitchen she couldn't meet any of you folks.
15:53But you must come over again sometime.
15:55Oh, could I have my shoes, sir, drop you somewhere, Mr. McGee?
15:58Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Duffington.
16:00We just live next door.
16:01Well, good night.
16:02We've had a wonderful time, Mr. Gildersleeve.
16:04Good night.
16:05Good night, Gildersleeve.
16:06Good night, Mrs. McGee.
16:07Good night, Timber.
16:07Good night, everybody.
16:08Good night.
16:09Good night.
16:09Good night.
16:09Good night.
16:10Good night.
16:10Good night.
16:10Good night.
16:11Good night.
16:11Good night.
16:12Good night.
16:12Good night.
16:12Good night.
16:12Good night.
16:12Good night.
16:13Good night.
16:14Boy, what a lousy party.
16:44Heavenly day.
16:55Whoever told them they knew how to entertain?
16:57Yeah.
16:58Old Gildersleeve and his expensive cigars.
17:01Look at them.
17:02Dry as a bone.
17:03All ten of them.
17:07Well, I'm going right up to bed, dearie.
17:09I'm tired.
17:10Yeah?
17:10Oh, I'm coming up, too.
17:11Oh, my goodness.
17:15I hope I don't have bad dreams from that terrible food.
17:18Did you taste those hors d'oeuvres, McGee?
17:24Oh, they look tempting to me.
17:27I'll call it.
17:29Imagine that.
17:30Imagine old Lady Uppington trying to tell fortunes.
17:32Yeah.
17:33I think I'll get her a crystal eight ball for Christmas.
17:35Now, don't drop your shoes there on the floor right where somebody will stumble over them.
17:42Oh, well, they're on my side of the bed.
17:44I'll be the one to stumble over them.
17:48Hand me my cold cream, dearie.
17:49Okay.
17:50Thanks.
17:52Did you notice the cheap towels in the bathroom?
17:54They were like limp sandpaper.
18:03Yeah, sure.
18:04Hey, you scare me with all that cold cream on your face, Molly.
18:07Why didn't you wear that mask to the party?
18:14Imagine them old fogies playing post office at their age.
18:18There ain't one of them with sufficient postage.
18:20There ain't one of them with sufficient postage.
18:24What time am I set the clock for?
18:31Oh, not too early, dearie.
18:32I'll want to sleep a while in the morning.
18:34Yeah, me too, after a night like that.
18:37That ghost story of Mr. Wilkinson.
18:38Yeah.
18:39I'll bet the sponsor haunts him.
18:44The way those people ate.
18:46You see the old timer?
18:48He was chasing the hammer on like an actor's agent.
18:54Hey, this underwear don't fit as good as it did a few years ago, Molly.
19:00It doesn't?
19:00It's getting a little snug around the ankles.
19:04Where's my pajamas?
19:05Oh, here they are.
19:06Hang up your pants.
19:07Oh, I'll hang them up in the morning.
19:12Oh, baby, does this bed feel good to Papa?
19:16Oh, say.
19:18Remind me to tell you sometime about the trick I pulled on Gildersleeve tonight, Molly.
19:21It is a piece.
19:25Ah, what a party that was.
19:28Oh, good night, Molly.
19:29Good night, dearie.
19:35Oh, I wonder who that is at this time of night.
19:3979 Wistful Vista, Molly McGee speaking.
19:43Who?
19:44Oh, oh, yes.
19:46Oh, well, that was real soft, I love you.
19:50I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
19:51Thank you so much.
19:53Yes, we had a simply wonderful time.
19:55Yes.
19:56Good night.
19:58McGee, that was Mr. Gildersleeve.
19:59What'd that stuffed shirt want?
20:01Well, he really did you a favor.
20:03He said he forgot to tell you why you were over there.
20:05Forgot to tell me why.
20:06Well, his car was downtown being repaired,
20:09and he saw us standing in the alley,
20:10and he was afraid the Halloween pranksters would hurt us,
20:13so he put it in his own garage.
20:14That was nice of him.
20:18Maybe he ain't such a bad...
20:19What?
20:20What?
20:20My own car?
20:21I let the air out of my own car?
20:23I don't know.
20:24Oh, my God.
20:25Oh, my God.
20:34Now, folks, we didn't really feel that way
20:35about Gildersleeve's party.
20:37We just wanted to give you an idea
20:39of what we think happens after one of our parties.
20:41Incidentally, Molly,
20:43there's one game we didn't play over there tonight.
20:45What was that, Billy?
20:46Pin the tail on the elephant.
20:47You mean on the donkey?
20:49Oh, no.
20:49Gildersleeve's a Republican.
20:50Oh.
20:51Good night.
20:52Good night, all.
20:53This is Harlow Wilcox
21:12speaking for the makers of Johnson's Wax
21:14and Johnson's Self-Polishing Blow Coat
21:16racing Wisconsin,
21:17inviting you all to be with us again
21:18next Tuesday night at this same time.
21:20Good night.
21:20Heard on the program tonight
21:23where Are You Having Any Fun
21:24from George White's Scandals
21:25and Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
21:26from The Wizard of Oz.
21:27This is the National Broadcasting Company.
21:29Take care.
21:34Amen.
21:35Rajneast
21:43origin
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