- 2 days ago
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television. It won numerous awards, including the 1959 and 1961 Emmy Awards for Best Comedy Series, and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.
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00:00J-E-L-L-O
00:02The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson.
00:16That was, it's a whole new thing played by Phil Harris and his orchestra.
00:20And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again we bring you our master of ceremonies.
00:24That bubbling personality, that effervescent comedian, that fizz, Jack Benny.
00:36Well, thank you, thank you.
00:39Now, J-E-L-O again, this is Jack Benny, the carbonated kid talking.
00:43And Don, I like that introduction, it fits me to a T.
00:45I am bubbling and effervescent, the fizz you can have back.
00:50Well, Jack, let me explain. When I called you a fizz, it was really a compliment.
00:53I meant you were physical.
00:55You know, a fizz for short.
00:57I understand, Don, perfectly. In other words, if you called me a mug, you'd really mean I was magnificent.
01:02Is that it?
01:03Exactly.
01:04Well, Don, if you think I fell for that, you're a fathead, and that's short for your whole body.
01:15Anyway, Don, let's not get into a routine, because I know how you appreciate a good story.
01:20And I heard a gag a few minutes ago that will positively put every one of your chins in motion.
01:26Oh, hey, it's a honey.
01:27It's a good one, huh?
01:28Well, Virgil, the sound man, told it to me, and you know what a clown he is.
01:31Get this, Don.
01:34Don, I haven't even told you the story yet. What are you laughing at?
01:38Is it the one about the nearsighted old maid that buried the midget?
01:41No, heavens, no, Don.
01:44Heavens, not that one.
01:45Now, this is a brand new story. Get this.
01:47There was a fellow walking down the street, and he was leading a pink alligator on a leash,
01:51when all of a sudden, it started to act up and snap at him.
01:54Uh-huh.
01:54So the guy got annoyed, turned around to this pink alligator, and said,
01:58you better behave yourself, or I'll take a bromo seltzer, and that'll be the end of you.
02:05Oh, isn't that terrific, Don?
02:07Oh, it sure is. That Virgil has a great sense of humor.
02:10Gee, that was a funny story, Mr. Benny.
02:12Oh, Dennis, I didn't see you. Did you like it?
02:14Yeah, but there's one thing that puzzles me.
02:16What?
02:16If the man was walking down the street, where did he get the bromo seltzer?
02:20Well, I don't know. He probably had a box of it in his pocket.
02:22Oh. Then I guess he had a glass of water in his other pocket.
02:26Yes, Dennis, and a banjo on his knee.
02:33Now, don't worry about it.
02:34Say, you're here kind of early tonight, Dennis. Where's your mother?
02:36She's across the street in the bowling alley.
02:38In the bowling alley? Well, with her legs, she better watch out.
02:42Anyway, Dennis, I'm glad you're here on time tonight, and I'll try and make a habit of it.
02:48You know, Jack, I can't get over that story you told me. It's silly, but I get a great kick out of it.
02:52Isn't it ridiculous?
02:55Oh, hello, Mary.
02:56Hello, Jack. What's so funny?
02:57Mary, I must tell you.
02:58Did you hear the story about the fellow that was walking down the street eating a pink alligator on a leash?
03:02Is that the one where the man said, I'll take a bromo seltzer and that'll be the end of you?
03:06Yes.
03:06No, tell it to me.
03:07Well, this guy was...
03:10Wait, you just told me the answer.
03:12I thought you said you never heard it.
03:13Oh, stop, Jack.
03:14That's one of the oldest jokes in the world.
03:16Mary, jokes happen to be my business.
03:18And if that was the oldest joke in the world, I'd be the first one to know it.
03:21Should I let him have it, folks?
03:24Never mind.
03:26Do me a favor, will you, Mary?
03:27Go out and come back in again.
03:28Well, gee, Jack, as long as you're telling jokes, why don't you tell a good one?
03:31I heard a gag last night that was terrific.
03:34Oh, you did, eh?
03:34Yeah.
03:35A man walked into the house and said to his wife, it's raining cats and dogs outside.
03:39Uh-huh.
03:39And she said, how do you know?
03:41Mm-hmm.
03:41And he said, I just stepped in a poodle.
03:46I know where you heard that, Mary, at the Wilshire Bowl.
03:49Phil Harris has been husking that for three years.
03:56That's his theme, Joe.
03:59You know, Don, Phil's idea of humor is really pitiful.
04:02Oh, I don't know about that, Jack.
04:03I was at the bowl one night, and the people screamed at him.
04:05Sure, they scream at him.
04:06Every time he finishes a gag, he has a waiter throw a custard pie in his face.
04:11That's why.
04:12I didn't see anybody do that.
04:13Oh, well, you must have been their bucket of water night.
04:18That's his idea of changing material.
04:20Well, I'll say one thing about Phil.
04:21He sure attracts the young collegiate crowd.
04:23All the college boys go there.
04:25They have to go there, Mary.
04:26That's part of their initiation.
04:34Before they can join a fraternity, they have to either listen to Harris or sleep all night
04:38in a graveyard.
04:40In a graveyard?
04:41Yes, and you'll be surprised at the number of kids around here that aren't afraid of ghosts.
04:46Yes, sir.
04:47You know, Jack, Phil sure believes in that college spirit.
04:49Look at that sign on the bass drum.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Phil Harrison is collegian.
04:53Look, he spells collegians with one L.
04:56Well, he spells Phil with two, so it's all even.
04:59You know, Mary, sometimes I think that Phil...
05:01Jiggers, here he comes now.
05:02Don't jiggers me.
05:04Now, hello, Phil.
05:05Hiya, Jackson.
05:05What's going on?
05:06Well, to tell the truth, Phil, for the last five minutes, we've been talking about you.
05:09Well, a little buildup ain't ever hurt nobody.
05:11No, Phil, and never done you no good either.
05:17Your grammar's worse than Abe Lyman's, and he never got beyond blocks.
05:21Well, who cares about grammar?
05:29I got other things to worry about.
05:31Oh, I can imagine.
05:32Say, Phil, I noticed that new sign you got on the bass drum.
05:35What happened to that corny painting you used to have there?
05:37Corny?
05:38Yeah, you know, the one with the yellow moon and the green river and the purple trees.
05:42Remember that one, Mary?
05:43Yeah, he used to call it Dipsy Doodle by Rembrandt.
05:45That's the one.
05:47Whatever happened to that painting, Phil?
05:48I sold it to the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
05:51You mean the Museum of Fine Arts?
05:52I don't know what they got there, but that's the joint that bought it.
05:56Phil, are you crazy?
05:57Crazy nothing.
05:57Someday that picture will be hanging in Paris, right next to the Mona Lulu.
06:01Well, I'm not going to even bother to correct that.
06:17How do you like that, Mary?
06:18The most famous painting of a woman in the world, and Phil doesn't even know her name.
06:22If she were alive, he'd know her name and phone number.
06:24And her address and what she's doing on Friday night.
06:28Well, I got myself on a detour for no reason at all.
06:31And besides...
06:32Say, Jack, why don't you tell Phil that story the sound man told you?
06:34He'll get a kick out of it.
06:35Oh, he wouldn't even get it.
06:36Come on, Jackson, what is it?
06:37Let's hear it.
06:38All right, Phil, do you know the one about the fellow who was walking down the street
06:40and his pink alligator snapped at him?
06:42Know it.
06:42I'm the guy that drank the Bromo.
06:48There you are, fellas.
06:49He's always got a brilliant comeback, even if he has to make a bum out of himself.
06:53Oh, Dennis.
06:54Yes, please?
06:55How about a song before we get involved again?
06:58Okay, Mr. Benny.
07:00I'm going to sing an old favorite by Stephen Foster called Genie with the Light Brown Hair.
07:03Oh, that's swell, Dennis.
07:05I love those old songs.
07:06Old songs, old gags.
07:08What this program needs is glands.
07:12Mary, you just attend to your own little knitting.
07:20I'll handle the show.
07:21Sing, Dennis.
07:22And the guy that drank the Bromo.
07:26There we go.
07:29That was I Dream of Genie with the Light Brown Hair, sung by Dennis Day.
07:35And Dennis, those old songs always do something to me.
07:38I love them.
07:39Me, too.
07:39Genie with the Light Brown Hair.
07:41What a grand title.
07:42You know, Dennis, I used to have light brown hair in my hair.
07:45Why, Jack, from the pictures I've seen of you, I thought you had black hair.
07:48No, Don, it was brown.
07:49Sort of a russet brown.
07:51No, just like the leaves in autumn.
07:53Well, rake them up and let's get on with the show.
08:01Mary, I wish you'd stop with those interruptions.
08:03Anyway, Dennis, Dennis, I noticed another thing.
08:08Your singing seems to improve every week.
08:10You're gaining poise and confidence.
08:12Well, thanks, Mr. Benny.
08:13Just think, this is your seventh week on my program.
08:16Seven weeks.
08:17Gee.
08:17Yes, sir.
08:18Am I going to get paid pretty soon?
08:19Pretty soon, Dennis.
08:25And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to...
08:28Hey, Jackson, why don't you pay the kid?
08:30Bill, I intend to pay him.
08:31I'm merely holding his salary until he's a little older.
08:34I'm teaching Dennis how to save money.
08:36Well, he's learning from the top man.
08:38Thanks, Miss Livingston.
08:40And if I were you, I wouldn't say another word unless you rub it up on the Lum and Abner program.
08:44And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to...
08:49Oh, here you are, Dennis.
08:49Did you sing your song yet?
08:51Yes, Mother.
08:52Well, good evening, Mrs. Day.
08:54Good evening.
08:55Hmm.
08:55Oh, Mother, you should have been here a few minutes ago.
08:58Mr. Benny told the funniest joke.
08:59It was rather good.
09:01Tell it to her, Dennis.
09:01Well, Mr. Benny was walking down the street leading a pink alligator.
09:05Oh, Stude, eh?
09:10Stude, it wasn't me, Mrs. Day.
09:11Dennis got the story all wrong.
09:13I never touch a drop of liquor.
09:14Then why have you got that red nose?
09:16Because I'm a comedian.
09:17What do you think?
09:20My tie lights up, too.
09:23This story, Mrs. Day, is about a man who takes a bromo seltzer and gets rid of a pink alligator.
09:28What's funny about that?
09:29Nothing.
09:30It's very sad.
09:31I'm crying like anything.
09:36Oh, what a dame.
09:37What's that?
09:38I said, oh, what a game.
09:39I saw UCLA play Santa Clara yesterday.
09:43It was thrilling.
09:47Gosh.
09:54And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please forgive my outburst.
09:58As I started to announce, tonight we are going to offer an original little playlet all about
10:05Thanksgiving, written especially for the occasion by Mary Livingston.
10:08Mary, let me have it, will you?
10:10Oh, Jack, I forgot to tell you.
10:11What?
10:12I changed my mind about a Thanksgiving play, and I wrote a poem instead.
10:15A poem?
10:16Hey, Mary, you mean to say we're not going to do a Thanksgiving play?
10:19No.
10:19Gee, and I was all set to be one of them pilgrims.
10:23Oh, fine.
10:23You'd make a great pilgrim, Phil.
10:25Well, I would.
10:26Listen, buddy, my ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
10:28Oh, did it dock in Dixie?
10:34I thought your family always lived in Tennessee.
10:36Not originally.
10:37You see, we migratated from Massachusetts.
10:47Migratated?
10:48You don't by any chance mean you migrated.
10:50All right, we move.
10:52Forget it.
10:54Migratated.
10:54Did you hear that, Mary?
10:55Yeah, he put in an extra syllable in it.
11:01You're not polluting.
11:03Ladies and gentlemen, before we get out of the mood, let me say a few words about Gelello.
11:07Gelello?
11:09It is economical, easy to make, and comes in six delicious flavors.
11:13So look for the big red latenters on the barrakes.
11:16Thanks, Don.
11:17You surveyed the day.
11:19And now, ladies and gentlemen, as we have no Thanksgiving plays...
11:22Mary Livingston's going to read a Thanksgiving poem.
11:24Oh, no.
11:24Nothing to it.
11:25Oh, gee, it's swell, Jack.
11:26I don't care.
11:27You're not going to read it.
11:28Jack Benny, you let me read this poem, or I won't buy my Christmas cards from you this year.
11:32Oh, Rod, a lot I make on the ones you get.
11:47I don't even have your name printed on them.
11:50Now, go ahead with your poem.
11:52Okay.
11:53What's the title of it?
11:54The title is Thanksgiving, You're a Little Mixed Up, Aren't You, Kid?
11:57Well, that fits.
12:07Go ahead.
12:10Oh, Thanksgiving.
12:11Oh, Thanksgiving.
12:12You are with us twice this year.
12:14With your pumpkin pie and dressing, and your turkey front and rear.
12:19That's the part I always get.
12:20The pilgrims planned in days of yore that you'd come once, not anymore.
12:27But now you are a double feature, and we don't know which day to greet you.
12:31Greet you?
12:32That's what I said, you gorgeous creature.
12:34Now, don't be funny.
12:35Go ahead with the poem.
12:36Suppose we had two everythings, two New Year's Eves to laugh and sing,
12:40two Christmases, two Labor Days, and two Jack Benny's with two toupees.
12:45Mary, you're too, too pressing.
12:50Are you through?
12:51No, but I'm coming into the stretch.
12:53Oh.
12:54So Thanksgiving, I don't mind.
12:55Well.
12:56If you're a week before or a week behind.
12:58Hmm.
13:01What's the difference?
13:02What the heck?
13:03The turkey's the guy that gets it in the neck.
13:05The end.
13:06Very good.
13:15Mary, that was silly, but you came through with flying colors.
13:18And now, Phil, how about a number to kind of break things up here?
13:20Okay, Jackson, what do you want us to play?
13:22Anything special?
13:23Well?
13:23You name it, and we'll play it.
13:25All right, how about that number you rehearsed all morning?
13:27You know, the only one you can possibly play.
13:29Oh, okay.
13:30Hit it, boys.
13:31He asked for request yet.
13:33Hold it a minute, Phil.
13:34Come in.
13:36Mr. Benny?
13:36Yes?
13:37Are you a little mixed up on account of the two Thanksgivings this year?
13:40Yes, I am.
13:40Why?
13:41I was in a fog when we only had one.
13:42Goodbye.
13:45He's not kidding, folks.
13:47He's got his shoes on backwards.
13:49Play, Phil.
13:56That was Cherry Berry Bean, a swing version of an old favorite played by Phil Harris and
14:01his orchestra.
14:02And now, fellas...
14:02Hey, what's the matter?
14:03Aren't you going to complain about the number we just played?
14:06No, Phil.
14:06I thought it was pretty good.
14:07I liked it.
14:08Didn't you, Mary?
14:08Yeah, it was swell.
14:09Did you like it, Don?
14:10I thought it was okay.
14:11How'd you like it, Jack?
14:12Oh, it was great.
14:13How'd you like Phil's number, Mary?
14:15Well, I thought it was a little loud in spots, didn't you, Don?
14:17Yes, it seemed a little off here and there.
14:19What did you think of it, Jack?
14:20I thought it was lousy.
14:27And now, fellas...
14:28Hey, what is this, a rib?
14:29Yes, Phil.
14:29We were just kidding.
14:30I thought your number sounded exceptionally good.
14:32Didn't you, Mary?
14:33Seal me out.
14:34I'm tired.
14:34Now, fellas, as I started to say a little while ago, and before I forget it, Thursday, being
14:41Thanksgiving, I want all of you to come over to my house for a real old-fashioned turkey
14:45dinner.
14:46How about it?
14:47Oh, that's great, Jack.
14:48Well, Dennis, Dennis, this invitation goes for you also.
14:51His mother, too?
14:52Yes, Mrs. Day.
14:53My party wouldn't be complete without you.
14:55You don't sound very sincere about it.
14:57Well, what do you want me to do, send you a mash note?
14:59Well, I'm glad to have you.
15:02The more, the merrier.
15:05Good heavens.
15:06Say, Jack, is this party going to be like the one you gave last Thanksgiving?
15:10What do you mean?
15:11I mean, is the turkey going to be leg of lamb?
15:14Don't worry about that, Mary.
15:15This is going to be a real dinner.
15:16I've got the biggest, fattest, juiciest turkey you ever saw.
15:20Where'd you run over it?
15:25I didn't run over it.
15:26It's a live turkey.
15:27I got it in my garage right now.
15:29It's roosting on my Maxwell.
15:32That's all that car needs.
15:37Now, you wait till you see that bird.
15:39I bet it weighs 65 pounds.
15:4165 pounds?
15:42Why, Jack, you must be mistaken about that.
15:43Oh, no, I'm not, Don.
15:44I had it on the scales.
15:45It's an enormous thing.
15:4665 pounds?
15:47Are you kidding?
15:48I'm not kidding.
15:48Wait till next Thursday and you'll see for yourself.
15:50It's got to be a swell party.
15:52How many people are you expecting, Jack?
15:53Well, there'll be our gang,
15:54and then I invited Clark Gable and Carol Lombard,
15:57Bob Taylor and Barbara Stanwyck,
15:58Tyrone Power and Annabella.
16:00Oh, Jack, you always ask them to every party you give
16:02and they never show up.
16:03Well?
16:04Why don't you stop inviting them?
16:05I can't stop now.
16:06They'll think I'm mad at them.
16:11You know how it is.
16:12How can they be mad at you when they don't even know them?
16:15I don't even know them.
16:16Listen, Phil, I know every one of those stars personally.
16:19Sure.
16:19Jack tells them their Christmas cards.
16:22Mary, will you stop harping on that?
16:23The only reason you ever got cards from me
16:25is because I happen to have some left over.
16:27Every year.
16:27Oh, quiet.
16:29Now, don't forget, fellas, Thursday night at my house.
16:31Oh, we'll be there, Jack.
16:32You know that.
16:33Boy, we're going to have a big turkey
16:34and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes.
16:36And, Don, guess what kind of Jell-O
16:38we're going to have for dessert.
16:39Strawberry?
16:40No.
16:41Raspberry?
16:42No.
16:42Cherry?
16:43No.
16:44Orange?
16:44No.
16:45Lemon?
16:46No.
16:46Give up?
16:47Yes.
16:47Lime.
16:48You see, Don, you almost had it.
16:58There's a kindergarten commercial
16:59if I ever heard one.
17:02Never mind.
17:02That's what we're going to have.
17:03Now, look, kids,
17:04if I don't see you again before Thanksgiving,
17:06be sure to be at my house by 7 o'clock sharp.
17:08And don't eat a big lunch
17:09so you'll really enjoy the turkey.
17:12I'll take it.
17:13Hello?
17:14Hello, Mr. Penny.
17:15This is Rochester.
17:16All right.
17:17What do you want?
17:17Well, boss,
17:18I just heard you talking about
17:19a big Thanksgiving party Thursday night.
17:21That's my night off.
17:23I'm sorry, Rochester,
17:24but you'll have to work.
17:25You can take a day off some other time.
17:26I can get my twin brother to take my place.
17:28I don't want your twin brother.
17:30Well, he looks just like me.
17:31I don't care if he does.
17:32I want you to be at my house on Thursday night.
17:35How about me in spirit
17:36and my brother in person?
17:39Rochester, don't try any tricks.
17:41I can tell the difference
17:42between you and your twin brother.
17:43That's more than this gal can.
17:44Never mind.
17:50Now, look, Rochester,
17:51I want you to get that turkey
17:52up to 70 pounds by Thanksgiving,
17:54so go out in the garage and feed it.
17:55I'm working on the Christmas cards.
17:57They can wait.
18:02Now, go out in the garage
18:03and feed the turkey.
18:04Okay.
18:04Oh, say, boss,
18:05I meant to ask you something
18:06about that bird.
18:07Are you sure it's a turkey?
18:08What do you mean,
18:11am I sure it's a turkey?
18:12Well, I went out in the garage
18:13a few minutes ago
18:14and she laid her egg
18:15as big as a cantaloupe.
18:18As big as a cantaloupe?
18:19What are you talking about?
18:20Not only that,
18:21but every time I go in there,
18:22she sticks her head
18:23in a bucket of sand.
18:29What?
18:30Boss, you bought an ostrich.
18:32I bought an ostrich?
18:33That's right.
18:33She just ate the headlights
18:34off your car.
18:37The headlights?
18:37How do you know?
18:38She had two Adam's apples
18:39and they were going down fast.
18:44It's all your fault, Rochester.
18:46You were with me
18:46when I went shopping
18:47for a turkey.
18:48Why did you let me
18:49buy an ostrich?
18:49I told you it was
18:50a pretty big bird
18:51for the money,
18:52but you know you.
19:01Well, I guess there's nothing
19:02we can do about it now.
19:04Isn't that awful?
19:05I got a polar bear
19:05in the guest room
19:06and an ostrich
19:07in the garage.
19:08And mice in the pantry.
19:09Let's move out.
19:12Now, don't get panicky, Rochester.
19:14I'll be home
19:14in a few minutes.
19:15Meanwhile,
19:15call up the market
19:16and order a turkey.
19:17Okay.
19:17Goodbye.
19:18Goodbye.
19:19Oh, say, boss.
19:19What?
19:20Have you changed your mind
19:21about using my twin brother
19:22Thursday night?
19:23No, I haven't.
19:24Well, I'll figure out something.
19:26Goodbye.
19:27Wait a minute.
19:28Rochester!
19:29Rochester!
19:30Well, I'll be darned.
19:31What's the matter, Jack?
19:32Plenty.
19:33That big turkey I bought
19:34turned out to be an ostrich.
19:35Oh, boy.
19:35You're going to be lonesome
19:36on Thanksgiving.
19:37I am not.
19:38Now, Mary, don't worry.
19:39We're going to have
19:39a swell dinner.
19:40Play, Phil.
19:41This is the last number
19:42of the seventh program
19:43in the current Jell-O series,
19:44and we will be with you again
19:45next Sunday night
19:46at the same time.
19:47Now, don't forget, Mary,
19:48next Thursday night
19:48at my house
19:49for a real Thanksgiving dinner.
19:50Count me out, Jack.
19:52Now, wait a minute.
19:52I'm not going to serve
19:53that ostrich.
19:54I'm going to have a turkey.
19:55Oh, yeah, all right.
19:56Yes.
19:56Well, if I find a headlight
19:57in the dressing, watch out.
19:58Oh, don't worry.
19:59Good night, folks,
20:00and a happy Thanksgiving.
20:06J.P. Topel.
20:13Here's news.
20:14Every Tuesday night,
20:15the Aldrich family
20:15is on the air,
20:16starring Ezra Stone
20:17as Henry Aldrich,
20:18that lovable hard luck kid.
20:20Consult your local newspaper
20:21or radio guide
20:22for time and stations,
20:23and be sure to tune in
20:24on the Aldrich family
20:25next Tuesday night.
20:27Bluebirds in the Moonlight
20:28is from Gulliver's Travels.
20:29This is the National
20:30Broadcasting Company.
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