- 2 days ago
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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LifestyleTranscript
01:00A few minutes ago, we were sitting around wondering what we should do for this, the last program in the series.
01:06Yeah, I said we should build a car that's also an aircraft carrier.
01:10Yeah, I wanted to fire a car into space.
01:13But then we decided that what we should actually do, because neither of those things were ambitious enough, was end world hunger.
01:21Yeah, it's a big job.
01:23Yeah, it's not the sort of thing that we could achieve in 20 minutes with a couple of guests and a bit of idle chit-chat in between.
01:28No, we were going to need the whole show.
01:32So settle back now as we take the grand tour on a mini-special to the poverty-stricken but beautiful country of Mozambique.
01:41This is the village of Bingo in the west of the country.
01:58The people here are not starving, but they are very poor.
02:07A Zeus here has to exist on a diet of miserable gruel, which is fine for silly rich women in London and New York.
02:15But food like this makes the average red-blooded African man very sad.
02:23And that's odd, because just 200 miles away, things are very different.
02:36This is Mozambique's capital city, Maputo.
02:39And the people here are well-nourished and happy, because they live by the ocean, which is full of fish.
02:54And that got us wondering, how hard can it be to get the fish from here to that village we were looking at earlier?
03:02Yeah, now this isn't a very wealthy country. In fact, it's a poor country, is it?
03:06Desperately poor.
03:07Desperately poor. So they don't have refrigerated trucks, all that kind of stuff.
03:11No, but we're talking about 200 miles. That's London to Leeds, isn't it? It's nothing to get this there.
03:17I'm telling you, when we get this sorted out, when we move these fish to Bingo, there'll be Nobel Prizes in it for us.
03:25Can I be Boutros Boutros, mate?
03:27Yes.
03:27Can I be Banky Hammer?
03:29What?
03:29A Banky?
03:30Yeah.
03:31I'm going to go for a knighthood.
03:33Do it. Why not?
03:34Beat David Beckham today.
03:35I don't get down well.
03:37Unfortunately, having agreed that we would end world hunger by moving fish across Mozambique, we couldn't agree on how this might be achieved.
03:48So we ended up with different solutions.
03:50This is what I came up with, a 1984 Mercedes wagon. A car famous throughout Africa for its rugged dependability.
04:03However, I have modified it extensively. In the back, filling up all of the back, is a Perspex tank. What I'm going to do is fill that with seawater, and then put the fishes in there, and they will stay alive as I make my way inland.
04:20Now, you can't get fish fresher than fishes that are still swimming around in the sea. I have been clever. Very clever.
04:29Not as clever as me, because for the first time in my entire life, I've made a sensible decision. I've gone for this.
04:38It's a pick-up truck that Nissan named after me. It's called the Hardbody.
04:45It's got tons of space in the back for cod and bream and sticklebacks.
04:51And it has four-wheel drive, which I reckon is going to be essential, because, and James hasn't realised this, it's the rainy season in Mozambique, so I reckon the roads are going to be hell.
05:08Hammond, meanwhile, hadn't been clever at all.
05:11What do you think of that?
05:13Well, I think it's a motorcycle.
05:20Yes, it is. Specifically, it's a TVS Star HLX E5, and I've just bought this, brand new, from a supermarket, for 800 quid. Brand spankers.
05:30Hammond, this is not a quality item.
05:32Well, no, it's built down to a budget, isn't it? You can feel that.
05:35Is it 1,000 cc?
05:36No, 100.
05:37What?
05:38100 cc.
05:39How many cylinders? Four?
05:40One.
05:41One?
05:42One. That one.
05:43So, how much horsepower's it got?
05:45Seven.
05:46Seven?
05:46Seven.
05:47But it's light, it's agile. These things are actually built in India, specifically to be used in Africa.
05:54They are. They're built in India, specifically to be used in Africa.
05:56It's too poor to be used in India.
05:58I can see why the Indians don't want it.
06:00It's rugged, it's tough, it can go off-road if we need to. It can do anything.
06:04Yeah, but what it can't do, Hammond, is transport a large amount of fish.
06:09Exactly what I was thinking. If I wanted a pizza delivery, this is the sort of thing, a motorcycle.
06:13If I thought about this, let me explain my idea. This is my genius. What they do here, right, they dry the fish in the wind, like that, because it lasts longer.
06:21Is that fish?
06:21That's fish drying in the wind, so what I'm going to do is build...
06:23That looks like cats.
06:24No, it's fish. I'm going to build a rack like that, fit it to the back of a bike, and then I'll dry the fish as I go along. It's brilliant.
06:31That is literally the stupidest idea I've ever heard of.
06:34Well, what are you going to do, sling your fish in the back of your pickup and watch them rot?
06:37Ah, no. Actually, I have a plan on that, but I do need your help.
06:50Jeremy's plan was to break into a hotel in the dead of night and do a burglary.
06:55You're not going to... You're going to have to tilt it. You're going to have to tilt it.
07:04Ow, ow.
07:06Right, right, right.
07:07Ow!
07:09Ow!
07:11Oh, shh.
07:13There.
07:16Why are they so heavy?
07:18Shh.
07:19Why are they?
07:19There's a lot of gubbins in it.
07:21The next morning, we all met up on the beach, and I set about fitting the hotel's ice machine to my hard body.
07:35Right, so I need a bucket of water above the height of the stolen ice machine,
07:42from which the stolen ice machine can get the supply that it converted to ice.
07:50Oh, yeah.
07:51generator in place.
08:00Water tank in place.
08:03Meanwhile, Hammond was building his fish rack,
08:07and May was filling his macquarium with seawater.
08:13How much is your car going to weigh when it's full?
08:17An extra 700.
08:19Tons?
08:20No, kilograms.
08:22So it's at 0.7 of a ton?
08:24Yeah, an extra.
08:25Extra.
08:26And he's parked it?
08:27On sand.
08:28Wet sand.
08:29Wet sand.
08:30By the sea.
08:30The fish aren't heavy.
08:32The fish aren't heavy.
08:32The tire.
08:34Look at the tire.
08:35Yeah.
08:36The tide is definitely coming in.
08:41With the Indian Ocean nibbling at his back end, James's tank was eventually full.
08:47Right, I need to get this going as quick as possible.
08:49Are you lot out of the way?
08:55He's not going to do it.
08:57I need a tow.
09:03Toes.
09:03Try.
09:03It won't do it.
09:07It won't do it.
09:21It's only got 104 horsepower.
09:23Get the truck.
09:24Get your 4x4, please, and tow me the first 20 yards.
09:29That's what you've got it for.
09:30Get it in front.
09:32He's really shouting at me.
09:33I don't respond well to shouting.
09:35I like calmness.
09:37Can you help?
09:38Yep.
09:39What's the matter?
09:40I want a tow.
09:41You've got a 4x4.
09:42Put it there.
09:43Just tow me a bit.
09:44I helped you nick the ice baking machine.
09:46Do something in return.
09:47You wet yourself.
09:48You're still not doing it.
09:51Yeah.
09:54This is me saving James, mate.
09:58It's not ideal, but...
10:01Jeremy, he's ready.
10:07Keep going.
10:12What is that noise?
10:17That's my gearbox.
10:22No, no, stop!
10:23Oh, you pillock.
10:32Hammond, there's a really bad noise.
10:36Yeah.
10:36I dropped him right where the sewage is.
10:38Okay.
10:39There's a terrible noise coming from the bottom of my gear lever
10:42while it's under load pulling him.
10:44Right.
10:44What is that?
10:45Uh, that clicking metallic.
10:47Yeah, could you hear it?
10:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:49Don't know.
10:50Honestly, don't know.
10:51Thank you, but...
10:53What?
10:53You were supposed to do it gently.
10:55That's what I was shouting gently.
10:55My car is broken.
10:57Mine's not, fortunately.
10:59How did that happen?
11:00You did it.
11:00You might have hold his radiator.
11:02We haven't had a look yet.
11:03When I said stop, you accelerated.
11:05Yeah, that did happen.
11:06The noise of my disintegrating gearbox was drowning you out.
11:10I didn't know your gearbox was disintegrating.
11:12It is now.
11:13Radiator and fan are okay.
11:14I knew they were.
11:15I judged it to perfection.
11:16Of course you did.
11:18Once we'd replaced the water James was now wearing,
11:22we were ready to go and catch some fish
11:25using local methods that we didn't really understand.
11:31So far as we could tell,
11:33we had to put James in the sea with one end of a rope,
11:36and then Hammond and I had to row about,
11:39dropping off a net as we went.
11:41And pull.
11:42And pull.
11:43Oh!
11:46Jesus Christ!
11:48It was a brilliant accident.
11:49Row the boat, you idle sods.
11:52Hold on, James.
11:52We'll be...
11:53This is how they do it here.
11:56No, that's the wrong way.
11:57We're going to go the other way.
11:57Oh, shit, I'm on the wrong side.
11:59I don't know if I use that.
12:00Turn it.
12:00Oh, f***ing hell.
12:02As Hammond and I were struggling to get into a rhythm...
12:05Oh, no, hang up. Hang up.
12:07No, you've got it.
12:07The oars come out.
12:08And, as it turned out, the Indian Ocean wasn't that deep.
12:16Where has all the sea gone?
12:18We decided to push the boat instead.
12:21Any minute now, we're going to start fishing.
12:24Right, I think this might actually be working.
12:27If they can just get themselves back to here.
12:29We've got two ends of a net.
12:31Pull it in, full of fish.
12:32Arrgh!
12:36Shit!
12:37I've caught myself in the net!
12:39Going back to work, is this?
12:41After this calamity...
12:42Dammit, get it!
12:43I can't get it!
12:44Get it!
12:45I can't get it!
12:45We decided that we'd be better off in the boat after all.
12:51And soon, we'd worked our way back to James.
12:54God!
12:55Come on!
12:56We're coming!
12:58Right, anchor.
12:59Right, dropping anchor.
13:00What we do is we pull it in.
13:03And then, as the net comes towards us...
13:06It fills up with fish.
13:07So, is that the other end of it?
13:09This is my end.
13:09This is the beginning end.
13:10Where's the other end?
13:11At the back of your boat.
13:13Now, this is the other end, isn't it?
13:15Hold on.
13:15No, wait.
13:15This is the other end.
13:17Yeah.
13:17Yeah, but that's also the other end.
13:19This is the other end.
13:22Once we'd established that somehow our rope had three ends,
13:25we began hauling in the net.
13:27Behold the sparkling treasure of the seas.
13:33What we've achieved.
13:35Not only solving world hunger, but mastering fishing in a single day.
13:41You ever seen Bono do this?
13:43No.
13:43Angelina Jolie?
13:45No.
13:45Both of them well-respected for their charitable work.
13:49I haven't seen them in the sea hauling nets.
13:51Or David Beckham.
13:55Eventually, our catch was on board.
14:00We've got eight plus one that got out in the boat.
14:04And to make matters worse...
14:06There's a big squall coming.
14:10Yeah, I can see it.
14:11That'll do it.
14:13Oh, it's quite hairy in here, then.
14:16Oh, God.
14:26We're all on board.
14:28We can't row in this.
14:30No.
14:31If we lift up the anchor, the wind will blow us onto the shore.
14:36Oh, that's good.
14:37Or we might just miss it and end up in Madagascar.
14:41Or Somalia.
14:43Yeah, there.
14:43What's Madagascar like?
14:45Better than Somalia.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Faced with the prospect of being kidnapped by pirates,
14:52we bravely decided to abandon the boat we'd borrowed
14:56and the fish we'd caught
14:57and hitch a ride back to the harbour with the film crew.
15:02Oh, bonnet!
15:09The next day, though, things started to look up.
15:13Right, we went off fishing this morning
15:14before the camera crews were up
15:16and we've had a much more successful morning.
15:19Much more.
15:20Oh, we did.
15:20This is the result.
15:21I caught the Dorado by hand, in fact.
15:24That was quite a wrestling match.
15:25I remember watching that.
15:26I was hauling these in at the time.
15:27All of them.
15:28Yeah, exactly.
15:29Anyway, we've got a lot of fish
15:30that we caught ourselves without the crew early this morning.
15:33And now it was time to load them
15:37into our fish transportation vehicles.
15:41That is an octopus look.
15:44You can see its face.
15:46The surprise from when James wrestled it.
15:49Look at that.
15:50With a cheese sauce.
15:51Got a thermidor going on right there.
15:53And they will be kept succulent and fresh
15:56for the journey to bingo.
15:58Right, come on, matey.
16:00In the big tank.
16:01You'll like it with your mates.
16:04Hey, look at that.
16:07Sorry, mate.
16:10Sorry.
16:12Sorry.
16:13Oh, he's sandy.
16:14Oh, bollocks.
16:16Don't rinse him off.
16:17There you go.
16:19He's okay.
16:22So it goes in its mouth and then out of its anus?
16:24No, it'll go in its mouth and then, I imagine, out of its gill.
16:28Oh, my, out of its...
16:29No, it goes through its anus, then it goes through its whole body.
16:32No, it goes through the gill.
16:32You don't thread it all the way through the fish.
16:34If I were to dry you...
16:36Oh, can somebody come and open the lid?
16:37No, I'm busy with him.
16:38Open the lid.
16:42Oh, yeah.
16:45Admire.
16:46Now what do you do?
16:48Hang it on here.
16:51Eventually, the loading and the hanging
16:53were complete, and we were ready.
16:58Okay, it's time now, and nobody's ever said this on a car show before.
17:03Save the world.
17:16There you go.
17:18Right, forward into saving the world.
17:20This is it.
17:21Oh, my God.
17:23Oh.
17:24Oh.
17:27Stupid.
17:27What the hell is...
17:29Oh, Lord above.
17:31What is...
17:31What manner of thing is happening here?
17:34Still, could be worse.
17:37Oh, it's steering me.
17:38I'm not steering it.
17:39It is steering me.
17:41Oh.
17:41Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great you...
17:45Oh.
17:46Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great...
17:48It is with great pride and humility that I accept this award for good...
17:57Oh.
17:57Oh, tarmac.
18:02That's better.
18:09Our mercy mission would take us through the city of Maputo...
18:13And then 200 miles north to the tiny village of Bingo.
18:18The great thing about this particular vehicle is that it has a 3.2-litre, four-cylinder diesel engine.
18:27That's a great deal of power.
18:29It'll get me there quickly.
18:30This is what Angelina and Bob Geldof and Mono don't realise.
18:36It's all very well singing songs and adopting children.
18:40What you actually need is a big, powerful engine.
18:43And that's what I've got in my hard body.
18:49Everybody I pass, you can see the light dawning in their eyes.
18:52Why didn't we think of that?
18:54Every morning in future, there'll be a fleet of fishing boats coming into shore here.
18:59And a fleet of these bikes waiting to collect the fish and transport it inland.
19:04And it's what?
19:06200 miles.
19:08I reckon, on a bike, a good rider could get in two or even three fish trips a day.
19:17See, brilliant, isn't it?
19:19Yeah, it's a brilliant idea.
19:21You're going to want to do it.
19:23It's a great business.
19:24Yeah, you see.
19:26Oh, this is like Lion's Den, Dragon's Den.
19:28Whatever, the den.
19:29That's show with Alan Sugar on.
19:33Temperatures and pressures are okay.
19:35The tank is full of water.
19:37I'm going to have a quick look at my fish.
19:38Yes, there's one.
19:38He's looking pretty happy.
19:40Why wouldn't he be?
19:41He's in the sea.
19:42He doesn't know he's in a car.
19:44Fish are not, you know, they don't have a big intellect.
19:47Well, we're taking a leaning bus of pizza.
19:57So, here we are.
19:58We've done 40 miles already.
20:00We're on a velvet smooth, almost Austrian road.
20:05Heading towards Bingo.
20:06We should be there in a couple of hours.
20:08Easiest thing I've ever done.
20:10Easiest.
20:12In fact, since things were going so smoothly,
20:14I decided to amuse myself.
20:17Ready, steady, and brake testing, James May.
20:26No.
20:29You're not helping with the transport of live fish.
20:32This is supposed to be a group effort.
20:34Don't be such a petulant child.
20:36Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
20:38Nothing I can do.
20:39A few miles further on, though,
20:51the smooth tarmac ran out.
20:54And because Hammond had rejected my anus suggestion
20:57and used gills instead,
20:59it caused him some problems.
21:04Hammond, you've just lost 90% of your fish.
21:07Oh, no, did I?
21:11Oh, he's lost another one.
21:14I've just run over a fish.
21:16Should I worry?
21:17Oh, mate, you're going to be running over more than one.
21:19Hammond is losing them at a rate of knots.
21:24Two more just went there, Hammond.
21:26Oh, God.
21:28And another one.
21:30He's going to have.
21:31And another one.
21:32No fish at all.
21:33And another.
21:34This fish delivery was supposed to be targeted.
21:37What you're doing is carpet bombing Mozambique with bream.
21:41It's the principle I'm proving.
21:43I'm not trying to feed them all in one go.
21:45I'm trying to show them how to feed themselves.
21:48What a blithering idiot.
21:53The inside of the windscreen is filthy
21:54because of the dollops of seawater hitting it.
21:58I'm delighted to say it's now spitting with rain,
22:18which, of course, is filling up my water bucket.
22:22That's the sort of recycling
22:23that will leave Prince Charles breathless.
22:26When I go for my knighthood,
22:28he'll probably bring it up, I should imagine.
22:32What do you mean to the idea of the recycling?
22:36It's a bit of millions.
22:39Oh, God!
22:41Oh!
22:43Sorry.
22:43I wouldn't dry them if they're going to soak them.
22:45Sorry.
22:46Sorry, Hamo.
22:50Did some of that go on you?
22:52What's the point of me drying fish
22:53if you then get them wet in a puddle?
22:57It was still another 150 miles to bingo.
23:02But we were confident that even on these roads,
23:06we'd get there by nightfall.
23:11Soon, though, the going started to get much worse.
23:16Not so good.
23:17Steady, steady.
23:22Shit!
23:23Oh, that's a massive rut.
23:24Oh, no!
23:31Oh, f***!
23:32Come on!
23:42Hammond cannot possibly make this.
23:45Oh, no, not again.
23:47It's getting quite struggly now for him.
23:49But actually, it was the ruggedly dependable Mercedes
23:55that was the first to crack.
24:01God, that was going well.
24:03What's the matter to me?
24:05It cut out when I went through the puddle.
24:07There'll be water on something or in something.
24:11Trying to work out what I can do about that.
24:13Nothing.
24:18However, because we were all working as a team,
24:21we had to wait until his engine dried out.
24:26All right, let's go.
24:28Sadly, though, this wasn't a one-off.
24:35Hang on a minute.
24:36It's killed it.
24:36But give it a minute, it'll go.
24:38What's the news, slowly?
24:47Is your car working or not?
24:50I've got to do my wait for a minute and a half.
24:58Why did you have to break down there,
24:59you clod-hopping old imbecile?
25:02No, there's nothing I can do.
25:03Sorry, I have to wait for a minute and a half.
25:08How have I put up with him for so long?
25:12The slow progress of the Mercedes
25:14was now causing me problems
25:16because the skies were dry
25:18and my water bucket was nearly empty.
25:23He keeps breaking down in front of me
25:25and then going, it's a minute and a half,
25:27you have to wait.
25:28And it isn't a minute and a half,
25:29it's about 15 minutes.
25:31I must get ice.
25:32We can't afford to wait for him bumbling around.
25:35No, you do need more ice.
25:36I know.
25:36You need more water.
25:37I know we said we'd work as a team
25:39and we are working as a team.
25:41And the teamwork is leaving him behind.
25:43Yep, as a team.
25:47With that decision made, we set off.
25:51Come on, little bike.
25:52Keep going, baby.
25:53Keep going.
25:55And mostly, the progress was good.
25:58Let's find out what lies in here for you.
26:13Come on.
26:14Oh, dearie me.
26:23I think you've drowned your hog.
26:26Hammond insisted I get out and help,
26:28but it was all muddy,
26:30so I came up with a better idea.
26:32Oh, dearie me.
26:36Oh.
26:38It's working.
26:40This is impressive delicacy from Clarence in here.
26:43I'm staggered.
26:45How gentle was that?
26:47You were extraordinarily gentle.
26:49You know that'll never work again.
26:51It will.
26:52It was 800 pounds from a supermarket.
26:55Yeah, the handlebars have come off.
26:56You're blowing water out of your exhaust pipe.
27:05No way.
27:08Oh, come on!
27:10Why did Ewan McGregor use a BMW GS?
27:14I don't know. They're very expensive.
27:16Wasted his money.
27:19Staggered.
27:21Meanwhile, much further back,
27:23the soggy dog was not being so lucky.
27:35One and a half minutes.
27:39As the afternoon wore on,
27:42the roads became even worse.
27:49Come on!
27:50And the human terrapin
27:52was really starting to slow me down.
27:58Right, my bucket is now officially dry.
28:01I have got to get to a source of fresh, clean water
28:04before that ice melts.
28:08Come on.
28:10Holy shit!
28:11I am now in the sea.
28:13Hammond,
28:14we've got to get to the next town.
28:15Can we stop messing about?
28:17I'm not messing about!
28:18You are?
28:19I'm not messing about!
28:20There are no words!
28:27Let's come out and get him on.
28:29Come on, Hammond.
28:30We're running out of ice.
28:33Oh, bollocks!
28:34Oh, that's a tragic spectacle.
28:39It really is.
28:43It's just...
28:44I don't even like fish!
28:49Eventually, I had no choice
28:51but to abandon my remaining colleague.
28:55I don't even know how far away the next town is.
28:59But I have got to get there
29:01before the last of the ice melts.
29:04I've got to get some water.
29:07And it's going dark.
29:09Anyone can sing Feed the World.
29:11It's actually quite difficult, though,
29:13as it's turning out, to do it.
29:15Especially if you have a motorcycle
29:16or a Mercedes
29:17that you've converted into an aquarium.
29:24Come on, keep going.
29:26Keep going, German.
29:28That's marvellous.
29:32Bugger!
29:34Bollocks and arse.
29:37However, after total darkness fell,
29:41solid teamwork meant I was in good shape.
29:46Right, on the upside, I've found a town,
29:52well, some kind of settlement,
29:53where I've got water and I've got ice,
29:55so the fish are fine.
29:57On the downside,
29:59I've just found out I'm not even halfway to bingo.
30:02It's the middle of the night
30:03and Hammond and may are hours,
30:06three, four hours behind me.
30:09So do I wait for them?
30:13Oh, dear.
30:19Right.
30:21Calm.
30:29Bollocks!
30:30Amazingly, the morning revealed that Jeremy had waited for us,
30:52so our convoy was reunited.
30:54But before we could set off,
30:56I had to repair my bike
30:58and James had to refill his depleted water tank.
31:02So, water is just water...
31:05No, don't do...
31:05Oh, God.
31:08What do you...
31:08I don't particularly want to see you,
31:09just to be absolutely clear.
31:11Why?
31:12Well, I got here at 4am,
31:14wet, with consumption,
31:16smelling like a damp dog,
31:17tried to sleep in the car,
31:19and what did I hear?
31:20No idea.
31:21Snoring.
31:22Your car, snoring.
31:24That bloody generator thing,
31:25it's like someone's snoring,
31:26but without the pauses in the breath.
31:28The generator is necessary to keep my fish fresh.
31:30Where's your water gone?
31:31On the head.
31:33Anyway, we've got to make more water.
31:34This is water.
31:34I was just about to explain that that is normal water,
31:37which we're all familiar with.
31:38You drink it.
31:38Sea water is salty.
31:40We all know that as well.
31:40I know, I brought you some salt.
31:41It's not that sort of salt.
31:42That doesn't work.
31:43No, it isn't.
31:43It's salt.
31:44That's table salt.
31:45Exactly.
31:46Sea salt has extra minerals in it.
31:47That doesn't...
31:48That's been refined.
31:49This is sea salt.
31:51So we have to work out...
31:52I'll show you.
31:53Normal water.
31:55Needle at the bottom.
31:56OK?
31:56We have to mix enough salt to put the needle on there,
31:59right at the top of the scale.
32:00Yeah.
32:01OK?
32:01And I know that's 25 litres...
32:03Well, hold on.
32:03No, but if you're doing 25 litres at a time...
32:05I'm doing 25 litres to work out how much salt to put in.
32:09We're going to be here all morning.
32:10No, we're not.
32:11We are, because you've got to fill your entire tank up.
32:13So what do you think I should do?
32:14Why are you so angry with me?
32:15I've come to help.
32:16You haven't come to help.
32:17I haven't, man.
32:17I could have almost done it by now.
32:18You're just standing there being fatuous
32:20and bringing a thing of salt from a seaside cafe
32:22from the 1950s in Morecambe.
32:24Bugger off.
32:25Please.
32:27Get on with it.
32:28Go away.
32:32Right, so, we know that...
32:34Don't talk.
32:35Just get on with it.
32:35Having refilled my tank...
32:39That should be close enough for my fishy friends.
32:44Our convoy continued on its mercy mission to bingo.
32:48I've rigged up a rudimentary tarpaulin to try and reduce the splashing
32:56and give the fish a better chance.
32:59It does smell so rank in here, and I haven't even got the excuse of dead fish.
33:04I think I've got crocs rot from sitting in my own wet underpants for 16 hours yesterday.
33:09Is that an octopus on the back of your bike now?
33:17Yes.
33:18Where did you get that from?
33:20Found it in a pond.
33:22Hammond, have you emptied out the back of my pickup truck
33:25to reload your ridiculous drying system?
33:28No, I went fishing.
33:31Did you?
33:31It's a freshwater octopus.
33:33Mozambique freshwater octopus.
33:35They're quite famous but very rare.
33:37I hate him.
33:45Right, yesterday we covered 100 miles.
33:48Today, well, we've still got 100 miles to go.
33:53And none of it, from what I hear, is on tarmac.
33:58For me, that was a particularly terrifying prospect.
34:02Oh, no, red dust.
34:04Oh, God, here we go.
34:07It doesn't look like anything much,
34:11but this soft red sand sits on a very hard subsurface,
34:15and it is simply impossible to ride a biker.
34:19It just has no grip.
34:23Shit.
34:28Front end got away from me.
34:29There's only another 100 miles for this.
34:39Oh, for fuck's sake.
34:42I can't do it.
34:44You heard it, ladies and gentlemen.
34:47I can't do it.
34:48He's not bothered about world hunger or poverty.
34:52Just himself.
34:53After a while, though, Hammond decided to be brave,
35:04with hilarious consequences.
35:06Come on, stop it.
35:08Oh, fuck.
35:09Oh, fuck.
35:10Oh, fuck.
35:11Oh, fuck.
35:11Oh, shit.
35:15Oh, here we go again.
35:17Yep.
35:17No, yep.
35:18Good boys.
35:20Do you know, James,
35:21it's actually possible to get bored
35:23with watching Hammond fall off a motorcycle.
35:27Oh, fuck.
35:28Ow, bollocks.
35:29So, let's just add up
35:32the amount of times I've fallen off
35:34my Datsun hard body.
35:39Yep, none.
35:41Because it's got four wheels.
35:44Meanwhile, the drier roads
35:46meant my Mercedes was working well, too.
35:49Temperature stays spot on.
35:51Oil pressure goes up and down a bit,
35:53but there is some.
35:55Clock is still right.
35:56It's 25 past one.
35:57This car is running
35:59as sweet as a nut.
36:05Electrical fire.
36:11Whoa, something's badly on fire
36:13on the right-hand side of this car.
36:15I can't understand
36:16how in a car made
36:17almost entirely from water
36:19he's on fire.
36:20Well, that's the weird thing.
36:21Water with electrics causes fires.
36:24That's why you have
36:24a different type of fire extinguisher
36:25for electrical fires.
36:27He's even managing
36:29to make a car fire boring.
36:33It's electric.
36:34I can smell it.
36:37Keen to do my bit
36:38for health and safety,
36:40I asked one of our camera team
36:41to modify James' fish tank
36:43so that if another fire broke out,
36:46there'd be plenty of water available
36:47to put it out.
36:48Please don't move out.
36:52Oh, f***.
36:53Here we go.
36:54Nope.
36:54Held it.
36:56Several miles back,
36:57my life was as miserable as ever.
37:01Oh, God, it's the waiting
37:02that kills you.
37:02I'm just waiting for you
37:03to let go.
37:07This is like being told,
37:09yeah, you're going to get
37:09the electric chair.
37:10We'll put you in it
37:11and just leave you in it.
37:12And then, I don't know,
37:13sometime, probably in the next hour
37:15or the next week
37:17we'll click the switch.
37:21Oh, bullocks!
37:45Sod them!
37:52Fire taken care of,
37:54I was now back on the move.
37:57All right, fellas.
37:59I'm sort of assuming
38:00the fish are boys,
38:01but some of them must be girls.
38:03Do you get girl and boy fishies?
38:05You must do.
38:07He needs to watch
38:08where he's going, that boy.
38:15Meanwhile, up ahead
38:23in the hard body,
38:26I'd run into a spot of bother.
38:36What's up?
38:37Ice machine's broken.
38:40How does sawing your bonnet up
38:42mend your ice machine?
38:43I've had a brilliant idea
38:44and I'm glad you're here,
38:45actually, because you can
38:45give me a hand.
38:47No, seriously, James.
38:48James, most of our fish
38:50are in the...
38:51The good fish are in here.
38:5990% of our fish
39:01are in the back of my pickup truck
39:02and he's just driven off.
39:11Oh, there's Hammond.
39:12Hello.
39:13Hello.
39:15Behold, my genius.
39:16Yeah, fascinating.
39:21Well, there we are.
39:22He's just done 100 yards
39:24without falling off.
39:28Eventually, my new fish preservation solution
39:31was up and running.
39:32What I've done is I've rerouted the exhaust
39:40through the bonnet over the cab
39:41into the load area
39:42where the fish are,
39:44which is now covered with a tonneau cover.
39:48And then I've adjusted the fueling on the engine,
39:50so now it's producing thick, lumpy black smoke,
39:54which, of course, is smoking the fish.
39:57And that's good for the environment
39:58because normally you have to have a smokery, a factory,
40:03and then you have to transport the fish to wherever it is they're going.
40:07Well, what I'm doing here
40:09is I'm making kippers as I drive along.
40:13Coal-rolled kippers.
40:17You'd buy those.
40:18I know I would.
40:21Further ahead,
40:22Bono and Angelina
40:23were discussing the distance left to cover.
40:26By my very rough reckoning,
40:28because my speedo and my mile-ometer aren't working,
40:31I think we've got about
40:32somewhere between 70 and 80 kilometres to go to bingo.
40:36Why do they have to live so bloody far away?
40:39Any fish left?
40:41Yes, I have two.
40:43But I think it's better to arrive with two fish
40:46than not to arrive with ten.
40:48That's a parable.
40:49Yeah, it sounds positively biblical, I think.
40:53Oh, I don't like the look of this.
40:58Oh, bollocks!
41:03Jeez, that's a big one.
41:14What is this stuff?
41:17Oh, hello.
41:19The colleagues.
41:20Is that you, Clarkson?
41:23Sure is.
41:29Move your bloody car, mate.
41:32What a muppet.
41:33He's got a four-wheel-drive pickup truck.
41:35What are those bits of scaffolding coming out of your volleys for?
41:40I'm making kippers, or I would be if you hadn't to block the way.
41:44You say making kippers?
41:46They look like the handrails out of a disabled shower from back here.
41:48What are they?
41:49They're exhaust pipes.
41:51What?
41:52Ice machine broke.
41:53I'm now turning them into smoke fish.
41:56This is a kipper factory.
41:58Hang on.
41:58You're smoking them in diesel smoke?
42:00Yes.
42:02Eh?
42:03Well, we just smoke.
42:04Why do you think that's never been done before?
42:06Nobody's thought of it.
42:07No, because it's vile.
42:09Well, what?
42:10You eat wood smoke?
42:11That's disgusting.
42:12You don't hear a bonfire.
42:13You think oak-smoked fish is the same as diesel-smoked fish?
42:16It's coal-rolled kippers.
42:18It's under there now smoking in your view.
42:19No, because I turned the engine off.
42:21This interesting discussion was not helping the people of Bingo,
42:24so we knuckled down to the business of getting through the mud.
42:30I'm going to go behind the trees, because I'm narrow, so I can.
42:34Oh!
42:35That's a thorn tree!
42:37No!
42:38Oh, Christ!
42:41Get off!
42:43Meanwhile, May made me give him a tow.
42:47Right, James May, are you ready?
42:50Go!
42:57Yes!
43:01I'll keep going, keep going.
43:05Hang on, I'm stuck here.
43:06I've bottomed out.
43:08And that's pretty much all I did for the rest of the day.
43:13So close!
43:18Here we go again to tow it out.
43:25Listen to that CV joint.
43:29Damn him and his stupid aquarium, which weighs 1,800 tons.
43:34That's the most stuck it's ever been.
43:45Oh, for Christ's sake.
43:48Luckily, Ewan McHammond was always on hand to provide some comic relief.
43:53Ah-ha, I can go at the middle, you see?
43:56Ah-ha, I can go at the middle, you see?
43:59Ah-ha!
44:00You do realise, it's entirely possible that we won't end up in bingo even today.
44:13Ah!
44:13I'll pass three, and we have done, since we set off at 7 o'clock this morning, 52 miles.
44:25That meant there was another 50 miles to go.
44:29Fortunately, however, there was no more mud.
44:32Unfortunately, it was replaced by this.
44:39The wettest road I'd ever seen.
44:46Oh, my word, this is a deep one.
44:51Diffs locked, low range.
45:00Oh, wow.
45:02There's water, a lot of water has come in.
45:10I am up to my anus now, in water.
45:17As Jeremy waded through the lake,
45:20I found a narrow path round the edge.
45:24Ha-ha-ha!
45:25Got Trevor Hammond's done.
45:27What an incredible machine this is.
45:33Look at this, Hammond.
45:39Oh!
45:39Oh!
45:41Oh!
45:42You've got all water in it, mate.
45:43Yes, exactly.
45:44It's come up above the level of my doors.
45:46Have you checked for fish?
45:49Look.
45:49Well, I mean...
45:50Don't be stupid.
45:51No, given what we're doing...
45:53With two of us safely across,
45:55all eyes were now on the hopeless Macquarium.
45:59James, it is extremely deep.
46:02Yeah, that's okay.
46:03I'll do just a gentle bow wave like they do at off-road school.
46:09Here he comes.
46:14There you go.
46:15Oh, shit.
46:22Shit.
46:26Help!
46:27Oh, your fish are going to escape.
46:29Oh, bonkers.
46:29James, don't let the fresh water get in your salt water.
46:33I don't give a toss about that.
46:34Come and get me.
46:35I have rescued you one million times.
46:38I'm not telling that damn thing anymore.
46:41You are breaking the CV joints in my hard body.
46:45Having finally got fed up with him,
46:48Hammond and I decided to get radical.
46:54So that night, as James slept,
46:57we modified his car slightly.
47:15This made James very unpleased.
47:26You bastards!
47:27Listen, I am prepared to tow your boot full of water.
47:39That's important.
47:41I'm not going to tow a dead engine that's full of water as well.
47:44That's just a waste of fuel.
47:46Rubbish.
47:46It wasn't dead.
47:47I could have mended that once we dragged it out.
47:49It's a signition.
47:50I've done it five times already.
47:52You complete moron.
47:54I hope you get Bill Hartzier of the ball sack.
47:57Right, that's it.
47:58He's asked for it.
48:04Funny.
48:05Very funny.
48:09Funny man.
48:12I think you're following in too close.
48:15Why don't you sod off?
48:17Has it affected the handling?
48:27What was that?
48:31Fearful that James was about to catch cancer from my coal rolling,
48:39I invited him to enter my hard body.
48:42And was he grateful?
48:46No.
48:49The ride in this thing is appalling.
48:52Why is it so bad?
48:54So if an ambulance came to rescue you,
48:56would you complain about the quality of the ambulance?
48:59No.
49:00Why are you complaining about everything I've done for you?
49:03Because you're rescuing me from effective injury that you inflicted.
49:06I'd still complain about the man who mugged me if he then said,
49:09Oh, I'll go on, mate.
49:10I'd still complain.
49:10Let's be brutally honest, shall we?
49:14Your car's been a terrible nuisance all the way along.
49:17Not to me.
49:18It has to me because I've had to wait for it for days.
49:21You're so noble, I won't forget to mention you in my speech.
49:25You're not going to go.
49:26You're not getting a Nobel Prize.
49:28Why not?
49:28Because you're only three quarters of a car.
49:31You don't get the price for how much car you bring.
49:34You get the price for bringing the fish.
49:37Don't forget you're towing my fish, i.e. the fish that are still edible.
49:42Mine are edible.
49:42No, they're not.
49:43They are.
49:44They're just...
49:44I'm not going to show you they're not.
49:46It was a shame about James' bad mood because we were on the verge of success.
49:53Come on.
49:55Sure, our plan to feed the world had been beset on all sides by much discomfort.
50:00And many setbacks.
50:05We've got eight plus one that got out in the boat.
50:08I am up to my anus now in water.
50:12Oh, God.
50:14There'd been some terrible smells too.
50:17Oh.
50:18Ow.
50:19And several accidents.
50:23Some of which were quite funny.
50:27Oh, look.
50:28Oh.
50:30But despite everything, we were now just a few miles from bingo.
50:37I think if we're going to be sensible,
50:40what we should have done is had a pickup truck with an aquarium in the back.
50:45We sort of have now.
50:50That motorcycle has been remarkable.
50:53It's 800 quid from a supermarket.
50:55Yeah.
50:56I know Hammond's been obsessing about how he doesn't look like Ewan McGregor
51:00in the long way down.
51:01But to me, he does.
51:03Because it's a motorcycle and they're all exactly the same, in my mind.
51:06We could make a film of all of his crashes and call it Wrong Way Up.
51:09I've got to tell you one thing.
51:15You know, normally, people from television or film or whatever come out to Africa to do charitable work.
51:21They're photographed by Hello magazine, and then it's back to the hotel, Chateauneuf-du-Pape, fly home to get the OBE.
51:30Right.
51:31They don't actually do what we've done, do they?
51:33No, I don't think so.
51:34I don't...
51:35I've never seen Victoria Beckham trying to pull half a Mercedes across Mozambique.
51:50Bingo!
51:53There it is.
51:54Our quest is at an end.
51:56Sir Jeremy and the Nobel award-winning James May and Richard Hannon are arriving.
52:05Hello.
52:06Have we got good news for you guys?
52:10Aware that our fish may cause a stampede, we found a spot with enough space to accommodate the crowds.
52:18Are you ready?
52:19This will get them running over here.
52:21You watch.
52:22Oh, look at that.
52:28Hundreds and hundreds of delicious fishes.
52:32Diesel-infused kippers.
52:36James, however, was not so happy about the condition of his fish.
52:42And for some reason, he blamed me.
52:45All that messing around and dragging around, you killed them.
52:48Those were all alive this morning.
52:50All of them are dead.
52:52How do you know all of them are?
52:53Because they're floating.
52:54That's what fish do.
52:55I've kept those alive for three days, you muppet.
52:57I mean, it doesn't matter because they're still fresh.
52:59Because you did this, you dragged it along, bouncing it around too much and not thinking about the fish.
53:03And you finished them off.
53:06This, though, was no time to get bogged down with who'd killed James' fish because it was him.
53:11So we got on with the job of setting up our stalls.
53:15Is that straight?
53:17No.
53:18And eventually, we were ready for the crowds to descend.
53:21Customer, customer.
53:42Customer.
53:42Customer.
53:42Nobody's interested.
53:57So we moved on to the next phase of our plan.
54:02It's the man from Hello! magazine getting these shots.
54:04Is there?
54:05Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
54:06Give him a pen.
54:08Concerned, concerned.
54:09Can you see a concerned face?
54:11Yeah.
54:12Can you make sure you get plenty of local people in the background?
54:19It's obvious I'm in Africa.
54:22And then, with not a single fish given away but the pictures taken, there was only one thing left to do.
54:30Chats, let's get the helicopter.
54:42Chats, let's get the helicopter.
55:12Chats, let's get the helicopter.
55:23Three, two, three, five, four, five, six, seven, eight.
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