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Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:29I put some dust on a girl.
00:01:35All that is to come.
00:01:37But we start with McLaren.
00:01:39They have replaced the 650 with a new car,
00:01:41which is faster around the corners
00:01:43and faster in a straight line.
00:01:45Plainly, then, the only one of us three
00:01:48qualified to drive such a thing
00:01:50is Richard, whoops, I've done it again, Hammond.
00:01:59While the outgoing car may have been great to drive,
00:02:03it was never what you'd call beautiful
00:02:05or even very exciting to look at.
00:02:08But its replacement, well, that's a different matter.
00:02:14It's called the 720S,
00:02:16and from any angle and in every detail,
00:02:19it's simply sensational.
00:02:25Right down to the engine bay
00:02:27that glows red when you unlock the doors.
00:02:34Yep, on the head turn-o-meter,
00:02:36this thing definitely matches
00:02:38the Ferrari 488 and the Lamborghini Huracan.
00:02:41And then, when we move on to the business of speed and power,
00:02:45it actually beats them.
00:02:470-60 takes just 2.8 seconds.
00:03:01Top speed is 212 miles an hour.
00:03:06Both those numbers walloping the efforts of the Italians.
00:03:09Everything is bigger in this car.
00:03:12Even the price, £208,000.
00:03:15Oh, wait.
00:03:16That's not a good point, is it?
00:03:17No, that's a...
00:03:18Never mind, whatever.
00:03:20The horsepower is...
00:03:22Well, it's ridiculous, is what it is.
00:03:24This 4-litre V8 with its twin turbos produces 710 of them.
00:03:31To put that into context,
00:03:32the actual mechanical engine in a McLaren P1
00:03:34without all the hybrid battery boost
00:03:37produces just 17 horsepower more.
00:03:41Net result of that is...
00:03:46Staggering!
00:03:47Oh, that is fast.
00:03:57However, although they've gone nuts with the styling and the engine,
00:04:02the 720 is still very much a McLaren.
00:04:06By that, I mean it's been made by the ultimate tech nerds
00:04:09from the kingdom of geeks.
00:04:12Let me put it this way.
00:04:13This is, like I say,
00:04:14the replacement for the McLaren 650S.
00:04:17And if you ask a McLaren technician,
00:04:19so how much of this car is new then,
00:04:21they will tell you 91%.
00:04:24Not nearly all of it, May,
00:04:26or about 90%.
00:04:2991%.
00:04:31James May applied for a job at McLaren,
00:04:33but they turned him down for being too slapdash.
00:04:38And this incredible geekery has paid dividends.
00:04:41For example, one of the reasons the 720 looks so pretty
00:04:47is because it's the only mid-engine supercar
00:04:50without massive gaping intakes behind the doors.
00:04:54Instead, McLaren created subtle channels along the bodywork
00:04:59to feed air into the engine bay.
00:05:03More nerd stuff.
00:05:04The old car, the 650, had a carbon fibre tub that came up to here.
00:05:09On the 720, all of this, all of that down the centre,
00:05:12everything, is carbon fibre.
00:05:14That means these carbon windscreen pillars can be very thin,
00:05:17which makes it easier to see out, and it's light.
00:05:21Overall, they've lost about 18 kilograms up here.
00:05:23That means the centre of gravity is lower, which is good.
00:05:27Then there's the computer-controlled suspension,
00:05:32which is even more advanced than the system on the P1.
00:05:36It makes the ride on this 700 horsepower,
00:05:40hardcore supercar as comfortable as a nice sit-down.
00:05:43The question is, what does all that comfortableness mean for the handling?
00:05:52Here we go. Track mode.
00:05:55Active.
00:05:59I like that. I do like that.
00:06:02Right. Well, carry on.
00:06:03Well, carry on.
00:06:12Oh, my God!
00:06:17This is breathtaking!
00:06:20The new chassis control system on this,
00:06:23based on the work of proper pointyheads in Cambridge.
00:06:27It's all about maintaining the biggest possible contact patch
00:06:30between the tyres and the tarmac.
00:06:34God! It's the grip! It's staggering!
00:06:37It feels like a four-wheel drive.
00:06:45But if you do want things to get a little more leery,
00:06:49simply dive into the computers
00:06:51and activate variable drift control.
00:06:53It lets you select the angle of dangle through your drift
00:06:56by varying the amount of traction control.
00:06:58I think we'll go for all of it.
00:07:01Lots of drift available.
00:07:10Yeah, maybe less than that, I think.
00:07:12I think we're gonna have 38%.
00:07:1538.5.
00:07:17This is a McLaren accuracy.
00:07:21And that seemed to do the trick.
00:07:22Yes!
00:07:24Yes!
00:07:26Yes!
00:07:28Yes!
00:07:30Working!
00:07:32That's it!
00:07:34I know my setting on a McLaren's variable drift control.
00:07:38That makes the beast!
00:07:39And when you've finished your slide-fest...
00:07:49You can switch back to comfort mode
00:07:55and settle down for a relaxing cruise.
00:07:58That's the thing that stands out about this car.
00:08:02It's everything in one.
00:08:04You want speed? You get speed.
00:08:06You want comfort? You get comfort.
00:08:08You want to lose tire rubber? Help yourself.
00:08:10You want boot space? There's plenty.
00:08:11There's plenty.
00:08:13But the thing I keep coming back to is those looks.
00:08:16Because, at last, McLaren's technical perfection
00:08:20has been clothed in a way that does justice
00:08:23to the fizzing brilliance underneath.
00:08:27God, I'm falling in love a bit here.
00:08:31Actually, no, I'll go further. I'm in love.
00:08:32This is utterly brilliant.
00:08:34APPLAUSE
00:08:48No, you are.
00:08:50Well, no, I drove that car.
00:08:52Not that one, but I drove a 720 a couple of weeks ago
00:08:55and I didn't love it.
00:08:57Are you just being obtuse because I did?
00:08:59No, no, honestly, I didn't like the brake pedal.
00:09:00What, was it the wrong shape? No.
00:09:03Wrong colour? No.
00:09:04Was it in the glove box? No.
00:09:05Was it, in fact, the brake? Was it the handbrake?
00:09:07No. Was it rounded in front of you?
00:09:09No, listen, the problem was it was like,
00:09:11imagine a volume knob on a stereo
00:09:13where the volume doesn't start till you get to six.
00:09:16So you said, push, and then it all happens.
00:09:18You wouldn't have noticed it on the track,
00:09:20but on the road, it was almost impossible to drive smoothly.
00:09:23It drove me mad, nearly as mad as the seat controls.
00:09:26What was wrong with those, then?
00:09:27Well, they were really complicated.
00:09:28I should explain, by the way,
00:09:31that this is a man who a couple of days ago
00:09:33summoned a woman from the other side of London
00:09:35to help him send a tweet.
00:09:37Yeah, he did. No.
00:09:39It was a complicated tweet.
00:09:41No, it wasn't complicated.
00:09:42Did you try the seat controls?
00:09:43Can I say, actually, yes, and I agree with you,
00:09:46there's no sense there.
00:09:47There's no sense at all that you can't recline
00:09:49and we can't make them do what you want.
00:09:50Anyway, let's forget the seat controls,
00:09:52let's forget the brake pedal,
00:09:53and let's find out how fast the 720 goes round the Ebola drone.
00:09:58With someone who can adjust the seat?
00:10:00Yes.
00:10:02Right, let's do this.
00:10:04And she's off.
00:10:06Short shifting away from the line to manage the traction
00:10:09and immediately onto the isn't.
00:10:11Total focus there.
00:10:14A deliberately wide line round the first corner.
00:10:18Working the tyres hard on this whole tricky track.
00:10:22Flying down to your name here.
00:10:24God, that thing sounds good.
00:10:27Ooh, getting a bit of a tyre squeal there.
00:10:31And then hammer down up the hill and back onto the isn't.
00:10:36This is so quick.
00:10:39Dabber brakes down the box to keep the fire lit.
00:10:43Now up to the slow and technical old lady's house.
00:10:47Avoiding any understeer there.
00:10:49Interesting she's got the car in track mode
00:10:51but the dash is in full screen.
00:10:52Clearly that's what proper drivers prefer.
00:10:56Even with the air brake up,
00:10:58clearly you need some managing under braking.
00:11:01Just the last corner to go now.
00:11:03Slices through there and across the line.
00:11:09That's good.
00:11:11That's fine.
00:11:13Right, let's see where it goes on the leaderboard.
00:11:16Here we go.
00:11:17Up it goes, quicker than a GT-R.
00:11:19Ooh.
00:11:20Oh.
00:11:21Now that's quite interesting, isn't it?
00:11:22Because what we've deduced from that is the car you love there, haven't you?
00:11:26Is no faster than the car it has replaced.
00:11:30Yeah, yeah. That is a bit weird.
00:11:32The only thing I can think of is the 650 was on Super Trofeo tyres,
00:11:36which is super sticky, wasn't it?
00:11:37And that 720 was on normal road tyres.
00:11:38Makes a difference.
00:11:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:11:40That is actually quite a good explanation.
00:11:42Yeah.
00:11:44Well, it's either that or it's no better.
00:11:46Anyway, shut up.
00:11:47Because now it's time for us to plant a sapling of chat on Conversation Street.
00:11:52And it is an unusual Conversation Street this week.
00:12:05Because it's the end of the year, we're doing our awards.
00:12:08Okay? Or as we call them, the Nigels.
00:12:10We start actually with, well, we're calling it the Nissan Duke Award for the worst car of the year.
00:12:20Nominations are the Mitsubishi Outlander Feb.
00:12:24Why is that on the list?
00:12:25Well, many, many reasons actually.
00:12:27Chief among which is the way it beeps as you're driving along for no reason.
00:12:31You just go along and it goes, beep.
00:12:33What? Nothing's happened, it's just beeping.
00:12:35Maybe it's just bored.
00:12:36I'd be bored if I was a Feb.
00:12:37But anyway, other nominations include the Mini Countryman and the Renault Cab Jar.
00:12:46And the winner is...
00:12:50It's the Nissan Juke!
00:12:51There you go!
00:12:56A deserved award.
00:12:57Oh, yeah, it is.
00:12:59The judges were particularly impressed with its consistent awfulness.
00:13:04It was awful when it was first launched seven years ago and it continues to be awful to this day.
00:13:10Well done.
00:13:11Do you know what that car is?
00:13:12It's a wacky vicar.
00:13:14It's the sort of vicar that you go, I've just been on my face and do you know who else was there?
00:13:19Jesus!
00:13:21That's what it is.
00:13:22Yeah, yeah.
00:13:23Next, it is the hard-ass-to-follow Nigel.
00:13:27This is given to the car with the worst-looking rear end.
00:13:30The nominations are the Honda Civic Type R.
00:13:35Oh, I like that.
00:13:36No, you're wrong.
00:13:37No, you are wrong.
00:13:38It's just a car they wouldn't stop designing.
00:13:40Stop putting bits off.
00:13:41Look how many spoilers they put out.
00:13:42One here, one here, one there, one there, one exhaust, two, three.
00:13:46It's a bit like your jacket.
00:13:47They just didn't know when to stop adding bits.
00:13:50Unnecessary, pointless, stupid things to it.
00:13:53Might be in with a shout.
00:13:56The next nomination is the Toyota CHR.
00:13:59A car styled by nine people who'd fallen out at a wedding.
00:14:03But the winner of the hard-ass-to-follow Nigel is...
00:14:08Ooh!
00:14:09It's the Land Rover Discovery!
00:14:12Look at that!
00:14:14I think the problem is the designer, Jerry McGovern,
00:14:17OK, we've got a picture of him here.
00:14:19And this is his dog.
00:14:24And this is where he lives.
00:14:27All makes sense.
00:14:28So it's only natural his car should look like that.
00:14:31It's just all hutched up.
00:14:33Now we have a special award.
00:14:35It goes to a car that you like, but you know you shouldn't
00:14:38because it would be a bit embarrassing.
00:14:40We're calling it the, uh,
00:14:42You Would But You Know You Shouldn't Award.
00:14:46Sarah Palin.
00:14:47Oh, yeah!
00:14:50It is the new, next year's one actually, Corvette ZR1.
00:14:56Oh, that is...
00:14:57But that...
00:15:01That fits the bill perfectly.
00:15:03Yeah.
00:15:04That is exactly right.
00:15:05Because you would buy one because, wow,
00:15:06and then the next morning you wake up and think,
00:15:07What have I done?
00:15:10We're moving on now to the Lack of Continuity Award.
00:15:13Nobody's going to beat me on that.
00:15:15Well, you were nominated for your mid-season haircut.
00:15:17That's true.
00:15:18But you were beaten by Richard Hammond.
00:15:20Hold on.
00:15:21Why was he beaten by me?
00:15:23Well...
00:15:25I would invite you all now to pay careful attention to,
00:15:28well, actually, a clip from the McLaren film that you saw earlier.
00:15:32This was an early edit, okay?
00:15:34See if you can spot something wrong here.
00:15:36On the head turn-o-meter, this thing definitely matches the Ferrari 488 and the Lamborghini Huracan.
00:15:42And then when we move on to the subject of power and speed, it actually beats them.
00:15:48APPLAUSE
00:15:51A deserving winner.
00:15:53You switched to a completely different car.
00:15:55Yeah.
00:15:56Which brings us on to the next award.
00:15:59Oh, no.
00:16:00Which, yes, you'll like this.
00:16:01It's for accidentally filling up the petrol tank of a supercar with water award.
00:16:07Oh, God.
00:16:09How, in the name of all that's holy, did you do that?
00:16:16Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
00:16:17It is.
00:16:18And it was running low on fuel at the track, and rather than take it off to a petrol station,
00:16:22which is miles away, I filled it from one of the jerry cans.
00:16:26Which was full of water?
00:16:27Yes.
00:16:28And you didn't notice?
00:16:29No.
00:16:30When did you notice?
00:16:31When the tea started tasting funny, I suppose.
00:16:34LAUGHTER
00:16:36It was when the engine sort of let go.
00:16:40LAUGHTER
00:16:41How many supercars have you destroyed this year, Hammond?
00:16:43LAUGHTER
00:16:44Two.
00:16:45Two?
00:16:46How many have you driven?
00:16:48Two.
00:16:49LAUGHTER
00:16:50Well, anyway, I'd like to present you with your Nigel...
00:16:54LAUGHTER
00:16:55..for appalling continuity.
00:16:57There you are.
00:17:00Thank you very much.
00:17:01APPLAUSE
00:17:03That concludes the awards and that concludes Conversation Street for this week.
00:17:08Moving on.
00:17:09After every single film we ever show on the Grand Tour,
00:17:13we always get a load of messages from people on social media,
00:17:16I say people, I mean teenagers,
00:17:18saying that they didn't like the film because it was too scripted,
00:17:21too faked and too set up.
00:17:23Yeah.
00:17:24I've got one of them here.
00:17:25It's from Monaroboy4541, who says,
00:17:30I hated that thing you did in Morocco because it was too scripted.
00:17:34Why can't you do stuff like you did in Portugal?
00:17:37Which I also hated because it was too set up.
00:17:39LAUGHTER
00:17:40Yeah, so we decided to make a completely unplanned film.
00:17:44No scouts going ahead to find locations,
00:17:47no pre-scripted exchanges between us,
00:17:49no set-up explosions.
00:17:51No.
00:17:52All we agreed on was that we should do whatever it was
00:17:55we were going to do in Croatia.
00:18:02We chose to meet in the town of Zdar,
00:18:05next to its famous sea organ.
00:18:07Not realising that this wave-powered machine
00:18:13makes a terribly annoying noise.
00:18:16But I ploughed on regardless.
00:18:20This is an Audi TT RS.
00:18:23Four-wheel drive, five-cylinder, turbocharged,
00:18:27two and a half litre engine.
00:18:290-60, three and a half seconds.
00:18:31Really, you can think of it as a Nissan GT-R
00:18:34in a Bauhaus baby grow suit.
00:18:37No, that's...
00:18:38Hang on.
00:18:40Sorry, I normally think...
00:18:43I normally think of this before I get here.
00:18:44Hang on, it's a...
00:18:45It's a GT-R...
00:18:48with a well-grewed scrotum.
00:18:50No, that's...
00:18:54Before I'd had a chance to come up with the right words,
00:18:58Richard Hammond arrived in an aerial nomad.
00:19:01This is an aerial nomad.
00:19:04I know, I've already said that in voiceover.
00:19:06Why didn't you bring a Porsche?
00:19:08You could have brought that Porsche...
00:19:10What is it?
00:19:11The new one?
00:19:12No, the one that was the Cogster.
00:19:13That is now the 971...
00:19:15The 718.
00:19:16Yes, that.
00:19:17Why didn't you bring that?
00:19:18Yes, because I brought this.
00:19:19Nobody's gonna say,
00:19:20so I buy an Audi or some scaffolding.
00:19:22I grant you, it's...
00:19:23No, because they're both...
00:19:25What?
00:19:26Cars.
00:19:27Are they the same price? No.
00:19:28Do they have the same performance? No.
00:19:29Are they for the same thing? No.
00:19:32As we argued about our mismatched cars,
00:19:35James arrived...
00:19:37In an even more mismatched Lada Reaver.
00:19:41Well, that's not gonna work, is it?
00:19:43I mean...
00:19:44This...
00:19:45Is...
00:19:46A Lada Reaver.
00:19:48We know, we've already said.
00:19:49I'm talking to the viewers.
00:19:51No, but they already know, don't they?
00:19:52I said it in voiceover.
00:19:53You haven't said voiceover yet.
00:19:55No, he has, he's done voiceover.
00:19:56I've done voiceover.
00:19:57He said mine in voiceover as well.
00:19:58This is whatever Jeremy said it was.
00:20:00And I paid just £800,
00:20:02which leaves me £1200,
00:20:04for the all-important modifications.
00:20:06And that is plenty.
00:20:07Eh?
00:20:08What modifications?
00:20:09The modifications to turn it into a fire engine.
00:20:11We're gonna turn them into fire engines.
00:20:13Who said anything about...
00:20:14I'm not.
00:20:15You've gotta turn your car into a fire engine
00:20:16using the money you haven't spent
00:20:17out of the budget on the car.
00:20:18I've spent £800...
00:20:19I've just borrowed that from Audi.
00:20:20Exactly, I made a phone call.
00:20:21Gonna borrow a Nomad.
00:20:22Well, if you don't turn it into a fire engine,
00:20:24you won't win the competition, will you?
00:20:25I'm not in the competition to turn it into!
00:20:27You are in the competition!
00:20:28James, we have tried time and again
00:20:30to think of a way
00:20:31that you could turn something into an amusing fire engine.
00:20:33It can't be done.
00:20:34The fire engine already exists.
00:20:35It's brilliant.
00:20:36Yes.
00:20:37It's already more compact than you'd expect,
00:20:38faster than you'd expect.
00:20:39It can fit the firemen in it and the water.
00:20:41And they work very well.
00:20:43Exactly.
00:20:44That's the challenge.
00:20:45You're only saying you're not gonna turn that into a fire engine
00:20:47because it's an air hostess car.
00:20:48It is not!
00:20:49Have you checked the boot to make sure the luggage hasn't moved
00:20:51during the journey?
00:20:52Then our unscripted film got even more unscripted.
00:20:56I'm a selfie.
00:20:58Well...
00:20:59OK.
00:21:00That's really up to you if it's a selfie.
00:21:02I mean...
00:21:03It's a bit awkward, though.
00:21:04If I do it, I'll get us all in.
00:21:05I'm better at this, OK?
00:21:06If I flip the screen, I can get everybody in.
00:21:07Could it maybe wait?
00:21:08Flip the screen.
00:21:10There you go.
00:21:11Real.
00:21:12Come on, let's do whatever we're doing.
00:21:14Doors to manual.
00:21:15Cross-check.
00:21:16OK.
00:21:17No air hostess jokes.
00:21:19Is that seat back upright?
00:21:20Where are we going?
00:21:21Well, let's just go.
00:21:23This is the point at which we set off.
00:21:25We always do that.
00:21:26Chat-chat-chat.
00:21:27There'll be a line of voice-over.
00:21:28OK.
00:21:29I'll put some voice-over in that says...
00:21:31Hang on.
00:21:32It'll say, since we weren't able to decide what we were doing,
00:21:35we all went in different directions.
00:21:36OK.
00:21:37If he'd thought about it in advance, Richard would have found a quarry in which he could test his action lifestyle nomad.
00:21:55But he hadn't.
00:21:56So?
00:21:57Yeah.
00:21:58We've...
00:21:59I don't feel I'm exploring the outer reaches of this car's potential in this traffic.
00:22:13Because I had sat-nav, I fared better.
00:22:19And found the perfect road to open the taps in this brilliant little TT.
00:22:25The engine in this car is an absolute masterpiece.
00:22:47You've got as near as makes no difference.
00:22:50400 horsepower.
00:22:56And then there's that sort of deep bass drum of talk all the time.
00:23:04Listen to the noise it makes.
00:23:05It sounds like...
00:23:09Sounds like...
00:23:14It sounds like...
00:23:17It's like...
00:23:19It sounds like a bear that's trodden on a plug.
00:23:21Plug?
00:23:22I don't know.
00:23:23A bear would go out, wouldn't it?
00:23:29Soon I'd got it worked out.
00:23:33Listen to that!
00:23:36It sounds like a happy hippopotamus.
00:23:38You'd imagine that putting this much power and this much torque...
00:23:49Hey, Jeremy, do you have to put your phone in flight mode when you drive one of those?
00:23:54Well, the builder appears to be here in his scaffolding.
00:23:57Anyway, as I...
00:23:58Checking round your feet makes sure there's nothing on the floor.
00:24:02As I was saying...
00:24:04You would imagine...
00:24:05Have you folded your tray table away, ready for when you start?
00:24:08You would imagine that putting this much power and this much torque in a TT would make it wayward and out of control.
00:24:16But no.
00:24:17Have you pointed out the lavatory?
00:24:19There's nothing for it. I'm gonna have to lose him. Get out of radio range.
00:24:24Right, Hammond. Goodbye. I'm losing you now.
00:24:29He probably thinks this is just a dude buggy with a number plane.
00:24:33There's no good on the road.
00:24:35I shall now prove that he's wrong.
00:24:39Charmed!
00:24:40Well, it looks like we've got ourselves an unscripted race here.
00:24:47Oh.
00:24:49Oh.
00:24:51Hang on a minute, wait.
00:24:53No.
00:24:55Well...
00:24:57Where's the road gone?
00:24:59If we'd sent Scouts out last week to check it out like we usually do, we'd have known about this and we wouldn't have done it.
00:25:14But we didn't.
00:25:15No.
00:25:16So we didn't?
00:25:17No.
00:25:18But the fact is, I really want to show you how fast this is.
00:25:22I'd like to see it in my mirror, but there's just one other thing before we do that.
00:25:26What?
00:25:27I really like a jumper.
00:25:28So, the situation is, we're going to have a race after we've bought him a jumper.
00:25:35Yeah.
00:25:36And while we're doing that, I should imagine, in the edit, they'll cut back to James and his stupid larder.
00:25:41Yeah.
00:25:43While those two were bumbling about, I'd found a workshop.
00:25:51Good.
00:25:52And some health and safety-obsessed locals.
00:25:59So I could convert my larder into a fire engine.
00:26:03Oh, yes.
00:26:05Meanwhile, back in the 21st century, Hammond had bought his jumper and we were looking for somewhere to have our drag race.
00:26:14It's a dual carriageway.
00:26:16No, it's got buses on it.
00:26:18You can't race where there's buses.
00:26:20And there was another problem as well.
00:26:22It was obviously a slow news week in Croatia, so we were being followed everywhere by the paparazzi and TV crews.
00:26:32We can't do it here.
00:26:33Everybody is filming this.
00:26:37This is impossible.
00:26:38How are you supposed to have a bloody race?
00:26:41Hammond, just pull over here.
00:26:43Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:26:45Three, two, one, go!
00:26:47Stop, stop, abort, abort.
00:26:53He's paparazzi.
00:26:55We can't do it here.
00:26:56It'll be in the Daily Mail.
00:26:58Luckily, though, Hammond then had a sudden burst of intelligence.
00:27:03Look, there's an airport sign.
00:27:05Oh, yes.
00:27:06Well spotted, Mr. Hammond.
00:27:09That's where we always have drag races, isn't it?
00:27:12Business as usual.
00:27:13Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
00:27:15However...
00:27:17There's a man with...
00:27:18This is like a news crew here.
00:27:19You're joking.
00:27:21Hello.
00:27:22We're just having a drive.
00:27:23Don't tell him we're doing a drag race.
00:27:24No, I'm not.
00:27:25It just said that on the radio.
00:27:27Hello.
00:27:28Hello.
00:27:29Are you having a nice time?
00:27:30Very nice, thank you.
00:27:31Look, so you can't be cross with me.
00:27:33You love Croatia?
00:27:34Absolutely, yes.
00:27:35So we're just having a drive around.
00:27:39Yeah.
00:27:43Right, runway's there.
00:27:44Jeremy's gone in to ask permission.
00:27:46Drag race, humiliation, end of, move on.
00:27:52What?
00:27:53Didn't nobody in?
00:27:54No.
00:27:55He says it's a commercial airport.
00:27:56They're not going to suspend flight operations for us to do a drag race.
00:27:59I mean, he has got a point.
00:28:00Yeah, I suppose so, but...
00:28:02Well...
00:28:03He also said if we'd have rung a couple of weeks ago,
00:28:05we might have been able to sort something out.
00:28:07There's a reason why we do that, isn't there?
00:28:08Yeah, exactly.
00:28:09Here's how I'd sum up unscripted television.
00:28:15You could sit and film a waste disposal unit
00:28:19all day long and every day long and transmit the pictures,
00:28:22hoping that one day a cat will fall into it.
00:28:24Or you could actually push a cat into it and get it over with.
00:28:32Whilst James continued with his stupid fire engine conversion...
00:28:37Richard and I drove about until eventually...
00:28:42we found an abandoned runway.
00:28:45Right, I'm ready.
00:28:47Do the tension thing before the race.
00:28:49Okay.
00:28:50Rev the engine.
00:28:51Yeah, he's got 400 brake horsepower, but his car is heavy.
00:28:55This only has 290 brake horsepower, but it only weighs 670 kilos.
00:29:00So, in actual fact, this has 400 brake horsepower per tonne.
00:29:05That doesn't.
00:29:09Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on, Hammond.
00:29:12How are we going to start it?
00:29:14Normally we have a production member with a jequered flag.
00:29:16We haven't got that.
00:29:17We'll start it on the radio.
00:29:18That's what we'll do.
00:29:19We'll start it on the radio.
00:29:20I'll do it.
00:29:21Okay?
00:29:22No, wait a minute.
00:29:23Hang on.
00:29:24No, I can't do it.
00:29:25I've got launch control.
00:29:26I need both hands.
00:29:27I can't do it.
00:29:28I have to put the radio away before it sets off.
00:29:29I've got nowhere to put it.
00:29:30Shall we...
00:29:31Why don't we just get a local person?
00:29:32Yeah, it's not different.
00:29:33Somebody just to wave a flag.
00:29:34Yes.
00:29:35Right, we'll cut back to James.
00:29:36And then when we get back, we'll have a local person.
00:29:38With Hammond and Clarkson's camera crew looking for a local person to start their pointless
00:29:55race, I was finally in business.
00:30:02So, here we are, just a few hours, and exactly £1,200 later, my fire engine.
00:30:08Now, my colleagues have been very quick to point out that the fire engine as a concept
00:30:13is very well established, but this is something different.
00:30:16You don't call the fire brigade.
00:30:18I patrol in your area, and you summon me if you need a fire putting out, like an ice
00:30:24windscreen van.
00:30:25And to that end, I have a siren.
00:30:29There is a large range of firefighting accoutrements on board.
00:30:33There are various hoses.
00:30:34We've got CO2 for electrical fires, fire blankets, sand.
00:30:39There's a water cannon here.
00:30:41See, if I just turn on that pump, steer with my knees, and put on the windscreen wipers,
00:30:47and extinguish the fire.
00:30:49There you go.
00:30:50And a lot of it comes through the window, and it...
00:30:53Jeez.
00:30:54Yeah, it's quite...
00:30:55I may have made it a bit more complicated than it needs to be.
00:30:58All I needed now was a fire to put out.
00:31:01And since this was an unscripted film, it had to be a real one.
00:31:05I'm going to put my light on, and my siren, just in case anybody needs me.
00:31:10I'm going to put my light on.
00:31:15As Mr. Softy continued to drive round looking for an unscripted fire, our camera crew had
00:31:21found a typical Croatian to start our race.
00:31:26Three, two, one, now!
00:31:33Sam!
00:31:41Don't worry, we didn't go anywhere.
00:31:43Um, oh, Jim.
00:31:45Yeah, I don't know where I was.
00:31:48My mind was elsewhere.
00:31:50I've had another idea.
00:31:52Why don't we use her as the finish line, and then get, I don't know, a sound recordist to do the start?
00:31:58Yeah, that works.
00:32:00Okay, problem's sorted.
00:32:02We have our starter.
00:32:03We've lost the distraction in quite a big way, actually.
00:32:13Three, two, one!
00:32:24I just cooked my clutch.
00:32:26Ah.
00:32:30That is one hell of a finishing line.
00:32:34Back at the start line, the news was bleak.
00:32:38I think I've broken that drive shaft end.
00:32:41As spare parts had to be sourced, I decided to take the finishing line for a spin in my functioning Audi.
00:32:48Woo-hoo!
00:32:49Hammond.
00:32:50I need to go to feed my pet.
00:32:53She's got to go and feed her cat.
00:32:56Right.
00:32:57You go off with the old man, I'll fix the car.
00:33:02Woo-hoo!
00:33:03Fire service is now available in your area.
00:33:07Back in town, fireman May still hadn't found anything to put out.
00:33:11Kiosk, not on fire.
00:33:13Ice cream shop, not on fire.
00:33:15People with shopping, not on fire.
00:33:19Are you having a fire?
00:33:21Your last chance to summon the local fire brigade if your mobile phone is ablaze.
00:33:26James eventually realized that in an unscripted world, he wasn't going to find a fire.
00:33:33So, he deployed his acting.
00:33:35Wait! Smoke!
00:33:37It looks as if somebody's bins caught fire.
00:33:41Not to worry, I can deal with that.
00:33:56Several hours later, with my car fixed, we were finally ready for our showdown.
00:34:06Let's do it then.
00:34:07Okay, let's do this.
00:34:08Let's sort this out.
00:34:19Three, two, one!
00:34:26Come on, baby, come on!
00:34:34No! Where's he come from?
00:34:36Oh, no!
00:34:50No!
00:34:53What's that?
00:34:55Since when did a finishing line have an opinion on a result?
00:35:00I'm better than him.
00:35:05I don't know why you're applauding. I really don't.
00:35:08Because there you are, the narrow boy.
00:35:11That is what unscripted television looks like.
00:35:14You've got 17 minutes of film there.
00:35:16Yeah.
00:35:17All we did was buy a jumper, which was actually a sweatshirt.
00:35:19It was.
00:35:20And have a ten-second drag race.
00:35:22That's all we did.
00:35:24Well, hang on a minute.
00:35:25I built a fire engine.
00:35:27It wasn't a very good fire engine.
00:35:28Yes, it was.
00:35:29I'm sorry, James, but your water cannon would only be any use of putting out a fire if the fire were on you windscreen wipers.
00:35:37Anything further away than that would be hopeless.
00:35:38I put out that bin fire.
00:35:39Yeah, the bin fire that you started.
00:35:42I did not start it.
00:35:43Yes, you did.
00:35:44Oh, I might have done a bit.
00:35:46You did a lot.
00:35:47Anyway, listen, we'll pick that up later on.
00:35:49Now, though, it's time for Celebrity Face Off.
00:36:04And once again, we're asking an important question.
00:36:07Who is the fastest classical singer in the world who has an interesting connection to the British motor industry?
00:36:14Many, many people we could have gone to for this one.
00:36:16But in the end, we selected two.
00:36:19And they are, and would you please welcome them now, Michael Ball and Alfie Ball!
00:36:23Oh!
00:36:28Gentlemen.
00:36:31Thank you very much.
00:36:33How are you?
00:36:34Have a seat.
00:36:35You can go out of the way.
00:36:37Both British this week.
00:36:40Welcome, gentlemen.
00:36:41Welcome, welcome.
00:36:42Now, I've just described you as classical singers, but actually that's not strictly true, is it?
00:36:45You're not?
00:36:46Well, it is for me.
00:36:47It's not for him.
00:36:48But no, classical music.
00:36:49How was it described in that movie in the loop?
00:36:51It was all vowels, which it is.
00:36:54Nobody likes classical music.
00:36:55Do that again.
00:36:58Do you want to come on tour?
00:37:00Whatever your music is, however, it is unbelievably popular.
00:37:03Last Christmas, you were number one with your joint album.
00:37:06Yeah.
00:37:07And that kept the Stones and Little Mix.
00:37:09Whoever the hell they are.
00:37:12Off the number one.
00:37:13And then this year, your album's keeping, what is it?
00:37:15The Stereophonics.
00:37:16We were number one.
00:37:17We went to number one again, and it's still, it's doing all right.
00:37:20Yeah, it's doing all right.
00:37:21Because I was looking, I was thinking, okay, so what sort of music is it?
00:37:23And I was looking on YouTube.
00:37:24Right.
00:37:25At clips of U2 singing.
00:37:26The audience is quite old.
00:37:29Those are Michael's fans.
00:37:31They're the ones that, do they smell of urine?
00:37:35No.
00:37:36No.
00:37:37No.
00:37:38Okay.
00:37:39We were just waiting.
00:37:40One of your audience said that they bought our album.
00:37:45So there is someone here who has our album.
00:37:46Where is she?
00:37:47Where is she?
00:37:48Where is she?
00:37:49There's a surprise.
00:37:52Come on, where are she?
00:37:53She's now denying it.
00:37:54Yes, she's denied.
00:37:55She's surrounded by a load of bikers, that's why.
00:37:57We've got to get onto these connections with motor industry, because that's what people
00:38:01are interested here.
00:38:02Right.
00:38:03Which is a genuinely fascinating thing that we've managed to find with you two.
00:38:05Because we'll start with you if we may.
00:38:06Sure.
00:38:07Michael, your dad was world sales chief for British Leyland.
00:38:10That's where he ended.
00:38:11He started off as an Austrian apprentice back in the 50s, and eventually ended up as world
00:38:16sales chief for BL under Michael Edwards and the whole Red Robbo scenario, and when
00:38:21they actually went bust.
00:38:23So you grew up in a British Leyland household?
00:38:28Totally, yeah.
00:38:29So how did you ever get to school?
00:38:31We did have some dogs.
00:38:34Did they make anything that wasn't a dog?
00:38:38No.
00:38:40My favourite had to be the Allegro Equipe.
00:38:44The ugliest guy, with the go fast and strife.
00:38:47With the go fast and strife.
00:38:48Yellow and brown go fast and strife.
00:38:50And matching nylon interior.
00:38:52But I thought, didn't your dad progress up to things like E-types?
00:38:55Yeah, I remember crashing the E-type.
00:38:57Taking me to school, funnily enough.
00:39:00Third day he had it, and someone, into the back of him, he went into the back of, well,
00:39:05underneath the lorry, because it was...
00:39:06Well, there's a lot of nose to go under a lorry, let's be honest with them.
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:09But he launched, the fascinating thing is he launched the Mini.
00:39:11Oh, of course.
00:39:12He was the guy, he was given a 500 quid budget.
00:39:14He was taken in by Isagonis and all of them.
00:39:16They said, this is the car, we want to make some headlines, do a thing with it.
00:39:20And he came up with this concept of it's magic, and put on one of the first ever car launches.
00:39:27Didn't he do the thing about how many things can you get in a Mini?
00:39:30That's right.
00:39:31That's absolutely right.
00:39:32Because it's become a huge thing for those of us old enough to remember.
00:39:33They were always seeing what they could get in a Mini.
00:39:35Yeah.
00:39:36It's like, 800 Boy Scouts.
00:39:38I'm going to move it on, if I may, to not your dad, but you, actually worked on the shop floor at TVR.
00:39:46I did.
00:39:47Were you there a while?
00:39:48Yeah, I was there for about two years, two or three years.
00:39:50There are some questions I've got about TVR, because I, as I understand, people who worked on the shop floor,
00:39:55would often, before the cars were painted or underneath the carpets and the boot floor, leave wood messages.
00:40:00Yeah.
00:40:01Is that true?
00:40:02Absolutely.
00:40:03There's a guy driving around in a TVR Griffith on the bonnet with a big penis shape on it.
00:40:09Underneath the bonnet.
00:40:10Before it was painted.
00:40:11There's a car door somewhere with Alfie's a twat.
00:40:14I think I've got that one.
00:40:17They basically got some things right about TVR.
00:40:21Because, I mean, you always think, no, they couldn't possibly have done this.
00:40:24If you've got a TVR and you lift up the carpet and the boot.
00:40:27There'll be a message somewhere, yeah.
00:40:28Because wasn't it a way of passing messages on to one another down, well, that wasn't really a production line, but...
00:40:33Yeah, that was, you know, the, um, flat-in shop would pass a message down to the paint shop,
00:40:38and, yeah, usually rude and annoying, but, yeah.
00:40:41Didn't they used to spray the backs of your heads as well with...
00:40:44Yeah, they'd come up to you and just straight across the back of your neck.
00:40:47Which, with the paint?
00:40:48Which was cyanide.
00:40:49Yeah, it was.
00:40:50Cyanide-based paint.
00:40:51Why did TVR use...
00:40:53I came out in a bit of a rash, but I'm all right now.
00:40:55Why did they use cyanide paint?
00:40:57Just because it was the metallic feel that they'd get from it, that real crisp.
00:41:01Oh, it looked like a metal flake thing.
00:41:02Yeah, yeah, cos, you know.
00:41:04So that must have hurt?
00:41:05Well, it sprayed in cyanide.
00:41:06It did a little bit.
00:41:07It stung for a while.
00:41:09It was, the worst thing is, was being shoved through the powder-coating room.
00:41:13That really, that really got onto your skin.
00:41:17That itched like crazy, that did.
00:41:19That was rough.
00:41:20It's a wonder TVR went out of business, isn't it?
00:41:22It actually went, how did that happen?
00:41:24Cos they had the engine, presumably your dad's engines, weren't they?
00:41:27Cos they were using the V8s from...
00:41:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41:29From the Rover V8s.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:31They built this engine bay, and they put this, they mounted this engine on a plinth,
00:41:34and then stuck the exhaust into this metal box, bricked around the metal box,
00:41:39fired it up on the first test of one of the engines,
00:41:42and they didn't turn the extractor fan on.
00:41:45Oh, God.
00:41:46So this box, this metal box was turning into this huge bomb, basically.
00:41:52It backfired, lit up everything, bricks flying everywhere,
00:41:55all the paint work, cars were smashed to pieces with bricks,
00:41:58and the metal work, and the foreman came up and said,
00:42:01what's wrong?
00:42:02So just get on with it.
00:42:03Come on, clean up.
00:42:04You're all right.
00:42:05And that was it.
00:42:06Was anyone ever killed there?
00:42:07Um, not as...
00:42:08Oh, there was a guy, yeah.
00:42:09Yeah.
00:42:10Yeah.
00:42:11Yeah.
00:42:12Yeah.
00:42:13Yeah.
00:42:14Yeah.
00:42:15Yeah.
00:42:16Yeah.
00:42:17He, um, he, uh, I think...
00:42:20We're laughing.
00:42:21Yeah, I know, it was crazy.
00:42:22It was awful.
00:42:23Yeah, he did.
00:42:24He went in the spray booth without his mask on
00:42:26and just started spraying Kildover, and that was it.
00:42:28Well, the science...
00:42:29So he's posing himself a song.
00:42:30Yeah, it was crazy.
00:42:31But the paint job was good.
00:42:33He was so pretty.
00:42:34Oh, done it!
00:42:36So how did you get from there to singing?
00:42:39Well, I was working in the factory
00:42:41and working on a Griffith, um, and I was polishing it away,
00:42:44and, um, this guy was overhearing me singing along to the radio.
00:42:50And he said, um, you know, you've got a good voice,
00:42:52you should try out for this company in London.
00:42:55And I took the day off work, went down to London,
00:42:59and, uh, sang for this company and got taken on.
00:43:02Came back to TVR, handed in my notice,
00:43:04and my foreman went crazy.
00:43:06He said, what do you want to go and do that for?
00:43:08Singing?
00:43:09I said, why do you want to leave this job?
00:43:10You're on 60 quid a week.
00:43:12LAUGHTER
00:43:13Well, there we are, then.
00:43:15Didn't you try to get Michael to give you a leg up in the music business?
00:43:18When I was at college, I stayed in the same area of London
00:43:22that he was living in at the time.
00:43:24I was renting a room and I posted a note through his door
00:43:27to see if he'd give us a bit of advice
00:43:29and, um, never heard a f***ing thing.
00:43:32LAUGHTER
00:43:34See, you look nice.
00:43:35Oh, I know.
00:43:36You have that nice-looking face,
00:43:38but actually beats a cold heart.
00:43:40Oh, I'm a cold bastard.
00:43:42LAUGHTER
00:43:43I mean, no, I still haven't given him anything.
00:43:45Could you remember it?
00:43:46You don't remember the postcard?
00:43:47No!
00:43:48Mindy, your house burnt down.
00:43:49Yeah, it did.
00:43:50Did you do that?
00:43:52Well, I didn't hear anything from him, you know.
00:43:54It's the only way forward.
00:43:56So, anyway, you're here in the depths of the English countryside,
00:44:00and how did it go on the track?
00:44:02I'm dreading this, man.
00:44:04Are you?
00:44:05I loved every second.
00:44:06I was told that there is quite a bit of needle
00:44:08between who is the fastest today.
00:44:09Yeah.
00:44:10LAUGHTER
00:44:11Well, there's a big dinner right now.
00:44:12Yeah, there is a dinner right now.
00:44:13A really major dinner.
00:44:14So, who should we go with first?
00:44:16Let's have a look at...
00:44:18Michael's now.
00:44:19OK.
00:44:20Here we are.
00:44:21And it's a smooth start.
00:44:23Up into second.
00:44:25Pedal to the mill.
00:44:26Well, pedal to the carpet.
00:44:28Now, I like to break halfway through this one.
00:44:31And you do as well.
00:44:32And it makes sense, because then you've got more speed going...
00:44:34Yes, exactly.
00:44:35...on to the tricky bit, which is coming up now,
00:44:38because we've run out of money.
00:44:39And there it is.
00:44:40The gravel, really.
00:44:42Oh, keeping it quite tidy through there,
00:44:45and tidy through there as well.
00:44:47Who the tells us gravel on a racetrack?
00:44:50Oh, dear.
00:44:51We haven't got the money.
00:44:52Right, now, you've got to...
00:44:53This is the...
00:44:54I can't remember what it's called.
00:44:55Gravel Cell.
00:44:56That's what it is.
00:44:57Named off the carousel of the Nurburgring.
00:44:59Onto the difficult bit.
00:45:00Two.
00:45:01Is that any good?
00:45:02No, that's pretty good, actually.
00:45:03Quite slow.
00:45:04You know, because sometimes if you keep it tidy
00:45:05and it looks slow, it's actually fast.
00:45:07That's a hard corner.
00:45:08Because it always is more slippery than you think.
00:45:11Right, now, smoothly on to the main strip.
00:45:15Well, not smoothly.
00:45:16Virtually stopping.
00:45:17And...
00:45:18I'm loving this.
00:45:19Good.
00:45:20Now, this is supposed to be flat.
00:45:21It's quite greasy out there today,
00:45:22so you probably wouldn't be.
00:45:24That's...
00:45:25Oh, yeah, no, you definitely aren't.
00:45:27Right, final corner coming up now.
00:45:29Harder the ball.
00:45:30More understeer.
00:45:31Not as bad as last week,
00:45:32but there we are across the line.
00:45:34I mean...
00:45:37Well, who knows?
00:45:39I didn't crash.
00:45:40You definitely didn't crash.
00:45:43Slow and steady wins the race,
00:45:45or gets around.
00:45:46What's that?
00:45:47These are the times,
00:45:48but we're not going to reveal them
00:45:50until we've had a look at Alfie Nooks,
00:45:52as we like to call you all week
00:45:54when you were coming on.
00:45:55Yes, yes.
00:45:56Right, let's have a look at Alfie's lamp.
00:45:58Oh, fog's come down.
00:45:59He gets special effects.
00:46:00Right, and he's disappeared.
00:46:03All right, Barley, I'm coming after you.
00:46:05God, that really is a pea super.
00:46:08Could you see all right?
00:46:09No, it was...
00:46:10Oh, there's an excuse.
00:46:11You should say yes.
00:46:12Yeah, I was fine.
00:46:14That's nice and smooth through there.
00:46:16Now, are you exuberant on the gravel?
00:46:19Let's have a look as we come up here.
00:46:21Oh, that's wide.
00:46:24Oh, this gravel turn is as wide as Michael's vibrato.
00:46:34That traction control is really letting you have some angle there,
00:46:37as we come now to the difficult bit too.
00:46:39Cutting that corner nicely, sliding wide on that one.
00:46:43Very different styles you two have got here.
00:46:46God, that really is fish tailing down there.
00:46:49On to the tarmac once again.
00:46:53We'll ignore that.
00:46:54Yeah.
00:46:55And then...
00:46:56That's illegal.
00:46:57You almost stopped as well.
00:46:58Now, here we go.
00:46:59Come on, you f***ing eye!
00:47:01I've never had you as a swearist.
00:47:03Right, now, that seems fast but wide.
00:47:07Oh!
00:47:08He's off, he's off.
00:47:09Now he's back on.
00:47:11Stopping.
00:47:12Why is...
00:47:13Sorry.
00:47:14Again!
00:47:15Across the line.
00:47:17I actually don't like this bit.
00:47:21Having to reveal the times to two people when it really matters.
00:47:25Really matters.
00:47:26It does.
00:47:27An awful lot.
00:47:28Anyway, what the times here?
00:47:29Are you nervous?
00:47:30I'm really nervous.
00:47:31I've shat myself.
00:47:33It smells like one of your audiences.
00:47:37He's getting...
00:47:38I'm coming again!
00:47:44Right.
00:47:48Michael Ball.
00:47:49Yes.
00:47:50You did it.
00:47:51In one minute, 23.3.
00:47:56God, my heart is pounding.
00:47:58Alfie Bow.
00:47:59One minute.
00:48:0120...
00:48:02Four.
00:48:04Four.
00:48:05Point four.
00:48:06Oh!
00:48:07APPLAUSE
00:48:18Too exuberant.
00:48:19I think too exuberant.
00:48:21You probably had more fun.
00:48:23Yeah.
00:48:24But you were faster.
00:48:25Really?
00:48:26My, actually, 1.1 seconds.
00:48:281.1 seconds?
00:48:29Yeah, do you want me to say it again?
00:48:30Would you mind?
00:48:31LAUGHTER
00:48:32It's not the winning, it's the taking part.
00:48:35LAUGHTER
00:48:36So, there we are, ladies and gentlemen.
00:48:41Alfie Bow and the fastest classical singer,
00:48:44with a connection to the British motor industry.
00:48:46Michael Ball!
00:48:47Thank you!
00:48:48APPLAUSE
00:48:49Come on.
00:48:50Gentlemen.
00:48:51APPLAUSE
00:48:52Now, this week, we are in Croatia.
00:49:00making a totally unplanned and unscripted film,
00:49:03in which we attempt to turn cars into fire engines.
00:49:07No, James, we are not.
00:49:09Well, I am.
00:49:10Yes, but to be quite clear,
00:49:11Jeremy and I are doing something completely different.
00:49:15Having proved that my Audi was faster in a straight line
00:49:27than Richard's Honda-powered Nomad,
00:49:29I was now determined to show him it was also faster at rallying.
00:49:34I'm confident for several reasons.
00:49:37It's got four-wheel drive, it's got a differential that moves the power
00:49:41to whichever wheel is best able to handle it at any given moment,
00:49:45and it has a fabulous gearbox.
00:49:47But most of all, I'm confident because this is the first Audi I've ever driven
00:49:52that has a front on it.
00:49:54What I mean by that is it has a front end that goes where you point it.
00:49:59You flick the wheel and it goes in the direction you've selected.
00:50:03There's no understeer.
00:50:04You then have to sort out the back end, obviously, but that's OK.
00:50:07That's what all top drivers, such as myself, want.
00:50:14Does that mad old ape really believe his air hostess chariot
00:50:19will stand a chance off-road against this custom-built off-road racer?
00:50:27Has he got £3,000 worth of Fox off-road long-travel coilover suspension?
00:50:34No, he hasn't.
00:50:35Can he glance out the side and see exactly how his wheels are positioned?
00:50:40No, he can't.
00:50:41Does he have a hydraulic handbrake?
00:50:43No.
00:50:44Does it weigh just 670 kilograms?
00:50:47No, he weighs more than that.
00:50:50All we needed to sort this out was a loose-surface gravel track of some kind.
00:50:57Obviously, nothing planned. We just drive around so we find somewhere.
00:51:01Can't do it there. Too many trees.
00:51:06That's just a little bit of gravel.
00:51:08Can't go in there. That's an orchard. Somebody will be cross.
00:51:12Must be somewhere.
00:51:15Meanwhile, after his success with the staged bin fire,
00:51:18James was now getting carried away.
00:51:20Ah, looks like a job for me.
00:51:22Ah, looks like a job for me.
00:51:23Oh.
00:51:24Ah!
00:51:35My pleasure.
00:51:36Oh.
00:51:37Back out in the countryside, Richard and I had stopped by some nice lakes.
00:51:48But because this was an unscripted film, we didn't have much to say about them.
00:51:59I like the waterfalls.
00:52:00Yeah, the waterfalls are nice.
00:52:02What's your favourite of the waterfalls?
00:52:09I like that one.
00:52:10I like that big one.
00:52:13Yep.
00:52:14Oh.
00:52:16Hold that a minute.
00:52:18Right, I've done a quick chart of how we're performing so far.
00:52:23We aren't...
00:52:24I'm not performing.
00:52:25Right, economy.
00:52:27Three points for me.
00:52:28Most economical, obviously, followed by Hammond 2U1.
00:52:30Top speed, it's the other way round.
00:52:32You're the fastest.
00:52:33Three points, two for you and one for me, the slowest.
00:52:35Now, value, you get a point for every pound you save under the £2,000 budget,
00:52:41but you lose a point for every pound you go over it, OK?
00:52:44So I am winning that.
00:52:46My car was £800.
00:52:48I score 1,200.
00:52:51You, minus 65,000...
00:52:55Don't... I think there's something wrong with it.
00:52:57600... 645.
00:52:59I can't write on a vertical surface.
00:53:01OK, let's have a writing competition.
00:53:03You lose.
00:53:04Yeah, I will.
00:53:04But that's not in it.
00:53:05Hang on, your car, you lose minus 48,000.
00:53:09Well, that can't be minus anything.
00:53:10Hang on, hang on.
00:53:11Have you included his optional windscreen?
00:53:13Don't encourage him.
00:53:15Is that optional?
00:53:16It's an optional windscreen.
00:53:17How much is it?
00:53:181,500 quid.
00:53:19Mine is 1,500.
00:53:21That's interesting.
00:53:22Which is, minus minus is a plus, which is a minus.
00:53:24This is very riveting, but it's irrelevant.
00:53:27It's not irrelevant.
00:53:28It is irrelevant.
00:53:28It's like saying, Jeremy, you lost to Manchester United yesterday.
00:53:32I wasn't there, and I wasn't taking part.
00:53:34You are taking part in this.
00:53:35I'm not.
00:53:36Yes, you are.
00:53:37Just because you can't be bothered and you've done it wrong, you're losing.
00:53:41Catch up here.
00:53:42You've got fires extinguished, water capacity.
00:53:45You can still claw it back for the total.
00:53:47But at the moment, mate, you're losing.
00:53:50Fires extinguished.
00:53:52So far, I've done two.
00:53:55Having thrown James's chart in the lake,
00:53:59Hammond and I resumed our search for a rally stage.
00:54:03And soon, we found one.
00:54:08This would be perfect for our timed shootout.
00:54:15Hammond elected to go first.
00:54:18Right.
00:54:19This bush is the start-finish line, okay?
00:54:21Okay.
00:54:22Yes.
00:54:22Good.
00:54:22No, hang on.
00:54:23I don't trust you to time me.
00:54:25I'm not.
00:54:27Sylvia is.
00:54:28Oh, great.
00:54:29The human finish line.
00:54:30Yes.
00:54:39This is it.
00:54:42Little touch of the brakes.
00:54:44Don't want to drift too wide.
00:54:49Too ultra-high means I've got to take advantage of every bit of grip I can find.
00:54:52A lot of rocks, a lot of rocks.
00:55:03A lot of rocks.
00:55:04Nice.
00:55:08Come on.
00:55:09Get your concentration on, Richard.
00:55:11Good.
00:55:25Now, glory.
00:55:26Everything we've got.
00:55:41Sylvia, what was the time?
00:55:43Two minutes, 5.7.
00:55:45Well, that's probably brilliant.
00:55:48Two minutes, 5.7. Right.
00:55:50Thank you, right.
00:55:50My turn.
00:55:51Okay.
00:55:52Watch and learn.
00:55:56Speed.
00:55:57Fast.
00:55:59Yeah, then.
00:56:00Go!
00:56:04Right.
00:56:05I have the whole car set up in its dynamic mode.
00:56:09So, the throttle response, the gearbox, the suspension are all now sharper than an architect's pencil.
00:56:19Jesus God's truth.
00:56:21I am not the world's best loose surfaces expert, not even in the top 20 million.
00:56:31But in a car like this, you feel like you have all the control you need.
00:56:36Absolutely unbelievable.
00:56:45And flick it in.
00:56:48That front end on this is just phenomenal.
00:56:51Oh, yeah.
00:57:04Totally unbounded.
00:57:19Finish line looks happy.
00:57:25Sylvia, what was the time?
00:57:27Perfect time.
00:57:28Two minutes, 3.7.
00:57:30Oh, come on!
00:57:32Really?
00:57:33That's just because she's nuts.
00:57:35She can't mess with time.
00:57:37Time is just an entity on its own.
00:57:39You can't mess around with it.
00:57:40No.
00:57:40No.
00:57:41No.
00:57:41Hammond, Hammond.
00:57:43No.
00:57:44Hammond!
00:57:44What?
00:57:44Hammond!
00:57:47May?
00:57:48What now?
00:57:49Where?
00:57:50Okay.
00:57:51No.
00:57:51Yes, yes, yes.
00:57:52I've got sat and I will find it.
00:57:54All right.
00:57:54Bye.
00:57:55He says he's organised a demonstration and he wants us to come and watch it.
00:58:00Watch it?
00:58:01Oh, well, yeah.
00:58:01I personally prefer to do another race of some sort.
00:58:04No.
00:58:05There's no point.
00:58:05In a swimming pool, perhaps?
00:58:06I think the finish line is biased.
00:58:08On a beach.
00:58:09Why don't we see it?
00:58:09Oh, let's go.
00:58:10I'd rather go and see James than be humiliated by another...
00:58:12Why don't we have a race in a sauna?
00:58:14No.
00:58:18As James was a fair few miles away,
00:58:23we had time to sum up what we'd learned about our cars.
00:58:28I know the Audi TT has an image problem.
00:58:31I know people think it's an air hostess's car.
00:58:36But the RS genuinely is different.
00:58:39The RS is like...
00:58:41Oh, not again.
00:58:45It's like...
00:58:47It's difficult to think of anyone who really needs a supercharged aerial nomad.
00:58:54Even an emergency off-road vet would have nowhere to put their tools to do anything when they got there.
00:59:00So it's useless.
00:59:01It's also drafty, expensive, noisy and brilliant.
00:59:07I adore it.
00:59:11It's the best toy in the world and what finer praise could you have for any car?
00:59:15Eventually, we met up with our colleague, who was eager to explain what he had in mind.
00:59:24I'm making a simulated bushfire, the start of a bushfire, to demonstrate how quickly my roving fire engine...
00:59:30You could just put it out before it develops into something like a massive conflagration.
00:59:34This bushfire, OK?
00:59:36Yes.
00:59:37...is going to start right next to a road.
00:59:39Which happens to be next to where you've parked your fire engine.
00:59:42I'm not... I'm going to drive in and put it out.
00:59:44But you know where it is! You've just started it!
00:59:46It's a demonstration, you morons!
00:59:48It's two and a half feet from a road! Bushfires happen miles out in the middle of...
00:59:53All right, go and build one out there, then.
00:59:55It doesn't make any difference.
00:59:56Why don't we do that?
00:59:57Why don't we go and start a fire for him?
00:59:58That's more realistic.
00:59:59Then you've got to travel to the fire wherever we've started it and put it out.
01:00:02Off you go.
01:00:06Having travelled a realistic distance from the road, we soon had a bushfire on the go.
01:00:11Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!
01:00:15Yes!
01:00:17That is speeding things up, isn't it?
01:00:19Isn't it?
01:00:20There you go.
01:00:21What it's doing is catching on.
01:00:23The wind moves it along and it gets bigger. It's quite good.
01:00:26It's brilliant.
01:00:27Another bit there, look.
01:00:29Then we told James to come and do his stuff.
01:00:32Relax, I am coming to put out the fire.
01:00:46However, because of his leisurely pace, the fire had grown a bit by the time he got there.
01:00:53Jeez.
01:00:59Pressure.
01:01:02It's too big!
01:01:05I've run out of water!
01:01:15This isn't gonna work!
01:01:17I think what we've established here is that he's only capable of putting out fires that he's started himself.
01:01:23Yeah, that are nearby and contained.
01:01:26Yeah.
01:01:27I haven't got anything left!
01:01:28Luckily, at this point, the real fire brigade arrived.
01:01:34The fire brigade arrived.
01:02:04Thank you!
01:02:09Thank you!
01:02:10Thank you!
01:02:20It's a six-tonne lump of water.
01:02:22Hold on.
01:02:23Hold on, hold on.
01:02:24Let's have a look at the final scores on my water-damaged scoreboard.
01:02:27No, James.
01:02:28Because...
01:02:29No, James.
01:02:30No, there's no point.
01:02:31You get minus a million because that was the cost of the real fire brigade that had to come.
01:02:34And I get plus a million for winning everything.
01:02:36No, hang on.
01:02:37The only reason your doors to manual Audi beat the magnificent Nomad is that you fed the finishing lines cat.
01:02:44And because it was faster and better in every way.
01:02:46It is a superb car, that TT, but you can't have one.
01:02:50Because of the air hostess thing?
01:02:51No, because I've driven three examples of it now and every single one has had squeaky brakes.
01:02:55You can hear it in the film.
01:02:56And it drives you mad.
01:02:57No, that's unforgivable.
01:02:58Absolutely nuts.
01:02:59You can't have one.
01:03:00And on that terrible disappointment and that total waste of time, it's time to end.
01:03:03Thank you very much for watching.
01:03:04Have a very happy new year.
01:03:05Unless you're watching this in April, in which case, whatever.
01:03:07Goodbye.
01:03:37Bye.
01:03:38Bye.
01:03:39Bye.
01:03:40Bye.