- 2 days ago
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:29I put some dust on a girl.
00:01:35All that is to come.
00:01:37But we start with McLaren.
00:01:39They have replaced the 650 with a new car,
00:01:41which is faster around the corners
00:01:43and faster in a straight line.
00:01:45Plainly, then, the only one of us three
00:01:48qualified to drive such a thing
00:01:50is Richard, whoops, I've done it again, Hammond.
00:01:59While the outgoing car may have been great to drive,
00:02:03it was never what you'd call beautiful
00:02:05or even very exciting to look at.
00:02:08But its replacement, well, that's a different matter.
00:02:14It's called the 720S,
00:02:16and from any angle and in every detail,
00:02:19it's simply sensational.
00:02:25Right down to the engine bay
00:02:27that glows red when you unlock the doors.
00:02:34Yep, on the head turn-o-meter,
00:02:36this thing definitely matches
00:02:38the Ferrari 488 and the Lamborghini Huracan.
00:02:41And then, when we move on to the business of speed and power,
00:02:45it actually beats them.
00:02:470-60 takes just 2.8 seconds.
00:03:01Top speed is 212 miles an hour.
00:03:06Both those numbers walloping the efforts of the Italians.
00:03:09Everything is bigger in this car.
00:03:12Even the price, £208,000.
00:03:15Oh, wait.
00:03:16That's not a good point, is it?
00:03:17No, that's a...
00:03:18Never mind, whatever.
00:03:20The horsepower is...
00:03:22Well, it's ridiculous, is what it is.
00:03:24This 4-litre V8 with its twin turbos produces 710 of them.
00:03:31To put that into context,
00:03:32the actual mechanical engine in a McLaren P1
00:03:34without all the hybrid battery boost
00:03:37produces just 17 horsepower more.
00:03:41Net result of that is...
00:03:46Staggering!
00:03:47Oh, that is fast.
00:03:57However, although they've gone nuts with the styling and the engine,
00:04:02the 720 is still very much a McLaren.
00:04:06By that, I mean it's been made by the ultimate tech nerds
00:04:09from the kingdom of geeks.
00:04:12Let me put it this way.
00:04:13This is, like I say,
00:04:14the replacement for the McLaren 650S.
00:04:17And if you ask a McLaren technician,
00:04:19so how much of this car is new then,
00:04:21they will tell you 91%.
00:04:24Not nearly all of it, May,
00:04:26or about 90%.
00:04:2991%.
00:04:31James May applied for a job at McLaren,
00:04:33but they turned him down for being too slapdash.
00:04:38And this incredible geekery has paid dividends.
00:04:41For example, one of the reasons the 720 looks so pretty
00:04:47is because it's the only mid-engine supercar
00:04:50without massive gaping intakes behind the doors.
00:04:54Instead, McLaren created subtle channels along the bodywork
00:04:59to feed air into the engine bay.
00:05:03More nerd stuff.
00:05:04The old car, the 650, had a carbon fibre tub that came up to here.
00:05:09On the 720, all of this, all of that down the centre,
00:05:12everything, is carbon fibre.
00:05:14That means these carbon windscreen pillars can be very thin,
00:05:17which makes it easier to see out, and it's light.
00:05:21Overall, they've lost about 18 kilograms up here.
00:05:23That means the centre of gravity is lower, which is good.
00:05:27Then there's the computer-controlled suspension,
00:05:32which is even more advanced than the system on the P1.
00:05:36It makes the ride on this 700 horsepower,
00:05:40hardcore supercar as comfortable as a nice sit-down.
00:05:43The question is, what does all that comfortableness mean for the handling?
00:05:52Here we go. Track mode.
00:05:55Active.
00:05:59I like that. I do like that.
00:06:02Right. Well, carry on.
00:06:03Well, carry on.
00:06:12Oh, my God!
00:06:17This is breathtaking!
00:06:20The new chassis control system on this,
00:06:23based on the work of proper pointyheads in Cambridge.
00:06:27It's all about maintaining the biggest possible contact patch
00:06:30between the tyres and the tarmac.
00:06:34God! It's the grip! It's staggering!
00:06:37It feels like a four-wheel drive.
00:06:45But if you do want things to get a little more leery,
00:06:49simply dive into the computers
00:06:51and activate variable drift control.
00:06:53It lets you select the angle of dangle through your drift
00:06:56by varying the amount of traction control.
00:06:58I think we'll go for all of it.
00:07:01Lots of drift available.
00:07:10Yeah, maybe less than that, I think.
00:07:12I think we're gonna have 38%.
00:07:1538.5.
00:07:17This is a McLaren accuracy.
00:07:21And that seemed to do the trick.
00:07:22Yes!
00:07:24Yes!
00:07:26Yes!
00:07:28Yes!
00:07:30Working!
00:07:32That's it!
00:07:34I know my setting on a McLaren's variable drift control.
00:07:38That makes the beast!
00:07:39And when you've finished your slide-fest...
00:07:49You can switch back to comfort mode
00:07:55and settle down for a relaxing cruise.
00:07:58That's the thing that stands out about this car.
00:08:02It's everything in one.
00:08:04You want speed? You get speed.
00:08:06You want comfort? You get comfort.
00:08:08You want to lose tire rubber? Help yourself.
00:08:10You want boot space? There's plenty.
00:08:11There's plenty.
00:08:13But the thing I keep coming back to is those looks.
00:08:16Because, at last, McLaren's technical perfection
00:08:20has been clothed in a way that does justice
00:08:23to the fizzing brilliance underneath.
00:08:27God, I'm falling in love a bit here.
00:08:31Actually, no, I'll go further. I'm in love.
00:08:32This is utterly brilliant.
00:08:34APPLAUSE
00:08:48No, you are.
00:08:50Well, no, I drove that car.
00:08:52Not that one, but I drove a 720 a couple of weeks ago
00:08:55and I didn't love it.
00:08:57Are you just being obtuse because I did?
00:08:59No, no, honestly, I didn't like the brake pedal.
00:09:00What, was it the wrong shape? No.
00:09:03Wrong colour? No.
00:09:04Was it in the glove box? No.
00:09:05Was it, in fact, the brake? Was it the handbrake?
00:09:07No. Was it rounded in front of you?
00:09:09No, listen, the problem was it was like,
00:09:11imagine a volume knob on a stereo
00:09:13where the volume doesn't start till you get to six.
00:09:16So you said, push, and then it all happens.
00:09:18You wouldn't have noticed it on the track,
00:09:20but on the road, it was almost impossible to drive smoothly.
00:09:23It drove me mad, nearly as mad as the seat controls.
00:09:26What was wrong with those, then?
00:09:27Well, they were really complicated.
00:09:28I should explain, by the way,
00:09:31that this is a man who a couple of days ago
00:09:33summoned a woman from the other side of London
00:09:35to help him send a tweet.
00:09:37Yeah, he did. No.
00:09:39It was a complicated tweet.
00:09:41No, it wasn't complicated.
00:09:42Did you try the seat controls?
00:09:43Can I say, actually, yes, and I agree with you,
00:09:46there's no sense there.
00:09:47There's no sense at all that you can't recline
00:09:49and we can't make them do what you want.
00:09:50Anyway, let's forget the seat controls,
00:09:52let's forget the brake pedal,
00:09:53and let's find out how fast the 720 goes round the Ebola drone.
00:09:58With someone who can adjust the seat?
00:10:00Yes.
00:10:02Right, let's do this.
00:10:04And she's off.
00:10:06Short shifting away from the line to manage the traction
00:10:09and immediately onto the isn't.
00:10:11Total focus there.
00:10:14A deliberately wide line round the first corner.
00:10:18Working the tyres hard on this whole tricky track.
00:10:22Flying down to your name here.
00:10:24God, that thing sounds good.
00:10:27Ooh, getting a bit of a tyre squeal there.
00:10:31And then hammer down up the hill and back onto the isn't.
00:10:36This is so quick.
00:10:39Dabber brakes down the box to keep the fire lit.
00:10:43Now up to the slow and technical old lady's house.
00:10:47Avoiding any understeer there.
00:10:49Interesting she's got the car in track mode
00:10:51but the dash is in full screen.
00:10:52Clearly that's what proper drivers prefer.
00:10:56Even with the air brake up,
00:10:58clearly you need some managing under braking.
00:11:01Just the last corner to go now.
00:11:03Slices through there and across the line.
00:11:09That's good.
00:11:11That's fine.
00:11:13Right, let's see where it goes on the leaderboard.
00:11:16Here we go.
00:11:17Up it goes, quicker than a GT-R.
00:11:19Ooh.
00:11:20Oh.
00:11:21Now that's quite interesting, isn't it?
00:11:22Because what we've deduced from that is the car you love there, haven't you?
00:11:26Is no faster than the car it has replaced.
00:11:30Yeah, yeah. That is a bit weird.
00:11:32The only thing I can think of is the 650 was on Super Trofeo tyres,
00:11:36which is super sticky, wasn't it?
00:11:37And that 720 was on normal road tyres.
00:11:38Makes a difference.
00:11:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:11:40That is actually quite a good explanation.
00:11:42Yeah.
00:11:44Well, it's either that or it's no better.
00:11:46Anyway, shut up.
00:11:47Because now it's time for us to plant a sapling of chat on Conversation Street.
00:11:52And it is an unusual Conversation Street this week.
00:12:05Because it's the end of the year, we're doing our awards.
00:12:08Okay? Or as we call them, the Nigels.
00:12:10We start actually with, well, we're calling it the Nissan Duke Award for the worst car of the year.
00:12:20Nominations are the Mitsubishi Outlander Feb.
00:12:24Why is that on the list?
00:12:25Well, many, many reasons actually.
00:12:27Chief among which is the way it beeps as you're driving along for no reason.
00:12:31You just go along and it goes, beep.
00:12:33What? Nothing's happened, it's just beeping.
00:12:35Maybe it's just bored.
00:12:36I'd be bored if I was a Feb.
00:12:37But anyway, other nominations include the Mini Countryman and the Renault Cab Jar.
00:12:46And the winner is...
00:12:50It's the Nissan Juke!
00:12:51There you go!
00:12:56A deserved award.
00:12:57Oh, yeah, it is.
00:12:59The judges were particularly impressed with its consistent awfulness.
00:13:04It was awful when it was first launched seven years ago and it continues to be awful to this day.
00:13:10Well done.
00:13:11Do you know what that car is?
00:13:12It's a wacky vicar.
00:13:14It's the sort of vicar that you go, I've just been on my face and do you know who else was there?
00:13:19Jesus!
00:13:21That's what it is.
00:13:22Yeah, yeah.
00:13:23Next, it is the hard-ass-to-follow Nigel.
00:13:27This is given to the car with the worst-looking rear end.
00:13:30The nominations are the Honda Civic Type R.
00:13:35Oh, I like that.
00:13:36No, you're wrong.
00:13:37No, you are wrong.
00:13:38It's just a car they wouldn't stop designing.
00:13:40Stop putting bits off.
00:13:41Look how many spoilers they put out.
00:13:42One here, one here, one there, one there, one exhaust, two, three.
00:13:46It's a bit like your jacket.
00:13:47They just didn't know when to stop adding bits.
00:13:50Unnecessary, pointless, stupid things to it.
00:13:53Might be in with a shout.
00:13:56The next nomination is the Toyota CHR.
00:13:59A car styled by nine people who'd fallen out at a wedding.
00:14:03But the winner of the hard-ass-to-follow Nigel is...
00:14:08Ooh!
00:14:09It's the Land Rover Discovery!
00:14:12Look at that!
00:14:14I think the problem is the designer, Jerry McGovern,
00:14:17OK, we've got a picture of him here.
00:14:19And this is his dog.
00:14:24And this is where he lives.
00:14:27All makes sense.
00:14:28So it's only natural his car should look like that.
00:14:31It's just all hutched up.
00:14:33Now we have a special award.
00:14:35It goes to a car that you like, but you know you shouldn't
00:14:38because it would be a bit embarrassing.
00:14:40We're calling it the, uh,
00:14:42You Would But You Know You Shouldn't Award.
00:14:46Sarah Palin.
00:14:47Oh, yeah!
00:14:50It is the new, next year's one actually, Corvette ZR1.
00:14:56Oh, that is...
00:14:57But that...
00:15:01That fits the bill perfectly.
00:15:03Yeah.
00:15:04That is exactly right.
00:15:05Because you would buy one because, wow,
00:15:06and then the next morning you wake up and think,
00:15:07What have I done?
00:15:10We're moving on now to the Lack of Continuity Award.
00:15:13Nobody's going to beat me on that.
00:15:15Well, you were nominated for your mid-season haircut.
00:15:17That's true.
00:15:18But you were beaten by Richard Hammond.
00:15:20Hold on.
00:15:21Why was he beaten by me?
00:15:23Well...
00:15:25I would invite you all now to pay careful attention to,
00:15:28well, actually, a clip from the McLaren film that you saw earlier.
00:15:32This was an early edit, okay?
00:15:34See if you can spot something wrong here.
00:15:36On the head turn-o-meter, this thing definitely matches the Ferrari 488 and the Lamborghini Huracan.
00:15:42And then when we move on to the subject of power and speed, it actually beats them.
00:15:48APPLAUSE
00:15:51A deserving winner.
00:15:53You switched to a completely different car.
00:15:55Yeah.
00:15:56Which brings us on to the next award.
00:15:59Oh, no.
00:16:00Which, yes, you'll like this.
00:16:01It's for accidentally filling up the petrol tank of a supercar with water award.
00:16:07Oh, God.
00:16:09How, in the name of all that's holy, did you do that?
00:16:16Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
00:16:17It is.
00:16:18And it was running low on fuel at the track, and rather than take it off to a petrol station,
00:16:22which is miles away, I filled it from one of the jerry cans.
00:16:26Which was full of water?
00:16:27Yes.
00:16:28And you didn't notice?
00:16:29No.
00:16:30When did you notice?
00:16:31When the tea started tasting funny, I suppose.
00:16:34LAUGHTER
00:16:36It was when the engine sort of let go.
00:16:40LAUGHTER
00:16:41How many supercars have you destroyed this year, Hammond?
00:16:43LAUGHTER
00:16:44Two.
00:16:45Two?
00:16:46How many have you driven?
00:16:48Two.
00:16:49LAUGHTER
00:16:50Well, anyway, I'd like to present you with your Nigel...
00:16:54LAUGHTER
00:16:55..for appalling continuity.
00:16:57There you are.
00:17:00Thank you very much.
00:17:01APPLAUSE
00:17:03That concludes the awards and that concludes Conversation Street for this week.
00:17:08Moving on.
00:17:09After every single film we ever show on the Grand Tour,
00:17:13we always get a load of messages from people on social media,
00:17:16I say people, I mean teenagers,
00:17:18saying that they didn't like the film because it was too scripted,
00:17:21too faked and too set up.
00:17:23Yeah.
00:17:24I've got one of them here.
00:17:25It's from Monaroboy4541, who says,
00:17:30I hated that thing you did in Morocco because it was too scripted.
00:17:34Why can't you do stuff like you did in Portugal?
00:17:37Which I also hated because it was too set up.
00:17:39LAUGHTER
00:17:40Yeah, so we decided to make a completely unplanned film.
00:17:44No scouts going ahead to find locations,
00:17:47no pre-scripted exchanges between us,
00:17:49no set-up explosions.
00:17:51No.
00:17:52All we agreed on was that we should do whatever it was
00:17:55we were going to do in Croatia.
00:18:02We chose to meet in the town of Zdar,
00:18:05next to its famous sea organ.
00:18:07Not realising that this wave-powered machine
00:18:13makes a terribly annoying noise.
00:18:16But I ploughed on regardless.
00:18:20This is an Audi TT RS.
00:18:23Four-wheel drive, five-cylinder, turbocharged,
00:18:27two and a half litre engine.
00:18:290-60, three and a half seconds.
00:18:31Really, you can think of it as a Nissan GT-R
00:18:34in a Bauhaus baby grow suit.
00:18:37No, that's...
00:18:38Hang on.
00:18:40Sorry, I normally think...
00:18:43I normally think of this before I get here.
00:18:44Hang on, it's a...
00:18:45It's a GT-R...
00:18:48with a well-grewed scrotum.
00:18:50No, that's...
00:18:54Before I'd had a chance to come up with the right words,
00:18:58Richard Hammond arrived in an aerial nomad.
00:19:01This is an aerial nomad.
00:19:04I know, I've already said that in voiceover.
00:19:06Why didn't you bring a Porsche?
00:19:08You could have brought that Porsche...
00:19:10What is it?
00:19:11The new one?
00:19:12No, the one that was the Cogster.
00:19:13That is now the 971...
00:19:15The 718.
00:19:16Yes, that.
00:19:17Why didn't you bring that?
00:19:18Yes, because I brought this.
00:19:19Nobody's gonna say,
00:19:20so I buy an Audi or some scaffolding.
00:19:22I grant you, it's...
00:19:23No, because they're both...
00:19:25What?
00:19:26Cars.
00:19:27Are they the same price? No.
00:19:28Do they have the same performance? No.
00:19:29Are they for the same thing? No.
00:19:32As we argued about our mismatched cars,
00:19:35James arrived...
00:19:37In an even more mismatched Lada Reaver.
00:19:41Well, that's not gonna work, is it?
00:19:43I mean...
00:19:44This...
00:19:45Is...
00:19:46A Lada Reaver.
00:19:48We know, we've already said.
00:19:49I'm talking to the viewers.
00:19:51No, but they already know, don't they?
00:19:52I said it in voiceover.
00:19:53You haven't said voiceover yet.
00:19:55No, he has, he's done voiceover.
00:19:56I've done voiceover.
00:19:57He said mine in voiceover as well.
00:19:58This is whatever Jeremy said it was.
00:20:00And I paid just £800,
00:20:02which leaves me £1200,
00:20:04for the all-important modifications.
00:20:06And that is plenty.
00:20:07Eh?
00:20:08What modifications?
00:20:09The modifications to turn it into a fire engine.
00:20:11We're gonna turn them into fire engines.
00:20:13Who said anything about...
00:20:14I'm not.
00:20:15You've gotta turn your car into a fire engine
00:20:16using the money you haven't spent
00:20:17out of the budget on the car.
00:20:18I've spent £800...
00:20:19I've just borrowed that from Audi.
00:20:20Exactly, I made a phone call.
00:20:21Gonna borrow a Nomad.
00:20:22Well, if you don't turn it into a fire engine,
00:20:24you won't win the competition, will you?
00:20:25I'm not in the competition to turn it into!
00:20:27You are in the competition!
00:20:28James, we have tried time and again
00:20:30to think of a way
00:20:31that you could turn something into an amusing fire engine.
00:20:33It can't be done.
00:20:34The fire engine already exists.
00:20:35It's brilliant.
00:20:36Yes.
00:20:37It's already more compact than you'd expect,
00:20:38faster than you'd expect.
00:20:39It can fit the firemen in it and the water.
00:20:41And they work very well.
00:20:43Exactly.
00:20:44That's the challenge.
00:20:45You're only saying you're not gonna turn that into a fire engine
00:20:47because it's an air hostess car.
00:20:48It is not!
00:20:49Have you checked the boot to make sure the luggage hasn't moved
00:20:51during the journey?
00:20:52Then our unscripted film got even more unscripted.
00:20:56I'm a selfie.
00:20:58Well...
00:20:59OK.
00:21:00That's really up to you if it's a selfie.
00:21:02I mean...
00:21:03It's a bit awkward, though.
00:21:04If I do it, I'll get us all in.
00:21:05I'm better at this, OK?
00:21:06If I flip the screen, I can get everybody in.
00:21:07Could it maybe wait?
00:21:08Flip the screen.
00:21:10There you go.
00:21:11Real.
00:21:12Come on, let's do whatever we're doing.
00:21:14Doors to manual.
00:21:15Cross-check.
00:21:16OK.
00:21:17No air hostess jokes.
00:21:19Is that seat back upright?
00:21:20Where are we going?
00:21:21Well, let's just go.
00:21:23This is the point at which we set off.
00:21:25We always do that.
00:21:26Chat-chat-chat.
00:21:27There'll be a line of voice-over.
00:21:28OK.
00:21:29I'll put some voice-over in that says...
00:21:31Hang on.
00:21:32It'll say, since we weren't able to decide what we were doing,
00:21:35we all went in different directions.
00:21:36OK.
00:21:37If he'd thought about it in advance, Richard would have found a quarry in which he could test his action lifestyle nomad.
00:21:55But he hadn't.
00:21:56So?
00:21:57Yeah.
00:21:58We've...
00:21:59I don't feel I'm exploring the outer reaches of this car's potential in this traffic.
00:22:13Because I had sat-nav, I fared better.
00:22:19And found the perfect road to open the taps in this brilliant little TT.
00:22:25The engine in this car is an absolute masterpiece.
00:22:47You've got as near as makes no difference.
00:22:50400 horsepower.
00:22:56And then there's that sort of deep bass drum of talk all the time.
00:23:04Listen to the noise it makes.
00:23:05It sounds like...
00:23:09Sounds like...
00:23:14It sounds like...
00:23:17It's like...
00:23:19It sounds like a bear that's trodden on a plug.
00:23:21Plug?
00:23:22I don't know.
00:23:23A bear would go out, wouldn't it?
00:23:29Soon I'd got it worked out.
00:23:33Listen to that!
00:23:36It sounds like a happy hippopotamus.
00:23:38You'd imagine that putting this much power and this much torque...
00:23:49Hey, Jeremy, do you have to put your phone in flight mode when you drive one of those?
00:23:54Well, the builder appears to be here in his scaffolding.
00:23:57Anyway, as I...
00:23:58Checking round your feet makes sure there's nothing on the floor.
00:24:02As I was saying...
00:24:04You would imagine...
00:24:05Have you folded your tray table away, ready for when you start?
00:24:08You would imagine that putting this much power and this much torque in a TT would make it wayward and out of control.
00:24:16But no.
00:24:17Have you pointed out the lavatory?
00:24:19There's nothing for it. I'm gonna have to lose him. Get out of radio range.
00:24:24Right, Hammond. Goodbye. I'm losing you now.
00:24:29He probably thinks this is just a dude buggy with a number plane.
00:24:33There's no good on the road.
00:24:35I shall now prove that he's wrong.
00:24:39Charmed!
00:24:40Well, it looks like we've got ourselves an unscripted race here.
00:24:47Oh.
00:24:49Oh.
00:24:51Hang on a minute, wait.
00:24:53No.
00:24:55Well...
00:24:57Where's the road gone?
00:24:59If we'd sent Scouts out last week to check it out like we usually do, we'd have known about this and we wouldn't have done it.
00:25:14But we didn't.
00:25:15No.
00:25:16So we didn't?
00:25:17No.
00:25:18But the fact is, I really want to show you how fast this is.
00:25:22I'd like to see it in my mirror, but there's just one other thing before we do that.
00:25:26What?
00:25:27I really like a jumper.
00:25:28So, the situation is, we're going to have a race after we've bought him a jumper.
00:25:35Yeah.
00:25:36And while we're doing that, I should imagine, in the edit, they'll cut back to James and his stupid larder.
00:25:41Yeah.
00:25:43While those two were bumbling about, I'd found a workshop.
00:25:51Good.
00:25:52And some health and safety-obsessed locals.
00:25:59So I could convert my larder into a fire engine.
00:26:03Oh, yes.
00:26:05Meanwhile, back in the 21st century, Hammond had bought his jumper and we were looking for somewhere to have our drag race.
00:26:14It's a dual carriageway.
00:26:16No, it's got buses on it.
00:26:18You can't race where there's buses.
00:26:20And there was another problem as well.
00:26:22It was obviously a slow news week in Croatia, so we were being followed everywhere by the paparazzi and TV crews.
00:26:32We can't do it here.
00:26:33Everybody is filming this.
00:26:37This is impossible.
00:26:38How are you supposed to have a bloody race?
00:26:41Hammond, just pull over here.
00:26:43Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:26:45Three, two, one, go!
00:26:47Stop, stop, abort, abort.
00:26:53He's paparazzi.
00:26:55We can't do it here.
00:26:56It'll be in the Daily Mail.
00:26:58Luckily, though, Hammond then had a sudden burst of intelligence.
00:27:03Look, there's an airport sign.
00:27:05Oh, yes.
00:27:06Well spotted, Mr. Hammond.
00:27:09That's where we always have drag races, isn't it?
00:27:12Business as usual.
00:27:13Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
00:27:15However...
00:27:17There's a man with...
00:27:18This is like a news crew here.
00:27:19You're joking.
00:27:21Hello.
00:27:22We're just having a drive.
00:27:23Don't tell him we're doing a drag race.
00:27:24No, I'm not.
00:27:25It just said that on the radio.
00:27:27Hello.
00:27:28Hello.
00:27:29Are you having a nice time?
00:27:30Very nice, thank you.
00:27:31Look, so you can't be cross with me.
00:27:33You love Croatia?
00:27:34Absolutely, yes.
00:27:35So we're just having a drive around.
00:27:39Yeah.
00:27:43Right, runway's there.
00:27:44Jeremy's gone in to ask permission.
00:27:46Drag race, humiliation, end of, move on.
00:27:52What?
00:27:53Didn't nobody in?
00:27:54No.
00:27:55He says it's a commercial airport.
00:27:56They're not going to suspend flight operations for us to do a drag race.
00:27:59I mean, he has got a point.
00:28:00Yeah, I suppose so, but...
00:28:02Well...
00:28:03He also said if we'd have rung a couple of weeks ago,
00:28:05we might have been able to sort something out.
00:28:07There's a reason why we do that, isn't there?
00:28:08Yeah, exactly.
00:28:09Here's how I'd sum up unscripted television.
00:28:15You could sit and film a waste disposal unit
00:28:19all day long and every day long and transmit the pictures,
00:28:22hoping that one day a cat will fall into it.
00:28:24Or you could actually push a cat into it and get it over with.
00:28:32Whilst James continued with his stupid fire engine conversion...
00:28:37Richard and I drove about until eventually...
00:28:42we found an abandoned runway.
00:28:45Right, I'm ready.
00:28:47Do the tension thing before the race.
00:28:49Okay.
00:28:50Rev the engine.
00:28:51Yeah, he's got 400 brake horsepower, but his car is heavy.
00:28:55This only has 290 brake horsepower, but it only weighs 670 kilos.
00:29:00So, in actual fact, this has 400 brake horsepower per tonne.
00:29:05That doesn't.
00:29:09Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on, Hammond.
00:29:12How are we going to start it?
00:29:14Normally we have a production member with a jequered flag.
00:29:16We haven't got that.
00:29:17We'll start it on the radio.
00:29:18That's what we'll do.
00:29:19We'll start it on the radio.
00:29:20I'll do it.
00:29:21Okay?
00:29:22No, wait a minute.
00:29:23Hang on.
00:29:24No, I can't do it.
00:29:25I've got launch control.
00:29:26I need both hands.
00:29:27I can't do it.
00:29:28I have to put the radio away before it sets off.
00:29:29I've got nowhere to put it.
00:29:30Shall we...
00:29:31Why don't we just get a local person?
00:29:32Yeah, it's not different.
00:29:33Somebody just to wave a flag.
00:29:34Yes.
00:29:35Right, we'll cut back to James.
00:29:36And then when we get back, we'll have a local person.
00:29:38With Hammond and Clarkson's camera crew looking for a local person to start their pointless
00:29:55race, I was finally in business.
00:30:02So, here we are, just a few hours, and exactly £1,200 later, my fire engine.
00:30:08Now, my colleagues have been very quick to point out that the fire engine as a concept
00:30:13is very well established, but this is something different.
00:30:16You don't call the fire brigade.
00:30:18I patrol in your area, and you summon me if you need a fire putting out, like an ice
00:30:24windscreen van.
00:30:25And to that end, I have a siren.
00:30:29There is a large range of firefighting accoutrements on board.
00:30:33There are various hoses.
00:30:34We've got CO2 for electrical fires, fire blankets, sand.
00:30:39There's a water cannon here.
00:30:41See, if I just turn on that pump, steer with my knees, and put on the windscreen wipers,
00:30:47and extinguish the fire.
00:30:49There you go.
00:30:50And a lot of it comes through the window, and it...
00:30:53Jeez.
00:30:54Yeah, it's quite...
00:30:55I may have made it a bit more complicated than it needs to be.
00:30:58All I needed now was a fire to put out.
00:31:01And since this was an unscripted film, it had to be a real one.
00:31:05I'm going to put my light on, and my siren, just in case anybody needs me.
00:31:10I'm going to put my light on.
00:31:15As Mr. Softy continued to drive round looking for an unscripted fire, our camera crew had
00:31:21found a typical Croatian to start our race.
00:31:26Three, two, one, now!
00:31:33Sam!
00:31:41Don't worry, we didn't go anywhere.
00:31:43Um, oh, Jim.
00:31:45Yeah, I don't know where I was.
00:31:48My mind was elsewhere.
00:31:50I've had another idea.
00:31:52Why don't we use her as the finish line, and then get, I don't know, a sound recordist to do the start?
00:31:58Yeah, that works.
00:32:00Okay, problem's sorted.
00:32:02We have our starter.
00:32:03We've lost the distraction in quite a big way, actually.
00:32:13Three, two, one!
00:32:24I just cooked my clutch.
00:32:26Ah.
00:32:30That is one hell of a finishing line.
00:32:34Back at the start line, the news was bleak.
00:32:38I think I've broken that drive shaft end.
00:32:41As spare parts had to be sourced, I decided to take the finishing line for a spin in my functioning Audi.
00:32:48Woo-hoo!
00:32:49Hammond.
00:32:50I need to go to feed my pet.
00:32:53She's got to go and feed her cat.
00:32:56Right.
00:32:57You go off with the old man, I'll fix the car.
00:33:02Woo-hoo!
00:33:03Fire service is now available in your area.
00:33:07Back in town, fireman May still hadn't found anything to put out.
00:33:11Kiosk, not on fire.
00:33:13Ice cream shop, not on fire.
00:33:15People with shopping, not on fire.
00:33:19Are you having a fire?
00:33:21Your last chance to summon the local fire brigade if your mobile phone is ablaze.
00:33:26James eventually realized that in an unscripted world, he wasn't going to find a fire.
00:33:33So, he deployed his acting.
00:33:35Wait! Smoke!
00:33:37It looks as if somebody's bins caught fire.
00:33:41Not to worry, I can deal with that.
00:33:56Several hours later, with my car fixed, we were finally ready for our showdown.
00:34:06Let's do it then.
00:34:07Okay, let's do this.
00:34:08Let's sort this out.
00:34:19Three, two, one!
00:34:26Come on, baby, come on!
00:34:34No! Where's he come from?
00:34:36Oh, no!
00:34:50No!
00:34:53What's that?
00:34:55Since when did a finishing line have an opinion on a result?
00:35:00I'm better than him.
00:35:05I don't know why you're applauding. I really don't.
00:35:08Because there you are, the narrow boy.
00:35:11That is what unscripted television looks like.
00:35:14You've got 17 minutes of film there.
00:35:16Yeah.
00:35:17All we did was buy a jumper, which was actually a sweatshirt.
00:35:19It was.
00:35:20And have a ten-second drag race.
00:35:22That's all we did.
00:35:24Well, hang on a minute.
00:35:25I built a fire engine.
00:35:27It wasn't a very good fire engine.
00:35:28Yes, it was.
00:35:29I'm sorry, James, but your water cannon would only be any use of putting out a fire if the fire were on you windscreen wipers.
00:35:37Anything further away than that would be hopeless.
00:35:38I put out that bin fire.
00:35:39Yeah, the bin fire that you started.
00:35:42I did not start it.
00:35:43Yes, you did.
00:35:44Oh, I might have done a bit.
00:35:46You did a lot.
00:35:47Anyway, listen, we'll pick that up later on.
00:35:49Now, though, it's time for Celebrity Face Off.
00:36:04And once again, we're asking an important question.
00:36:07Who is the fastest classical singer in the world who has an interesting connection to the British motor industry?
00:36:14Many, many people we could have gone to for this one.
00:36:16But in the end, we selected two.
00:36:19And they are, and would you please welcome them now, Michael Ball and Alfie Ball!
00:36:23Oh!
00:36:28Gentlemen.
00:36:31Thank you very much.
00:36:33How are you?
00:36:34Have a seat.
00:36:35You can go out of the way.
00:36:37Both British this week.
00:36:40Welcome, gentlemen.
00:36:41Welcome, welcome.
00:36:42Now, I've just described you as classical singers, but actually that's not strictly true, is it?
00:36:45You're not?
00:36:46Well, it is for me.
00:36:47It's not for him.
00:36:48But no, classical music.
00:36:49How was it described in that movie in the loop?
00:36:51It was all vowels, which it is.
00:36:54Nobody likes classical music.
00:36:55Do that again.
00:36:58Do you want to come on tour?
00:37:00Whatever your music is, however, it is unbelievably popular.
00:37:03Last Christmas, you were number one with your joint album.
00:37:06Yeah.
00:37:07And that kept the Stones and Little Mix.
00:37:09Whoever the hell they are.
00:37:12Off the number one.
00:37:13And then this year, your album's keeping, what is it?
00:37:15The Stereophonics.
00:37:16We were number one.
00:37:17We went to number one again, and it's still, it's doing all right.
00:37:20Yeah, it's doing all right.
00:37:21Because I was looking, I was thinking, okay, so what sort of music is it?
00:37:23And I was looking on YouTube.
00:37:24Right.
00:37:25At clips of U2 singing.
00:37:26The audience is quite old.
00:37:29Those are Michael's fans.
00:37:31They're the ones that, do they smell of urine?
00:37:35No.
00:37:36No.
00:37:37No.
00:37:38Okay.
00:37:39We were just waiting.
00:37:40One of your audience said that they bought our album.
00:37:45So there is someone here who has our album.
00:37:46Where is she?
00:37:47Where is she?
00:37:48Where is she?
00:37:49There's a surprise.
00:37:52Come on, where are she?
00:37:53She's now denying it.
00:37:54Yes, she's denied.
00:37:55She's surrounded by a load of bikers, that's why.
00:37:57We've got to get onto these connections with motor industry, because that's what people
00:38:01are interested here.
00:38:02Right.
00:38:03Which is a genuinely fascinating thing that we've managed to find with you two.
00:38:05Because we'll start with you if we may.
00:38:06Sure.
00:38:07Michael, your dad was world sales chief for British Leyland.
00:38:10That's where he ended.
00:38:11He started off as an Austrian apprentice back in the 50s, and eventually ended up as world
00:38:16sales chief for BL under Michael Edwards and the whole Red Robbo scenario, and when
00:38:21they actually went bust.
00:38:23So you grew up in a British Leyland household?
00:38:28Totally, yeah.
00:38:29So how did you ever get to school?
00:38:31We did have some dogs.
00:38:34Did they make anything that wasn't a dog?
00:38:38No.
00:38:40My favourite had to be the Allegro Equipe.
00:38:44The ugliest guy, with the go fast and strife.
00:38:47With the go fast and strife.
00:38:48Yellow and brown go fast and strife.
00:38:50And matching nylon interior.
00:38:52But I thought, didn't your dad progress up to things like E-types?
00:38:55Yeah, I remember crashing the E-type.
00:38:57Taking me to school, funnily enough.
00:39:00Third day he had it, and someone, into the back of him, he went into the back of, well,
00:39:05underneath the lorry, because it was...
00:39:06Well, there's a lot of nose to go under a lorry, let's be honest with them.
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:09But he launched, the fascinating thing is he launched the Mini.
00:39:11Oh, of course.
00:39:12He was the guy, he was given a 500 quid budget.
00:39:14He was taken in by Isagonis and all of them.
00:39:16They said, this is the car, we want to make some headlines, do a thing with it.
00:39:20And he came up with this concept of it's magic, and put on one of the first ever car launches.
00:39:27Didn't he do the thing about how many things can you get in a Mini?
00:39:30That's right.
00:39:31That's absolutely right.
00:39:32Because it's become a huge thing for those of us old enough to remember.
00:39:33They were always seeing what they could get in a Mini.
00:39:35Yeah.
00:39:36It's like, 800 Boy Scouts.
00:39:38I'm going to move it on, if I may, to not your dad, but you, actually worked on the shop floor at TVR.
00:39:46I did.
00:39:47Were you there a while?
00:39:48Yeah, I was there for about two years, two or three years.
00:39:50There are some questions I've got about TVR, because I, as I understand, people who worked on the shop floor,
00:39:55would often, before the cars were painted or underneath the carpets and the boot floor, leave wood messages.
00:40:00Yeah.
00:40:01Is that true?
00:40:02Absolutely.
00:40:03There's a guy driving around in a TVR Griffith on the bonnet with a big penis shape on it.
00:40:09Underneath the bonnet.
00:40:10Before it was painted.
00:40:11There's a car door somewhere with Alfie's a twat.
00:40:14I think I've got that one.
00:40:17They basically got some things right about TVR.
00:40:21Because, I mean, you always think, no, they couldn't possibly have done this.
00:40:24If you've got a TVR and you lift up the carpet and the boot.
00:40:27There'll be a message somewhere, yeah.
00:40:28Because wasn't it a way of passing messages on to one another down, well, that wasn't really a production line, but...
00:40:33Yeah, that was, you know, the, um, flat-in shop would pass a message down to the paint shop,
00:40:38and, yeah, usually rude and annoying, but, yeah.
00:40:41Didn't they used to spray the backs of your heads as well with...
00:40:44Yeah, they'd come up to you and just straight across the back of your neck.
00:40:47Which, with the paint?
00:40:48Which was cyanide.
00:40:49Yeah, it was.
00:40:50Cyanide-based paint.
00:40:51Why did TVR use...
00:40:53I came out in a bit of a rash, but I'm all right now.
00:40:55Why did they use cyanide paint?
00:40:57Just because it was the metallic feel that they'd get from it, that real crisp.
00:41:01Oh, it looked like a metal flake thing.
00:41:02Yeah, yeah, cos, you know.
00:41:04So that must have hurt?
00:41:05Well, it sprayed in cyanide.
00:41:06It did a little bit.
00:41:07It stung for a while.
00:41:09It was, the worst thing is, was being shoved through the powder-coating room.
00:41:13That really, that really got onto your skin.
00:41:17That itched like crazy, that did.
00:41:19That was rough.
00:41:20It's a wonder TVR went out of business, isn't it?
00:41:22It actually went, how did that happen?
00:41:24Cos they had the engine, presumably your dad's engines, weren't they?
00:41:27Cos they were using the V8s from...
00:41:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:41:29From the Rover V8s.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:31They built this engine bay, and they put this, they mounted this engine on a plinth,
00:41:34and then stuck the exhaust into this metal box, bricked around the metal box,
00:41:39fired it up on the first test of one of the engines,
00:41:42and they didn't turn the extractor fan on.
00:41:45Oh, God.
00:41:46So this box, this metal box was turning into this huge bomb, basically.
00:41:52It backfired, lit up everything, bricks flying everywhere,
00:41:55all the paint work, cars were smashed to pieces with bricks,
00:41:58and the metal work, and the foreman came up and said,
00:42:01what's wrong?
00:42:02So just get on with it.
00:42:03Come on, clean up.
00:42:04You're all right.
00:42:05And that was it.
00:42:06Was anyone ever killed there?
00:42:07Um, not as...
00:42:08Oh, there was a guy, yeah.
00:42:09Yeah.
00:42:10Yeah.
00:42:11Yeah.
00:42:12Yeah.
00:42:13Yeah.
00:42:14Yeah.
00:42:15Yeah.
00:42:16Yeah.
00:42:17He, um, he, uh, I think...
00:42:20We're laughing.
00:42:21Yeah, I know, it was crazy.
00:42:22It was awful.
00:42:23Yeah, he did.
00:42:24He went in the spray booth without his mask on
00:42:26and just started spraying Kildover, and that was it.
00:42:28Well, the science...
00:42:29So he's posing himself a song.
00:42:30Yeah, it was crazy.
00:42:31But the paint job was good.
00:42:33He was so pretty.
00:42:34Oh, done it!
00:42:36So how did you get from there to singing?
00:42:39Well, I was working in the factory
00:42:41and working on a Griffith, um, and I was polishing it away,
00:42:44and, um, this guy was overhearing me singing along to the radio.
00:42:50And he said, um, you know, you've got a good voice,
00:42:52you should try out for this company in London.
00:42:55And I took the day off work, went down to London,
00:42:59and, uh, sang for this company and got taken on.
00:43:02Came back to TVR, handed in my notice,
00:43:04and my foreman went crazy.
00:43:06He said, what do you want to go and do that for?
00:43:08Singing?
00:43:09I said, why do you want to leave this job?
00:43:10You're on 60 quid a week.
00:43:12LAUGHTER
00:43:13Well, there we are, then.
00:43:15Didn't you try to get Michael to give you a leg up in the music business?
00:43:18When I was at college, I stayed in the same area of London
00:43:22that he was living in at the time.
00:43:24I was renting a room and I posted a note through his door
00:43:27to see if he'd give us a bit of advice
00:43:29and, um, never heard a f***ing thing.
00:43:32LAUGHTER
00:43:34See, you look nice.
00:43:35Oh, I know.
00:43:36You have that nice-looking face,
00:43:38but actually beats a cold heart.
00:43:40Oh, I'm a cold bastard.
00:43:42LAUGHTER
00:43:43I mean, no, I still haven't given him anything.
00:43:45Could you remember it?
00:43:46You don't remember the postcard?
00:43:47No!
00:43:48Mindy, your house burnt down.
00:43:49Yeah, it did.
00:43:50Did you do that?
00:43:52Well, I didn't hear anything from him, you know.
00:43:54It's the only way forward.
00:43:56So, anyway, you're here in the depths of the English countryside,
00:44:00and how did it go on the track?
00:44:02I'm dreading this, man.
00:44:04Are you?
00:44:05I loved every second.
00:44:06I was told that there is quite a bit of needle
00:44:08between who is the fastest today.
00:44:09Yeah.
00:44:10LAUGHTER
00:44:11Well, there's a big dinner right now.
00:44:12Yeah, there is a dinner right now.
00:44:13A really major dinner.
00:44:14So, who should we go with first?
00:44:16Let's have a look at...
00:44:18Michael's now.
00:44:19OK.
00:44:20Here we are.
00:44:21And it's a smooth start.
00:44:23Up into second.
00:44:25Pedal to the mill.
00:44:26Well, pedal to the carpet.
00:44:28Now, I like to break halfway through this one.
00:44:31And you do as well.
00:44:32And it makes sense, because then you've got more speed going...
00:44:34Yes, exactly.
00:44:35...on to the tricky bit, which is coming up now,
00:44:38because we've run out of money.
00:44:39And there it is.
00:44:40The gravel, really.
00:44:42Oh, keeping it quite tidy through there,
00:44:45and tidy through there as well.
00:44:47Who the tells us gravel on a racetrack?
00:44:50Oh, dear.
00:44:51We haven't got the money.
00:44:52Right, now, you've got to...
00:44:53This is the...
00:44:54I can't remember what it's called.
00:44:55Gravel Cell.
00:44:56That's what it is.
00:44:57Named off the carousel of the Nurburgring.
00:44:59Onto the difficult bit.
00:45:00Two.
00:45:01Is that any good?
00:45:02No, that's pretty good, actually.
00:45:03Quite slow.
00:45:04You know, because sometimes if you keep it tidy
00:45:05and it looks slow, it's actually fast.
00:45:07That's a hard corner.
00:45:08Because it always is more slippery than you think.
00:45:11Right, now, smoothly on to the main strip.
00:45:15Well, not smoothly.
00:45:16Virtually stopping.
00:45:17And...
00:45:18I'm loving this.
00:45:19Good.
00:45:20Now, this is supposed to be flat.
00:45:21It's quite greasy out there today,
00:45:22so you probably wouldn't be.
00:45:24That's...
00:45:25Oh, yeah, no, you definitely aren't.
00:45:27Right, final corner coming up now.
00:45:29Harder the ball.
00:45:30More understeer.
00:45:31Not as bad as last week,
00:45:32but there we are across the line.
00:45:34I mean...
00:45:37Well, who knows?
00:45:39I didn't crash.
00:45:40You definitely didn't crash.
00:45:43Slow and steady wins the race,
00:45:45or gets around.
00:45:46What's that?
00:45:47These are the times,
00:45:48but we're not going to reveal them
00:45:50until we've had a look at Alfie Nooks,
00:45:52as we like to call you all week
00:45:54when you were coming on.
00:45:55Yes, yes.
00:45:56Right, let's have a look at Alfie's lamp.
00:45:58Oh, fog's come down.
00:45:59He gets special effects.
00:46:00Right, and he's disappeared.
00:46:03All right, Barley, I'm coming after you.
00:46:05God, that really is a pea super.
00:46:08Could you see all right?
00:46:09No, it was...
00:46:10Oh, there's an excuse.
00:46:11You should say yes.
00:46:12Yeah, I was fine.
00:46:14That's nice and smooth through there.
00:46:16Now, are you exuberant on the gravel?
00:46:19Let's have a look as we come up here.
00:46:21Oh, that's wide.
00:46:24Oh, this gravel turn is as wide as Michael's vibrato.
00:46:34That traction control is really letting you have some angle there,
00:46:37as we come now to the difficult bit too.
00:46:39Cutting that corner nicely, sliding wide on that one.
00:46:43Very different styles you two have got here.
00:46:46God, that really is fish tailing down there.
00:46:49On to the tarmac once again.
00:46:53We'll ignore that.
00:46:54Yeah.
00:46:55And then...
00:46:56That's illegal.
00:46:57You almost stopped as well.
00:46:58Now, here we go.
00:46:59Come on, you f***ing eye!
00:47:01I've never had you as a swearist.
00:47:03Right, now, that seems fast but wide.
00:47:07Oh!
00:47:08He's off, he's off.
00:47:09Now he's back on.
00:47:11Stopping.
00:47:12Why is...
00:47:13Sorry.
00:47:14Again!
00:47:15Across the line.
00:47:17I actually don't like this bit.
00:47:21Having to reveal the times to two people when it really matters.
00:47:25Really matters.
00:47:26It does.
00:47:27An awful lot.
00:47:28Anyway, what the times here?
00:47:29Are you nervous?
00:47:30I'm really nervous.
00:47:31I've shat myself.
00:47:33It smells like one of your audiences.
00:47:37He's getting...
00:47:38I'm coming again!
00:47:44Right.
00:47:48Michael Ball.
00:47:49Yes.
00:47:50You did it.
00:47:51In one minute, 23.3.
00:47:56God, my heart is pounding.
00:47:58Alfie Bow.
00:47:59One minute.
00:48:0120...
00:48:02Four.
00:48:04Four.
00:48:05Point four.
00:48:06Oh!
00:48:07APPLAUSE
00:48:18Too exuberant.
00:48:19I think too exuberant.
00:48:21You probably had more fun.
00:48:23Yeah.
00:48:24But you were faster.
00:48:25Really?
00:48:26My, actually, 1.1 seconds.
00:48:281.1 seconds?
00:48:29Yeah, do you want me to say it again?
00:48:30Would you mind?
00:48:31LAUGHTER
00:48:32It's not the winning, it's the taking part.
00:48:35LAUGHTER
00:48:36So, there we are, ladies and gentlemen.
00:48:41Alfie Bow and the fastest classical singer,
00:48:44with a connection to the British motor industry.
00:48:46Michael Ball!
00:48:47Thank you!
00:48:48APPLAUSE
00:48:49Come on.
00:48:50Gentlemen.
00:48:51APPLAUSE
00:48:52Now, this week, we are in Croatia.
00:49:00making a totally unplanned and unscripted film,
00:49:03in which we attempt to turn cars into fire engines.
00:49:07No, James, we are not.
00:49:09Well, I am.
00:49:10Yes, but to be quite clear,
00:49:11Jeremy and I are doing something completely different.
00:49:15Having proved that my Audi was faster in a straight line
00:49:27than Richard's Honda-powered Nomad,
00:49:29I was now determined to show him it was also faster at rallying.
00:49:34I'm confident for several reasons.
00:49:37It's got four-wheel drive, it's got a differential that moves the power
00:49:41to whichever wheel is best able to handle it at any given moment,
00:49:45and it has a fabulous gearbox.
00:49:47But most of all, I'm confident because this is the first Audi I've ever driven
00:49:52that has a front on it.
00:49:54What I mean by that is it has a front end that goes where you point it.
00:49:59You flick the wheel and it goes in the direction you've selected.
00:50:03There's no understeer.
00:50:04You then have to sort out the back end, obviously, but that's OK.
00:50:07That's what all top drivers, such as myself, want.
00:50:14Does that mad old ape really believe his air hostess chariot
00:50:19will stand a chance off-road against this custom-built off-road racer?
00:50:27Has he got £3,000 worth of Fox off-road long-travel coilover suspension?
00:50:34No, he hasn't.
00:50:35Can he glance out the side and see exactly how his wheels are positioned?
00:50:40No, he can't.
00:50:41Does he have a hydraulic handbrake?
00:50:43No.
00:50:44Does it weigh just 670 kilograms?
00:50:47No, he weighs more than that.
00:50:50All we needed to sort this out was a loose-surface gravel track of some kind.
00:50:57Obviously, nothing planned. We just drive around so we find somewhere.
00:51:01Can't do it there. Too many trees.
00:51:06That's just a little bit of gravel.
00:51:08Can't go in there. That's an orchard. Somebody will be cross.
00:51:12Must be somewhere.
00:51:15Meanwhile, after his success with the staged bin fire,
00:51:18James was now getting carried away.
00:51:20Ah, looks like a job for me.
00:51:22Ah, looks like a job for me.
00:51:23Oh.
00:51:24Ah!
00:51:35My pleasure.
00:51:36Oh.
00:51:37Back out in the countryside, Richard and I had stopped by some nice lakes.
00:51:48But because this was an unscripted film, we didn't have much to say about them.
00:51:59I like the waterfalls.
00:52:00Yeah, the waterfalls are nice.
00:52:02What's your favourite of the waterfalls?
00:52:09I like that one.
00:52:10I like that big one.
00:52:13Yep.
00:52:14Oh.
00:52:16Hold that a minute.
00:52:18Right, I've done a quick chart of how we're performing so far.
00:52:23We aren't...
00:52:24I'm not performing.
00:52:25Right, economy.
00:52:27Three points for me.
00:52:28Most economical, obviously, followed by Hammond 2U1.
00:52:30Top speed, it's the other way round.
00:52:32You're the fastest.
00:52:33Three points, two for you and one for me, the slowest.
00:52:35Now, value, you get a point for every pound you save under the £2,000 budget,
00:52:41but you lose a point for every pound you go over it, OK?
00:52:44So I am winning that.
00:52:46My car was £800.
00:52:48I score 1,200.
00:52:51You, minus 65,000...
00:52:55Don't... I think there's something wrong with it.
00:52:57600... 645.
00:52:59I can't write on a vertical surface.
00:53:01OK, let's have a writing competition.
00:53:03You lose.
00:53:04Yeah, I will.
00:53:04But that's not in it.
00:53:05Hang on, your car, you lose minus 48,000.
00:53:09Well, that can't be minus anything.
00:53:10Hang on, hang on.
00:53:11Have you included his optional windscreen?
00:53:13Don't encourage him.
00:53:15Is that optional?
00:53:16It's an optional windscreen.
00:53:17How much is it?
00:53:181,500 quid.
00:53:19Mine is 1,500.
00:53:21That's interesting.
00:53:22Which is, minus minus is a plus, which is a minus.
00:53:24This is very riveting, but it's irrelevant.
00:53:27It's not irrelevant.
00:53:28It is irrelevant.
00:53:28It's like saying, Jeremy, you lost to Manchester United yesterday.
00:53:32I wasn't there, and I wasn't taking part.
00:53:34You are taking part in this.
00:53:35I'm not.
00:53:36Yes, you are.
00:53:37Just because you can't be bothered and you've done it wrong, you're losing.
00:53:41Catch up here.
00:53:42You've got fires extinguished, water capacity.
00:53:45You can still claw it back for the total.
00:53:47But at the moment, mate, you're losing.
00:53:50Fires extinguished.
00:53:52So far, I've done two.
00:53:55Having thrown James's chart in the lake,
00:53:59Hammond and I resumed our search for a rally stage.
00:54:03And soon, we found one.
00:54:08This would be perfect for our timed shootout.
00:54:15Hammond elected to go first.
00:54:18Right.
00:54:19This bush is the start-finish line, okay?
00:54:21Okay.
00:54:22Yes.
00:54:22Good.
00:54:22No, hang on.
00:54:23I don't trust you to time me.
00:54:25I'm not.
00:54:27Sylvia is.
00:54:28Oh, great.
00:54:29The human finish line.
00:54:30Yes.
00:54:39This is it.
00:54:42Little touch of the brakes.
00:54:44Don't want to drift too wide.
00:54:49Too ultra-high means I've got to take advantage of every bit of grip I can find.
00:54:52A lot of rocks, a lot of rocks.
00:55:03A lot of rocks.
00:55:04Nice.
00:55:08Come on.
00:55:09Get your concentration on, Richard.
00:55:11Good.
00:55:25Now, glory.
00:55:26Everything we've got.
00:55:41Sylvia, what was the time?
00:55:43Two minutes, 5.7.
00:55:45Well, that's probably brilliant.
00:55:48Two minutes, 5.7. Right.
00:55:50Thank you, right.
00:55:50My turn.
00:55:51Okay.
00:55:52Watch and learn.
00:55:56Speed.
00:55:57Fast.
00:55:59Yeah, then.
00:56:00Go!
00:56:04Right.
00:56:05I have the whole car set up in its dynamic mode.
00:56:09So, the throttle response, the gearbox, the suspension are all now sharper than an architect's pencil.
00:56:19Jesus God's truth.
00:56:21I am not the world's best loose surfaces expert, not even in the top 20 million.
00:56:31But in a car like this, you feel like you have all the control you need.
00:56:36Absolutely unbelievable.
00:56:45And flick it in.
00:56:48That front end on this is just phenomenal.
00:56:51Oh, yeah.
00:57:04Totally unbounded.
00:57:19Finish line looks happy.
00:57:25Sylvia, what was the time?
00:57:27Perfect time.
00:57:28Two minutes, 3.7.
00:57:30Oh, come on!
00:57:32Really?
00:57:33That's just because she's nuts.
00:57:35She can't mess with time.
00:57:37Time is just an entity on its own.
00:57:39You can't mess around with it.
00:57:40No.
00:57:40No.
00:57:41No.
00:57:41Hammond, Hammond.
00:57:43No.
00:57:44Hammond!
00:57:44What?
00:57:44Hammond!
00:57:47May?
00:57:48What now?
00:57:49Where?
00:57:50Okay.
00:57:51No.
00:57:51Yes, yes, yes.
00:57:52I've got sat and I will find it.
00:57:54All right.
00:57:54Bye.
00:57:55He says he's organised a demonstration and he wants us to come and watch it.
00:58:00Watch it?
00:58:01Oh, well, yeah.
00:58:01I personally prefer to do another race of some sort.
00:58:04No.
00:58:05There's no point.
00:58:05In a swimming pool, perhaps?
00:58:06I think the finish line is biased.
00:58:08On a beach.
00:58:09Why don't we see it?
00:58:09Oh, let's go.
00:58:10I'd rather go and see James than be humiliated by another...
00:58:12Why don't we have a race in a sauna?
00:58:14No.
00:58:18As James was a fair few miles away,
00:58:23we had time to sum up what we'd learned about our cars.
00:58:28I know the Audi TT has an image problem.
00:58:31I know people think it's an air hostess's car.
00:58:36But the RS genuinely is different.
00:58:39The RS is like...
00:58:41Oh, not again.
00:58:45It's like...
00:58:47It's difficult to think of anyone who really needs a supercharged aerial nomad.
00:58:54Even an emergency off-road vet would have nowhere to put their tools to do anything when they got there.
00:59:00So it's useless.
00:59:01It's also drafty, expensive, noisy and brilliant.
00:59:07I adore it.
00:59:11It's the best toy in the world and what finer praise could you have for any car?
00:59:15Eventually, we met up with our colleague, who was eager to explain what he had in mind.
00:59:24I'm making a simulated bushfire, the start of a bushfire, to demonstrate how quickly my roving fire engine...
00:59:30You could just put it out before it develops into something like a massive conflagration.
00:59:34This bushfire, OK?
00:59:36Yes.
00:59:37...is going to start right next to a road.
00:59:39Which happens to be next to where you've parked your fire engine.
00:59:42I'm not... I'm going to drive in and put it out.
00:59:44But you know where it is! You've just started it!
00:59:46It's a demonstration, you morons!
00:59:48It's two and a half feet from a road! Bushfires happen miles out in the middle of...
00:59:53All right, go and build one out there, then.
00:59:55It doesn't make any difference.
00:59:56Why don't we do that?
00:59:57Why don't we go and start a fire for him?
00:59:58That's more realistic.
00:59:59Then you've got to travel to the fire wherever we've started it and put it out.
01:00:02Off you go.
01:00:06Having travelled a realistic distance from the road, we soon had a bushfire on the go.
01:00:11Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!
01:00:15Yes!
01:00:17That is speeding things up, isn't it?
01:00:19Isn't it?
01:00:20There you go.
01:00:21What it's doing is catching on.
01:00:23The wind moves it along and it gets bigger. It's quite good.
01:00:26It's brilliant.
01:00:27Another bit there, look.
01:00:29Then we told James to come and do his stuff.
01:00:32Relax, I am coming to put out the fire.
01:00:46However, because of his leisurely pace, the fire had grown a bit by the time he got there.
01:00:53Jeez.
01:00:59Pressure.
01:01:02It's too big!
01:01:05I've run out of water!
01:01:15This isn't gonna work!
01:01:17I think what we've established here is that he's only capable of putting out fires that he's started himself.
01:01:23Yeah, that are nearby and contained.
01:01:26Yeah.
01:01:27I haven't got anything left!
01:01:28Luckily, at this point, the real fire brigade arrived.
01:01:34The fire brigade arrived.
01:02:04Thank you!
01:02:09Thank you!
01:02:10Thank you!
01:02:20It's a six-tonne lump of water.
01:02:22Hold on.
01:02:23Hold on, hold on.
01:02:24Let's have a look at the final scores on my water-damaged scoreboard.
01:02:27No, James.
01:02:28Because...
01:02:29No, James.
01:02:30No, there's no point.
01:02:31You get minus a million because that was the cost of the real fire brigade that had to come.
01:02:34And I get plus a million for winning everything.
01:02:36No, hang on.
01:02:37The only reason your doors to manual Audi beat the magnificent Nomad is that you fed the finishing lines cat.
01:02:44And because it was faster and better in every way.
01:02:46It is a superb car, that TT, but you can't have one.
01:02:50Because of the air hostess thing?
01:02:51No, because I've driven three examples of it now and every single one has had squeaky brakes.
01:02:55You can hear it in the film.
01:02:56And it drives you mad.
01:02:57No, that's unforgivable.
01:02:58Absolutely nuts.
01:02:59You can't have one.
01:03:00And on that terrible disappointment and that total waste of time, it's time to end.
01:03:03Thank you very much for watching.
01:03:04Have a very happy new year.
01:03:05Unless you're watching this in April, in which case, whatever.
01:03:07Goodbye.
01:03:37Bye.
01:03:38Bye.
01:03:39Bye.
01:03:40Bye.
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