- 2 days ago
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:01:00Hello, everybody.
00:01:02Hello.
00:01:06Thank you so much.
00:01:08Thank you, everybody.
00:01:10Wow.
00:01:12Noisy bones.
00:01:15Thank you, everybody.
00:01:16Thank you, thank you, and welcome.
00:01:18And in this week's show...
00:01:22Locke, Scott, and two smoking beavers.
00:01:35Now, thanks, everybody.
00:01:37Thank you, thank you.
00:01:38Now, I want to begin by talking about money.
00:01:41Bear with us on this one.
00:01:42You see, if you put £35,000 in a saving account in the year 2000, you'd now have around £60,000.
00:01:51However, if you put that same £35,000 into an e-type Jaguar, you'd now have £100,000.
00:02:00Yeah, just about everything, even remotely rare or interesting, is worth a fortune these days.
00:02:05Aston Martin DB5, that'll cost you £750,000.
00:02:10Ferrari Daytona, £600,000.
00:02:13A Pagoda Roof Mercedes SL, that'll set you back at least £75,000 now.
00:02:17You know, it's not just exotic cars, either.
00:02:19Ford Escort Mexico, OK?
00:02:21Humdrum car.
00:02:22That's a £60,000 thing these days.
00:02:25£60,000.
00:02:26Yeah, it is.
00:02:26However, there are one or two rare and interesting cars that seem to have slipped through the net,
00:02:33whose prices haven't yet gone through the ceiling.
00:02:37So, we decided to get out there and see which of us was best at spotting that investment opportunity.
00:02:45Exactly.
00:02:46So, we each bought a classic car, and then to see which one of us had got the best deal,
00:02:51we took the grand tour to what one of our producers, who's Scottish,
00:02:54always says is the best, most beautiful place on earth.
00:03:00Scotland.
00:03:08We chose for our meeting point a quaint fishing port near Inverness.
00:03:16And I was the first to arrive in an Alfa Romeo GTV6.
00:03:22classic car enthusiasts are running around like they're in a zombie movie, and it's Black Friday.
00:03:37But, no, I bought this from an 83-year-old man who'd had it since new and was only selling it because his 84-year-old wife found it so difficult to get in and out of, you know.
00:03:52It's only done 26,000 miles, and yet it cost £10,000.
00:03:57And £10,000, that's a round of drinks in the world where this sort of thing belongs.
00:04:03Oh, hello. James May in a Lancia Gamma Coupe.
00:04:09It's one of the prettiest cars ever made, but don't tell him I said that.
00:04:12One in May.
00:04:17How much?
00:04:18£13,500.
00:04:20Oh, so £3,500 more than I paid for this vastly superior Alfa Romeo.
00:04:27Well, £13,500 is a bargain for a car that is coach-built and extremely rare and beautiful.
00:04:33But it isn't exotic like this is.
00:04:35What do you mean it's not exotic?
00:04:37OK, may I just talk you through some of this car's features, yes?
00:04:41Transaxle, gearbox at the back, twin plate clutch, discs all round.
00:04:45Wow.
00:04:46Unusual at the time.
00:04:47One of the best engines ever made, 2.5-litre V6.
00:04:50Those aren't my words, by the way.
00:04:51They are the words of James May in Car Magazine.
00:04:54Yes, I did say that.
00:04:55You love this engine.
00:04:56I do.
00:04:56And this has won the European Touring Car Championship four years on the track.
00:05:01It won the British Touring Car Championship.
00:05:02This has got race breeding as well.
00:05:04What, the Gamma?
00:05:05It's a Lancia.
00:05:06They're the most successful rallying team in history.
00:05:10Not my words, the words of Jeremy Clarkson.
00:05:12And that is a better-looking car.
00:05:14What is this?
00:05:15Yes.
00:05:16It is superb.
00:05:18It's not superb.
00:05:19I'll tell you what's not superb.
00:05:21Richard Hammond arriving in a Fiat X19.
00:05:26How much?
00:05:28£2,250.
00:05:32Somebody saw you coming, Hammond.
00:05:34What for a baby Ferrari?
00:05:35£2,200.
00:05:36Did you just call it a baby Ferrari?
00:05:38He did.
00:05:38Because it is mid-engined Italian.
00:05:40It's exactly what it is.
00:05:41Well, listen to that sound.
00:05:43I know.
00:05:43That is the reassuring sound of tin on Russian steel.
00:05:48It's a light, bright, effervescent sound, just like the car.
00:05:52How many colours has this car been?
00:05:54It was black, then it was red, then it was white, then it was pale blue, and now it's purple.
00:05:59I'd like to add, actually, it's not how many colours has this car been.
00:06:02How many cars has this been?
00:06:04Well, quite.
00:06:05It's now going brown.
00:06:06Brown, yeah.
00:06:07All right, then.
00:06:08I'm not going to turn around and try and work out which Alfa you've bought.
00:06:12Ta-da!
00:06:12The best Alfa.
00:06:13It's a GTV6.
00:06:15Exactly.
00:06:16Yep.
00:06:17Why has it got this plastic bit in the middle of the bonnet?
00:06:19Genius.
00:06:20The engine in this car had a small issue.
00:06:23It used to backfire, well, frontfire, actually, and blow the top off the engine, yeah?
00:06:28So that would damage the bonnet, so they put this plastic panel, which was easier to replace.
00:06:32Why didn't they stop it backfiring?
00:06:35Oh, don't be ridiculous.
00:06:36They were busy.
00:06:37Lazy.
00:06:38Can I just ask?
00:06:39Hmm?
00:06:39What's that broom handle thing for?
00:06:41Ah, well, then, this is another characteristic of the GTV6, is that...
00:06:46When you park up, you need to keep the clutch pedal depressed, using a broom handle like that.
00:06:51Right.
00:06:51Otherwise, the clutch and the flywheel will fuse together.
00:06:54I see.
00:06:55You know, I used to own one of these, isn't it?
00:06:57Not a lot I don't know about it.
00:06:59Yeah.
00:06:59When you used to own one of these, how did you find the gear change?
00:07:02Um, smooth, sneaky.
00:07:04No, it wasn't, was it?
00:07:05No, those aren't quite the right ones.
00:07:07Terrible.
00:07:08What about second?
00:07:09Yeah, second?
00:07:11I don't know, I never found it.
00:07:12No, exactly.
00:07:13Yes, let's not get bogged down with some of the Alfa's minor design flaws.
00:07:19Disasters.
00:07:19Because all three of us have got classic cars.
00:07:22I have, yes.
00:07:23For good money.
00:07:24Mm-hmm.
00:07:24We're in Scotland, so why don't we take them on a drive in...
00:07:29Well, let's be honest, Scotland is just a road trip.
00:07:31Well...
00:07:31I agree.
00:07:32We could, while we're here, we could do the NC500.
00:07:36Which, I mean, that is supposed...
00:07:37Voted by Condé Nast Traveller magazine, voted it the best road trip in the world.
00:07:43Locks, mountains, it's just...
00:07:45All the pretty bits, yeah.
00:07:46I mean, no, it's all the best bits of Scotland.
00:07:48Right, 500 miles round the north coast of Scotland.
00:07:50In Italian, exotic cars.
00:07:51That would be...
00:07:52Oh, hang on.
00:07:52What?
00:07:54Text.
00:07:54Yeah.
00:07:56Mr. Willman.
00:07:57Mr. Willman.
00:07:59It says, those cars will not do 500 yards, leave alone 500 miles.
00:08:05So I provided three backup vehicles which you can use to get home when they go wrong and catch fire and explode.
00:08:14I was wondering what they were.
00:08:16Funny.
00:08:17How did he know we were going to do 500 miles?
00:08:20That's a good point, actually, because Hammond's only just suggested it.
00:08:24How did he know that?
00:08:25How did he get three possibilities?
00:08:28Putting Mr. Willman's psychic powers to one side, we climbed a board...
00:08:35...and set off into the giant oil painting that is Scotland.
00:08:48Ah.
00:08:50This isn't exactly like the tourist authority would have you believe, is it?
00:09:03It doesn't look like it looks on the shortbread tins.
00:09:08This render that they put on everything is like a sort of batter for houses, isn't it?
00:09:12Batter?
00:09:13I've battered my house.
00:09:18You can see why they want to be independent, can't you? Get away from us lot.
00:09:22Well, you wouldn't want people coming in and messing all this up, would you?
00:09:26I used to have a fiercely Scottish neighbour in London.
00:09:30Why would a Scottish person go and live in London?
00:09:33I don't know, because he'd do anything for Scotland, well, except live there.
00:09:37Was he called Sean Connery?
00:09:42Eventually, we cleared the fishing port and found ourselves on the open road, where we could get down to the business of enjoying our pedigree Italian classics and the Fiat.
00:09:54My car is just so refined and sophisticated and, in fact, really well looked after by its previous owner.
00:10:05It was obviously lovely, didn't it?
00:10:06One of my windscreen wipers just fell off.
00:10:16Oh, dear.
00:10:20You can't get out.
00:10:22We just lifted up.
00:10:24There you go.
00:10:24You just have to drive like that.
00:10:26James, can I just say you've done three miles?
00:10:29It's mended for now.
00:10:30Don't turn it on again.
00:10:31Let's just turn it on.
00:10:32I want to see what happens.
00:10:33All right, OK.
00:10:35You ready?
00:10:36In Scotland?
00:10:40In Scotland, you won't need it.
00:10:41That's the thing.
00:10:42Perfect.
00:10:42Because it never rains.
00:10:54Right, now we're alone, viewers.
00:10:56I can reveal that that windscreen wiper incident is really a bit of an aside compared with some of the other problems that this car has.
00:11:02Most of these relate to the engine, in particular, the way Lancia mounted the power steering pump on the end of one of the camshafts.
00:11:11Basically, you can't really use full lock, especially when the engine is cold, otherwise the engine will explode.
00:11:18The thermostat was fitted in the wrong place, which leads to overheating very suddenly, and then the engine can explode.
00:11:24And there were some problems with the gasket materials, which causes the coolant to mix with the oil with engine exploding sort of results, really.
00:11:34James, I heard Wednesdays can cause your car to explode, so you need to be careful tomorrow.
00:11:39Proximity to trees, lakes, grass, heather, grouse, or tartan, all those things cause it to explode, I'm sure.
00:11:50Look, I'm sitting here trying to explain to the viewers why the engine might explode, and I'm constantly interrupted with your stupid exploding engine jokes.
00:11:57OK, carry on, but do it quickly before the engine explodes.
00:12:02Meanwhile, in the GTV6...
00:12:06Oh, no, what's that?
00:12:07That's third, right, good, third.
00:12:13Fourth, yeah, fourth.
00:12:16Or is it fourth or second?
00:12:18I was getting reacquainted with all the peculiar little foibles.
00:12:22The driving position's not brilliant.
00:12:25Pedals are far too close to the seat, so you have to drive with your legs wide apart.
00:12:31Not so bad if you're a man.
00:12:33If you're a girl, though, trousers is a strategy you need to think about in the morning.
00:12:40However, despite all the weirdness, I do still absolutely love this thing.
00:12:46It was my ownership of a GTV6 that taught me what cars are all about.
00:12:54You need a personality, you need flaws for them to be human.
00:12:59And James May was right for the first time in his life, and only time in his life.
00:13:04This is one of the greatest engines ever made.
00:13:08The creamiest, the smoothest, and the most beautiful to listen to.
00:13:16That's not exhaust noise.
00:13:19That's an actual engine.
00:13:23As James and I enjoyed our classic thoroughbreds, Richard was driving along in his purple Fiat.
00:13:30Unleash 80 horsepower.
00:13:36Oh, this the only weighs 960 kilos.
00:13:41Fiat sold 170,000 X19s, so this doesn't have rarity like theirs does.
00:13:49But let's contrast rarity with the opposite, which is popularity.
00:13:54Because that's what this car was.
00:13:56Immensely popular.
00:13:59And I have the pop-up headlamps.
00:14:02Oh, yeah.
00:14:05I'm going to pop them down again now.
00:14:06I can do that whenever I want.
00:14:12One slight complaint about the Fiat.
00:14:14The pedals are very, very small and very close together.
00:14:18And if you try and operate them with, let's say, your feet,
00:14:22you'll find that your feet are too big.
00:14:25Really, you just need to use a toe on each.
00:14:27Soon, Hammond spotted a racetrack and suggested we have a go on it.
00:14:39And as we pulled up, it became clear that tiny pedals weren't his only problem.
00:14:45That's quite high revs.
00:14:57Yeah, idle's quite high, yeah.
00:14:58Is that its idle speed?
00:15:00Yes.
00:15:00It's keen.
00:15:04Since this was actually a go-kart track,
00:15:07it was too narrow for car racing.
00:15:10So I decided we should have a drifting competition.
00:15:15Come on, little Fiat.
00:15:25It doesn't work.
00:15:29It simply doesn't really have the power to throw its tail out properly.
00:15:38Even though my Alfa had twice the horsepower of the Fiat,
00:15:42things weren't great for me either.
00:15:45You can't unstick the tail of a GTV-6.
00:15:50You just can't.
00:15:51Ready?
00:15:52Just grip and more grip.
00:15:54I know Roger Moore drifted a GTV-6 in octopussy,
00:16:03but then he crashed into a fence and had to dress up as a clown.
00:16:10In the Gamma, I was confident I'd succeed where my colleagues had failed.
00:16:16Right, here we go, Lance here.
00:16:19It's one of the greatest names in rallying history.
00:16:22So, control drift should be second nature to this.
00:16:26So I approach that corner.
00:16:27Heel and toe it and...
00:16:28Brake, lift off.
00:16:40No.
00:16:42At this point, I suddenly remembered something important.
00:16:46This is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
00:16:47What was I thinking of?
00:16:49It's not going to drift.
00:16:50Happily, though, the enthralled local audience were able to find a solution.
00:16:59What I do is I take the rear wheels off, let the tyres down and put these plastic covers on,
00:17:04then pump the tyres back up again, put them back on.
00:17:06That gives the car the loose back end you want to drift.
00:17:09If these are just...
00:17:10This is like putting insulating tape on the back wheels of your Scalextric cars.
00:17:15Stand by.
00:17:17With no help from anyone else on this freezing day,
00:17:21the drift covers were soon fitted.
00:17:26Oh, here we go.
00:17:31Oh!
00:17:35Right, turn in.
00:17:37Get the drift going.
00:17:39This entertainment went on for quite some time.
00:18:05Nope.
00:18:06Until, eventually...
00:18:08Grab the brakes.
00:18:09In.
00:18:12And hold it, hold it.
00:18:13Turn the steering wheel!
00:18:14Turn the steering wheel!
00:18:16He did a thing to it.
00:18:17Yeeeesssss!
00:18:19Yes, yes, yes.
00:18:23This looks like a lot of fun.
00:18:25We're going to do that.
00:18:26We're going to try it.
00:18:27Oh, no, there's the only set.
00:18:29What, of those things?
00:18:30Yeah, they're the only set, so we can't do it.
00:18:31Well, no, we can make some.
00:18:33Did you ask if you could borrow this bit?
00:18:41No, but I won't need it.
00:18:45And rotate.
00:18:46This goes over.
00:18:48It'll require a little bit of persuasion.
00:18:53James May just drifted perfectly behind you.
00:18:55This is another of those weird days.
00:18:59With his tyre covers made, Hammond decided not to hold back.
00:19:03Oh, this is going to be...
00:19:14I mean, seriously, he's going to get to that corner and then...
00:19:17Where can the helicopter land?
00:19:24Here comes a drift.
00:19:26Here it comes.
00:19:27And drifting.
00:19:30Ah!
00:19:31It's completely out of control.
00:19:37Let's try...
00:19:38Let's just try again.
00:19:42Right, one of...
00:19:43That's fallen off.
00:19:45That could be interesting.
00:19:47And I am turning in.
00:19:51Drifting.
00:19:53Oh, no.
00:19:53I'm...
00:19:54No, there's...
00:19:54I've got no steering.
00:19:58Annoyingly, Hammond's dismal failure didn't stop him fitting his ridiculous contraptions to my precious Alpha.
00:20:05And insisting that I have a go.
00:20:09Think of the trouble Alfa Romeo went to to make this car exquisite.
00:20:14Think of the trouble that Pirelli went to to make this car exquisite.
00:20:17Think of the tyres grip properly.
00:20:19And then along comes Hammond with the bin.
00:20:23Whatever.
00:20:24Here we go.
00:20:24What was that noise?
00:20:34The whole car is vibrating.
00:20:36Yeah, that's a massive vibration.
00:20:43Hammond, you blithering idiot!
00:20:45You totally ruined this car!
00:20:48An inspection of the undersides revealed some grim news.
00:20:53That has come off.
00:20:54That has come off.
00:20:55So the prop shaft is now...
00:20:57Well, it's still joining the gearbox or the transaxle to the engine, but by a thread.
00:21:03And if I did anything more than rev it like that, it's going to come off.
00:21:06If I'm driving along, then that's the end of the Alpha.
00:21:10Well, that's interesting.
00:21:11My car's working and I'd like a drink.
00:21:13The hotel is about 25 miles away, so I think I'll get on with it, if you don't mind.
00:21:18You can't leave...
00:21:19No, you can't leave me now.
00:21:21What do you mean I can't leave you now?
00:21:22Well, it's...
00:21:23Have you seen...
00:21:24Have you seen how cold it is?
00:21:26I can't see how cold it is, but I can feel it.
00:21:28It actually just looks in the drizzle six, feels like two.
00:21:32Well, you know what would warm you up?
00:21:33What?
00:21:34A bicycle ride.
00:21:35It always does.
00:21:4120 miles through this freezing middle of nowhere.
00:21:48Hey, Richard the Hampster Hammond.
00:21:51Is your car warm and dry?
00:21:52I'm just checking.
00:21:53Yeah, I'm warm and dry.
00:21:54You warm and dry?
00:21:55I'm very warm and dry.
00:21:58Oh, I meant to ask, would you like a long gin and tonic sitting at a bar stool?
00:22:11Yes.
00:22:12Yes, I would.
00:22:13And we've only got, well, it's not far, in a car.
00:22:19Oh, God.
00:22:21Oh, come on!
00:22:23Rub it in!
00:22:25Seriously, rub it in!
00:22:28We're going to need to rehearse it.
00:22:38What?
00:22:39Well, what we say when he's found...
00:22:41Look, so we're on breakfast TV, you're on the sofa, yeah?
00:22:44Oh, OK, OK.
00:22:44Good morning.
00:22:45With me now is James May, that's how they speak,
00:22:47who has just learned of the sad demise of his co-host and colleague,
00:22:51Mr. Jeremy Clarkson.
00:22:52James, how do you feel that his body was found in a ditch with a bicycle this morning?
00:22:57Was it?
00:22:58Yes.
00:22:58No, that's not right, is it?
00:22:59Sorry, could you do that again?
00:23:00James.
00:23:00This is Radio, OK?
00:23:01Good morning.
00:23:02Five past nine.
00:23:03James May is with us.
00:23:04We only left this morning of the sad demise of...
00:23:06Oh, bugger.
00:23:08What?
00:23:09All of that rehearsing, mate.
00:23:11Waste of time.
00:23:12Ugh.
00:23:13Because he's outside right now, fighting with a bicycle lock by a fence.
00:23:18Oh, you look cold!
00:23:19It is cold.
00:23:20Oh, f***ing hell.
00:23:21Why won't this work?
00:23:23Paper boys can work one of those, mate.
00:23:25Oh, Steve, I don't care.
00:23:27He's left the key in it.
00:23:28What a muppet.
00:23:30Oh, God.
00:23:33Come on.
00:23:34Hammond!
00:23:37Hammond!
00:23:38Hammond!
00:23:38Ha, ha, ha!
00:23:43The next morning, the peaceful stillness was shattered by the cry of a distressed animal.
00:23:51Clarkson!
00:23:54Clarkson!
00:23:57Where's my roof?
00:24:03Right?
00:24:06Bastard!
00:24:11What was that?
00:24:11What?
00:24:13Oh, you are joking.
00:24:15No.
00:24:17No.
00:24:17No.
00:24:18He hasn't.
00:24:19He's not that sick.
00:24:20Morning.
00:24:21What?
00:24:21Morning.
00:24:22Yeah, whatever.
00:24:23Oh!
00:24:25Why have you driven over your own roof?
00:24:29Clarkson.
00:24:30He's sick.
00:24:34Enjoy your day on your bicycle, bastard.
00:24:37Bastard.
00:24:41Well, I'm cold now, obviously.
00:24:50Borrowed a jacket from a cameraman.
00:24:53He's 6'3 and 18 stone.
00:24:55I'm in a small, stylish Italian sports car.
00:25:01Supposed to be looking good.
00:25:02I look like a frostbitten gnome.
00:25:05Rotten trick, that.
00:25:07I wouldn't stand for it.
00:25:09Everything that worries me is he might get some exercise on his bicycle.
00:25:13Ha, ha, ha!
00:25:14Do you think he's already just become one of those embittered cyclists who hates anybody who's got a car?
00:25:19Oh, jeez.
00:25:26What?
00:25:27Oh, come on!
00:25:29No!
00:25:30Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:25:35He did not mend that.
00:25:38Very good.
00:25:49Now, I have to say, the only reason why we met on a beach full of oil rigs and then drove through a council estate full of hypodermic needles is to annoy, well, simply and only to annoy our Scottish producer.
00:26:03Yes, but we will not tell you Gav's name, we promise.
00:26:07No, we won't.
00:26:07We won't say his name.
00:26:09Anyway, look, it all gets a lot sunnier and prettier in part two when we finally get on the North Coast 500, and we'll pick that up later on.
00:26:17Yes, but now it's time to say hello to the old lady of debate who sits in the bus shelter of chat on Conversation Street.
00:26:30MUSIC PLAYS
00:26:35I don't remember that one.
00:26:40I don't remember that one.
00:26:40Anyway, I want to stick with the film in Scotland, if I may, James May, because at one point you said you put those plastic things on the back wheels of your Lancia.
00:26:48Mm-hmm.
00:26:48Because it was like putting insulating tape on the back wheels of a Scalextric car.
00:26:54Yeah.
00:26:54Who's ever done that?
00:26:56Well, I have.
00:26:57Yes, yes, but you said it like it's one of those things that everybody's done.
00:27:01It is.
00:27:02It's like saying, well, remember when you stole your first pair of tights?
00:27:05LAUGHTER
00:27:06That's what it's like, Hammond, when you've got Marmite on your testicles.
00:27:09Oh, yeah.
00:27:10Yeah, yeah.
00:27:11Hang on.
00:27:12Scalextric cars have too much grip.
00:27:14No, they don't.
00:27:14That's why they end up under the sofa, they haven't got any grip.
00:27:17Every corner they fly off.
00:27:18They've got too much grip, they oversteer suddenly and violently and you can't control it.
00:27:22If you put the insulating tape on the rear tyres, you reduce the grip and then you can slide them and drift them.
00:27:26Oh, my God, you have actually done that.
00:27:29You have bloody done it.
00:27:31Your childhood.
00:27:32Who here has put insulating tape or any form of tape on the rear wheels of a Scalextric?
00:27:37That's nobody at all.
00:27:39You there.
00:27:40There.
00:27:40How bored must you be to think, I know what I'll do today.
00:27:44Well, everyone apart from that lady over there has never put insulating.
00:27:50It's your worst explanation ever.
00:27:53No, no, it's not.
00:27:54It's not.
00:27:55His worst explanation ever was when we were doing that water speed record and he explains to you,
00:28:00to clear things up, how the boat controls, which you can operate, on our Pondberg, work the same way as aeroplane controls, which you can't operate.
00:28:10Exactly, that is the James May way, explaining something you do understand in a way that you don't understand.
00:28:16Look, hang on a minute, hold on a minute, you are a man who can't wind a wrist watch up without taking somebody's eye out,
00:28:22and you claimed in that film that you'd mended the prop shaft on that Alfa Romeo.
00:28:26I did.
00:28:27Did you?
00:28:28Well, I made a phone call.
00:28:29Did you?
00:28:30Same thing.
00:28:31No, I made a phone call and a man unbelievably drove all the way from Wiltshire to Inverness with the spare part that I needed.
00:28:38How generous.
00:28:39And then you mended it.
00:28:40Well, I watched.
00:28:41Yeah.
00:28:42Actually, this is the part that broke, you can see the bit that came out there, yes?
00:28:47Mm-hm.
00:28:48And apparently this is a known fault on a GTV6.
00:28:51Everything is a known fault.
00:28:53A GTV6 is a known fault.
00:28:56Shall we just move this along now?
00:28:58Yes, let's move it along to more actual conversation.
00:29:01Mm-hm.
00:29:02Land Rover has announced that 70% of people suffer from motion sickness,
00:29:07and they say that in the future their cars will have a clever system
00:29:11sensors when you're getting carsick,
00:29:13and then adjust the cabin temperature and the suspension to cope.
00:29:16And I think that's a pretty good idea.
00:29:17Oh, that is quite clever.
00:29:18Yeah, it is.
00:29:19That is quite interesting.
00:29:20Although I have to say I've never had any sort of motion sickness anywhere,
00:29:23but I'm very grateful because I once met a man who did have it.
00:29:26It was on a cross-channel ferry, very, very rough crossing.
00:29:29Everybody was being sick except me.
00:29:31And I went into the labs and there was this bloke,
00:29:33and he was face down on the floor.
00:29:35You know on a boat there's a little lip at the door to stop water getting out,
00:29:38and that was all full of sick.
00:29:40And as the boat rolled this little sort of miniature tsunami sort of came and hit him in the face.
00:29:47And as I walked in he looked up at me and he went,
00:29:51kill me.
00:29:53But the thing that was disturbing is I know he meant it.
00:29:56No, he did mean it.
00:29:57I've actually, anyone had seasickness?
00:29:59Because I have.
00:30:00You do genuinely want someone to kill you when you're seasick.
00:30:04You really do.
00:30:05You really do.
00:30:06But the other thing that troubled me about that shit was there must have been, I don't know,
00:30:08five or six hundred people on it.
00:30:10Everybody was hewing everywhere.
00:30:12Horizontal surfaces, vertical surfaces, the ceiling, the food, everything.
00:30:15What did they do with it when it got there?
00:30:17Scuttle it.
00:30:19Sometimes you've got to, you've got no choice.
00:30:21Yeah.
00:30:22Happened to me, our childhood car, Hillman Avenger, my little brother, vomited milk in the back of it.
00:30:27Ugh.
00:30:28Scrapped it, it's gone.
00:30:29Actually, I'll own up to something.
00:30:32Oh, are you sure?
00:30:33I was driving through Corsica a bit late for a plane.
00:30:35I had my son in the back.
00:30:36He was probably, I don't know, nine or ten.
00:30:38Going quite quickly.
00:30:39It's all mountainous roads, as you know, through Corsica.
00:30:41Very hot day.
00:30:42And he vommed explosively.
00:30:43And the upholstery was that kind of textured velour.
00:30:46When we got to the car rental return place, I was still late for the plane.
00:30:50The guy's coming over to check the car.
00:30:52He said, all right, mate, it's all in one piece.
00:30:54And folded the back seat down.
00:30:56Oh, you did not?
00:30:57Yeah.
00:30:58Oh, you sick man.
00:30:59I know.
00:31:00And left it?
00:31:01Yeah, just left it.
00:31:02So, somewhere there is a kid who's paid two euros a day to clean out returned hire cars.
00:31:07Yeah.
00:31:08And he encountered that horror.
00:31:09Yeah, ruined his life.
00:31:10But the reason we've brought up all this car sickness stuff is the RAC, you know the RAC
00:31:13always up to speed, the RAC is.
00:31:16It's put out some advice saying that parents can stop their children feeling sick if you
00:31:21can get them to look at the horizon rather than the screens on their mobile phones or tablets.
00:31:27Good luck with that.
00:31:28That is not this.
00:31:29God, Sheldon, look at the horizon.
00:31:31It's more interesting than Angry Birds.
00:31:32Yes, RAC.
00:31:33Maybe you can persuade them to tidy their bedrooms afterwards as well.
00:31:36Yeah.
00:31:37Anyway, that's sick covered.
00:31:38Let's move it along.
00:31:39I'd like to move it on with some more conversation.
00:31:42Police in Dubai are testing a hover bike.
00:31:46But no, it actually is a hover bike.
00:31:47Here it is.
00:31:48Look at that.
00:31:49Look at that!
00:31:50Oh my God!
00:31:51It costs about £117,000.
00:31:53It can go at 60 miles an hour, fly for about 25 minutes.
00:31:57Look at that!
00:31:58Yes, yes, I can see a couple of things.
00:32:00As a police pursuit vehicle problem, if you drove at 61 miles an hour, you'd get away from it.
00:32:07Actually, you could drive at less than that, but for more than 25 minutes and still get away from it.
00:32:14Or, and here's another one you haven't probably considered, if you fell off it, you're falling through your own propulsion device.
00:32:20I don't care, because look at it!
00:32:23I want one of those more than I want both of my lungs.
00:32:26It is simply the best thing.
00:32:27James, can you imagine Richard Hammond on one of those?
00:32:32Literally minutes of fun.
00:32:35And then he would just be a mist.
00:32:37He'd just be a veneer all over the nearest building.
00:32:40You'd actually be able to walk through Richard Hammond.
00:32:42He'd be a puddle.
00:32:43He would just be a puddle of Richard Hammond.
00:32:47All right.
00:32:48Shit idea.
00:32:49Right.
00:32:52A lot of people have got it into their heads that I don't like electric cars.
00:32:56Well, with good reason, because every time you've got an electric car,
00:32:59you come back into the office on Monday morning with another dreary tale of woe.
00:33:03That's because you can't charge them up.
00:33:05Here we go.
00:33:06You can't!
00:33:07Last weekend, I had a Jaguar I-Pace.
00:33:09Now, this is a really good car.
00:33:10This is why I have nothing against electric cars.
00:33:12That's the new Jag, and it is fabulous.
00:33:15Lovely to sit in, quick as hell, better than a Tesla.
00:33:18By a long way, actually, in many, many ways.
00:33:21Brilliant.
00:33:22However, brought it up here, plugged it into my farm, and boom, instant darkness.
00:33:28Well, this is a farm that can supply all of Western Europe with vegetable oil for a thousand years,
00:33:35plug one Jag into it, and I'm in the 13th century.
00:33:38No electricity at all.
00:33:39I then took it to a friend's house, plugged it in there where he's got more modern electricity,
00:33:43left it overnight, and it had only hoovered up enough electricity overnight to cover 29 miles.
00:33:50That's because you're plugging it into a 14th century domestic socket.
00:33:54You're supposed to use a proper modern fast charger.
00:33:56Well, how long would that take?
00:33:5745 minutes.
00:33:58I haven't got 45 minutes.
00:33:59I've only got 130,000 hours left, James, before I die.
00:34:03I'm not going to spend any of it.
00:34:06What?
00:34:07Wait a minute.
00:34:08This is a new thing of yours that started.
00:34:09I've only got 130,000.
00:34:10It's dropping.
00:34:11It's dropping now.
00:34:12Where does...
00:34:13Where does...
00:34:14It's a lovely thought.
00:34:15It is.
00:34:16Get on with it!
00:34:17I'm losing valuable time.
00:34:18I do want to know, though, where did that number come from?
00:34:21Well, have you got your phone on you?
00:34:22Yes.
00:34:23Because he always forgets to leave it behind.
00:34:24OK.
00:34:25How long do you think...
00:34:26Don't have to tell anyone.
00:34:27How many years do you think you've got left?
00:34:28Years I've got left.
00:34:29Years, then times that by 365.
00:34:30Oh, I see.
00:34:31Times it by 24.
00:34:32Yeah.
00:34:33How many hours have you got left?
00:34:34394,200.
00:34:35Right.
00:34:36Well, how much of that do you want to...
00:34:38Oh, I see.
00:34:39How many hours have you got left?
00:34:40394,200.
00:34:41Right.
00:34:42Right.
00:34:43Well, how much of that do you want to waste...
00:34:46Charging a car...
00:34:47Sitting around while a car charges a...
00:34:49Or I went on the BBC iPlayer the other day...
00:34:51And it said, you've now got to register to use this.
00:34:53No, I haven't.
00:34:54I haven't got time to do that.
00:34:55I'll be dead by the time I finish.
00:34:57I've got...
00:34:58I've got 14,200.
00:35:03James!
00:35:04Hours?
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06That's a week on Tuesday.
00:35:08Mate, the whole point of this exercise...
00:35:11Is...
00:35:12Is you think of the bloody number.
00:35:14So...
00:35:15Oh, it's the rest of my life.
00:35:16I better not think of a big flamboyant number.
00:35:17I'll be modest.
00:35:18Well, I'm going to be...
00:35:19I'm going to be pleasantly surprised, hopefully.
00:35:21Next week.
00:35:22I think we can probably end Conversation Street there...
00:35:24On James May's sad demise.
00:35:27Any minute now.
00:35:29I want to talk about the BMW M5,
00:35:31Which has always been, as I'm sure we all know in here...
00:35:34The ultimate Q car.
00:35:36It is a fizzing lunatic in a Geoffrey Chaucer suit.
00:35:40However, the new M5 has turbo charging.
00:35:43So it's kind to polar bears.
00:35:45And it has four-wheel drive.
00:35:47So it's safe.
00:35:48And it has an automatic gearbox.
00:35:49And that's all very nice.
00:35:51But is it what we want?
00:35:52Let me, first of all, explain the basic recipe for a BMW M5.
00:36:02It's a four-door saloon with a boot at the back.
00:36:05Space for five businessmen in the middle.
00:36:08And a monstrously powerful engine at the front.
00:36:12That's the main thing about an M5.
00:36:19It must be extremely fast.
00:36:27And this one, they say...
00:36:30Is the fastest ever.
00:36:32So I've just pulled up alongside someone in his lightweight running gear
00:36:40and his AMG training shoes.
00:36:44Whereas I am in a stout pair of brogues
00:36:47and some heavy moleskin trousers.
00:36:51Which means I'm going to lose.
00:36:54Or am I?
00:37:02Oh, that hurts.
00:37:06Up to 60 in three seconds.
00:37:11I can't go back forwards.
00:37:14That's 100 miles an hour in about seven seconds.
00:37:19On 20.
00:37:2230 miles an hour as I cross the line.
00:37:28It is unbelievable, that.
00:37:30The cheap, heavy, four-door saloon
00:37:35just beat the sports car.
00:37:39That's an M5's job.
00:37:45On the face of it, then,
00:37:47the new version seems to tick all the important M5 boxes.
00:37:51It's sensible and, thanks to 592 horsepower,
00:37:56it is Ferrari fast.
00:37:57But what about the turbochargers and the automatic gearbox?
00:38:02And what about the all-wheel drive system?
00:38:05Does all that mean it's no longer capable
00:38:08of being a swivel-eyed lunatic?
00:38:12No. Not really.
00:38:13Yes, because a great deal of work has been done to completely eliminate understeer, as you can see, the steering does feel a bit weird.
00:38:34And, yes, because the engine is turbocharged, the soundtrack is a bit muted.
00:38:47It's like listening to someone play the bass in the next room.
00:38:54But other than that...
00:38:56Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:38:58I mean, there must be turbo lag. There has to be.
00:39:05But I can't feel it.
00:39:08And the automatic gearbox must change more slowly than it would if it were a double-clutch system.
00:39:15But it still feels pretty speedy to me.
00:39:21And even though all four-wheels are driven, it can still do this.
00:39:29If you want it to do this all the time, you can actually turn off the four-wheel drive system.
00:39:49Seriously, you can turn it off.
00:39:51Just have it in rear drive only.
00:39:54Behave like a complete yobbo.
00:39:55And that's just the start of the M5's adaptability.
00:40:06You can choose how much traction control you'd like.
00:40:11You can choose how sporty and responsive you want the engine to be,
00:40:16how uncomfortable you'd like the ride to be, how meaty you'd like the steering to be,
00:40:19how quickly you want it to change gear, and what you want on the head-up display.
00:40:25You can even choose what sort of noise you want the exhausts to make.
00:40:30Oh, and look at this one.
00:40:31This menu allows me to choose what fragrance comes out of the air conditioning vents.
00:40:37I can have the blue sweet, which is a waft of pure water pearls.
00:40:42Or I can have this one, which gives me a golden shower of fiery aromas.
00:40:47And this is all very Pacific Rim, it's very CGI, and that's great.
00:40:55But the truth of the matter is that the 50-something businessman who'll buy this car
00:41:02will never change the fragrance setting or any of the other stuff.
00:41:05He'll put it in four-wheel-drive comfort mode on day one and leave it there forever.
00:41:14And if he's going to do that, there may be a better alternative.
00:41:22It's made by a German tuning company called Alpina.
00:41:26And it's another take on what a fast BMW should be like.
00:41:31It costs about the same as an M5 and has a broadly similar 4.4-litre twin-turbocharged V8.
00:41:39It also has four-wheel-drive and an automatic gearbox.
00:41:44However, this car was not developed at a racetrack.
00:41:50The boss of Alpina says if you engineer a car to be good at the Nürburgring,
00:41:54it won't be any good on the road.
00:41:56And he may have a point on that.
00:42:02So, instead of making the front suspension firm and racy,
00:42:06they tuned it to be able to deal with potholes.
00:42:10Then they changed the steering so it would corner more like an airliner
00:42:16and less like an F-16.
00:42:18Inside, they gave it blue dials and a thinner steering wheel and softer leather.
00:42:25And look at this, something you don't get in the standard M5.
00:42:30It's a comfort plus setting in which the 50-something businessman can spend his life wafting about.
00:42:39But don't think that the basic fast BMW recipe has been ruined.
00:42:46Because it really hasn't.
00:42:49It actually produces 600 horsepower.
00:42:55That's more than you get from the M5.
00:42:57It has more torque, too.
00:42:59And there's no nanny limiter.
00:43:02So, this will do 205 miles an hour.
00:43:06Does this mean, then, that on a track, the comfort wagon can keep up with the ultimate sports saloon?
00:43:16Absolutely.
00:43:29Well, even though it was fun finding out...
00:43:38The answer is no.
00:43:40Not quite.
00:43:41The M5 is tauter, more nailed down, more on it somehow.
00:43:48So, on a track, make no mistake, the M5 will pull away.
00:43:53In fact, it is doing.
00:43:58We're both cats, it's just that he's a cheater and I'm a lion.
00:44:04If, then, you care about shaving tenths of a second off your lap time at a racetrack...
00:44:13...you're better off with an M5.
00:44:19But, for going home on the M4 in the real world, which is what I'm about to do...
00:44:25...I'd rather use the Alpina.
00:44:29It's our shell.
00:44:30APPLAUSE
00:44:37Very interesting.
00:44:38Very nice.
00:44:39Interesting observation.
00:44:40Very nice.
00:44:42So, um...
00:44:44So, after all of that, you would have the worst car?
00:44:48Well, yes, because it's better.
00:44:49It sounds better to me, I've got to say.
00:44:50Oh, it says the voice of speed.
00:44:52Well, I tell you what, let's find out how fast the M5 goes round the Ebola-drome.
00:44:57And it's off.
00:45:01She held it against the brakes there for a snappy start and clearly it's worked.
00:45:06Flying onto the isn't straight there.
00:45:08Well, look, it's a bit damp.
00:45:10Right, time to work at the fat steering wheel.
00:45:13Woomph from the full exhaust on the up change.
00:45:18And now plunging into your name here, looking a little edgy.
00:45:22But then this is nearly a two-ton car.
00:45:26Heaves forward under braking but keeping it all in check in the corner.
00:45:29And now back on the power.
00:45:34Spooling up both turbos for the fast return run.
00:45:39Looking good.
00:45:40Oh, dabbing off a bit of speed at the midpoint.
00:45:43And ready.
00:45:45Yup, really hard on the brakes for old lady's house.
00:45:49This is where understeer will show itself.
00:45:52But no, looking tidy.
00:45:54Not bad for such a heifer.
00:45:57Taking no prisoners on the blast to substation.
00:46:01Torturing the Pirellis through there.
00:46:03Just feel the sheep to go.
00:46:05Tidy through there and across the line.
00:46:09APPLAUSE
00:46:12It looks quick and it looks like it's heavy.
00:46:15It looks heavy.
00:46:17Anyway, there's the lapboard.
00:46:19We can see the old M5 look down there.
00:46:2217th place, one minute 24.2.
00:46:25So let's see where the new one goes.
00:46:28Is it quicker?
00:46:30Oh, it is.
00:46:31Oh, by word.
00:46:32Four seconds faster.
00:46:34That's staggering, isn't it?
00:46:35That is absolutely amazing.
00:46:36Now, I have to say, we did time the Alpina,
00:46:41but we haven't filmed it.
00:46:43Why not?
00:46:44Well, because it's going to be slower.
00:46:46It is.
00:46:48You are going to look such an arse if it is.
00:46:52I am, but it won't be.
00:46:54Let's find out.
00:46:55Let's see where it goes.
00:46:56This is the Alpina.
00:46:58There you go.
00:46:59You see, slower, as I said.
00:47:01But 121.6, not bad.
00:47:02Not bad.
00:47:03So if you do want a taut, fast, super saloon, his advice is get the flabbier, slower one.
00:47:09Yes, better.
00:47:10It's really some clear buying advice again this week.
00:47:12It is.
00:47:13Anyway, let's get on to some actual clear buying advice, shall we?
00:47:16Let's get back to our film in Scotland.
00:47:18Tonight, we are doing a tour of the North Coast 500, around the top of Scotland,
00:47:24in some beautiful Italian classic cars and a Fiat X19.
00:47:28Well, yes, but you two had both had mechanical issues.
00:47:31Yes.
00:47:32We did, but we still had hope in our hearts that things would get better.
00:47:35As we cruised along, our Italian classics and the Fiat continued to provide unexpected entertainment.
00:47:54I'm going to show you a fantastic feature on this car.
00:47:56Here are the heating and ventilation controls.
00:47:58I've got it on warm because it's a cold day.
00:48:00But look what happens when I press the air conditioning button.
00:48:03It's haunted.
00:48:06Did you see that?
00:48:07Look.
00:48:09Hmm.
00:48:10I think I'll cool myself down.
00:48:12Oh!
00:48:17I heard it just because of this hat.
00:48:19But if I take it off, I'll freeze to death.
00:48:22Soon, Hammond insisted we stop for a cup of tea to ward off his hypothermia.
00:48:30I've had a thought.
00:48:31That's very uncharacteristic, Hammond.
00:48:33I was going to say, first time over.
00:48:34No, this is based on experience and knowledge.
00:48:37Right.
00:48:38Problem with the NC500.
00:48:39We're all the way around here.
00:48:40We miss this bit.
00:48:42We're here, right, and we miss this road, which I have driven, and it is breathtaking.
00:48:47Not just the scenery, which is incredible, but the actual road itself.
00:48:50I'm sorry, but if we just go along here...
00:48:52Yeah?
00:48:53We're not exactly doing the NC500, are we?
00:48:57No, but what if we create our own route and claim it for the Grand Tour?
00:49:02We could call that the Scottish Highlands Intermediate Tour.
00:49:08How far is it?
00:49:09It's about 287 miles every day.
00:49:11Scottish Highlands Intermediate Tour, 287.
00:49:14It would be the...
00:49:15No, hang on.
00:49:16That doesn't work, does it?
00:49:17Piloting extremely nicely in Scotland.
00:49:19287.
00:49:20Yeah.
00:49:21So the piloting extremely nicely in Scotland, 287.
00:49:24That would do.
00:49:25You see, that's your second thought of the day.
00:49:29It's because of the hat.
00:49:32With the new route sorted out, we set off.
00:49:35And it turned out that it wasn't quite like Hammond had said.
00:49:40It was much, much better.
00:49:50Holy moly.
00:49:55Oh, hi, the view.
00:49:57It's amazing.
00:49:58Look at this.
00:50:03I mean, it's... this is heaven.
00:50:08And not just the scenery, which is magnificent.
00:50:11The road itself.
00:50:13The twists, turns, surface.
00:50:16You have to get the right ingredients together in the right order, in the right place.
00:50:19It's a complicated thing.
00:50:22A really fabulous road.
00:50:23But this manages it.
00:50:28Absolutely glorious.
00:50:40Oh, the penis 287 is really coming up trumps here.
00:50:46Hmm.
00:50:57God, I bet my car looks elegant going through this scenery.
00:50:59This is what the GT V6 was built to do.
00:51:15Open, sweeping roads.
00:51:16Nothing but the sound of that V6 howling away.
00:51:19Oh.
00:51:20Oh.
00:51:21This is what driving is all about.
00:51:23This is the dream.
00:51:25In fact, the moment was so magical, it had taken my mind off something that had been troubling me all day.
00:51:38Today is the 11th of April, and I don't want to sound like eel, but it's my birthday.
00:51:53And those two haven't remembered.
00:51:54All of the crew have said happy birthday.
00:51:55All of the crew have said happy birthday.
00:51:56The director said happy birthday.
00:51:57James and Richard?
00:51:58Nothing.
00:51:59Nothing.
00:52:00Ullapool, 26 miles.
00:52:02Ullapool.
00:52:03I might be able to get the prop shaft balance there.
00:52:06That's quite a big town.
00:52:07Guys, how far are we from the hotel now?
00:52:08Do you know?
00:52:09About 30 miles.
00:52:1035.
00:52:11Well, as it's not late, I'm going to dive into Ullapool.
00:52:13All of the crew have said happy birthday.
00:52:14All of the crew have said happy birthday.
00:52:15The director said happy birthday.
00:52:16James and Richard?
00:52:17Nothing.
00:52:18Ullapool.
00:52:1926 miles.
00:52:20Ullapool.
00:52:21I might be able to get the prop shaft balance there.
00:52:24That's quite a big town.
00:52:26Guys, how far are we from the hotel now?
00:52:29Do you know?
00:52:30About 30 miles.
00:52:3135.
00:52:32Well, as it's not late, I'm going to dive into Ullapool.
00:52:35and see if I can get my prop shaft balanced.
00:52:38You hear what?
00:52:39It's vibrating and it will hurt the car,
00:52:42so I want to just get it balanced up
00:52:44and I'll see you at the hotel later on.
00:52:47That is uncharacteristically conscientious of Jeremy
00:52:50to want to go and mend his car,
00:52:51but it's actually very convenient for me and Hammond.
00:52:53We've got something in mind.
00:52:56The thing is, we hadn't forgotten it was his birthday.
00:53:00And with him gone, we could shoot ahead
00:53:02and set up his surprise party.
00:53:07Balloons coming in.
00:53:09Oh, this is nice.
00:53:12All right.
00:53:14Loosen it off.
00:53:16And that will allow the prop shaft to settle
00:53:18where it wants to settle.
00:53:20While the short-sighted orangutan ruined his car,
00:53:23I was busy in the kitchen.
00:53:28For Jeremy's birthday feast,
00:53:30I am preparing his favourite dish, spaghetti bolognese.
00:53:34But as it's his birthday and as we are here,
00:53:37I'm going to give it a Scottish twist.
00:53:39Pasta and sauce are ready.
00:53:52He'd love that.
00:53:53But now is where I give it a Scottish twist.
00:53:56Pop it in.
00:53:58Back for that in a minute.
00:53:59Now this should be ready.
00:54:03Oh yeah.
00:54:05But this is where it gets Scottish.
00:54:08Very carefully.
00:54:10You pop it in the flour like this.
00:54:13Sprinkle it.
00:54:15Keeping it together as best you can.
00:54:16The grilling has helped.
00:54:18And now into this.
00:54:20Good coating all over.
00:54:22Drop that as carefully as I can in there.
00:54:28Pop it in the oil.
00:54:31Oh yeah.
00:54:33Yes, I am doing that.
00:54:38I'd say that is ready.
00:54:45Oh yeah.
00:54:47That will do nicely.
00:54:48And there it is.
00:54:50Spaghetti McBolognese.
00:54:52Whilst Richard was battering and deep frying everything in sight.
00:54:57In you go my wee beauties.
00:55:00I was organising the guests.
00:55:02Who are now all here and waiting for the birthday boy.
00:55:09Oh, hello.
00:55:10Here it is.
00:55:12Here it is.
00:55:14Oh.
00:55:16Countach.
00:55:188.32.
00:55:19There is obviously some kind of classic car meeting going on.
00:55:24Oh, wait a minute.
00:55:28I can't believe it.
00:55:30I cannot believe it.
00:55:32You remembered?
00:55:34Of course we remembered.
00:55:35Actually, it's better than that.
00:55:37We're having a party for you.
00:55:38No, but James.
00:55:45There's a classic car meet going on.
00:55:49No, they're your guests.
00:55:51For your birthday party.
00:55:533.2 as well.
00:55:54Oh.
00:55:56You have invited classic car enthusiasts to my birthday party.
00:56:00Italian classic car enthusiasts.
00:56:02We'll talk about differentials.
00:56:04Yes.
00:56:05Production numbers and chassis numbers.
00:56:06Yes, exactly.
00:56:07I'm going to go and sort out the music.
00:56:08So, I'll see you in a bit.
00:56:10Music?
00:56:11Yeah.
00:56:12It's a party.
00:56:15Finishing touch.
00:56:17Garnish.
00:56:19Because we eat with our eyes.
00:56:26As it turned out, the classic car enthusiasts were lovely people.
00:56:30With some even lovelier cars.
00:56:33Look at that.
00:56:35Do you know I've never driven an 832?
00:56:39However, talking to them proved to be quite tricky.
00:56:42They got on their way to America and then got here and just thought,
00:56:44this'll...
00:56:56Still, it could be worse.
00:56:57And then it was.
00:56:58Because it was time to sit down for Richard's Scottish dinner.
00:57:03Battered spag bol.
00:57:06Followed by a deep fried cake.
00:57:17And then to round off the evening.
00:57:20Oh no.
00:57:22James made an interesting speech.
00:57:24About all the cars I'd owned.
00:57:27To your ears as car enthusiasts, is it not?
00:57:29But quite soon Jeremy moved on from the VW Scirocco GLI Mark 1
00:57:34to a VW Scirocco GTI Mark 2.
00:57:37The registration number of which was...
00:57:39Now I've never known whether you had the manual gearbox
00:57:41or the first generation F1 semi-automatic shift.
00:57:44Which was it?
00:57:45Very keen for you to know that it wasn't a CSI.
00:57:47It was a CSL.
00:57:48The difference being?
00:57:49Chromed wheel arch extensions and different wheels, was it?
00:57:52Or something like that?
00:57:53Oh, stripes on the side.
00:57:54The wheels on it had aluminium doors.
00:57:57Yes, of course it had the lightweight doors.
00:57:58Bullet and bootleg.
00:58:00But this time the V8 engine.
00:58:03In dark blue or was it black?
00:58:05Does anybody want to guess?
00:58:10A traditionist at heart, as he is today,
00:58:13drives a VW Golf GTI in grey.
00:58:17You missed the CLK black?
00:58:19Jeremy Cards, isn't it?
00:58:20The what?
00:58:21You missed the CLK black.
00:58:23No, it's not on this list.
00:58:25Which researcher put together this list of Jeremy's cards
00:58:27through the ages?
00:58:28You didn't even write the speech.
00:58:29Of course I didn't.
00:58:31This is the worst birthday party I've ever had.
00:58:33Come on, we made an effort.
00:58:35Anyway, shall I get the bagpipes?
00:58:39The next morning we were up and on the road, bright and early.
00:58:43This is the first April the 12th.
00:58:47Since 1972 that I haven't had a hangover.
00:58:50Thanks to the world's worst party organisers,
00:58:53Messrs.
00:58:54May and Hammond.
00:59:01Oh, no.
00:59:02The vibration is back.
00:59:09Why can't I do anything?
00:59:13What's going on?
00:59:16That's subtle.
00:59:17Harus was outdoorsy.
00:59:18Switzerland didn't make it.
00:59:19But, despite my problems, the sun was shining,
00:59:20And Scotland was more spectacular than ever.
00:59:24Hammond has redeemed himself with this root. He really has.
00:59:48Hammond?
00:59:49Hello, yes?
00:59:50There's no getting around the fact that your penis is exactly the right length and beautiful.
00:59:57Well, thank you.
00:59:59Would you agree, James May?
01:00:01I would, yes. I hate to have to admit it, but it's spot on.
01:00:07There were now only 50 miles to go to the finish point on our loop,
01:00:12so it felt like a good time to sum up our wonderful cars and Richard's Fiat.
01:00:20Some cars achieve classic status because they're rare and in thoroughbreds like those two,
01:00:26and with that you have to accept they'll be delicate, temperamental.
01:00:29Some cars achieve classic status simply because they're really good.
01:00:35The X19 was good when it was designed and built first, and still is today.
01:00:41Add to that that it cost me just over £2,000.
01:00:46Annoyingly, I've had a bit of a problem with my headlight.
01:00:49But then it's developed a squint, so it...
01:00:53Oh.
01:00:55I think it looks quite rakish.
01:00:58Somehow piratical.
01:01:00Like that.
01:01:03Rare, interesting, beautiful.
01:01:05Those are the criteria by which I think you should judge whether or not a car is a true classic.
01:01:11It has to be at least two of those things to qualify.
01:01:15So let's have a look at Melancia.
01:01:17Well, it's definitely beautiful.
01:01:20It's a truly superb bit of car styling, this.
01:01:22And it's rare.
01:01:28I had a bit of a route about online last night,
01:01:31and there are only two of these Gamma Coupes registered and on the road in Britain.
01:01:37And this is one of them.
01:01:39This is 50% of the whole thing.
01:01:47When we finish these jobs normally, the cars we've used go...
01:01:50which have no idea where they go.
01:01:54But I know where this one's going.
01:01:56Money house.
01:02:00Because this car...
01:02:03is just heaven.
01:02:06Absolute heaven.
01:02:09Look at it.
01:02:11And tell me, you can think of another car anywhere on Earth for 10 grand
01:02:18that you'd like more than this.
01:02:20Only 11 miles to go now.
01:02:28Will James May's engine explode?
01:02:31Apparently, sunshine does cause that.
01:02:34James May, do you think it will explode before we get to Inverness or just afterwards?
01:02:38Sooner or later, you will have to put your peevishness aside and admit that I made the right choice.
01:02:45Oh, no, you didn't.
01:02:47Anyway, wouldn't normally say this, but I want to say I'm very proud of you for mending your drop shaft. Well done, mate.
01:02:52Thanks, yes, yes.
01:02:55Is the car much better now the vibration's gone?
01:03:00Yes.
01:03:01Good.
01:03:02He's bluffing.
01:03:04He's bluffing.
01:03:05He's bluffing.
01:03:11Bidding a fond farewell to Hammond's magnificent penis, we got back to the town where we'd started, Inverness.
01:03:19Mission accomplished.
01:03:22Well, there we are. In just three days, we have covered a staggering 287 miles.
01:03:37Oh, well, yours was on an AA truck for a bit of it.
01:03:40Yeah, a little bit.
01:03:41Yeah.
01:03:42But apart from one catastrophic failure that required somebody to drive from Swindon in Wiltshire all the way to Inverness with a spare part...
01:03:51Don't forget that my windscreen marker fell off as well.
01:03:53Yeah, and one of my headlamps is stuck.
01:03:55Yeah, but apart from those things, we have proved that it is still possible to buy and enjoy a classic car, even if you're quite poor.
01:04:05Yeah, we should be proud of that.
01:04:07Yeah, we should.
01:04:08Yeah.
01:04:09With that, back to the studio.
01:04:10Tent.
01:04:11Tent.
01:04:12Tent.
01:04:13Because we're quite poor.
01:04:14Yes.
01:04:15Good.
01:04:16Thank you very much.
01:04:20It's, um...
01:04:21Well, it's good.
01:04:22Well, it's good.
01:04:23It's funny, isn't it?
01:04:24It's funny, over the years, we have travelled the whole world looking for the best driving roads.
01:04:29Yeah.
01:04:30And it turns out it was just next door all along.
01:04:32I have to say, I don't want to say this in front of our Scottish producer.
01:04:36Do not name Gavin Whitehead.
01:04:38No, I...
01:04:39I shan't, but that was just about the best drive I've ever had.
01:04:44That road, that scenery, that alpha...
01:04:47That party.
01:04:48No, not the party, but everything else was...
01:04:51Well, it was perfection.
01:04:53I do agree with you.
01:04:54I thought it was spectacular.
01:04:55But we should get back to the point of this film, which is that you can buy an affordable classic car that is also an investment.
01:05:03Are you sure you want to raise this particular point, James?
01:05:06Why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen how it worked out with your Lancia?
01:05:09Well, okay, I spent £13,500 on the car and when I got it home, I discovered that the price of putting it right was only £6,000.
01:05:16So, your investment has gone down by 45%?
01:05:20Correct.
01:05:21Yes.
01:05:22Now, my alpha, as I said in the film, I have brought it home with me.
01:05:25And since we made that, which was April, so six months to nine months ago, it's only cost £8,000.
01:05:34Right.
01:05:35So, your investment has gone down by 80%?
01:05:37Yes.
01:05:38What about you?
01:05:39100%.
01:05:40Really?
01:05:41Yeah.
01:05:42Day after we finished filming, the engine blew, car in the bin, all gone.
01:05:46So, to conclude then, all of us have lost some money and one of us has lost all of it.
01:05:52Yes, exactly.
01:05:53And on that terrible disappointment, it is time to end.
01:05:56I'm going home now, in my alpha.
01:05:58No, you're not.
01:06:00We live over there.
01:06:01Yeah, we know.
01:06:02Yeah, exactly.
01:06:03Too far.
01:06:04Whatever.
01:06:05Thanks for watching.
01:06:06Take care.
01:06:07See you next time.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:23Bye.
01:06:24Bye.
01:06:26Bye.
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