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Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
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00:01:18Thank you all for braving these treacherous conditions to get here.
00:01:22It took me nearly nine minutes this morning.
00:01:24His slippers got all soggy on the way.
00:01:26Yes, I nearly fell over once, but I made it.
00:01:29And don't worry, because we have an incredible reward for you all,
00:01:32because in this action-packed show...
00:01:37James wears a red anorak.
00:01:40Richard looks at a pipe of some sort.
00:01:45And I make a cup of tea.
00:01:48It is non-stop action, non-stop, but we begin with mankind.
00:01:59Wow, big start.
00:02:00It is a big start.
00:02:01You see, the thing is, as a species, we are very pleased with ourselves,
00:02:05because we have the Porsche 918 and the Ferrari the Ferrari,
00:02:09cars that can travel at 212 miles an hour, an incredible speed.
00:02:14Whereas cows and ants...
00:02:16What are you going on about?
00:02:17Well, but think about it, OK?
00:02:19A cow is exactly the same now as it was a million years ago.
00:02:23Well, maybe a bit more delicious now, but basically the same.
00:02:26It still stands around all day long in a field, eating grass.
00:02:30Whereas we think that we've improved.
00:02:33But have we?
00:02:34Yes. Yeah, we have.
00:02:35Well, no, you say that, but we were travelling at way more than 212 miles an hour in our cars 25 years ago.
00:02:43This is the Jaguar XJ 220.
00:02:57And with a top speed of 217 miles an hour, it was the fastest car in the world.
00:03:10For about five minutes.
00:03:12And then, this came along.
00:03:14The 218 mile an hour Bugatti EB110 Super Sports.
00:03:24Both these cars were conceived in the 80s, when Gordon Gekko was running amok and the world was awash with money.
00:03:39But by the time they went on sale in the early 90s...
00:03:44An incredible day on Wall Street.
00:03:46The market has fallen over 400 points.
00:03:48...the stock market had crashed.
00:03:50Sonny, there's only one word to describe what's happening, and that is panic.
00:03:54So, the only people who might have bought them were too busy hurling themselves out of their office windows on Wall Street.
00:04:02So, these cars, they came, they conquered, and no one noticed.
00:04:09Today, though, 25 years later, there are only three cars in current production that are faster than this.
00:04:19However, while there is a lot of performance, the way it's delivered is quite old-fashioned.
00:04:27You put your foot down, and then you wait while the turbochargers spool up.
00:04:31It takes quite a while, because there are four of them.
00:04:41Talk about yourselves.
00:04:42However, when the three and a half litre V12 is finally getting all the food it needs...
00:04:49Oh, God!
00:04:51All hell breaks loose.
00:04:54Whoa!
00:04:58Whoa!
00:05:03Through the corner.
00:05:06My old terror.
00:05:10The speed is hilarious.
00:05:15And terrifying.
00:05:16That's probably why they fitted it with this plastic sheeting rather than carpets, because they knew that one day you would soil yourself.
00:05:31You did have to be good to get the best out of this thing.
00:05:35Which brings me on to Michael Schumacher.
00:05:37He could have had any car he wanted back in the day, but he had one of these.
00:05:44Weirdly, however, and mainly because I think it looks better, I'd have chosen the Jack.
00:05:49It was supposed to have been a four-wheel drive V12 like the Bugatti, but Jaguar found that much too complicated.
00:06:10So they gave it the turbocharged V6 from a metro rally car, rear-wheel drive, rear lights from a Rover 200, and then they said, that'll do.
00:06:22Then went to the pub.
00:06:24So, does that mean the Jag is embarrassed by the Bugatti in a drag race?
00:06:34Right, before we do this, I have to tape the cassette player in place, because the last time I did a full-bore standing start in an XJ220,
00:06:50the acceleration was so vivid, the stereo shot out of its slot in the dashboard, ricocheted off the gear lever, and then speared into my left plumb.
00:07:01It was very uncomfortable.
00:07:02Oh, the ends come off.
00:07:09That's good. Right, window up.
00:07:27Right, let's do this.
00:07:32I don't know where to change gear because the rep count has broken.
00:07:41I don't know where to change gear because the rep count has broken.
00:07:50This is close.
00:07:55Oh, my word.
00:08:04No!
00:08:09Score one for the Jag!
00:08:12Whoa!
00:08:13That was some speed!
00:08:14After a quarter of a mile, the badly made Jag was doing 135 miles an hour, and a modern day Lamborghini Huracan couldn't do that.
00:08:28Which proves that in the last 25 years, we've come nowhere.
00:08:33Except we have.
00:08:34You see, back in 92 and 93, there was no Wi-Fi, there was no PlayStation, DVD hadn't been invented, Justin Bieber hadn't been born.
00:08:47There was no Google, Amazon was a river.
00:08:50There was no internet pornography.
00:08:52That's probably a good thing because there was no Viagra either.
00:08:54The early 90s were the dark ages.
00:08:57And when you drive these cars, it shows.
00:09:00In here, there's no power steering, no air conditioning, no anti-lock brakes, and obviously no driver aids of any kind.
00:09:24I've got a 525 brake horsepower engine back there.
00:09:38Oh, shit!
00:09:41It's been fed by a turbocharger the size of a wheelie bin.
00:09:48And all there is in here to tame it is me!
00:09:54Oh, shit!
00:09:57Oh, shit!
00:09:58Oh, shit!
00:10:03Oh!
00:10:09After a couple of laps in this thing, you really are aching and sweating.
00:10:15And you're frightened.
00:10:16You really are.
00:10:17Because this is not a car that's just gonna forgive you.
00:10:20If you overdo it, you're gonna hit a tree.
00:10:23And that's just an end of it.
00:10:25So, there we are.
00:10:26A modern supercar may be no faster than these monsters from the past, but a modern supercar makes the speed fun and easy.
00:10:34Not terrifying and bathed in an unholy mix of sweat and feces.
00:10:41Well done.
00:10:42Well done.
00:10:43Well done.
00:10:44Well done.
00:10:45Well done.
00:10:46Well done.
00:10:47Well done.
00:10:48Well done.
00:10:49Because nobody's ever finished a road test with the word feces before.
00:10:50No.
00:10:51That was a first.
00:10:52But I'm just thinking.
00:10:53It isn't just supercars that are getting slower.
00:10:54Because, you remember the Lotus Sunbeam?
00:10:55When was that?
00:10:561979, 78.
00:10:57Yeah.
00:10:58That did naughty to 60.
00:11:15In 6.7c.
00:11:24That did nought to 60 in 6.6 seconds.
00:11:27And there aren't many hot hatches that would keep up with that even today.
00:11:30And then you've got trains, the Mallard, the steam trains,
00:11:32quicker than most electric trains.
00:11:33SR-71, Blackbird, nothing in the sky is as fast as that.
00:11:37I suppose if you think about it,
00:11:38we used to be able to get across the Atlantic in three hours,
00:11:41and now it takes us seven.
00:11:42Exactly.
00:11:43And now we must put some numbers on our argument
00:11:46by sending the Bugatti round the Ebola-drome.
00:11:51Come on, old timer.
00:11:54And she's off.
00:11:57A smooth start.
00:11:58Four-wheel drive system maintaining traction in these wet conditions.
00:12:03It really is soaking out there today.
00:12:07Right, a measured line through the first curve,
00:12:09and then carefully working the throttle to keep things in check.
00:12:14Approaching the sweep down to your name here, and smoothly done.
00:12:20Crikey, managing to get the tyre squealing,
00:12:22even on this damp section,
00:12:24and then winding up the little V-12 to fire it back onto the isn't.
00:12:30Single wiper batting away the drizzle
00:12:32as she hustles it towards the braking zone
00:12:35for the tricky old lady's house complex.
00:12:38How will it get on here?
00:12:40Very neat.
00:12:42Very controlled.
00:12:44And now back on the gas for the run to substation.
00:12:48And you can hear the fizz from those four furiously spinning turbos.
00:12:52Keeping it together there nicely.
00:12:55Field of sheep to go.
00:12:56Glide through there and across the line.
00:12:58So let's see where it goes on the board.
00:13:08I'm imagining it pretty high up.
00:13:10Oh.
00:13:11That's not very fast.
00:13:13No, it isn't very fast,
00:13:14but we put the Jag round as well,
00:13:16and that did it in,
00:13:17hang on, I've got the time here,
00:13:19just bear with me,
00:13:201.35.1.
00:13:22So, slower than the Bugatti?
00:13:25Yes.
00:13:26Slower, in fact, than everything
00:13:28except a small, cheap Volkswagen hatchback,
00:13:31which also went round in the soaking wet?
00:13:34Yes.
00:13:35So, contrary to what you were saying earlier on,
00:13:38supercars have got much faster over the last 25 years.
00:13:43Yes.
00:13:45Right, moving on,
00:13:47because now it's time to order some donuts of debate
00:13:50from the Chat Café
00:13:52on Conversation Street.
00:13:55God.
00:14:01That was so fun.
00:14:04Right, good.
00:14:05Now,
00:14:06you know the BMW Z4?
00:14:09Yes.
00:14:09The only car, incidentally,
00:14:10designed on the interior and the exterior by women, OK?
00:14:14Well, they're dropping it
00:14:15and replacing it with this.
00:14:17This has been designed by a man,
00:14:19so...
00:14:20And where are you going with this one, Jeremy?
00:14:23So it won't be able to take its jumper off
00:14:27by folding its arms.
00:14:29What?
00:14:30What are you on about?
00:14:32Men can't take their jumpers off like women do.
00:14:34They're crossing their arms.
00:14:35What?
00:14:36I can do that.
00:14:37You're not a man.
00:14:38Oh, right.
00:14:40I take my jumper off.
00:14:41That's how you take a jumper off like that.
00:14:43You...
00:14:43You...
00:14:44How do you know?
00:14:45You just wait for the paramedics to come along,
00:14:47cut it off,
00:14:48I'll be out of it.
00:14:49That's how you take a jumper off.
00:14:51I don't know what you're talking about.
00:14:52Take your jumper off.
00:14:53Just take your jumper off.
00:14:54You can't strip...
00:14:55How do you take it off?
00:14:58There, you see?
00:14:59Like a man.
00:15:00He was about to do it.
00:15:00Women want to take their...
00:15:01Oh, no, we can't do that.
00:15:03Seriously,
00:15:04do women,
00:15:05do you know what I'm on about?
00:15:06Yeah.
00:15:06Women cross...
00:15:08If I tried to do that,
00:15:09I'd dislocate my shoulder.
00:15:11Thank you for that nonsense, Jeremy.
00:15:13Can we maybe get back to the BMW now,
00:15:15which is a car?
00:15:16Yes, it is.
00:15:17Now, I have to say,
00:15:18the old one was never as good to drive
00:15:20as it was to look at.
00:15:21No, no, you mean...
00:15:21No, it wasn't.
00:15:22It was sort of baggy, wasn't it?
00:15:23Yeah, and there was never an M version.
00:15:25You know, it was all just like,
00:15:26unexciting.
00:15:27But I'm hoping this new one
00:15:29is as good to drive as it looks.
00:15:30And it does look very good,
00:15:32even though it will struggle when it's jumping.
00:15:33Yeah.
00:15:34Anyway,
00:15:35if I was looking for a new BMW Z4,
00:15:37actually,
00:15:38I'd have one of these
00:15:39because this is the new Toyota Supra.
00:15:42I know.
00:15:42It looks phenomenal.
00:15:43And that underneath
00:15:44is basically a Z4,
00:15:46same engine and everything.
00:15:47Same chassis.
00:15:48It is a Z4,
00:15:49but with that body.
00:15:49And that body,
00:15:50I have to say,
00:15:51looks amazing.
00:15:51And do you know the most amazing thing is,
00:15:53they're talking about a price between $40,000 and $60,000,
00:15:55which is much less than it looks like.
00:15:57See, I think that is actually filling a gap in the market.
00:16:00There is a need right now
00:16:01for a mid-prized sports car
00:16:03because there really aren't many, if any.
00:16:05What is the Audi TTRS?
00:16:07Yeah, well,
00:16:07that will definitely take his jumper off like that,
00:16:09won't it?
00:16:09And then stow it in the overhead lockers,
00:16:12tell you where the doors are.
00:16:13Now,
00:16:14Volkswagen's US head of regulation,
00:16:16that was his job title,
00:16:17a guy called Oliver Schmidt,
00:16:18he's just been done for his part in Dieselgate,
00:16:21and they've given him seven years in jail,
00:16:24or as he would put it,
00:16:254.2 years.
00:16:28And a fine of £400,000,
00:16:33or whatever that translates into VW money.
00:16:35I don't know.
00:16:36£270,000.
00:16:37Yeah, there you go.
00:16:37No, I tell you,
00:16:38the fascinating thing is,
00:16:39there was a warrant out for his arrest,
00:16:41OK,
00:16:41in America,
00:16:42but he was in Germany,
00:16:43and then for some reason,
00:16:45he decided to take his annual holiday in Florida
00:16:47and got arrested at the airport.
00:16:50Oh,
00:16:50nines out.
00:16:52Why did he do that?
00:16:53Because he's a moron.
00:16:54Oh, yeah.
00:16:55He must be.
00:16:55He must be.
00:16:56The only thing I think of is that Volkswagen
00:16:58needed someone to do some jail time for what had happened.
00:17:01What,
00:17:02and he volunteered to do it?
00:17:03No,
00:17:03I reckon they probably said,
00:17:04you're the employee of the month,
00:17:06Mr. Schmidt.
00:17:07Don't you have fun?
00:17:08A fortnight's holiday and stuff at Disney World?
00:17:11Thank you so much.
00:17:12Oh,
00:17:13they have arrested me.
00:17:15That's actually a seven-year holiday,
00:17:17you've got there, Mr. Schmidt,
00:17:18and the catering is terrible.
00:17:21Now,
00:17:21do you remember the Rimac we had in Programme 1
00:17:23of this season?
00:17:24Yeah,
00:17:24there it is.
00:17:25Yeah.
00:17:25Yeah.
00:17:25Well,
00:17:25they've announced there is a new one coming out.
00:17:28Well,
00:17:28what happened to that one?
00:17:29Well,
00:17:29no,
00:17:31that was,
00:17:32that was called the Concept 1.
00:17:33Mm-hmm.
00:17:34They only made eight of those,
00:17:35actually.
00:17:36Tell me a left.
00:17:36Seven,
00:17:37shut up.
00:17:38What happened to the other one,
00:17:39Hammond?
00:17:39Just stop saying things.
00:17:41The new one is going to be called the Concept 2,
00:17:43and amazingly,
00:17:44they're saying it's going to be even faster,
00:17:46and that was...
00:17:47No,
00:17:47I actually don't believe that you could make a car go fast.
00:17:49Well,
00:17:50they say it's going to be fast,
00:17:51and there's a bit bigger inside,
00:17:52there'll be more room.
00:17:52Which it did need,
00:17:52because that one was quite cramped.
00:17:53You can fit in this one.
00:17:55I could fit in the last one.
00:17:56You'd be less like Spam,
00:17:57though,
00:17:57if you rolled it over and over and over.
00:17:59It'd be more dangerous,
00:18:00you're right.
00:18:00We've actually got a picture of the new Concept 2.
00:18:02Here it is,
00:18:03Hammond,
00:18:03you'll like this.
00:18:04Oh,
00:18:04God.
00:18:05Come on.
00:18:06Ha ha ha!
00:18:06Ha ha ha ha!
00:18:07Oh,
00:18:08now,
00:18:08there's a new McLaren,
00:18:09okay?
00:18:10I've got a picture of it here.
00:18:11This is staggering,
00:18:12okay?
00:18:13I've got some of the details.
00:18:14It's their new flagship,
00:18:15kind of replaces the P1,
00:18:17super hardcore,
00:18:18789 horsepower,
00:18:21mentalist,
00:18:22that thing,
00:18:22and they've called it,
00:18:23and this is a tremendous name,
00:18:24I think,
00:18:25they've called it the Senna.
00:18:26Ooh,
00:18:26cool.
00:18:27I mean,
00:18:27that is a really cool name for a car like that.
00:18:29I'm glad they didn't call it the Mansell.
00:18:30No,
00:18:31less cool.
00:18:32With its droning engine notes,
00:18:34and it would have a stupid moustache above its number plate.
00:18:36Oh,
00:18:37and if it were a convertible,
00:18:38a tweed roof.
00:18:41McLaren Hunt could work,
00:18:42because he was quite cool.
00:18:43Terrible thirst,
00:18:44though,
00:18:44it would have.
00:18:44Yeah,
00:18:45a lot of smoke coming out,
00:18:46every now and again,
00:18:47it would try and mount another car.
00:18:48Yeah,
00:18:49it would be cool.
00:18:49On balance,
00:18:50I think Senna's probably the best name,
00:18:52they could have come up with.
00:18:53Right,
00:18:53now,
00:18:53what else,
00:18:54what more conversation have we got?
00:18:55Can I have some conversation for you?
00:18:56You have some conversation?
00:18:56I do.
00:18:57Yes,
00:18:57because you know,
00:18:57last week,
00:18:58you were talking about how you ended up following a pigeon.
00:19:00How fast did you reckon it was going?
00:19:0235?
00:19:0335,
00:19:04I think you said.
00:19:05The other day,
00:19:05I was going down the country there,
00:19:06and I ended up following a blackbird,
00:19:08and that only does 28.
00:19:10And that's interesting,
00:19:12because that means a blackbird in level flight is slower than a pigeon.
00:19:15What is wrong with you two?
00:19:17Why are you following birds?
00:19:18Why not follow Russian spies or straying husbands?
00:19:21No,
00:19:21listen,
00:19:21listen,
00:19:22Hammond,
00:19:22pay attention.
00:19:23Oh,
00:19:23God.
00:19:23I did some research on this,
00:19:24you know the top speed of a pigeon,
00:19:26if it really puts its foot down,
00:19:28is 90.
00:19:29Is it?
00:19:29In level flight,
00:19:2990 miles an hour.
00:19:3090 miles an hour.
00:19:31I know.
00:19:31Now,
00:19:31that is amazing,
00:19:32because you wouldn't think a pigeon's wings could shift enough air.
00:19:35No,
00:19:35I wouldn't think about it.
00:19:36No,
00:19:36no,
00:19:36stop me.
00:19:37Do you say that?
00:19:38A hummingbird can fly faster than a goose.
00:19:41Can it?
00:19:41No,
00:19:42it's like that.
00:19:43Nobody cares.
00:19:44They do.
00:19:44Stop ranking birds.
00:19:47What?
00:19:48Rank,
00:19:48rank,
00:19:48rank.
00:19:49Stop.
00:19:49Anyway,
00:19:51I think that the top speed of birds is a new hit show,
00:19:54and you and I can host it,
00:19:55and you'll end up as buttons in panto in Swindon.
00:19:59And then you'll shoot yourself in a room in a premiere in one night.
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:03There'll only be one police car outside,
00:20:04and it'll be a Vauxhall Astra.
00:20:06That's your future.
00:20:08Anyway,
00:20:08that is enough Conversation Street this week,
00:20:10so let's move it on.
00:20:11Thank you very much.
00:20:12Now,
00:20:17as I'm sure you know,
00:20:19trying to set a speed record is very,
00:20:22very dangerous,
00:20:23and especially if you try to do it on water.
00:20:25In fact,
00:20:26over the years,
00:20:27and this is a true fact,
00:20:2885% of everyone who's tried to break a speed record on water
00:20:33has been killed in the process.
00:20:3685%.
00:20:37Yeah.
00:20:37But that's not the sort of figure that puts us off.
00:20:40Exactly.
00:20:41Because there was a 15% chance of surviving it,
00:20:44we decided to try and break the UK speed record for amphibious vehicles.
00:20:51Yeah.
00:20:51First, though,
00:20:52we had to build a car that could be driven legally on the road,
00:20:55but that would also go very quickly on the water.
00:20:58And how hard can that be?
00:21:02Since we were trying to break an amphibious speed record,
00:21:05the obvious starting point was here.
00:21:08at Huddersfield International Airport.
00:21:16Why are we at Huddersfield International Airport?
00:21:18Yeah, why aren't we at a lake?
00:21:19Because I am project leader,
00:21:21and one of the many, many things that I know is that to go fast on water,
00:21:27you have to have a lot of power.
00:21:31To demonstrate what I was on about,
00:21:34I'd set up a test using the jet engine from an RAF Nimrod.
00:21:39Did you build all this?
00:21:45Yes.
00:21:45Can I just ask?
00:21:46What?
00:21:47What is the current speed record for amphibious vehicles?
00:21:5039.1 miles an hour.
00:21:53Well, isn't this rather overkill?
00:21:55Listen, Usain Bolt can run at 27 miles an hour on land, okay?
00:22:01If he were waist-deep in water,
00:22:03he'd have a top speed of about one.
00:22:05Water's really sticky,
00:22:06and he needs loads of power.
00:22:08I've got a word in my head for all this,
00:22:10and it's impractical.
00:22:11I've got a word.
00:22:12It's shut up.
00:22:13Right, we're going.
00:22:16Is it lapped?
00:22:17Very.
00:22:18That's fired up.
00:22:20That's going to drive air into the big engine.
00:22:22We've got to get those in the green.
00:22:25I hate it when you stop bushing.
00:22:27And I hear anything.
00:22:29Ignite it.
00:22:30Oh!
00:22:32I'm going to give it some thrust now.
00:22:46We're going to go up to 100% power.
00:22:52Okay.
00:22:53Okay.
00:22:57So,
00:22:59we're going to do this more.
00:23:01So,
00:23:03we're going to go up to the wind.
00:23:04Okay.
00:23:08Let's go up to the wind.
00:23:09Let's go up.
00:23:13Let's go up.
00:23:15We're going up.
00:23:16Okay.
00:23:16Let's go up.
00:23:19Come up.
00:23:20We're going up.
00:23:21You are a witness dodo.
00:23:35Look at it!
00:23:41Ah! On the upside, there is an upside here.
00:23:45If it's capable of doing that,
00:23:48imagine how fast we're going to go on the lake.
00:23:51You're a cretin.
00:23:52Yes, yes.
00:23:53None of this is based on any scientific reasoning whatsoever.
00:23:56You say, it's got a lot of power.
00:23:57How much trust has it got?
00:23:58A lot. Look what it's done.
00:23:59It's blown two aeroplanes over and given us a massive bill.
00:24:02Having proved to my sceptical colleagues
00:24:04that jet power was the way forward,
00:24:07we moved to our technology centre.
00:24:11Here, we would fuse together this Russian jet,
00:24:15this speed boat,
00:24:18and this Suzuki Jimny,
00:24:20and we'd end up with the fastest amphibious vehicle
00:24:23Britain had ever seen.
00:24:26We have an old Suzuki car.
00:24:28Yes.
00:24:29A small old plastic boat and a jet engine.
00:24:32And you're suggesting that somehow we unite them all
00:24:34into some sort of symphony of success and glory.
00:24:37Yes.
00:24:38This is the stupidest thing I've ever been involved with.
00:24:41It's idiotic.
00:24:43Having convinced my sceptical colleagues once more
00:24:46that my plan was a good one,
00:24:48we set to work.
00:24:56And soon, our amazing creation was ready.
00:25:00Right, as you can see, everyone, this is fully road-legal.
00:25:25Lights, indicators, number plates.
00:25:28And a massive jet engine just behind us.
00:25:30Yes.
00:25:31More of an issue, though, was the passenger seat layout.
00:25:35I'm going to change gear.
00:25:37It's right where your penis is.
00:25:39Oh, I didn't want your hand up near my gentleman's sausage.
00:25:45What are these things above our heads?
00:25:47These are the stabilisation tanks, yeah?
00:25:49When we go in the water, you lower them down and they keep us afloat.
00:25:52No, I've got that, I've got that when we've fitted them,
00:25:54but what we're now discovering is they make us more stable on water,
00:25:57but a lot less on land.
00:26:00James, why have you been so quiet?
00:26:01I'm waiting for it to fall over.
00:26:05Will you stop making stupid childish noises?
00:26:10I think we've done an incredible job,
00:26:12and I think I've been a remarkable project leader.
00:26:15Why has no-one thought to do this before?
00:26:18No, it's so logical when you look at it.
00:26:20The car benefit's working, but it was already a car.
00:26:24That's not much of an achievement.
00:26:27I'm going to do a brake test.
00:26:30Oh!
00:26:31What?
00:26:32Wait!
00:26:33Is that that...?
00:26:34Oh!
00:26:35Yeah.
00:26:36Eventually, we arrived at the lake.
00:26:44For our first high-speed test run.
00:26:48And immediately, Hammond chickened out.
00:26:53Why aren't you wearing a fire suit?
00:26:56Jet engines just aren't my thing.
00:26:58I'm going to watch this from the bank.
00:27:00Are you really not coming in it?
00:27:01No, I'm going to watch it.
00:27:02I'm going to be the observer.
00:27:04Ooh!
00:27:05Ooh!
00:27:06Ooh!
00:27:07I'm...
00:27:13She's ready.
00:27:14My big fear is...
00:27:16Let's be modest and say, let's say we reached 80.
00:27:20So, from here, we've got to have to just use drag
00:27:23to slow us down before we hit the far bank.
00:27:25Well, we have to think ahead.
00:27:27Yes.
00:27:28Start decelerating when you pass that midpoint.
00:27:30Then you should be all right.
00:27:32I think he's right.
00:27:33The middle is the critical point.
00:27:34Then just back off the throttles.
00:27:35And then we'll just use the drag of the pontoons to slow us down.
00:27:38Yeah.
00:27:39All right.
00:27:41Right.
00:27:43Soon, James and I were ready for the test, and not at all nervous.
00:27:50When we fire up the jet, this perspex that I put in here,
00:27:54I put it in.
00:27:56So, what if that just goes?
00:27:58You shouldn't have said that.
00:28:00You know in Die Hard 2,
00:28:02when the enormous soldier is sucked into the engine?
00:28:04Oh, yeah.
00:28:05Yeah, that's like that.
00:28:06It will be like that, won't it?
00:28:08Ready?
00:28:13He's not going in.
00:28:18Oh, I feel buoyancy.
00:28:21I am proud of my two colleagues.
00:28:23This is, this is historic.
00:28:26We are now going to fire up the Jettered.
00:28:28Right, put your thing on.
00:28:29It's going to be bloody land.
00:28:30What thing?
00:28:31These things.
00:28:32Oh, this is a good point.
00:28:34Right.
00:28:35Comms check.
00:28:36Comms check.
00:28:37Dials are engaged.
00:28:38This is the speedometer.
00:28:39Okay, we've got igniter on, bilge pump off.
00:28:41Throttle set and idle.
00:28:42Go.
00:28:43Starting jet.
00:28:47Holy shit.
00:28:48It's going round.
00:28:49Don't look at it.
00:28:50Don't look at the rear view mirror.
00:28:51Oh, this is phenomenal.
00:28:52Taking up the power now, 50%.
00:28:53Is that 50%?
00:28:54Yeah, that's about 50, but 70 is 100.
00:28:55What do you mean 70 is 100?
00:28:56I couldn't find a dial that exactly matched the rev.
00:28:57So 70 on here is 100% gross.
00:29:00I'm going for power.
00:29:01Oh, this is phenomenal!
00:29:07Taking up the power now, 50%.
00:29:10Is that 50%?
00:29:11Yeah, that's about 50, but 70 is 100.
00:29:14What do you mean 70 is 100?
00:29:16I couldn't find a dial that exactly matched the revs, so 70 on here is 100% drop.
00:29:24I'm going for power, here we go.
00:29:28Hold on, you want to hold on something seriously?
00:29:31All right, let's go.
00:29:36It's 100% drop.
00:29:56All right, well, we're doing two miles an hour.
00:29:58Come on!
00:29:59We're doing three!
00:30:02Why is it so slow?
00:30:05I mean, that jet is from a Russian fighter.
00:30:07That is capable of keeping a Russian fighter in the air.
00:30:10Why won't it make us go more than three?
00:30:13In the air.
00:30:15That's the point.
00:30:16The air.
00:30:16Hammond is keeping up with us.
00:30:22That's it.
00:30:24Come on!
00:30:25Can I just say something?
00:30:28We're sinking.
00:30:29No, my heart is sinking.
00:30:31Oh, God.
00:30:32We really do need...
00:30:33I'm going to go into the shore.
00:30:37I don't think they needed the neck braces in the end.
00:30:40It's almost...
00:30:40And throttle back.
00:30:53Speed?
00:30:54Three.
00:30:55Three?
00:30:56Yeah, it does three.
00:30:57That's your top speed.
00:30:58It's three.
00:30:58You could row at three miles an hour.
00:31:03On the up side, and there is one, neither of us were killed.
00:31:08And that's an up side?
00:31:09No, the issue at hand is...
00:31:11Yes.
00:31:11Yeah.
00:31:11It doesn't work.
00:31:12Yes.
00:31:13Why doesn't it work?
00:31:15Well, it's mainly to do with the shape of the car,
00:31:18the shape of the sawn-up bits of tatty old boat
00:31:21that you've blue tacked to it,
00:31:22the drag of the pontoons,
00:31:24the size and power and position of the engine,
00:31:26the amount of fuel it will run,
00:31:28the basic physics,
00:31:29the fact that water is 750 times as dense as air...
00:31:32It was time to go back to the drawing board.
00:31:38And this time, we gave Jeremy a job he could actually do.
00:31:42Now, this is the car that currently holds
00:31:47the record for amphibious vehicles.
00:31:49It's the Gibbs Humdinger,
00:31:51and as you can see,
00:31:52it is not an ancient Suzuki
00:31:54with an old Russian jet engine on the back.
00:31:56No, it's a light plastic car with a hull,
00:31:59and as you can see, retractable wheels.
00:32:02Exactly, and that's why we have chosen
00:32:04as the basis for our project, this.
00:32:12Which is a Reliant Robin in a 1970s leisure suit.
00:32:19No, it is a Bond Bug,
00:32:21one of the coolest cars from the 70s.
00:32:24And I can see why you chose this particular one, Hammond.
00:32:28It's got your name on it.
00:32:30Shut up.
00:32:31The only reason these things never really caught on
00:32:33was because nobody thought of making them amphibious.
00:32:36Yes, but we have, you see,
00:32:38so we're going to fit it with retractable wheels,
00:32:40same as the Gibbs,
00:32:41and we're going to use the engine from one of these.
00:32:43A jet engine.
00:32:44Yes, sort of, but different.
00:32:46It's my idea.
00:32:47The jet engine was not your idea.
00:32:49No, the jet engine isn't my idea,
00:32:50but the idea of making an amphibious car
00:32:52using a jet engine was my idea.
00:32:54This is a water jet.
00:32:55You've copied it.
00:32:56It's different.
00:32:57And anyway, this is genius
00:32:58because you can rent one of these
00:33:00from pretty much any beach in the world
00:33:02that will do 50 miles an hour out of the box.
00:33:04This one will do 67.
00:33:05It will, exactly.
00:33:06Well, that's plenty.
00:33:07So all we've got to do is incorporate this
00:33:09into the road-worthy shell of the Bomberg,
00:33:11and we've got a very fast car
00:33:12and a very fast boat in the same thing.
00:33:15Which is exactly what I was doing.
00:33:18At this point, we sent Jeremy home
00:33:20and set to work on building our masterpiece.
00:33:23I don't know why you're applauding.
00:33:38They know nothing about boats.
00:33:40Absolutely nothing.
00:33:42Old planes, yes.
00:33:43Helicopters, yes.
00:33:44Old motorcycles, a lot.
00:33:45But boats, nothing.
00:33:47But we shall see what they came up with later on.
00:33:51Now, though, it is time for Celebrity Face-Off.
00:34:06It's a simple question this week.
00:34:08Who is the world's fastest magician?
00:34:10To find out, would you please welcome
00:34:12Dynamo and Penn and his silent partner, Tella!
00:34:21Amazing.
00:34:22I'm already amazed.
00:34:24I've got to be honest,
00:34:25magic is my favourite thing in the entire world,
00:34:28apart from boating in the south of France.
00:34:30But we must begin with cars, obviously.
00:34:33This being a car show occasionally.
00:34:35You both started with four befores
00:34:36as far as it can work out.
00:34:37Well, they have featured in your life.
00:34:39You are a G-Wagon man, yeah?
00:34:41Yeah, yeah.
00:34:42So, at the beginning,
00:34:42when my TV show got a bit of success,
00:34:45Mercedes came and they would give me cars to drive.
00:34:48But then I did a commercial with Fiat
00:34:50and Mercedes weren't too happy about that.
00:34:54I used some of the money from Fiat to then...
00:34:56I still love the G-Wagon, so I bought one.
00:34:58So you got used Fiat money to buy Mercedes?
00:35:02Yeah.
00:35:02That is quite cool.
00:35:03But you had a Ford Bronco.
00:35:04But only because I watched O.J. do the...
00:35:08And I said,
00:35:09he's kind of a big guy,
00:35:11maybe I'd fit in that car.
00:35:12And then I got the whole thing
00:35:14and it was all too masculine,
00:35:16so I painted it stripper pink for Vegas.
00:35:19When you're driving to work,
00:35:20do they think you're a stripper?
00:35:21Yeah, I hope so.
00:35:24Didn't you have a Ford Falcon as well at some stage?
00:35:25Well, when I was in high school,
00:35:29I'm from a rural area,
00:35:31my mother gave me her coverage with Ford Falcon.
00:35:34But for me,
00:35:35that was just a place to have sex in high school.
00:35:38And then,
00:35:39I mean, you started touring together.
00:35:40Mm-hmm.
00:35:41So you presumably needed some kind of tour.
00:35:43Yeah, we did.
00:35:43You know, we're carny trash.
00:35:45We did carnivals and outdoor shows and all of that.
00:35:47We're the worst kind of people.
00:35:49And we had to drive all over the United States of America.
00:35:52So we went to an auction place
00:35:53and bought a Datsun 210 station wagon
00:35:56with the back seat down
00:35:57and then our trunks in there with all our stuff.
00:36:00And we were so terrified of having our props stolen
00:36:03that we had a magnetic sign we put on the side
00:36:06that said,
00:36:07Atlanta Center for Disease Control Specimen Transfer Unit.
00:36:12We put that on the side with the big boxes in the back.
00:36:14And that worked really well
00:36:16until the sign was stolen.
00:36:19I want to talk about cars,
00:36:21but who would rather here see some magic?
00:36:24Yeah.
00:36:25And you know we're supposed to, of course,
00:36:27would you mind awfully if you now do some?
00:36:29Have you actually brought something with you?
00:36:31I'm going to try something with you.
00:36:32Just hold your hands up for me.
00:36:35What, both?
00:36:35Like this.
00:36:36Like that.
00:36:37A little bit wider.
00:36:38Are you left or right-handed?
00:36:39Right-handed.
00:36:40Close it in a fist for me.
00:36:41What?
00:36:42Close it in a fist.
00:36:43Like that.
00:36:43That one?
00:36:44Yeah, then turn this left one over.
00:36:46I'm going to put a little cross.
00:36:48Right there.
00:36:49Can you shark everyone?
00:36:50Yeah, show that to the ladies.
00:36:50Show the cross to everybody.
00:36:51I've got a cross there, look.
00:36:52Let's have a look.
00:36:54So, make sure it's dry.
00:36:56Sharpie so it shouldn't come off.
00:36:57Yeah, still there.
00:36:58The idea is to make it disappear from there.
00:37:07If it's in this hand now, I'm going to be just...
00:37:10For f***ing sake.
00:37:14How is that?
00:37:24Come on, do another one.
00:37:25Who'd like to see another one?
00:37:26Yeah!
00:37:27Come on, what have you got?
00:37:28Have you got a piece of paper there?
00:37:30Uh, yes.
00:37:32I've got a penny.
00:37:33I'm just going to do some marking.
00:37:37I'm going to do some things for you.
00:37:37We'll start here.
00:37:38Take the pen.
00:37:39It's not over there.
00:37:39I was at the top.
00:37:40Yeah, yep.
00:37:41Give me a number from, say, from one to ten.
00:37:44Nine.
00:37:45Nine, write it down.
00:37:46Nine.
00:37:47Great.
00:37:47We'll go for, let's see, the lady right there with the glass up.
00:37:52Yep.
00:37:53I need another number from nine to 19.
00:37:56Uh, eleven.
00:37:57Eleven.
00:37:58I think it was a man.
00:37:59That's a bit embarrassing.
00:38:00Right.
00:38:00We're maybe in a world of trouble here.
00:38:05It's good at us out, right?
00:38:08Let's move it on quickly.
00:38:13Um, yes.
00:38:14Uh, Richard.
00:38:15Yes.
00:38:15A number from 11 to 21.
00:38:18Nineteen.
00:38:19Nineteen.
00:38:20Are you sure?
00:38:20Yes.
00:38:21Nineteen.
00:38:22Write it down.
00:38:22Brilliant.
00:38:23Nineteen there, yeah?
00:38:23Perfect.
00:38:24Yes.
00:38:24Uh, uh, we'll go for this guy here in a blue jacket.
00:38:28How are you doing?
00:38:29Actually, that's a woman.
00:38:30LAUGHTER
00:38:32It's so hard to tell.
00:38:37Um, a number from 19 to 29, please.
00:38:4227.
00:38:4327.
00:38:44Write that down.
00:38:44Gilles Villeneuve's old number.
00:38:47We'll go for this gentleman right here with a white T-shirt.
00:38:51The gender-fluid gentleman.
00:38:52Yes.
00:38:53A number from 27 to 37.
00:38:56Three.
00:38:5733.
00:38:58Write that down.
00:38:59And finally, the lady at the end here with the long hair.
00:39:01Um, can we have a number between 33 and 49?
00:39:0442.
00:39:0542.
00:39:0642.
00:39:07So, 9, 11, 19, 27, 33 and 42.
00:39:10These, obviously, are the numbers we randomly generated today.
00:39:13A couple of years ago, uh, I picked six numbers myself.
00:39:17They're like my lucky numbers.
00:39:18And I went to a shop and I bought a lottery ticket.
00:39:20Um, and I won.
00:39:22Only a tenner.
00:39:23But, you know, I won something.
00:39:25And I actually...
00:39:26I'll keep that ticket in my wallet.
00:39:28There you go.
00:39:29No, no, no.
00:39:30Keep it in my wallet.
00:39:31No.
00:39:32For good luck.
00:39:33And, um...
00:39:34Where's the camera here?
00:39:35Can you see that?
00:39:36No.
00:39:37There's a lottery ticket there.
00:39:38This is a lottery ticket.
00:39:39I think you'll find the numbers quite interesting if you want to read them out loud.
00:39:42So, you...
00:39:45I'll need my glasses on a lottery ticket.
00:39:47So, let's just...
00:39:48What was the first number?
00:39:50Nine.
00:39:51Nine right there.
00:39:52Eleven.
00:39:53Eleven.
00:39:54Nineteen.
00:39:55Nineteen for Richard.
00:39:56Twenty-seven.
00:39:57Twenty-seven.
00:39:58Thirty-three.
00:39:59Thirty-three.
00:40:00And the last one?
00:40:01Forty-two.
00:40:02I see a lottery ticket.
00:40:03I mean, it's like...
00:40:04It is a lot...
00:40:05I'm...
00:40:06I'm...
00:40:07I'm...
00:40:08I'm staggered.
00:40:09But anyway, look.
00:40:10We haven't finished yet.
00:40:11Shall we see what the Americans can do?
00:40:12Come on then, you two.
00:40:13Let's have a look.
00:40:14What have you got?
00:40:15Well, you know, I was asking Dynamo.
00:40:16You're a member of the Magic Circle, right?
00:40:17Yeah, yeah.
00:40:18We are not, and Teller and I have a reputation, not...
00:40:20not ill-deserved for giving away a lot of money.
00:40:23You know, I was asking Dynamo.
00:40:25You're a member of the Magic Circle, right?
00:40:26Yeah, yeah.
00:40:27We are not, and Teller and I have a reputation, not ill-deserved for giving away a lot of money.
00:40:31Magic Secrets.
00:40:32Yeah, you do.
00:40:33I mean, you always say hang up tricks.
00:40:34Yeah, we have done that, yeah.
00:40:35So they will not let us be members.
00:40:37So that got us thinking, could we do a trick that would fool the Magic Circle while giving
00:40:42away, uh, all the very principles we've given away?
00:40:46And the first thing we gave away in 1985, way back then, one of the David Letterman program,
00:40:50and gave away the idea of fake blindfolds that are used by magicians.
00:40:55As a matter of fact, we said every blindfold used by a magician is fake, which we've stood
00:40:59by.
00:41:00We're going to have a blindfold that can't be faked, which is Dynamo.
00:41:03Teller's going to stand up here.
00:41:04And Dynamo, just make sure that Teller can't see.
00:41:07Okay.
00:41:08Come over there and just, uh, make sure that Teller can't, no, not permanently, but just
00:41:13for now.
00:41:14Just put your hands right over his eyes there so he can't see.
00:41:17Nobody needs to be gentle.
00:41:18It's not me.
00:41:19Cool, cool.
00:41:20All you gotta do is make sure he can't see, you know?
00:41:22How many fingers am I holding up?
00:41:23Now, we've been, uh, we've been accused of giving away the idea of marked cards.
00:41:30Marked cards are very hard to try.
00:41:31Even professional gamblers sometimes can't determine if they're marked.
00:41:34But Dynamo's going to make sure they're not marked.
00:41:36It has to be dealt face down until his right hands that the cards were marked, which they
00:41:40are not.
00:41:41Teller would have to see.
00:41:42And Dynamo is making sure they can't see.
00:41:43The other thing we gave away was, uh, on the Johnny Carson program.
00:41:47We gave away the idea of a card force.
00:41:50That it's easy to do a trick if you know in advance what card's going to be picked.
00:41:54And one of the ways you can do a force like that, Jeremy, is to, um, have all the cards
00:41:59be the same.
00:42:00Yeah.
00:42:01Then you just have a card selected.
00:42:02You already know what it's going to be.
00:42:03But if you stand up for a second, Jeremy, I think it'd be a little easier for us.
00:42:05I can become vertical.
00:42:06I want you to make sure you look over these and make sure they are not all the same.
00:42:10I'll try to fan them all out.
00:42:12No, that's a pack of cards.
00:42:13Yeah, it's a pack of cards.
00:42:14Now, um, another way you can do a card force is you can use sleight of hand to force the
00:42:19bottom card, the top card, or even a card in the middle.
00:42:22But I'm going to eliminate sleight of hand by using your hands.
00:42:25Okay?
00:42:26So I'm going to give you, uh, I'll give you most of the deck right here.
00:42:29Just take most.
00:42:30And I'm going to just fan them out like this.
00:42:31Fan them out.
00:42:32And don't let me see.
00:42:33But just, just think of one.
00:42:34Don't even point to it.
00:42:35Don't cut to it.
00:42:36Just look over all the cards you have.
00:42:38You have most of the deck.
00:42:39And then just think of one card.
00:42:40Don't even look here.
00:42:41Just think of it.
00:42:42And then close them up so I can't even see what you're doing.
00:42:43And then give those cards a good shuffle.
00:42:46Or give them that kind of shuffle.
00:42:47Good, that's good.
00:42:48But probably face down so you can't tell what you're shuffling there.
00:42:50So you've thought of one card.
00:42:52You have no idea where it is in this deck.
00:42:54Is that right?
00:42:55Now, magicians often want you to, uh, misremember the sequence of events.
00:43:00We want you to very much remember the sequence.
00:43:03The card is only in your head.
00:43:04Is that right?
00:43:05Yeah.
00:43:06It's nowhere else.
00:43:07And the cards are all mixed up.
00:43:08You have no idea where it is there, right?
00:43:09I'm going to put these in your hand.
00:43:10Now, the order of these will not change.
00:43:12I'm not going to touch them again.
00:43:13I will not touch them again.
00:43:14Okay?
00:43:15Yeah.
00:43:16Now that my hands are off, I won't touch them again.
00:43:17What was the name of the card?
00:43:18King of Hearts.
00:43:19Okay.
00:43:20Now you're going to go over there and you're going to deal the cards one at a time from the
00:43:23top, face down to tell his right hand.
00:43:25Okay?
00:43:26Into his hand?
00:43:27Into his right hand.
00:43:28Yeah.
00:43:29Dynamo, make sure he can't see.
00:43:30He can't see nothing.
00:43:31See, we're just being whipping boys again, Dynamo, as English.
00:43:35Okay, Dynamo, was he able to see him for a moment?
00:43:49Nothing.
00:43:50Jeremy, what was the name of your card?
00:43:51King of Hearts.
00:43:52King of Hearts.
00:43:53Look at the next card.
00:43:54Oh, for Christ.
00:43:55Thought of a card out of a shuffled jet.
00:43:57Well...
00:44:10You came here, of course, to do your laps.
00:44:12And as we can see in the rapidly fading light, the weather has not been clement.
00:44:17In fact, when we arrived at the track this morning, it looked like this.
00:44:21And then you can see the problem.
00:44:23That bit, you can sort of see where the track goes.
00:44:25We've got another shot.
00:44:26I think we've got a moving shot.
00:44:27Now, somewhere in there is a racetrack.
00:44:30Which makes it quite tricky, I should imagine, to see where you would go.
00:44:34You did it first, didn't you?
00:44:35Yeah.
00:44:36And there was a particularly fine moment, I have to say, on the...
00:44:39Well, it's supposed to be a flat-out corner when it's dry.
00:44:42Yeah.
00:44:43But it really wasn't.
00:44:44I mean, the weather was improving.
00:44:45It was thawing.
00:44:46Yeah.
00:44:47And it all went really brilliantly wrong.
00:44:48Who'd like to see Dynamo going round in a few circles?
00:44:52Yeah?
00:44:53Do you want to see that?
00:44:54Look at this.
00:44:55This is a flat-out corner, and then you just can see it's going, and then...
00:44:59That's a properly big slide-off, that one.
00:45:02Round of applause for that, though.
00:45:04We like that.
00:45:05Is that scary?
00:45:09No, it was well fun.
00:45:10I was like, yeah, I could have done this all day.
00:45:12It's so much fun.
00:45:13Who'd like to see the lap that eventually resulted?
00:45:15Yeah?
00:45:16Yeah!
00:45:17Let's have a look.
00:45:18Let's have a look.
00:45:19Dynamo's lap.
00:45:20Here it comes.
00:45:21Thawed out.
00:45:22A nice, smooth, quiet start.
00:45:23And he's away.
00:45:24Right.
00:45:25Let's do this!
00:45:26Okay, that's...
00:45:27Ooh, that's quick through that...
00:45:28Ooh!
00:45:29That's...
00:45:30Yes, that's cutting that corner, but nicely done.
00:45:32Nicely held.
00:45:33And now we go on to what is normally gravel, but...
00:45:36Er, what's it look like now?
00:45:38It's just mud and slush.
00:45:40God, that looks tricky.
00:45:42But you're keeping it a little bit wide through there,
00:45:44but not bad at all.
00:45:48Again, not bad.
00:45:49Not fast, but...
00:45:52I don't think I'm on my track any more, guys.
00:45:55No, it's still Brambit yet.
00:45:56No, that is a James May cornering speed through that one, but...
00:46:00Is it cool putting an attraction down all right?
00:46:02No, it was all over the place.
00:46:04It doesn't...
00:46:05No, that is nice.
00:46:06Yep, splashing through the last bit.
00:46:08Difficult bit too, as we call it.
00:46:09It's driving on water, this is.
00:46:10It is, yeah.
00:46:11It's almost Jesus-esque.
00:46:13And then now we get back onto the tarmac.
00:46:16Ooh, I see that.
00:46:17Tons of front-end grip there all of a sudden.
00:46:19And there, look at the way the front's turning in.
00:46:22That's unbelievable.
00:46:23Now we go on to the really fast bit, ordinarily.
00:46:26Come on, then.
00:46:27There we go.
00:46:29This is where you lost it in the practice,
00:46:32but you haven't lost it this time.
00:46:34Our front is suddenly sticking really well.
00:46:37Coming up to the last corner.
00:46:39And a little bit of understeer through there,
00:46:41but nicely tamed.
00:46:42And there we are across the line, everybody!
00:46:45Wow!
00:46:47Nicely done.
00:46:48Not easy.
00:46:49Not easy.
00:46:50Not easy.
00:46:53Now then.
00:46:54After you'd had a go, it was your turn.
00:46:56Yes, that's good.
00:46:57You enjoy yourself?
00:46:58I had a very good time, yeah.
00:46:59And I had Teller as a passenger, which was helpful.
00:47:01Oh, that would help.
00:47:03Balance it out nicely.
00:47:04Yeah, sure.
00:47:05You also had a moment, shall we say?
00:47:07I did, I did.
00:47:08Would anybody like to see this moment?
00:47:10Yeah!
00:47:11Let's have a look.
00:47:12This is quick, coming into the last corner.
00:47:14That's understeer.
00:47:15Oh, somebody's been off there already.
00:47:17Look, you can see the time marks,
00:47:18but not as far as you went.
00:47:19That is impressive.
00:47:21That's the furthest anybody's been off that track.
00:47:25By a long way.
00:47:26You're definitely winning that so far.
00:47:27Yeah, yeah.
00:47:28Definitely winning that.
00:47:29Furthest off the track, I got that.
00:47:30Okay.
00:47:31But then, you've got a lap together.
00:47:32I did.
00:47:33Both of you.
00:47:34Let's have a look at this lap.
00:47:36Yeah, another nice tummy-dilly start.
00:47:39Roaring off down to the first corner.
00:47:41So, we're going, Taylor.
00:47:42Can you feel that?
00:47:43Yes.
00:47:44There's a lot that's all scary in there.
00:47:47Right, that's tummy-dilly done through there.
00:47:49Keeping it really on the island.
00:47:50Unlike dynamo.
00:47:51Was it mad?
00:47:52And...
00:47:53Onto the gravel.
00:47:54Well, the mud.
00:47:55Well, the slush.
00:47:56Whatever you want to call it.
00:48:01I'm going quickly here.
00:48:02Oh-ho-ho!
00:48:03That was well held there.
00:48:06And that's nice driving.
00:48:08I'm under control.
00:48:09Shut up, Taylor.
00:48:10I got it.
00:48:12Is he putting you off?
00:48:13No, this is...
00:48:14Sometimes, when it appears to be slow, it's fast.
00:48:17Sometimes, when it looks fast, it's slow.
00:48:20This is looking fast.
00:48:22I'm going to be honest.
00:48:23But there's a lot of sideways action,
00:48:25which, of course, isn't forward motion,
00:48:26which is a problem.
00:48:27Right, now, coming back...
00:48:28But it looks really good.
00:48:29Oh, it looks tremendous.
00:48:30This is great television.
00:48:35And you can hear the bark of the two-litre there
00:48:38as you hit the stroke.
00:48:39We're going...
00:48:40Now!
00:48:41Oh!
00:48:44And coming up to the...
00:48:45This is the corner, not this one,
00:48:46but the next one that caught you out practicing.
00:48:49Ooh, you're trying to get a Scandi flick going there,
00:48:51but a bit too soon.
00:48:53Understeer again, but you've held it this time.
00:48:55And there we are!
00:48:56Yep!
00:48:57Across the line, everybody!
00:49:08Right.
00:49:09Well, I have the times here.
00:49:10OK.
00:49:13We'll start with you.
00:49:141, 39, 3.
00:49:18It's not alright.
00:49:19It's really slow.
00:49:20I don't think it's alright.
00:49:21But...
00:49:24You've got the snow symbol.
00:49:26So far, you're the fastest person ever
00:49:29to go round our track in the snow.
00:49:33But are you faster than Penn & Teller?
00:49:36There's actually excitement here, isn't there?
00:49:37Yeah.
00:49:38It's nervousness.
00:49:39You did it in one...
00:49:4230...
00:49:453.8.
00:49:47...and...
00:49:52...I've won it.
00:49:53Commiserations.
00:49:54Commiserations.
00:49:55Congratulations, gentlemen.
00:49:58Congratulations.
00:49:59That was fantastic.
00:50:02And thank you so much, all of you,
00:50:04for coming along and doing all this magic.
00:50:06But we must now say goodbye to Dynamo
00:50:08and the world's fastest magicians, Penn & Teller!
00:50:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:50:19Now, tonight, we are attempting to break the British water speed record
00:50:24for amphibious cars.
00:50:26Yeah.
00:50:27Now, earlier on, Jeremy had a go at making something
00:50:28and his effort was, frankly, terrible.
00:50:31No, it wasn't.
00:50:32It was.
00:50:33Yeah, so Hammond and I took control of the project
00:50:35and what we decided to do was take a 1970s three-wheeler
00:50:39with a removable roof called a Bond Bug.
00:50:42Here's a picture of it.
00:50:43And mate that with a jet ski
00:50:45to create something that we had christened the Pond Bug.
00:50:49And then, when it was finished, take it to the Lake District
00:50:52and something called Coniston Speed Week.
00:50:58Over the decades, many fearless daredevils
00:51:00have powered across this five-mile stretch of water
00:51:03in the pursuit of new records.
00:51:09One was the legendary Donald Campbell,
00:51:15who was killed here in 1967
00:51:18whilst trying to break the 300-mile-per-hour barrier.
00:51:30Today, in Speed Week, that spirit of adventure lives on,
00:51:34as people from all over the world come to push their boats,
00:51:37their engines and themselves to the absolute limit.
00:51:42This was speed heaven,
00:51:44and I felt sure our fully road-legal Pond Bug
00:51:48would blend in perfectly.
00:51:50Good morning.
00:52:04Good morning.
00:52:09Morning.
00:52:20Look at all this!
00:52:25Having parked up, I went off to find Hammond and Clarkson,
00:52:29who reckoned he'd come up with something better.
00:52:32Are you ready? You're gonna not believe this!
00:52:39OK!
00:52:41Behold my genius!
00:52:45Oh, hello.
00:52:49Oh, yeah.
00:52:51Oh, that is actually quite surprising.
00:52:54So the tracks drop down when you're near land?
00:52:57Er, very clever.
00:53:00I mean, I'm sorry.
00:53:02I'm gonna stand back a little bit.
00:53:04Have I or have I not created something brilliant?
00:53:07No.
00:53:08You didn't build it.
00:53:09And it's very cool, but you can't use it.
00:53:11Why not?
00:53:12Because it's not road legal.
00:53:13We'll put a number plate on it.
00:53:15It's not an amphibious car, it's a boat.
00:53:17That's a boat with legs on it.
00:53:19It's not eligible for what we're doing.
00:53:21Well, where's your car?
00:53:22Ah!
00:53:30What do you think?
00:53:31Oh, yeah.
00:53:33Look at it!
00:53:34That is a quality job.
00:53:36Hmm?
00:53:37Why are you pulling that face?
00:53:38It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
00:53:41It's the coolest thing there has ever been.
00:53:43Look at it!
00:53:44What are they?
00:53:45These are the doors.
00:53:46Yeah, it's undercarriage doors.
00:53:47What doors?
00:53:48Well, so you retract the undercarriage, the front wheel goes up,
00:53:50and then these doors shut, you've got a smooth hull.
00:53:52So, what do the back wheels do?
00:53:55What about the chine?
00:53:58What do you mean, what about the chine?
00:53:59Well, look at the chine at the back.
00:54:01This is to attempt a water speed record.
00:54:04I know!
00:54:05This, right, this is what you need for a high-speed run.
00:54:08A smooth, rounded chine.
00:54:10When this is up here, it's sharp.
00:54:13So, as you're going along, you catch that, and it's going to go.
00:54:17Well, we have to make it fit round the wheel,
00:54:19otherwise it wouldn't work on the road.
00:54:20We could have made it round.
00:54:22That was a difficult fabrication job.
00:54:23It was much easier to do it like that.
00:54:24I'm sure it's easier, but it's created a death trap.
00:54:29Wait.
00:54:30Keep the nose down.
00:54:31Yes, I know what it's for.
00:54:32Well, there you go, then.
00:54:33Isn't this thing just, Chris, going to porpoise?
00:54:35We don't know.
00:54:36No, probably.
00:54:37Anyone who gets in that is effectively committing suicide.
00:54:41They're not.
00:54:42Anyone who gets in that is going to look the coolest person here.
00:54:44That's fact one.
00:54:45Which one of you two is driving it?
00:54:47No, that's interesting, because...
00:54:48We've had to think about that.
00:54:50It's got to be somebody with a speedboat, powerboat racing license.
00:54:53Yes.
00:54:54Have you got one of that?
00:54:55I have got one, and...
00:54:56I haven't got one.
00:54:57Do I know anybody who does have one?
00:54:59Yes, I do have a racing license.
00:55:00Well, there you go, then.
00:55:01And here is your racing boat.
00:55:03Look what we've built for you.
00:55:05I am not getting in that.
00:55:07Yes, you are.
00:55:08I'm not.
00:55:09I'm not.
00:55:10I'm not.
00:55:11No.
00:55:12You have to.
00:55:13I am not.
00:55:15And with that, back to the tent.
00:55:20This is broken.
00:55:21No, line it up with the...
00:55:22It is broken.
00:55:23Otherwise it would be...
00:55:24Look, it's broken.
00:55:25Use the removable steering wheel before.
00:55:26And line up the...
00:55:27There you go.
00:55:28I've mended it.
00:55:30Knowing that 85% of people who attempt speed records are killed,
00:55:34and that the boat had been designed by imbeciles,
00:55:37I was fervently hoping that it would at least be easy to operate.
00:55:42However...
00:55:45You have to drive it into the water first.
00:55:47Yes.
00:55:48It's still in road mode.
00:55:49And you do that using this.
00:55:50That just teases it in.
00:55:51A little push, a little push, and it goes in.
00:55:53Once you're in the water, you have to retract the wheels,
00:55:56and then you disengage the fan and the clutch.
00:55:59Then you have to close the nose wheel.
00:56:01If you push it down once, you're in neutral.
00:56:03You'll still rotate round, because the jet's still running.
00:56:05Push it up.
00:56:06And you'll see that current will flow on the ammeter.
00:56:09When you get a current certain...
00:56:10Jet thrust trim is here, and it will appear on your screen here.
00:56:13Hold that.
00:56:14And that does reverse that.
00:56:15This one, you pull it fully back.
00:56:18If you knew, and you obviously did know, all along,
00:56:22that I was going to be driving this,
00:56:24why have you made this thing so complicated?
00:56:26That's not complicated.
00:56:27That's the same business.
00:56:28We've simplified it.
00:56:29These instruments are from the jet ski.
00:56:30You've got two speakers.
00:56:31Comforting.
00:56:32Comforting.
00:56:33When you're on holiday,
00:56:34you've looked at those and thought,
00:56:35I'm having a lovely time.
00:56:36That's what you're doing today.
00:56:37The water will be colder.
00:56:39Why don't you take the checklist with you?
00:56:41Because it will blow out.
00:56:42It tells you the things you've got to do.
00:56:43It's so easy.
00:56:44We've spent hours on that.
00:56:46The thing to remember...
00:56:4739 miles an hour is really fast.
00:56:49Yeah, it is quite fast.
00:56:50It is really fast.
00:56:51But if you do 40...
00:56:52Yes.
00:56:53...then you're a world record holder.
00:56:54Step out of here.
00:56:55Not world.
00:56:56It's a British record.
00:56:57British.
00:56:58What better record?
00:56:59Well, what other sort of record would you want?
00:57:00To set a speed record,
00:57:06you have to drive past the start line marker boys.
00:57:12You're then timed over a kilometer,
00:57:14after which you turn round
00:57:17and do exactly the same thing in the opposite direction.
00:57:23Your result is an average speed taken from the two runs.
00:57:27It all sounded very terrifying.
00:57:38Please sink like a stone.
00:57:39Please sink.
00:57:40Sink.
00:57:41Sink.
00:57:42Sink.
00:57:44No, it isn't.
00:57:45Damn it.
00:57:46It looks good.
00:57:47It looks brilliant.
00:57:48Okay, we have every faith in you.
00:57:50We don't have every faith.
00:57:52Nope.
00:57:53No faith.
00:57:54Wheels!
00:57:55Wheels coming up.
00:58:00It was now time for the checklist.
00:58:03What do I do with the clutch?
00:58:05I forgot them there.
00:58:06Doors.
00:58:07Doors.
00:58:08Is that right?
00:58:09How do I get it out?
00:58:10Wait a minute.
00:58:11Right, bilge.
00:58:12No, that's bilge.
00:58:13It's not right.
00:58:14No, it's just...
00:58:15Oh, this is terrible!
00:58:16Hammond!
00:58:17Merr, you idiots!
00:58:18Why is he just going round and round?
00:58:20Is there a record of going round and round?
00:58:22Don't know, but if there is, it's in the back.
00:58:24Right, I think we need to go to a better viewing position to see his run.
00:58:27Let's get over there.
00:58:28With the ridiculous checklist completed, I had to get some speed up so I could cross the start line at full chat.
00:58:39Visor down.
00:58:44It's on the plane now.
00:58:45We're on the plane.
00:58:46It's very spray-y.
00:58:49It's a badly designed hull.
00:58:53But the hull was the least of my problems.
00:58:56Jesus Christ, he's steering!
00:59:00Oh!
00:59:04It's a nightmare.
00:59:06I can't steer it.
00:59:07I literally cannot steer it.
00:59:11I think he's experimenting with it.
00:59:12I think he's sort of testing.
00:59:14Oh, my God!
00:59:20It looks pretty good.
00:59:21It looks fabulous.
00:59:22I bet it handles like a dream.
00:59:23Oh, come on!
00:59:25The crush into the bloody safety boat.
00:59:29Look, he's making curves.
00:59:30That looks tremendous.
00:59:31Yes!
00:59:33Three times I tried to get the pond bug pointing in the right direction.
00:59:40Absolutely impossible!
00:59:41And then I thought, salt it, put my foot down, and went for it.
00:59:51Oh, Christ!
00:59:52It's only my skill that is keeping this pointing in a straight line.
01:00:00And to make matters worse for a man on a speed run, I had no idea how fast I was going.
01:00:05I've got a GPS speedo, but I can't read it, because there isn't any GPS.
01:00:16Why have they given me such shoddy workmanship?
01:00:18Oh, my goodness!
01:00:21Oh, heavens!
01:00:26Oh, Christ!
01:00:27That's the worst thing I've ever done.
01:00:29Ever.
01:00:30And now, I've got to turn around and do it again.
01:00:33And I've got to wait for my own wash to die down.
01:00:35That's what did for Campbell.
01:00:37He went back too quickly.
01:00:38Here we go.
01:00:40That is my foot pinned to the floor!
01:00:42Jesus!
01:00:44It's starting to chain-walk!
01:00:46It's really bad!
01:00:47Ah!
01:00:48And then...
01:00:50Oh, my God!
01:00:51Oh, no, we've got a power problem.
01:00:54I'm losing power!
01:00:57May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
01:01:01And then...
01:01:02Oh, my God!
01:01:03Oh, no, we've got a power problem.
01:01:05I'm losing power!
01:01:07May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
01:01:10Oh, my God!
01:01:12Oh, my God!
01:01:13Oh, my God!
01:01:14And Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
01:01:19It sounds a little bit inconsistent.
01:01:22That's maybe him feathering the throttle.
01:01:24He's possibly finessing it to keep it on the plane.
01:01:28Oh, no, come on!
01:01:39Jesus, a lot of smoke.
01:01:42Well, that was a disaster.
01:01:43I've got no GPS, so I don't know how fast that was.
01:01:47And the engine is cutting out all the time.
01:01:51Basically, it was time for a stern word with the engineering department.
01:01:57Right, you two.
01:01:58Yeah?
01:01:59Not only have you built something ugly and complicated.
01:02:02It's not.
01:02:02No, it's rubbish and lethal.
01:02:04In what way?
01:02:05The worst thing is the steering.
01:02:06You cannot get it going in a straight line.
01:02:09The steering is a horrible compromise,
01:02:10because it's got to work the steering wheel and it's got to steer the boat.
01:02:13Well, compromise is a way of describing it.
01:02:15Equal is another way.
01:02:18It looks great.
01:02:19Great out there.
01:02:20Is it?
01:02:20Yeah.
01:02:21I'm assuming about four miles an hour.
01:02:23Well, that's a start.
01:02:25Then an official came on the tannoy to announce my result.
01:02:28Right, it equals 46 for Bomberg.
01:02:3145.
01:02:32Jeremy Barton.
01:02:33Yeah.
01:02:34South, 47.362.
01:02:38Interes, 48.274.
01:02:41Average 47.81, which is a new national record.
01:02:46We did it!
01:02:50What do you mean, we did it?
01:02:51Would you have swum it?
01:02:53I did it!
01:02:54We did it!
01:02:56Thank you so much.
01:02:59Really, thank you.
01:03:04Thank you all for applauding me.
01:03:07No, wait, they're applauding us as a team.
01:03:10Listen, I'm sorry to go on about this, but Roger Bannister was the first to break the four-minute mile, not the man who made his shoes.
01:03:17Edmund Hillary was the first to go up Everest, not the man who made his rucksack.
01:03:22So?
01:03:22So I was the first, I was the first to do that.
01:03:25I broke the record, not you two.
01:03:27Yeah, the truth is, to be honest, we failed.
01:03:30I mean, you didn't fail.
01:03:31I mean, if you'd have spent less time getting your hair cut, more time working on the engine so that it ran properly, I reckon that thing would probably do 60 or 70.
01:03:40On flat water, it definitely would.
01:03:42Yeah, but the thing is, we gave it the square chines, that really terrible steering, the fantastically complicated knobs and buttons and things.
01:03:51Basically, we built a death trap and it didn't work.
01:03:56Well, so you're, just get this straight, you were hoping I would become one of the 85% who died trying to break a record.
01:04:03Yes.
01:04:05So we're now actively trying to kill each other.
01:04:08Yes, and we can't even do that properly.
01:04:11No one on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
01:04:14Thank you so much for watching.
01:04:15Goodbye!
01:04:21See you next time.
01:04:51Bye!
01:05:17Bye!
01:05:18Bye!
01:05:18Bye!
01:05:18Bye!
01:05:18Bye!