- 4 months ago
travel and cars
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CreativityTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:01Hello.
00:01:02Hello.
00:01:03Hello.
00:01:04Thank you, baby.
00:01:06Hello.
00:01:07Thank you so much.
00:01:13What a welcome.
00:01:16Hello.
00:01:17Hello.
00:01:18Thank you, everyone.
00:01:19Welcome to the Grand Tour, which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.
00:01:25Now, exactly.
00:01:30Now, to most people around the world, Scotland is just a bunch of scenery and Mel Gibson with
00:01:36some paint on his face.
00:01:38But actually, it's a bit more than that.
00:01:40What we have here is a list of all the important things that were invented in America.
00:01:45OK?
00:01:46This is what the Germans came up with.
00:01:48Then we got the English contribution.
00:01:50And then, obviously, let's have a look at what France did.
00:01:55That's it.
00:01:56That's it.
00:01:57I'm not making that up.
00:01:58Actually, and the pencil shark.
00:01:59Oh, and the pencil shark.
00:02:00Oh, I forgot that.
00:02:01Now, let's have a look at the list of things that were invented by Scottish people.
00:02:06It's just...
00:02:08It's unbelievable.
00:02:09It's everything.
00:02:10It's unbelievable.
00:02:11It's everything.
00:02:12Cordyte, cloning, colour photography, percussion pack, golf, lime cordial.
00:02:20I mean, the list goes on and on.
00:02:22Buick.
00:02:23Hang on a minute.
00:02:24Why is the US Navy on there?
00:02:27I'm not joking.
00:02:28That was actually invented by a Scottish person.
00:02:31Was it?
00:02:32So was the BBC.
00:02:33So was the SAS.
00:02:34All special forces, in fact.
00:02:35And I think I know why.
00:02:37If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, you wake up in the morning, open the curtains.
00:02:42It's a lovely day.
00:02:43Think I'll go to the beach.
00:02:44In Scotland, you open the curtains.
00:02:46It's damp and cold.
00:02:48I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something.
00:02:51That's what's going on there.
00:02:53I'm surprised, actually, the English don't just say that those are British inventions.
00:02:58Ah, yes.
00:02:59The Andy Murray syndrome.
00:03:02Let's be honest, this does happen a lot.
00:03:04OK, Alexander Graham Bell.
00:03:06When he was working away with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, he was a Scottish crackpot.
00:03:11When he invented the telephone, he was a British genius.
00:03:16Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport.
00:03:19Motor racing.
00:03:20Jackie Stewart, three times Formula One world champion.
00:03:24OK, he's British.
00:03:25Jim Clark, two times Formula One world champion.
00:03:29British.
00:03:30David Coulthard.
00:03:32Scottish.
00:03:37That's how it works.
00:03:38Yeah, that's how it works.
00:03:39Maybe we should explain to people in America what's going on here.
00:03:43Yeah, exactly.
00:03:44Let me just clear this up for you.
00:03:45OK, this is how it works on this side of the pond.
00:03:47OK, this is Britain.
00:03:48Now, this bit is England, where we're from.
00:03:50Yeah.
00:03:51This bit's Scotland, where we are now.
00:03:52This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live.
00:03:54Yes, exactly.
00:03:55Now, the rules are very simple.
00:03:57If you're English and you become brilliant or do something brilliant,
00:04:01you remain English.
00:04:02If you're Scottish or Welsh and you do something brilliant,
00:04:06the English decide that you are, in fact, British.
00:04:11Yeah.
00:04:12The English really are appalling, aren't they?
00:04:14Let's just get this over.
00:04:20I tell you what, I love being in Scotland because everyone here speaks their mind.
00:04:24You don't...
00:04:25There's no ambiguity.
00:04:26There's the town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign.
00:04:29Here we go.
00:04:37This is Scotland.
00:04:40It's not just words, either.
00:04:41It's actions.
00:04:42Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport a couple of years ago?
00:04:45Yeah.
00:04:46OK, so somebody tried to explode.
00:04:48Bomb didn't go off.
00:04:49He ran off and he didn't get very far because this happened.
00:04:53Yeah.
00:04:54The Scottish way.
00:04:55That is the Scottish way.
00:04:56And, um...
00:04:57Interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since.
00:05:10Just thinking about that for a second.
00:05:12When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot on the other guy's pelvis.
00:05:15Yeah.
00:05:16Which means the guy's plums were in the middle of the impact.
00:05:20It just...
00:05:21That's how it works.
00:05:22When that terrorist woke up that morning, he must have thought, right, the worst thing
00:05:25that's going to happen to me today is I'm going to blow up.
00:05:28It wasn't, though, was it?
00:05:29No, was it?
00:05:30No, because the only thing to explode that day was his knackers.
00:05:32Oh, God.
00:05:33Can I get on with the show, please?
00:05:34Yes, good idea.
00:05:35Because in tonight's car program...
00:05:37I urinate on an engine.
00:05:41Richard wears an anorak.
00:05:44And James takes drugs.
00:05:47But first, I want to talk about Fiat.
00:05:52They're mostly known these days for the 500, which is a small retro hatchback.
00:05:57But after an absence of more than a decade, they are back in the sports car game.
00:06:01So I went down to the Ebola-drome to check out what they've come up with.
00:06:19Here it is.
00:06:20And as with the 500, you can tell straight away that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card.
00:06:27Because this car is called the 124 Spyder, in honor of their rear-wheel-drive roadster from the 70s.
00:06:37Under the skin, though, the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5.
00:06:44Fiat supplies some important things like the engine and the body.
00:06:49But both cars are built on the same production line in Japan.
00:06:55On the surface, that is no bad thing.
00:06:58I mean, you're going to sleep a lot better at night knowing that your Italian car was actually put together by the Japanese.
00:07:04However, it does raise a question.
00:07:06Is that a sports car in its own right? Or just a Mazda with a different badge on it?
00:07:12Well, before we find out, let's look a bit more closely at the badge.
00:07:18Because you'll notice it says a bath.
00:07:21A bath are Fiat's go-to people when they want to light a fire under one of their cars.
00:07:28Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there some extra zest and zing and fire.
00:07:40For starters, a bath has tuned the 1.4-litre turbocharged engine so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX-5.
00:07:500-60 takes 6.8 seconds.
00:07:57And the top speed is 145 miles an hour.
00:08:02But in a car like this, that feels like 145 million.
00:08:09Certainly bundles for me.
00:08:12And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge over its Japanese half-brother.
00:08:19I have to admit, and this comes from someone who struggles to find fault with the MX-5.
00:08:25The 124 does sound better.
00:08:30A bath have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system.
00:08:35What it does is make a small car produce a big car noise.
00:08:39It's like a cat in a lion's suit, and that's exactly the sort of panto you want.
00:08:56What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing.
00:08:59It has its own personality, and that's important.
00:09:04But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow.
00:09:07You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarthness, and that price is £30,000.
00:09:195,000 more than the top MX-5.
00:09:23That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, most notably in the handling department.
00:09:29The thing is, Abarth have given this car a limited slip diff, which makes sliding something you command.
00:09:40The MX-5 doesn't have that.
00:09:41Neither does it have this sport button here, which relaxes the stability control quite a lot.
00:09:59So, what we have here is a car that's fast, sounds good, and is great fun in the corners.
00:10:17But there's something else very important about the 124.
00:10:24I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference between this and the MX-5.
00:10:36But everything I do in this car, I'm doing in an Italian sports car.
00:10:39And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood.
00:10:48It does feel so good to be in a small Italian roadster again.
00:10:52It's about time.
00:10:55Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions and make you smile like a child.
00:11:02Right down to the retro black bonnet.
00:11:04God, I love a black bonnet!
00:11:07It's just...
00:11:09It's just...
00:11:11It's a black bonnet!
00:11:13Only cool cars had black bonnets.
00:11:14Fact!
00:11:16I really like the MX-5.
00:11:19But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations and added some Italian showmanship.
00:11:27That's why I'd have it over the Mazda.
00:11:30I don't just like it.
00:11:32I love it.
00:11:34I love it.
00:11:37I love it.
00:11:39I love it.
00:11:41Because...
00:11:43As you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car.
00:11:47Yeah.
00:11:48Love them to bits, especially the Alfa.
00:11:50However, I've driven an ordinary cooking Fiat 124 and that is not as good as an MX-5.
00:11:56Not even close.
00:11:57No, that's true.
00:11:58You'd be better off with the MX-5 unless you want the fastest MX-5, in which case by the Abarth.
00:12:03Quite.
00:12:04Have we just done consumer advice?
00:12:07A little bit. A little bit. We'll move it on quickly.
00:12:09Feels weird.
00:12:10Yes, we will move it on and we'll find out how fast the Abarth goes round the Ebola drone.
00:12:16That of course means handing it over to a man who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin.
00:12:20Yep.
00:12:21It's the American.
00:12:23There he is, poised and ready.
00:12:27And he's off with a skitter of wheelspin and a fruity noise from the exhaust.
00:12:33Straight on to a soaking wet isn't straight.
00:12:36What the hell has happened in my life that I'm over here driving a Fiat in the wet in England?
00:12:46He may not be enjoying it, but he is very good at it as he carves the 124 through the standing water, making the best use of its 170 horsepower.
00:12:59Really leaning on it as he approaches your name here. That is ballsy.
00:13:03Now, heavy on the brakes, swoops around this fast left-hander and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish oversteer back onto the isn't.
00:13:15Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing or use it for a spit cup.
00:13:20Charming.
00:13:22Nerds will note these conditions would be better suited to a barquetta.
00:13:25If you like this car, I bet you've got a lot of fancy cushions in your house.
00:13:31Yeah, because as we know, cushions are, of course, communist.
00:13:34Right, into the tight complex of old lady's house.
00:13:38Keeping it nice and tidy through there.
00:13:41And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint down to substation.
00:13:47Front hazards coming on under hard braking. All Fiat's do that for some reason.
00:13:51Armful of opposite lock into field of sheep.
00:13:53More exuberance through there and across the line.
00:13:57Yeah!
00:14:01It was...
00:14:03It was a ballsy entry to your name here, that one. It really was.
00:14:07Anyway, we must now find out where it ends up on the board.
00:14:12Let's have a look.
00:14:14Oh, dear.
00:14:16Oh, dear, Hammond.
00:14:18So you've recommended what is officially the slowest car in the world.
00:14:20Well, no, slowest car on our board.
00:14:24Our board is the world.
00:14:25It is.
00:14:27Oh, look, it was wet.
00:14:29That lake's wet. Someone once did 200 miles an hour on that.
00:14:32And?
00:14:33Well, then they were killed, I admit, but...
00:14:35Quite, quite. So let's move on. It's time now for us to take a gentle cruise down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street.
00:14:42That really hurt.
00:14:51It did.
00:14:53Just to be absolutely clear with you, that really, really hurt.
00:14:56Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle.
00:14:59Anyway, let's move it on.
00:15:00Yes, I would like to converse about something very important. Why is it that we have leather seats in cars? Because, in reality, it's a terrible material. I mean, it's too shiny and slippery and it's too hot or it's too cold. It's rubbish.
00:15:13No, I know. I think it's because we got hung up on the idea, didn't we, that leather is somehow posh on a car seat. But it didn't used to be like that. In the old days, the posh people sat in the back of the car on cloth seats. And it was the chauffeur, the driver sitting at the front. They gave him leather because it's hard-wearing. I've got a picture here of an old car.
00:15:28Look, they didn't even extend the roof to cover it. Just another three feet would have done it. And I think that's deliberate. I think that's to remind him that he's scum.
00:15:38Yeah.
00:15:40What would you two like to have instead of leather?
00:15:43Well, there's all sorts of things you could use. You could have cable knit. Wool.
00:15:47Well, which is, but it's nice, it's cosy. I'm just desperately looking around. I mean, his jumper would make quite a good car seat.
00:15:53Yeah, be cosy.
00:15:55It's nylon.
00:15:56He is. Or pleblon. One of the two.
00:15:59It's a good idea. These are good ideas.
00:16:01It isn't a good idea. Right. It isn't. Or, how's this for an idea? Let me just throw it out there.
00:16:06Why not take a cow, turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks, and then instead of throwing the skin away, use it to cover the seats of your car?
00:16:16Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work.
00:16:18That's only because you two have decided to be vegetarians.
00:16:23Well, no, hang on, we...
00:16:24No, they have. Well, a bit.
00:16:25They actually have.
00:16:26They woke up together one morning and went, let's not eat meat anymore.
00:16:29OK, we didn't wake up together one morning.
00:16:31It's absolutely clear on that. It's just a fine definition.
00:16:35They mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion at pretty much the same day.
00:16:40Anyway, we still eat chicken.
00:16:41Yep. And chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:43It is.
00:16:45Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:47If you cut a chicken's head off, it still runs around.
00:16:51There you go.
00:16:52Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, it's a higher-order vegetable.
00:16:55It's a vegetable. Scientifically, it is.
00:16:57OK, then, well, we'll make the seats in your cars out of chicken skins.
00:17:00Actually, that's not a bad idea.
00:17:02Wouldn't a chicken skin seat just look like a giant scrotum?
00:17:06Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat.
00:17:09So, now, let's move on, shall we? I've got something.
00:17:12Back in the 1920s, OK, a Scottish company made a car which they said
00:17:17was for women.
00:17:18Got a picture of it here.
00:17:19It's called the Galloway.
00:17:20Yeah, but, um, what about that car makes it for women?
00:17:24It's just a car.
00:17:25Well, they said that it had a smaller-than-usual steering wheel
00:17:28and a more reliable engine.
00:17:30Oh, yeah, of course,
00:17:31cos men don't want a reliable engine, do they?
00:17:33It's only women.
00:17:34I hate reliable engines.
00:17:35Also, you could drive it standing up,
00:17:36which is what women did in the life of the world.
00:17:38This sort of thing is still going on today, actually,
00:17:40cos I've got news of one here.
00:17:41A car that's been launched called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan.
00:17:45We have a picture of it. There you go.
00:17:47I'm sorry, how do you spell Mii?
00:17:48M-I-I.
00:17:50It's Mii.
00:17:51It's a Mii.
00:17:52It's a Mii.
00:17:53It's a Mii.
00:17:54I've got a Mii.
00:17:56Well, it's been done in collaboration with Cosmopolitan magazine.
00:17:59It's aimed at Cosmogirl, it says.
00:18:01And, are you ready?
00:18:02The headlights have an eyeliner shape.
00:18:04No, they don't.
00:18:05No, they don't.
00:18:06It's easy to park.
00:18:08Oh, yeah, cos...
00:18:09I much prefer a car that's hard to park, because I'm a man.
00:18:13Can we just...
00:18:14Can we get something clear here, OK?
00:18:16This gender splitting of cars is ridiculous.
00:18:18It's like saying, oh, a woman's airline seat,
00:18:21or a woman's matches, or a woman's... anything.
00:18:24Hello, can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?
00:18:26Exactly.
00:18:27Exactly.
00:18:28The only things I can think of that can be split by gender
00:18:31are bicycles, cos of the crossbar...
00:18:33Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:34...and underwear.
00:18:35Sometimes, yeah.
00:18:40Oversair.
00:18:41You know?
00:18:42I said that.
00:18:48I left in a hurry.
00:18:51It is, look, honestly, I just can't understand
00:18:54why people think there's such a thing as a woman's car
00:18:56and a man's car.
00:18:57No, no, it's ridiculous.
00:18:58It's not as if you drive cars with your old chap
00:18:59or your magic triangle.
00:19:00It's ridiculous.
00:19:01But then...
00:19:02There's, um...
00:19:03There is...
00:19:06There is...
00:19:07APPLAUSE
00:19:09Listen.
00:19:11That's a little graphic.
00:19:13But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car,
00:19:16and they boasted very loudly that the whole thing
00:19:18had been designed entirely by women.
00:19:21OK?
00:19:22And I've got a picture of it.
00:19:23It's a coupe with gold-wing doors and a massive engine.
00:19:25So everyone would do.
00:19:26I would definitely have done that.
00:19:27Yes.
00:19:28Yes, exactly.
00:19:29Men and women are exactly the same when it comes to cars.
00:19:31Yes.
00:19:32The end.
00:19:33Exactly.
00:19:34Right, now, you know Tesla?
00:19:35Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car,
00:19:38but that ain't so.
00:19:39There was a Scottish company back in the 60s
00:19:41made an electric car.
00:19:42I've got a picture of it here.
00:19:43Oh, God.
00:19:45It's called the Scamp, OK?
00:19:47It had a top speed of 35 miles an hour,
00:19:50a range of 20 miles,
00:19:52and I want to make it absolutely plain
00:19:54that's Scottish, not British.
00:19:56It is.
00:19:57It is, yeah.
00:19:58Very definitely.
00:19:59Yeah, that...
00:20:00Yeah.
00:20:01That is Scottish.
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:03Yeah.
00:20:04I think it was an end.
00:20:05Right, now, all over the world,
00:20:08people, by and large, buy very boring cars.
00:20:11I met a man yesterday who just spent £8,000
00:20:14on a five-year-old Ford Focus,
00:20:16and I thought, why did you do that?
00:20:18If you've got £8,000 to spend,
00:20:20why didn't you buy a used Maserati?
00:20:22And I think it's because people believe
00:20:24if you buy a used, exotic Italian car
00:20:27for £8,000, it's going to break down all the time.
00:20:30Yes, but will it?
00:20:32To find out, we actually put our own money
00:20:34on the line, and we each went out
00:20:36and bought a second-hand Maserati.
00:20:39Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous
00:20:42and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in Britain.
00:20:46So we decided to meet up in continental Europe.
00:20:52This is the racetrack we selected.
00:21:02It's just 60 miles from Calais,
00:21:04and I arrived bright and early.
00:21:14This is a Maserati by Turbo.
00:21:17First car in the world to be fitted
00:21:20with two turbochargers.
00:21:22And this particular example is the sought-after S model,
00:21:26and it's only done 24,000 miles.
00:21:30And yet, despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950.
00:21:35So you get all this glamour, all this power, all that badge,
00:21:41for less than you pay in the UK for a six-year-old Toyota Pius.
00:21:46Oh.
00:21:51Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina?
00:21:53Oh, no, wait. It isn't a Ford Cortina.
00:21:56It's another Biturbo!
00:21:58No, this is the 430.
00:22:02It isn't.
00:22:03It is.
00:22:04It's not a turbo.
00:22:05This isn't a Biturbo.
00:22:06It is!
00:22:07That's a Biturbo.
00:22:08Hammond, I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
00:22:10but the Ghibli, the Racing, the Karif, the Shamal,
00:22:14the 222 and the 430, they were all the same car.
00:22:17They haven't got any money.
00:22:18They just changed the name badge on the back.
00:22:20These are the same car.
00:22:22Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car.
00:22:24I dispute that.
00:22:25This is not ugly.
00:22:26This is elegant.
00:22:27This is Italian style.
00:22:29It isn't!
00:22:30I really...
00:22:31That is a fabulous looking thing.
00:22:32Let's have a look at this.
00:22:33It's a bit gaudy, mate.
00:22:34You want to hear this baby fire up?
00:22:39Get out!
00:22:40Save yourself!
00:22:42Yes!
00:22:44Feel the power of that!
00:22:46Have you seen all this?
00:22:48There's no other word for it.
00:22:49Oil.
00:22:50Yeah, that...
00:22:51Yeah.
00:22:52Yeah.
00:22:53Happily, before any more could flood out, James arrived.
00:23:00Have you ever seen a more ungainly looking machine?
00:23:05What's the matter?
00:23:06Is your door broken?
00:23:07No, I'm broken.
00:23:08Can you hold the door for me?
00:23:10Behold, the Maserati Zergato Spider.
00:23:15No, by Turbo, mate.
00:23:16No, it's a Zergato Spider.
00:23:18All by Turbos.
00:23:19See, I think this was designed when it was owned by Citroen, which was bankrupt at the time.
00:23:24Then there was some guy in America who had a bit of Maserati.
00:23:27And then, I think the Italian government or Fiat, they all sort of had bits of it.
00:23:31Right.
00:23:32And they just ran around going, we made a new car, look!
00:23:34And it was exactly the same as the last car, just had a new name.
00:23:37Excuse me, James.
00:23:38I just want to see just...
00:23:40Oh, you've got like two-tone leather.
00:23:42Mm.
00:23:43But why have you got an automatic?
00:23:45I've bust my arm.
00:23:46That's why it took a long time to get out.
00:23:48Have you really broken your arm?
00:23:49Which arm have you broken?
00:23:53It has made me murderously bad-tempered and intolerant of your fatuousness, both of you.
00:23:58Have you seriously broken your arm?
00:23:59Well, it's fractured quite badly.
00:24:01Don't touch it.
00:24:02How did you break it?
00:24:03I fell over.
00:24:04Anyway, that's why you got an automatic?
00:24:06Yes.
00:24:07Is that roof electric?
00:24:08No.
00:24:09Hang on, there's a little button on the front.
00:24:12Oh, right, brilliant.
00:24:13So it is manual?
00:24:14Yes.
00:24:15Anyway, we must get off.
00:24:16Come on, let's drive on.
00:24:17Can you put the roof back up for me?
00:24:19No, I'm not doing that.
00:24:24We decided, first of all, to have a drag race.
00:24:27Between our cars and a similarly priced modern car, the Suzuki Celery.
00:24:39Tense moment.
00:24:49Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow for our four cars.
00:24:53What are you doing?
00:24:54Come on, you idiot!
00:24:55You crashed into my Maserati.
00:24:56You crashed into mine.
00:24:57I've got nowhere to go.
00:24:58There's a barrier there.
00:24:59Well, there was nowhere for me to go.
00:25:00I was where I was.
00:25:01So, for the second attempt, I volunteered to go down the pit lane.
00:25:06Yes!
00:25:07This is genius!
00:25:08And that didn't work either.
00:25:09We're emerging on the track.
00:25:10How many is there?
00:25:11What the hell?
00:25:12Oh, shit!
00:25:13Oh, shit!
00:25:14Oh, shit!
00:25:15Oh, shit!
00:25:16You crashed into mine.
00:25:17I've got nowhere to go.
00:25:18There's a barrier there.
00:25:19Well, there was nowhere for me to go.
00:25:20I was where I was.
00:25:22So, for the second attempt, I volunteered to go down the pit lane.
00:25:25Man, that didn't work, Oliver.
00:25:27We're emerging on the track. Hammond is there.
00:25:30What the hell? What?
00:25:32Oh, shit!
00:25:35Oh, my God!
00:25:41Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly?
00:25:43It can't be that difficult.
00:25:45After this latest accident, we decided that,
00:25:48as Hammond's car had the biggest engine,
00:25:51he'd represent Maserati's honour
00:25:54on his own.
00:25:57OK, this is it.
00:25:59I am the elected driver.
00:26:01The chosen one.
00:26:03The kingpin.
00:26:06I like that.
00:26:11Oh, a massive amount of bleeping about.
00:26:15But then...
00:26:18Finally, it spools up.
00:26:22Turbo's whizzing away.
00:26:24And, yes, absolutely creamed it.
00:26:29Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:26:31Yep, they were right to pick me and the car,
00:26:35the 430 Maserati.
00:26:38Right, now you've established that, as a team,
00:26:42our twin-turbocharged Maseratis are faster than a 67-horsepower Celery.
00:26:47Let's get rid of the little Japanese car
00:26:49and find out which of our three cars is the fastest round the track.
00:26:55Yeah.
00:26:55We'll be driving Maseratis on a racetrack in continental Europe.
00:26:59It just sounds good, doesn't it?
00:27:01What's the matter with you?
00:27:02Why is he not so miserable?
00:27:06I've broken my arm.
00:27:07Well, look, if we're going to drive round a track,
00:27:09can I at least have one of those disabled knob things?
00:27:13You know?
00:27:13Well, I don't work on the steering wheel.
00:27:16Yeah, like a forklift truck has one.
00:27:17That sounds fair enough.
00:27:20So, whilst our colleague enjoyed his special breakfast,
00:27:24Richard and I attached his steering knob.
00:27:27There you go.
00:27:28And then we hit the track.
00:27:34The roots of this car,
00:27:36well, they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix.
00:27:40Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F,
00:27:44overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race.
00:27:50He smashed the lap record ten times.
00:27:53You don't lose a pedigree like that.
00:27:56Here we go.
00:27:58Feel the tail kick out a little bit.
00:28:01All the front go.
00:28:03There's the back.
00:28:05On the front.
00:28:07Oh, God.
00:28:08I've got it.
00:28:12Wow, flying laps in a Maserati.
00:28:16This is exactly what Sterling Moss did.
00:28:18Not exactly, all the bits of it are.
00:28:30Meanwhile, in the convertible,
00:28:32James was very unhappy with his new steering knob.
00:28:42Oh, God, it's the left hander.
00:28:44Bend the knob.
00:28:49What is the matter with those two?
00:28:56We're OK. We're in good shape.
00:28:59No, we're not.
00:29:01Despite my lucky dip handling,
00:29:03I did eventually catch Hammond.
00:29:06Take him. Take him on the inside.
00:29:11Yes.
00:29:14Yes.
00:29:17No.
00:29:17Oh, God, Sterling.
00:29:28He's doing sorely now.
00:29:31Jesus.
00:29:35He just has too many horsepowers here.
00:29:39Come on.
00:29:42Oh, shit.
00:29:43Oh, shit.
00:29:43Oh, shit.
00:29:45Oh, shit.
00:29:47Mr. Clarkson is indisposed, briefly.
00:29:50And moments later, so was Mr. Hammond.
00:29:54No, no, no.
00:29:56Come on.
00:29:58So, having learned absolutely nothing at all,
00:30:02we decided to abandon the racetrack
00:30:06and embark on a 700-mile cruise
00:30:09to the south of France.
00:30:12James was very pleased with this plan.
00:30:15This is more like it, isn't it?
00:30:17Not mucking around on a racetrack,
00:30:18which is always a bad idea in old cars.
00:30:21Now we're going on a proper road trip
00:30:23to a lovely part of the world
00:30:25in very, very evocative, exotic cars.
00:30:29Maserati.
00:30:30In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars
00:30:35after exotic-sounding warm winds,
00:30:38Mistral, Kamsin, Bora.
00:30:43When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster,
00:30:46I just thought,
00:30:47I've no idea what a Mistral is,
00:30:49but I want one.
00:30:53Maserati.
00:30:54South of France.
00:30:55It just sounds right.
00:31:00However, fairly soon,
00:31:03reality began to stick its unwelcome nose
00:31:06into the equation.
00:31:07You get no heat in here,
00:31:09and I can't de-mist at all.
00:31:12The brakes.
00:31:14It brakes one wheel very well,
00:31:16but only one wheel at a time,
00:31:18and you never know which one.
00:31:19James, are my lights dazzling here?
00:31:26Yeah, a bit.
00:31:27That's because they seem to be on main beam,
00:31:30but I can't dip them.
00:31:32The interesting thing is,
00:31:33if I put my headlights on full beam,
00:31:35nobody coming the other way flashes at me.
00:31:40You hear that rattling?
00:31:42That's the steering wheel.
00:31:44On top of the mechanical issues,
00:31:49there was the problem of James
00:31:50tackling the tollbooths
00:31:52in his right-hand-drive car.
00:32:08We've got 700 miles to go.
00:32:11It's going to take us forever at this speed.
00:32:14And then, to cap it all...
00:32:19Jeremy, there are sparks
00:32:20coming from under your car.
00:32:23I think we probably need to stop.
00:32:28Oh, look.
00:32:28Something's on fire.
00:32:30Fire.
00:32:31Right, don't have to piss on it.
00:32:33Oh, no.
00:32:34Well, if you go...
00:32:34Go round there.
00:32:36It's going to claim to be
00:32:38an emergency service now.
00:32:41Annoyingly, our road trip
00:32:42wasn't proving to be
00:32:43as stylish as we'd hoped.
00:32:47So, at the next petrol stop,
00:32:49with James failing to appreciate
00:32:51a present we'd bought for him...
00:32:53You used to have a good sense of humour.
00:32:55I do have a good sense of humour.
00:32:56When you're being funny.
00:32:57Which you are, sometimes.
00:32:58I suggested a new idea.
00:33:00Listen, listen.
00:33:01I've had a thought.
00:33:02South of France is a very long way away.
00:33:04So, why don't we go to the north of France, instead?
00:33:08Yes.
00:33:08That is a good idea.
00:33:09And there's so much more to see and do
00:33:11in the north of France
00:33:12than there is in the south of France.
00:33:13Yes.
00:33:14What is there to see and do
00:33:15in the north of France?
00:33:16Well, there's the immigrant camp
00:33:19in Calais.
00:33:20Does that square
00:33:22where they set fire to a woman?
00:33:24Yes.
00:33:32There'll be other stuff.
00:33:34There will be other stuff.
00:33:35We'll pick that up later on,
00:33:47but now it's time to play
00:33:49Celebrity Brain Crash.
00:33:59Yeah, it's still terrible.
00:34:00It's still, it's finished now.
00:34:02Okay, now,
00:34:03what can we say about our guest this week?
00:34:06He's Scottish,
00:34:07but he won a gold medal at the Olympics.
00:34:10So, of course, he's British.
00:34:13He started out in cycling,
00:34:15then very wisely took up motor racing,
00:34:17actually competed at Le Mans.
00:34:19But today, he's in a boat.
00:34:22Ladies and gentlemen,
00:34:23Sir Chris Hoy!
00:34:25There he is.
00:34:28There he is.
00:34:31It's going to be all right.
00:34:32He's rowing it the wrong way around.
00:34:34And the great thing is,
00:34:36whoa, everyone,
00:34:36the great thing is
00:34:37that Loch Ness is a peaceful inland lake
00:34:42with no hazards at all.
00:34:44We may finally get a guest to the studio.
00:34:48Yeah, that'd be great.
00:34:49Get him in unharmed.
00:34:50Come on, Sir Hoy.
00:34:51Come on.
00:34:52Come on, you can do it.
00:34:53Oh, my...
00:34:55Oh, my...
00:34:55What happened?
00:35:06What happened?
00:35:06I mean, what...
00:35:08Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
00:35:10you've just applauded the tragic death
00:35:14of Sir Hoy.
00:35:15Um, no idea.
00:35:18I think he must have hit a mine.
00:35:21And there was a terrific explosion.
00:35:23You may have seen it.
00:35:23And he's now...
00:35:25Well, he's gone, hasn't he?
00:35:28Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:35:31Well, James,
00:35:32he's exploded and been reduced
00:35:34to chops and offal.
00:35:36So that is a no.
00:35:38It's okay, then.
00:35:39I've got a backup plan.
00:35:40You know, voice activation systems in cars,
00:35:43they don't really work.
00:35:44Particularly, they don't work in Scotland.
00:35:47As we shall now demonstrate
00:35:48with a short clip of a man
00:35:50trying to pair his telephone
00:35:52with his voxel.
00:35:55Pair.
00:35:57You can say,
00:35:58pair, select device,
00:36:00voice feedback,
00:36:01help or cancel.
00:36:04Pair.
00:36:05You can say,
00:36:07pair, select device.
00:36:08I just f***ing said,
00:36:09pair!
00:36:10or cancel.
00:36:12Pair!
00:36:15You can say,
00:36:16pair, select device,
00:36:17voice feedback,
00:36:19help or cancel.
00:36:22Pair!
00:36:25Pardon?
00:36:28What I really love
00:36:29about this guy
00:36:30is how long
00:36:32he perseveres for.
00:36:34What's this?
00:36:35Pair!
00:36:38Do you want to add
00:36:39or delete a device?
00:36:40Yes!
00:36:41Add a device.
00:36:42Pardon?
00:36:43Add a device.
00:36:45Using the pair function
00:36:46in the external device.
00:36:48Yes!
00:36:48Yes!
00:36:53Brilliant.
00:36:55It's brilliant.
00:36:56Anyway,
00:36:56that is the problem.
00:37:00That is the problem.
00:37:01But, Hammond,
00:37:01I have a solution.
00:37:03OK?
00:37:04No, don't scoff.
00:37:06Don't scoff.
00:37:06This is a system
00:37:07that is cheap,
00:37:09it works anywhere in the world,
00:37:11and you can fit it
00:37:12to any car,
00:37:13no matter how old
00:37:14it is.
00:37:15Let me show you
00:37:16how it works, OK?
00:37:18Step in.
00:37:19Ready?
00:37:20Voice activation.
00:37:22Engage wipers.
00:37:26It's just a man.
00:37:28It's Gavril from Bulgaria.
00:37:30And you can do anything.
00:37:31Right, select drive.
00:37:34There you go.
00:37:36Call bellend.
00:37:39Now, he picks up the phone,
00:37:41he does all the dialing,
00:37:42my hands are on the wheel,
00:37:43I'm safe,
00:37:43then he holds it next to my ear,
00:37:44so it's hands-free.
00:37:46Who's, who's bellend?
00:37:48What?
00:37:53I don't want to talk to you.
00:37:55End call.
00:37:57All right, then.
00:37:59Punch driver.
00:38:01Punch.
00:38:02It doesn't work.
00:38:03He won't respond to you,
00:38:04only me.
00:38:05That's the genius.
00:38:06And it gets better.
00:38:07Get out, OK?
00:38:08He locks the doors,
00:38:10and then he opens them
00:38:12when I get back
00:38:13so I don't have to
00:38:14have any keys with me,
00:38:15which would
00:38:15spoil the line
00:38:16of my jean trouser.
00:38:18Let me just recap this.
00:38:20OK, so in Whitby,
00:38:22you turned a Romanian man
00:38:23into a self-driving car.
00:38:24Yes, I did.
00:38:25You turned me
00:38:26into a parking sensor,
00:38:27and now you've turned
00:38:28a Bulgarian man
00:38:29into a voice control system.
00:38:30Yes.
00:38:31There is actually,
00:38:32there's a theme
00:38:32establishing itself here
00:38:34with your inventions,
00:38:35and it is that
00:38:36you're a moron.
00:38:39Aha.
00:38:40OK, watch this.
00:38:41You know,
00:38:41in a modern BMW 7 Series,
00:38:43you can have back seats
00:38:44that massage you
00:38:45as you drive along, yes?
00:38:46Yes.
00:38:50What I've done in here,
00:38:51it's just genius.
00:38:52I have scooped out
00:38:53the middle
00:38:54of that back seat,
00:38:55OK,
00:38:56and then you can fit it
00:38:57with a Duan Fen.
00:38:58What's a Duan Fen?
00:38:59Well, she's here.
00:39:00She's from Thailand.
00:39:04I don't know why
00:39:05people are laughing at this.
00:39:07She now blends
00:39:08perfectly with the seat,
00:39:09OK?
00:39:10She is the seat.
00:39:11So I step in,
00:39:13like so.
00:39:15Yeah?
00:39:16And then,
00:39:17I get a massage
00:39:18as I drive along.
00:39:20Ooh.
00:39:22James!
00:39:22What?
00:39:23James is sitting
00:39:24on a Thai woman now.
00:39:25Oh, God.
00:39:25No, no.
00:39:26Come back over here,
00:39:27we'll move it on,
00:39:28we'll go back
00:39:28to the Maserati film.
00:39:29Now, so far,
00:39:30we have established
00:39:31that I've broken my arm,
00:39:33but that the cars
00:39:34are working
00:39:35really rather well.
00:39:36Yes,
00:39:37and we rejoin the action
00:39:38after a night
00:39:39in a town called Deauville,
00:39:40where Jeremy had,
00:39:41for reasons known only
00:39:42to himself,
00:39:43decided to reenact
00:39:45the famous
00:39:46VW golf advert
00:39:47from the 80s.
00:39:50This is the man
00:39:52who put a million
00:39:53on black,
00:39:54and it came up red.
00:39:56This is the man
00:40:00who married a sex kitten
00:40:02just as she turned
00:40:04into a cat.
00:40:07This is the man
00:40:08who moved into gold
00:40:10just as the clever money
00:40:12moved out.
00:40:18This is the man
00:40:19who drives
00:40:21a Maserati.
00:40:26of course,
00:40:37being a Maserati,
00:40:38it did eventually begin.
00:40:40So,
00:40:41we then fitted
00:40:42James' wheel
00:40:43with a new knob
00:40:44and decided
00:40:46to go and play
00:40:47on the beach.
00:40:56You really would
00:41:09have trouble
00:41:09doing this
00:41:10on a beach
00:41:11in the south of France
00:41:12because the whole thing
00:41:13would be covered
00:41:14in people turning
00:41:16their plastic surgery brand.
00:41:23In the sea!
00:41:26Oh!
00:41:30And a great deal
00:41:31is, of course,
00:41:31you can take a Maserati
00:41:32in the sea
00:41:33because the rust-proofing
00:41:36is so good.
00:41:38After that,
00:41:39we enjoyed
00:41:40a picturesque walk
00:41:41and a philosophical debate.
00:41:43Is there anything
00:41:44on earth
00:41:45which is worse
00:41:46than having another man
00:41:47put sun cream
00:41:48on your back?
00:41:49I've never experienced that.
00:41:50And then
00:41:52we played
00:41:52some sport.
00:41:54Built a shootout
00:41:55in Maseratis
00:41:57on a beach
00:41:57in northern France.
00:41:58with our ball
00:42:10gone,
00:42:10we continued
00:42:11on our tour
00:42:11of Normandy
00:42:12with our badly built
00:42:14colleague
00:42:15moaning
00:42:15constantly.
00:42:17Hey!
00:42:18Has he been swapped
00:42:20for an old lady?
00:42:22He's always been
00:42:23an old lady.
00:42:23He was born
00:42:24an old lady.
00:42:26Congratulations,
00:42:27Mrs May.
00:42:27It's an old lady.
00:42:31As darkness fell,
00:42:33we reached
00:42:34the ancient town
00:42:35of Old Fleur
00:42:36where we decided
00:42:36to spend the night.
00:42:38Unfortunately,
00:42:39to reach our hotel,
00:42:40we had to navigate
00:42:41through a maze
00:42:42of tiny,
00:42:44medieval streets.
00:42:49Manon,
00:42:50sorry.
00:42:51This is narrow.
00:42:53Isn't it narrow?
00:42:57No.
00:43:03How did people
00:43:04manage in this town
00:43:05in the olden days
00:43:06when nobody
00:43:07had power steering?
00:43:09Oh, no.
00:43:10And I do that
00:43:13how?
00:43:18Oh, my God.
00:43:21I'm totally stuck.
00:43:26Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:43:28Cobbles.
00:43:34God almighty.
00:43:37Gee, I'm not sure
00:43:38that's possible.
00:43:40Oh, for Christ.
00:43:49Is that...
00:43:49You're in the way.
00:43:52Isn't this a one-way street
00:43:53my way?
00:43:54It's a one-way street,
00:43:55yes.
00:43:56That's why me
00:43:56and the other cars
00:43:58are all coming
00:43:59this way.
00:44:00Please don't make me
00:44:01back up with this steering.
00:44:03Sorry.
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:04It's a workout.
00:44:06Hammond, I am
00:44:07going to kill you.
00:44:08Momop, s'il vous plaît.
00:44:12Um, mon ami,
00:44:13um,
00:44:14il a conduit
00:44:16son voiture
00:44:18comme la gorilla.
00:44:19with Jeremy out of the way,
00:44:36I could move on.
00:44:38But then...
00:44:39Hammond, is that you
00:44:40with yellow lights
00:44:41coming up here?
00:44:43Oh, my God.
00:44:44Well, that's a bit
00:44:45of bad luck.
00:44:46You're going to have to
00:44:46reverse back up there,
00:44:47aren't you?
00:44:48Well, I can't back up
00:44:49because it's preposterously
00:44:50narrow and I can't
00:44:51swivel my head round
00:44:52to look behind me.
00:44:53So, now what?
00:44:55Well, I'm going the right
00:44:56way down the one-way street,
00:44:57so I have right of way.
00:44:58Right, sorry, Hammond,
00:45:02you'll have to
00:45:03direct me a bit.
00:45:04Right a bit.
00:45:05My right or your right?
00:45:07Well, my right,
00:45:08which is your left,
00:45:09but you're steering
00:45:10in reverse.
00:45:11Hey, hold it there
00:45:12and I'll go there left.
00:45:13Your left or my left?
00:45:15Your right, my left
00:45:16as I'm looking
00:45:16and your right
00:45:17as you're looking,
00:45:18i.e. your right.
00:45:18I had found the hotel,
00:45:23but clearly my colleagues
00:45:24were going to be a while.
00:45:26My left, do you mean my
00:45:27left if I'm facing the way
00:45:28I'm going or facing
00:45:29the way I'm facing?
00:45:31Good point.
00:45:32Your left is still my right,
00:45:36but you're going backwards.
00:45:38Just drive backwards.
00:45:40I'm going to the hotel now,
00:45:41but I'll leave this on
00:45:42so you can stay in tune
00:45:43with what they're doing.
00:45:45Hopefully that I've come
00:45:46the wrong way down
00:45:47a one-way street,
00:45:47I know.
00:45:48Are you making
00:45:50your situation better
00:45:51or worse?
00:45:52Better, worse.
00:45:54Better, worse.
00:45:56When Richard and James
00:45:57did finally join me,
00:45:59we reflected over dinner
00:46:00about our time
00:46:01in the north of France.
00:46:04It's been just
00:46:05a tremendous journey.
00:46:06We've had three Maseratis
00:46:08out here for three days.
00:46:09We've only had one
00:46:10minor fire.
00:46:12Can I just say,
00:46:13and I'm being
00:46:13absolutely honest here,
00:46:14I love my Maserati.
00:46:16I've totally fallen for it.
00:46:18Yeah.
00:46:18I mean, I really like mine.
00:46:20No car makes
00:46:21a better noise.
00:46:22No two-litre car
00:46:23makes a better noise than that.
00:46:24I love it more now
00:46:26than when I started.
00:46:26I definitely want to keep
00:46:27mind, I want to know
00:46:28what it's like
00:46:28to drive with two arms.
00:46:31Because we all
00:46:32loved our cars so much,
00:46:33I decided we should
00:46:34end our road trip
00:46:35with a spicy climax.
00:46:37Why don't we race
00:46:40back to England, okay?
00:46:42First thing in the morning,
00:46:43last one back there
00:46:44has to sell their car.
00:46:47Ooh, that's cruel.
00:46:48That's harsh.
00:46:50It's not entirely
00:46:51fair on me, is it?
00:46:54Hello, why not?
00:46:55You chose to come
00:46:56equipped with one arm.
00:46:58It's your issue,
00:46:59not ours.
00:47:00So we set off from here
00:47:01all at the same time.
00:47:02Any route you like,
00:47:05last one,
00:47:07back on English soil,
00:47:09has to sell their car.
00:47:11I'm up for it.
00:47:11I'll risk it.
00:47:12Because I think that'll
00:47:13make the trip home exciting.
00:47:14I'll do it.
00:47:15Last one home.
00:47:23As dawn broke,
00:47:25we lined up outside the hotel
00:47:27ready for the off.
00:47:29Gentlemen,
00:47:30it's ten to four in the morning.
00:47:31Let's do this.
00:47:32in three,
00:47:33two,
00:47:33one.
00:47:34Begin!
00:47:44Last!
00:47:46Come on!
00:47:51No!
00:47:52No!
00:47:53At all costs,
00:47:54I am winning this.
00:47:58This is typical
00:48:02typical of Italian cars.
00:48:05They wait until you really need them
00:48:07and then they go wrong.
00:48:09Oh, darling, darling,
00:48:11I'm in labour, quickly.
00:48:12Yes, I'm on my way
00:48:13in my Maserati.
00:48:14Um, right, up here.
00:48:25Some of this is familiar, which is bad.
00:48:26Oh, no, not lost now.
00:48:29Once again, I'd managed to coax my car
00:48:31into some kind of life
00:48:33and I was on my way.
00:48:34And I was on my way.
00:48:34So, straight out of town.
00:48:40Sounding healthy.
00:48:43With a top speed of about 12,
00:48:45I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre.
00:48:48The trouble is that, logically,
00:48:50the others would be doing the same thing.
00:48:55Car.
00:48:57Clear your throat.
00:48:58Please.
00:49:01I'm out.
00:49:03Right.
00:49:04England, here I come.
00:49:08Clear your throat, car.
00:49:10Clear it.
00:49:11Or we shall be last.
00:49:12And then I shall have to sell you
00:49:14and I won't sell you to someone nice.
00:49:18You know that man who has sex with his cars
00:49:20and then puts pictures of it on the internet?
00:49:22Well, I'm going to sell you to him.
00:49:24Unless you get going.
00:49:26Now, come on.
00:49:28Hang on a minute.
00:49:29No!
00:49:30No, no, no, no!
00:49:36Big road.
00:49:38Yes.
00:49:41James, meanwhile,
00:49:43was dawdling along at the back.
00:49:45Yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this.
00:49:48Now, on the face of it, viewers,
00:49:50this isn't much of a race
00:49:51because I've got the slowest car,
00:49:53we already know that.
00:49:55I only have the use of one arm
00:49:56and I'm steering with a squeaky frog
00:49:59bolted to the wheel.
00:50:01However,
00:50:02it's not that simple.
00:50:05In fact,
00:50:06I believe I will be first
00:50:09because he who is last
00:50:11shall be first,
00:50:13as we know.
00:50:17Coming up now
00:50:18to the motorway.
00:50:23Come on, car,
00:50:25please!
00:50:29It's made it up the slip road.
00:50:31Have you ever known
00:50:33a car with more spirit
00:50:34than this
00:50:36magnificent Maserati?
00:50:38However,
00:50:39the gradient on the slip road
00:50:40was nothing
00:50:41compared to what lay ahead.
00:50:48Oh, giddy-o.
00:50:54Port, where is it?
00:50:55If I get there first,
00:50:58OK, I've got to wait
00:50:58for the ferry.
00:50:59They could catch up,
00:50:59but I'll be ahead
00:51:00of them in the queue.
00:51:01Whoever gets on the boat
00:51:02first gets off the boat
00:51:04first,
00:51:04and you can't change that.
00:51:06First on the boat
00:51:07is first off the boat.
00:51:08They win.
00:51:19Right, it's calm, Jeremy,
00:51:20calm.
00:51:20You're on a motorway.
00:51:21On an enormous bridge
00:51:24surrounded by many
00:51:25heavy lorries.
00:51:30Oh, no.
00:51:31I can hear the exhaust
00:51:33spluttering.
00:51:35Oh, smoke.
00:51:35A lot of smoke now.
00:51:40Please!
00:51:41Please work!
00:51:45Mercifully,
00:51:46I reached the top
00:51:47of the bridge,
00:51:48but then...
00:51:51It's dead.
00:51:56Shit, I've lost braking.
00:51:57I have lost braking.
00:51:58Oh, bloody hell.
00:52:00Handbrake not working either.
00:52:01I've lost all brakes.
00:52:04There was only one thing for it.
00:52:06I have no brakes.
00:52:12You've just hit our car.
00:52:14I know, but I haven't
00:52:14got any brakes.
00:52:16They're not pleased
00:52:17about being used
00:52:18as a brake.
00:52:19This is totally legal,
00:52:21by the way,
00:52:21on a French motorway.
00:52:23Right, so,
00:52:24I've no brakes
00:52:24and no engine.
00:52:31Think, Jeremy, think.
00:52:33Port.
00:52:37Yes, hello.
00:52:39Unaware of Jeremy's problems,
00:52:41I was keeping
00:52:42the hammer down.
00:52:45Oh, holidaymakers.
00:52:48I hate holidaymakers.
00:52:52Trucks.
00:52:54I'm gonna get caught up
00:52:55with all the trucks.
00:52:57Meanwhile,
00:52:58back in the land
00:52:59of Captain Cryptic.
00:53:02Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:53:06Do you know,
00:53:07I'm so relaxed about this,
00:53:08I think,
00:53:09in a short while,
00:53:10I might stop
00:53:10for a pleasant coffee
00:53:11and a read of the newspaper.
00:53:17I've not got time
00:53:18for you, mate.
00:53:18I'm sorry.
00:53:20Carp!
00:53:21Carp!
00:53:24Oh, God.
00:53:25Another roundabout.
00:53:26It's in the middle
00:53:27of a bloody town.
00:53:28I need to find
00:53:31my own route.
00:53:33There must be
00:53:33sneaky ways through.
00:53:41This could be good.
00:53:42This could be good.
00:53:43Dead end.
00:53:58Not that way.
00:53:59Bloody hell.
00:54:00My shortcut
00:54:17wasn't going well.
00:54:19Where are they?
00:54:24and, more importantly,
00:54:25where am I?
00:54:30This was a mistake.
00:54:32This is making things worse.
00:54:34It's just costing time.
00:54:37And, as it turned out,
00:54:38time was something
00:54:39I didn't allow.
00:54:40I am now down
00:54:42to one turbocharger,
00:54:44but I'm back
00:54:44in the race.
00:54:49Yes,
00:54:50I'm at the wheel
00:54:51of a Renault
00:54:52DCI-120
00:54:53tow truck.
00:54:55And, what's more,
00:54:56I've decided
00:54:57to head for the port
00:54:58as the crow flies.
00:55:02Oh, yes.
00:55:09Oh, God, no.
00:55:10This looks good.
00:55:18Yes.
00:55:18Very terminal.
00:55:20This is all correct.
00:55:26That is Jeremy.
00:55:27Who's Hammond?
00:55:28What is he doing?
00:55:30Kill him!
00:55:34I have to win.
00:55:35I have to win.
00:55:38Roundabout.
00:55:39Oh, bloody hell.
00:55:40Really?
00:55:44The problem was
00:55:46that the port of La Havre
00:55:47is so vast
00:55:48and so complex
00:55:49it was very easy
00:55:51to get lost.
00:55:52This was still
00:55:53anyone's race.
00:55:59Where is Hammond?
00:56:01Where is May?
00:56:02Where is the boat?
00:56:05Come on, come on, come on.
00:56:06This is wrong.
00:56:19This is wrong.
00:56:20It's got to be down here.
00:56:29Yes.
00:56:34Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle?
00:56:38Because my DC 120 is going like a bastard.
00:56:41Yes. This looks good. This is the place.
00:56:55Good van. Good van. The boat is there.
00:56:59There is Richard Hammond. Is James May here?
00:57:03No, he is not. He is not.
00:57:07Yes.
00:57:11Ha-ha! No, May?
00:57:17No. And there wouldn't be, because I was in another part of the port with my own travel plans.
00:57:24Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, I arranged for our company yacht to be waiting for me in the harbour.
00:57:32And there it is.
00:57:33I simply drive up, hop aboard, and then we'll be on our way.
00:57:44Oh!
00:57:45Oh!
00:57:47Oh!
00:57:49HE SIGHS
00:57:51HE SIGHS
00:57:53HE SIGHS
00:57:55HE SIGHS
00:57:57HE SIGHS
00:57:59HE SIGHS
00:58:01HE SIGHS
00:58:03HE SIGHS
00:58:05HE SIGHS
00:58:07HE SIGHS
00:58:09HE SIGHS
00:58:11HE LIVED ANNOYLY
00:58:13HANG ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HANDLE
00:58:15I NEED TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS.
00:58:17WHY DID YOU STICK
00:58:19DESABILLER ON MY CAR?
00:58:21BECAUSE YOU WERE DISABLED.
00:58:23DESABILLER MEANS UNDRESSED, YOU MORAL.
00:58:27LOOK, LET'S NOT GET BOGGED DOWN WITH OOH, CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH.
00:58:31LET'S GET TO THE POINT, WHICH IS,
00:58:35JAMES MAY, YOU LOST AND YOU BROKE THE COMPANY YACHT.
00:58:38YOU DID.
00:58:39WELL, NO, HANG ON A MINUTE.
00:58:41MY CAR GOT CLOSER TO ENGLAND THAN YOURS DID.
00:58:43YES, BUT THE OTHER THING IT GOT CLOSEST TO
00:58:45WAS THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.
00:58:47SO, ANYWAY, ALL OF THAT IS IRRELEVANT,
00:58:49BECAUSE MY CAR WAS THE BEST,
00:58:51BECAUSE IT DIDN'T GO WRONG AT ALL.
00:58:53NO, NO, MINE WAS PERFECTLY RELIABLE, HANDLE.
00:58:55MINE WAS AS RELIABLE AS JAMES'S ARMS.
00:58:57AND THE EXTRADIBLY THING IS, NO ONE CAN WORK OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT.
00:59:01WELL, IT FELL OFF THE BACK OF A LORRY.
00:59:03NO, NO ONE CAN WORK OUT WHAT FAULT IT HAD THAT CAUSED IT TO BE ON THE LORRY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
00:59:09AND EVEN NOW, WHAT ARE WE, NINE MONTHS DOWN THE LINE,
00:59:11TWO TRAINED MASERATI MECHANICS ARE TOTALLY STUMPED.
00:59:15IT IS AN UNFATHOMABLE FAULT.
00:59:17YEAH, YEAH.
00:59:18SO, WHAT WE CAN CONCLUDE FROM OUR EXHAUSTIVE TESTING IN THE NORTH OF FRANCE IS THAT,
00:59:23IF YOU BUY A USED MASERATI, YOU HAVE A 66% CHANCE OF IT WORKING.
00:59:28YEAH.
00:59:29THEY'RE NOT BAD ODDS.
00:59:30WELL, YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT IF YOU'RE HAVING AN EYE OPERATION, WOULD YOU?
00:59:34EXACTLY, AND ON THAT TERRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT, IT'S TIME TO END.
00:59:37THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING. GOOD NIGHT!
00:59:39GOOD NIGHT!
01:00:09GOOD NIGHT!