#thegrandtour #grandtour #thegrandtour2016 #carshow #automotiveshow #supercars #sportscars #carculture #motoring #carreviews #autoworld #carscene #carenthusiast #classiccars #dreamcars #luxurycars #fastcars #roadtrip #autoracing #vehiclecontent #thegrandtour #thegrandtour2016 #grandtour #jeremyclarkson #richardhammond #jamesmay #carshow #automotiveshow #carculture #supercars #sportscars #carreview #motoring #carscene #autoworld #carenthusiast #classiccars #dreamcars #carlover #carlife
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00Captioned by StreamCaptions.com
00:01:00Hello, everybody.
00:01:02Hello.
00:01:08Hello.
00:01:12Thank you so much.
00:01:15Hello, everybody.
00:01:16Welcome to the Grand Tour, which this week comes from the Netherlands.
00:01:24We're setting something of a record, actually,
00:01:26because we are the first three British men
00:01:29ever to come here for a weekend
00:01:31and not vomit on a prostitute.
00:01:34Actually, we love coming to Holland, James, for his own reasons.
00:01:40And I like it because the Dutch are officially
00:01:43the tallest people on Earth.
00:01:45It's true, true fact.
00:01:47Yes, and I hate it here.
00:01:48I'm sick of staring at belly buttons all day.
00:01:52The only problem I do have here is that I'm not allowed to use the word swaffling.
00:01:58Yeah.
00:01:59Well, you just did, didn't you?
00:02:01No, the thing is, okay, it is a really bad word here,
00:02:05and I have no idea why.
00:02:07What does it mean?
00:02:08It means...
00:02:09It means to bang your gentleman sausage on the side of the Taj Mahal.
00:02:17Oh, God!
00:02:19But anyway, listen, we're in Rotterdam, which is a marvellous city, in fact,
00:02:25because you aren't allowed to bring a car into the city if it was built...
00:02:29A petrol car if it was built before 1992,
00:02:32and you aren't allowed to bring a diesel car into the city
00:02:34if it was built before 2000,
00:02:36which means you're never held up by poor people.
00:02:42Really?
00:02:43What else can we say about the Dutch?
00:02:45Oh, of course, you gave the world speed cameras.
00:02:47Brilliant.
00:02:48So, thank you very much for that.
00:02:51No, actually, I'd far rather be pulled over by the actual Dutch police
00:02:55rather than a speed camera,
00:02:57because, boy, oh, boy, do these guys look good.
00:02:59I've got a picture here.
00:03:01Whoa!
00:03:02I would very much like to see a lady policeman in an outfit like that.
00:03:07Looks like the guy on the right already has.
00:03:10Should he get on with the show, man?
00:03:13Yes, good idea.
00:03:14And coming up in our programme about cars this week,
00:03:18I try to pull a camel.
00:03:21Come on.
00:03:22Come on.
00:03:23A donkey pulls James.
00:03:26And Richard gets stuck in a cow orgy.
00:03:30I really am alarmed.
00:03:32But first, there's been a bit of an argument
00:03:36in the office between these two.
00:03:38You see, Richard maintains that the Mazda MX-5
00:03:42is all the sports car you would ever need.
00:03:45Because it is.
00:03:46But James says it isn't.
00:03:49Because it isn't.
00:03:51So, we decided they should sort it out
00:03:54by going to the obvious,
00:03:56proving ground for all sports cars.
00:03:59North Africa.
00:04:00C3211.
00:04:13C1211.
00:04:23This is it, the latest version of the best-selling two-seater roadster of all time.
00:04:43And it's easy to see why.
00:04:46Peppy little engine at the front, two seats in the open air in the middle, rear-wheel drive.
00:04:50It's the perfect sports car recipe.
00:04:54But layered on top of that, in this new version, you get air conditioning, heated seats, lane departure assist, cruise control, rain-sensing wipers, dusk-sensing headlamps.
00:05:04You just can't do any better.
00:05:06Well, you can, actually, because all of those luxury items you're mentioning there, they just add weight and they mean it isn't a true sports car anymore.
00:05:14Yes, it is.
00:05:14No, it isn't. Colin Chapman, he was a bloke who founded Lotus, he said the ethos of a sports car is simplify and add lightness.
00:05:22He didn't say you simplify and add electric windows.
00:05:25Yep. And then he gave all his money away to a drug dealer called John DeLorean.
00:05:29This, ladies and gentlemen, is what it's actually about.
00:05:32This is called the Xenos.
00:05:33You get four wheels, you get somewhere to sit, you get an engine, and that's it.
00:05:37It's a sports car.
00:05:39Yeah.
00:05:39What do you do if it rains?
00:05:41Well, you'd get wet.
00:05:42What if you want to listen to the radio?
00:05:44Why would I want to listen to the radio around here?
00:05:46Does it have a heater?
00:05:47Nope.
00:05:47Has it got windows?
00:05:49Look, if you buy a football boot, you don't expect it to be usable as a ballet shoe, do you?
00:05:54But Mazda has invented a football boot that you can wear to the opera.
00:05:58Look, I can guarantee that if you wear that shoe to the opera house, it isn't...
00:06:02At this point, the director said he'd heard enough about shoes for one day.
00:06:10And told us to go for a drive.
00:06:12Right, now I'm away from Hammond's luxury sports car resort.
00:06:23Let me tell you a little bit about this remarkable car.
00:06:28It's powered by the two-litre turbocharged engine from the Ford Focus ST, giving 250 horsepower.
00:06:34That's mounted in the middle, right behind my head there, driving the rear wheels through a no-nonsense, old-school six-feet gearbox.
00:06:41Now, 250 horsepower doesn't sound like a huge amount in the modern world,
00:06:46but this car, made with an aluminium spine and composite tub and all the rest of it,
00:06:52weighs less than three-quarters of a tonne, so it is genuinely quick.
00:06:56Look, it'll be...
00:06:57Whoa!
00:07:04Yeah!
00:07:06Weep!
00:07:06Weep!
00:07:06It makes the noise of some futuristic propulsion system powered by antimatter.
00:07:16Yes!
00:07:17Electrified!
00:07:19Yes!
00:07:20Electrified!
00:07:21Yes!
00:07:22Electrified!
00:07:23James comes from a world where he wants his phone and his camera separate.
00:07:33And I can repeat my diary.
00:07:34This Mazda is a smartphone.
00:07:35It does everything.
00:07:36It looks brilliant.
00:07:37It will be endlessly reliable.
00:07:38It's fast.
00:07:39It's got speakers in the headrests.
00:07:40And it handles well.
00:07:41And you can get an MX-5 from 18,500.
00:07:42James' car starts at 33.
00:07:43And you don't even get doors.
00:07:44My shed has got doors.
00:07:45I furnish my cats with doors.
00:07:46You need doors.
00:07:47You need doors.
00:07:48I bet he's been a bit too.
00:07:49I need a bit too.
00:07:50I need a bit too.
00:07:51And he's got a bit too.
00:07:52It is a bit too.
00:07:53It's going to be the way too.
00:07:54I need to get a bit too.
00:07:55But he's got the speakers in the headrests, and it handles well.
00:07:56And you can get a lot of people.
00:07:57And you can get an MX-5 from 18,500.
00:07:58James' car starts at 33.
00:08:01And you don't even get doors.
00:08:03My shed has got doors.
00:08:05I furnish my cats with doors.
00:08:08You need doors.
00:08:09I bet he's been shaken to death in that thing.
00:08:19I bet Havan thinks I'm being shaken to death in here, but actually he's wrong,
00:08:23because this isn't like a BAC Mono or a Radical.
00:08:27It is obviously very much a car for taking on the track,
00:08:30but it's been tuned for use on the road. It's quite supple.
00:08:33See, look. Bump. It's all right.
00:08:37I'm very relaxed.
00:08:44Eventually, we pulled over for a cup of coffee
00:08:47and a bit more arguing about doors.
00:08:50Just because they had them in the 12th century on cathedrals,
00:08:54doesn't mean you have to have them. Now, don't be a slave to convention.
00:08:57People had eyelids in the 12th century,
00:08:59and nobody's deciding, let's get rid of those there, old hat.
00:09:02Oh, no, I've got all dust in my eyes and I can't sleep.
00:09:04Yeah, but that's completely facile, Havan. You know exactly what I mean.
00:09:07The door... I mean, Reaver speed boats don't have doors.
00:09:09You don't say I'm not...
00:09:11This is lovely, isn't it?
00:09:13What are you doing here?
00:09:15Well, word reached me that you two were talking rubbish.
00:09:18What do you mean, rubbish?
00:09:19Well, if you want the best sports car, you don't want a Mazda or a Xenos.
00:09:23You won't.
00:09:24Oh, God, he's brought an Alfa Romeo.
00:09:26Yes, of course I have.
00:09:27Alfa Romeo 4C Spider.
00:09:30This is what I'm talking about. A symphony in carbon fibre. Balance personified. The graduate updated. A mini Ferrari, as cute as a bunny rabbit with the greatest badge in the history of motor...
00:09:53How much is it?
00:09:55You know perfectly well how much it is.
00:09:57Yeah, we've forgotten.
00:09:59Money is vulgar. You can't put a price on something as exquisite as that.
00:10:05Yeah, but Alfa Romeo did put a price on it, didn't they? And what was it?
00:10:08£60,000.
00:10:10So you could have both of our cars and everything you see in the back of the shot here for the price of one of these Alfa Romeo.
00:10:17I know, it is extraordinary value for money.
00:10:20It's too far from outside to inside.
00:10:22It's miles.
00:10:23Yes. Thick sills.
00:10:25Here we go.
00:10:26The strength.
00:10:27Look at this. Rotary heater knobs.
00:10:29Wow, it's like being in the 1970s.
00:10:31Yeah, it is, actually.
00:10:32This handbrake, look at that. Is that fixed on or has that come off?
00:10:35Alfa Romeo, purveyors of disappointment for nearly three decades.
00:10:38Look at this.
00:10:39Classy.
00:10:40Yeah?
00:10:41Feel the quality in there.
00:10:42Let me feel that.
00:10:43£60,000.
00:10:46And this?
00:10:47That's the noise you want to hear.
00:10:48If you ever buy a new item of clothing, never show it to these two.
00:10:51Because they're like, ooh, what are you wearing that jacket for?
00:10:53It makes you look like a German game show host.
00:10:55That's satisfying.
00:10:57Why are you wearing that jacket?
00:10:59Because I was at a party in India last night and I've hurried over here.
00:11:02Why did you go to the party dressed as a German game show host?
00:11:05Soon I grew weary of their abuse and set off in what, being no doubt, is my favourite car on sale today.
00:11:15I will admit there are one or two tiny little problems with the 4C. Trivial stuff.
00:11:25It's very wide.
00:11:26The gearbox is a little bit dim-witted.
00:11:28If you fit sports exhaust, the noise is catastrophic.
00:11:32Petal tank, yeah, that's too small.
00:11:35You've really only got a range of 300 yards.
00:11:40And then there's the steering.
00:11:42There's no power assistance, so it's incredibly heavy when you're parking.
00:11:46There's no feel when you're on the move.
00:11:49And then, and this is its party piece, just occasionally it'll go violently left or right.
00:11:55For no reason.
00:11:57Oh, you see that?
00:11:59Bloody hell.
00:12:01But look at it this way.
00:12:06We could all probably find fault with our children.
00:12:09And yet, we still love them.
00:12:16Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos because back in the old days, they were great.
00:12:21But they're not anymore.
00:12:23Plenty of things were great.
00:12:25Grease.
00:12:26Rolf Harris.
00:12:28Can't love them now.
00:12:35Oh, another small problem with the Alfa that I didn't mention earlier is that you get cramp after five minutes.
00:12:41Oh!
00:12:42Oh, argh!
00:12:45I'm going to have to stop them over a walk.
00:12:48And they'll want to know why.
00:12:49And I'll have to tell them I need a wee or something.
00:12:52No, diarrhea.
00:12:54So I'm going to stop.
00:12:55I'm going to stop.
00:12:56I'm just stopping for a minute.
00:12:58Here, hang on.
00:13:00Why are you stopping for a minute?
00:13:02Oh, nothing.
00:13:04Well, why are you hopping it back?
00:13:06Look at the snowy mountains.
00:13:08Ah, bonjour.
00:13:09Ah, merci, monsieur.
00:13:10Comment ça va?
00:13:11Ah, merci, monsieur.
00:13:12Comment ça va?
00:13:13Ah, merci, monsieur.
00:13:14Comment ça va?
00:13:17Have you got cramp?
00:13:18No.
00:13:19Yes, you have.
00:13:20All right, good.
00:13:21Well, I've seen the view.
00:13:23I just wanted to see the view, and it's lovely.
00:13:32Back on the road, James suddenly delivered a very un-Jamesmanlike observation.
00:13:38My car is seriously quick.
00:13:41It's not as fast as this.
00:13:43Yeah, I bet it is.
00:13:45James, this has a turbocharged 1750cc engine from a Fiat Punto.
00:13:53Mine's two litre with a twin-scroll turbocharger.
00:13:57You notice Hammond is being strangely quiet on the subject of speed.
00:14:02I was just listening to you two bicker.
00:14:05I am a bit down on power, if I'm honest.
00:14:08I think Hammond's in a sort of retirement home for former distressed sports car owners.
00:14:14Right, next straight bit of road, James May.
00:14:21I will pull over and show you what real speed is.
00:14:27Cows.
00:14:28On a roof rack.
00:14:29I've never seen that.
00:14:30Soon, we found a suitable stretch of road, and Hammond agreed to be the starter.
00:14:43I've got launch control.
00:14:44Not interested.
00:14:45Are you ready before anyone comes?
00:14:46In three, two, one, go!
00:14:50Well, now that's just impossible.
00:15:05It's the Xenos, which means James May has just won a drag race.
00:15:11But for me, that wasn't the biggest surprise.
00:15:17I don't understand why this lost.
00:15:20Because instead of a conventional chassis, it has a carbon fibre tub like you get in a Formula One car or a McLaren P1.
00:15:30And a carbon fibre tub makes a car expensive, but light. Very light.
00:15:39I have to work out why I lost that race.
00:15:42I think it's because your car isn't as fast as mine.
00:15:45That was a factor.
00:15:47Yeah, but mine is so light.
00:15:49How do you know it's light?
00:15:51Every time Alfa say how much it weighs, they give a different figure.
00:15:55Yeah, that's because they've got better things to do than going around weighing cars.
00:15:59When Picasso had finished one of his paintings, he didn't say,
00:16:02Oh, I wonder how much that weighs?
00:16:04Yeah, but you need to know the weight of an Alfa for when you resell it,
00:16:07because you buy scrap cars by weight.
00:16:12The Xenos, that was built in Norfolk, so obviously they're going to weigh it.
00:16:16There's nothing else to do.
00:16:17This is from Milan.
00:16:18They finished making it and then they went into town with one and pulled girls.
00:16:24It's massive and it's made of pig iron. That's the problem.
00:16:28I can see the carbon point.
00:16:30The weight argument raged on for the rest of the journey.
00:16:35So that night at the hotel, I came up with a plan.
00:16:40I'm going to weigh all three cars to prove the Alfa's the lightest.
00:16:45The problem with your plan is that you'd need a Weybridge.
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:49And...
00:16:50Yes.
00:16:51Well, hang on.
00:16:52We'll get one.
00:16:53No, there isn't one.
00:16:54I have got the hotel brochure here, actually.
00:16:55And, you know, it's got three restaurants, a spa and a gym.
00:17:00Mm-hmm.
00:17:01Business centre, tennis court.
00:17:02Mm-hmm.
00:17:03But with one glaring omission.
00:17:04What?
00:17:05There's no Weybridge.
00:17:06No.
00:17:07They haven't thought of that.
00:17:08I'd knock a star off.
00:17:10I shall build one.
00:17:12I shall build a Weybridge and then you shall see.
00:17:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:17:18I don't want to go over, Rosie.
00:17:21That's going to be a really useful and interesting test
00:17:25and you've ruined it.
00:17:27People are interested in Alfa Romeo's.
00:17:29People are interested in murders.
00:17:30They don't want to see one.
00:17:32Anyway, anyway, we'll have more of that later on.
00:17:35But first, it is now time for us to engage reverse
00:17:38and park neatly in a marked space on Conversation Street.
00:17:42BUZZER
00:17:47BUZZER
00:17:50Right.
00:17:51Now, which nation on Earth has the worst police cars?
00:17:56Ooh, that's some good conversation.
00:17:58I like that one.
00:17:59The worst police cars, you see, it's definitely not the Americans,
00:18:01is it?
00:18:02Because they have those Crown Vicks and their rear-wheel-drive V8s.
00:18:05That's what you need.
00:18:06No, they're good police cars, not the Americans.
00:18:08Um, it's us.
00:18:11It's the British.
00:18:12Really?
00:18:13Yeah.
00:18:14We have those dreary little Vauxhall diesel Astros, Opals if you live here.
00:18:17Oh, if you're in America, those miserable little Chevrolets that are actually Deus.
00:18:21Yes.
00:18:22Awful.
00:18:23Most countries around the world would traditionally have always had a police car that was made there,
00:18:26one of their own cars, wouldn't they?
00:18:27Yeah.
00:18:28And the funny thing is that's not what they used to do here.
00:18:30In Holland?
00:18:31No.
00:18:32No.
00:18:33What they actually had for many years, about 30 years, was Porsches.
00:18:36What?
00:18:37The police used Porsches, yeah.
00:18:38Remember?
00:18:39Yeah.
00:18:40Do you know, I'd forgotten that.
00:18:41You're right, they did.
00:18:42They did.
00:18:43They did.
00:18:44How did they persuade the government?
00:18:45It's masterful.
00:18:46It's genius.
00:18:47Absolute respect to everybody who did it.
00:18:49What they did was said, right, we need, hmm, we need, I think we need a Porsche because
00:18:54it's air-cooled and the engine is at the back.
00:18:57And that would be really handy if ever we have to reverse at high speed for a long time.
00:19:01They actually said that.
00:19:02They did.
00:19:03And this gets better.
00:19:04And I'm not making this up.
00:19:05They did say this.
00:19:06They need a car where you can remove the roof so you can stand on the seats to address traffic
00:19:10in an emergency situation.
00:19:12So what they need is a 911 Targa and matching sunglasses, I presume.
00:19:17Yes.
00:19:18They also say, and it comes with 911 on the back, which is our telephone number.
00:19:22The thing is, it doesn't end there.
00:19:23They're still at it because the cycle cops around here, and there's a lot of them, they
00:19:28managed to persuade the government that they need mountain bikes.
00:19:32Where?
00:19:33In Holland.
00:19:34It's the flattest country on earth!
00:19:37And they need mountain bikes.
00:19:39You're not so much in a mountain.
00:19:41What?
00:19:42The best thing...
00:19:44The best thing is, it gives us an opportunity to have one more look at a photograph of the
00:19:53Dutch mountain cop police.
00:19:54Yes.
00:19:55There they are.
00:19:56Now, I want to talk about otters.
00:19:59What?
00:20:00No, I want to talk about otters.
00:20:01You see, a few years ago, somebody in Holland worked out that there were only 185 otters
00:20:07in the entire country.
00:20:08Yeah, Jeremy, it's a car show.
00:20:10Bear with me, OK?
00:20:11Because I've got the figures here.
00:20:13In 2014, 21 of these otters were run over.
00:20:18OK?
00:20:19In 2015, 49 were run over.
00:20:22You only have 185 otters in the whole country, and in two years, you've flattened 70 of them
00:20:30under your car.
00:20:31What is your problem with otters?
00:20:33The thing is, though, I don't want people to get the wrong impression.
00:20:36I don't want everyone to think that Dutch people go around murdering animals.
00:20:40Let me explain.
00:20:41Recently, the government here spent 150,000 euros, and that's 150,000 pounds, 160,000 pounds,
00:20:49170,000 pounds.
00:20:50Yep, that's Brexit for you.
00:20:51There it is.
00:20:52We can't even afford to put mayonnaise on our chips now we're here anymore.
00:20:56Anyway, they spent 150,000 euros on a bridge over a road so squirrels could cross safely.
00:21:03We've got a picture of the bridge.
00:21:05That's a substantial thing.
00:21:06Aw, that's nice.
00:21:07You know this bridge?
00:21:08Is this a famous bridge?
00:21:09That's a squirrel bridge?
00:21:10Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge.
00:21:11Anyway, how many squirrels do you think have used it?
00:21:15A squillion.
00:21:17I can see where you're going with that one, James.
00:21:20No, it isn't.
00:21:21I've got the figures here.
00:21:22CCTV footage has revealed in 2014 three squirrels used it.
00:21:27In 2015, it was used only twice.
00:21:30Why didn't the third squirrel use it again in 2015?
00:21:35Probably got run over.
00:21:36Yeah.
00:21:37Why's somebody mistaking him for an otter?
00:21:39Get it, get it.
00:21:41Now, you probably read the other day, the Dutch are taking a view on whether to allow people to,
00:21:50how can I put this, assisted dying if somebody feels as though their life is complete.
00:21:56OK?
00:21:57Now, this is something that occupies me a lot, I'll be honest with you, because I sometimes
00:22:00think, no, have I done enough now?
00:22:04Yes.
00:22:05No, you know, when, when would it be appropriate for me to think, hmm, time to end?
00:22:12Now.
00:22:13Oh, may I get on with it?
00:22:15Yeah, yeah, do, do it now.
00:22:18No, what I want to say is, OK?
00:22:21I'll get the forms, there can't be many.
00:22:22No, the time comes, shh, the time I think comes when you stop wanting to be an idiot.
00:22:28That's the time when you've done enough.
00:22:30I know what you mean.
00:22:31No, actually, you are right, because I think it's the moment where you go into a big department store
00:22:34and you go into the kitchenware section and you see a tea cosy, but you don't put it
00:22:39on your head.
00:22:41Exactly.
00:22:42Not putting things on your head is a sign it's time.
00:22:45And the time you don't want to put gloves on your ears and pretend to be a reindeer.
00:22:52That's just you, Hammond.
00:22:53It's just me, isn't it?
00:22:54Here's the moment I think you know.
00:22:56You're driving up a motorway, there's a train track next to you, a train comes,
00:23:00one of those fast ones.
00:23:02The day when you don't try and race the train, that's the day.
00:23:06Yes.
00:23:07I have to race the train.
00:23:08Yes.
00:23:09I have to go faster than the train so everyone on the train looks at me and goes,
00:23:12I've made the wrong travel choice.
00:23:14Should have gone in the car, it was quicker.
00:23:16Yes.
00:23:17If you're ever on a train and you look out of the window and you're overtaking me and I can't be bothered to race you,
00:23:22it's because I'm on my way to the new Dutch death clinic.
00:23:27And that is the end of Conversation Street.
00:23:29Now, if you have children, there's every chance they'll spend every spare second they have playing Zombie Splatter 7 or some other such computer game.
00:23:36But what about more traditional board games?
00:23:39Kids these days say they're not interested in such games, but I believe they would be if they were bigger and involved cars.
00:23:48To prove our point, we've come here to the countryside.
00:23:58And on the board game front, we shall start with a classic.
00:24:02A game where two players try and guess where each of the ships are and then blow them up by firing missiles at them.
00:24:09It's a simple game, and as such, if you want to play it with cars, you don't need much.
00:24:17In fact, all you need is a massive former Cold War airfield with enough tarmac to accommodate the board for your board game.
00:24:29With a big enough slab of airfield, you can then lay out your grid onto which you can place your battleships.
00:24:36And all you need for that is several thousand pounds worth of old cars.
00:24:42But not any old cars.
00:24:44This stretch limo, for example, may have seen active service on hundreds of hen nights, but it makes the perfect aircraft carrier.
00:24:53And then there's this Toyota Prius.
00:24:55Its electric engine makes it perfect as a submarine. Silent running.
00:24:59And then there's this Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible.
00:25:03There is no naval equivalent for this car.
00:25:06But who cares if we blow it up? Because it is, after all, crap.
00:25:10And speaking of blowing up, we now come to the missiles.
00:25:14For these, you need a car that is frightening and lethal.
00:25:21A car that strikes fear into other motorists.
00:25:25And what better car could there be for this job than the magnificent Gee Whiz?
00:25:30All I needed now was an opponent. A board game veteran.
00:25:36A man who thinks Call of Duty is a visit to the lavatory.
00:25:41That's excellent, Hammond. You've thought of everything.
00:25:44Oh, I have. Containers as the fence.
00:25:46It's got a fireman in case things get out of hand.
00:25:49Health and safety bloke to stop us blowing ourselves up.
00:25:51Cars that look exactly like ships. The lot.
00:25:53But how are you going to fire the missiles at the cars?
00:25:56Ah, well, that is the real genius in my plan.
00:26:00Easy, powerful and proven.
00:26:03Fire the Gee Whiz missiles with the movie cannon.
00:26:06You reckon that's accurate enough?
00:26:08Well, it's a cannon.
00:26:09No, but you've got to hit a specific square.
00:26:11You aim the cannon. You adjust the trajectory and elevation.
00:26:15But you reckon you can work that out?
00:26:16It's a cannon.
00:26:18To shut James up, I took one of the spare cars
00:26:21to demonstrate a practice shot.
00:26:24Right. We're all set.
00:26:26It's fully charged. Press is good.
00:26:28Fire!
00:26:39I had a better idea for the weapons launching system.
00:26:51So there you go, you see.
00:26:52You call out the grid reference that you want,
00:26:53and the driver just manoeuvres the jib exactly over that square,
00:26:54and then drops the Gee Whiz missile.
00:26:55It is absolutely unerringly accurate.
00:26:56I like that.
00:26:57And like everything else I've done here with all this stuff,
00:26:58this is all things you can do at home in your garden.
00:27:00With the giant containers making sure
00:27:02neither of us could see what the other was doing,
00:27:03James and I moved our battleships into place.
00:27:06And with the board laid out, it was time to play.
00:27:09Right.
00:27:10The hen knight limos each require two hills.
00:27:11Right.
00:27:12And with the board laid out, it was time to play.
00:27:13Right.
00:27:14The hen knight limos each require two hills.
00:27:15And with the board laid out, it was time to play.
00:27:18Right.
00:27:19Right.
00:27:20The hen knight limos each require two hills to be sunk.
00:27:22Both the motorhomes, they each require two hills to be sunk as well.
00:27:23And then my Prius and your PT Cruiser, they each require one.
00:27:25One.
00:27:26One.
00:27:27One.
00:27:28One.
00:27:29One.
00:27:30One.
00:27:31One.
00:27:32One.
00:27:33One.
00:27:34One.
00:27:35One.
00:27:36One.
00:27:37One.
00:27:38One.
00:27:39One.
00:27:40One.
00:27:41One.
00:27:42One.
00:27:43One.
00:27:44One.
00:27:45Two.
00:27:46One.
00:27:47require one to be sunk. We've got ten G-Wiz missiles each, five hits needed to win. Got it?
00:27:54Yes, right.
00:27:56Having won the toss, James would be first to fire, but I had a cunning plan to thwart him.
00:28:03What I've done is put a couple of my ships right out on the edges, because James will think,
00:28:09Hammond's a bit thick, and it's a typically amateurish tactic to put your ships on the edge,
00:28:14so that's what he'll have done. But then he'll think, hang on, even Hammond's not that thick.
00:28:19He just wants me to think he's thick, so he'll have put his cars in the middle.
00:28:24James will then not go for the edges, he'll go for the middle. But my ships will be at the edges.
00:28:31It's like a double or even a triple bluff.
00:28:35Now, Hammond is a bit thick, really, so I reckon he'll have put his all around the edges.
00:28:42D2, please.
00:28:44Fire!
00:28:47Fire!
00:28:55What was that?
00:29:01It was my limo!
00:29:03Hit on your limo on D2. Thank you. Your shot.
00:29:09Red crane driver, I'd like C4. Please, C4.
00:29:13Fire!
00:29:22That's a miss.
00:29:25C4, miss.
00:29:27Back to my original theory.
00:29:29Hammond will have gone along the edge. I'm pretty confident of that.
00:29:32So is it there, or is it there?
00:29:34Green crane driver, fire at D1.
00:29:38One, fire!
00:29:47Yes!
00:29:48You sank my limousine!
00:29:51One sinking to me, a miss for Admiral Hammond.
00:29:56And you've overdone the explosives.
00:30:01One plan would be, if you're playing this at home, do it on a day when there's a lot of barbecues in the area.
00:30:06That way people would just say, well, yeah, it's a big barbecue they're having next door.
00:30:11With my aircraft carrier gone, and James's fleet unscathed, I had to break my duck.
00:30:19I'd like you to hit B2, please.
00:30:27B2, what?
00:30:29Well, there's no, where are they?
00:30:31I've just got a feeling.
00:30:33B1.
00:30:34B1, please.
00:30:41Red crane driver, can I have square A1?
00:30:48Fire!
00:30:53Oh!
00:30:55Yes!
00:30:56Come on!
00:30:57Oh, you are on the run, that is it.
00:30:59Do you want to give up?
00:31:00You've sunk my cruiser.
00:31:02So that's a big red kill on A1.
00:31:06Boom!
00:31:07But James wasn't taking this lying down.
00:31:11C3.
00:31:13Fire!
00:31:18Yes!
00:31:19You hit my submarine, my invisible silent running priors.
00:31:23Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:31:25I am losing badly.
00:31:27I scored only one hit, he scored three.
00:31:31But then the game started to turn, as James had a run of three straight misses.
00:31:37Fire!
00:31:37Fire!
00:31:46It was a miss!
00:31:48Ah!
00:31:50I'm closing down my options.
00:31:51Close your options down further still if you were to hit rather than miss.
00:31:56Which was exactly what I was now doing.
00:32:00B3, please.
00:32:01A3, please.
00:32:10Yes!
00:32:12You've sunk my battleship.
00:32:14I am raining down destruction on your dwindling fleet of doomed ships, you loser.
00:32:20Aha!
00:32:21No, I'm not losing, we're neck and neck.
00:32:25Annoyingly, James was right.
00:32:27I still had my battleship Winnebago, and he still had his stretched aircraft carrier, both
00:32:33of which needed two hits to destroy.
00:32:36It was May's turn to play.
00:32:41B2.
00:32:43Critical stage of the game now.
00:32:45I hit now and I'm in trouble.
00:32:48Fire!
00:32:55Yes!
00:32:55Yes!
00:32:56Yes!
00:32:56Yes!
00:32:57I shouldn't feel so good, but it does.
00:33:02Oh.
00:33:06It's going to be here.
00:33:08Red Crane, target C1, please.
00:33:11C1.
00:33:13Fire!
00:33:18Hard luck Horatio Hammond.
00:33:20All I've got to do now, get inside Richard Hammond's mind.
00:33:27An awful place, admittedly, but if I can just get in there for a second, which way has he
00:33:32put it?
00:33:33There and there, there and there, there and there.
00:33:42C2.
00:33:48Fire!
00:33:50That'll be a miss.
00:34:00That, Captain May, all was a miss.
00:34:08However, while James now had to choose between just two squares, I was looking at a choice of
00:34:14six.
00:34:16Red Crane, target C2, please.
00:34:19C2.
00:34:19C2.
00:34:20Red Crane, fire.
00:34:27I meant C3.
00:34:28I meant...
00:34:30Yes!
00:34:35Oh, yes!
00:34:37Yes!
00:34:38Works.
00:34:39That mistaken shot wasn't just a hit.
00:34:45It had changed everything.
00:34:46Because I said C2, when actually I meant three, in case it was there, that's a kill, bang, which
00:34:54means it has to be there, which means it has to be there, it can't be here or here, so I've
00:34:57got him.
00:34:57James, you do know what that means, don't you?
00:34:59Yes, I've just worked it out.
00:35:01I've got to get this right, otherwise you've won.
00:35:04Do you want to surrender?
00:35:05Do you want to surrender?
00:35:06No, I don't.
00:35:07So, I was now faced with the choice that would decide the game.
00:35:13A2 or B3?
00:35:17A2, B3, what would Richard Hammond do?
00:35:20Green Crane driver.
00:35:24Oh, God.
00:35:29Come when you're bewildered on Spaniel, miss.
00:35:35Right.
00:35:36Fire!
00:35:37Fire!
00:35:39Fire!
00:35:40Fire!
00:35:41Fire!
00:35:42Fire!
00:35:43Fire!
00:35:45Fire!
00:35:47Fire!
00:35:48Fire!
00:35:49Fire!
00:35:50Fire!
00:35:51Fire!
00:35:52Fire!
00:35:53Fire!
00:35:55Yes!
00:35:55Yes!
00:35:56YES!
00:35:57YES!
00:36:02YES!
00:36:08H-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
00:36:09Hammond!
00:36:11Best of three?
00:36:17All right there!
00:36:20I met the makers of Sony Playstation,
00:36:22Quaking in there. Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
00:36:25I wouldn't be surprised, I know. There's the future.
00:36:28That was a total waste of time.
00:36:29Oh, well, now, hang on.
00:36:31No, we destroyed a PT Cruiser, a Prius, and many gee whizzes.
00:36:34Well, that's true, yes, but, James...
00:36:37James!
00:36:40Never mind.
00:36:41Let's move on to...
00:36:43Celebrity Brain Crash!
00:36:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:36:51Yeah, yeah.
00:36:56This week...
00:36:57This week, we don't just have one star, we have several.
00:37:02One of the biggest bands ever to come out of Holland,
00:37:06and they're going to begin here
00:37:08in the sixth largest port in the world...
00:37:12..by performing their biggest hits.
00:37:14By which I mean, their hit.
00:37:16Ladies and gentlemen,
00:37:18Golden Earring!
00:37:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37:21I'll tell you what,
00:37:24you want to make the lights go a bit better.
00:37:26Can we dim the lights?
00:37:27Yeah, yeah, a bit more rock and roll.
00:37:28That's better, a bit more rock and roll.
00:37:29What is their hit?
00:37:30Well, this is Holland's birthplace of the speed camera.
00:37:33It's obvious.
00:37:34Radar Love.
00:37:40I've been driving all night,
00:37:41my hands wet on the wheel.
00:37:43OK, ladies and gentlemen,
00:37:53erm, there's a cable that's gone into the sea here,
00:37:56and...
00:37:57Yeah.
00:37:58..Golden Earring have been electrocuted.
00:38:02Does that mean they're not coming on, then?
00:38:03Does that mean they're not coming on, then?
00:38:05Well, James, they've been subjected to a lethal dose of electricity
00:38:08and are now lying on the ground sizzling,
00:38:10so it's...
00:38:11No, they're not.
00:38:12No. OK, OK.
00:38:13That is a very grisly scene.
00:38:14I apologise for that, everybody.
00:38:16Erm, probably not as grisly, though,
00:38:18as if you're looking at us from out there.
00:38:21Eh?
00:38:22Well, think about it.
00:38:24Oh, yeah.
00:38:25Yeah.
00:38:26We are standing in a window in a Dutch port,
00:38:28bathed in red light.
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:30And we've got no trade lining up, nobody's here.
00:38:34No.
00:38:35No, I know, I know, I've had an idea.
00:38:37I've had an idea of how we can fill the time
00:38:40that would have been taken up by the late Golden Earring.
00:38:42See, the thing is...
00:38:44Can we just make the lights go white again now?
00:38:45Pretend that never happened.
00:38:47Good.
00:38:48See, the thing is that in Holland,
00:38:49there are these motorist accessory stores, OK?
00:38:52Yeah.
00:38:53They're open all night, places for them.
00:38:54We actually went to one last night,
00:38:56bought a whole load of amazing stuff you can use on the road.
00:38:59Bring it over here, let's show you a couple of things.
00:39:02I mean, this, for example, it's an incredible safety device.
00:39:05Yeah.
00:39:06No, this is very clever because, in a lot of car crashes,
00:39:10people bite their tongue, sometimes off,
00:39:13but by wearing this neat safety device,
00:39:15no way is he biting his tongue.
00:39:17Look at that!
00:39:18Perfectly safe.
00:39:19That is clever.
00:39:19Unbelievable.
00:39:20The traffic cones that fit in the glove box.
00:39:23Yeah.
00:39:24There's one here.
00:39:26Yeah.
00:39:27It's not funny stuff.
00:39:28This is safety material, another one.
00:39:29These are quite compact, so you can fit them in your boot.
00:39:32Thing is, though, OK, in America, as I'm sure you know,
00:39:36there are high occupancy vehicle lanes.
00:39:38You're not allowed to go in them
00:39:41unless you've got two or more people in the car.
00:39:43Now, we've always been very worried in Europe
00:39:45that this idea is going to come over here,
00:39:47but the Dutch have it covered
00:39:48because in these motorist accessory shops,
00:39:52you can buy inflatable people.
00:39:54We've got one here.
00:39:55Very clever, that's very clever.
00:39:57Isn't it?
00:39:57I mean, the only slight issue is they do take a lot of effort
00:40:00to blow up.
00:40:01It's hard work doing.
00:40:02It doesn't matter, though, because here's the thing.
00:40:05OK, if you arrive at one of those high occupancy vehicle lanes,
00:40:09then you pull over on the hard shoulder,
00:40:12just past the Dutch on the left-hand side here,
00:40:14and then use your engine to blow up your inflatable person.
00:40:19So I'm going to do that now just to show you
00:40:21how unbelievably easy this is.
00:40:24Are we ready?
00:40:26Just put a bit of fuel in there, and here we go.
00:40:29Why have you put your fingers in your ears?
00:40:31It's only a V8.
00:40:32It's virtually silent.
00:40:36Here we go.
00:40:37Right, the inflatable person has split.
00:41:02Oh, dear.
00:41:03Mine's all right.
00:41:05Let's move on, shall we?
00:41:08Tonight, we are in Morocco for what was supposed to be
00:41:11a sensible sports car test of my Mazda MX-5
00:41:15versus Bob Marley's Norfolk-built Xenos.
00:41:19Unfortunately, the ape turned up uninvited
00:41:23in a ridiculously expensive Alfa Romeo.
00:41:26Yes, I did.
00:41:28And when we left the action, I decided to see which of the cars
00:41:32was the lightest by building some rudimentary
00:41:35scales, a job that these two thought would be beyond me.
00:41:47Despite the cynicism of my colleagues the next morning,
00:41:51my scales were ready.
00:41:53Even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight.
00:42:09How are you going to get it on there?
00:42:12It's going to jump.
00:42:13Oh, yeah, they're big jumpers, Cat.
00:42:15Look, you see, it wants to.
00:42:16He's limbering up, he's getting ready, you can tell.
00:42:18Up, you come.
00:42:19It's not going to jump. They can't jump. Up, you come.
00:42:22On the off chance that this isn't a jumping cat,
00:42:25which it might not be, I think you need a ramp.
00:42:28You hold that. I shall go and make a ramp.
00:42:31Hello. Hello.
00:42:32Hello, nice cat. Oh, it's bonded with you, Jeremy. It's bonded.
00:42:36Soon, without any help at all,
00:42:38I had fashioned a makeshift ramp.
00:42:44Very good. Well done. That was quick and effective.
00:42:47Unfortunately, the cow had wandered off,
00:42:50so I had to draft in a substitute.
00:42:54Come on, camel. Come on, camel. Come on.
00:42:56Come on, camel. Come on.
00:43:00Come on. Come on. He's not going to go on.
00:43:04Up you come. Come on. Come on.
00:43:06Can you push him? Oh, no.
00:43:07Not really, because they kick your balls off if you do that.
00:43:09Let me...
00:43:10David Attenborough has never said that.
00:43:13Eventually, I had some success.
00:43:16This is good. We are getting there.
00:43:18We are building up a big Christmas dinner.
00:43:20And then the original cow came back.
00:43:22Come on, doctor. Think little. Come on. Come on.
00:43:27I'm going over here. Come on. Good cow.
00:43:34Tragically, however...
00:43:35It's not enough.
00:43:38Could you go and get another cow?
00:43:40Come on, small cow.
00:43:42He's on. Right. Excellent. Good, good, good, good, good.
00:43:44Jeremy? Yes.
00:43:46This is... Oh, my God.
00:43:48I don't want to be here for this.
00:43:49I'm on some scales. It's carrots come out.
00:43:52Are they both boy cows?
00:43:53Yeah, they're both boys.
00:43:55Yeah. No, this is quite bad.
00:43:59Yeah. I'm stuck on a porn set.
00:44:04Am I part of this? Is this a threesome?
00:44:05He's trod on a turkey. No, he hasn't.
00:44:07More importantly, the whole cast of our porn films
00:44:11still weighed less than the Mazda.
00:44:14Chickens. Hello, chickies.
00:44:17Fair enough, is it?
00:44:18No. Doesn't make sense.
00:44:20Jeremy, this is complete nonsense.
00:44:22Cow sex.
00:44:25Come on. On we go. On you go.
00:44:28I'm not convinced that this isn't... Oh, the goats escaped.
00:44:31At this stage, we explained to Jeremy that animals
00:44:35cannot be used as counterweights.
00:44:38Right, now, you may have a point.
00:44:40I think it's better if I kill them.
00:44:42What?
00:44:43Well, if they're dead, they won't mind.
00:44:47This plan made the job much easier.
00:44:52Oh, hello. My experiment has worked.
00:44:56Well, we have a figure.
00:44:58For the record, it weighs two cows,
00:45:00two legs of cows, brackets, rear, one camel and three goats.
00:45:03That's incredible.
00:45:05It's the most exciting thing I've ever been involved in.
00:45:09Having established the weight of the Mazda,
00:45:12it was time to do the Xenos.
00:45:15Right, Hammond, reverse off down my superb ramp.
00:45:20Whoa. I'm going to work this way a bit, then.
00:45:22Why is he doing that? James counterbalances with you.
00:45:25Hang on, that's not gone well.
00:45:26No, it's moved. No, it's good. No, it's...
00:45:28Oh!
00:45:29Oh, this is...
00:45:31Now the back wheels have come off.
00:45:32Somebody get on the whole crew!
00:45:36What's happened?
00:45:37Oh, God!
00:45:39No, then, there's no point doing that, Hammond.
00:45:41We need to think this through.
00:45:47Hang on, I've got an idea.
00:45:48If you get off there, this side will go up.
00:45:50Then you can put the ramp under the back wheels of the Mazda
00:45:53when it comes down again, so that you all need to get off.
00:45:56Yes.
00:45:57Right, I'm off.
00:46:02Hang on. Are you going up now?
00:46:04I think so.
00:46:05No, we need more. I know. Everybody has to get on there.
00:46:06On that side, yeah.
00:46:08Everybody, all the crew.
00:46:09All the chunkier lads.
00:46:10If you get on that one...
00:46:13How did we get into this position?
00:46:15Right, somebody pull on the front just to tip it.
00:46:16Then we'll move this ramp.
00:46:19Hello, can I help Paul?
00:46:21He's down now!
00:46:22We're gonna die!
00:46:24Am I dead? Am I dead?
00:46:29Thanks to our fluent French,
00:46:31we were able to get the forklift driver to help us.
00:46:35Le Mazda.
00:46:38Er...
00:46:39Areted.
00:46:42Reversez-vous le ramp.
00:46:44Introducez le ramp.
00:46:46Yeah.
00:46:49Then the authorities arrived.
00:46:52Ah, les animaux.
00:46:52Yes, les animaux.
00:46:54Wait, erm...
00:46:56C'est un problème.
00:46:58James?
00:46:58No?
00:46:59It's not acceptable in Morocco
00:47:02to kill animals to establish the weight of a car, so...
00:47:05It's not acceptable in Morocco.
00:47:07Having established nothing at all,
00:47:09we were all ordered to leave,
00:47:11which made Hammond very cheesed-off with me.
00:47:14You're a bloody idiot!
00:47:15Funny!
00:47:16I think he's angry, isn't he?
00:47:20And I wasn't in James's good books, either.
00:47:24Clarkson!
00:47:25What's the matter?
00:47:26I want the steering wheel back, you muppet.
00:47:29I haven't got it.
00:47:30You have?
00:47:31How about one of those goats that's got it?
00:47:34Goats can't pick things up.
00:47:43With his wheel retrieved, we set off.
00:47:46And soon, James and I decided something needed to be done.
00:47:51Jeremy, are you there?
00:47:52Yes, I am.
00:47:53Yes, I am.
00:47:55Oh, good. Erm...
00:47:57Look, just...
00:48:00Just bear with me, OK?
00:48:01This isn't really working as well as we'd hoped at the moment.
00:48:06So we think it would be better if we went our own way
00:48:09and you went yours.
00:48:13Are you in on this, James?
00:48:15Well, the thing is, we had conceived quite an interesting test
00:48:20between an everyday sports car and a hardcore sports car.
00:48:24And, I mean, it's not you, but, I mean, really, it's the Alfa.
00:48:27The Alfa doesn't fit.
00:48:31Right, well, OK. I'll leave you two alone.
00:48:35And I do mean alone, because I'm going to take the film cruise with me.
00:48:40Now that we're alone, I could...
00:48:52prattle on for hours about what the Alfa Romeo badge means
00:48:57and how, with its carbon fibre tub, this isn't really a sports car.
00:49:01It's more a scaled-down, cut-price LaFerrari.
00:49:06But I've had a better idea.
00:49:10What I did was find a wonderful piece of road...
00:49:21..and then shut up, so the pictures could do the talking.
00:49:31Round, like a circle in a spiral,
00:49:36like a wheel within a wheel,
00:49:39like the circles that you find
00:49:43in the windows of your mind.
00:49:52Like a tunnel that you follow
00:49:55to a tunnel of its own
00:50:00Down a hollow to a heaven
00:50:03Where the sun has never shone
00:50:05Where the sun has never shone
00:50:09Like a door that keeps revolving
00:50:11In a half-forgotten dream
00:50:13Or the ripples from a pebble
00:50:15Someone tosses in a stream
00:50:17Or the ripples
00:50:19Or the ripples from a pebble
00:50:20Or the ripples from a pebble
00:50:21Someone tosses in a stream
00:50:25Like a clock whose hands is sweeping
00:50:27Past the minutes of its face
00:50:29Past the minutes of its face
00:50:31And the world is like an apple
00:50:33Whirling silently in space
00:50:35Like the circles that you find
00:50:37In the windows of your mind
00:50:38That's the thing about this, Alpha. If you talk about it, you're going to criticise it. If you just look at it, you're going to fall in love. Oh, hello.
00:50:52That's the thing about this, Alpha. If you talk about it, you're going to criticise it. If you just look at it, you're going to fall in love. Oh, hello.
00:51:06Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here!
00:51:10What's the matter with him?
00:51:12Well, for the first time in my life, I'm rather glad you're here, because he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilization
00:51:21And he got very excited. And I couldn't say, no, Hammond, it's not real.
00:51:25It's a film set. That is where they filmed Asterix and Obelix. And that is where they filmed Game of Thrones.
00:51:31Yeah, I know that. But he thinks it's real. He thinks aliens have come down
00:51:35And that everything that universities in Britain know about ancient Egypt, ancient Greece, ancient Rome is all wrong.
00:51:46Which feet last trod these steps?
00:51:49Were they even human?
00:51:55Maybe they were that big.
00:51:57This was actually used in Jewel of the Nile.
00:52:00Is it?
00:52:01Yeah. Starring Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, and I think Danny DeVito.
00:52:07Hammond probably thinks it's a spaceship. That's how they got here.
00:52:11It's like touching hands across the millennia.
00:52:22These were not primitive people.
00:52:24While Indiana Hammond continued his deluded ramblings, I came up with an idea.
00:52:36I'll tell you what this place has never been used at.
00:52:38What? A racetrack.
00:52:44Having convinced Richard we wouldn't anger the sleeping gods, we made a circuit from the roads, running through the studio lot.
00:52:52And then I went off to get changed.
00:52:58Wow, Hammond. Roger Moore isn't here.
00:53:00No, he's not, is he? What is that?
00:53:02It's my Alfa Romeo racing suit.
00:53:05Is it?
00:53:06Yes, it is. Look at that.
00:53:07Oh.
00:53:08Peacock lining.
00:53:09That makes it better.
00:53:10It's the dick from Del Monte.
00:53:11It's the cock from Del Monte.
00:53:13The dick from Del Monte, he's saying, rah, rah, rah.
00:53:16In an Alfa Romeo.
00:53:17It's tremendous.
00:53:18In an Alfa Romeo.
00:53:22Looking good is more important than looking where you're going.
00:53:24That's a shame.
00:53:25When are you going to do that then?
00:53:29It was now time to get down to business.
00:53:32But first, we went out for some sighting laps.
00:53:39It's all skinny.
00:53:42This is very narrow. James did this.
00:53:45That's only an inch wider than my car, you stupid man.
00:53:49But I'm in.
00:53:51Into ancient Egypt.
00:53:55Oh, wow, look at that. Paintings and everything.
00:54:00I'm going to go around the unconvincing bike to death.
00:54:05Understeering nightmare, but that's not good.
00:54:07Must remember that.
00:54:10The problem you have in the 4C is it's mid-engine,
00:54:12which means on a surface like this,
00:54:14there's no weight over the front, and that means no grip.
00:54:20Unlike the other two, this is front-engined,
00:54:23so there's less weight on the back end,
00:54:25which would make for a livelier back end
00:54:27and more time enjoying oversteer.
00:54:32Oh, I'm going to spin.
00:54:35That's bad.
00:54:36That's too much oversteer.
00:54:39Game of Thrones, sir.
00:54:41Mustn't think about Khaleesi.
00:54:43Oh, no.
00:54:44Thinking about Khaleesi, it's bad.
00:54:46Don't think about Khaleesi.
00:54:48No!
00:54:51Holy crap.
00:54:53It's a castle.
00:54:57Oh, no.
00:54:58Nearly hit a bit of Nazareth then.
00:55:00Jesus would have been displeased.
00:55:02Having got to know our weird and demanding track,
00:55:10we began the timed laps,
00:55:12with James going first in his lightweight, powerful Norfolk-mobile.
00:55:19Right, are we ready, James May?
00:55:20Yes.
00:55:21In three, two, one, begin!
00:55:23Oh, where's the bend?
00:55:39Oh, balls.
00:55:40Do you know what worries me most of all?
00:55:42It's the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Xenos.
00:55:47And that he's lent it to us on the television all over the world.
00:55:50Which one's driving it?
00:55:51Wait!
00:55:52Oh, no.
00:55:56Right, now what do I do?
00:56:01After my first corner cock-up, I was on the back foot,
00:56:04trying to make up time.
00:56:10Heading for Nazareth, I think.
00:56:17Whoa!
00:56:18All over the place.
00:56:27Round and round the thingy.
00:56:30Whoa!
00:56:37Fast, faster, faster.
00:56:39Faster.
00:56:48Well, this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly.
00:56:57Right.
00:56:59But it's okay, you were just in that time.
00:57:01Awesome.
00:57:02James, did you manage to drive whilst dragging your face along the ground?
00:57:06A lot of dust comes in.
00:57:08Why don't you wind the windows up?
00:57:09You're funny men.
00:57:10Next, it was the turn of John Travolta.
00:57:16Never has anybody looked quite so good on a timed lap.
00:57:20On a timed lap.
00:57:25In three, two, one, go!
00:57:34Let's make this count.
00:57:35Oh, no!
00:57:40Oh, no!
00:57:51Sideways in linen.
00:57:52Downside.
00:57:54Downside.
00:57:55You're going to throne, sir.
00:57:56Downside.
00:57:57Downside.
00:57:58Downside.
00:57:59Downside.
00:58:00Downside.
00:58:01Downside.
00:58:02Game of Thrones, sir.
00:58:17Understeering.
00:58:20Turn, turn!
00:58:25Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing.
00:58:29Pin it now!
00:58:32Well, he arrived!
00:58:50Finally, Sir John Blashford Hammond.
00:58:55Ready? Yes. In three, two, one, go!
00:59:02Right, this is it.
00:59:04I can't afford a single error.
00:59:08I can't afford a single error.
00:59:10I can't afford a single error.
00:59:12I can't afford a single error.
00:59:22I can't afford a single error.
00:59:29I can't afford a single error.
00:59:31I can't afford a single error.
00:59:33I can't afford a single error.
00:59:35I can't afford a single error.
00:59:37Oh, this is a hot lap!
00:59:39Oh, this is a hot lap!
00:59:41Oh, this is a hot lap!
00:59:51Here he comes.
00:59:53And with that, back to the tent.
01:00:07That's good.
01:00:09Hang on a minute.
01:00:11Hang on, you know that windmills of your mind sequence in the car?
01:00:16Yeah.
01:00:17Well, you made the Alpha look really good in that.
01:00:19Yes.
01:00:20Yeah, but what if somebody buys one?
01:00:21You don't want that on your conscience, do you?
01:00:23What do you mean?
01:00:24It was a brilliant car.
01:00:25I needed to watch.
01:00:26Anyway, anyway, I have the results here of the laps.
01:00:29And, well, in third place, you in the Xenos.
01:00:31Second place, you in the Alpha.
01:00:32First place, the winner was me in the Mazda.
01:00:35But it was a hollow victory because I ruined an ancient piece of sculpture.
01:00:41Yes, but here's the thing.
01:00:42OK, after the weight test and the speed test we did,
01:00:46we've learned nothing.
01:00:49Yes, nothing.
01:00:50Nothing at all.
01:00:51Literally nothing at all.
01:00:52And on that terrible disappointment, I'm afraid it's time to end.
01:00:56Thank you so much for watching.
01:00:57See you next week.
01:00:58Goodbye.
01:00:59Bye.
01:01:22Bye.
01:01:23Bye.