- 1 week ago
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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00:00You
01:00Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the Grand Tour. And in this week's program, I drive a saloon car.
01:30James drives a catering lorry.
01:35And Richard has a knife fight.
01:38Let's dance.
01:39That is all to come. But first of all, let me talk you through where we are. It's South Africa. Over there in the distance, you can see Johannesburg. But this place here is called the Cradle of Humankind.
01:54Now, it's called that because archaeologists have determined it was on this very spot that mankind separated from the ape.
02:03Well, I mean...
02:10Mate, I mean...
02:13What?
02:14Be reasonable. You've learnt to put socks on, but other than that...
02:18Listen, I'm trying to be profound here, okay? Carry on, carry on. I'm trying to be profound because this is ground zero. This is where all of human history began. Anyone who comes here, it's like coming home.
02:31Jeremy?
02:32Jeremy?
02:33What?
02:34How long has it taken some of us to evolve from being apes then?
02:38It's taken two million and a hundred.
02:42Four hundred.
02:43And you...
02:44You are highly wondering why everybody here is applauding.
02:55And it's because, while the rest of mankind has managed to grasp the concept of arithmetic, the president of South Africa, Jacob Zuma...
03:05Well, how can I put this? He sort of hasn't. I've got a clip here, show you what I'm on about.
03:11We announced that our membership figures stood at 769,820...
03:39I mean...
03:46Honestly...
03:49Funny thing is...
03:52Jacob Zuma is actually a bit of a controversial figure here. He recently installed a swimming pool at his home. And then, because he'd used taxpayers' money to do that, he said it was actually a water storage facility in case of a fire.
04:06So, in other words, if he burst into flames, he could jump into it and put himself out in ten hundred and three hundred seconds.
04:13He has also bought himself what he claims is a fire engine. Nice.
04:20Yep, he's also got himself an ambulance. Yep, can't be too careful.
04:27And if he's got a fire engine in South Africa...
04:29...big problem here, of course, is the wildlife. Because how do you accurately warn motorists...
04:34that there may be a deary thing ahead,
04:36and that it could be full of helium.
04:39Well, the authorities have had a go.
04:41They've come up with this as a sign, which is not...
04:44It's not bad, except they got the word wrong.
04:51It's not, isn't it?
04:53No, it's not baboon.
04:54No, it's not.
04:55We're from England. We know that's not a baboon.
04:59Baboons are actually very dangerous here.
05:04Certainly, they've got a better idea
05:06of how to handle a gun than the local police.
05:11Oh, God!
05:12Actually using that as a shooting stick.
05:15Should we get on with this show?
05:16Yes, good idea. Good plan.
05:18Yes, let's. And we start with Aston Martin.
05:21Because the company must have had a meeting recently.
05:23The bosses must have said,
05:25it's gonna be a few years now
05:26until the next Bond film is out.
05:28So what are we gonna do at Aston Martin
05:29to generate some headlines in the meantime?
05:32And what they must have decided is
05:33to make a car that is as good as a car can be.
05:36Yeah, now, they weren't talking about making a racing car,
05:38because in racing there are rules
05:40about how big the engine can be
05:41and what sort of tyres you can use.
05:43Yep, and they weren't talking about making a road car,
05:45because then it would have to meet emissions, regulations,
05:48it would have to have comfy rubber bits in the suspension,
05:50and all that stuff would just slow it down.
05:52Yes, exactly. They wanted to make a car that adhered to no rules
05:55and no regulations.
05:57So they have.
06:08This is what they came up with.
06:10It costs 1.8 million pounds.
06:21And it's called the Vulcan.
06:26Spectacular, isn't it?
06:34But not very practical.
06:38Oh, oh, oh.
06:54Oh, God. Ow!
06:55Ah!
06:56Oh, God!
06:58Now I'm totally stuck, oh yeah, you will be able to edit this out won't you, I don't
07:22want people thinking I'm fat. Right, I'm going to pop it into gear now, you may hear this
07:29a little bit. Good, first. Foot and clutch, and now it's time to fire up the 7 litre V12.
07:52It's quite normal.
08:15When I got going, things didn't get much better.
08:22Even at slow speeds, it is quite loud in here, which is why I'm wearing this silly face
08:31microphone sitting here, what I'm on about.
08:34The noisiest part of this car, however, is not the engine.
08:39That's the brakes.
08:47They are quite squeaky.
08:56Actually sounds like I'm stamping on a piglet.
09:00And things get worse when you put your foot down.
09:05I'm not going to say that it's like being attacked by a bear, because it isn't.
09:17But it is like being in a room with a bear that's thinking of attacking you.
09:23And at the moment, I've turned the engine down on this knob here to its minimum setting.
09:30It's only producing 500 horsepower.
09:33So it's not really the speed that's scary.
09:38Oh, God.
09:40It's the noise and the harshness and the vibrations.
09:50It's not a very well-equipped car, either.
09:53The windows don't wind down, for instance.
09:55There are no toys at all.
09:57And you only get half a steering wheel.
10:05However, there is one amazing thing you get for your £1.8 million.
10:10An all-expenses-paid trip to a racetrack of your choice,
10:14where an Aston Martin test driver will teach you how to drive your car
10:18not with the engine wound down to 500 horsepower,
10:22but with it turned up.
10:24To the max.
10:27The engine is now producing 820 horsepower,
10:50and the speed is just the biggest belief.
10:54The power is in attack mode.
11:01The figures say it'll do 0-60 in 2.9 seconds.
11:07And as it comes to being a McTurney late with that wing on the back.
11:11But it feels a hell of a lot faster than that.
11:15Oh, God.
11:16The other thing you get for your money is a squadron of mechanics.
11:29But sadly, not a handbrake.
11:37Right, what I've done now is I've taken...
11:40Yes, I've taken the steering wheel off,
11:42so I can't put it in gear to stop it rolling away.
11:44Oh, God.
11:46Oh, God.
11:49Ah!
11:50Ah!
11:51Ah!
11:52Ah!
11:52When I'd finally got it to stop,
11:58the jacks were deployed,
12:00and the mechanics set to work.
12:03That's the thing about the Vulcan.
12:06Wing angle, roll bar, suspension, brakes.
12:09Everything can be adjusted to suit your personal taste.
12:12After ten minutes of pretending I knew what they were doing,
12:18I was back on the track.
12:23And the car felt just as bonkers as it had done before.
12:30However, I've changed.
12:34I've been driving this thing now,
12:37I don't know, three or four hours,
12:39and I'm starting to understand it.
12:42I'm starting to get used to it.
12:45I'm starting to trust it.
12:49Now I'm starting to understand
12:51why the Vulcan could go around the Nardo handling circuit
12:56in southern Italy
12:57nine seconds faster than the McLaren P1.
13:03Nine seconds in car time.
13:06That's a year.
13:09You get phenomenal mechanical grip
13:15in the low-speed corners,
13:17and then on the isn't straight,
13:19you've got a tonne and a half of downforce
13:21thanks to its aerodynamics.
13:26Then you have the power
13:28from the engine,
13:31which feels, oh, old-fashioned,
13:35proper.
13:35I'm surprised it doesn't have carburettors.
13:40I love this thing very much.
13:48And what I love most of all
13:50is that it's not a testbed.
13:52It's not an example of what cars will be like in the future.
13:55It's a celebration of what they were like in the past.
13:59What it is
14:02is old-time rock and roll.
14:14Thank you very much.
14:15So, I get the impression you quite like the car.
14:22Oh, it's unbelievable, that thing.
14:24And what I love most of all
14:25is they've made it out of bits
14:26that they already had lying around in the factory.
14:28It'd be like you going home
14:29after your trip to South Africa,
14:31opening up the fridge
14:31and using what's there
14:33to make a delicious shepherd's pie.
14:36What, some stale milk and an old piece of cheese?
14:37Yes, exactly.
14:38You could dust it.
14:39And it costs, what is it, 1.8 million pounds?
14:41Yes.
14:42How much is that, Jeremy, in rand?
14:441030 million and a million.
14:46Is it?
14:48But for that,
14:49it does 0 to 16, what, 2.9 seconds?
14:51Mm-hmm.
14:52So it's nearly as fast as an Aventador
14:54or a Caterham R600
14:55or an Aerial Atom V8,
14:57but much more expensive
14:59and not road legal.
15:01Yes, thank you very much for relieving yourself
15:03all over my enthusiasm.
15:05You're welcome.
15:06It is a brilliant, brilliant car.
15:08And only one question now remains.
15:10How fast will it go around our track
15:13in the hands of a man
15:15who thinks that everything British
15:16is basically communist?
15:19Here he is,
15:21looking a bit confused.
15:24All right, folks,
15:25let's see what this bag of bolts will do.
15:28And he's off.
15:30And immediately on to the isn't straight.
15:33First corner coming up.
15:35And he's flat through there.
15:37That is ballsy.
15:39Changing down there for the second corner
15:42on the isn't straight,
15:43but now he can use full power.
15:44800 brake horsepower?
15:47You kidding me?
15:49No.
15:50Hard on the brakes for your name here.
15:53He has got to be impressed with this.
15:56About $50,000.
15:58I can get one of my old trucks,
15:59NASCAR style.
16:01It's got 800 brake horsepower.
16:05Deer hunting.
16:06Got room for a couple deer in the back.
16:09I don't think you can put no deer in this thing.
16:11Plenty of deer to run over, though.
16:13Back on the isn't straight.
16:15James Bond drives one of these.
16:18Shit.
16:19Vin Diesel whipped his ass.
16:22Yes, I'm sure he would,
16:23but down into first.
16:26I don't know about this thing.
16:28Like a red-headed stepchild,
16:29I'm talking.
16:31Be damn ugly.
16:34Sure, he's fully concentrating
16:35past old lady's house.
16:37He is flat out towards substation.
16:39It is bumpy here.
16:40And there's new tarmac on the apex.
16:43Will it kick the tail out?
16:44Yes, he does it, mate.
16:45He's okay.
16:46Into field of sheep.
16:47New sheep today.
16:48And there he is across the line.
16:53He's a hell of a truck.
16:54He's a hell of a truck.
16:56Big time.
16:57Anyway,
16:59we must now bring up the lapboard
17:01and find out how fast the American
17:03got round in the Vulcan.
17:04Let's have a look.
17:06Ooh, it's quicker than all.
17:08Hello.
17:08Yeah, there you go.
17:15You see,
17:15old-time rock and roll.
17:18Old-time rock and roll
17:19has beaten rap and techno
17:22and R and B
17:24and is now at the top.
17:26Very good.
17:26Yes, well done and thank you.
17:28And now we must move on
17:29because it's time for us
17:30to take a gentle stroll
17:31down Conversation Street.
17:33Right, sticking with Aston Martin,
17:42they've teamed up with Red Bull Racing
17:44to create this.
17:46It's called the 001.
17:48Okay, it has a V12,
17:49no turbos,
17:51none of that sort of hybrid witchcraft,
17:53yet it produces 900 horsepower
17:56in a car that only weighs 900 kilos.
18:02Staggering.
18:03Well, more than staggering,
18:03that is actually a bit of a magic figure
18:05because that means it has
18:06one horsepower per kilogram
18:08and no other car gets close to that.
18:10Not even remotely close.
18:11The Vulcan's nowhere,
18:11and there's barely half that.
18:13Yeah.
18:13It's staggering.
18:14The only problem I have with this,
18:16you just have to look at it.
18:17There's another angle we've got here.
18:19Look at that.
18:20You know that car is going to be
18:22all about aerodynamics
18:23and particularly downforce.
18:25And I hate downforce.
18:27What?
18:27What do you mean you hate downforce?
18:29Because they tell you
18:30that you can go around
18:31a 90-degree bend
18:32at 100 miles an hour
18:33because of the weight of the air
18:34pressing down on the body.
18:36It's like having an invisible elephant.
18:39What if the elephant falls off?
18:42It's not a real elephant.
18:43It can't fall off.
18:44You can't see.
18:45How can you trust something
18:46you don't see?
18:46Wait, wait.
18:47No, I'm with him
18:48because what if you drove
18:49through a sudden vacuum?
18:51Well, that's not going to happen either,
18:52is it?
18:52It's not a real elephant.
18:53Hammond, listen.
18:54There has to be a speed
18:55in a car with active downforce
18:57like that one
18:57where you go around a corner
18:59too fast for the tyres,
19:00too fast for the mechanical grip,
19:02but not fast enough
19:03for the downforce to be working.
19:05So you'd have to say to the police,
19:07I crashed because I wasn't going fast enough.
19:10It's true.
19:11Potentially.
19:11Well, there's another point, actually,
19:12because the handling is going to depend
19:14on the weather, isn't it?
19:15Because if it's a really hot day,
19:17the air will be thinner.
19:18No, thicker.
19:19No, it's thinner on a hot day.
19:20That's why a helicopter can't...
19:21You see, I'd be messed up already
19:22because I'd have the wrong...
19:23Well, I'm sorry, but that's the point.
19:24So you've got a really hot day
19:25and you don't really want to be driving a car
19:26where whether or not you get around the corner
19:28depends on whether or not the sun's out.
19:30So you now want weather forecasts
19:32to include cornering speeds?
19:33It's not just weather.
19:35Altitude.
19:36You could drive that car around a corner
19:38at 100 miles an hour in Holland,
19:39sea level,
19:40but while we hit 6,000 feet up here,
19:436,000 feet up here,
19:44you'd barely be able to get around
19:45at 3 miles an hour.
19:46You'd crash it into a tree.
19:47Or a visible elephant.
19:49They are real.
19:50That's what would happen.
19:51Exactly.
19:52I just...
19:53Honestly, downforce...
19:54I don't like...
19:55I'm into trust something you can't see.
19:57It's like North Korea.
20:00Or the contraceptive pill.
20:05What's an overshare?
20:07Okay.
20:07There's actually another hypercar
20:09I want to draw your attention to.
20:10Ahem.
20:11Replacement for the Veyron.
20:13That is the Bugatti Chiron.
20:15It's got a quad-turbo 8-litre W16 engine,
20:19which every minute inhales
20:2013,000 gallons of air.
20:23Imagine.
20:24It's unbelievable.
20:251,500 horsepower,
20:27and the top speed is limited
20:28to 261 miles an hour.
20:31Yeah, they do say it would do 288,
20:34but that would be irresponsible on the road.
20:37It's got diamonds in the speakers
20:39for better sound quality.
20:40Of course it has, yeah.
20:41Oh, good.
20:41You'll like this.
20:42At top speed,
20:43the force on each tire
20:44is 3,800 G.
20:47A man dies at 9 G.
20:50If you drive the Chiron flat out,
20:51it'll drain its tank
20:53in nine minutes.
20:54Hang on a minute.
20:59261 miles an hour at 9 minutes,
21:00that means you'd have to fill up
21:01for fuel every 39 miles.
21:04Yeah.
21:04Well, actually, slightly less,
21:05because you can't drive until you run out.
21:06You'd have to start looking
21:07for a petrol station.
21:07Yes, James,
21:08it really isn't a practical car.
21:11Can I give you the most amazing stat, though?
21:13It's not about the car itself.
21:14It's about the people
21:15who are buying them, OK?
21:16They've got 200 orders so far,
21:17and the average person
21:19who's ordered one
21:19already has 64 cars,
21:23three helicopters,
21:24three jets,
21:25and one yacht.
21:27Zuma.
21:32That was good.
21:34He's already got one of them.
21:37Didn't say that.
21:38Didn't say that.
21:40Should we move it on?
21:41In South Africa,
21:42OK, there are 35 carjackings
21:44every day.
21:47Every day?
21:47Every day.
21:48I've got to say,
21:50well done,
21:50that's an amazing finger.
21:52I can't believe you.
21:53That's just,
21:53how have you got time
21:54to come here?
21:55Because you've got stuff to do.
21:57Well, no,
21:57they've all come here
21:59in someone else's car.
21:59Oh, so you've already done it.
22:01I got it.
22:01Well, what they don't realise
22:02is they're all walking home.
22:03OK.
22:04But anyway,
22:04I've done a bit of research.
22:06The most commonly jacked cars,
22:08carjacked cars,
22:10are the VW Polo,
22:12the Toyota Hi-Ace,
22:13and the Toyota Hilux.
22:14But those are all
22:14the best-selling cars
22:15in South Africa.
22:16Exactly.
22:16The VW Polo
22:17is the best-selling car
22:18in South Africa.
22:18So why would you buy a car
22:20which increases your chance
22:21of being shot in the head
22:22and your car being stolen?
22:23Why wouldn't you all
22:24just buy a car
22:25that nobody would want to steal?
22:28Yeah, no,
22:28because if I lived here,
22:29I'd get something,
22:29well, not one of those,
22:30I'd get something
22:30like a beige Volvo estate.
22:32That's just a car you want.
22:34You're using it
22:35as an excuse
22:36to get your dream car.
22:39Look, Hammond,
22:40I've explained it to you before.
22:42Having a Volvo,
22:43a Volvo estate,
22:43is a bit like
22:44needing to go to the dentist.
22:45It's going to happen.
22:46You've got to get it over.
22:47Just do it.
22:48Well, I don't want
22:49to just get it over with.
22:50That's like going to the dentist
22:51and saying,
22:52take all my teeth out
22:53because they're going to fall out.
22:54Look at that barber's.
22:54Oh, just pull it all out.
22:55It's going to fall out.
22:57Look at the doctor.
22:57Can you just stop me
22:58being able to retain my urine?
23:00It's going to happen to.
23:01I'm going to bury myself
23:02and get it all over with.
23:04He has got a point.
23:06Seriously,
23:06let's enjoy it
23:07before we have to have the Volvo.
23:09Exactly.
23:09But why do you all buy cars
23:11that you're going
23:11to get carjacked in?
23:13Has anyone got
23:13a Volkswagen Polo here?
23:15Well, how do you know?
23:16That's what you think.
23:17Did you buy that for yourself?
23:19My dad bought it.
23:20Your dad bought you a Volkswagen?
23:22Wow!
23:23Oh, nice gift.
23:24What sort of madness is this?
23:25Terrible.
23:26Has anyone got
23:27a Toyota Hilux?
23:28Yeah, this is insanity.
23:31Is it yours?
23:34What did you start out
23:35with this morning?
23:37It's unbelievable.
23:38Anyway, listen,
23:39we've got to move it on.
23:41Because here in South Africa,
23:42people have a very interesting
23:43approach to preventing car theft.
23:45I've got a picture here
23:46of one man's solution.
23:47Yeah, that's a Python.
23:49Yes, now there's no question
23:50it's going to work.
23:51I would not steal a car
23:52that had that on the dashboard.
23:54However, a Python's not
23:56like a burglar alarm.
23:57You can't turn it off.
23:58No.
23:58When you come back to your car,
23:59how do you say to the snake,
24:01it's my car, don't strangle me?
24:03You can't.
24:04I'm pretty sure you can't
24:05train a Python, can you?
24:06No, you can't.
24:07That's why you never see
24:07sheep snakes or guide snakes
24:09for the blind.
24:11Never happen.
24:12I have to say, though,
24:13I have to say,
24:14in England,
24:15we've got an even more
24:16stupid solution, okay?
24:17This chap's come up
24:17with an idea called
24:18Bike Mine.
24:20I've got a video of him here
24:21explaining how it works.
24:23It can be attached quickly
24:24to protect almost
24:25any personal possession
24:26you store outside
24:27or in a garage or shed.
24:29Its robust steel construction
24:31is covered in a rubber skin
24:32to protect your property.
24:34Bike Mine is safe
24:35because the detonators
24:36are self-contained
24:37and it's legal
24:38to own and use.
24:40Bike Mine is reliable
24:41because there are no
24:42batteries to run down
24:43and only one moving cart.
24:51Seriously?
24:51That's not going to work.
24:53What I can't understand
24:54is you said it could
24:55also be used to protect
24:57any other personal property
24:58you may have.
24:59What, like a Ming vase?
25:01Are you worried
25:03about your child
25:03being kidnapped?
25:04Simply hang this bomb
25:06around their neck.
25:08So, moving on.
25:09To Jordan, weirdly.
25:10where the government
25:12has just built
25:13a mock town
25:13so that special forces
25:15from all over the world
25:16can turn up
25:17and have a competition
25:18to see which one
25:20is best.
25:21Yes, and this year
25:22Mr. Willman,
25:23who is the fat man
25:24who controls our lives,
25:26decided that us three
25:27should go and take part.
25:28Now, obviously,
25:29there'd be a lot of shooting
25:30and running about
25:31and doing somersaults.
25:32None of which
25:33would we be any good at.
25:34No, but
25:35the SAS,
25:36the world's first
25:37special forces unit,
25:38was created
25:39to be fast,
25:40to get into the battle
25:41quickly and then
25:42get out again.
25:42So, there would also be
25:43a lot of high-speed driving.
25:46Um...
25:46Yes, I know,
25:47that is a bit of a problem.
25:48We'll gloss over that.
25:49Anyway,
25:50we were sent out there
25:51and this
25:52is what happened.
26:10This is it.
26:11The special forces training base
26:13deep inside a man.
26:16The city, obviously,
26:17not...
26:17not anyway arriving now
26:19to demonstrate
26:20what we'd have to do later,
26:22a squad of special forces soldiers.
26:25They exfoliated
26:27from a Blackhawk helicopter
26:28on ropes
26:29and then fought their way
26:31through a terrorist-infested building.
26:39Their next task
26:40was to steal a car,
26:42which they used
26:43to reach a hijacked airliner.
26:47Here, they stormed the cabin,
26:49killed the bad guys
26:51and rescued a VIP.
26:58There was then
26:59a high-speed car chase
27:00and a running gun battle
27:02as they escorted
27:03the rescued hostage
27:04to the safety
27:05of a nearby embassy.
27:06That was quite impressive.
27:15Well, it's not like
27:16they were using real bullets.
27:17Yes, they were.
27:18They were not.
27:19They were.
27:20Are you saying
27:21that on this,
27:22let's be honest,
27:23training ground,
27:25people are allowed
27:25to run around
27:26with real bullets
27:27in these guns?
27:28Yes.
27:28Rubbish.
27:29And there you are.
27:34Real bullets.
27:36No, I managed
27:37to shoot myself.
27:38Oh, yeah?
27:39How did you do that?
27:40Well, because
27:41I'm in the assault rifle.
27:43Look, the bullets
27:43come out this side
27:44and I'm a left-handed shot,
27:45so they just go up my arm,
27:46the casing, sir.
27:48You're going to be
27:48rubbish at this.
27:50Well, I'm not going
27:50to be able to use
27:51an assault rifle.
27:52I'm not going to be able
27:53to storm their airline.
27:54I'm not going to be able
27:55to get out of the helicopter.
27:59Fearing that things
28:00may not go well,
28:01we were told
28:02to go and get ready.
28:04And even that
28:05was fraught with difficulty.
28:10Why are you wearing white?
28:12Snow camouflage.
28:14It has never,
28:15ever snowed in Jordan.
28:17I didn't know
28:18where Jordan was.
28:20You're going to be
28:20quite visible.
28:21At this point,
28:24we receive details
28:25of our mission
28:26from our boss,
28:27Mr. Willman.
28:28Each time one of you
28:30is killed,
28:31you all have to
28:32begin again.
28:34So it's like
28:35that Tom Cruise movie.
28:37Um, cocktail.
28:38No, not cocktail.
28:40All rain, man.
28:41This is going
28:41to take forever.
28:51Nevertheless,
28:52we were soon
28:53in the helicopter
28:54on our way
28:55to the start
28:56of this important
28:57rescue mission.
29:00Let's just get this
29:01straight.
29:02When we get over
29:03the building,
29:04we leap out of the door
29:05and grab the rope
29:07to slide down it.
29:08Pretty much, yeah,
29:09that's it.
29:09That's how it goes.
29:10You can be leader.
29:12Get out there,
29:13show us how it's done,
29:15we will follow.
29:16I don't want to.
29:17I've never climbed
29:18a rope or gone down
29:19one in my life
29:20before ever.
29:21What a time.
29:21Get on with it.
29:22Why don't you go first?
29:23Um, I can't do that.
29:25I'm scared of heights.
29:26Lead by example.
29:28Be an inspiration
29:29to your men.
29:30Yeah, exactly.
29:32How high will it be?
29:3430 feet?
29:35Yeah.
29:36You'll be fine.
29:37What happens
29:38if you fell 30 feet?
29:40Would you be going
29:40home with a head wand?
29:42You'd be going home
29:42in this helicopter
29:43but not in that seat.
29:44You'd be in a bucket
29:45in the corner.
29:47Okay, here it comes.
29:57Let's do this!
30:04Whoa!
30:05Jesus Christ, stop!
30:07Oh, shit.
30:09I'm very scared.
30:10Wait, that's not the attitude.
30:12Go on, then.
30:13I don't like it.
30:14Go down the road!
30:15I don't want to do it.
30:16Loosen your hands a bit.
30:17I don't want to.
30:17Do you want me to tickle you?
30:19You're going?
30:20No, no.
30:20Well, go on, then.
30:28I'm hurt.
30:28Yeah?
30:29My trousers have fallen down.
30:33Ladies and gentlemen,
30:34Chuck Norris.
30:37Look, I'm down now.
30:38Oh, yes.
30:39Have you ever been in your home life?
30:45Have you seen anything?
30:46I know I made that rope thing look a bit difficult, but actually, it's surprisingly easy.
30:59So, why don't you go first?
31:00Why don't you go first?
31:02I've got a better idea.
31:03What?
31:04Why don't you just land the helicopter?
31:06That is a good idea.
31:07Helicopters can land.
31:09You open the door, and I'll throw this stun grenade in.
31:32I've got a better idea in three.
31:33No, wait.
31:33Wait, wait, wait.
31:34What?
31:34I don't know how it works.
31:36Oh, for God's sake.
31:38Hold your voice.
31:39Yes, sir.
31:40Three devices.
31:41Right.
31:42You ready?
31:42Hang on.
31:43No!
31:44Come on!
31:52He said it was a stun grenade.
31:54I meant smoke.
31:56I can't see a thing.
31:58Literally nothing.
32:00When the smoke finally cleared, we started our sweep.
32:06Shoot.
32:06Right.
32:07Right.
32:09Right.
32:14Dog.
32:18Dog.
32:19No!
32:20It means door.
32:22There's a door.
32:23There's a door.
32:25It's not a bloody football, is it?
32:27Good kids.
32:28You put your foot flat.
32:29That's how they're, like the...
32:31That's how you do it.
32:34There's empty.
32:35It's empty.
32:42There's nobody there.
32:43Soon, though, they were there.
32:57We are trapped in this room.
32:59Well, why don't we just go out of the window?
33:02We could go out of the window.
33:03Yeah, we could do that.
33:05Cover us.
33:06Yeah, I'll cover you.
33:09As Jeremy laid down covering fire...
33:11May and I climbed out of the window, but then, there was a problem.
33:22I'm stuck.
33:23Well, push!
33:25Ooh.
33:28What?
33:29The terrorists are in the room.
33:31How do you know?
33:33They're doing things to me.
33:35Ooh.
33:36This is very uncomfortable.
33:43It's probably because you're so tense.
33:44Oh.
33:45James.
33:46What?
33:47Kill me.
33:48Shoot me.
33:50Gladly.
33:51God, please hurry up.
33:53Fully automatic.
33:54Uh...
33:55Get on with it!
33:56God, give him the lock.
33:57In 10, 9...
33:58No, James, not 10!
33:59All right, in 3, 2, 1!
34:07How did you miss?
34:08Well, it's true what they say about machine guns, isn't it?
34:11You can't hit a thing with it.
34:12Please!
34:12What?
34:13Just kill me!
34:14We're trying!
34:15It's not that easy!
34:16Hang on, I'm out!
34:17There's a shovel, hit me with that!
34:19Right!
34:20Do you want to say anything?
34:21Yes, final words to me.
34:22I hate you!
34:23Do you know, I've dreamt about exactly this.
34:25Hurry up!
34:26Incoming!
34:27We are trapped in this room.
34:36Well, why don't we just go out of the window?
34:37Do you mind if I go through the door?
34:42This is better.
34:48Heroically, we fought off all the attackers outside the building.
34:53But then we were pinned down by a sniper.
34:57James, James!
35:02What?
35:03Go down there and steal that Renault.
35:06Why?
35:07Because this is a car show.
35:09We need a motoring element.
35:10Good point.
35:11Go!
35:13Can you think of anybody on God's green earth
35:16less able to do this kind of thing than him?
35:20I mean, he can play the harpsichord, but that's not a skill we're going to need today.
35:27And he's been shot.
35:31James!
35:32What?
35:33Go and steal that Renault over there.
35:35Why?
35:35Because this is a car show.
35:37We need a motoring element.
35:38Good point.
35:39Good point.
35:40Can you think of anybody on God's green earth
35:44who's less able to do this sort of thing than him?
35:48Can you think of anybody on God's green earth?
35:52Can you think of anybody?
35:56Can you think of...
35:57James, you can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again.
36:02Now you'll miss eventually.
36:04Oh, God.
36:06Oh, for God's sake.
36:08There it is.
36:09Because Corporal Stubborn wouldn't budge from his tactic,
36:13Richard and I decided that on our next attempt,
36:16we'd go into battle with some new equipment.
36:21Go and steal that Renault.
36:33Go and steal that Renault over there.
36:54Ah, ah, what are you?
36:59Ah, fuck.
37:00James, go and steal that Renault over there.
37:07No.
37:07What do you mean, no?
37:08There's a garage over there.
37:10It'll have some vehicles in it.
37:12Oh, yeah.
37:16Now we're in a car show.
37:19Right, Jeremy, you go sort that sniper.
37:21Yes.
37:21We'll get these done.
37:22Good plan.
37:24Right, there's no keys.
37:26I'll hotwire it.
37:27Oh, there he is.
37:32Say hello to my little friend.
37:40Yes!
37:40What a shot!
37:43We'll never be able to do that again.
37:45Jeremy!
37:46What?
37:47James has electrocuted himself.
37:50Oh, what a f...
37:51Say hello to my little friend.
37:56Right, there are no keys.
37:58I'll hotwire it.
37:59Have you not seen every single movie ever made?
38:02There's no way to put a gun.
38:16That is a bad mark for Audi.
38:21Sport.
38:22Drive.
38:23Traction control off.
38:25Here we go!
38:26There we go!
38:42There it is.
38:45Unbelievable.
38:46It's fighting for it.
38:48Jeremy, guys, what?
38:50Why did your trousers fall down?
38:53Because there were so many grenades attached to them,
38:55and in the downdraft of the helicopter,
38:58I was very brave doing that. I was.
39:00I'm sure I saw him crying.
39:02They were tears of bravery.
39:04Oh, that well-known expression.
39:05Yeah, they were.
39:05Tears of bravery.
39:06Yeah, tears of bravery.
39:07Anyway, look, there's a bit of a trend in South Africa
39:09for making your own car,
39:10and I'm talking about actually making a car from scratch,
39:12from bits, all by yourself.
39:13And you've got an example here.
39:15This man's built this one,
39:16based around the engine in a few bits from a BMW 318R.
39:19And I've got to say, I think that's pretty cool.
39:22It is. It is. There are lots of these.
39:24I prefer this one,
39:25which has also got a BMW engine, a V8.
39:27But look, the bodywork is made of denim.
39:30Man of exquisite taste.
39:32Yeah. Yeah.
39:33Anyway, I think the best of them all is so good,
39:35we've actually brought it into the studio.
39:37Look, stand here.
39:38It's unbelievable, this.
39:39It's a replica of a Mercedes C9.
39:42Now, that, Hammond, was the car
39:44that won the 24-hour Le Mans race in 1989.
39:48And it's so amazing,
39:50I've actually brought out the man who built it.
39:52Ladies and gentlemen, give him a warm hand.
39:53Johan Alkoban!
39:55Thank you so much for coming.
39:58This is...
39:59Can I just ask...
40:01Can I just ask, Johan,
40:04how did you get the styling to work?
40:07Well, Jeremy, there was no drawings on the internet,
40:10so I got a book on the dimensions,
40:12but the closest I could get was a 132-scale model.
40:16Hang on, so you measured your toy car...
40:18Yes.
40:19...multiplied it by 32...
40:20Yes.
40:20...and built a full-size one?
40:22Yep.
40:22That's how you did it?
40:23And is it road legal?
40:25Fully road legal.
40:25So this is a wheel car?
40:26It's all the numbers, everything, yeah.
40:27How long did you spend building this?
40:29From start to road-worthy, it was 16 months.
40:32Right.
40:33Was there or is there a marriage to have survived this?
40:36Well, I hope so.
40:39My wife is here, so it must be a good sign.
40:41Hello.
40:42Patient lady.
40:44Well, it's a remarkable achievement,
40:46and well done, ladies and gentlemen.
40:47Jan Ackerman, thank you.
40:49That's brilliant.
40:51Now...
40:51Brilliant.
40:55We're moving on to a great idea
40:58that Richard Hammond and I have had all by our own.
41:01And it is brilliant.
41:02It is.
41:03It's called
41:04Making James May Do Something He Doesn't Want To Do.
41:08And we kick off with spinning.
41:11It's a South African thing.
41:12Fairly simple.
41:12You get an elderly rear-wheel drive car,
41:15take it to a car park where you do donuts in it
41:17to a backdrop of strong rap music.
41:21It's lively, it's interesting, and it's youthful.
41:24It's everything.
41:25He isn't.
41:26Yeah.
41:27Yeah.
41:27Yeah.
41:34Well, here we are then at one of Joburg's top spinning destinations,
41:49the aptly named Wheels and Smoke Arena.
41:52And the object of the exercise, as far as I can make out,
41:56is to create smoke.
42:02Drive random around the arena until the tyres go bang.
42:07And then what's left of the tyres,
42:09I'll put on a bonfire over there
42:11just to make sure there's absolutely nothing left of them.
42:13This is Stacey, and she's only about 17, I think.
42:28Now, the word around here and the noise from the crowd
42:30says that Stacey is actually very good at this,
42:32but how the bloody hell would I know?
42:33It's just a massive cloud of smoke.
42:37With some headlights occasionally appearing in it.
42:39To help me get into the spirit of things,
42:43the organisers suggested I should become more involved.
42:58Look at the rev case in the rev constantly, man.
43:03I don't like the smell of tyre smoke in the evening.
43:08Oi!
43:08Get back in!
43:09Get back in the car, you f***ing idiot!
43:15Help!
43:25Thank you!
43:25Has it broken?
43:39Yes.
43:40Finally.
43:41I got 20,000 miles out of the last set of rear tires on my car.
44:11That was no police.
44:33Nothing.
44:34Just go out there and do that.
44:35Why don't you try and do that in England or anywhere?
44:37Australia.
44:38Anyway, James May, was there any part of that that you enjoyed?
44:43Nope.
44:44Good.
44:45Yes, but now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash.
44:56Now, after what happened last week, our guest this week declined our offer to arrive at
45:01the studio on a hovercraft, saying she would prefer to walk.
45:05Yes, it's understandable.
45:06Yes, it is.
45:07I'm sure that despite this, you will still give her an enormous welcome, because although
45:12she's now a major Hollywood star, she was actually born here in South Africa.
45:17Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Charlize Theron!
45:19We must ask her about A Million Ways to Die in the West.
45:24I know.
45:25Oh, dude, I love that film.
45:26I do.
45:27I love that film.
45:28I love that.
45:29Well, what I really love is the way she looks in it, because of the hat and the float is
45:31scary.
45:32Can you imagine she's on a bicycle as well?
45:34Oh!
45:35Ladies and gentlemen, Charlize Theron has been attacked by a lion.
45:47Oh, no.
45:48There's literally nothing we can do.
45:49There's literally nothing we can do.
45:51Does that mean she's not coming on, then?
45:53Well, she's been eaten by a lion.
45:56Well, look, are there any other well-known South Africans in the audience, maybe?
46:01It's not very likely, James.
46:02There's only two globally famous South Africans.
46:04One's now in a lion, and the other's in prison.
46:07Well, let's get back to what we were doing.
46:10Now, earlier on, we were at a Jordanian Special Forces training base learning to be super army
46:16soldiers.
46:17And we pick up the action as we rush towards the hijacked airliner to rescue a VIP and take
46:23them to safety.
46:36Let me talk you through the plan.
46:38James and Richard will use the catering lorry as an assault vehicle.
46:43And then, after we've rescued the VIP, we'll use the Audi as a getaway car.
46:50Now, what we're doing here, very cleverly, is we're going around the back of the plane,
46:59because planes don't have rear windows or dormos, so they won't see us sneaking up.
47:05It's stealthy, you see.
47:08Right, Hammond.
47:09Yeah.
47:10Maneuvering in.
47:11Okay.
47:12Dabber brakes.
47:17Right, we are in position.
47:19James is going to lift me on this platform to the door, then we go in.
47:25Right.
47:26Are you ready?
47:27I'm ready to lower the jacks.
47:29Absolute stealthy.
47:42I think the terrorists are going to notice this assault.
47:43I think the terrorists are going to notice this assault.
47:55Which is why I shall now cause a diversion.
47:56I'm now going to make smoke and doughnut in front of the plane to distract the terrorists.
48:10Oh no, this is a disaster.
48:11Even when you turn the traction control off, it isn't fully off, so you just get miles and
48:27miles of dreary understeer.
48:28Bad knock for an Audi here.
48:29Come on!
48:30The only good thing is the terrorists will be looking out of the cockpit windows thinking,
48:34why is that Audi understeering around like that?
48:49Right!
48:50Go low!
48:51Here I come!
48:52Try havoc and let slip the dog above the steer!
48:56Chaps, I have located the VIP, and it is the Queen of England.
49:25I don't like the royal family.
49:26James, now is not the time for your Republican views.
49:31Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.
49:35We have an Audi outside.
49:36We will get you to...
49:41Why did he shoot Hammond?
49:42He's being annoying!
49:44Did you shoot May?
49:45Well, he shot me!
49:49Somehow, in our next attempt, Hammond ended up on the wing.
49:56Oh, I see.
49:57You want to do this the old-fashioned way.
49:59Okay.
50:00Let's dance.
50:01Let's dance.
50:02Oh, I see.
50:04You want to do this the old-fashioned way.
50:06Okay.
50:07Let's dance.
50:08Ah!
50:09Ah!
50:10Ah!
50:11Ah!
50:12Ah!
50:13Ah!
50:14I can't do it!
50:15Somehow, in our next attempt, Hammond ended up on the wing.
50:18We are an elite fighting force.
50:19We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:20And what do you do?
50:21I just said we are an elite fighting force.
50:23We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:25And what do you do?
50:26I just said we are an elite fighting force.
50:27We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:28And what do you do?
50:31I just said we are an elite fighting force.
50:32We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:33You'll like it.
50:34It's German.
50:35Like you are.
50:36Thank you, James.
50:37Are all the terrorists dead, Emmond?
50:38Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.
50:40We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:44And what do you do?
50:45I just said we are an elite fighting force.
50:48We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.
50:51You'll like it. It's German.
50:52Like you are.
50:53Thank you, James. Are all the terrorists dead back there?
50:56Everybody's dead back there.
50:58Good, ma'am. Okay, Your Majesty, if you'd like to follow us.
51:08What was that?
51:11He's just shot the Queen in the back of the head.
51:14Well, now what are we going to do?
51:16Oh, f***.
51:23Good. I'll have it. Thank you very much.
51:28Having finally got the Queen into the car,
51:31we were now faced with a perilous drive to the embassy.
51:35However, this did at least mean I could get back to my day job.
51:43I'll talk you through the car.
51:44This is the S8 Plus.
51:47And the Plus means it has 18 more horsepower than the standard car.
51:52That means 0 to 60 in 3.8 seconds.
51:56Top speed, 190.
51:59Very interesting.
52:00The immense power is harnessed not only by all-wheel drive,
52:08but also by ceramic brakes
52:10and an electronic differential.
52:15There's a time and a place for talking about that stuff, mate!
52:17Sitting behind a six-foot, five-inch driver
52:20means that rear legroom is rather at a premium.
52:23Having said that, however,
52:24for a high-performance saloon,
52:26the ride quality is really rather good.
52:28Will you two stop reviewing the car?
52:33Do you have an opinion, the Queen?
52:35Not now!
52:40Hold it steady. I'm going to shoot them.
52:46Shoot him in the face!
52:49Have you come, sir?
52:50What's the top speed of that thing, James, do you reckon?
53:18What, 90 miles an hour?
53:21Well, here is a top tip for Hollywood heroes.
53:25If you're being chased by a car which is slower than the car you're in,
53:30simply drive faster than it.
53:35See, that's what Nick Cage ought to have thought about, really,
53:37in The Rock,
53:38and that man in Rome who did the S8 chasing the Citroen.
53:41Stop talking about films!
53:44There's a bogey waxing our tail.
53:46Oh, God!
53:47It's going to shoot its petrol tank.
53:48James, there's no point shooting its petrol tank.
53:51Petrol only blows up in films.
54:01Well, that's not strictly accurate.
54:04Well, here in the bloody hell is the embassy.
54:06Go down here.
54:06That's just promising.
54:09There it is.
54:10There it is.
54:10There it is.
54:12Right, you get the Queen to safety.
54:14I'll cover you.
54:15Okay, I'm on it.
54:16Right, good.
54:17Go, go, go, go, go, go!
54:19Your Majesty.
54:20Really quick, Your Majesty.
54:25We've got to see you.
54:27Yeah.
54:28Yeah.
54:28Yeah.
54:28Yeah.
54:28Yeah.
54:29Yeah.
54:30Yeah.
54:30Yeah.
54:31Yeah.
54:31Yeah.
54:31Yeah.
54:32Yeah.
54:33Yeah.
54:33Yeah.
54:34Yeah.
54:35Yeah.
54:35Yeah.
54:35Yeah.
54:36Come on, Jeremy.
54:42Come on.
54:43Doing my best.
54:47With the blast.
54:49Whoa.
54:50I just keep moving.
54:54I've done it again.
54:56James, you're missing this.
54:58You cannot modernize the royalty because royalty is, at the very best, a medieval concept.
55:05We'll do that again.
55:06And the月 is in again.
55:08That's going to stink.
55:10We've still going.
55:12Keep going! Find the mines!
55:21He's still going!
55:42James, he's dead!
55:46And wait a minute! He's going again!
55:48He's moving again!
55:49Jeremy, come on, you can do it!
55:51Come on! Keep going! Come on!
55:53This is it!
55:54Hammond!
55:55There's the finish line!
55:56I'm going the right way!
55:57More or less!
55:58You can maybe roll over it!
56:00You can do it!
56:01Yes!
56:02We have done it!
56:04Oh!
56:05Oh!
56:06Oh!
56:07Oh!
56:08Oh!
56:09Oh!
56:10Oh!
56:11Oh!
56:12Have you come far?
56:24An unbelievable fighting force!
56:28We actually managed to complete that course in nine hours and 48 minutes.
56:33And that's only nine and a half hours slower than the actual soldiers.
56:38Can I just ask, how many times were you shot?
56:40What, on the run-in?
56:41On the way to the embassy?
56:42Uh...
56:43Seventeen to the torso, two to the plums neck.
56:46Wow.
56:47And you lived?
56:48Well, obviously, James.
56:49Yes.
56:50Look, I lived.
56:51Yep.
56:52And on that terrible disappointment, it is time to end.
56:54Yes, it is.
56:55Thank you so much for watching.
56:56See you somewhere next week.
56:58Goodbye.
56:59Hoo-bye!
57:01Jagdj
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