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Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May travel across the world to meet different automobile manufacturers and drive cars made by them.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:01:00Thank you, everybody.
00:01:08Thank you so much.
00:01:13Thank you, everybody.
00:01:14Thank you so much.
00:01:16This is the Grand Tour, and this week, we've come home!
00:01:22We're back.
00:01:24We're back in Britain.
00:01:25We're actually in Yorkshire, which is where all three of us grew up.
00:01:36Specifically, yep, specifically, we're in the fishing port of Whitby.
00:01:41There it is.
00:01:45Now, Whitby, of course, is famous all around the world for its unbelievable fish and chips.
00:01:51With scraps.
00:01:53What?
00:01:55Fish and chips with scraps.
00:01:56You get scraps.
00:01:57There's little bits of batter that stay in the bottom of the fryer.
00:02:00Scraps?
00:02:00Do you want scraps with that?
00:02:01Fish and chips with bits.
00:02:02No, it's scraps.
00:02:05It is bits.
00:02:08Right, hands up for bits.
00:02:10Wrong.
00:02:11Scraps.
00:02:12Yes.
00:02:12Don't argue with me.
00:02:17Because I was born in Yorkshire, every single one of my family back to the 17th century
00:02:22from Yorkshire, I'm the most Yorkshire person in the world.
00:02:25Oh, yeah.
00:02:25Do you know, it's funny, because you can't tell.
00:02:27You really wouldn't know.
00:02:29Yorkshire people are famous, aren't they, for speaking their mind.
00:02:32And with you, we never know what you're thinking.
00:02:36All right, then, what am I thinking now?
00:02:38You're thinking, you're brilliant and I'm an irritating little short ass.
00:02:42How did you know?
00:02:44Yeah, it's just...
00:02:45It's incredible.
00:02:46Yeah, psychic.
00:02:47Other things Yorkshire's famous for, cricket, that's not interesting.
00:02:51Oh, and then there was a TV show called Last of the Summer Wine,
00:02:54which is about three very badly dressed old men who fell over
00:02:59and everything they ever did went wrong.
00:03:02It was rubbish.
00:03:03Yeah, terrible.
00:03:04I don't know why that took off.
00:03:06Um, car making, well, let's put it this way,
00:03:09it's not exactly the Detroit of the British Isles.
00:03:11No, it's not.
00:03:12But there is a lot of motoring-related stuff here this week
00:03:15because we are in town.
00:03:20So, let's get on with the show.
00:03:23Yes, let's.
00:03:26We begin in Victorian times
00:03:29when James May was a little old lady.
00:03:31See, back then, gentlemen of means...
00:03:36Rich people in tweed suits.
00:03:37Yes, rich people in tweed suits would take what was known as the Grand Tour.
00:03:42They'd go off to France or Italy
00:03:44and they'd spend a few months learning about culture and wine and music.
00:03:49Nowadays, of course, everybody goes to Magaluf
00:03:51and learns about beer and vomit and chlamydia.
00:03:54Yeah, now, we think this is a real shame,
00:03:58so Jeremy and I went off to Italy
00:04:00to do our own modern take on the Grand Tour,
00:04:03a wonderful, inspirational journey
00:04:06that not only gave its name to this show,
00:04:08but also to 1,000 GT cars,
00:04:11Grand Tourers.
00:04:12Our start point was the Tuscan hilltop city of Siena.
00:04:25Home to the most exciting horse race in the world,
00:04:29the Palio.
00:04:30It was the beginning of what would be a very fabulous
00:04:47and very cultured journey.
00:04:51We'd visit the magnificent cities of Florence and Bologna and Verona
00:04:56on our way to the finishing point
00:04:58in the most magnificent city of them all,
00:05:02Venice.
00:05:03The cars we'd be driving were fabulous, too.
00:05:07James had chosen the Rolls-Royce Dawn,
00:05:10a new two-door drophead version of the Ghost.
00:05:15And I'd be in the DB11,
00:05:17the latest in a long line of elegant and beautiful
00:05:21Aston Martin Grand Tourers.
00:05:23Even its door mirrors are beautiful.
00:05:28Its wheels are beautiful.
00:05:29This is...
00:05:30This is one of the most beautiful cars I've ever seen.
00:05:35Shame it's brown.
00:05:36It isn't brown.
00:05:38Yes, it is.
00:05:38It isn't brown.
00:05:39It's sunset orange.
00:05:41It's not brown in the way that my car is green.
00:05:43It's brown.
00:05:45Your car is a convertible BMW 7 Series.
00:05:48No, it isn't.
00:05:48But is it a 7 Series underneath?
00:05:51Well, the bits of the floor pan are.
00:05:52There you go.
00:05:53£265,000 for a convertible 7 Series.
00:05:56It isn't.
00:05:57If you're going to drive across Italy,
00:05:58which we're going to do,
00:05:59taking in some culture,
00:06:01that's what you need.
00:06:02A brown car?
00:06:03It isn't brown.
00:06:04It's brown.
00:06:05Look, let's not bicker.
00:06:08Actually, on this occasion,
00:06:09let's get on.
00:06:11We're both going to drive across
00:06:13what is, I think, our favourite country
00:06:14in the world,
00:06:16enjoy some culture,
00:06:17enjoy some fine wine,
00:06:19some food,
00:06:19some art.
00:06:23How old is that?
00:06:28Sorry I'm late.
00:06:30Well, we didn't know you were coming.
00:06:32We rather hoped you were.
00:06:33Well, I am.
00:06:33And look at the car I brought.
00:06:35Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat.
00:06:39707 American horsepower
00:06:41and enough torque to
00:06:42pull that old building down.
00:06:44Just that old building is a...
00:06:46Oh, never mind.
00:06:47Hammond,
00:06:48Tuscany,
00:06:49not really the home of the muscle car.
00:06:52Yeah, you see,
00:06:52I was worried you two
00:06:53were going to be all boring and serious.
00:06:55And I am here to make sure
00:06:57this trip is fun
00:06:58because don't tell me
00:06:59the original Grand Tour wasn't fun.
00:07:00It was like an 18th century
00:07:01cannonball run,
00:07:03only with old-fashioned morphine
00:07:04instead of cocaine.
00:07:05This is going to be brilliant.
00:07:07What's with your advertising?
00:07:08Well, because the Americans
00:07:09used to do the Grand Tour
00:07:10and they used to get sponsors
00:07:12to help cover the cost.
00:07:13So I've got myself
00:07:14some sponsorships.
00:07:15What, bobbies?
00:07:15What is a grit?
00:07:16That's a...
00:07:17Isn't it a bit left over
00:07:18after coffee or potatoes?
00:07:20I don't know.
00:07:20It's there.
00:07:22Rodeo Lubentune.
00:07:24Lubentune.
00:07:24Yep.
00:07:25Look at that.
00:07:26The thing is,
00:07:27people will look at me in that
00:07:28and know I am on a Grand Tour.
00:07:30You, they'll just say,
00:07:30what are these two old farts doing?
00:07:32Seriously.
00:07:33You have made no effort.
00:07:34You haven't got into the mood for this.
00:07:36Art, music, culture, refinement.
00:07:40Yes.
00:07:40Is this something to do...
00:07:41Is this something to do with you?
00:07:43Yes.
00:07:43Yes, they're here.
00:07:44These are my spare tires.
00:07:46Because on a trip like this,
00:07:49in a car with that much power
00:07:50and that much torque,
00:07:51I'm going to get through some tires.
00:07:53True.
00:07:53Yeah.
00:07:57That lot was not going to fit
00:07:59in the boot or trunk, was it?
00:08:02That is luxury.
00:08:03That is Grand Tour.
00:08:04Reluctantly, we agreed to let our vulgar colleague tag along.
00:08:08Home.
00:08:30Hamming, you're deliberately making an irritating noise.
00:08:33Please, please, stop it.
00:08:35I am, yeah.
00:08:39I will freely admit that Hammond's Dodge Hellcat is a remarkable car.
00:08:47It'd be perfect if we were at a tractor pull in Milwaukee.
00:08:52But we're not.
00:08:54We're here.
00:08:55And here, in Tuscany, you need one of these.
00:09:03This is the all-new replacement for the DB9,
00:09:17and it is the perfect car for the job.
00:09:21It even comes with three running modes.
00:09:25You've got Sport, Sport Plus, and the one I'm going to use.
00:09:29GT, Grand Touring.
00:09:35Up front, there's a 5.2-litre twin-turbo-charged V12,
00:09:41which produces 600 horsepower.
00:09:44And they are smooth horsepower.
00:09:48Queeny horsepower.
00:09:50In the fullness of time, you'll be able to buy a cheaper version of this car with an AMG V8.
00:10:01It's all part of a deal that Aston have done with Mercedes.
00:10:04And you can see evidence of the deal already.
00:10:06This has got Mercedes switchgear, Mercedes electronics,
00:10:09even got Mercedes sat-nav.
00:10:11And I've got to say, Aston, Martin and Mercedes,
00:10:16that is the best Anglo-German marriage since Queen Victoria married Albert.
00:10:24James, though, disagreed.
00:10:27Actually, this is the best Anglo-German marriage.
00:10:30It's perfect, in fact, because it has all the things that we like to think of as being Britishness in a car,
00:10:40the sense that it was made by men in aprons,
00:10:43that there are craft skills and traditional materials involved.
00:10:47But then you've got the Germans there with their high-tech and their manufacturing efficiency.
00:10:53It's absolutely wonderful.
00:10:55It's very serene.
00:11:00There are a lot of numbers I could quote on this car.
00:11:03You know, the usual top speed, power, 0 to 60, all that sort of irrelevant rubbish.
00:11:07But I'm not going to, because that would be, frankly, uncouth.
00:11:13Oh, talking of uncouth...
00:11:18I'll admit, this is not a quiet car.
00:11:25You've got that big, bass, rumble and roar from the 6.2-litre V8 Heavy.
00:11:33And over the top, that shrill, manic whine of the supercharger.
00:11:37Neither is it a particularly economical one.
00:11:41At full chat, it'll chew through its 18.5-gallon fuel tank in just 13 minutes.
00:11:48And in fact, it needs so much air to mix with all that petrol it's drinking,
00:11:54they had to remove one of the headlights and replace it with the ram air intake to feed air to the engine.
00:12:00So they swapped its eye for a nostril.
00:12:03The upside of all this, however, is that it's extremely fast.
00:12:13It'll be the standing quarter faster than a Porsche 911 GT3, but it costs, what, 50,000?
00:12:19You could have five of these for one of James May's Rolls-Royces.
00:12:24Oh, I know. This looks like a tunnel opportunity.
00:12:26That is a genuinely horrible noise that Hammond's car is making.
00:12:38And he just keeps doing it.
00:12:40He keeps stamping one pedal, then stamping the other one in his binary style.
00:12:50Sadly, the engine noise wasn't the only irritation.
00:12:53Is this just going to be a tour of Italy's petrol stations?
00:12:59Well, it depends how far apart they are, doesn't it, really?
00:13:01Look at it this way. Think of the snacking opportunities.
00:13:04You come to Italy for food.
00:13:06Yeah, but not crisps.
00:13:07No, not crisps and hideous sausages from America.
00:13:10You don't know what you're going to find.
00:13:11It'll be different in different petrol stations.
00:13:13Well, are there any Renaissance petrol stations we could visit?
00:13:16No, not.
00:13:16Are there any Renaissance sausage rolls in there?
00:13:18Oh, for God's sake.
00:13:19Having filled up his car and himself, we were back on the road.
00:13:27A quick situation update.
00:13:30I'm driving through sunny Italy.
00:13:32Shut up!
00:13:34Bad news, James.
00:13:35I'm afraid there's a tunnel coming up.
00:13:38Are you ready? Are you ready?
00:13:39Don't do it, Hammond.
00:13:39Just relax. Enjoy a bit of quiet.
00:13:41Don't do it, Hammond.
00:13:42You are going to love that.
00:13:50Soon, we arrived in the Renaissance city of Florence,
00:13:56a traditional stopping point on the grand tour of old.
00:14:01Architecture.
00:14:03Opera de Frenzi.
00:14:04This is what we're here for.
00:14:07This is why we're here.
00:14:09Best of all, though, James and I had managed to lose Hammond.
00:14:16He really is offending you, isn't he, with his dodge?
00:14:19Honestly, I wouldn't say this lightly,
00:14:21but I have developed a genuine, deep, deep, heartfelt hatred for that thing.
00:14:27I can tell.
00:14:28You're going to go like Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther films soon.
00:14:32No, you're not wrong.
00:14:33I've developed a twitch.
00:14:34When he comes near me, I'm waiting for that stupid noise it makes.
00:14:37My eye starts quivering.
00:14:38It's like somebody constantly being sick on you
00:14:41while you're trying to read a nice book.
00:14:45As we were on our own,
00:14:48Jeremy and I decided to head for the renowned Uffizi Gallery,
00:14:52where we would enjoy a bit of peace and quiet
00:14:55as we appreciated its treasures.
00:14:57Who's hungry?
00:15:12Because it's doughnut time!
00:15:14Yeah!
00:15:17You get that one?
00:15:19Do you want sprinkles on that?
00:15:21Party on the hill in wherever we are.
00:15:23Italy!
00:15:24Yeah-haw!
00:15:27Finally, bringing some life into this place!
00:15:34After Hammond had fitted some new tyres,
00:15:39James and I abandoned our visit to the Uffizi
00:15:42and escorted him out of town.
00:15:46Hammond, we could see the smoke from your tyres from the other side of the city.
00:15:50I know!
00:15:52Nobody in history has ever, ever doughnutted an Aston Martin.
00:15:59Yeah, they're not young buyers, are they?
00:16:01No, they're refined and cultured.
00:16:06I envy you, Hammond, because you get to look at my Aston Martin.
00:16:10Yeah, but there's a big problem with it visually.
00:16:12What?
00:16:14It's brown!
00:16:16Sunburst orange is what it is.
00:16:20Jeremy, I shouldn't worry.
00:16:21We all know the expression.
00:16:23Brown sky at night, shepherd's delight.
00:16:26That bloat's been done for that theft, you know.
00:16:29They got him brown-handed.
00:16:30I'm starting to imagine what Richard Hammond would look like without a head.
00:16:35Or skin.
00:16:36Once Hammond had finished rubbishing the Aston's colour,
00:16:40he started to challenge its performance.
00:16:46Hammond is driving along behind me now.
00:16:48Mikey wants to get past.
00:16:52Stupid boy.
00:16:54What is the top speed of that car of yours?
00:16:59199 miles an hour.
00:17:02Exactly.
00:17:02This will do 200, so back off.
00:17:06Well, yes, but it's a hundred grand more.
00:17:09That's a very expensive mile an hour.
00:17:12Rather than get into a pointless war of words,
00:17:16I decided to put Hammond in his place
00:17:18and invited him to pull over here,
00:17:22at the Mugello racetrack.
00:17:28Why have you brought me to this not-at-all cultural place?
00:17:32Because I want to teach him a lesson about what real speed is.
00:17:36Well, he's got over 700 horsepower.
00:17:38Yes, I know.
00:17:39But you remember Jaws, big metal teeth, huge man?
00:17:42James Bond simply threw him through a window,
00:17:44and that's what I'm going to do to him.
00:17:46Do you mind if I don't take part in this?
00:17:49I'll do it.
00:17:50So, as Hammond had some new tyres fitted again,
00:17:59I took to the track for some sighting lamps.
00:18:01Now, let's get one thing straight from the start.
00:18:09Aston Martins are not really designed to do track work.
00:18:15They're designed to look good, and that's it.
00:18:18Yes, the chassis on this, the DB11,
00:18:22was developed by a former Lotus engineer,
00:18:25but they actually told him to tune it more for comfort than handling.
00:18:30That being said, this has an aluminium chassis and some aero trickery.
00:18:40Air is sucked into holes behind the rear windows
00:18:43and then shot out of a vent on the boot lid,
00:18:48giving me a sort of air rear wing.
00:18:52Giving me grip.
00:18:54A lot of grip.
00:18:56And the traction control is simply astonishing.
00:19:01In most cars, it's like somebody hitting you on the head with a hammer,
00:19:04but in this, it's just going,
00:19:06um, hang on, hang on, hang on.
00:19:08There you go.
00:19:11And he held fire. This is very, very good.
00:19:16Certainly, it's good enough to be able to totally destroy
00:19:20Hammond's idiotic Dodge.
00:19:26And this does not have a magnesium roof, carbon fibre prop shaft.
00:19:30The engine isn't made from aluminium, it's made from cast iron.
00:19:33And you get the impression that it made it from stone, if they could.
00:19:37What it does have is vast reserves of power
00:19:41and even vast reserves of character.
00:19:44This thing is just hilarious.
00:19:46Look at him and his little brown Aston being all in control
00:19:57and just not having fun, is he? I mean, what's the point?
00:20:01So boating, probably thinks,
00:20:03I can't.
00:20:05I'm sorry, Hammond.
00:20:06This is a 600-horsepower rear-wheel drive Aston Martin.
00:20:10So, I turned the traction control off
00:20:13and all hell broke loose.
00:20:15It will do this all day.
00:20:36Meanwhile...
00:20:37One of the purposes of the original Grand Tour
00:20:41wasn't just to look at things and learn about things,
00:20:44it was also to enhance your capabilities.
00:20:47You would learn to do things.
00:20:49You might do, I don't know, writing sonnets,
00:20:51playing musical instruments,
00:20:53regional cooking, maybe.
00:20:54I'm having a go at watercolour painting.
00:20:57It's absolutely delightful.
00:20:59Apart from my reverie is occasionally interrupted
00:21:01by the disgusting bellow of Hammond's muscle car.
00:21:05Now, Mr Hammond appears to have organised a helicopter
00:21:11to record the event.
00:21:14Ha-ha, Clarkson!
00:21:16Get past me now!
00:21:18I smoke screened you!
00:21:24What a moron you are, Hammond!
00:21:27Get out of my way!
00:21:32This is not a particularly cultural thing to do.
00:21:35But it is very good fun!
00:21:45Even though Hammond and I were having a big, smoky riot,
00:21:50we'd learned nothing at all.
00:21:52So, we decided to get scientific
00:21:55and do a proper, timed flying lap.
00:21:58This is for Britain, this is for Europe.
00:22:15No silly business.
00:22:16Just get round this as fast as we can.
00:22:19With the flying lap completed,
00:22:27we met to compare times.
00:22:32Go on, then.
00:22:33All right, then.
00:22:33Two.
00:22:34Yes.
00:22:35Yes.
00:22:36Eighteen seconds.
00:22:38Eighteen?
00:22:39Yes.
00:22:39Why?
00:22:39What have you got?
00:22:40What have you got?
00:22:40What are you?
00:22:41Eighteen?
00:22:43Dude, but...
00:22:44You're not making that up.
00:22:46No, two minutes, eighteen.
00:22:48Point, seven, nine.
00:22:50God for that.
00:22:52I'm a...
00:22:52It's crushing.
00:22:53Three, five.
00:22:55Well, it's hardly crushing, is it?
00:22:57No, because that's...
00:22:58That's...
00:22:58I don't know why you accepted the challenge.
00:23:00It's less than half a second
00:23:01for your extra hundred grand.
00:23:03Well, hardly a big gloat, is it?
00:23:09It's a hundred thousand pounds
00:23:10for half a second
00:23:11and one miles an hour top speed.
00:23:13Two hundred and forty years of independence
00:23:15and that's the best they can do.
00:23:18As Hannan cheered himself up
00:23:20with some doughnuts
00:23:21and then another set of tyres,
00:23:27I went to join James.
00:23:33Oh, shit.
00:23:46Did you beat him, by the way?
00:23:48Yeah.
00:23:49Good man.
00:23:53As the sun slipped
00:23:55behind the Tuscan hills,
00:23:57we spent an enjoyable hour or so
00:23:59painting.
00:24:01But then...
00:24:03What are you doing?
00:24:12I'm diffusing a bomb, Hammond.
00:24:14What do you think I'm doing?
00:24:15Yeah, I'm baking a cake.
00:24:16It looks like you've painted.
00:24:17We are painting.
00:24:19Hammond then decided
00:24:20he'd like to have a go as well.
00:24:30Right.
00:24:33Soon, our art was finished.
00:24:45I think I've rushed mine.
00:24:49Still, could be worse.
00:24:52It was difficult, before I saw this,
00:24:54to imagine anything more hideous
00:24:56than the actual car.
00:24:58But you've done it, Hammond.
00:25:00It's the way that you've managed
00:25:01to eradicate any sense of place.
00:25:04Yeah.
00:25:04Yeah.
00:25:11You're twitching.
00:25:12He's twitching.
00:25:13Even when he looks at the picture of your car,
00:25:16he's actually twitching.
00:25:18All of the work.
00:25:24All of the work that Rolls-Royce put into that dawn
00:25:27to make it quiet and refined and sublime
00:25:30and all those things you'd expect.
00:25:31It all counts for absolutely nothing
00:25:32if it's anywhere near your Dodge,
00:25:35because that's all you can hear.
00:25:37No, do you know something about that Hellcat?
00:25:39OK, I've done some research into it.
00:25:41The Hellcat is based on the old Chrysler 300C.
00:25:44Underneath, it's the same car.
00:25:46And the 300C underneath
00:25:47is a 1990s Mercedes E-Class.
00:25:51So what Dodge has done with that thing
00:25:53if they put 700 horsepower
00:25:55in a 20-year-old taxi...
00:25:57That's what it ends.
00:25:58Anyway, if you want to listen to
00:26:01two old men dribble on about music and opera,
00:26:06whilst I have fun,
00:26:07there'll be more of that later on.
00:26:09But now it's time for us to check our mirrors
00:26:12and make a smooth left into Conversation Street.
00:26:16MUSIC PLAYS
00:26:21APPLAUSE
00:26:23It is.
00:26:24APPLAUSE
00:26:25Yeah.
00:26:26APPLAUSE
00:26:27I have to say, James was very, very excited
00:26:30about coming to Whitby,
00:26:31because he'd heard
00:26:32that it's the centre of the British jet industry.
00:26:34He was very much looking forward
00:26:35to spending a couple of days
00:26:36maybe looking at old drawings of Concorde.
00:26:38But then he discovered
00:26:39that Whitby jet is actually this.
00:26:43It looks like coal.
00:26:44It is coal.
00:26:45Is it?
00:26:46Thing is, though,
00:26:47they've worked out, obviously,
00:26:48you can't burn coal any more
00:26:49because Al Gore goes nuts
00:26:50and a polar bear falls over.
00:26:51So they've polished it up
00:26:53and then say it's precious.
00:26:55That's interesting, this,
00:26:57because I've got the blurb here
00:26:58from Whitby's oldest retailer of the stuff,
00:27:01and it says,
00:27:02unlike other gemstones,
00:27:05jet is actually fossilised wood.
00:27:09Yes, because unlike other gemstones,
00:27:11it's coal.
00:27:12Yeah, but...
00:27:13LAUGHTER
00:27:14It's coal, isn't it?
00:27:15That is coal.
00:27:16Unlike other gemstones, Hammond,
00:27:17it's a lot cheaper.
00:27:18Well, yes, it would be.
00:27:19LAUGHTER
00:27:20Seriously, though,
00:27:21you can get a jet ring look for 32 quid.
00:27:23Well, you get a sack of it for 10 quid.
00:27:25It's coal!
00:27:26The thing is, though,
00:27:27no, we were thinking the other day,
00:27:29you know car makers now
00:27:30they use, like, bamboo and ash and walnut
00:27:32and carbon fibre
00:27:33to decorate bits of a car.
00:27:34Why don't they use jet, exactly?
00:27:36Anybody would like to have some jet in their car?
00:27:39Actually, we've been doing
00:27:40a little bit of experimenting, Hammond.
00:27:41I've made a prototype.
00:27:42This is a gear stick
00:27:44with a jet knob
00:27:46on the top.
00:27:48It's brilliant.
00:27:49I mean, it's not polished yet,
00:27:50but you change gear.
00:27:51It does make your hand a bit dirty.
00:27:53LAUGHTER
00:27:54But, no, that's a handy reminder.
00:27:55It is.
00:27:56Exactly.
00:27:57No, you're absolutely right
00:27:58because you know sometimes
00:27:59you drive an unfamiliar car,
00:28:00you're on the motorway,
00:28:01and you think,
00:28:02oh, did I change into sixth?
00:28:03Yeah, I did.
00:28:04LAUGHTER
00:28:05Here's some conversation.
00:28:06Oh, good.
00:28:07For Conversation Street.
00:28:08Um, bad news.
00:28:09There is a problem right now in this country.
00:28:11Not enough people are learning to drive.
00:28:14Seriously, in 2007,
00:28:16just over 16,000 driving tests were conducted.
00:28:20Last year, that had dropped to 4,650.
00:28:23That is a true fact.
00:28:24In less than ten years,
00:28:2516,000 down to 4,000.
00:28:27That's a big issue.
00:28:28And I know why.
00:28:29It's because kids leave school these days.
00:28:30They've no idea who Hitler was.
00:28:32They can't add up.
00:28:33They just know cars are bad.
00:28:34That's all they know.
00:28:35Cars are bad.
00:28:36Cars are bad.
00:28:37Cars are bad.
00:28:38And then when they do get out of school
00:28:39after work, you know,
00:28:40after school's finished,
00:28:41they go around
00:28:42and you can just see speed,
00:28:43cameras and traffic jams
00:28:44and sides saying,
00:28:45please don't overtake cyclists.
00:28:46And they think,
00:28:47well, what's the point?
00:28:48There's no point learning to drive.
00:28:49I might as well just use Booba.
00:28:50Exactly.
00:28:51Now, if I were a car maker,
00:28:52I would be fighting like a Kilkenny cat
00:28:54to make sure every car I made
00:28:56was as interesting and as amazing as possible,
00:28:59but instead, what,
00:29:00Renault?
00:29:01They give us a cat jar.
00:29:02How many children,
00:29:03how many children are going to say,
00:29:05well, if I work really hard
00:29:06and get my homework done,
00:29:07one day maybe I can have a cat jar.
00:29:09Because that's the car that,
00:29:10that's the car they grow up seeing.
00:29:11Worse still, Nissan Juke.
00:29:13You really hate the Juke.
00:29:15No, I hate it.
00:29:16He does hate it.
00:29:17No, I hate.
00:29:18I object to it existing.
00:29:19It shouldn't exist.
00:29:21I loathe it.
00:29:22On the motorway,
00:29:23you see them with their stupid,
00:29:24like, double bug eyes.
00:29:26Smug little bug.
00:29:27If I see one,
00:29:28I'm mad,
00:29:29I can't help myself
00:29:30and it's cruel and I'm sorry
00:29:31if you're in one,
00:29:32but I do, I see them.
00:29:33I hate you.
00:29:34Because I was driving along with him the other day.
00:29:38I was busy telling him a story
00:29:40and he was looking out the window going,
00:29:41I hate you.
00:29:42I hate you.
00:29:43I hate them.
00:29:44What's the most boring car on sale in Britain today?
00:29:47That's the question.
00:29:48He's attracted to the Brown Astons!
00:29:50Yeah!
00:29:56Get out.
00:29:57Get out.
00:30:05Security, kill him.
00:30:08Brown Astons, my...
00:30:09I tell you what,
00:30:10if I were the boss of Volkswagen
00:30:12I'd go and find the man who did...
00:30:13man who did what's that tall golf called oh the sv sv that's it the one it's like a golf but for
00:30:20people who have stovepipe hats and i would bludgeon him with a tire iron why did you do that nobody
00:30:28wants one just to be fair i think vw have bigger concerns at the moment okay i want to talk about
00:30:33the oxford ring road i know it's miles away from here it's miles away from anybody watching but
00:30:37the thing is okay for the last two years they've been working on shrinking slightly shrinking
00:30:43two roundabouts and putting some traffic lights up now do you know how much the budget was for
00:30:48that job uh two roundabouts 10 grand a roundabout i'd say 20 grand overall nine million pounds
00:30:55million nine million can you imagine the builder's face when he came out of that meeting
00:31:02they're gonna give me nine million quid to shrink a couple of roundabouts well that's why it's
00:31:07taken him two years he had to make it look like nine million quid this is not a word of a lie nine
00:31:14million pounds to buy you a 30 000 square foot house okay like this that is a nine million quid
00:31:21house to build you can have that or two shaved roundabouts yes for your nine million quid no no
00:31:26actually no because and this again is not a word of a lie a few months ago build a man and it must have
00:31:33been a bet he went back to the council and he said i need another million quid and they paid they
00:31:41paid he probably shuffled in i broke my spade another million yeah of course it happened can i be
00:31:50crossed for a moment with bmw it'll be difficult to stop you yes the thing was last year they introduced
00:31:56this they showed they went look at that and everybody went that is fantastic it's an homage to the old uh
00:32:02csl batmobile from 72 and everyone's going god when are you going to start making it they said no
00:32:06no we're not we just made it just to show you what we could make why do they show us just don't do
00:32:10that exactly well actually no it doesn't matter because they've come up with something else instead
00:32:14this look this is actually an homage to the original 2002 which was the old car on the left and that
00:32:20i think actually looks pretty fab it does are they going to make it no well well show it to us then
00:32:26look what we could make but we're not it's a good job bmw don't run the emergency services isn't it
00:32:31oh look you have drifted a long way from shore there haven't you we could drag you back behind
00:32:36our speed boat will you no no we just wanted you to know that we could what they're being is prick
00:32:42teasers oh you can't say that i don't think you can say that not sure you can say no i don't think
00:32:48you can say that you say prick tease is it allowed today that's no different you've just changed the
00:32:54name it's a different way of saying prick or dick penis tease it doesn't matter conversation street's
00:33:01taking a really bad turn the point i'm trying to make is bmw must stop doing that whatever it was
00:33:10now if we had a grand tour medal and we don't but if we did i know who the first recipient would be
00:33:17because we had this amazing story the other day you know speed camera vans sit at the side of the road
00:33:22black tap windows civil servant sitting inside watching you porn okay waiting to that's what it
00:33:28is waiting for someone to trip his camera now someone the other day snuck up behind the speed
00:33:33cameraman quietly undid its number plates put them on his own car and drove past at 100 miles an hour
00:33:42and he's yeah well that is top work absolutely that is top top work can i talk about the alpha
00:33:53omega quadrifoglio no why because we'll get back to our film tonight we are on a grand tour of italy
00:33:59there's james in a rolls royce jeremy in an aston martin and me in a dodge hellcat with two trucks full of
00:34:05tires so i can do donuts whenever i want yes and we pick up the action on day two of what was becoming
00:34:11thanks to him the journey from hell as the sun rose over the silent misty italian countryside
00:34:27okay let's get these out
00:34:30and hammond extricated his entourage from the hotel car park
00:34:34james lowered the roof on his rolls royce
00:34:46morning morning that is the silent ballet there's nothing silent about your lorries
00:34:51no not those that's how rolls royce themselves describe the roof going up and down on there
00:34:56in this look what silent silent ballet that's what they say they also talk about the dawn provides an
00:35:01erotic tingle on the skin is this actual rolls royce this is their words yes they're bum they also
00:35:08say the car is a contemporary take on the casino lifestyle it is intended to attract people sort
00:35:15of people people people who put their seatbelts on exactly people who put their seatbelts on and off
00:35:22and relish both freedom and sophistication casino lifestyle casino lifestyle what here we go have you
00:35:31got your seatbelt on
00:35:38we then set off and decided to do a bit more road testing of our cars i began by talking about the aston martin's
00:35:45the mercedes electronics so the warning beeps and buzzers are now less germanic
00:36:00if you don't put your seatbelt on for example you get a discreet carver
00:36:05rather than a klaxon and somebody's shouting on the downside is everything else now the centerpiece
00:36:14of this dashboard here looks like a how can i put this like a lady part and then the door lining here
00:36:21well it's just hideous looks like a footballer's kitchen worktop it's annoying because i still have
00:36:29done such a good job with the rest of this car i was staggered by how good it was at the track
00:36:35yesterday and yet they've let it all down with this ghastly interior in the hellcat hank j hammondberger
00:36:44hadn't noticed the quality of the fixtures and fittings he was too busy playing with the toys
00:36:49oh now look at all of this timers gauges oh in my performance mode screen i can measure g-forces braking
00:37:03distance reaction times quarter mile timer eighth of a mile timer lapis it's brilliant irrelevant twaddle
00:37:12oh i've just seen my average mpg what is it 6.6 six miles to the gallon i like to think of it as a
00:37:29healthy appetite how many miles to the gallon has your rolls royce been doing james may 15.7 in the last
00:37:3648 hours mine's been doing 21 miles to the gallon that's because it's boring and that's because it's
00:37:44brown oh no and with that the road test ended and another day of hammond-based irritation began
00:37:54there'll be brown bars over
00:37:58so don't it make my brown eyes brown it's orange you join us at another petrol station
00:38:07i don't need any but guess who does this car is excellent for ornithologists it's so quiet going
00:38:13along here i can listen to the birds hello james oh for god's sake party button
00:38:25stop doing that stop it
00:38:28go away i genuinely am worried about the sanity of chief inspector drofers
00:38:41many frustrating miles later we reach the next stop on our grand tour the region around modena which is
00:38:48home to three of the world's greatest car makers
00:38:55and while hammond sped off to give his cultural take on lamborghini's history
00:39:00oh my god that is pure filth james and i went off to buy a goodbye present for him
00:39:09i think scissor doors actually make me horny
00:39:13and when he'd finished his brian sewell routine we met up to hand it over we have had it done for you
00:39:23it's brilliant i know it's in the style actually of an 18th century italian artist called
00:39:29pompeo bettoni who made a pretty good living out of painting um visiting americans on the grand tour
00:39:36and making them look like refined cultured english gentlemen yeah think of it as a souvenir of your
00:39:44trip well thank you except a souvenir is what you get at the end of a trip exactly
00:39:52while hammond struggled to get the painting in his car for the long trip back to england
00:39:59james and i set off alone into the glory that is italy
00:40:06oh my word look at that view oh holy moly
00:40:26that evening in verona we dined well at a michelin starred restaurant and then we went to see
00:40:32something called carmen which wasn't at all what we were expecting
00:40:52he hasn't gone here does he
00:41:02the next morning we were up at first light to attempt another escape
00:41:20this has a quiet start facility but i don't know how it works
00:41:24that's amazing isn't it that's firing 80 times a second roughly no noise
00:41:44i can just drive out of here oh hello car trouble
00:41:51yeah typical accident you see it's broken down anyway look you haven't got long to get it going
00:41:55because i'm going to be down again in a second changed and ready to roll
00:41:58whilst hammond was upstairs chiseling off his sweat james and i made a run for it
00:42:14and in case he caught up with us on the motorway we took some precautions
00:42:18this is the work of the genius we are now protected from mr hammond completely
00:42:34james's head was a bit of a problem with this plan but we've solved it
00:42:38don't worry if you don't recognize me viewers it's me the question was would richard hammond recognize
00:42:48him here comes richard hammond now just look straight ahead look straight ahead and the answer was
00:42:55not looking
00:42:59oh god he's waving at me
00:43:05well he's clocked us hasn't he i think you're better off getting stone chips than looking like that
00:43:11mayday mayday i'm disintegrating
00:43:16whilst james unwrapped himself and richard filled up through his ruined present i had another brainwave
00:43:25i'm going to lead him into the center of vicenza yeah yes i've sent out a tweet and i put this on
00:43:31facebook saying that richard hammond will be appearing in the main square okay so he gets out
00:43:37he's mobbed yes we scarper very good okay i like it have you done it in italian yes yeah good the only
00:43:45thing is i've made a slight mistake i have actually said here that richard hammond will be i wanted to say
00:43:49appearing but i've put exhibiting himself well i'll get a crowd
00:43:59back on the move i put my plan into action i thought we'd we'd turn off the motorway here
00:44:06hammond vicenza's got a doughnutting area in it is it yep no old statues there's uh the starbucks
00:44:14mcdonald's dunking donuts i'm right aren't i james i think they've got an american football team
00:44:21haven't they in vicenza they have the vicenza red bears okay we'll have a little mooch about
00:44:32soon we were approaching the center of the town i just need a crowd big enough to keep him occupied
00:44:40for 20 minutes and how many people will have read my tweet a couple of hundred
00:44:49i was nearly right
00:44:54oh my god
00:44:55this has gone really wrong this has gone so spectacularly wrong
00:45:16oh my word hello is there an event on
00:45:20it's mr hammond you're looking for mr hammond is in the dodge
00:45:32oh this is so nerving is he always this busy here what's going on today
00:45:42look at that we're free and having this stuck
00:45:45yes yes we're out hammond is doomed he's doomed
00:45:57leaving hammond in what he thought was the muscle car capital of italy
00:46:03they like a rev they do like a rev here james and i headed out of town
00:46:09right good venice 23 miles away
00:46:18i think it's fair to say that this entire trip has been a total disaster
00:46:25but the aston martin has been the complete opposite
00:46:30it was much much better than i thought it was going to be on the track it's
00:46:34this staggeringly civilized and quiet on the road really is a superb grand tourer and it is achingly
00:46:43pretty especially with this beautiful orange paintwork
00:46:48jeremy may have been won over by his brown aston but i was truly smitten with the rolls royce
00:46:58what is it about a rolls royce a lot of people would say this isn't a car lovers car it's not sporty
00:47:05it's not dynamic doesn't have any modes for you to set you can't even change the gears you can only put
00:47:10it in forward or reverse and yet i think this is a car for people who love cars because it gives
00:47:17you an entirely different driving experience there is no other car that's quite like a
00:47:23rolls royce no other car that causes you in the same way this is a car that is kind to you
00:47:30i think it is actually impossible to be unhappy if you're driving this car and look at some of the
00:47:34things i've had to put up with richard hammond richard hammond richard hammond the dodge hellcat
00:47:38richard hammond the dodge hellcat and i'm still happy
00:47:45as we arrived in venice we were in good spirits
00:47:50and the next morning we did what all our predecessors on the grand tour would have done
00:47:56we took in the sights from the water
00:48:02so nice without hammond dinner last night nice to be able to order food without somebody going yes but
00:48:08have you got any chips yeah where's the ketchup he's never ever going to get out of that square
00:48:15i mean never oh i assume he's been crushed to death by that or torn apart
00:48:19have you seen that yeah a moron an inappropriate brown power though orange is that allowed around here i'm
00:48:30i'm surprised actually
00:48:35what a yob i mean i thought his hellcat was bad
00:48:39hammond no
00:48:43that's really inappropriate
00:48:45but don't do that
00:48:47don't don't do that
00:48:51who's hungry who's the doughnut
00:48:53hammond stop it
00:48:58wha ha ha ha ha
00:49:09ha ha ha
00:49:19one two
00:49:19you can do it again next year
00:49:21next year
00:49:22Let's do it again. Let's do it.
00:49:26Not only did you knock us into the sewage-infested waters of Venice,
00:49:32you cut the present we gave you in half.
00:49:35Ah, no, hang on a minute. No, it was only like a two-piece jigsaw puzzle,
00:49:38and I put it back together again. Look, there it is.
00:49:40See? Perfect.
00:49:42Hammond. Yes?
00:49:43Art galleries do not sort artworks in half
00:49:47just to get them up the stairs, you moron.
00:49:50Anyway, listen, before we move on, can I just say something about that Aston Martin?
00:49:53Not to wind you two up, I genuinely mean that.
00:49:55It's an amazing... I know the steering wheel is square.
00:49:59And it was brown. Yes, and I know the interior wasn't very nice,
00:50:02but genuinely it's affected me.
00:50:04It's been living up here ever since I got back.
00:50:07And talking of up here, it's now time to play Celebrity Brain Crash.
00:50:20Yes, it's time for a top celebrity to try their hand at our fearsome test
00:50:26of skill, coordination and observation.
00:50:29Now, so far, I should explain, no celebrity has actually made it to the tent.
00:50:35No, they've all died.
00:50:36Yes.
00:50:37But our fingers are crossed for this week because our guest is a huge star.
00:50:43You'll have seen him in Mission Impossible, Star Trek, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz.
00:50:50And he's here to talk about his new movie, Spielberg movie, Ready Player One.
00:50:55Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Simon Pegg!
00:50:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:51:01And there he is.
00:51:04There he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his Cornetto.
00:51:07Always a Cornetto.
00:51:08Now, he's battled aliens.
00:51:10He's battled zombies.
00:51:12He should have no problem at all with a short stroll through this pretty little town.
00:51:16The thing is, of all his films, it's Paul that I like best.
00:51:19I think that stands out.
00:51:20Because Paul was the forerunner of Ted, really.
00:51:22It was first. It came first.
00:51:24It's hot fuzz.
00:51:25It's hot fuzz for me.
00:51:26It's just because of the fight scene.
00:51:27There he is.
00:51:28He's on the bridge.
00:51:29Looks like he's been hassled by seagulls.
00:51:32They're after his Cornetto, I think.
00:51:34Yeah, they're after his...
00:51:35Oh!
00:51:38Oh!
00:51:40Oh, God.
00:51:42Literally nothing we can do.
00:51:44We're going to get a reputation.
00:51:46Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:51:48Well, James, he fell into the harbour
00:51:51and the icy waters of the North Sea are now filling his lungs.
00:51:53It's a no.
00:51:54He's not coming on.
00:51:55Oh, God.
00:51:56That's me.
00:51:57Well, look, I...
00:51:58Oh.
00:51:59I anticipated something like this.
00:52:00Did you?
00:52:01Yes.
00:52:02And so I prepared something else we can do to fill the time.
00:52:06It's this, OK?
00:52:07You know Google have been trying to build a self-driving car.
00:52:09For seven years they've been at it.
00:52:10I've got a picture of it here.
00:52:11It's absolutely hideous.
00:52:12And I was thinking, well, how hard can it be?
00:52:13Oh, God.
00:52:14Oh.
00:52:15Ten days ago I thought, well, I'll give it a bash, OK?
00:52:16And I've already finished it.
00:52:17Have you?
00:52:18Yes, it's here.
00:52:19Is it?
00:52:20Yes, it's here.
00:52:21Yes, it's here.
00:52:22Let's bring it out.
00:52:23It's phone operated.
00:52:24So, hang on.
00:52:25What?
00:52:26No, here it comes.
00:52:27Right.
00:52:28Forwards.
00:52:29Forwards.
00:52:30Forwards.
00:52:31Forwards.
00:52:32Please try not to be distracted by the harrowing scenes of...
00:52:34Left.
00:52:35Left.
00:52:36Straight.
00:52:37The harrowing scenes of Simon's lifeless corpse being fished from the harbour.
00:52:41I know that's upsetting for some people.
00:52:42Right, OK, we need to make a bit of a hole in the crowd back here,
00:52:45because I'm going to bring it into the tent studio,
00:52:47so you can see it.
00:52:48Yes, it's here.
00:52:49Let's bring it out.
00:52:50Yes, it's here.
00:52:51Let's bring it out.
00:52:52It's phone operated.
00:52:53So, hang on.
00:52:54What?
00:52:55No, here it comes.
00:52:56Right, forwards.
00:52:57Forwards.
00:52:58Really?
00:52:59That is brilliant.
00:53:00It's brilliant.
00:53:01Thank you, everybody.
00:53:02Left.
00:53:03Left.
00:53:04Left.
00:53:05Left.
00:53:06Left.
00:53:07Left.
00:53:08Left.
00:53:09It's hideous.
00:53:10Forward.
00:53:11It's...
00:53:12Stop.
00:53:13Stop.
00:53:14It's not brilliant, it's hideous is what it is.
00:53:16How can you say it's hideous?
00:53:17I've copied Google styling completely.
00:53:19Is that...
00:53:21It's not brilliant, it's hideous is what it is.
00:53:23How can you say it's hideous?
00:53:24I've copied Google styling completely.
00:53:26Is that a septic tank?
00:53:29Yes, it is.
00:53:31Cut in half and then I've mounted on the top this chaise longue so the owner can recline in great comfort.
00:53:38Yeah, yeah.
00:53:39How does it actually work?
00:53:41Brilliantly.
00:53:42Down here, very small, little camera.
00:53:44That feeds a view of the road ahead to the system inside.
00:53:49What system?
00:53:50Well, there's bonnets here.
00:53:51Come around, I'll show you the gubbins.
00:53:53Ready?
00:53:54There it is.
00:53:55Well, it's just a man.
00:53:57It's just a man in there.
00:53:59It isn't.
00:54:00But it is.
00:54:01No.
00:54:02No.
00:54:03It's not just a man, this is a Romanian man.
00:54:05I am providing employment for newcomers to our country.
00:54:18Oh, God.
00:54:19What do you mean, oh, God?
00:54:20Think about it.
00:54:21Google, yes, Google, they use electronics to take away the work of a man.
00:54:26This gives him a job, it gives him dignity.
00:54:29Dignity?
00:54:30Yes, dignity.
00:54:31It's a bit feudal, isn't it?
00:54:33It's a bit brilliant, is what it is.
00:54:35Let me close the bonnet.
00:54:36I'm going to go for my first ever drive.
00:54:38I'll go to foot of our stairs here, which is a Yorkshire expression.
00:54:42Great thing is, it's so easy to get in and out of, you know.
00:54:45Look, there I am.
00:54:48And now I don't need the phone, I can use my speaking to you.
00:54:51Oh, God!
00:54:52There's a man in there!
00:54:54What's Romanian for backwards?
00:54:57Inaupi, I think.
00:54:58Inaupi.
00:54:59It is, obviously.
00:55:00Spilingual.
00:55:01This is evil!
00:55:02Google hasn't made it work.
00:55:04I have.
00:55:05In it backwards.
00:55:06I'll just stick to English.
00:55:08Backwards.
00:55:09Backwards.
00:55:10Thank you so much.
00:55:13British engineering, ladies and gentlemen.
00:55:16With Romanian parts.
00:55:19What a combination that is.
00:55:21Sit down ahead.
00:55:23Yep.
00:55:24Whatever.
00:55:25Anyway, I'm glad he's gone.
00:55:26So am I.
00:55:27Now, I'm particularly glad because of what's coming up next.
00:55:30Oh, yes.
00:55:31Yes.
00:55:32Now, right at the beginning of the series, Jeremy Clarkson said when we were at a racetrack
00:55:37in Portugal, and he said it on the television, that if his McLaren P1 wasn't faster than Hammers' Porsche 918 or my Ferrari, the Ferrari, we could knock his house down.
00:55:52Well, it wasn't.
00:55:53So, one weekend when Jeremy was away, we, well, roll the tape.
00:55:59This is it.
00:56:00200 years old and built from beautiful Cotswold stone.
00:56:02Now, I want to make it absolutely clear that this is Jeremy Clarkson's actual house.
00:56:14Yeah.
00:56:15It really is.
00:56:16I'd swear to my children's lives on that.
00:56:18It's Jeremy's house.
00:56:19He bought it when he fell in love with the view.
00:56:21It is a lovely view, actually.
00:56:23It is.
00:56:24But even better soon without a house in it.
00:56:28Our plan was to smash the place down with some big demolition equipment.
00:56:34But there was a problem.
00:56:40In this country, you can't knock a house down if the council find evidence of bats living in it.
00:56:46Well, they did.
00:56:47And now we've been told we've got to take the roof off quietly and by hand to give the bats the chance to go and live elsewhere.
00:56:54James, I can't help but notice.
00:56:57I am doing all of the work here.
00:56:59Yeah, you're going to have to.
00:57:00I don't like it.
00:57:01It's just a ladder.
00:57:02It's a simple enough thing to operate.
00:57:04Climb it.
00:57:05Not if you're me, it's not.
00:57:07How many bats are there?
00:57:08One.
00:57:09One?
00:57:10Yes, a bat.
00:57:11Just kill it.
00:57:12We'll get a prison, mate.
00:57:13We can't.
00:57:14Well, just because that little winged mouse bastard is hanging upside down and they're feeling smug with himself because I'm up this ladder, we can't knock the house down.
00:57:20Yeah, we've got to do it.
00:57:21No choice.
00:57:22So get up here and get on with it.
00:57:23Hammond, I hate, I hate heights.
00:57:26You know I do.
00:57:27I hate ladders.
00:57:28I hate bats.
00:57:30Many hours later, and with no help at all from Spider-Man, the roof was finally off and the bat was free to move.
00:57:38But would it?
00:57:40Why doesn't it go and live in there?
00:57:42Because let's be honest, that's perfect if you're a bat.
00:57:44Yeah, well, it might, but it's got to decide to do so.
00:57:48Can we encourage it?
00:57:49Well, yes, James.
00:57:50Why don't you go and stand in that barn and squeak in a sultry and erotic manner?
00:57:55That night, Spider-Man stood in the barn squeaking in a sultry and erotic manner.
00:58:02And the bat eventually succumbed.
00:58:08So the next morning, we were ready to go.
00:58:11This thing really works!
00:58:12This rocks!
00:58:13Oh, my word!
00:58:14At this rate, we'd be done and dusted in no time.
00:58:35However, my fornickety colleague had an issue.
00:58:39Hammond!
00:58:40What?
00:58:41Stop!
00:58:42What?
00:58:43Stop!
00:58:44You don't just smash it to pieces.
00:58:46You're supposed to sort of dismantle it and leave it in neat parts.
00:58:49It's all going to be tidied up.
00:58:50You can't just leave it like that.
00:58:51It's actually quicker if you do it methodically.
00:58:54Oh, God.
00:58:55Only you would say that.
00:58:56But it is neat piles of bits of the house that then can be carted away.
00:58:58You need to work on that bit and that bit to start with.
00:59:01Then the rest of it will fall down neatly into a heap.
00:59:03How can you make even this boring?
00:59:05It's not boring.
00:59:06It's the way...
00:59:07I've watched it done.
00:59:08That's how you do it.
00:59:09You don't just smash it up.
00:59:10James then commandeered my machine.
00:59:14So I got another one and carried on regardless.
00:59:17And smash!
00:59:25Ah, I've got it.
00:59:29Ah, it's like winning one of those things at the fair.
00:59:35Thanks to me, at least, progress was being made.
00:59:39However...
00:59:42I'm stuck on something.
00:59:46Oh!
00:59:48Oh, I've broken my digger.
00:59:50Oh, dear.
00:59:51Oh, dear.
00:59:52With me out of action and James achieving nothing, a new approach was needed.
00:59:58But first, we had to clear the sight of Jeremy's most treasured possessions.
01:00:04Shakira.
01:00:05Shakira.
01:00:06Shakira.
01:00:07Shakira.
01:00:09Shakira.
01:00:14Oh!
01:00:15That is a strong image.
01:00:19It's a tiny doll with pins in it.
01:00:22And your face.
01:00:23Well, look, this is his photo album.
01:00:28It's probably really precious.
01:00:30Ooh, it's a bit disturbing.
01:00:32What?
01:00:37They're all of me?
01:00:38Yep.
01:00:40At this point, we decided not to clear the sight of his treasured possessions,
01:00:45and moved swiftly to plan B.
01:00:48Short ceremony?
01:00:49Say a few words?
01:00:50Nah.
01:01:09Oh, jeez.
01:01:12That...
01:01:14That got it.
01:01:25Done.
01:01:29So, let's just get this straight.
01:01:31You blew up that picture of me on the horse.
01:01:36Yep.
01:01:37Yep.
01:01:39And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
01:01:41Thanks for watching.
01:01:43See you next week.
01:01:45Good luck!
01:02:09See you next week.
01:02:10See you next week.