One Night in Berlin   Max Amini   Stand Up Comedy - video Dailymotion

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00:00What's your name?

00:01Diana, from where?

00:03From Russia.

00:04From Russia!

00:05Not so popular.

00:08You're single?

00:10Yes.

00:11How long have you been single?

00:12Four years.

00:13Four years?

00:15One year.

00:16Oh, one year.

00:16I thought you were defective.

00:19And who was your last boyfriend?

00:22And is he alive?

00:25She goes, I don't know if he's alive,

00:26but if he's not, I had nothing to do with it.

00:29It's the most Russian thing to say.

00:33Okay, okay.

00:34But was he also Russian?

00:35No, he was African.

00:37He was African.

00:38Oh, nice.

00:48In Arabic, we say,

00:49MashaAllah, MashaAllah.

00:52Very different than German schnitzel.

00:55Hello.

00:56Hello.

00:57Hello.

00:58We get's.

01:03It's really good.

01:06No, this is like...

01:07Music comes out.

01:10Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

01:17Culture here is so fantastic.

01:19Germans are so nice.

01:22Germans are so special, yeah?

01:24You late asshole.

01:25We'll sit down.

01:32Germans are so nice,

01:33and the refugees are such assholes.

01:38Thank you, Germans,

01:40for tolerating this guy with his scarf.

01:44It looks like he's going on a mission.

01:46Put it in your pocket.

01:47Don't scare the white people.

01:51The German guy is having a heart attack behind you.

01:54What country are you from?

01:56Palestine!

01:57Palestine.

01:58That's wonderful.

01:59Nice.

02:01Thank you very much.

02:02What's your name?

02:03Hazem.

02:04Hazem.

02:06That word in Farsi,

02:07you know what that means?

02:08Digest.

02:12Digest.

02:12You know, when you eat something,

02:13your name is digestion.

02:17What does it mean in Arabic?

02:19Determine.

02:20Determine.

02:20Determine to digest.

02:27That's great, man.

02:28And your girl is beautiful.

02:29She's really pretty.

02:30And where are you from?

02:31From Germany.

02:32From Germany.

02:33My God, you're so beautiful.

02:34The eyes, the hair.

02:36I'm just giving compliments.

02:37Very beautiful.

02:39Now, how did you guys meet?

02:41I was hiking.

02:42Was it part of the...

02:43And you just followed her?

02:48Yeah.

02:48No way.

02:52And then she followed me from Palestine.

02:54And then,

02:54but be honest,

02:55I really want to know

02:56because Hazem,

02:57you seem like a very sweet guy

02:58and you're from Palestine

02:59and you were by yourself

03:00hiking by yourself

03:02and you see a hot German,

03:05not just any chick,

03:06tall, beautiful,

03:07blue eyes,

03:08beautiful hair.

03:09She's just walking

03:10and you were probably wearing

03:12some jihad boots,

03:14fucking war pants,

03:16going up the mountain,

03:19yeah?

03:19And then you see

03:20this beauty queen.

03:22What do you say?

03:24Come here!

03:27You either take me

03:28or I push you down the mountain.

03:29I was cooking in Austria

03:33and I invited her

03:34to a Palestinian tradition.

03:37You went up to her

03:38and you go,

03:38I am Palestinian.

03:40I'm cooking food

03:41and I want to force you to eat.

03:44And she goes,

03:46yeah?

03:48You were hungry,

03:49weren't you?

03:50She's in the mountains starving.

03:56She doesn't give a shit.

03:57She's like,

03:57yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:59Can I Hazem the food?

04:03You guys got married

04:04after that, yeah?

04:06No, we moved to Palestine.

04:08You moved to Palestine?

04:10My God.

04:12That's beautiful.

04:13With his parents.

04:14With his parents.

04:15You lived with his parents.

04:17Dude, who are you?

04:19The more

04:22I learn about this story,

04:25the more I realize

04:26I think she works

04:27for the government of Germany.

04:29I think she works

04:30for the government of Germany.

04:31No?

04:32It doesn't make sense

04:33this woman is out of this world.

04:35They don't make

04:36this woman anymore.

04:38What an incredible woman you are.

04:40Moved to Palestine

04:40living with the Chochoch's parents.

04:43Give them a big round of applause.

04:45Good luck to you.

04:46So much.

04:48Much luck to you.

04:49He smells like great shish kebab.

04:56I kissed him,

04:57I got hungry.

04:58I got hungry.

05:01We even have a Punjab here.

05:05What's up, brother?

05:06Nice to see you, man.

05:08What's your name?

05:09Kabir.

05:10That's beautiful.

05:11Kabir means almighty.

05:12Big.

05:13Kabir.

05:14Yeah?

05:15Kabir means big.

05:15How big is your dick?

05:17That's a lot of pressure, yeah?

05:19My name is Kabir.

05:20Oh.

05:20Hello.

05:21That would be fucked up.

05:22But yo, Kabir.

05:24That would be cool, man.

05:28Show me a message.

05:30DM me your dick size.

05:32I don't want to see dick pics.

05:33But from Kabir,

05:33I'm very curious.

05:35Kabir,

05:36the Indian

05:37porn star.

05:40Punjabi porn star.

05:41He comes out of the basket.

05:44How are you, baby?

05:46How you doing?

05:47You want to see Kabir in action?

05:49Oh, let's go, motherfuckers.

05:52Hello.

05:58Albanians clap.

05:59Albania.

06:00Very cool, man.

06:01Last night,

06:02I had a lot of Albanians.

06:03Not a lot tonight.

06:04How are you?

06:05Hey.

06:07Albanians,

06:07they do this, yeah?

06:08Because their flag

06:09is an eagle, yeah?

06:11But I didn't know

06:12what this is.

06:13I was at a show,

06:14I swear to God,

06:15and I said,

06:16where are you from?

06:16And the girl went like this.

06:20I'm not kidding.

06:21And she put her hand

06:22over her tits.

06:25I thought she's giving me

06:26a signal.

06:29I responded,

06:30thank you so much.

06:31I was just wondering

06:31where you're from.

06:33She goes,

06:34I said,

06:36okay,

06:37sure.

06:39I'll find out later.

06:41I said,

06:42like that,

06:42I played along, yeah?

06:43And then I found out

06:44this is the flag.

06:45This means eagle.

06:47And then Serbians,

06:48also have an eagle

06:50on their flag as well.

06:52Huh?

06:53On the flag.

06:54Hold on,

06:54there's a Serbian here.

06:55She's,

06:55where are you at, honey?

06:57Here.

06:57Oh, okay.

06:58Sitting right next

06:58to the Albanians.

06:59Exactly.

07:01So,

07:02just to explain to you,

07:04the relationship

07:04between Serbia and Albania

07:06is like India

07:07and Pakistan.

07:08More or less.

07:09More or less,

07:10they want to destroy

07:11each other, yeah?

07:12Serbians get very jealous

07:14when Albanians do this

07:15because the Albanians

07:17came up with this

07:18faster than the Serbians,

07:20right?

07:21So,

07:21FIFA,

07:22FIFA doesn't allow

07:23this at the game.

07:25Did you know that?

07:26Because Serbians

07:27would be like,

07:27no.

07:29No.

07:30Don't hurt, no.

07:32We also hurt, no.

07:34Serbians are not

07:35crybabies,

07:36you know?

07:36No.

07:37No.

07:38No.

07:39No.

07:40No.

07:41You know,

07:46you guys should come up

07:47with your own sign.

07:47You can do this shit.

07:50Be creative, you know?

07:51Come up with this.

07:53Let them do this

07:54and you do this.

07:56What do you know?

07:57Please enlighten me.

07:58What's the problem with this?

08:00It's a part of history

08:02and part of the wars.

08:04Yeah, I know the war situation

08:05but I don't know this part.

08:07When the war was happening,

08:08the soldiers were...

08:09Which war?

08:09Serbia and Albanians.

08:11There was a war

08:12between Albanians

08:13and Serbs.

08:14Then what are you

08:15referring to?

08:15War.

08:16There was war

08:17on Kosovo.

08:18Kosovo.

08:18You guys were fighting

08:19over Kosovo

08:20and they were fighting

08:20with you guys

08:21for Kosovo, yeah?

08:22Exactly.

08:23The fuck?

08:23Same thing I just said.

08:24I'm telling you,

08:29the Serbians,

08:30not easy conversation.

08:32No, no, no.

08:37I'm kidding.

08:38I'm kidding.

08:41I love Serbians.

08:43I have a lot of Serbian friends

08:44and I think all of you

08:46and all of us,

08:47we're all the same people.

08:48Same genes,

08:49same background.

08:52Love goes to all of you.

08:57What do you do in Berlin?

08:59I own a cat engine.

09:01You're at a...

09:01Cat hotel.

09:02Cat hotel?

09:03Yeah.

09:08What?

09:09Hold on a minute.

09:12In Berlin,

09:13your cats have hotels?

09:16Where are they vacationing from?

09:19Stuttgart?

09:24They're at the hotel

09:26fucking dancing

09:27to DJ Kitty Cat.

09:32They have a cat hotel?

09:34Is this for actual cats?

09:36Or are you referring to pussy?

09:40This guy's like,

09:41I'm the biggest pimp

09:42in Berlin, bitch.

09:44I got it.

09:45Pussy hotel.

09:46It's for you.

09:49And that's your lady?

09:50It's complicated.

09:53Is she part of the hotel?

09:58She goes,

09:59no,

09:59I'm not part of the goddamn hotel.

10:03Nice to meet you.

10:04But he's such a cool guy

10:05and you're very beautiful.

10:07So why is it not happening?

10:09Why is it complicated?

10:11Complicated, you said?

10:12So it is happening.

10:13Complicated is happening.

10:14Happens sometimes.

10:18So I guess my question is,

10:20who's married?

10:22You're married.

10:30I'm a professional at this shit.

10:33Okay?

10:33Don't ever underestimate me.

10:37I read you from miles away.

10:40You're so cool, man.

10:42She was like,

10:43how do I say no?

10:45And he looks like

10:47either the nicest guy in the world

10:49or a serial killer.

10:54Seriously,

10:54he looks like,

10:55hi,

10:56I have cat hotel.

10:59Come pet the pussy.

11:01Come pet some kitties.

11:02Ah!

One Night in Berlin Max Amini Stand Up Comedy

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