00:01You're police officers? Shit! Remind me your name? Hussain?
00:11Dispatch, dispatch, emergency. How bad is the situation? It's a really bad situation. Everyone's killing everybody. They're shooting. Send Hussain
00:23Hussain, are you available? Allahu Akbar, I am available. What is happening? They're all killing each other.
00:30I can take care of it. I am made for this. Like, what's your position? You work at the
00:37headquarter? Get the f*** out of here. I'm so proud of you, dude. You're such a good police
00:44that the police is like, don't waste this guy in the car driving in LA's traffic. Put him
00:50in the headquarter. He can tell you how the chachach think. And then we send the other
00:57white people to go pick him up. Look, the black girl is nervous as f*** right now. She's
01:04like, man, I go to a show, police right next to me. Now she's going to complain, this motherf***ing
01:11show was racist. One black girl in the whole theater, police officer right next to me.
01:23He's a nice officer. He's Hussain.
01:30Why did you wear a three-piece suit, man? You're making me feel underdressed. Well,
01:38you look great. You're a handsome guy. I mean, look, the guy next to you came in in pajamas.
01:43Did your lady make you wear a suit or was it your idea? It was her idea? No, she says
01:49it wasn't my
01:50idea. Both of you lied. This relationship, not so good so far. What's your name? Well,
01:57Justin, next time, just wear something cool and casual, yeah? Suit and tie for a white guy in
02:02the front is intimidating. I swear, I'm not kidding. You look like an FBI agent. Stand up,
02:10let everybody see this handsome guy and see if I'm kidding. Turn around, turn around. FBI agent,
02:16Justin, remember his face. Oh, no f***ing way. Dude, show your badge to everybody.
02:24Show the badge. Look at this s***. Yo, yo. Dude, let's celebrate tonight because this is the night
02:35tomorrow you're going to find out you're fired. They're like, what did he do? That is so cool,
02:43man. Respect. Okay. Next time, DC, you come to my show. Everybody, suit and tie.
02:58How tall are you? 6'6". 6'6". Oh, 6'6". That's like three Persians on top of each other.
03:12You play sports? I have hockey. Hockey? 6'6". You have f***ing?
03:21Did your stick touch the ground?
03:26What do you do now? I work for the government. What do you do for the government?
03:31I work.
03:42Immigration? So, buddy, you're not here for the show. You're on an assignment.
03:55You're the loudest Indian in the world, by the way. Oh, there you are.
04:00These lights are so heavy. What's your name?
04:05Mandy. Oh, Mandy. Oh, that's easy.
04:09Mandy. Okay, what kind of Indian drugs are you on?
04:13You're very intense for an Indian. You sure you're Indian or you're a white girl pretending you're Indian?
04:18I've not seen one Indian in my entire life act like you.
04:22Mandy, you're actually fun. Don't get offended, yeah? But you're crazy.
04:26No, sit down the whole time.
04:29This is not a rock and roll concert. You did not have to do some ecstasy before you come to
04:34the show.
04:36I bet you she doesn't have a job, this one. You have a job?
04:40I'm a cop.
04:42You're a cop? Is that what she said?
04:45She's a cop? Oh, shit.
04:54Are you really a cop or are you just multiple personality disorder?
04:59Are you playing cop right now?
05:01Are you really a police officer? How did you pass the exam?
05:06The psychological exam. How did you do that shit?
05:10I mean, I cannot believe you became a cop. You're too excited. You're gonna kill somebody.
05:15Can you imagine somebody not listening to this one?
05:18I will let me rest. Put your hands on the ground, bitch.
05:26You look like the strongest man on earth. Like the guys that they pull the trucks and shit, dude.
05:31What do you guys do? Are you into sports or something? No.
05:34Cops.
05:34You're cops? You're police officers.
05:38Wow.
05:41How incredible.
05:44Turn around and see how nervous the Iraqi guy is behind you.
05:52I want to complain to the manager of the comedy club. Why would you put the cops in the front?
05:57This is too intimidating.
06:00I bet you the comedy club looked up the comedian like, oh, this guy is a Persian comedian.
06:05Let's call the police station.
06:08Oh, my God. Such a great honor to have you guys, man. You said Mark, right? Mark and?
06:14Marcus.
06:15Marcus.
06:19Is this a joke?
06:22Mark and Marcus? You guys look at him. Officer Mark! Officer Marcus!
06:27You're always together.
06:30This is the best duo.
06:32You guys patrolled the same car? Same unit? No? That would have been the best.
06:36I'm not from here.
06:37Oh, you're not from here.
06:38It's not your jurisdiction.
06:39Fuck you!
06:41Taking this shit way too seriously.
06:45It's not their jurisdiction.
06:48So, where are you guys from?
06:50Washington State.
06:51Washington State?
06:52Yeah.
06:52Oh, that's a cool place.
06:53Okay, Washington State.
06:54And so you're on vacation?
06:55No.
06:55No? On an assignment?
06:58Really?
07:00Are you guys bounty hunters?
07:03Are you here to catch me?
07:07Who paid you?
07:08Be honest.
07:11Warns? Of course.
07:12I'm Persian.
07:12I have so many.
07:13I don't know how many warrants.
07:16In what state?
07:17This is the best.
07:18Mark and Marcus.
07:19This is the best.
07:21So, you're on an assignment right now in Austin.
07:23But why would they send you from?
07:25Are you allowed to talk about it?
07:28Really?
07:28Well, first of all, thanks for being so open about it.
07:31You know?
07:31What kind of prisoner is he?
07:33Is he?
07:34It's a she?
07:40I got nervous because my ex-girlfriend is in the prison here.
07:44Please take that bitch away.
07:48Wow, they send two big-ass cops?
07:52She must be a bad-ass.
07:55Right?
07:56What did she do?
07:58She burned down the church.
08:00Hold on one second.
08:02Iraqi guy, was it your sister?
08:06I want to find out.
08:09He's like, well, I'm not sure.
08:11My sister does not like the church.
08:15We told her, go to church.
08:16Maybe they give you a green card.
08:18She did not like it.
08:19She burned down the church.
08:22She burned down the church.
08:25Well, I wonder what happened in the church, yeah?
08:29I mean, has she been on trial yet?
08:31No?
08:34Ah, okay, okay.
08:35And did you guys investigate who the priest is at the church?
08:41No?
08:43I mean, there might be something there.
08:46Nobody wakes up in the morning, I want to burn down the church.
08:51But some people wake up and be like, when I was 12, oh, shit.
08:54I have some flashback.
08:58That church.
09:00Next thing you know, you're in Austin hiding and shit.
09:06You work out all the time, yeah?
09:08You're Aussie?
09:09Yeah.
09:10Yeah.
09:10What's your name?
09:12Cooper.
09:13That's the dog's name.
09:15That's cute.
09:17Cooper!
09:23That's really sweet.
09:24She looks beautiful.
09:27Look the other way.
09:29Oh, you're jealous.
09:32Oh, really?
09:32You weren't jealous until you met her.
09:34I mean, why is that?
09:37Oh, okay.
09:40She's the most beautiful to you.
09:43I love how you guys clapped her.
09:45You know what he said?
09:47No one was as beautiful as her.
09:49Just because Cooper was dating a bunch of ugly chicks.
09:55It doesn't mean he wasn't jealous.
09:56He's the same jealous asshole.
09:58He finally got one hot chick.
09:59He's like, all right, man, don't look at her.
10:02And you look at her too long, he starts biting.
10:11What do you do?
10:14Federal police.
10:20I just want to really quickly apologize for everything I said.
10:29Officer, mad respect.
10:37Thank you so much.
10:40Can you bail me out tonight?
10:45But I'm not going to lie from the bottom of my heart.
10:49That's probably the sexiest thing I heard tonight.
10:53You get home, you're like, here's my handcuff.
11:00Cooper, you're under arrest.
11:04Get down to your knees, man.
11:20You work for 9-1-1?
11:22No.
11:24This is the lady we're calling.
11:25Hi, please send the police.
11:28What's the matter?
11:32I'm getting robbed.
11:34Does he have a gun?
11:36No, he's got a knife.
11:38Well, okay then.
11:39You'll be just fine.
11:41The cops are on their way.
11:43They'll be there tomorrow morning.
11:45That's a tough job, seriously.
11:47Give her a big round of applause.
11:49This woman saves lives.
11:53Tammy, tell us one of your stories.
11:55One of your crazy calls.
11:56I've had people call and ask what the number is to 9-1-1.
12:05Hello, 9-1-1.
12:07Yes, how can I help you?
12:08What's the number for emergency?
12:119-1-1.
12:11I know I called 9-1-1.
12:13I want the emergency card.
12:15It's 9-1-1.
12:16I called 9-1-1.
12:19What is the 9-1-1 for the 9-1-1?
12:21It's 9-1-1.
12:22Oh, it's 9-1-1.
12:24Okay, I call you when I have emergency.
12:30What's up, buddy?
12:33Give some love to the police in the house, everybody.
12:35Give some love to my boy Leo in the house.
12:40You're so nice.
12:41We actually got the police to escort us when we had landed,
12:44and he was so kind.
12:46First, I didn't know what's going on.
12:47I thought I got arrested.
12:49And he was like, hey, man, I'm here.
12:51He's like, I'm here to escort you guys.
12:53I'm like, where?
12:56You can never straight up talk your feelings
12:59with a police officer.
13:00You know what I mean?
13:01Like, when they come to your window,
13:03like, driving a license,
13:04you can't never just say, like, how you feel.
13:06You're just like, you're just like,
13:11And immediately you have to think of a miserable situation.
13:15Okay, who died?
13:16Maybe I'm dying.
13:18What kind of disease do I have?
13:22Going to the hospital.
13:24It's just that walk the cop gets out of his car to your car.
13:28Like, that's only, like, that 18 seconds.
13:31You have to figure this shit out.
13:34But I always wanted to just say what I wanted to say.
13:37Leo, can we try it?
13:38Like, this is not for you.
13:39This is not to you.
13:40But this is like, because you know how to do the thing.
13:42Like, I'm going to pretend I'm driving.
13:44And when I do the cop sound, you just ask the question.
13:47Drive it like the regular thing, all right?
13:49Right?
13:49Just to see.
13:49This is how the conversation that I would like.
13:52This is how I would like it to go.
13:53I'm driving.
13:57I sound like a chicken right now.
14:01Take two.
14:06That's the worst silence ever.
14:08.
14:17They do that thing.
14:18They do that thing.
14:21Pull over.
14:22Pull over.
14:24I'm going to roll down the window.
14:27Yes, officer.
14:34I always wanted to say that.
14:37It feels so good.
14:41Seriously, buddy.
14:42You should try it next time we get pulled over.
14:44Try it.
14:45It's amazing.
14:46Best feeling ever.
14:47My gift to you.
