- hace 4 meses
It's August but Max and the Chief are snowed in at Miami. In fact, the weather is unusually erratic all over. The Chief assigns 99 while the CIA assigns Agent Quigley (Bill Dana) -- who is so goofy and naive that he makes Max seem sophisticated in comparison -- to investigate who may be manipulating the weather this way. A lead sends the duo to fictional frozen Wolf Jaw, Canada, where they make contact with two "mounties": Siegfried and Starker. A spoof of Ice Station Zebra.
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00:00Yes, yes.
00:20I see.
00:22All right, I've got it. Thank you very much.
00:25Yes, yes, I see. Yes.
00:26Fine, well, get back to me as soon as you can.
00:30Another bulletin, sir.
00:33The Mississippi River is almost frozen over,
00:35and snow flurries are starting to fall at the equator.
00:38Good grief, Colonel Quinton. This is frightening.
00:40General Christian.
00:40Yes, Admiral Crichton.
00:42I've just had a communique, sir,
00:43stating that the reservoirs in the New York State area are frozen solid.
00:47In New York City alone,
00:48Manhattan, the Bronx, and Brooklyn are having a drinking problem.
00:51How about flushing?
00:51I believe they're having a little trouble with that, too, sir.
00:53General Christian speaking.
01:01General, this is the chief of control.
01:03I'm in Miami, and I won't be able to get out because we're under 12 feet of snow.
01:07Oh, that's bad.
01:08Let me talk to him, chief.
01:09Hello, General. This is Maxwell Smart.
01:11But I'm stuck down here, too.
01:13What?
01:13That's good.
01:14I'm assigning Agent 99 to the case,
01:19and the CIA is sending one of their top men.
01:21They should be reporting any minute.
01:23Good luck.
01:24What's bad, sir?
01:25Oh, the chief of control is on a special case in Miami Beach.
01:28What's good, sir?
01:29Maxwell Smart is with him.
01:31Oh, I envy him.
01:32Now's a good time to be in Miami.
01:34I'm afraid not.
01:36Miami Beach is under 12 feet of snow.
01:38What are we going to do, sir?
01:39He's assigned one of his top agents to the case,
01:41and the CIA is sending one of their top men.
01:43They should be here almost any minute.
01:44Gentlemen, if these agents can't stop this,
01:48we are on the verge of another ice age.
01:53Yes?
01:54Control Agent 99 and CIA Agent Quigley are here, sir.
01:57Good. Send them right in.
02:05How do you do, Quigley? 99?
02:06Hello.
02:07I'm General Christian, Colonel Quinton, Admiral Crickton.
02:10Uh, General Crickton, Admiral...
02:13Christian!
02:13Admiral Christian?
02:14No, I'm Christian.
02:15Oh, you're Admiral Christian.
02:17Oh, then you must be Colonel Crickton.
02:20No, I'm Quinton.
02:22Admiral Quinton.
02:24No, he's Colonel Quinton.
02:27The General's name is Christian,
02:29the Admiral's name is Crickton,
02:30and the Colonel's name is Quinton.
02:32Hi, fellas.
02:33Now, suppose we get to the, uh, problem at hand.
02:37Now, 99, quickly,
02:40the entire world is at the mercy of a madman.
02:43Have you heard of Professor Stanislavski?
02:46Wasn't he the police scientist who said he had some method for freezing over the world?
02:50Oh, yeah, the Stanislavski method.
02:52He tried to sell it to every nation in the world, but no one would believe him.
02:55Now, he's succeeding now.
02:57Now, we believe he's operating from an underground laboratory up here near the North Pole.
03:02Oh, uh, right up right here, General.
03:06Here, General.
03:07Right out here.
03:07Are we alone on this assignment?
03:09Oh, no, 99.
03:10Every nation in the world is joining forces
03:12in order to do what must be done to stop this madman.
03:16Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.
03:18Great Britain has offered his air cover.
03:20South America has offered the knowledge of its top German scientists.
03:24And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.
03:28Now, in this envelope
03:30is the exact location of Professor Stanislavski's underground laboratory.
03:34I want you to guard that with your life.
03:37I promise you, this envelope will never leave my hands.
03:44I didn't promise about the map.
03:47I just said...
03:47Oh, take these along with you quickly.
03:49They're scientifically treated so that they will insulate you against the cold.
03:53Thank you, Jim, very much.
03:54Now, you are to leave immediately for Wolfjaw, Canada.
03:57There, you will go to the Yellow Dog Saloon
04:00where you will be contacted and given further instructions.
04:03Goodbye, General Quinton,
04:05Admiral Christian,
04:06Colonel...
04:07Fellas.
04:09Now, remember, Quigley,
04:10the entire world is depending on you.
04:13It couldn't be in better hands.
04:16Yes.
04:23Well, let's go...
04:29Well, let's go.
04:37You should be in better hands.
04:40I will.
04:41And I will.
04:42And I can go...
05:43Oh, I'm so frozen. I don't think I'll ever thaw out.
05:48Maybe you can be next in the stove.
05:50Huh?
05:52That's one of our men, Agent 44.
05:55Is that you, 44?
05:57Well, it ain't Daniel Webster.
06:00Hello, 99.
06:01How are the twins?
06:02Oh, they're fine, 44.
06:04My mother's taking care of them.
06:06Max is on an assignment in Florida.
06:07So this is Agent Quigley at the CIA.
06:10Nice to meet you.
06:12Say, how do you stand all that heat in there?
06:15I'm wearing Bermuda shorts.
06:18I didn't know you were on this assignment, 44.
06:20What are our instructions?
06:22You're to go to the bar and order a beer.
06:25Then bring it back here,
06:26and I'll give you further instructions.
06:28Roger.
06:29I'll do it, 99.
06:30You wait here.
06:31One beer?
06:40Say, 99.
06:41Would you like it?
06:44Can I...
06:45Another one, please?
06:54Another one, please.
07:01Say, what's...
07:04What's holding that beer?
07:16Okay.
07:18Here, 44.
07:19Don't drop it.
07:28Ah.
07:31Is there a secret message in there or something?
07:36No.
07:37Well, what did you want the beer for?
07:38Why, it was Thursday.
07:40What's our next move, 44?
07:41See those two Canadian Maudis at the table under the moose?
07:46Yes.
07:47They've been assigned to guide you
07:48to Professor Stanislavski's secret laboratory.
07:52Identify yourselves with the passwords
07:54when I'm calling you.
07:57Is there anything else?
07:58Yes.
07:58Close the doors.
08:00I'm getting a draft.
08:09When I'm calling you.
08:15It's Siegfried and Starker.
08:17Well, it ain't Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald, cookie.
08:23Look, smart, if you had to pick a disguise,
08:26why did you pick such a dopey-looking one?
08:28I'm not smart from control.
08:30Well, who are you?
08:31I'm dopey from...
08:33I'm Quigley from intelligence.
08:35What are you doing in those uniforms?
08:37What do you mean?
08:38What are we doing in these uniforms?
08:40They are our uniforms.
08:42You mean chaos has changed its uniforms?
08:44No.
08:45We are members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
08:49You are.
08:51That's right.
08:52And we always get our man.
08:54This is not chaos anymore.
09:03The darn doo-doo here.
09:06Do you mean to tell us you're not with chaos anymore?
09:09Oh, yeah.
09:10We had to quit.
09:11We're getting too old for violence.
09:12The college kids are taking over.
09:14Now we are the good guys.
09:16Well, you certainly don't expect us to believe that you're Mounties.
09:21You bet your sweet Klondike we do.
09:23Well, I don't believe it.
09:25You have no choice but to believe us,
09:26because if you don't,
09:28who will take that map of yours
09:29and guide you through the wilderness
09:31to Professor Stanislavski's laboratory?
09:34We've decided to trust you, Siegfried.
09:36You won't regret it.
09:37We start immediately.
09:39Where's your dog's leg?
09:40We're parked right outside.
09:41Next to the hydrant.
09:43And now, if you'll hand me the map,
09:44we'll be on our way.
09:47Okay.
09:48Here you are.
09:49Good.
09:50And seeing as I'm leading the way,
09:52I'll hold on to the map.
09:54Not so fast.
09:56So you won't do anything funny,
09:57I'm going to hold on to the envelope.
10:02As bad as all that, huh?
10:06All right, we'll get back to you.
10:08Who was that, sir?
10:09Los Angeles.
10:10Don't tell me it's snowing there, too.
10:12Well, either that or the smog is frozen.
10:14Ah-ha, that tracking device
10:16we put into Quigley's glove
10:18is working.
10:19Oh, very good.
10:21Yeah.
10:22Latitude,
10:23longitudinal,
10:23longitudinal.
10:25Mm-hmm.
10:27Ah-hem.
10:28That would put him right around,
10:29uh, there.
10:29Agent 99, you sleep in one tent,
10:44and Quigley and I will sleep in the other.
10:47What about Starker?
10:48Starker sleeps with the dogs.
10:50You can't do that.
10:52Why not?
10:53The dogs don't mind.
10:54You two, uh,
10:55make yourselves comfortable.
10:57Starker and I will unload the sleds.
11:00Starker!
11:01Starker!
11:01Unload the sleds!
11:11Quigley,
11:12do you realize this is the first time we've been alone?
11:15Well, what did you have in my 99th?
11:17Now we can use the radio
11:18and find out if Siegfried and Starker
11:19are really mounted police.
11:21Oh, yes,
11:21but do you realize how much power it'd take
11:23to reach the Pentagon from here?
11:25No, Quigley,
11:26we don't have to call the Pentagon.
11:27There's a mounted police station
11:29in Whitehorse.
11:30Well, that's pretty far too,
11:31but it's worth taking a chance.
11:32Where's the snowshoe phone?
11:34Right here.
11:37Hurry, Quigley.
11:39This is Agent Quigley
11:40calling Royal Mounted Headquarters
11:42in Whitehorse.
11:43Come in, Whitehorse.
11:44I think they're coming through.
11:45Go ahead.
11:47This is Agent Quigley.
11:48Look,
11:49I want to check out and find out
11:50if you have an Officer Starker
11:53and Officer Siegfried.
11:56Is this Whitehorse?
11:58Oh,
11:59thanks anyway.
12:01What happened?
12:03I told you
12:04it wouldn't reach that far.
12:05How far did it reach?
12:06The sled.
12:06I was talking to Siegfried.
12:08How do you like that?
12:09They still don't trust us.
12:11Hmm.
12:12I wonder why not.
12:14You think maybe
12:15they know
12:15we're gonna kill them?
12:16How could they possibly
12:17know a thing like that?
12:18Let me take a look
12:19at the map.
12:26No, yeah.
12:27We should reach
12:28Professor Stanislavski's labratory
12:30in exactly
12:3123 hours
12:34underheilf.
12:35Good.
12:36Then we kill
12:37Agent Quigley
12:37in 99 now.
12:39Put away
12:40that gun,
12:40Starker.
12:41We do nothing
12:43of the sort.
12:44We're not
12:44going to kill them?
12:46Mother Nature
12:47will do it for us.
12:49Hmm?
12:49We will sleep
12:50away
12:51during the night.
12:53And when they
12:54wake up tomorrow morning,
12:56they'll be dead.
12:57Wigley!
13:08Wigley!
13:08Wigley!
13:09Wigley!
13:09Wigley!
13:09Wigley, wake up!
13:18Look, the tent's gone.
13:20The dog's the sled.
13:22And Siegfried and Starker.
13:24They've left us here
13:25without anything.
13:27They've stranded us here
13:28to die.
13:29Well, that just proves it.
13:31What?
13:31They're not Mounties.
13:33Look.
13:35It's Siegfried and Starker's tracks.
13:37Right.
13:37If we follow those tracks,
13:39it'll lead us right
13:39to Professor Stanislavski's
13:40laboratory.
13:42But we better hurry up
13:42before the snow
13:43covers those tracks.
13:44Where are your gloves?
13:45Oh, yesterday,
13:46one of them fell right
13:47into the water
13:48through the ice.
13:49Oh, what happened
13:49to the other one?
13:50One of the dogs ate it.
13:52Are you sure
13:53your information
13:53is correct, gentlemen?
13:54Positive, General.
13:55Absolutely positive.
13:57According to the position
13:58of my tracking glove,
13:59Quigley and 99
14:00should be going
14:02over Niagara Falls.
14:05What about you, Quinton?
14:06I've got them
14:07inside a dog kennel
14:08in Quebec, sir.
14:17Oh, Quigley,
14:19I don't think
14:19I can take another step.
14:21Let's get a little rest
14:22and maybe
14:23that will
14:24renew our strength.
14:26Oh, it's so sleepy.
14:28Oh.
14:33What happened?
14:35Oh, nothing.
14:36I just hit my head
14:38on an igloo.
14:39Oh, an igloo!
14:40An igloo!
14:40An igloo!
14:40An igloo!
14:41Oh, an igloo!
14:59What?
14:59What?
15:00What?
15:00What?
15:00What?
15:01What?
15:02Help!
15:02Somebody help us!
15:06Hey.
15:07Look at this now.
15:08Oh.
15:09Listen to me.
15:15Look at that.
15:32Oh, I'm sorry, quickly.
15:39Let's go.
16:00This is the secret laboratory of Professor Stanislavski.
16:04Correction.
16:06Cookie, this is the laboratory of the late Professor Stanislavski.
16:14I've never been so famished in my whole life.
16:17Me either. It's just delicious.
16:19What is that, Stocker?
16:21Penguins.
16:22Penguins?
16:23Yeah, penguins.
16:25We find them right outside here.
16:27We take off their little booties and their little white shirts.
16:30We cook them.
16:37They're all finished eating, Siegfried.
16:39Good. Clean up the table.
16:41What do I do with the bones?
16:43Do what you always do.
16:44Bring in one of the dogs from the slate, defrost him, feed him, then freeze him up again.
16:50You freeze your dogs?
16:52Of course.
16:53But is that healthy for them?
16:55Healthy.
16:56Oh, feel how cold their nose is hot.
17:00Stocker.
17:01It's not that we're not grateful for the food.
17:02But why in the world did you have to do away with Professor Stanislavski?
17:19Well, we had no further use for the Professor.
17:22And now his laboratory and his discoveries belong to chaos.
17:27But what are you gonna do with it?
17:29To begin with, we're going to freeze the United States.
17:35And when it is completely frozen over, chaos's elite ice skating troops will skate in and conquer it.
17:45Chaos has an ice skating troop?
17:48Oh, yeah. The chaos capades.
17:50Siegfried, maybe it's none of my business.
17:52But by what method was Professor Stanislavski able to bring that Arctic weather to the rest of the world right in the middle of the summer?
17:59The Stanislavski method.
18:01A method so simple yet so effective that it staggers the imagination. Look.
18:09Wiggly, it's a giant electric fan!
18:15That information will do you no good.
18:20They're going to kill you.
18:22Just how do you plan to do that?
18:24We're going to put you back inside the igloo, block the entrance so you can't escape.
18:30You will be entombed forever.
18:34And while you are dying, the giant fan on top of the igloo will be...
18:45Well?
18:46Well what?
18:47Well?
18:48Aren't you going to stay...
18:50...starker?
18:51...starker?
18:53No!
18:54This is chaos!
18:56We don't do it here!
18:58Well?
19:01Up here in the Arctic, you can get away with anything.
19:04All right!
19:05Get inside there!
19:07There's something that I demand before you seal us inside that igloo.
19:12What will you demand?
19:14I demand that you don't seal us up in the igloo.
19:16This is Elendack!
19:18Put up some dirty runt!
19:19I don't understand that.
19:21Oh, that, that I understand.
19:23Good!
19:24Come on!
19:29Come on!
19:30Good work, Quigley!
19:32We don't have any guns, Quigley!
19:34What are we going to do?
19:35Starker!
19:36It's blood of the Wanderboden!
19:42Listen, you go around that way, I'll go around this way.
19:47Be careful, Siegfried!
19:49What do you mean, be careful, you sissy?
19:52They have no guns.
19:53What can they do?
19:57Besides that...
19:59Excuse me, Siegfried.
20:19Where could they have gone?
20:20Where could they have gone?
20:31Starker!
20:32Quickly, I don't think it was a very good idea to hide him!
20:36Shhh!
20:37Very Starker!
20:38Seal the tunnel!
20:42Oh!
20:44Can't see it?
20:58Prepare the sleds.
21:02What about the dogs?
21:04We don't need the dogs. We're going south, yeah?
21:07Yeah.
21:07It's downhill all the way.
21:09What do we do? We can't get out now.
21:12Try and look on the bright side, 99.
21:14What's that?
21:15They can't get in.
21:19Push!
21:21Push!
21:22Listen.
21:23Push!
21:26Push!
21:29Listen, we've got to get out there and stop that fan.
21:31But how can we?
21:32I don't know.
21:33Maybe I can take this off.
21:37Ow, that's not worth it.
21:40Oh, somehow.
21:41It's no good, Quigley.
21:47This ice is like steel.
21:48Oh, it's so frustrating.
21:52Quigley, you did it!
21:54Come on, let's go out and stop that fan.
21:56There's no switch out here.
22:13It must be controlled by a power transmitter somewhere hidden underground.
22:17Look!
22:17Our supplies!
22:19Oh, 99, how can you think of food at a time like this?
22:22We've got to stop that fan.
22:23No, you don't understand.
22:25We brought dynamite.
22:26Right, the dynamite.
22:28We can blow that thing sky high.
22:38Hurry, Quigley.
22:40Are you ready?
22:42Ready.
22:42Hurry.
22:43Hurry.
22:44Come on, let's go.
22:49Quigley!
22:50You have a dynamite in your head!
22:52Dynamite!
22:55Run!
23:06You did it!
23:08That ends Professor Stanislavski's mad scheme.
23:12I'm so proud of you, Quigley.
23:15I can't wait to tell Max and the chief.
23:17Yeah, and General Quinton, and Admiral Christian, and...
23:20The General's name is Christian, the Admiral's name is Creighton,
23:23and then there's Colonel Quigley was...
23:25No, you're Quigley.
23:26The fellas.
23:27The fellas.
23:27The fellas.
23:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
23:57¶¶
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