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  • hace 3 meses
Max substitutes at the CONTROL spy school for a day, helping two new agents Agents 198 (Fred Willard) and 199 who are lacking in their tailing skills. As a good exercise, Max has the new agents tail 99, who is on her day off, as she completes errands and shops for the upcoming wedding. However, unbeknownst to Max, the Chief had assigned 99 to pick up components of a scientific formula, leading the rookie agents to think she is acting suspiciously. Of course 99 spots the rookies right away and assumes that they must be KAOS agents. There is also a funny scene between Max and the Chief involving the Cone of Silence. The title of the episode references Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities.

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00:00Ninety-nine?
00:17Sorry.
00:20Ninety-nine?
00:24Ninety-nine?
00:30Ninety-nine?
00:39Max, what are you doing here so early?
00:41I didn't expect you until eleven.
00:42Well, something came up.
00:43What?
00:44One of the teachers at the control training school got sick,
00:46and I'm going to have to take his place,
00:47so I won't be able to go shopping with you today.
00:49Listen, do you mind if I use some of this lotion?
00:51My hands are a little chapped.
00:53That's not hand lotion.
00:54That's quick-setting hair gel.
00:55Oh, Max, you were going to help me make some last-minute wedding preparations.
01:02Yes, well, I'm sorry, Ninety-nine,
01:04but you'll have to go shopping by yourself.
01:08But I've got so many places I have to go.
01:10I have to go to the florist shop and to the bridal shop and to the caterers.
01:14Well, I promised the chief that I would do this for him,
01:16and I can't back out now, so I'll see you later.
01:20Okay.
01:31Goodbye.
01:39Ninety-nine, the chief is calling you on the calm file.
01:41Thank you, forty-nine.
01:45Yes, chief?
01:46Ninety-nine, I'm sorry.
01:47I know it's your day off, but I have an urgent assignment that must be completed before nightfall.
01:52Oh, chief, I have so many errands I have to run today.
01:55I'm aware of that, Ninety-nine,
01:56so I've arranged it so that you can do your errands and the assignment simultaneously.
02:00Now, you're familiar with the gall formula?
02:02Yes, that's the formula we divided into three parts so that if Chaos got hold of it,
02:06they wouldn't be able to use it.
02:07Right.
02:07Now, one of these parts has been hidden in each of the three places that you'll be shopping in today
02:11as part of your wedding preparations.
02:13The flower shop, the catering service, the bridal shop.
02:16So I can do my errands and really be picking up pieces of the gall formula.
02:19Exactly.
02:20Now, as you complete each segment of this assignment, I want you to check in with me.
02:23If you like, you can take one of those new comb phones.
02:25Oh, that would be terrific.
02:27It's a marvelous device.
02:28Which one of our agents developed it?
02:30Well, as a matter of fact, Ninety-nine, it was my idea.
02:32Whatever gave you the idea of turning a comb into a phone?
02:35Well, Ninety-nine, what else am I going to do with a comb?
02:37All right.
03:05¶¶
03:35All right, men.
03:48I'm your substitute teacher for today, and my name is...
03:54Sir, you use the invisible chalk.
04:01Now, if you'll erase what you just wrote,
04:03then what you just wrote will appear.
04:04I know that.
04:17You can just call me 86.
04:20Very well, gentlemen.
04:21As the first order of the day, I shall call the roll.
04:26Lundy?
04:27Here, sir.
04:28Russo?
04:29Yo.
04:30Zillingham, Farley, Bailey, and Basilevich.
04:38Uh, who are you?
04:39I'm Tina.
04:40Well, I'm sorry, Tina, but I don't seem to see your name here on the roll.
04:43I'm not a student.
04:45I'm his girlfriend.
04:46I'm afraid that's against the rules.
04:48I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave.
04:49Okay.
04:50Okay.
04:50Caruso, you ought to know better than to bring an outsider into this classroom.
05:05He does it every day, and every day she gets thrown out.
05:09Well, why do you do that?
05:10I like to watch her leave.
05:12Caruso, this is a highly secret training class,
05:15and that girl could very easily be an enemy spot.
05:18No problem.
05:18I've been checking her out for the past few weeks.
05:20And she's okay?
05:21She's sensational.
05:23Where's the rest of the class?
05:25They're rehearsing for the graduation exercises.
05:27Well, why aren't you two with them?
05:28Well, because it doesn't look like we're going to be graduating.
05:31Yes, I see.
05:32First of all, you're very weak in two very important espionage subjects.
05:37Your grades are alarming and disarming,
05:40and you're failing in tailing.
05:42Well, gentlemen, I happen to be an expert in both those subjects.
05:46You see, the whole trick is in coordination, timing,
05:50and agility.
05:54Now, our first subject will be tailing.
05:56Now, our first subject will be tailing.
05:57Now, our first subject will be tailing.
05:58Now, our first subject will be tailing.
05:59Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:00Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:01Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:02Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:03Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:04Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:05Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:06Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:07Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:08Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:09Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:10Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:11Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:12Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:13Now, our first subject will be tailing.
06:14Okay, any questions?
06:39Our next subject will be the art of disarming.
06:42Now, the important thing to remember in disarming is that you must have two participants.
06:47The disarmer and the disarming.
06:49I'd like to have two volunteers, please.
06:52Okay, then, Caruso and Lundy.
06:55Why did it have to be us?
07:01All right, gentlemen, let's set up a little situation and see how you handle it.
07:06Now, Caruso, you will be a chaos agent robbing a control site.
07:11Lundy, you will come in, and you will find them robbing the safe, and you will pull a gun on them.
07:15Now, it will be your job to disarm them.
07:17Okay?
07:17Let's see how you do it.
07:25Safe's over here.
07:25Oh.
07:28It's fine.
07:28It's fine.
07:29Oh.
08:41I'm going to give you a simple little tailing assignment.
08:43My fiancé is spending the day shopping.
08:45As a matter of fact, right at this very moment, she's in that bridal shop across the street.
08:49Now, your job will be to follow her for the entire day.
08:52Make a complete report of her activities and turn it in to me by 6 o'clock this evening.
08:56That shouldn't be hard.
08:57A lot harder than you think, Lundy.
08:58You see, Agent 99 happens to be one of Control's shadowing experts.
09:02As a matter of fact, she won the Lamont Cranston Award three years in a row.
09:06She has an uncanny feeling for knowing when she's being followed.
09:09How will we recognize her?
09:11Very simple.
09:12Her official control photograph is in this envelope.
09:15Well, that's about it.
09:16Good luck, men.
09:17And remember, when you are following someone, the important thing is to remain inconspicuous.
09:21Inconspicuous.
09:22Inconspicuous.
09:22Right.
09:4599 calling Control.
09:46Come in, Chief.
09:47What is it, 99?
09:4899, Chief, I just left the bridal shop, but all they gave me was a piece of material.
09:5299, that material has metallic threads running through it.
09:56Those threads are actually micro-recording wires that contain the first part of the golf formula.
10:00How clever.
10:02Is that her?
10:06I can't tell.
10:08Hmm.
10:09Now that looks more like her.
10:10That's her.
10:11Chief, I'll click in again after I leave Carlisle's catering service.
10:15Chief, there are two chaos agents following me.
10:18Uh-oh, I didn't think they'd be on to us this fast.
10:20Are you sure, 99?
10:21I'll check.
10:37I'm sure, Chief.
10:38All right, 99, if you can, lose them.
10:40Meanwhile, I'll put a couple of men on to tail them and protect you.
10:43Right, Chief.
10:45Larrabee, I need a couple of men for surveillance duty.
10:47Who's available?
10:48No, wait a minute.
10:48On second thought, I'll look in the control file of the graduating class.
10:52Why the graduating class, Chief?
10:54Because chaos knows what all our agents look like.
10:57Those control bubble gum cards we came out with last year backfired.
11:00We need on this assignment or a couple of agents chaos has never seen.
11:03Well, how about him, Chief?
11:04No, he can't be spared.
11:06They're rehearsing the graduation exercise today and he's doing the tenor solo and you'll never walk alone.
11:10Oh, these two look all right to me.
11:13Rookie control agents 198 and 199.
11:16Contact them immediately and have them stake out Carlisle's catering service.
11:2099 should be arriving there any minute now.
11:22Tell them not to contact her directly, but be on the lookout for two chaos agents who are following her.
11:26Do you think they can handle it, sir?
11:27They look capable enough to me.
11:40Just went into the catering store.
12:00Who did?
12:01Agent 99.
12:02Huh.
12:03Did you spot the two chaos agents the Chief said are following 99?
12:06Not yet, but we'll know when we see them.
12:08One's short like you, the other's tall like me.
12:1099 just came out of the catering store.
12:1599 calling control.
12:17Come in, Chief.
12:18How are things going, 99?
12:19Oh, just fine, Chief.
12:20I'm just leaving catering service.
12:22They gave me a sample menu with gravy spots all over it.
12:25Is the menu in code, Chief?
12:27No, 99.
12:27The gravy spots are in code.
12:29Are you still being tailed by those two chaos agents?
12:32Yes, Chief.
12:33They're just up the street.
12:35One is reading a newspaper and the other's hiding in the mailbox.
12:37Well, don't worry.
12:38I've got a couple of our men watching them.
12:39Use evasive action and proceed to your next destination, the flower shop.
12:44Right, Chief.
12:49We'll wait here and see if she's being followed.
12:53Hold it.
12:54Two guys just came out of the catering store.
12:56Did the Chief say one is short and one is tall?
12:57Right.
12:58Then that's them.
12:58Let's go.
13:17Do you think we should follow 99 of the chaos agents?
13:19Well, there's no sense following the chaos agents.
13:21Why not?
13:21I saw the picture.
13:23Now, here's what we should do.
13:24We check back with the Chief.
13:25We tell them the two chaos guys went into the theater.
13:27Right.
13:27And we ask them if we should follow 99 or stay here with them.
13:30Right.
13:30You watch the door.
13:31I'll make the call.
13:32Right.
13:32This is the Chief.
13:40Oh, hello, 198.
13:41What's up?
13:44Well, obviously, the chaos agents are trying to shake you.
13:46Keep that theater under surveillance until they come out.
13:49No, don't worry about 99.
13:50As long as they're in that theater, 99 is safe.
13:53What's all that about 99, Chief?
13:57It's nothing, Max.
13:58Nothing.
13:58Is she in any danger?
14:00Max, I can't discuss it.
14:01Now, just a moment, Chief.
14:0399 is my future wife.
14:04We're getting married next week.
14:05If anybody has a right to know, it's me.
14:09All right, Max.
14:09I'll tell you something, but I don't want you to worry about it.
14:12I've sent 99 on a special assignment.
14:15At this very moment, her life may be in jeopardy.
14:17Okay.
14:18Now, tell me the part you don't want me to worry about.
14:20Well, that's it.
14:2299's on a top-secret mission.
14:24And don't ask me to tell you any more about it,
14:25because I'm not allowed to discuss it.
14:27Not even with me?
14:28Not even with you, Max.
14:29This case is a COS security risk.
14:31You know what that means?
14:32Yes.
14:33It can only be discussed under the cone of silence.
14:35Right.
14:36Well, why don't we use it, Chief?
14:38Because it isn't working properly.
14:39It still isn't working?
14:41It has never worked properly.
14:42Well, that's our fault, Chief.
14:44We never should have bought it at a discount place.
14:46We should have got it from the federal government.
14:48That was three years ago, Max.
14:49It was talk at the time that they might go out of business.
14:51Well, I insist that we use it, Chief.
14:57All right, Max.
15:01Chief, isn't there any way we can perfect that thing?
15:03Well, yes, Max, but unfortunately,
15:05Professor Cone, the man who invented the cone of silence,
15:07is out of the country.
15:08The cone of silence was invented by Professor Cone?
15:11That's right.
15:12That's funny.
15:13Doesn't look it.
15:14Okay, Chief.
15:17Let her go.
15:24The case I assigned 99 to has to do with the gall formula.
15:29What?
15:3099 is working on the gall formula.
15:33But why is she in danger?
15:35What?
15:35Why is she in danger?
15:38Who?
15:39What?
15:40Not what.
15:41Who?
15:44What?
15:46The case I assigned 99 to...
15:48I told you, Max, it's not working.
15:55Then I'm afraid, Chief,
15:57they will be forced to use controlled secret word file.
16:00Max, only in the most extreme emergencies
16:03are we permitted to use the controlled secret word file.
16:06Or when the cone of silence is not working.
16:10All right, Max.
16:11All right, Max.
16:41Telephone call, Chief.
16:56What?
16:56What?
17:56Thank you, Chief. I'll see you later.
18:14Oh, one last question, Chief.
18:16As long as we were using Control's secret word file, why did we have to do it under the cone of silence?
18:23That was going to be my next card to you, Max.
18:25Ninety-nine calling Control. Ninety-nine calling Control.
18:40Go ahead, Ninety-nine.
18:41Chief, I just came out of the florist shop and all they gave me was a nosegay.
18:45That nosegay comprises part three of the formula.
18:48Now, the number of petals on each flower represents a key equation. Be very careful with it.
18:52Right, Chief. I'll bring everything right into Control.
18:54No, take them over to Lum Fong's Chinese Hand Laundry.
18:58Chinese Hand Laundry?
18:59Lum Fong is Control's top cipher expert.
19:02Now, he'll take the three parts of the golf formula, break them down, and put them in a new code,
19:06which will look like laundry marks inside the collar of a shirt,
19:09which will then be sent to one of our scientists in Peru.
19:11Chief, you know the two chaos agents who've been following me?
19:14Now there's only one.
19:16One of the same two?
19:17No, it's a different one.
19:18I noticed him before, but I had no idea he was following me.
19:20Are you sure it's the same man?
19:22I'm absolutely positive.
19:24He's dressed a little bit unusually for August.
19:30How, how, how?
19:32Chief, maybe I'd better try to give him the slip before I go to Lum Fong's.
19:35No time for that. You've got to go there immediately.
19:38It'll take Lum Fong a couple of hours at least to correlate and recode that material.
19:42And that shirt must be on Control's 530 laundry flight to Peru.
19:45Right, Chief.
19:46I'll get Agents 198 and 199 directly over to Lum Fong's in case there's trouble.
19:51Good luck, 99.
20:04Hello.
20:05Hello.
20:06What can do for Rady?
20:07I'd like to speak to Lum Fong, please.
20:10I-Rum Fong?
20:11No, I have to speak to Lum Fong, like in Lum and Abner.
20:15I-Rum?
20:16Like Ron and Abner.
20:18Well, I'm Secret Agent 99.
20:20I have something for you.
20:22That, and that, and that.
20:25What am I supposed to do with this stuff?
20:27Where is formula?
20:29What do you mean, where's the formula?
20:31Wait a minute.
20:32You're supposed to know that.
20:34You're not Lum Fong.
20:36You very clever.
20:38You're right.
20:39I'm not Lum Fong.
20:41I'm not even Chinese.
20:44I-Yakuro Yamasaki.
20:46Japanese Chaos Agent.
20:48Being Master of Disguise can impersonate Chinese.
20:53Right that.
20:53All right.
20:57Drop the gun and stay right where you are.
21:02Max!
21:04Merry Christmas, 99.
21:06I thought you were a Chaos Agent.
21:07Why are you dressed like a Santa Claus in August?
21:09Uh, yes, this.
21:11Well, you see, 99, Saturday night is the control costume party, and, uh, all the good costumes
21:15were gone.
21:16This was the only one left.
21:17Who's he?
21:18He's a Japanese Chaos Agent.
21:20You're Kuro Yamasaki.
21:22Kuro Yamasaki, eh?
21:24Max, the two Chaos Agents.
21:2699, they're not Chaos Agents.
21:28They're rookie control agents, Lundy and Caruso.
21:33Please not try to follow him if you want to rift.
21:3799, you go out front and tell Caruso and Lundy to cover the back.
21:40You stay here and cover the front.
21:41Be careful, Max.
21:49Pull them on.
21:50They sick with gung-tong-wama.
21:53Drop your gun.
21:55What?
21:56Sour Humphal.
21:57Oh.
22:02All right, smart.
22:03Don't come any crosser.
22:09So, the old flat iron and the hot coal strip, eh?
22:14Well, my friend, two can play that game.
22:23I think it's only fair to warn you, my friend, that I'm control's fencing and ironing expert.
22:34Now, I've frightened your face.
22:49Hold it, Yamasaki, the pants.
22:57Don't worry, my friend.
22:58I've never taken advantage of an on-arm man.
23:10All right, Lundy, Caruso, get him out of here.
23:12Right.
23:12Max, he almost got away with it.
23:19Yes, 99, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes,
23:23Life is like a pair of chopsticks.
23:25If you grab them, if you, uh...
23:28No, that's not...
23:29You know what I'm saying?
23:31Uh, life is like a shirt.
23:34If you lose your buttons, you...
23:36No, that's not...
23:39That's not...
23:39I've got it.
23:42Life is a comquat.
23:46That's it?
23:48Life isn't a comquat.
23:49Life isn't a comquat.
24:06Life isn't a comquat.
24:07Life isn't a comquat.
24:08Life isn't a comquat.
24:09Life isn't a comquat.
24:10Life isn't a comquat.
24:11Life isn't a comquat.
24:12Life isn't a comquat.
24:13Life isn't a comquat.
24:14Life isn't a comquat.
24:15Life isn't a comquat.
24:16Life isn't a comquat.
24:17Life isn't a comquat.
24:18Life isn't a comquat.
24:19Life isn't a comquat.
24:20Life isn't a comquat.
24:21Life isn't a comquat.
24:22Life isn't a comquat.
24:23Life isn't a comquat.
24:24Life isn't a comquat.
24:25Life isn't a comquat.
24:26Life isn't a comquat.
24:27Life isn't a comquat.
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