- 5 months ago
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00:00can you give clearance please break no Sandra I'm taking crotch watch today you get yourself
00:09back to the pilot's cock hit just checking you're all buckled up yep it's really kind
00:27what you did for me earlier sticking up for me like that when Sandra is being such a rude fucking
00:31pig slut oh it's okay honestly it was nothing no it was something and one could turn to serves
00:36another mr. Jennings I'm upgrading you really great thank you thank you thanks see you later
00:50father God is punishing us with turbulence because of me
01:00is there was this boy and well the Lord is not vengeful Susan really not while he has his
01:12willing shepherds there to do his work for him to smite the wicked on his behalf
01:19now what were you saying about a boy oh nothing would you like to pray some more
01:26we're losing control we may have crashed but we landed in a paradise we're living in the dream
01:43right we're so wrong so right we are the survivors of flight ai1433
01:53we are on an island somewhere in the Indian Ocean and urgently need help
01:59all escape efforts are being prevented by a mentally unstable air steward Brett Sullivan
02:06save our souls
02:08smoke
02:13oh fuck
02:17shit
02:22I can't take this anymore we need to talk I haven't got time for any of this Susan there's
02:37another island there's people enough of your foe we need to talk talk about what
02:42about us look it was just a kiss it was a kiss wasn't even a passionate kiss it was just a peck
02:48and and oh well I suppose there was some sort of rubbing I mean we rubbed for like a second but
02:54Susan there's another island
02:58if you're gonna keep up all of this we're not together stuff then I'm leaving you okay it's over
03:04and if you need me I will be in the cave okay don't bother trying to come and find me in the cave okay
03:12we're a trophy waiting for you up in the back on the ride by a boulder it's over
03:18it's over
03:32It actually reattached itself.
03:36Nearly.
03:37I nearly got it.
03:38Guys, there's another island.
03:40A what?
03:41Where?
03:42Were there people?
03:43Did you see people?
03:44I didn't see anyone, but there was smoke.
03:46So I think we need to build the raft and get over there.
03:48Good idea, Douglas.
03:49You see, you can do it.
03:51Thanks, Harriet.
03:52A rival island.
03:54Great, that's all we need.
03:55Douglas, has it occurred to you you might be hallucinating?
03:57You're looking very hot and very botchy, OK?
04:00This could all just be sunstroke.
04:01No, no, I saw it through the camera, Brett.
04:03Well, let me see.
04:05Well, no, you can't, because I was so excited,
04:07and I dropped the camera and it smashed.
04:09That's very convenient, isn't it?
04:11Very good, Douglas.
04:12He's pulling our legs, everyone.
04:14It's just a joke.
04:15No, I know what I saw, Brett.
04:17Well, I say we take our chances.
04:19This is wonderful news.
04:20Where is Susan?
04:20We have to tell Susan.
04:21I've already told Susan.
04:22She's in the cave.
04:25Nobody seems to care.
04:26There are other people, aren't there?
04:27Do you fancy building a raft?
04:28Why haven't they got Bear Grylls on their team?
04:30We're going to be fucked.
04:31There is no other island.
04:33Why are you doing this, Douglas?
04:35We've washed up in paradise, and all you want to do is leave.
04:38There's another island, Brett.
04:40The last thing the pilot said to me before he died
04:43is you would try something like this.
04:45This pilot of yours,
04:47he packed a lot of important messages
04:49into his last iron breath, didn't he?
04:52He said you'd say that.
04:53Douglas?
05:01Knock, knock.
05:04Oh, Susan.
05:06What's wrong?
05:07My father was right.
05:09Men are evil.
05:11Yes, he was right, Susan.
05:13Straight men are evil.
05:14What happened?
05:15It was Douglas.
05:16Douglas?
05:17It was about a week ago.
05:19What was?
05:22Well, it was more than the ten seconds stare
05:25and less than making a baby.
05:29OK.
05:36Right.
05:37I want you to be really brave, Susan.
05:39Take these shells
05:40and show me exactly what he did to you.
05:44Bastard!
05:45OK, Susan, don't be afraid.
05:56Whenever you're ready, you just show me.
05:58Oh, that was it.
06:06He took advantage of you, didn't he?
06:08Well, I did ask him to stroke my hair.
06:10Ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:11That is just detail.
06:13You are nothing more than a lone,
06:14mentally disturbed little lamb
06:16picked off by a dirty, mangy,
06:19old, overexcited wolf
06:20with blotchy heat rash.
06:22That's what he was doing to you, wasn't he?
06:24Well, maybe, but I think that...
06:26This is a serious assault, Susan.
06:29I am not going to stand for someone on this island
06:31being so emotionally hurt by Douglas' actions.
06:35And I don't think he should have sexually assaulted you, either.
06:38He's going to pay for it.
06:39What the hell is he doing?
06:46He should be helping us,
06:47not wandering around the island
06:48like the bloody Pied Piper.
06:51Right, I think we're going to need more bamboo.
06:54Don't you think this whole rafty thing
06:55is a bit played out?
06:57Look.
06:59Oh, God.
07:00The only thing that comes and goes off this island
07:02are birds.
07:04We should build a glider.
07:06Right, OK. You finished?
07:07I've never seen no-one do a glider
07:09to escape an island.
07:10Weird, that, isn't it?
07:13Look, Arnab, you can do your glider,
07:15but I've got to get on with this raft,
07:16so can you go and get some more bamboo?
07:20Well, Arnab, remember, bamboo is a plant.
07:24Don't bring back any more lizards.
07:25Breathslog, breathslog.
07:30Breathslog.
07:31We have ventured hither and thither
07:33across hill and dale,
07:35a treacherous journey
07:36from the caves of forgotten souls
07:39through the forest of doom
07:41to the ancient relics...
07:43What do you want, Brett? I'm busy.
07:45It's so cruel of Douglas
07:46to get your hopes up like this.
07:48It's just not fair.
07:49There is no other island.
07:50He's doing it to distract us
07:52from the most heinous of crimes.
07:54That's why we have come
07:56to consult the elder.
07:59Turn that thing off, Brett.
08:01For goodness sake,
08:01drop this elder's rubbish.
08:02It's very irritating.
08:03Just tell me what is going on.
08:05Susan, show the ancient one
08:07what the devil did unto you.
08:11Oh.
08:12It was Douglas, he and I.
08:16We... we...
08:17Spit it out, Susan.
08:18Ow!
08:19Jesus Christ, Harriet!
08:20Douglas kissed me
08:24and then I... we...
08:25Oh, come on!
08:26Ow!
08:28Harriet, stop!
08:29That might have worked
08:30when you were a head teacher,
08:31but those dark days are over now.
08:33Susan, I will show the old lady
08:36what he did to you.
08:37I think it's probably best
08:39if you leave.
08:42Oh, bless her heart, Harriet.
08:44I'll show you exactly
08:46what she showed me.
08:48Oh, it's dirty.
08:54I love a baby today.
08:57I'm going to be around here.
08:58I'm going to be around here.
09:01Help me here.
09:02Ow!
09:07I don't know my anus.
09:09I'm going to be around here.
09:11Stop!
09:12No, I'll kill her.
09:13Eat, eat, eat, eat.
09:14Bert! Please, no, Bert, stop!
09:23These are very serious allegations.
09:26Oh, just look at him, Harriet.
09:28No one who wants to escape to his imaginary island.
09:31He knows justice is closing in on him.
09:33He needs to stand trial with you as judge.
09:37Can't we just talk to him as adults?
09:39Yeah, I hear you, Harriet.
09:41We need to take him down, bring him in and fucking destroy him.
09:45No, that's not what I said, Bert.
09:46Do you know what makes this worse, Harriet?
09:48It's all my fault.
09:50I'm the one that gave her the makeover that got him all excited in the first place.
09:53You're being ridiculous.
09:54Count yourself lucky you didn't agree to one of my makeovers, Harriet.
09:57Douglas would have been up your vaginas faster than a dog on roller skates.
10:11Oh, come on.
10:19Lizzie?
10:20Lizzie Q, are you all right?
10:22What's wrong?
10:23Breathe, breathe.
10:25Um, okay, maybe try and sing a song.
10:28What's your favorite song?
10:30The only song I've ever heard outside of church this year is Believe.
10:34No, no, that's really shit.
10:37All right, let me think.
10:38I can do a song for you, yeah?
10:40Um, check it out.
10:44This goes out to a very special girl.
10:47It's the beautiful Susie Q, a.k.a. the precious pearl.
10:50If I had your number, I would text you.
10:52I'd never cheat you, I would treat you.
10:55And like those shells on those turtles, I'll protect you.
11:00Wow, that was really good.
11:04Thanks.
11:05Can I ask you a question?
11:07Yes, I'd love to.
11:09How do I make Douglas more interested in me?
11:14Um, maybe you could, like, make him jealous or something.
11:18That normally works.
11:19I could help you.
11:20How?
11:21Just a thought.
11:23Maybe, like, you could have loads of sex right in front of him
11:25with, like, another man from the island.
11:27That would make him really, really jealous.
11:31So, the more sex that you have, the sexier you become?
11:35Yeah, look at me.
11:37Hey, we could work together as a team.
11:40Hmm.
11:41And that sexy stuff is very interesting, Arnav.
11:44I'm not sure about the team part, but you have given me an idea.
11:48It's the idea to have sex with me?
11:49No.
11:50Right.
11:51But thank you.
11:52You're welcome.
11:52Don't hate the player.
11:57Hate the game.
12:07You're gonna help, Brett!
12:09Why should I, pervert?
12:11Arnav, what are you doing?
12:26And why are you looking so sweaty?
12:27Oh, Brother Susan.
12:28Oh, not you as well.
12:30No, I was trying to help her.
12:32Oh, is that what you call it?
12:33Listen, Arnav, I've got something to tell you, all right?
12:36It's gonna be very difficult for you to hear.
12:38But Douglas has done the worst thing you could ever do to a woman.
12:42To Susan.
12:43What, a flicked doctor at the back of a coat?
12:45Not that.
12:46I'll write something much, much worse.
12:49And he needs to be punished.
12:54What?
12:55Okay.
12:56He said your glider idea was a stinking load of shit.
12:58What?
12:59Yeah.
13:00A senior head of island security.
13:03I need you to take him down, bring him in, and fucking destroy him.
13:08Hi, Susan.
13:16You okay?
13:17Oh, I'm better than okay.
13:19Because I've been having lots and lots of sex.
13:23Susan, what are you talking about?
13:25Oh, interested in me now, are you?
13:28Suddenly, all of a sudden, I have your attention with my having lots and lots of sex.
13:33Susan, are you sure you should be smoking cigarettes with your asthma?
13:43Mm-hmm.
13:44Pack the bag.
13:45Come on.
13:46Good girl, good girl.
13:55Keep your filthy paws up, Mum.
13:56Don't bring you in.
14:00Quiet!
14:02I've got it!
14:05Order!
14:06Order!
14:07Order in the court!
14:09I rest my case.
14:32Members of the jury, Your Honour, it is with a heavy heart that I approach this bench.
14:42This is the toughest case I have ever had to represent in my entire life.
14:46Not least because it involves prosecuting a man I once loved and who loved me.
14:53A man who has betrayed me.
14:59Mr Jennings, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
15:06I do, dammit, I do.
15:08You are to aid Attorney Sullivan here in a faithful simulation of the aforementioned sexual act, what you done did.
15:15Fine, but don't blame me if I get turned on, Brett, and end up shooting my muck all over this courtroom.
15:22If there's one thing I am guilty of, it's having the hots for you, Brett.
15:25You'd make even the straightest of men turn a little bit gay, Brett.
15:29Brett?
15:32Brett!
15:33Brett!
15:34Oh, come on, guys!
15:37Why are you doing this?
15:39Oh, Judge Harriet, finally!
15:41My key witness has gone AWOL.
15:42Can you just let me have a short recess so I may go and find her?
15:45This is so stupid!
15:46What am I even supposed to have done?
15:48Look, we need to build this raft and get over to that other island!
15:51Pfft!
15:52You just want to escape because you know we're about to fuck you up!
15:54Look, let's stop this silliness and talk about this like adults!
15:57Untie the map!
15:58No, Harriet!
15:59I can't let you do that!
16:00Arnab, if she tries anything, you are going to need to spark her out!
16:04But she's a High Court judge!
16:05Look, you can either do my shit for me, or I can fuck shit up for you!
16:10Don't listen to him, Arnab!
16:11Don't do his shit, Arnab!
16:12If he wants shit doing, he should do it himself!
16:14Stop making you do his shit!
16:15Shit?
16:16I don't know.
16:17Okay, fine, Brett.
16:18I'll do your shit.
16:19But next time you need shit doing, I might have my own shit to do so you'll have to find
16:24someone else to do your shit!
16:25Shit!
16:26Susan, what are you doing up here?
16:27The trial's falling apart down there!
16:28We can't let Douglas get away with betraying us both!
16:31This is your chance to stand up for ourselves!
16:34To finally show people they can't mess with us!
16:37We are strong, angry women like Thelma and Louise!
16:40Who are they?
16:41You don't know?
16:42Oh my god, Susan, you are in for a treat!
16:44Thelma and Louise is this little film about a timid woman called Thelma and Louise,
16:48you and her fiery mate Louise, me, right?
16:49I shoot a man for trying to rape you!
16:50Let's just call him Douglas!
16:51We flee to Mexico where you get to fall in love with Brad Pitt!
16:55Thelma inspired a generation of squirrelly, mousy women.
16:56You know, people, they can't mess with us!
16:57They can't mess with us!
16:58We are strong, angry women like Thelma and Louise!
16:59Who are they?
17:00You don't know?
17:01Oh my god, Susan, you are in for a treat!
17:02Thelma and Louise is this little film about a timid woman called Thelma, you, and
17:03a fiery mate Louise.
17:04Me, right?
17:05I shoot a man for trying to rape you!
17:07Let's just call him Douglas!
17:09We flee to Mexico where you get to fall in love with Brad Pitt!
17:14Thelma inspired a generation of squirrelly, mousy women not to be afraid to just flick
17:20their bitch switch!
17:21Bitch switch?
17:22Yes!
17:23And become totally new women who you can't fuck with!
17:26Who won't take anyone's shit anymore!
17:28Shit!
17:29Yeah!
17:30The thing about Thelma is she only started living, Susan, when she finally stood up
17:34for herself!
17:35Yes!
17:36Yes!
17:37Understand the message of the parable of Thelma!
17:39Yeah!
17:40I got a semblance that pushed me around!
17:42That's right, Susan!
17:43Yeah!
17:44What happened to Thelma at the end of that movie?
17:46It doesn't matter!
17:47It won an Oscar!
17:48Go on Oscar!
17:49I'm really sorry, Judge Harriet, but as senior head of art and security, it's my job to
17:58spark you out if you try any sneaky shit!
18:00Stand aside, Arnabur, it'll be me sparking you up!
18:03Don't untie him!
18:06Untie him!
18:07Goodie Susan is here!
18:08And she will tell all!
18:16Arnab, untie Douglas!
18:19Oh, Arnab, Arnab!
18:20Now!
18:21What?
18:23What?
18:24You're supposed to be standing up to the men that are manipulating you!
18:27I am, Brett!
18:28And you're the first!
18:30Arrgh!
18:32You grateful little bitch!
18:34What did I tell you, Arnab?
18:35We've been wasting our time, yet again!
18:37This is just more of your ridiculous dramas, Brett!
18:40Oh, shut up, Harriet!
18:41If they ever make a film of this, nobody's going to want to play your part!
18:45They'd have to CGI you!
18:46And even then they won't be able to find a computer that would be able to render you
18:49without sticking up a load of megabytes!
18:51Oh, sticks and stones, Brett!
18:52Sticks and stones!
18:53Yeah!
18:54Just so you know, I'm going to put the truth of all of this in my blog!
18:58So if you've got anything to say, say it now!
19:01Because I am about to destroy you all!
19:04And Thelma!
19:05Know this!
19:06You get what you settle for!
19:17Good work, Susan!
19:25This cloud is going to be sick!
19:34Oh, hey, Susan!
19:35Hey, look, thanks for sorting that out earlier!
19:38Glad you got your head round it!
19:40I mean, after all, it was just a peg!
19:41Don't you dare!
19:42Hey, Susan!
19:43Me!
19:44I am like Thelma, from Thelma and the Louise!
19:47Where's all this come from?
19:49Oh!
19:50Shut your pie-hole!
19:53Susan, this isn't you speaking!
19:55This is Brett!
19:56And also, it's Thelma and Louise, not Selma!
20:00Look, the thing you have to understand about the film is...
20:02How dare you try to explain the plot of a film to me that I haven't even seen!
20:07You're mansplaining me!
20:09Oh, no, that's not mansplaining!
20:12What mansplaining actually...
20:13How dare you mansplain...
20:17Mansplaining to me, you mansplainer!
20:20I am not your ex-wife, Douglas!
20:22I'm the bitch you can't mess with!
20:24Do you understand?
20:25Do you want me to flip my bitch switch?
20:27No, actually, I...
20:28I'd really rather you didn't...
20:30Suck on my dick, Douglas!
20:41Now that is sexy!
20:43I guess I just need to give myself a little bit more me time.
20:46I mean, my problem is...
20:48I throw myself out there and just get everything shoved back in my face!
20:53We are the survivors of flight AI-1433.
21:09We are on an island somewhere in the Indian Ocean and urgently need help.
21:13All escape efforts are being prevented by a mentally unstable air steward, Brett Sullivan.
21:19Fuck!
21:20Save our souls.
21:30Brett!
21:31It's too late, Harriet!
21:32I'm gonna kill myself!
21:34What on earth do you think you're doing?
21:37Argh!
21:38Put yourself together!
21:39I needed that, Harriet!
21:40Why is everyone so fucking ungrateful?
21:41You're so quiet, Harriet!
21:42But I know that you hate me!
21:43I don't hate you, brat!
21:44I mean, I dislike you 75 to 80% of the time, but...
21:45You know, if there's one thing I've learnt...
21:47It's never...
21:48Give up.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Thanks, Harriet.
21:51I try and be nice, but...
21:53Sometimes my mouth just can't stop saying the things that I think!
21:56I do understand.
21:58You know, if a movie ever...
21:59It's a movie ever...
22:00You know, I do understand.
22:02You know, if a movie ever-
22:03It's a movie ever-
22:05You know, I'm fucking ungrateful.
22:06I'm fucking ungrateful!
22:07You're so kind, Harriet, but I know that you hate me!
22:10I don't hate you, brat!
22:12I dislike you 75 to 80% of the time, but...
22:15You know, if there's one thing I've learnt, it's never give up.
22:16you know if a movie ever gets released about our time here the only actress capable of playing you
22:21with the emotional depth needed would be stream
22:30you see it's not all bad brett why don't you have a think about who would play you
22:33ryan gosling of course i'd be every actress fucking dream me
22:38guys i've done it i've done it him out oh i named this glider susan
22:45i wish you success and all those who fly up her
22:49wow come on this is for all the people who didn't believe in me mr hayden
22:57saggy is dead and fuck you douglas this is for my mom judge harrier my main man brett
23:04and susan you always believed in me now to the island
23:15oh my pelvis is definitely bust oh
23:21shit this might be the last time we see them they will die here we can't hear you brett
23:27this is it the other island it's incredible it's so naughty how do you know that choc-a-chocs away
23:34no they're not chocolate they're drugs what happened in the cockpit brett
23:38nothing happened in the cockpit sandra bullshit
23:46funny movie tomorrow night channel four nine o'clock and it's melissa mccarthy and jason bateman
23:50joined together at the comedy hip for identity thief first dates next tonight a brazilian bum lift
23:56surely guarantees success
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