- 5 months ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Can I be of assistance, madam?
00:09Yes, I need to be moved.
00:10I specifically ask not to be sat next to an infant.
00:13Well, you don't look like you should be on the register.
00:15But then what do I know?
00:16Can I just speak to your supervisor, please?
00:18There is no one more senior than I.
00:20Hey, sorry, guys.
00:22I think somebody needs to change their philosophy, Meg.
00:30That looks a bit of a handful.
00:34Would you like me to help you shut it in?
00:39Listen, Brett.
00:42Yes?
00:44Stay out of my way.
01:00We're losing control!
01:06Chop, chop.
01:08Fortune favours the bowl.
01:09We need to find food.
01:11We need water.
01:12There's nothing going on.
01:13It's all right.
01:27Is she dead?
01:29Step back, everyone.
01:30There is nothing to see here.
01:31It's probably just natural pauses.
01:33Brett's to be careful.
01:35She could change at any moment.
01:43She's got a lot of feeling.
01:47I've got you now.
01:49I've got you a turtle.
01:54Ah!
01:54Ah!
01:56Ta-da!
01:56What on earth are you doing?
02:01Bloody hell, Harry.
02:02You're such an attention seeker.
02:04Full salam, everyone.
02:05She's alive.
02:12My wife could see me now.
02:14She'd probably puke.
02:15Your kids would be like,
02:16why is Dad eating one of the Ninja Turtles?
02:19I've got to eat, guys.
02:20We've nearly run out of food.
02:21Yeah.
02:21And I think this green Thai curry is definitely on the turn.
02:24It's orange juice, Arnab.
02:25I think it's safe to say it's already turned.
02:28Listen, I know it's the elephant on the island,
02:30but can I just moot the idea that at some point
02:32we may well have to eat each other?
02:34Like zombies.
02:34Exactly.
02:35So if anyone's carrying a donor card,
02:37let me know,
02:38just so we know, you know,
02:38what to steer clear of,
02:39work our way around.
02:41Please, this is ridiculous.
02:43I was thinking of you actually, Harriet.
02:45I mean, if you'd been dead this morning,
02:46how do you think we'd all feel
02:47finding a donor card
02:48having just polished off your liver and kidneys?
02:50Look, we're not going to have to eat each other,
02:51not when we've got this delicious turtle.
02:54Look, anyone fancy some?
02:57Tastes just like chicken.
03:01Look different, Susan.
03:02Oh, I knew you would notice.
03:05Don't you think she looks fabulous?
03:07Brett gave me another makeover.
03:09Show her on that little seductive look I taught you.
03:12And turn.
03:15Blick.
03:21No, Susan, watch the master at work.
03:32Oh, that's sexy.
03:43Very sexy.
03:45Do you have any idea what we're facing here?
03:47Ah, a miserable old cow.
03:48Guys, come on.
03:49Look, we've been stranded here for over a week.
03:51You know, we've run out of food.
03:52We don't have any idea
03:53if anyone's going to come and rescue us.
03:55Every day is a battle to survive.
03:57I've done nothing but care for everyone on this island, Harriet.
04:00Oh, you have done something, Brett.
04:02You've extinguished our fire.
04:04You've failed to alert the one boat we saw passing.
04:07You've ruined our dinghy.
04:09Everything you have done here, Brett,
04:11has made a bad situation worse.
04:14I'm feeling so hurt and shocked right now, Harriet.
04:17I don't know whether to cry or...
04:19or smash your face in with his conch.
04:20You are such a liability, Brett.
04:22I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the one responsible
04:24for bringing down the plane in the first place.
04:25What's that supposed to mean?
04:27Goodness.
04:29Have I touched a nerve?
04:30Whoever smelt it, Harriet, dealt it.
04:33I mean, who would benefit the most
04:34from accusing someone of bringing down the plane
04:37other than the person who actually bought the plane down?
04:40I mean, what do we actually know about you, Harriet?
04:44Not much.
04:45You're old.
04:46You're mentally unstable.
04:48You have incontinence problems
04:50and you never let that case out of your sight.
04:52So what are you packing in there, Mary Poppins?
04:55What's hidden behind that little combination look of yours, hmm?
04:59My things, Brett.
05:01My private things.
05:03Nothing to do with you.
05:06I'm really...
05:07Very interesting, Harriet.
05:08Oh, you two are like Magneto and Xavier.
05:22Two sides of the same coin.
05:23One of you can do things with metal
05:25and the other one's in a wheelchair.
05:28Look, I'm going to get out there
05:29and try and catch some more of these.
05:30I'll come with you.
05:32Really?
05:33Yeah.
05:33OK.
05:34Anyone else?
05:36Please?
05:37It's nice, isn't it, Douglas?
05:44Just the two of us.
05:46Yep.
05:47At last.
05:48Sure, yeah.
05:49Man and woman alone.
05:51Nature intended.
05:54Free.
05:55Wild.
05:57Passionate.
06:00Oh, God.
06:02You OK?
06:03Sorry, huff.
06:05It's a turtle that's repeating on me.
06:08Fine.
06:11Brits vlog.
06:12Br-br-br-brits vlog.
06:13Br-br-br-br-br-br-br-brits vlog.
06:16Today, I'm not just helping the ungrateful survivors on this island.
06:20And I'm reaching out to someone who wasn't lucky enough to survive crashed flight AI-1433.
06:27Someone who instead was pulverised on impact.
06:32Although this idea is a little similar to the one Tom Hanks had in Cast Away,
06:35I just want to point out for the record, it is my idea.
06:38I, Britt Sullivan, vow to deliver this package unto Phil David from his aunt con.
06:47Wherever he may be, wherever he may roam, although hopefully it won't be too far from Sydney.
06:52A lot of people will probably say, Britt, you are a fucking legend for doing this, man.
06:57But I'm not doing it for that reason.
06:59I'm doing it for little David.
07:01And because his aunt con can no longer do it, because she's, she's basically pate.
07:06Little David, I'm coming for you.
07:10Uncle Brett is coming for you.
07:16Oh, today's wank has been sponsored by Ariana Grande and the Duchess of Cornwall.
07:27Thank you, ladies.
07:31Oh, shit.
07:34Treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure, treasure for me.
07:38Ha, ha, ha.
07:41Whoa, oh, my God.
07:51Sick.
07:54Oh, ho, ho, ho.
08:03If this was real fishing, Susan, to get the line out further, you'd have to flick the rod.
08:09Oh, well, I'd like to get your line out further, Douglas.
08:15I think flick the rod would work better as an innuendo.
08:18Douglas, I know that I'm not like this sophisticated older woman that you're used to, but since we had our kiss, I have realized that I have needs.
08:30Right.
08:30Like, the needs of Gideon and his wife.
08:34They had 71 sons, Douglas.
08:38I want to know what you have to do to get 71 sons.
08:42Look, Susan, I really like you, but I just don't think this is...
08:47Fish!
08:47You see the size of that one?
08:55Oh, the hair making me feel really wheezy.
08:58Well, probably use your inhaler if you're feeling wheezy, Susan.
09:02Whatever you say, Dr. Douglas.
09:04You're sure that's safe?
09:13Oh, yeah.
09:14I've seen the trailer for that film, The Fifty Shades of the Grey, so I know how it works.
09:19Baby.
09:23I'm so glad she's here.
09:26Baby.
09:29There's a whole thing in there.
09:31A whole thing.
09:32Yeah, look, I'm not sure that's how it works, Susan.
09:56Oh, Arnett, you're not fiddling with your doodle again.
10:01Oh, I don't want to see that.
10:02No, no, no, it's not mine.
10:04I found it on the beach.
10:05It's got to be a present.
10:07What, this?
10:07No.
10:08I'm just doing a really kind thing for a darling boy named little David.
10:11Brett, this thing is amazing.
10:14You can see for miles up here.
10:15It's like...
10:15Let's have a look.
10:16Hold this.
10:17Please be careful with it.
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:24This is great.
10:25We could use this to photograph Harriet's case.
10:29Get the combination lock.
10:30Finally find out what that bitch is packing.
10:33From now on, this is a secret operation, okay?
10:36Just you and me.
10:37Team Briner.
10:39Briner.
10:40Brett and Arnett.
10:41Yes.
10:42Brilliant.
10:44Team Briner!
10:45It's a secret operation.
10:48Team Briner.
11:02You want to be careful?
11:03Harriet, you're getting a shock.
11:05You need to remember, she may be 24, but she's obviously led a somewhat sheltered life.
11:09She clearly has the mind of a 13-year-old.
11:11Harriet, hi.
11:11Let me finish.
11:12Yes.
11:12She's a very young, very impressionable girl, and she needs to be protected.
11:16But I think she has more the mind of a 17-year-old.
11:18Can we say 17?
11:20She has the mind of a child.
11:21I don't disagree, but can we say a child that's at least 17 or 18?
11:26She needs to be looked after, Douglas, and not in a bad way.
11:30Yes, we are the same person.
11:32Who is the same person?
11:33I mean, we agree.
11:34I mean, that's what I think.
11:35That's what you think.
11:36I mean, that's what we think.
11:37I'm really sorry.
11:38Well, there's no need to apologise to me.
11:40No, you're right, because I haven't done anything wrong, have I?
12:04Well, I've been expecting you, Mr. Brett.
12:13What?
12:13Brett!
12:14Brett!
12:15Brett!
12:15Brett!
12:16Brett!
12:17Brett!
12:18Brett!
12:19Sorry, I know, but miles away.
12:34Pass me the camera, quickly.
12:35You don't know what you're messing with, Harriet.
12:41Harriet, you're balls deep with Team Brown.
12:52See, Douglas, it's easy when you know how.
12:57I thought you said you knew how to fish.
12:58I do.
12:59I went crabbing once in Dorset.
13:00I got loads.
13:01Harriet!
13:02Harriet, come quick!
13:03A monkey's got into a case.
13:05I tried to shoot him off, but he got really angry,
13:07and then he started doing his front mess all over your stuff.
13:09It was horrible!
13:11Douglas, take this!
13:12Quickly!
13:13Quick, quick!
13:15Quick, Harriet, quick!
13:18Oh, shit!
13:19It's got away!
13:20Shoot!
13:22Shoot!
13:22Shoot!
13:23Oh, shit!
13:24Oh, shit!
13:25Oh, shit!
13:26Oh, shit!
13:27Oh, shit!
13:28Oh, shit!
13:29Oh, shit!
13:30Oh, shit!
13:31Oh, shit!
13:32Oh, shit!
13:33Oh, shit!
13:34Oh, shit!
13:35Oh, shit!
13:43Yay!
13:44Yeah!
13:45Yeah!
13:46Where's that idiot?
13:47And where's my octopus?
13:48What, do you want the bad news or the good news, Harriet?
13:50Oh, don't dither, Douglas!
13:51Just tell me what's happened!
13:52It wasn't Douglas, it was my fault that it got let go.
13:56It just, it looked really sad and lost.
13:58What, like Douglas?
14:00Did look quite pissed off.
14:02We need to eat, for God's sake!
14:06Well, here's the good news!
14:09Dinner for five!
14:10Yes, please!
14:11You really are a tit, Douglas!
14:16Remember, if you see her coming, give me the signal.
14:19I'll be in and out before you know it.
14:20Wish me luck!
14:21Good luck, Chief!
14:22Shut up, Arnie!
14:23Eyes on me!
14:24What's upcoming!
14:27What that is,
14:28how was that...?
14:30He has told me that he sat down
14:31and gave me an easyvert point in his past
14:32and"-ISK zs Huef
14:36Four eyes.
15:05Mentalist.
15:06Shit.
15:07Goal!
15:08Goal!
15:09Goal!
15:10What on earth are you doing?
15:11What are you doing?
15:12Shut up.
15:13You're an idiot.
15:14You're an idiot.
15:15Enough!
15:16He was on it.
15:17The only person capable of doing something this stupid is you, Brett.
15:21Oh, shit.
15:22Oh, shit.
15:23You're an idiot.
15:24Enough!
15:25He was on it.
15:26The only person capable of doing something this stupid is you, Brett.
15:31Oh, shit.
15:32Ah!
15:33Ah!
15:34Ah!
15:35Ah!
15:36Ah!
15:37Ah!
15:38Ah!
15:39You dick!
15:40It was the monkey!
15:41Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:43Ah!
15:44Ah!
15:45Ah!
15:46Ah!
15:47Wow, he looks really hard and wrinkly.
15:49I wish we caught this little guy.
15:51Simon?
15:52Susan, I told you.
15:53If you name them, they'll just be harder to eat.
15:56Cuckoo!
15:57Cuckoo!
15:58Cuckoo!
15:59We're going to eat you.
16:00Yes, we are.
16:01Cuckoo!
16:02Cuckoo!
16:03Cuckoo!
16:04Guys, you need to come quick.
16:05Magneto, I mean Harriet, is going to kill Xavier.
16:08I mean Brett.
16:09What?
16:10Just hurry up and come.
16:11I swear that she's going to kill him.
16:13Ah!
16:14Ah!
16:15Ah!
16:16Ah!
16:17Ah!
16:18Ah!
16:19Ah!
16:20Ah!
16:21Ah!
16:22Ah!
16:23Ah!
16:24Ah!
16:25Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:28Ah!
16:29Ah!
16:30Ah!
16:31You dick!
16:32Shit!
16:33Ah!
16:34You've written my sleeve!
16:35This is my cider!
16:37Ah!
16:39Ah!
16:40Ah!
16:41Ah!
16:42Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:44Ah!
16:45He's been through my private possessions!
16:47She's a liar!
16:49You withered old hag.
16:50Rex, stop it. You are not being fair.
16:53What, you've only just noticed.
16:55Did you see the way she just had me with my tie?
16:57Did you see the way she took out that octopus?
16:58That is not the work of a retired headteacher.
17:01She is not who she says she is.
17:03Oh, this is ridiculous.
17:04Oh, really?
17:06Well, how do you explain this?
17:09It's an alarm clock.
17:11What of it?
17:14Well, how do you explain this, mule?
17:17She's been smuggling cocaine.
17:21I wouldn't do that, Brett.
17:26It really burns!
17:30Well, of course it burns.
17:31It's bath salts, you idiot.
17:33Oh, really?
17:35So how do you explain this?
17:39My bear, put that down.
17:41Ah.
17:42I found myself thinking,
17:43why would an old withered hag
17:46need a little baby bear
17:48unless she was smuggling something inside of it?
17:53No!
17:54Doug, what have you got in here, Harriet?
17:57What are you hiding?
17:58No.
17:59Is it guns?
18:00Bombs?
18:01Huh?
18:02Diamonds?
18:02You bop, sir!
18:04You heartless bop, sir!
18:07There!
18:08What did I tell you?
18:09I knew I'd break her eventually.
18:11She finally has to admit to who she really is.
18:14You have no idea what you're talking about.
18:17You're weaving a web of lies, Harriet.
18:19That bear...
18:22That little thing that you have just destroyed
18:25is all that I had left of Christ, sir.
18:30I was forced to give him away.
18:36I was younger than you, Susan.
18:39But not 13, or 17, or 18?
18:42I had no say in it.
18:43My father just checked me into a mother and baby home
18:46and then an adoption agent just came.
18:51She took him.
18:59He's gone.
19:01He's gone.
19:04Oh, this pain.
19:06Oh, this longing.
19:08Sorry to interrupt, Harriet, but is this going to go on for much longer?
19:11Be quiet, Brit.
19:13I want to have him in my arms and tell him I'm sorry.
19:16And tell him I...
19:17I...
19:17I...
19:18I'll never let him go again.
19:21I...
19:21I just want to know he's safe.
19:23I...
19:24I managed to find out his family lived in Perth.
19:27Perth?
19:27That's where I grew up.
19:28All I know is that somewhere, there's a 37-year-old man who needs me.
19:35And...
19:35I'm going to find him.
19:37I'm going to find him whatever it takes.
19:39Harriet.
19:52You're right.
19:57I am an idiot.
19:59Sorry.
20:00And in the spirit of sharing, I've got a secret of my own that I've been holding on to for a long time now.
20:10And I feel it's probably time to fess up.
20:13You can just let it be terminal.
20:15Listen, I just want to warn you.
20:18My secret is a pretty impressive secret.
20:21And it's likely to blow your secret out of the water.
20:25I know this is going to come as a bit of a shock to all of you.
20:30But I've not been straight with anybody on this island since we arrived.
20:35What do you mean?
20:35And I just want to come clean.
20:37Okay.
20:38What is it?
20:43I'm gay.
20:48Douglas, did you hear what I said?
20:49Yep.
20:50I'm gay.
20:51Yep.
20:52I heard you.
20:53Loud and clear.
20:55I prefer the male of the species.
20:57You sneaky motherfucker.
21:02I'll tell you what.
21:03You've got to go up early to catch this one out.
21:05Brilliant.
21:05Brilliant.
21:06You had us all going there.
21:07You sly, sly guy, man.
21:09Respect.
21:10He likes dick.
21:12He's right.
21:13I love dick.
21:24Here.
21:25Who wants chocolate?
21:27Aunt Conk can go fuck herself.
21:29We're living the dream, right?
21:31No.
21:32We're living a nightmare.
21:33Oh, shut up.
21:35I know it's tough here, but back home is even tougher.
21:38What with Magnus going up your wife Pam.
21:40Hey, that's still private stuff, Brad.
21:43Anyway, I made some mistakes too.
21:45Yeah, well, you can forget all about that tonight.
21:47Because tonight we're celebrating, right, Susan?
21:50Yeah!
21:52Women, they want a knight in shining armour.
21:56But when he falls off his horse and his face lands in the shit, they don't want to know
22:02anymore.
22:03That's when the likes of Magnus swoop in.
22:05I think it's important to be yourself, Douglas.
22:08Show the world who you truly are.
22:10You're vulnerable and you're weak.
22:12Yeah.
22:13Thanks, Susan.
22:14Strength, Douglas, comes from admitting one's weakness.
22:17You are so good at doing those, Harriet.
22:20Just like Magneto.
22:22Well, I'm getting back up on that steed and I'm galloping away.
22:26With a fair man and by your side.
22:29No, but...
22:30Yeah, no, I...
22:31Yeah.
22:32Yeah.
22:32And a wooden cart right behind Dougie.
22:34Me and Brett either side of her.
22:35Hurry in the middle.
22:36We're salvaging her like a hot dog.
22:38She's a sausage.
22:38Yes, and we're going on a quest, Harriet.
22:41A quest to find your son.
22:43I'll drink to that.
22:44And peace is restored to the universe.
22:48What are you doing?
22:49Come on, mate.
22:52These stars shine all day too, you know.
22:55It's just no one sees them.
22:57What's that, Harriet?
22:58Did you say something?
23:00No.
23:01No.
23:08Oh, shit.
23:13That was the last battery.
23:15Good.
23:19The wedding of the year.
23:22Not long now.
23:23Stay with us next tonight for the Meghan Markle effect.
23:26I can't do it without you.
23:31I can't do it without you.
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