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CONTROL couriers aboard the Orient Express are being murdered in order to prevent them from delivering important information. Max and 99 get into a sticky situation while trying to solve the mystery. Cameo appearance by Johnny Carson as the train conductor (he appears in the credits as the "Special Guest Conductor"). A spoof of Murder on the Orient Express.
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00:00Colin Kurchanska
00:24Colin Kurchanska
00:26Colin Kurchanska
00:28According to my previous observation
00:30The courier should be removing the briefcase
00:34Now
00:50Drop it
00:52I said drop it or I'll shoot
00:54So you're the thief
00:56Well that solves one mystery
00:58Now who are you working for
01:00The pellet Kurchanska
01:02The pellet
01:04Slide four chief
01:14This was taken aboard the Orient Express by the Austrian police at Innsbruck
01:18The subject is Agent 85
01:20Deceased
01:22Agent 85 was the fourth courier to leave Paris with a briefcase chained to his wrist
01:26Not one recent destination alive
01:30Your conclusion 86
01:32Suicide chief
01:34Suicide
01:36But Max he was gassed
01:38He's making habits 99
01:40But there's a suicide note on the floor
01:42That's his ticket
01:44Oh
01:46Slide five
01:48So we bid a fond farewell
01:50To the Pacific paradise
01:52Oh
01:54Sorry about that chief
01:56That's another case
01:58Who is that?
02:00George Robinson
02:02Chaos agent
02:04Saw through it in only one minute
02:06Would you believe it?
02:07One minute
02:08I find that very difficult to believe
02:10Would you believe two minutes?
02:12I don't think so
02:14How about our fourth date?
02:16I found that a few seconds
02:18To the Pacific paradise
02:34I found the Holy Magee
02:36He might not be careful
02:38Let the Pacific a little place
02:42Or theugeatic
02:44¶¶
03:14The enemy knows we must send another courier.
03:21Our one chance that they won't be expecting a woman.
03:23I understand, Chief. I'll do the best I can.
03:26It's a dirty, dangerous job.
03:27It'll require intelligence, determination, and icy nerves.
03:32Will I be issued a destruct pellet, Chief?
03:34Yes, 99.
03:35Wait a minute, Chief. You're not thinking of sending her.
03:38She's a woman.
03:40Max, thank you.
03:41A woman is the reason we chose her.
03:43Four men failed. Agents 82 through 85.
03:48Now, this briefcase must be gotten to B-12 somewhere in the Balkans.
03:53Why, it's beautiful, Chief.
03:55And it's real leather, too.
03:57You think you'll like it?
03:58Max, it contains a half million dollars.
04:01You'll love it.
04:02It's the payroll for our freelance agents behind the Iron Curtain.
04:05They haven't been paid in five months.
04:07If they complain to the Grievance Committee of the Spies Guild East, we're in a lot of trouble.
04:12Why, those babies are murder at the bargaining table.
04:14Why, do you know that they get disability compensation for flesh wounds?
04:18Max, may I get on with this briefing?
04:21Carry on, Chief.
04:23Now, 99, this security briefcase has just been developed by the lab.
04:27Once it is attached to the wrist, there are only two ways of getting it off.
04:30One, by using a key.
04:31Good.
04:31However, there is only one key that will fit this lock.
04:36Anyone trying to use another key will receive 5,000 volts of electricity through him.
04:41Wow!
04:42Where is the one key that fits, Chief?
04:44B-12, the agent who will be receiving this briefcase, already has it.
04:47He'll be on board the train.
04:48How will I know him?
04:49You'll receive further instructions from our contacts on board the train.
04:52Oh.
04:53This certainly is an ingenious device, Chief.
04:56You can just clap it on your wrist, right?
04:57And there's only two ways to get it off.
04:59One is with the key on the train.
05:03In the...
05:04What's the other way, Chief?
05:11Amputation.
05:14Oh, Max.
05:15You shouldn't have done that for me.
05:19Well, it looks like you'll be taking a long trip, 86.
05:24Now, let's go to the lab.
05:25Maybe Minnelli has come up with something that'll give you a fighting chance.
05:28Max, that was the noblest, bravest, most heroic thing I've ever seen.
05:40Maybe I could soak my wrist.
05:48Max, I don't think you've met our new special weapons advisor, Dr. Minnelli.
05:52Dr. Minnelli, this is Agent 86, Maxwell Smart.
05:54I believe you know 99.
05:55Yes, I do.
05:56How are you, Smart?
05:56Nice to meet you, Minnelli.
05:59I see you play chess.
06:00Well, I use myself with a game or two now and then.
06:03So do I.
06:05Well, I see you've got an interesting problem here, but I think I know the answer.
06:15That's checkers.
06:17Well, what's new in special weapons, Minnelli?
06:20Well, what'd you have in mind, Smart?
06:21Dr. Minnelli, all of the agents who were killed were victims of a highly toxic gas.
06:27I wonder if you have anything to give 86 that would protect him.
06:30I think I've got just the thing.
06:31Here.
06:32Yeah.
06:33Here, try this on, Smart.
06:35Oh.
06:36That's beautiful.
06:37But I think it'll clash with my trench coat, don't you, Chief?
06:42When you yank down on the brim, the bowler converts into a gas mask.
06:51Chief, should I issue 86 a pair of strato shoes?
06:54A pair of what?
06:55Of strato shoes.
06:56It's one of Dr. Minnelli's latest developments.
06:58Let's look at them.
07:05The wearer of these shoes contain instant height by merely knocking his heels together.
07:10It's a marvelous device for instant escape from danger.
07:13I don't think I quite understand.
07:14Well, here, I'll demonstrate using just one shoe.
07:17Now, here's the activating mechanism inside this heel.
07:19Now, watch what happens when I press it.
07:24That's incredible.
07:25Yes, but exactly what does it do?
07:28There's a miniature capsule of highly compressed air buried inside each heel.
07:33Now, clicking the heels together sets off a jet stream that lifts the wearer off the ground.
07:38Well, what happens if you only activate one of the shoes while you're wearing them?
07:41Well, I imagine you'd drive your leg up through your head.
07:45Then you'd advise against that.
07:48Chief, have you given 86 a full explanation of the briefcase?
07:52Except the alarm system.
07:54And, of course, you know about the key.
07:55Agent B-12 has the only key that will open the lock.
07:58And he will be somewhere on that train.
07:59Oh, yes, I remember now.
08:01A wrong key inserted in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5,000 volts.
08:05And, of course, the noise will bring help running.
08:09What noise?
08:10Your screams.
08:10My screams.
08:15Now, one more question.
08:17What if someone tries to take the briefcase away from me without breaking the lock?
08:21The slightest tug on that chain will set off a siren you can hear for a mile and a quarter.
08:26Well, how do you turn off the alarm?
08:28Well, you just push the button.
08:29Well, Chief, I guess that about wraps it up.
08:32I think I'm just about ready to go.
08:37Here it is.
08:38On the other end.
08:39Wait on it.
08:39This end.
08:40The end of the construction.
08:40The end of the construction.
08:51The end of the construction.
09:02The end of the construction.
09:03The end of the construction.
09:04The end of the construction.
09:05The end of the construction.
09:06The end of the construction.
09:07The end of the construction.
09:08The end of the construction.
09:09The end of the construction.
09:10The end of the construction.
09:11The end of the construction.
09:12The end of the construction.
09:13The end of the construction.
09:14The end of the construction.
09:15The end of the construction.
09:16The end of the construction.
09:17The end of the construction.
09:18The end of the construction.
09:19Oh, yes, 86. Welcome aboard.
09:38I was told that you'd be my first contact.
09:40Correct.
09:40You have anything for me?
09:42Yes.
09:44Well?
09:45Well, I don't know how to tell you this, 86.
09:47I haven't been paid in five months.
09:50Yes, I know all about that, 44.
09:52That's what this mission is all about.
09:54Now, can I please have the message?
09:56I mean, after all, 86, secret agents have to live, too.
09:59Now, the spy's standard agreement clearly still...
10:01Yes, I know all about the spy's standard agreement.
10:03And I promise you, you'll get paid just as soon as I deliver the briefcase.
10:07Now, can I have the message, please?
10:09Everything costs so much today.
10:11Guns and knives are expensive.
10:14Poison is up.
10:14The strangling wire is $6.80 a yard.
10:17Please, 44.
10:20Do you have any idea what it costs today to build a halfway decent infernal machine?
10:25All right, 44.
10:26All right.
10:31Here.
10:31This should tide you over for a little while.
10:34Thanks, 86.
10:36You know I even had to pay to get on this train.
10:39And this is a first-class medicine chest.
10:41Yes, yes, I know, I know, 44.
10:44Now, will you please give me the message?
10:48Here, make sure you destroy it.
10:51Right.
10:52Is there anyone in here?
11:05Yes, this is my compartment.
11:07I'm terribly sorry, but I wonder if I might just leave some of my merchandise in your compartment.
11:11There doesn't seem to be room in mine.
11:14Certainly.
11:15Here, let me help you.
11:22I certainly appreciate your help.
11:33If you don't mind, I'll just sit down and rest for a moment.
11:36I'm quite exhausted.
11:39My name, by the way, is Mr. Ernst.
11:41No, I'm Maxwell Smart.
11:43Well, what is it?
12:10Shh.
12:11I'm not alone.
12:13I had to destroy the first message.
12:14Do you have a copy?
12:16Well, you know, 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees.
12:20All right, 44.
12:21How much?
12:22Five dollars.
12:24Five dollars?
12:25Well, that's a going price.
12:27Or three for ten dollars.
12:30Now, just take one.
12:31Yeah.
12:32Thanks.
12:37Thanks.
12:44I'm sorry to serve you, sir, but I wondered if you'd like some dinner.
12:47Uh, no, thank you.
12:49I just ate.
12:50Perhaps you'd like to see a menu, and we can order later.
12:54Talk about cheap.
13:11Again?
13:12Yes.
13:13Incidentally, those secret messages taste terrible.
13:17What kind of ink are you using?
13:18Do you know how much good ink costs?
13:20Never mind, 44.
13:21Do you have another copy of the message?
13:23Should have taken three for ten.
13:26Can't you just read it to me?
13:29Eh, okay.
13:31And keep your voice low.
13:33The briefcase will be picked up by Agent B-12,
13:37who will use the password Tanganyika.
13:41Tanganyika?
13:42Tanganyika.
13:42Is that all?
13:43That's all.
13:43Oh, I'm sorry.
13:51I see that monsieur is still having his dinner.
13:54My bag's up there.
13:55Yes, ma'am.
13:57I believe this is a private compartment.
13:59Oh, kind, sir.
14:00It's just for a little while, and there's no other seat available.
14:03Surely you would not deny a lady in distress?
14:07Surely not.
14:07Make yourself comfortable.
14:09You are a gentleman.
14:10Someday I hope you will come to Romania
14:12and avail yourself of my hospitality.
14:15Oh, thank you very much.
14:16That would be a pleasure.
14:17I am the Countess Reshebski.
14:19I am the Maxwell Smart.
14:23Would you just enter in Liechtenstein passports, please?
14:29Madame?
14:32Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:33Monsieur?
14:35Monsieur?
14:39Oh, Liechtenstein, what a lovely, small country.
14:52We're just leaving Liechtenstein passport, please.
14:57What took us so long?
14:59Floods.
14:59Had to evacuate the country.
15:09I beg your pardon, but you're sitting in my seat.
15:19Oh, pardon.
15:22Ah, I don't believe you two ladies have met.
15:24This is the Countess.
15:25I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your title.
15:28Mademoiselle.
15:30Do you know this world?
15:31Ninety-nine, what are you doing here?
15:49Dinner is being served in a dining car.
15:52Would one of you gentlemen care to accompany me?
15:55My pleasure, Countess.
15:56Come, Cyril.
15:58Cyril?
16:00Thank you, sir.
16:03Madame?
16:06Monsieur?
16:12Will Monsieur be coming down for dinner?
16:22Ninety-nine, you stay here.
16:23I'm going to find Agent B-12 instead of waiting for him to find me.
16:26How will you know him?
16:27By the code word Tanganyika.
16:29Be careful, Max.
16:37Sorry about that.
16:48Oh, excuse me.
16:50Come in, Mr. Smart.
16:51We finally found my compartment.
16:53I want you to join us in a cup of wine if you don't find paper cups.
16:57I don't mind if I do.
17:03Beaujolais, 1957.
17:06Dixie cup, 1965.
17:11Do you see everything all right?
17:12Yes, thank you.
17:13You know, the marvelous thing about traveling is all the wonderful people you meet, like
17:18each of you.
17:19I agree with you, Countess.
17:21Uh, have any of you ever been to Africa?
17:24Yes, I've traveled there extensively.
17:26I spent three years there.
17:28It's my favorite continent.
17:31I'd like to ask you a question, and I want you to think very carefully before you answer.
17:35What is your favorite country in Africa?
17:41Tanganyika.
17:43That's what I was afraid of.
17:44It's a new fad diet.
18:02All the vitamins and none of the carbohydrates.
18:04Oh, hang on.
18:11It's dead man's curve.
18:13Be careful.
18:14Watch out.
18:15What's happening?
18:16The lights have gone out.
18:18Excuse me.
18:20This always happens on dead man's curve.
18:22And here comes the other half of it.
18:26What was that?
18:27The lights have gone out again.
18:32My briefcase.
18:33It's gone.
18:34Let me take it out.
18:37It's just mine.
18:37I insist.
18:53Max, what happened?
18:54I checked with me to try for the briefcase.
18:55Then you know who Kuchensky is.
18:56I'm almost positive 99.
18:58No, Max.
18:58It's somebody on this train.
19:00Yes, ma'am.
19:01The Countess.
19:02Would you believe it?
19:02That lovely Countess.
19:03I find that very hard to believe.
19:05The Porter?
19:06I don't think so.
19:07The Doctor?
19:08No.
19:08The Engineer?
19:09Uh-uh.
19:09How about the dog?
19:10No.
19:11It's not going to be one of the 99.
19:12There's nobody else left.
19:15Uh-huh.
19:15Just as I thought.
19:18Ernst, the phony blind man.
19:19No, Mr. Smart.
19:21Ernst, the blind British spy.
19:24Then it was you who put the message in the bottom of the cup.
19:26Oh, there's really nothing, old man.
19:28Just spur of the moment and all that.
19:29Well, it was something to me.
19:30You pulled me out of a tight spot.
19:32Ah, well.
19:33All's well that ends well.
19:34Well, why don't you come in and sit down?
19:36British intelligence is always welcome.
19:38No, thanks.
19:38I ran into a spot of trouble on the way over.
19:41Seemed to have taken one in the back.
19:46Silly of me.
19:54Afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man.
19:59I say.
20:01Hmm?
20:03Who is?
20:05Krochanska.
20:05Don't think I'll live long enough to say.
20:11Pity.
20:15Krochanska.
20:17Now, bring me the briefcase.
20:22Max, look.
20:24Here, boy.
20:25Bring it over here.
20:28Max, be careful.
20:30Don't do anything rash.
20:33A sudden move may cost you a half.
20:35The old spy in the dog suit trick.
20:41For all, Mr. Smart.
20:42Believe me.
20:44It's a pleasure to meet you at last.
20:46I have long anticipated the day when we would match wins, you and I.
20:51May I introduce myself?
20:54My name is Demetrius.
20:56Too bad that our first meeting will also be our last.
21:00You see it, 99?
21:02A radio receiver and a micro speaker in the dog's collar.
21:0699?
21:07Meet Cyril Krochanska.
21:09Double agent.
21:10Excellent.
21:11That's smart.
21:12Excellent.
21:13You, uh, more than live up to my expectations.
21:23And you are quite correct.
21:25This will be our last meeting.
21:28Pellet.
21:30The pellet, Krochanska.
21:3599, it's gas.
21:37We're locked in.
21:42Get your gas mask.
21:44Don't breathe.
21:48He had to be a hat salesman.
21:50You look, Mr. Smart.
21:53The gas has no effect on dogs.
21:56Humans, however, are rendered unconscious within the first 30 seconds.
22:00Death will occur within one minute.
22:04You now have 36 seconds in which you live.
22:07Max, where's yours?
22:08Here, Max.
22:22Here, try that.
22:23Don't breathe, Max.
22:33So much for curry on number five.
22:38Come along.
22:43Hey, John.
22:46Good work, Max.
22:47Come on, 99.
22:48Let's open the windows.
22:49Right.
22:53Tickets, please.
22:57That's it.
23:00Hold on.
23:01Uh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.
23:05It happens all the time on the Orient Express.
23:07If you think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.
23:20And then the Austrian police took Demetrius into custody.
23:23And the dog?
23:24A remarkable thing about that dog, Chief.
23:26He was trained as a double agent.
23:28Practiced thief and a natural killer.
23:30What happened to him?
23:31He was adopted by a nice family.
23:32Lots of kids.
23:34So all those ends are tied up.
23:35That's right, Chief.
23:37All the agents are back at work and paid.
23:39Good.
23:39We can't let that happen again.
23:41The security of the whole Western world depends on our work.
23:43I know, Chief.
23:44I was talking to some of their representatives about it.
23:47Good.
23:48Now, about your next assignment.
23:49On Saturday, I want you to fly to Bangkok and get in touch with agent...
23:53Wait a minute, Chief.
23:54You realize, of course, if we leave on Saturday, that that will be time and a half.
23:57What?
23:57And then, of course, when we get to Bangkok, that's overseas pay.
24:00And then Sunday's double time.
24:02What are you talking about?
24:03Well, it's all right here in the Spy Guild Union book, Chief.
24:06All you have to do is read it.
24:07You don't mean ridiculous, Max.
24:08I never heard of anything.
24:10The chief of overseas operations gets three weeks vacation with pay.
24:15That's not all.
24:16Look at this.
24:16He gets his wardrobe all summer.
24:18He gets his wardrobe all summer.
24:48He gets his wardrobe all summer.
25:18He gets his wardrobe all summer.
25:20He gets his wardrobe all summer.
25:24So we'll take you to see your place on Sunday, Saturday, Monday, Friday, Monday, Friday, Thursday, Monday, Sunday, ons and OF Olam.
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