- 1 day ago
Playlist:
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:34There's a Negro in America, and he's walking down America, and he goes to this voting thing, you see, and
00:40there's a big G.I. on the door. He said, what do you want, blue eyes? He said, I's voting
00:44today. He said, there ain't no Negroes voting today. He said, I's voting, boss, because I can read and I
00:51can write. He said, write on that, blue eyes.
00:54And he handed them a piece of greaseproof paper and a ballpoint pen. Ooh, there. Ooh, there. Funny, I could
01:06write before I left home. There ain't no Negroes voting today. He said, I'm voting, boss, because I can read.
01:14He said, read that. And he handed them the Jewish Chronicle.
01:20I don't know what the headlines say, but the small print says, there's no Negroes voting today.
01:35Oh, dear.
01:38Sit down, Aunt Ruud.
01:43Hey, no, oh, don. Oh, don.
01:47This bloke walked in this boozey and up.
01:50So he odds a pint, and he's just going to sit down, and there's a bloke sat at the table
01:54with a dog on his knee.
01:55So he says, hey, up. He says, what's up, flower?
02:00He says, put dog up, flower.
02:02He said, it's a no-tail.
02:04He says, he said, get it down, old lad.
02:08That's where they belong, dogs.
02:10He said, I can't. He said, that's a hunt.
02:12He said, I can see it's a datch hunt.
02:13He said, put it. He said, no, it's got little legs.
02:17He says, they've all got little legs.
02:20He says, but these are littler than others.
02:23He says, so what?
02:24He says, well, Sither, it's just that pup, see?
02:29And with it being...
02:31And I put it down, it scrapes its...
02:35He says, giz, odd at flaming dog.
02:39And he got on a dog, and he put thimbles on them.
02:44He did it. Have you heard it?
02:45No?
02:46You will do when it comes down your street.
02:52Well, I don't know.
02:54I...
02:58Oh, love.
03:00I never thought my trousers were dry.
03:05I got on this bus, and it was a big Irish conductor.
03:07You could tell he was Irish.
03:08He had a shamrock in his turban.
03:13I said, does this bus go to Manchester?
03:15He said, I couldn't tell you.
03:16Couldn't tell you.
03:18He said, I've got Manchester on the front.
03:19He said, I've got Typhoon in the back, but we don't tell it.
03:32Next stop, a drunk fella tried to get on the bus.
03:34He said, you can't get on my bus.
03:36Me crumb jam full.
03:39He said, I don't care what your name is.
03:41I'm getting on.
03:48He sat next to me.
03:48We were talking about religion, talking about the Catholics, the Protestants, and the Church
03:52of England.
03:53This Indian tapped me on the shoulder.
03:54He said, tell me, tell me.
03:55What do you think of Buddha?
03:57I said, it's much better than margarine.
04:07He said, Tavi, do not take the mick into my country.
04:13India, where I come from, we have hundreds of religions.
04:15I said, have you?
04:16He said, yes.
04:16I said, what does a Hindu do?
04:18He said, lay eggs.
04:24No, you shouldn't have a go.
04:26I shouldn't mock them, because they're wonderful fellas, you know, wonderful fellas.
04:28He was lovely.
04:29He was dead smart.
04:29He had a beautiful grey uniform on, and a lovely white turban.
04:32There was a little old woman in the corner, 93.
04:34She said, excuse me.
04:37Can I have a 9-21, please?
04:40He said, it's all right, my darling.
04:41You're old woman.
04:42You ride on my bus for nothing.
04:44She said, bless you.
04:45And I hope your head gets better soon.
04:59Threw me off the bus in Manchester, and I was walking through Mosside.
05:04There was a big funeral procession.
05:0514,000 Pakistanis and 16,000 West Indians.
05:09I tapped one on the shoulder.
05:10I said, who's dead?
05:11He said, the bloke in the front coach.
05:19I said, he must have been important.
05:20He said, he was a national assistance officer.
05:33Lancashire lad wins a quarter of a million pound on the pools, buys a big farm in America, just outside
05:40Texas.
05:41Sheep, horses, cows, ducks, the lot.
05:46And he's only there about a fortnight.
05:48He finds out he's got no cock for his ends.
05:51So he walks 60 miles to his next-door neighbour, flat cap, white raincoat, galoshes, woodbine.
06:00Knocks on his next-door neighbour's door.
06:02I'll speak a bit of American for you now.
06:07What do you want, buddy?
06:11I've never been there.
06:11You wouldn't believe that, would you?
06:16He said, have you got a cock for me ends?
06:17He said, man, I got a cock.
06:19You ain't never seen a cock like this boy.
06:21He's a goer.
06:22Friend, this cock will cost you $1,000 and you ain't never seen a cock like this boy.
06:26He says, it's a lot of money.
06:27He said, it's a lot of cock, man.
06:32He said, well, that's obvious.
06:33I'm not walking any further, he says.
06:36There's your $1,000.
06:37Text this cock back and what a cock it was.
06:40A belter.
06:42The ends are laying 18 eggs a day apiece.
06:45The sheep's laying eggs.
06:46The bull's laying eggs.
06:50All the cows are laying eggs.
06:53The farm's full of eggs.
06:56And one day, this cock's missing about a week later.
06:59He thought, now, where's that cock got all that money?
07:02Just two little footprints out in the middle of the desert.
07:04He follows his footprints and there's the cock in the middle of the desert on its back, shattered.
07:11And 16 vultures flying overhead.
07:14He said, well, I lived in Lancashire all my life.
07:16He said, my God.
07:17He said, I've never seen nothing like you.
07:18He said, ridiculous the way you've gone on this last few weeks.
07:23Them vultures there, they're only waiting for you to close your eyes.
07:25They'll be down.
07:25They'll pick your bones clean.
07:26And the cock open one eye like that.
07:28He said, let them settle.
07:44It's the way I tell them.
07:49So he's on the phone one day, you see.
07:51He was in Hull and he heard that Dockity was going over there, you know Tom.
07:55And so he thought he'd get on the phone to me from Hull.
07:57And he dialed a hundred and he said to the operator, hello?
08:01The same chap.
08:02He said, no, no.
08:03The operator said, hello?
08:05You know, are you in the operator?
08:09He said, yes.
08:10They didn't want to listen.
08:19You know, no.
08:22This is cocky, you know.
08:24I don't know how to do it.
08:28He said, well, listen.
08:30I want you to get me a number.
08:34I want you to get me, no, master.
08:38That's what I do.
08:39I know what I do.
08:43And the operator said, pardon?
08:47He said, er, listen.
08:52I want you to get me a number.
08:55Number, see?
08:57Because you're the operator and I'm a subscriber.
09:01And the number I want is, no, master.
09:0710,4, no, 804.
09:10Your precious, pardon.
09:14In 11.
09:19I want you to get me a number on the telephone.
09:22I'm going to run to non-castle me now.
09:27And the number is, non...
09:30Are you listening?
09:35And the number is, non-castle, 10,4, no, 804.
09:41And the operator said, I'm sorry, sir.
09:43Could you speak up a bit?
09:45And he said, I'm making up.
09:48Not seeing it.
09:52I want you to get me, non-castle, 10,4, no, 804.
09:59And then she said, I'm very sorry, sir.
10:01I can't understand a word you're saying.
10:03And he said, well, you can smack your phone.
10:10On me a jumper.
10:13Through the receiver down.
10:1525 minutes later, there's a knock on his door.
10:18And he opened the door.
10:18There's two chaps to there.
10:19He said, good evening, sir.
10:20We're from the GPO.
10:24We've had a complaint that one of our operators
10:26has been insulted.
10:30And we've traced the call back to this number.
10:32Did you insult one of our operators?
10:34And he looked and he said, yes.
10:40Yes, I'm this.
10:42They said, well, she's very upset about this.
10:44I'm afraid that I'll have to ring up the operator
10:46and apologise to her,
10:47or we will be forced to take your phone out.
10:49And he looked and he said,
10:51it does not.
10:56It does not.
10:58Because it was raining.
10:59And he looked past him and he said,
11:00it does not.
11:04I just thought for that.
11:12He said, am I going to ring up the operator
11:14and apologise?
11:16Are you going to take my phone out?
11:17And they said, yes,
11:18that's the way it is.
11:19I'm very, very sorry.
11:19So he walked back to the phone
11:20and lifted the phone up.
11:22He said, hello.
11:24And the operator said, hello.
11:25Isn't all you the operator?
11:27That I just asked to get me?
11:31No, Catherine.
11:31No, Catherine.
11:36That phone's no way no far.
11:39She said, yes.
11:40He said, did I tell you to take your phone
11:43to get your phone out?
11:45She said, yes.
11:46And they won't get ready
11:47because they're bringing it round now.
13:23So he hit on a blinding idea.
13:24He got his hankie out of his pocket like that.
13:26And he folded the four corners up into a sachet.
13:29Or sachet if you're from Stratford.
13:33Lovely place, Stratford, isn't it? Aren't they posh?
13:35We came through tonight. I said to this kid,
13:36where are you going, son?
13:37He said, I'm going shopping for mammy.
13:39I said, what are you going for?
13:40He said, pepper.
13:42I said, black pepper or white pepper?
13:43He said, no routing pepper.
13:44But the priest carrying the prayer book and the sachet like that.
13:50And he passed a manhole.
13:51And down below, there was a fellow swinging a shovel.
13:53And just as he passed, this fellow happened to catch his mate right across the ear with the shovel.
13:56And his mate was just telling him to be a bit more careful.
14:02And the priest happened to hear.
14:03And he looked down the hole.
14:05He said, the language out of you down there?
14:07Haven't you heard of Satan?
14:08The fellow said, no.
14:10Jimmy, do you know a bloke called Satan?
14:13There's a fellow up here with his lunch.
14:21The old parish priest said to the new young curate in the wee village in County Down.
14:25Now, there are not a lot about here, but they're not a bad crowd.
14:28When they come to confession, if you're in any doubt as to what penance you should give them,
14:32just shout over to me.
14:33So the first fellow in was Flanagan.
14:35He said, father, I've been a bad man at the weekend.
14:38I made 28 gallons of poteen.
14:41So the young curate didn't know what to do, so he shouts across.
14:44Father, Flanagan made 48 gallons of poteen.
14:47What'll I give him?
14:48He said, give him no more than four bob a gallon.
14:52And I saw this big Rolls Royce parked at Blackpool on the promenade.
14:58You know, and there was a little boy walking along it, scraping his spade up and down.
15:03And his dad said, if you break that spade, I won't buy you another one.
15:15Well, I felt the Irishman that came across, and he got his first job over here.
15:20He'd never been in England before, and he opened his first week's wage, and he saw all this money,
15:23and he thought, right, I'm going to send me mum and dad a present.
15:26So he brought up a mirror, and he wrapped it up, and he sent it home.
15:30And his dad opened it at the door, and he says, big horror.
15:35The lad sent us a photograph of himself.
15:40He said, but he answer, I've grown old.
15:44And his wife said, let's have a look.
15:46She said, no wonder, look at the old woman he's living with.
15:56What about the English counterfeiter?
15:58This Englishman started to make money, so instead of making £20 notes,
16:02he made a blunder in my £18 notes.
16:04Where was he going to get rid of them?
16:06There was only one place.
16:08A small Irish village.
16:11Obviously.
16:12Called Bolly Newton, drum scullion backwards.
16:15So he dashes into the bank there, and he says,
16:17would you mind changing these, please?
16:20And the woman looks, and he says, yes, sir.
16:21Do you want three sixes or two nines?
16:27I'd just been to the doctors.
16:30And I walked in, and this fellow was coming out,
16:32and he looked worse than me.
16:35And I wasn't ill.
16:39And the doctor said, I've been cheating him for Ella John,
16:42and I just found out he's a Jap.
16:50McElmoyle had been a postman for 50 years
16:52in the Moorn Martins, and his son was taken over.
16:55He said, now Mick, I'm going to tell you about these houses.
16:5973, he knocked the window three times,
17:01and saw the letters under the door.
17:0475, he knocked the door six times,
17:07and put them in through the letterbox.
17:0979 is the worst.
17:11That's the fiercest dog you've ever seen in your life.
17:14I'm telling you to watch it.
17:16So a piece of beef up the hall,
17:18and get up, throw the letters in,
17:19and out as sharp as you can.
17:21I come along.
17:22The first door.
17:23Knocks the window, throws the letters in.
17:24The second door.
17:26Knocks the door, throws the letters in.
17:27The third door, he says, Pop, watch this now, Dad.
17:30Dad, I have a poor chop here.
17:33Instead of eating it for me lunch,
17:34I'm going to throw it up the hall.
17:36Throw it up the hall, and he dashes up.
17:38Ten minutes later, he came out,
17:39torn to pieces.
17:41The suit and ribbons.
17:42The bag torn to bits.
17:44Blood streaming out of a thousand cuts.
17:45He says, God bless his dad.
17:47At you, he shall say it.
18:00Little lad come in, come in crying.
18:02He says, Dad, they won't let me in the swimming baths.
18:03He says, you what?
18:05Come back with me.
18:07Ex-first airborne division sergeant,
18:09like that he was.
18:11He says, come here.
18:12What's this?
18:12You won't let my lad in the swimming baths.
18:15He said, he makes water in the pool.
18:17He said, lots of kids make water in the pool.
18:19He says, ah, not from the top diving board.
18:29He goes down to the labour exchange.
18:30He said, any job?
18:31He said, yeah.
18:32He said, go down to the corporation.
18:33They need a man.
18:34So he went down to the corporation.
18:36I said, have you got a start?
18:37He said, yeah.
18:37He said, start a Monday in the sewers with him.
18:40Well, nine o'clock, he goes down to the sewers.
18:43Twelve o'clock, he comes up.
18:44He says, I want me cards and me money.
18:45And the boss said, what's wrong?
18:46He said, I'm not working with him.
18:48I said, what's wrong with him?
18:49He said, he's breath smells.
18:54The fellow joins the parachute regiments.
18:58The fellow, he said, you know what to do?
18:59He said, yeah, count nine and pull the ripcord.
19:01He said, there's no count nine now.
19:03He said, you just jump out and shout Geronimo.
19:06What?
19:08So he said, so you get up in the airplane, you see.
19:09And they go along.
19:10He said, you know what to do?
19:10He said, yeah, count nine and pull.
19:11He said, no.
19:12He said, just jump out and shout Geronimo.
19:14He said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
19:19So they open the door and they fling him out.
19:21They close the door.
19:21He said, thank God we got rid of him.
19:23And they go along and there's a knock.
19:28On the side of the airplane, the captain said, I wonder who that can be at this time of the
19:31night.
19:35So they opened the wing, opened the door like that and he's hanging on the wing.
19:38Like that.
19:41That's the wind.
19:45So what was the name of that Indian?
19:56Three Irish fellas come home late to the digs and the Irish land lady.
19:59She said, what?
19:59You're a right pair, you three are.
20:02What time's this at night to come home in the morning?
20:06She said, if you want to stay here, you'll have to find somewhere else to go.
20:13Two drunks met on one island.
20:15It's dead funny.
20:15Two drunks walking down Market Street.
20:17And they met.
20:19One said, yeah, it's windy.
20:21He said, it's Thursday.
20:22He said, so am I.
20:23Let's go for a bevy.
20:36One Irish fella's sitting in his digs and he's writing home to his brother.
20:39His mate said, what are you doing?
20:40You can't write.
20:41He said, yeah, my brother can't read.
20:47Oh, that's great.
20:48I love all the daft things.
20:49I was at this bar, see, and there's two chaps sat there.
20:52No, they were here on this side.
20:53And he said, yeah, I've just come right from Wales.
20:58Terrible place, Wales.
20:59He said, there's only two good things come out of Wales.
21:01He said, that's loose women and rugby players.
21:04And this big fellow walked up and tapped him on the shoulder.
21:06He said, hey, my wife's from Wales.
21:08He said, oh, what position does she play?
21:15So he said, I haven't seen you for a long, long while.
21:17He said, we were in the army together.
21:19What happened?
21:19Oh, he said, I'll tell you.
21:20You know, in the army, I used to play a little bit of piano.
21:23Well, I took that up professionally and became a concert pianist.
21:26And I speak nice, don't I, for Doncaster?
21:31And I've got nice eyes.
21:32Look, see.
21:34And he said, my wife plays the cello.
21:36She's very, very good at the cello.
21:37And the little girl, she's learnt the violin.
21:39He said, actually, why don't you pop around one night and we'll give you a recital?
21:42He said, that's very kind of you.
21:43Thanks for inviting us.
21:44He said, by the way, what are you doing?
21:45Well, he said, you know, I used to do a bit of heavyweight, lifting the dumbbells things.
21:49Well, I kept that up.
21:49I became a boxer, a professional boxer.
21:52And my wife, she took up wrestling.
21:54Big lady, a lovely big lady.
21:55And the little lad, he's a black belt in karate.
21:57Why don't you pop around one night and we'll give you a bloody good hiding.
22:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's nice to see people out in the afternoon enjoying themselves.
22:07It's nice to see the lads out with their wives.
22:08It's nice to see their wives out.
22:10Because most lads go out of an evening and they always leave their wives at home, don't
22:13they?
22:13Always leave their wives at home.
22:15They go out in about two o'clock in the morning after a belly full of beer, they start to
22:18panic.
22:19They jump in the car.
22:19They do 70 mile an hour all the way home, drive into the street where they live, switch off
22:23the engine and course down to the front door, take off their shoes and socks.
22:27They creep up the garden path and say, shh, to the dog, creep up the stairs, step over
22:32the third one because it squeaks.
22:34They open the bedroom door and they're praying to God she's going to be fast asleep.
22:37But they never are.
22:39They're always sitting up with their hair in curlers like little Hitlers.
22:45And they give you that frosty stare and say,
22:51suppose you've enjoyed yourself out today with the boys, have you?
22:55You don't give a damn about me slaving and cooking over a hot stove all day.
22:59Your dinner's been in the oven since three o'clock and it's dried up.
23:02Hope you like your sprouts crisp.
23:05And she nags you till six o'clock in the morning.
23:07Don't go through the aggravation.
23:09Do what I do.
23:09I get home at eight.
23:11Ninety mile an hour right outside the bedroom window and I slam the brakes on.
23:15Slam the car door.
23:16Kick the dog and the cat up and down the stairs.
23:19I jump up and down on the one that squeaks.
23:20I get on the landing.
23:21I take all my clothes off.
23:23I open the bedroom door.
23:24I say, I'm in the mood.
23:25And ten to one, she's fast asleep.
23:28Good night.
23:28God bless you.
23:30God bless you.
23:58God bless you.
24:29God bless you.
24:29God bless you.
24:30God bless you.
24:30God bless you.
24:30God bless you.
24:30God bless you.
Comments