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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:38The Irish fella gets knocked over by a bus and the doctor's examining him, he says,
00:42hey, I'm afraid you've lost your left ear, Mr Murphy.
00:47He jumped up and he started looking all over the road for his left ear.
00:51I said, what are you looking for?
00:52He said, my left ear.
00:54He said, it's no good to you now.
00:55He said, no, but my cigarette was behind it.
01:07The woman walked in her chemist, she said, have you got a bedpan, please?
01:10He said, I'm sorry, have you tried boots?
01:12She said, yes, but it comes through the laces.
01:21That's a barbie joke, that one.
01:24The fella goes for insurance, he said, I'd like to insure my car against theft.
01:29The fella said, you can't just against theft, it's going to be fire and theft.
01:33He said, who's going to nick a burning car?
01:43Kids in school, so he's the teacher in Detroit and today we are going to have an essay.
01:46And little Arthur went, miss, I ain't got no pencil.
01:50I beg your pardon, Arthur.
01:52I ain't got no pencil.
01:54I ain't got no pencil.
01:55I have no pencil.
01:57Now remember that.
01:57He said, I have no pencil.
02:00They have no pencils.
02:04We have...
02:05He said, well, who's got all the pencils?
02:19What about the six nuns playing Russian roulette with five pills in a smarty?
02:23All right.
02:28You've seen them everywhere you go.
02:29I've seen a barra boy in Manchester today who's selling chicken sausages.
02:36Five new pence a pound.
02:38Chicken sausage?
02:38Five...
02:39I said, you'll lose a fortune.
02:40He said, I won't.
02:41I won't.
02:42I said, why won't?
02:43You can't afford to do that.
02:44He said, I mix it with a bit of horse meat.
02:47I said, what do you mean, mix it with a horse meat?
02:49He said, you know, half and half.
02:50I said, what's half and half?
02:51He said, one horse, one chicken.
03:03Two nurses walking down the hospital ward and one nurse said to the other, she said,
03:07I see Mrs Jones has had twins.
03:09And the other nurse said, yes.
03:10And did you know, it only happened, it only happens once every 4,385 times.
03:17And the other nurse said, I wonder how she finds time to do her housework.
03:25I have a friend who's been going to the dole a hell of a time.
03:31He can't get a job.
03:32And the dole, eventually they got him this job, you see.
03:34And they said, get down to the graveyard.
03:36And down he went.
03:37And there he was.
03:38And this fellow gave him this shovel.
03:39He said, dig.
03:41Hey.
03:42So he started digging.
03:43He was there all day on his self, by his own.
03:47As was his wont.
03:48Dip your bread in.
03:48Tell them.
03:49There he was.
03:53I do this.
03:58I must get some more stuff for this tea.
04:01He's digging away.
04:02And he's digging this grave.
04:02And he saw next to this grave, there was this headstone, which was a bit loose.
04:06He thought to himself.
04:07Herr.
04:08Herr.
04:09He was a conscient...
04:11He did his job properly.
04:14He thought, I'll try and secure this headstone.
04:18So he tried ramming some grass down it.
04:20He tried...
04:22Nothing.
04:23Still loose.
04:24Tried always.
04:24And he saw this bit of wire on the floor.
04:26And he picked this wire up and he ran it round the headstone and ran it to a nearby tree.
04:33Thereby securing the headstone.
04:39He went home.
04:40Two o'clock in the morning.
04:41There's two drunks walking through the graveyard.
04:45And one drunk sees this lot, the wire and the...
04:47He looked across at his mate.
04:49He said, I see Charlie's alright.
04:50He's had a telephone put in.
05:19Ha.
05:23And Mrs. Mills has joined the women's lib.
05:28She burnt her bra in Trafalgar Square yesterday
05:30and it took four fire brigades to put it on.
05:36They're all clever ones, these. Aren't they clever?
05:38I like these clever ones, me.
05:41And I go to the doctors, he said,
05:42I've got an awful pain, doctor.
05:44I'm Devon.
05:49He said, do you have trouble passing water?
05:52She said, no, I feel a bit giddy when I go across a bridge.
05:59I came up in front of this judge and the judge says,
06:01where do you live? You're on there.
06:03When do you work? Now and again.
06:04What do you do? This and that.
06:06Take him to jail. When am I coming out? Sooner or later.
06:15He says, you've been to jail for two weeks.
06:17I said, can I have a last week in July and a first week in August?
06:23There was a mate of mine and he murdered his wife.
06:25She was nagging. She was. Chopped. She'd gone.
06:29He ended up in court. Murdered.
06:30He saw a fella on a jury he knew 20 years ago in the army.
06:33He knew he could lip read.
06:35He went, tell you.
06:37Hello.
06:39Get me five years for manslaughter instead of life for murder.
06:43I'll do my best.
06:45The jury retired.
06:46Three hours later, they came out.
06:48The judge says, not guilty of murder, guilty of manslaughter.
06:51Five years imprisonment.
06:52Die was landed.
06:53Happy.
06:54Being a good boy, three years later, he came out of jail.
06:57Walked into a boozer.
06:57The first fella he met was his friend on the jury.
07:00He said, that's the best friend I've ever had in my life.
07:02He says, how did you get me five years for manslaughter instead of life for murder?
07:06He said, I had a terrible job.
07:07They wanted to acquit you.
07:14Irishman went to a scrapyard.
07:16He said, have you got a door for a 1,500-weight Bedford, sir?
07:19He said, certainly.
07:20He says, how much is it?
07:20He says, five pounds.
07:21He says, there's only 50 bob down the road.
07:24He said, why don't you go down the road?
07:25He says, because they've got none down the road, sir.
07:32He said, well, when we've got none, ours are only 50 bob.
07:44He says, thanks very much.
07:45I'll come back when you've got none.
07:52This Scots fella opens up a butcher shop, you see, just before Christmas time.
07:55Great shop.
07:57Ah, great.
07:57Got all the meat, got liver and the kidneys.
07:59Ah, great.
08:00So one morning, this woman knocks on the door just before Christmas time, and he sold everything.
08:04All he's left is one turkey.
08:06And the woman knocks on the door, you see, and he shouted, who is it?
08:13The woman came to the door, this Scots fella, he said, he said, ah, top of the morning to you
08:17now, then.
08:17Now, what could it?
08:19Top.
08:20This Irish fella started a butcher shop.
08:23And he walked in front, he said, ah, it's the top of the morning, he said, what could I be
08:27doing for you now?
08:28She said, like a turkey.
08:29She said, about three pounds it cost.
08:31He said, certainly we've got just a thing for you.
08:33And he went to another counter and he brought out this lovely turkey, all wrapped up there.
08:36He said, that's three pounds, exactly, madam.
08:38That's three pounds, it's the finest turkey, it's a great, great turkey, that.
08:43It's great.
08:44She said, well, it's not quite big enough, I actually wanted one slightly bigger.
08:48I said, I'm going to lose the custom here.
08:50So he took the turkey and he put it back onto the counter and he went, and the turkey went,
08:55and he brought it back up.
08:57He said, that's another great turkey.
09:00That one's three pounds, 50 new pence.
09:02She said, very good, I'll take them both.
09:12And now it's request time.
09:20This is requested by Mr and Mrs Smith in Okinawa.
09:25Mrs Jones in Ontario, Canada.
09:29Mr and Mrs Green in Sydney, Australia.
09:32Mr Ramahai Yokohomohaya Havahol.
09:37In Oldham.
09:47It's also requested by Natasha Rozovonovich, a typical Russian housewife who is 32 years old today.
09:55And has 28 children.
09:58She's a hero of the Soviet Union.
10:00And in her spare time, drives a crane for McAlpine.
10:11She's also requested for a young man in Crumswell Hospital, with a bad back.
10:17And Sir Matt Busby, with two.
10:46And Sir Matt Busby, with two.
10:49That's 8 Jagu Tower, uh.
10:51I'm in my spare time.
10:52And for the River number.
10:56Many can take advantage of the letters.
10:56I'm down for two.
11:01Hang on for me, like our hole.
11:04So I did it.
11:04So I'm out.
11:05And I'm out.
11:06So I'm out.
11:06So I'm out.
11:06So I'm out.
11:07And I'm out.
12:11Motor's going along.
12:14No one at the wheel.
12:16After about half hour, I can see this bend looming up in the road.
12:21I thought, wow, how are we going to get round there?
12:26And as I was thinking of that, a pair of ghostly hands appeared at the wheel
12:29and began to steer the motor round the corner.
12:31I thought, that is my lot.
12:33I've jumped out.
12:34I've got out.
12:34There's another fellow standing there.
12:35I said, don't get in here, mate.
12:36There's something wrong with that.
12:37He said, you're telling me I've been pushing it five miles.
12:46It's rubbish, isn't it?
12:48Jewish joke.
12:49You heard about the Jewish jockey kept winning his races by a nose.
12:53Very Jewish people, isn't it?
12:57We've all been doing pantomime, you know, all the comedians.
12:59Like, I was working with Josh White, the little coloured chappy.
13:08He was going down the M6, you know, doing 90 miles an hour,
13:11and the Jag put his head out the window and his bottom lip battered him to death.
13:20Heard about Enoch Powell the other day.
13:22Enoch Powell.
13:23And he was crying, crying.
13:24Now, this is unusual, Enoch Powell.
13:26Don't pick your nose, love.
13:27This fellow was crying.
13:31Enoch Powell was crying.
13:34On the top of a cliff.
13:35And the fellow came past and said, what are you crying for, Enoch?
13:37He said, there's a bustload of Pakistan.
13:39He's just gone over this cliff.
13:40He said, you're crying.
13:42He said, aye, there was two empty seats.
13:57This scouser, this Liverpool fellow, went to Blackpool during a busy season.
14:02He was screaming out for kooks.
14:05And he went to this hotel.
14:07And he said to the manager, any chance for jobs at Coop?
14:11So the manager says, have you done any hotel work before?
14:14He said, yes, certainly.
14:16He says, I worked all the best hotels in Great Britain.
14:20He says, as a matter of fact, I was a chef on the Queen Mary for 12 years.
14:24Well, the manager says, I can't just take you away from it.
14:26He'll have to show you what you can do.
14:28So this scouser says, give me an egg.
14:33So the manager gave me an egg.
14:34And he flicked it up in the air.
14:35Crossed it on his head.
14:37Spun it round.
14:37Flicked it up his head onto his shoulder.
14:40Off his shoulder, onto his knee.
14:42Off his knee, onto his foot.
14:44And he booted it.
14:46Right across the kitchen.
14:48And it landed right on the edge of a frying pan.
14:50Split in two.
14:52The egg went to the fry.
14:55And two hours of his shell dropped in a bucket.
15:04The manager says, marvellous.
15:06He says, did you actually do that?
15:07Because my eyes deceived me.
15:09This scouser says, give me another egg.
15:15He said, I'll do it a different way for you.
15:18So the manager gave me another egg.
15:19And he flicked it up in the air.
15:21Crossed it on his head.
15:21Spun it round.
15:22And it rolled right down his back.
15:24Right down the back of his leg.
15:27Onto his heel.
15:28And he flicked it over his head.
15:32And it went right across the kitchen again.
15:35Landed on the edge of a frying pan.
15:37Split in two.
15:37The egg went to the fry.
15:39And two hours of the shell dropped in a bucket.
15:42The manager said, marvellous.
15:43He says, I've never seen that language in my life.
15:46So the scouser said, do you get the job?
15:47He said, no, she hasn't.
15:48She messes about too much.
15:58Four o'clock in the morning, we're stood there freezing.
16:00Gets cold, you know, four o'clock in the morning when he stood on guard, I was perished.
16:04I was.
16:05A brass monkey went past looking for a welder.
16:10All of a sudden, I looked up.
16:14It's a good job I looked up.
16:16It is.
16:17There's a great, big, dirty, ferocious, horrible bull charging towards us.
16:21A bull from the field across the road.
16:24With the horns down, steam out the nozzle.
16:27I thought, that'll do for me.
16:29I dropped me rifles up a tree like a shot.
16:32Sid stood there on his horn in the dark.
16:34He's as blind as a bat when it's light.
16:38He didn't know a thing till the bull hit him.
16:40Down he went.
16:41He got straight up.
16:42He grabbed the bull by the horns.
16:44And he wrestled with the bull by the horns for 15 minutes.
16:46Ha, ha, ha.
16:48Ha, ha, ha.
16:54And he got the bull down and he kicked it.
16:55The bull got up and ran away and had enough.
16:58It had enough.
16:59I came down from the tree.
17:00I said, Sid, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life.
17:03He says, brave, that.
17:06He says, that, that, that, that, that, that, that was nothing.
17:09He says, I'll tell you something.
17:12If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if I'd got him off his bike.
17:15Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
17:17He said.
17:22There we be.
17:23All thinking about holidays now, aren't you?
17:24Where you're going to go and everything for your holidays.
17:26I know where I don't go.
17:29I've got, I've got.
17:34I've not got to mention Morecambe tonight.
17:39Somebody told me they dropped an atomic bomb on Morecambe and it did 15 quids worth of damage.
17:48A fellow near us went to the doctors.
17:50He says, doctor, I'm having great pain from me wooden leg.
17:54The doctor says, how can a wooden leg give you pain?
17:56He says, the wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
18:00Hey, do you know, there were a big bodybuilder that lived next door to a little fellow.
18:03He was a little man, he only toddy, great toddy, you know.
18:06And he had seven burns, he had seven burns.
18:08That bodybuilder had got none.
18:10Lovely wife, no burns, and he knocked on down.
18:12He says, hey, come here, I want the old flower.
18:15He says, what's the matter, cop?
18:23He says, how's it happened?
18:24That's got seven burns and they're on here, skinny little runt.
18:27He says, and I'm here, a bodybuilder, I've got none.
18:30He says, well, they don't treat wife right, they can't do.
18:33He says, oh, she has everything.
18:34He says, well, I'll tell thee how to do it then, old lad.
18:37He says, well, what should I do?
18:38He says, well, she says, get ready to eat, take her out, wine and diner, get her a little
18:46bit, you know, one or two downers and get her.
18:50Fair enough, fair enough, fair enough.
18:52What do I do next?
18:53He says, well, bring her back home in the car and, you know, a little song to her and all
18:58that.
18:59He says, fair enough.
18:59What do I do next?
19:00He says, then run a bath, put some lovely bath salts in.
19:04He says, right, right, all right.
19:06I'll do that, I'll do that.
19:07He said, what next?
19:08He said, then get her a lovely negligee, beautiful see-through.
19:13He said, right, fair enough, fair enough.
19:15Then what do I do?
19:16He says, put her, get her laid in bed, nice and comfy and fire on.
19:21He said, fair enough, fair enough.
19:22What do I do next?
19:23He says, send for me.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:37So Charlie went to the doctors.
19:39It wasn't Charlie Williams, it was a pinken.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:45And he walked in the doctors, he said, doctor, would you mind looking at me, please?
19:49And the doctor said, I will.
19:49And he examined him.
19:50He said, yes, he said, it's not so good, Charlie, six months.
19:55I said, I don't know.
19:56He said, three months happened.
19:59Well, he said, it could be a fortnight, Charlie.
20:03I said, it could be this week, you know.
20:05It could be tomorrow.
20:07He said, it could be today, Charlie.
20:08Charlie?
20:09Charlie?
20:10Charlie?
20:13APPLAUSE
20:17Now, the fellow wanted something unusual for his mother-in-law.
20:20He went to the pet shop and he said to a fellow, it's a funny little bird, a little bird
20:22with a great big beak.
20:24I said, what's that?
20:25He said, it's a gobble bird.
20:29What?
20:30He said, it's a gobble bird.
20:32He said, what's it do?
20:32He said, watch.
20:34Gobble bird, my table.
20:35Who the hell?
20:44Can I do a thing?
20:45He said, gobble bird, my chair.
20:47Go, right, no, no.
20:53He said, have you got two?
20:58He said, no, I've got one.
21:00He said, give us it, give us it.
21:01So he took it over to his mother-in-law, you know.
21:02He said, here are, here are.
21:04It's for you, that.
21:10What's it supposed to be?
21:11It's a gobble bird.
21:13Oh, gobble bird, my foot.
21:23Here's a good one.
21:24A big American car going through Ireland.
21:28And he stops in the country lane.
21:30Engine stops.
21:31He thought, what's the matter?
21:32So he gets out and he lifts the bonnet up.
21:35Nobody in sight.
21:36None of a sudden, none of a sudden, he had a voice say, one of the plug leads is off.
21:45And there it was.
21:46He put the lead on.
21:48Got in the car.
21:48And there was a big horse looking over a big fence.
21:51That's all there was.
21:52Big horse.
21:54Big black one.
21:57Then he missed the horse there for a minute, didn't he?
22:03This big horse looking at it.
22:04That's all there was in the country.
22:05Anyway, he got the car and off.
22:06He went and he went having a bevy in the pub.
22:07Drink.
22:08And he's telling the barman all about this.
22:10And the farmer said, was it about two miles up the road?
22:13I said, well, yes.
22:18He said, was there a black horse looking over the gate?
22:20He said, yes.
22:20He said, you're lucky.
22:21There's usually a white one there, but it knows nothing about cars.
22:32Six leather jacketed, six leather jacketed, long-haired motorcyclists walked in to one
22:37of these transport cabs.
22:39This driver had just got in there, ordered his meal, sat down with his meal, and these
22:42six leather jacketed boys walked over to him.
22:49And they all stood round him.
22:50The first one, bent down, took the driver's knife and fork out of his hand, cut his eggs
22:55in half, speared them with his knife, fork, and ate them.
22:59Driver, never said a word.
23:02The next one, got all the chips.
23:05Whee!
23:07With a few tomato scoop.
23:09Whee!
23:10Driver, never batted an eyelid.
23:14The next one has done his sausages.
23:16Karrash!
23:17All the way through his fried bread and his bacon.
23:20Whee!
23:20Whee!
23:22Driver, never moved a muscle.
23:25The other one has got all the slices of his bread, I've mopped everything up on a plate,
23:31and ate it.
23:32Driver, never flinched.
23:35The last one has got the driver's mug of tea, drunk the tea, and wound up biting the driver
23:41on the head with a mug.
23:42Dink!
23:43Whee!
23:48Driver never said a word, just got up and walked out.
23:52The leader of these skinheads, wasn't skinheads, these long-haired merchants, walked over to
23:57the fellow at their home, the place, he went,
24:03Not much of a man, mate, was he?
24:07So, no, he wasn't much of a driver either, he just ran over six motorbikes outside.
24:23The comedians tonight were George Roper, Mike Reed, Jim Bowen, Mike Burton, Bernard Manning,
24:34Colin Price, Dougie Brown, Eddie Clannigan, Alan Fox, Colin Crompton, Charlie Williams, and Joss White.
24:48Thank you very much.
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